DAY 21: MORNING — OMUI GUILD

DAY 21

MORNING

Oh yeah, of course, Omui, it’s like sooo famous.

OMUI GUILD

 

NOTHING IN MY LIFE made sense. I wasn’t an Adventurer, but I stopped by the guild every day like I was employed. I was supposedly a shut-in, but I wasn’t allowed to go back home. I even somehow ended up being a loner who was constantly being reprimanded by twenty teenage girls. None of my titles fit! So why won’t they change?!

I leaned on the receptionist’s counter and said, “Do you folks really not have any jobs that are, like, get-rich-quick schemes?”

“You just made eight million ele the other day, spent every last penny, and you want a get-rich-quick scheme now? How much money do you need? Twenty million? A hundred million? There’s no such job!”

I didn’t get glares all morning because the girls left so early. But I was not to be disappointed; the glares were out in force thanks to the receptionist. If the Class Rep was the Queen of Glares, did that make the receptionist the Countess of Glares?

The quality and quantity of glares were the real evidence that this was a fantasy world. Normal people in the real world couldn’t glare that much.

Why are there no good jobs? This place felt so desolate, no one was even trying to pick a fight with me. Was Omui suffering an economic depression? With the lack of good jobs, were we even on the way to a monster shortage?

“The list hasn’t even changed since yesterday,” I remarked. “What’s the point of looking? Who’s responsible for posting the bulletin? They’re not doing their job! The injustice of the system is turning me into Jean Valjean! Stand back, I’m going to steal some bread! Where are the silver candlesticks? Can you give them to me?!”

“Why would you want silver candlesticks, and why would I give them to you? Is this your attempt to sneakily ask for work under the table? It would be so much easier to look the other way if you tried being subtle for once!”

Well, that was my fill of glares for the day. Without my daily dose of glares, I would be plunged into a world of utter darkness… To receive a glare was to notice a beam of light flickering on the darkening horizon; it was to know hope. Was she still mad at me?

The girls probably wouldn’t get back until evening, maybe not until night, since they were getting proper training. Akemi-san said she worked at night too, didn’t she? Where did she say she worked? Teenage boys need money!

I knew that mushrooms were a rare and expensive commodity. Could my wild surplus meet local demand? Either way, I was proud of my little mushrooms, finally proving their worth.

Of course, I had myriad reasons not to sell all of them. They were medicine, food, and money all in one. I needed to give the girls a few mushrooms, too. For adventurers based in town, mushrooms were as good as gold. My little mushrooms made me feel safe.

The general store was willing to buy stamina and mana mushrooms for 50,000 ele each. That was actually what I could get for the lowest grade of mushrooms I had. The store couldn’t pay me in ele, so I bartered for a minor Bag of Holding. It was a rare item with a price of 100,000 ele. For how much it cost, it was way worse than my Bag of Holding. It had limited capacity and couldn’t store any large objects. Still, it was a valued part of any modern adventurer’s kit. I bought out their entire stock for the girls. Now this is how adults do their shopping! So what if I paid by bartering mushrooms?

I crammed the bags with mushrooms and canteens of limitless fruit juice. That would help keep them safe. The Class Rep had that emergency supply of spellstones, too.

This otherwise seemed like the right time for me to return to my cave, but the nerds had yet to return to Omui. Where in the world were they nerding around? They told me that they’d wait here in town!

I was out of options. Waiting was too boring. I had to think like the Queen Bee and go nerd hunting.

That would be fastest, wouldn’t it? I knew they were nerding around somewhere nearby.

I left a message for the girls at the inn. Only two roads led out from this town. I didn’t know which road they took, but they were definitely nerding along one of them. Let’s go nerd hunting! Their nerding days are numbered! I followed the road leading downriver first.

I crept through the town gates behind a merchant. All I had to do was go for an air walk and drop down if I saw anything shaped like a nerd. Another flawless plan!

Whether I was running, sprinting, or bounding, I sped down the road. My first flight attempt didn’t work. I went too fast; the ground became an indistinct blur. Nerd hunting was impossible if I couldn’t see. I still hadn’t figured out how to land without hurting myself—if anyone saw me, they would’ve said I plummeted! Even if my clothes didn’t rip, it still hurt a lot.

I stuck to the ground instead, jetting forward at high speed. I could get to my cave in less than a day at this rate, I thought, and if I fly, I can do a round trip in a day! It would hurt like hell, but it would be worth it.

So far, I had destroyed thirty goblins who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Foolish goblins. Keep clear of my landing zone! Goblins are so inconsiderate. The way those goblins cluelessly bumbled along, totally unaware of anyone else, I almost mistook them for the nerds.

I passed some other villages, horse-drawn carriages, and bandit gangs, but I didn’t sense the presence of the nerds, so I kept going.

I was about to pass by a horse-drawn carriage getting attacked by bandits, but the bandits noticed and surrounded me.

“Hey, let’s kill that ugly kid! We can’t leave no witnesses!”

“Excuse me?” I roared. “FIRE WALLOP! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!” I chanted “Burn!” over and over as I let loose multiple salvos of flame bullets.

I’d really needed that stress relief. When I feel stressed, I need to take care to blow off steam before the pressure builds up to the bursting point. Incinerating some rude bandits was the ultimate way to mellow out.

“D-damn you…”

I said, “Oh, you’re still in one piece? Was that not enough fire? I must’ve gone too easy on you.”

“This kid a mage or somethin’? Hell, we’ve got magic-resistant gear equipped an’ everything… What’s going on?!”

Huh? Some of the bandits approached me. Was the heat not high enough? According to my recipe, they should’ve been burnt to a crisp. I’ll have to adjust the cook time whenever I substitute bandits for goblins.

The bandits, charred and crispy, surrounded me. Hey, you’re not the nerds I’m looking for! Ugh. Now I was surrounded by a bunch of old dudes yet again. Why am I always surrounded by old men?

“Are you stupid? How would I know what’s going on?! I don’t know why your magic gear didn’t work! Ask the guy who sold you that crap! Do I look like a magic equipment traveling salesman to you?! You’re asking the wrong person for a refund! You think I’ll just be like, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, sir, please enjoy this complimentary magic armor for your trouble?!’ Of course not! I ain’t selling!”

“Shut up already, you stupid brat!”

Huh? But he was the one who asked me, why is he telling me to shut up? Did he not know anything about the etiquette of conversation? Not to brag or anything, but the Class Rep told me that I’m an unruly devil when it came to conversation. Wait a second, is that not a compliment?

“Close in on the mage! He’s only got a staff, let’s get in his face and beat him dead ’fore he casts any other spells!”

They were going for melee combat, but why tell me? They screamed and roared as I easily dodged their attacks.

“You’re not a mage?!”

“Huh? No, I’m a NEET!”

“Huh?”

“What?”

Don’t “huh” me like that! I answered your damn question! Hold on, are you trying to shame me for being unemployed? What a cheap shot. That hurt my feelings!

My heart received considerable damage. A bitter blow.

“Hey, the brat’s only level 9? Let’s use weapon techniques!” one of the bandits yelled.

“He’s a weakling! End him already!” another responded.

They saw through my Stealth. What a pain. One of them must have had Skill-proof Detection. Weapon skills, huh? I’d probably die if I got hit.

They unleashed an endless combo, shouting each attack name at the tops of their lungs: “Slash! Double Slash! Bash! Mighty Swing! Crushing Blow! Thrust! Rolling Slash!”

Eventually, they ran out of steam and were left panting on the ground. Of course you’re going to be tired if you keep screaming the attack names. What idiots.

Soaked in sweat, they breathed with heavy, groaning gasps.

Were they that out of shape? A bandit needs to stay fit and active! Every bandit should practice my morning calisthenics routine! I thought. Nothing can be done for their lack of brains, though.

The Evasion Cloak effect seemed to be working pretty well; I definitely felt the benefits of “Speed +20%, Evasion bonus (small).” Their techniques looked impressive, but they moved like they were underwater. They were way slower than any kobold. Even though they were as big and ugly as orcs, they fought no better than level 5 goblins.

Huh? They collapsed, blue in the face. Was this oxygen deprivation? Even uglier than before! Even orcs would shudder.

“I apologize for the inconvenience,” I said. “But the present bandits have been defeated. Maybe they defeated themselves? They’ve collapsed. Thank you for your efforts in defeating the bandit menace, bandits.”

A soldier who was fighting near the carriage said, “Milady, their weapons were tipped with poison, judging from this wound…”

I gave the soldier some antidotes. Even though he had just gotten grazed, they didn’t seem like they did anything. Were those herbs I used to make them really just a bunch of weeds? Was I wasting my time weeding the forest?!

The level wall is a real problem, I thought. Their weapon techniques were nothing special, but they were honed, fast, and powerful. The users may have been slow, but the weapon techniques allowed them to fight with way more speed and strength.

Were the weapon techniques originally developed as an aerobics routine? It looked like nothing more than a bunch of shouts and vigorous movements. The bandits clearly didn’t do enough sets. That’s what they were missing, they needed a drill sergeant! Someone who could really push them! I had to tell the Class Rep about this as soon as I got back. She could definitely start a fitness program based on weapon techniques.

Maybe that would make up for not buying enough souvenirs. They ate all the dried fruit! How could they eat so much dried fruit in one night?! On second thought, I don’t want to know.

Oh. Some girl sitting in the carriage was talking to me: “Hello? Hello? Are you listening to me?”

“Are you injured?” I asked. “I have some suspicious mushroom juice, do you want some?”

She looked baffled. Did she not want any? I don’t blame her. It reeked of mold.

The soldier tied up the bandit gang. It seemed like he was fully recovered from the poison. That meant the antidotes weren’t just weeds after all. I proclaimed with a stupid grin on my face that they were real antidotal herbs after all. I really was relieved. The soldiers ate all the antidotal herbs and stamina mushrooms that I handed out. No one even complained about the mushroom stink.

“Hello? Please listen to me! Do you not understand what I’m saying?”

Apparently the girl had exited the carriage to talk to me.

“I am Merielle Sim Omui, the daughter of the duke of Omui. Can you hear me? I’ve had to introduce myself five times already! I feel like I’m going to cry.”

“Yeah, yeah, I can hear you fine. I was totally paying attention. My name’s Haruka. Nice to meet you…Merimeri-san?”

I really was listening, my memory was just full of holes. Did she say she was from Omui City? She was the duke’s daughter, a noble girl. I can’t believe it took me three whole weeks in a fantasy world to meet a noble girl! At this rate, I wouldn’t meet a legit princess for fifty years. By that point, she’d have shriveled up into an old spinster!

“T-that’s not my name! I’ll cry! I’ll wail! I’ll flood the world with my tears! I’ll drown in that sea of tears because of you! Why don’t you listen to anything I say? My name’s not Merimeri!”

The noble girl kept talking about something that I couldn’t understand.

“Haruka-sama,” said the soldier. “We are currently en route to Omui. Would you do us the honor of joining us? I want to thank you again for your help, as an escort myself…”

“Uh, sure, but only if we’re close? I kind of want to get back to town by nightfall.”

“Haruka-sama, what town do you hail from?”

“Uh…you know, the one upriver? Uh…does it have a name?”

For some reason Merimeri started bawling. “Oh yes, I’m just the daughter of a nameless duke of a nameless city in a nameless land. I’m so sorry that I thought my family deserved a name. Just call me Merimeri, since I deserve nothing more…”

For some reason, the soldiers kept admonishing me on the way into town. The gatekeeper took over scolding duty when we got back to town. To be fair, I did sneak out, but the gatekeeper eventually sighed and waived my entry fee because of my present company.

“Oh yeah, of course, Ommi, it’s like sooo famous, everyone knows it! Everyone loves it, even wild goblins were talking about the town of Ennui!”

I was trying to make things right in the carriage. I wasn’t sure, but I definitely forgot the name of the town two more times, not to mention Merimeri’s name. It’s hard not remembering things.

“What do you mean—were goblins really talking about it?! That can only mean that they plan on attacking my town!” Merimeri’s waterworks started up again. Tears traced little rivulet patterns on her cheeks. “But there’s no hope for the town, is there? It’s Omui, a tiny backwater unworthy of even having a name…”

When the Class Rep heard that I made the daughter of the duke cry, she got mad at me, too. The scolding intensified when she found out that I snuck out of town. It reached a fever pitch when she heard the message I left at the inn: “Out nerd-hunting.”

Trying to smooth things over, I said “But I didn’t even end up hunting them, what’s the big deal?”

I just couldn’t keep up. She was beyond furious when I said that.

Then, the soldier told her all about how I fought off a gang of high-level bandits who used weapon skills. Her anger turned to tears. Today is the day of angry tears, I guess.