site 45: Yuta Gamon

“Oh, you’re finally here... hmm?” I looked towards the entrance of the room expecting to see Sarai, but instead I saw a small, middle school boy that I’d never seen before.

He was wearing a trench coat, but it was clearly much too big for him. It looked a lot like cosplay.

Wait, was it cosplay? It didn’t seem right to stare, but I couldn’t help myself.

Was he really in middle school? He looked shorter than me, but his face didn’t look as young as I’d expected.

Maybe... maybe the police had chosen a detective who didn’t look like a professional and sent him after me? There was still no sign that the police were going to visit me over Dr. Hashigami’s murder, but every day I imagined them getting closer and closer.

Thanks to the 256 incident, there had been cops everywhere in Kichijoji over the last few days, and I passed by them quite a bit. Honestly, it was bad for my heart.

“Sarai-kyun’s late, huh?” Ryotasu stifled a yawn, completely oblivious to my troubles.

Last night, I’d visited Sarai’s house and found out that there were letters hidden on the ceiling of his study. It seemed to me like the professor’s word, “CODE,” was referring to those encrypted letters. Although honestly, it had been mostly Zonko who’d told me that. But I had no idea how to actually turn the dots into letters. After I told Sarai, he’d contacted me this morning and told me he’d solved the “CODE” riddle. It had been less than a day.

He had personality issues, but he was a genius. No, maybe his personality was weird because he was a genius. He was smarter in person than he was online.

So we’d promised to meet at Blue Moon, but he’d said some crap about coming after work.

This was so important, and there was so little time. Why did he care so much about his damn job? Was this his way of being a dick to me? Whose board did he think he was commenting on all the time?

I went to take a sip of the water in front of me when I felt a cold wind and shivered.

The cosplaying middle school boy was still standing with the entrance door open, and the cold air was blowing in.

“Hey, boyfriend! It’s cold out. Can you shut the door?” Master Izumin said from behind the counter, turning toward the door. But when he saw that the person there wasn’t someone he recognized, he put his hands over his mouth.

“Oh wow, a new customer? Sorry, I didn’t realize.”

“Are you not open yet?”

“We most certainly are! It’s not night so I can’t serve alcohol, but of course we’re open! Though sometimes we do get visitors who aren’t really customers. Hehehe.” Master Izumin glanced at me with a creepy smile.

I’ll admit I only ever order water here. I thought about saying something, but I didn’t want to get into an argument over something so stupid now, so I just ignored it.

More importantly—

“Then give me whatever you recommend. Something cold.”

“Sure thing. Sit wherever you like.”

The cosplaying middle school boy came into the shop and sat a ways away from me.

Our eyes met and he flashed me the innocent smile of a child.

It felt strange.

Until now, I’d had Blue Moon basically to myself in the afternoon, so it was rare to see another customer.

From the way Master Izumin was acting, this was his first time at the café. Was he really just a customer? Or maybe—

“Here you go! ‘Today’s Fully Loaded Lucky Latte, Supervised by Myuu Aikawa.’”

Wait, he served him THAT?

He called it a latte, but it looked like a muddy, grey soup. Like cement before it dried.

And he said Myu-Pom supervised it, but that was a total lie.

The cosplaying middle school boy was reacting with exaggerated joy, oblivious to the hell that was to come. If he drank it down and liked it, like Ryotasu did, it would mean he was a hell of a lot more than he appeared.

“Wow, this is amazing. It looks like it packs a punch!”

Without the slightest doubt in his voice, he put the straw to his mouth and took a sip—

“Huh? He’s drinking it normally...”

And then started to hack and cough.

“GWAAHH! This is barf! This is totally barf! What the hell is this?”

“Pffft...” I laughed to myself.

Evidently he was just a dork. Somebody give me back the HP I lost when he came in.

And then he handed me the terror-drink.

“You’re laughing, but you’ll understand when you drink it! Try it! It’s terrible!”

“No... no thanks. I can guess just from the way it looks, and I know that series.”

More importantly, the way he’d said ‘barf’ was striking me as increasingly funny, and it hurt not to laugh.

“I want to try it...” Ryotasu was sitting next to me, looking at the drink with stars in her eyes. She looked like she could reach out and grab the glass at any moment.

“Ryotasu, that’s amazing... He says it’s barf... and you still want to drink it?”

“Hmph.” Master Izumin was pouting and looking upset. “I put all the lucky items for today in it! It’s rude to say it doesn’t taste good! Hmph! HMPH!”

“Sir, even if you put in all lucky ingredients, this taste is definitely unlucky!” The cosplaying middle school boy was laughing, but he was being utterly brutal towards Master Izumin.

Not bad.

Master Izumin had a very forceful appearance and personality, and it took guts to be able to talk to him like that just five minutes after meeting him.

“Still, I didn’t know that there were barf-drinks like this in the world.”

“Feel free to try the whole Barf Series.” I was starting to lose the ability to not laugh, so I interrupted them.

I’d held back my laughter so much my stomach hurt.

The cosplaying middle school boy was still going on.

“I guess if you wanted to give the series a name, you could call it ‘The Barf-Drinks.’ Or maybe not. Maybe something more dreamy, like ‘Fantastic Barf’? No... Or if the the theme is ‘luck,’ maybe just...”

“Lucky Barf!” Ryotasu’s idea, unsurprisingly, was the worst one of all. That was something different entirely. Who’d want to drink that?

“Mask of Barf!”

That one sounded too much like Zoro.

“Barf-Barf!”

That wasn’t right at all.

“Aww, jeez! What is wrong with you people! Gamota! I’m going upstairs! As punishment, you watch the store! I’m out of tequila! Sheesh!”

It didn’t feel quite fair to make me do it, but Master Izumin left the store, shoulders shaking with anger. There was a small café/bar on the floor upstairs, run by a different owner. That one wasn’t open during the day, so I’d never been there.

“I’ll go too!”

Ryotasu followed Master Izumin, and it was just me and the cosplaying middle school boy, and we were still laughing.

I laughed so much all the dark emotions I’d felt over the last week disappeared.

It felt like it had been a long, long time.

And for that, I needed to thank him.

He offered me the fully loaded lucky drink once more.

“Here, you should take a drink. Just a sip.”

“No way.” I knew it tasted like barf. I wasn’t going to drink it.

We’d been repeating that same exchange for a while now, and it was still funny. At this point, everything we said seemed funny.

“You know, you look just like Zenigata, man. If that’s cosplay, it’s barf-inducing.”

“Cosplay, huh? That’s my barf-dream.”

“Sometimes you get girls who are barfy-cute at cosplay conventions. I keep trying to get Ryotasu to do it.”

“I’ve been to Comiket. I bought some barfy doujin.”

“What’s a barfy doujin? Ahahah. I don’t think I want to know, do I?”

“By the way, it’s barfy-hot in here. Aren’t you hot in that?”

“I’m barfy-fine.”

“I hear if someone rips out your molar, it barfy-hurts.”

“Barfff—?!”

What?

What did he just say?

“By the way, this isn’t cosplay. This is my uniform.” The cosplaying middle school boy was still laughing as he took what looked like a notebook out of his jacket pocket and showed it to me. It was something I’d only ever seen on police shows on TV.

A police notebook...

“You were just thinking that you’re in barfy-trouble, weren’t you? So, I’ll ask again. Have you ever pulled out someone’s molar?”

“Th-The police...” I’d let my guard down!

Hahhahh hahh...

I’d let my guard down...!

I could barely breathe.

‘Had I ever pulled out a molar?’ He knew everything! He wasn’t a middle-schooler! He wasn’t a cosplayer! He was a real detective, just like I’d first thought! I’d been fooled by his appearance! I’d been an idiot to open up to him!

“Oh? Are we done with the barf stuff? Because you look like you’re about to barf. What’s wrong, Yuta Gamon, Student Number 3 in Class 2-B at Seimei High?”

“...!”

He was here to arrest me!

My teeth started to chatter. I bit down on my molars to make them stop.

This was bad. This was really bad. Sarai wasn’t here yet. Sarai wasn’t here to testify to my innocence! Even though I was here alone with a detective! Why had Master Izumin and Ryotasu and Myu-Pom and Sarai all left me alone?! Someone, anyone, come and help me! At this rate, I’d be arrested! I’d be taken to the police station and it would be over! They’d lock me in a room and interrogate me, alternating between feeding me katsudon and cussing me out in some cliche good-cop bad-cop routine until I confessed to a crime I didn’t commit!

I needed to escape somehow.

But—

Then I realized.

I’d thought that this detective had come here alone. But did he, really?

What if there were a bunch of tough-looking detectives outside, waiting for me? Maybe there were dozens of cop cars lined up on the street outside. When that idea flashed through my mind, I couldn’t move another step.

“It wasn’t... me...”

“What are you talking about?”

“It wasn’t me...!”

“This conversation’s turning barfy. I just asked if you’d ever pulled a molar out. I’m going to a dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. And I bet it hurts like barf. I’ve always hated dentists...”

He was lying. Wisdom teeth, my ass. He was laughing the whole time, but his eyes weren’t laughing at all.

“So if you’ve ever pulled out a molar, I’d like you to tell me how it went. I mean, you and I are barf-brothers, right? Hahaha.”

There was no way I could laugh.

Sweat was pouring out of my body.

I couldn’t breathe. If I breathed, it felt like he’d accuse me.

I looked frantically for an exit, but I couldn’t think.

All I could do was retreat into a world of fantasy and think about how nice it would be if I could teleport.

Just when I was about to give up—

“I’m back, Gamotan! Ryotasu went with me, so I got a little present! Look at this delicious chiffon cake!”

Ryotasu and Master Izumin were back.

At the same time they came in, the detective put a rumpled 1000-yen bill on the table and stood up.

“!!” I gasped.

“Anyway, I have to get going.

“...?”

Going? Where? I couldn’t look at his face. All I could do was stare at my feet and pray that nothing happened, and that he didn’t take me away.

“Oh, what’s wrong, Gamota-kun? You’re soaking with sweat,” asked Master Izumin.

“Pu-♪ u-♪ ru? Pu-♪ u-♪ ru? Pu-♪ u-♪ ru-♪ da-♪ pu-♪ u-♪ ru?” Ryotasu was singing the Puuru Song, or perhaps the Pool Song, as she danced.

But of course, I couldn’t join in.

“I’m glad I got to have a barfy-chat with you today.”

“...”

The detective headed for the exit.

He wasn’t going to arrest me? Why not?

“Sir, I’ve left the money for the barfy-latte on the table.”

“Stop calling it ‘barfy’! I’ve never had someone insult my drinks like that. It hurts.”

“Hahaha. Sorry. I’m an honest person.” The detective laughed in a loud voice.

He turned back to me and waved a little.

“See you again,” he said, and he left.

He really left.

I waited over ten minutes, and he never came back.

“Am I... safe...? Or did he let me go...?”

“Poya-ya?” Ryotasu tilted her head and made a noise like an idiot. But I’d never been so happy to see her empty-headed face before.

I finally stopped feeling nervous, and suddenly felt very tired.

What was that detective thinking?

“But still...”

That strange way he talked, like he was making fun of you, and the way he tried to trick you into saying things... I thought I’d heard it somewhere before.

Yeah, somewhere...

“Myu-Pom’s Nicco-Nico Live Fortune-Telling?!”