29 The Art of War According to DDR: Accepted Wisdom, Survival Rates, Standard Tactics, and Special Effects

Omniscient eyes scan the battlefield, seeing, understanding.

God commands. Move like the wind. Strike with audacity.

-DDR Stream VOD Part 4-

Monitor brightness—as is. FOV—maxed. Contrast—minimized. Positioning adjustment—done.

Music—muted. Ambient noise—maxed. Sound quality—Live. Headset—on.

Finger warm-ups, sweat removal, placement—complete.

Heeere comes the war event! Ah! The refreshing flavor of hops and grain!

What an interesting little situation we’ve got here.

For TuberStarch, a battle between vampires and the elf-human alliance is a first. What a move up for humanity! ‘Course, I’m used to survival type events where I’m dragged into a supernatural war.

FWIW, survival rates in such events should be treated like a baseball batting average. 30% is good. It’s all about avoiding massive spells slung without regard for collateral damage and not winding up as some familiar’s snack.

Thinking back, I’ve sure died a lot. This character, that character; the end came on them suddenly.

Humans, after all, are basically background flotsam. No matter how carefully built or specialized, the devs couldn’t give two shits about the player’s intentions. They’re there to get squashed, vaporized, and otherwise disposed of by the battlefield’s protagonists. Sometimes they’re picked up, but then they pretend they never existed... Just generally mistreated.

Yep DDR’s definitely a game for masochists. Escapism? Not here.

I mean, sure, PotatoStarch is a mere lackey. The company can do just fine without him. And even for livestreaming I got that bizarroBAN. My stat increases, certs, and health are nothing to write home about. In a word, I’m your average Joe, devoid of any special talents... Ah, the sweet bitterness... Bring me more of the sweet bitterness!

Ah, dammit! Drinking and whining, really? I’m cutting this out when editing! I mean hell, it’s just a recording! Not like I can even be sure I can upload it! Aw, fuck it.

Sigh... Cough cough... Ahm.

Right, PotatoStarch here with a message: Don’t drink and game!

Anyway, this time we’ve got a war event. I’ll be taking on the vampires as a member of the human army. I don’t know what feat of diplomacy brought this on, but the elves are our allies, so we might be able to put up a fight today. Guess this is also thanks to the Apostle Sakiel.

As for the scheduling—it’s according to DDR’s accepted wisdom; starting in the evening, around sunset.

Basically, elves are strong during the day, vampires during the night. So why don’t the elves just attack in the morning? Funny you should ask; the enemy hides using earth magic, but when they emerge at night to attack, the elves hole up inside the magic barriers erected during the day. Earth and water magic share a feature, you see—they’re incredibly hard to breach if you put enough time into them. Once the enemy holes up behind them, there’s no good way to break through them. Stalemate forever and ever. God forbid a war actually did last an age—you’d start seeing player profiles on milk cartons. Which means that if we’re going to have a proper war, it needs to happen around this time of day.

In terms of stat boosts, it starts with elves in front and slowly tips to the vampires. Elves want to end it quickly. Vampires want to tough it out while making sure the elves don’t run before the time is ripe.

Anyway, let loose the dogs of war!

Things are starting pretty normally. Vampires start with a proper charge. About 60-70% of their army, a grand total of about two thousand of them, dash ahead. How very vampire-like of them. They’re accompanied by black wolves.

The elves, meanwhile, set up a water barrier, daring the vampires to come after them. It looks like a shallow moat of sorts. However, this is actually a defensive barrier shaped with Flowing World, a spell that’s got special effects against vampires. It might be shallow, but they can’t step over it, and the magic stops them in mid-air if they try to jump over.

Then the exchange of stone and arrow fire. This is pretty scary. The sound just drags you right into the chaos. The rocks fly straight as though they’re spinning like rifle bullets, and the arrows seek out and home in on their targets. No end to lethality.

Each side’s got their own way of defending, too. Vampires swat down projectiles with their weapons, block them with earth walls and stones shields, and there’s even some that just grab them out of mid-air. Elves avoid attacks with flight or hovering magic, or swat them down with gusts of wind or water whips.

Now, of course the only reason they bother with this ranged exchange is because neither side’s capable of blocking everything thrown at them. The effects of impacts are pretty gruesome. The rocks are imbued with magic so they’re harder than usual. Broken bones are the least of your concerns. As for arrows, they’re also imbued with magic and are poisoned to boot—one hit and the war’s done for you, you’re going home in a box.

It’s a slow, methodical grind.

If you try to escape the rocks by getting some altitude, you end up a glorified lightning rod for lightning magic, and if you try to protect yourself from arrows with armor, well, someone’s gonna fill that up with water and then you’re drowning in your own personal water chamber. So instead, it’s a test of wills.

I suppose if you had to pick strengths, elves have the advantage at long range, while it’s more even at mid-range. Mostly because the rocks lose velocity with range.

Things look about even for now. They’re stalemated at mid-range.

And then... Ah. Both sides are holding their Apostles in reserve. It’s still a test of wills.

In this case, the vampires have the balanced Golden, good in both attack and defense, while the elves have the Ten Thousand Bells, Sakiel. In terms of match-ups, Ten Thousand Bells has a bit of an advantage. The biggest reason is the difference of maximum MP. Sakiel has enough MP to be sitting pretty even after blocking all of Golden’s attacks. Of course, Golden’s got plenty of opportunities to win. In fact, the vampires have a better chance of pulling off an upset.

The key is in the gap in their summoning spells. The Bell’s only got up to rank 2 Call spells, while Golden’s got up to rank 3 Summon type spells. As you know, spell power goes up dramatically with each rank. From Sakiel’s point of view, no doubt she’d like to get Golden to move first and back them into a corner. Golden, on the other hand, wants to find the right moment to unleash a massive spell.

Wonder when they’ll move... Hm? What’s this?

Oh, vampires are coming this way.

Looks like they’ve lost patience and want to try to spread out the fighting. There’s about a hundred of them, so it seems like a company’s gone to the effort of trying to flank the elves.

Pity for them that Kuroi’s here!

And then... Oh, I guess I’m supposed to explain this as though I’ll be editing it later so... Oh, right, you see, the human army’s taking part in this battle! Did I say that earlier? Anyway, a picture’s worth a hundred words! Take a look.

There’s 1,600 mounted knights, 800 infantry... and a really sketchy looking group of 300 wrapped in red cloaks.

What the hell are those?

300 dudes with red cloaks, black boots, and black staves? They just look like some suspicious cult or something. Totally can’t tell what they are.

I mean, I know what they’re supposed to be. Whether real or not, they’re a company of fire mages. But they sure as hell weren’t wearing those cloaks yesterday... Creepy... Man, that’s some awful fashion sense...

Hm? They’re nodding at me pretty confidently.

Oh? Ohhh! Hey, look! They’ve started chanting all at once... Still though... this is still really sketchy! They just look like a weird cult of some sort! They’re stroking their black staves pretty weirdly, too! Hm? Just trying to get heat from friction?

Whoa! Here it comes! Three hundred red tentacles... Err... I mean, flames!

Fire magic, Fire Ray!

Three hundred rays of fire arc into the nearly dark sky and... rain onto the vampires!

Cripes! Looks hellish down there.

There’s no precision here, just carpet bombing with fire. A hundred vampires are all aflame. Since it’s magical fire they can’t just pat it out either... But hey, wait a sec, even considering it’s a DoT spell, the vampires are all turning to ash one after another...?

Wait, are you serious? Yes, that’s gotta be it! Fire magic’s got special effects against vampires!

This one’s in the bag. Totally in the bag. Last time I was showing off, I was just dominating with my sword, so I didn’t realize this, but I’m certain we’re gonna win this one. Why, you ask? Kuroi’s got Flame Blade, which adds fire elemental damage to weapons. And so long as she just keeps it constantly active...!

No time to waste!

Get on that black horse and charge the enemy! Woohoo!

Weapons? A pair of Accept Blades! I mean, mounted two-weapon fighting has such low DPS, it’s mostly something you pick for looks, but with Flame Blade...!

Yep, guess I’m right! Even a little damage sends them up like a roman candle!

Ahahahahaha! Doesn’t matter that I’m tipsy, I’ve got this! Take that! And that! Is there something wrong there, oh vampires? Turning to ash with a look of dumb shock on your faces!

Oh, there’s one that won’t go up in flames. A lightning wielder, huh? Must’ve used some sort of physical boost spell or something.

Good, but you’re still getting smoked like a cigar! Don’t overlook Kuroi’s stats. Just need to focus a little bit and land one more blow... Ah-ha! And up in flames you go. As for the other lightning user, I’m just gonna chop your head off. Schwing! Ahahahaha!

Man, this is fun. This doesn’t feel like DDR, but it’s still damned fun.

This must’ve been what I was after. To just dominate the battlefield like this.

I just wanted to fuck up the strong. The chosen of the Demon God. Cut through the vampires like they’re butter.

I never found it that satisfying playing as an elf character. It just wasn’t the same. I found satisfaction when we’d win big, but that was the satisfaction of playing well. There wasn’t this sort of catharsis. Well, elves are favored, after all.

I guess it’s because I’m playing as a human.

Humans—the oppressed, inferior race. The ones who are pathetic in life and pathetic in death... That’s why it’s so satisfying. I’m so happy I could scream.

Go, Kuroi! Go get them.

Attack, attack, and kill every last one of them. Give that bastard a taste of his own medicine. Let him suffer as he’s made others suffer.

The pretentiously named Golden, the vengeance you’re owed for all of your pain, take her out on this battlefield.

Screw the elves.

Sakiel? I’ve got enough healing, so forget her.

The human army... Whatever. I mean, it’s rare, but it was plenty fun, so who cares?

Here we go, Kuroi! Let’s go! Keep going!