Taking My Girlfriend to Meet My Parents, Part 4.

2007/01/21 20:13

Inside a car speeding down the highway.

Y-ko murmured in the backseat.

… A suddenly demure Y-ko, murmuring.

Y-KO:	… It’s so peaceful out here.
DAD:	People think New York’s entirely urban, but it’s only the city.

My father answered from the driver’s seat.

Wherever it is my parents live,

it’s not smack in the middle of the big city.

ME:	It tells you a lot about my dad that he claims to be on assignment in New York.
DAD:	Well, it’s not a lie.
ME:	Can I please have the admiration I felt when I first heard the big news back, then?
DAD:	Hey, I’m working for a small enterprise, son. Things like that don’t happen to just anyone.
ME:	Why do you sound proud of that?

The first conversation since our grand reunion, and I’m already depressed.

My mother, sitting in the passenger seat, turned to Y-ko.

MOM:	You were probably hoping for big things when you heard New York, weren’t you?
Y-KO:	Oh no. He told me what kind of place this was, so it’s pretty much what I’d expected.
MOM:	It is? Well, good. You’ll probably find it boring, but I hope it’s at least comfortable.
Y-KO:	Thank you very much. Plus, this is my first trip overseas.
	Even this scenery is fresh and exciting to me.
MOM:	Really? I’m glad to hear that.
	… Ah, we’re almost there. It’s been a long trip for you, hasn’t it?
Y-KO:	Not too bad. Tiring, but even more enjoyable.

… Hmm.

She’s got this disguise down perfectly.

The whole time, I was enjoying the conversation, wondering when she would slip up.

Well, I suppose she spends every day wearing the uniform of an office lady…

My poor parents have no idea…

We arrived at the house, and Y-ko and I put our luggage in the guest room, where we would be staying.

My parents went out immediately to Walmart to do some shopping.

We sat on the couch and took a breather.

Y-KO:	Man, I’m tired…
ME:	It must be tiring to play a role so seamlessly…
Y-KO:	…? No, it’s just from the flight and car ride.
ME:	Huh? You’re not tired from pretending to be someone else?
	You certainly have my parents fooled…
Y-KO:	Oh, please. Are you calling that some kind of devious act?
	I’m only showing them the face I always wear.
ME:	… Always?
Y-KO:	When you rip off the fujoshi mask, the OL face is exposed.
ME:	Oh, so it was me who you’ve been fooling all along!

And this whole time, I thought the fujoshi bit was her real personality!

Y-KO:	… Hmm, you seem to be speaking a bit differently than usual.
ME:	I am?
Y-KO:	I don’t know. You typically don’t act this aggressive with me.
ME:	… Uh… well… Maybe I just find it weird to act so polite around my parents.
Y-KO:	And that’s why you’re acting different.
ME:	… Do you find it weird?
Y-KO:	Actually, it’s kind of hot. You sound like a tsundere.
ME:	Okay, never mind. I will be as polite and demure as always!

Is that all it takes to make someone a tsundere?!

I’d better watch how I act from now on if I don’t want to be tainted by that word!

Y-KO:	Okay, the tsundere part was a joke… but I don’t mind, really. You can act that way around your parents.
ME:	Really? You don’t mind?
Y-KO:	I’m going to step on you later, though.
ME:	Rather a disagreeable exchange, I think…
Y-KO:	I’ll give you a nice flat nose.
ME:	Nose?! You’re going to stomp on my face?!
Y-KO:	Well, it would be a shame to sterilize you at such a young age.
ME:	My face and my crotch are the only options?
Y-KO:	It’s an equal exchange.
ME:	Your rates are a bit outrageous, madam!
Y-KO:	Well, I’ve inherited the spirit of the unequal treaties.
ME:	At least you’re honest about it.
Y-KO:	Open your nation’s borders to us. Did I sound like him?
ME:	Sound like who?
Y-KO:	Commodore Perry.
ME:	I have no way to tell, but if I had to guess, I’d say you didn’t!

Unfortunately, I don’t know Perry personally, so I can’t say for sure!

Plus, since when was Perry associated with the unequal treaties?

Y-KO:	Pleez give me your son!
ME:	Sorry, no can do.
Y-KO:	HA-HA-HA! Thees must be thee famous Japaneez tsundere!
ME:	Wow, Perry knows a lot about Japanese culture… And since when was that tsundere?
Y-KO:	I lub you forever. You are tsundere!
ME:	So Commodore Perry has fallen in love with me… madly and eternally… and declared me to be a tsundere?!
Y-KO:	… Adulterer!
ME:	And now I’ve been labeled an adulterer despite never requiting his feelings. Great.
Y-KO:	I’ll tell your parents.
ME:	Tell them what?

That their son was labeled a tsundere and then propositioned by Commodore Perry?

Okay, true, that might thrust my personal reputation into a minor crisis…

Y-KO:	To give me their son.
ME:	That’s a request, not a revelation.
Y-KO:	I have taken your son alive.
ME:	Sorry, we don’t have enough money to meet your hostage demands.
Y-KO:	Your son has been in a terrible accident. Please send emergency funds to…
ME:	And now you’re running a scam!
Y-KO:	If anything, your son is on the uke side of the equation.
ME:	That could drive our family completely dysfunctional!
Y-KO:	And he’s a total masochist.
ME:	I’m not a total masochist! I’m a slight masochist!

How many times must I explain that?

That’s the kind of place where a man has to take a stand and stick up for himself!

Y-KO:	Wow, you’re really in a feisty mood today.
	The comebacks are about to give me whiplash. Have you been possessed by the spirit of Mimura?
	* Comedian of the comedy duo Summers.
ME:	No idea what Mimura has to do with any of this, but…
	… I think the less sleep I’ve had, the crankier I get.
Y-KO:	Oh, I know what you mean… Are you sleepy?
ME:	… Do you mind if I take a little nap?
	I don’t think they’ll be back for a little while longer.
Y-KO:	Want me to take my clothes off?
ME:	I’ll live, thanks.

Where did that one come from?

Why would you need to strip?

Y-KO:	I just thought maybe you’d like to use my legs as a pillow for once.
ME:	……… There’s nothing that says it has to be your bare legs.
Y-KO:	Really? Fine, then… Come and get your jeans pillow, big boy.

… Well, if you insist.

I didn’t get any sleep on the flight, after all…

Plop.

ME:	… Good night.
Y-KO:	Good night.

—And then…

… Hmm?

… Oh, I fell asleep.

Y-ko…?

… Huh? The leg pillow has turned into a regular pillow…

……

…… I can hear voices.

Excited, laughing voices…

Dad… Mom… and Y-ko’s voices…

—Oh no!

……

…… What time is it now?

I slept in!

I slept way in!!

You should have woken me up, Y-ko!

I hurriedly rushed out into the living room.

DAD:	Aha, you’re awake.
MOM:	Good morning. Have a good nap?

Good morning?!

Why didn’t any of you people wake me up?!

DAD:	Well, well, that was a surprise, wasn’t it?
MOM:	Yes, it certainly was.

…?

What are they smirking about?

Y-KO:	Oh… Sorry I didn’t wake you up.
DAD:	No, Y-ko, you don’t need to apologize for that.
MOM:	Of course not. Otherwise we wouldn’t have been treated to such a precious sight.

Precious sight…?

DAD:	I’ve never seen anything as precious as my own son fast asleep with his head on a girl’s lap.
MOM:	Indeed, it was so precious, I just had to take a quick picture and e-mail it to everyone.

……

I silently stared at Y-ko.

Y-KO:

Ha-ha-ha! Sorry, I guess they saw us.

… Well, uh,

how should I sum this up?

… My parents will never let me live this one down for the rest of my life.

Stupid jet lag and stupid me!

I already want to go home!!