Chapter 3: Medical Exams

Chapter 3:
Medical Exams

 

MY LOVELY DATE with Mimi ended with lunch at the place the guild receptionist had recommended. It was, uh, quite the experience.

What was their specialty, you may ask? First, let me say that a lot of people insist you’ll never take to another culture’s specialties like you do your own, but I don’t really buy that crap. After all, how could a specialty be bad? It’s their specialty!

Or so I thought.

Here, you couldn’t really taste the contents of a freshly made food cartridge unless you were dining at the place it was made. Frankly, it might not have been the best idea for the establishment to take the ingredients and turn them into a paste for our consumption.

It was filling, yes, and it was savory. Kind of like a big, savory milkshake. Nutritional paste might be the best way to put it. Mimi and I couldn’t help but scrunch up our faces like Tibetan foxes when we ate it. I had to wonder if the receptionist lady had it out for us.

In any case, by the time we returned, Inagawa Technologies sent us a message with a referral for their general hospital. We headed there the next day for our checkups.

“What’s wrong?” Elma asked. “You don’t look too happy.”

“Sorry. I just can’t stand that stall over there.”

As fate would have it, we had to pass that horrible nutritional-paste milkshake place on our way to the hospital. Mimi looked just as nauseated by the proximity as I did. Incidentally, she was wearing a simple athletic outfit with a jacket on top so it would be easy to undress for our medical exams—Elma and I were dressed similarly. Naturally, we all had our laser guns too.

“Was it gross?” Elma asked.

“The lady at the guild recommended it, but yeah, it was awful,” I said.

“It was…a valuable experience,” Mimi commented.

I still couldn’t believe they considered this their “specialty,” though I supposed it was true that I wouldn’t find anything like it anywhere else in the universe. At least it was cheap and filling. I certainly wasn’t looking to be a repeat customer, though.

Mimi and I went on ranting about the horrible milkshakes until we reached a large building with the Inagawa Technologies logo painted on the wall.

“They made it easy to find, huh?” I muttered.

“It was certainly easy to spot from a distance.” Mimi craned her neck to gawk up at the building. Elma, on the other hand, didn’t seem too interested.

“How many floors is it?” I murmured on our way inside.

“They’ve gotta have guide robots here,” Elma said.

What the heck is a guide robot? I wondered as I followed after Elma. She pressed her terminal against a console on the wall. It beeped, then an orb the size of a fist rolled out of a hole in the wall.

“Welcome!” the orb said. “I am navigation unit N-34. Elma, I will be your guide to your destination.”

“Whoa, now that is high-tech,” I said.

“It’s not really…” Elma said. “But I guess it would be to you, huh?”

“Heh. Yeah, I guess.”

“Is it?” Mimi said.

“It is, trust me,” I assured her.

Mimi cocked her head to one side. Right, I’d never actually told her about my past as I had with Elma. She didn’t seem to suspect anything about me, though, so perhaps I’d see what Elma thought before taking that risk.

The N-34 navigation unit rolled down the hall, leading us toward the elevators.

“Heh heh.” I chuckled. “This thing’s kinda cute.”

“Really? You have interesting taste,” Elma drawled.

“It’s like a cute little animal.”

“I guess I can see that… It’s like it’s doing its best, despite being tiny.”

The navigation unit picked a floor, and the elevator began to rise. I wasn’t sure how it worked, but the elevators in this universe never needed to stop to let people on and off. You just went directly where you needed to go.

The elevator dinged, the doors opened, and the navigation unit rolled on toward our destination. It made a little clicking noise as it went—a clever design element, since it made it so easy to follow.

“Looks like we’re here,” I said. A room opened out before us. Doctors and nurses in white coats bustled past under the bright lights. Everything was blindingly white, clean, and sterile.

The robot rolled right up to someone’s foot. “Hello and welcome,” the person said. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

She stood about as tall as me, dark hair braided all the way down to her hips. Her sleepy eyes appraised us from behind thick glasses as she watched us with her hands in the pockets of her long white coat. Even with that heavy lab coat on, her chest looked like it could rival even Mimi’s. How excellent.

“The name’s Shouko,” she said. “I’m the one in charge of your medical exam. A doctor, y’know. Nice to meet you.” Her smile proved surprisingly sweet.

“I’m Captain Hiro, and these are my crew members, Elma and Mimi. We’re in your hands, Dr. Shouko.”

“Aww, c’mon,” she said. “You don’t have to be so stiff. Let’s all be friends, okay?”

“Oh, really? Works for me.”

I’m sure a lot of people tense up when they see a doctor who looks like that.

“So you’re here for a full medical exam, right?” Dr. Shouko asked, pulling out a tablet. Where’d she get that from? Weren’t her hands in her pockets before?

“Yes, ma’am,” I said. “I’m especially interested in which vaccinations I have and don’t have yet. Mimi here should only have the most common ones from Tarmein Prime too. We’ll be going all over the place as mercenaries, so we want to be safe. Elma, how about you?”

“Like I said, I’ve got them all,” Elma said. “Besides, we elves have better immune systems than humans, so it’s not super necessary. But I guess I might need updates on some of my shots, so it’s probably best that I get examined too.”

“Mhm, mhm.” Dr. Shouko took some notes. “Anything else?”

“Um, Master Hiro lost his memories—” Mimi started, but I interrupted her.

“Sorry, Mimi. I lied.”

“Huh?! Do you mean that?!” Her earnest shock stung. Dammit, Mimi, don’t look at me like that.

“It’s a bit more complex than memory loss. To put it simply, my memories aren’t totally clear. Some sort of hyperdrive accident or something brought me and my ship to the Tarmein System. I’m not sure why yet, though. My ship doesn’t have any docking records from before that system, either. It’s as if I just suddenly appeared in this universe out of nowhere.”

“Huh…” Dr. Shouko said. “That’s pretty weird, isn’t it?”

“It is definitely weird. Not only are my memories from before the accident weird, but things just don’t seem to match up in general. I was wondering if you could check if any of that has been affecting my body.”

“Mhm. So it’s possible that this hyperdrive stuff is putting a burden on your body or mind,” Dr. Shouko said. “I’d agree that you could use a thorough checkup.” Dr. Shouko hummed to herself as she tapped her tablet. Is she making a medical record or something? “No special medical history? No chronic conditions?”

I shook my head. “Not as far as I know.” I didn’t even have any allergies.

“Same,” Mimi said.

“Me neither,” Elma added.

“Let’s get right to it, then. First, we’ll do a full scan in our medical pods. The ones here are our newest model.”

“Inagawa Tech’s, right?”

“Yep! We aren’t much bigger than any other company in size or scope, but our technology is still the best. The only flaws are the pod’s size and cost, really. We like to shoot for the stars, y’know?”

Dr. Shouko went on extolling the virtues of the medical pods while leading us through the facility. It was all just garbled jargon to me.

“So that about explains it,” she said.

“I didn’t even understand a fifth of that,” I said flatly.

“I at least know it’s incredible!” Mimi said, ever the optimist.

“It seems functional, at least,” Elma said.

“Yep, ‘incredible’ sums it up pretty well.” Dr. Shouko shrugged off my dour review. She probably got more than her fair share of glazed eyes and blank, uncomprehending expressions when she explained things. I bet she enjoys lab work more than the human interaction aspects of medicine.

“You know, I owe you all my life for that rescue a few days back,” Dr. Shouko said. “I’m gonna give you the best treatment I can, so don’t worry.”

“Wait, what? You were on that ship we saved?” I said.

She gave me a hearty nod. “Yep! I thought we were goners for sure. I’m a pretty plain woman, so if pirates boarded our ship instead of shooting us down, they’d probably just dispose of me, if ya catch my drift.” She shrugged.

Dr. Shouko was selling herself short if she thought anyone would consider her plain, especially with a chest like that. Though, when it came to space pirates, being disposed of might be preferable.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I was really insistent that I take care of your medical exams. I’m more of an R&D gal, but meh, don’t worry about it. I’ve got a license, and I betcha I’m a lot better than some of those so-called ‘doctors’ out there.”

“Uh-huh.” Would it be rude to ask for a new doctor? I glanced at Mimi and Elma, who both shuffled their feet and shrugged. Guess we’re stuck with her.

Whatever. She said it was fine, so we just had to trust her. If it didn’t work out, maybe we could try a different hospital instead. It was just a routine checkup, after all.

“Here we are!” Dr. Shouko announced. “Come right in.”

“All right… Whoa,” I said.

“Wooow…” Mimi breathed.

“Neat,” Elma said.

Dr. Shouko had guided us into a room containing several medical pods, each much larger than the Krishna’s. The ship’s pod was about the size of a small bed, while each of these were as large as the Krishna’s entire med bay, at over six feet tall, ten feet long, and six feet deep.

“They’re pretty big,” I commented. Understatement of the century right there.

“Riiight?” Dr. Shouko said. “On top of that, these babies all have computers installed in them for positron emission tomography. Their functionality is guaranteed. Now get to stripping and pick your pods.” She handed us each medicine to take as we undressed.

“Stripping? Uh, how much?” I said.

“All of it,” she said.

“All of it?!”

“All of it. I’m used to naked specimens, so don’t worry about me.”

“Oh, okay…” I was more worried about myself than Dr. Shouko, in truth. Nevertheless, I peeled off my jacket and gym wear, sneaking a look over at Mimi and Elma. “Oof!” Elma threw her jacket right into my face to obstruct my view.

“Mimi, hurry up and get undressed so you can get in your pod,” Elma ordered. “You stay like that until we’re done, capisce?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I struck a quick salute and obeyed, but I was completely naked by now. Don’t I look like a perv with a woman’s jacket on my head? Doesn’t this seem weird to anyone? Just me, I guess.

“They’re in their pods now,” Dr. Shouko informed me. I pulled the jacket off of my head and threw my clothes into a basket.

“Thanks. Sorry you had to see that,” I said.

“Oh, no. You did just fine,” Dr. Shouko said.

With a quick nod of agreement, I opened a medical pod and climbed inside, lying on my back. It’s kinda cramped. It reminds me of the time I got that MRI scan done. The medicine Dr. Shouko had given us while we undressed spread a strange warmth through my whole body. I thought only women in adult films could radiate such heat.

“Can you hear me?” Dr. Shouko said. “I’m about to start the scan, so relax and try not to move.”

“Gotcha.” Pale green light scanned up and down my body a few times. I really hoped there wasn’t going to be some crazy side effect thanks to me coming from a different universe.

“And we’re done! I’m about to open the pod. Come on out and put some clothes on.”

Psheeew. The pod opened with a hiss of air. The scan had taken no time at all—not that I was complaining. Good ol’ sci-fi universes. I hastily put my clothes back on and returned Elma’s jacket to her.

“Mimi and I are fine, but I’m kinda scared about your results, Hiro,” Elma said.

“Let’s hope that you’re okay,” Mimi said.

“Hey, don’t say that. I’m getting all worried,” I said.

“Ah ha ha! I don’t think you have to… Hmm?” Dr. Shouko squinted at her tablet. Doc, I don’t like how furrowed your brow is! “Wait. Hmm… Huh?”

“I’m getting really worried now,” I said. “Mind telling me what the heck is going on?”

“No, no, wait. Hmm… Hiro, can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“I just have a few questions based on this,” Dr. Shouko said. “First off…it looks like you don’t have a translator implant in you.”

“Is that so?” I certainly didn’t remember getting any implant like that. Mimi and Elma raised their eyebrows at me.

“That’s unusual, if it’s true.”

“Very unusual,” Mimi agreed.

“Unusual for sure,” Elma said.

“Yes, quite,” Dr. Shouko added.

Apparently, the moment you had a birth certificate in this universe, you got your translator implant for free. Lacking one as an adult was basically unheard of.

“But you haven’t had any issues communicating yet, have you?” Mimi asked.

“Not as far as I’ve seen,” Elma answered for me. “Even if he’s got issues with common sense.”

“Huh, is that true? How about we run some tests?” Dr. Shouko said.

“Sure,” I said.

Dr. Shouko continued as she tapped at her tablet: “I will play several extraterrestrial languages through my speakers. Try repeating what they say. This is an implant test program.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Okay. Here’s the first one.”

Daily conversation played from Dr. Shouko’s tablet speakers, and I repeated what I heard. It all sounded like normal Japanese to me. We finished the test program with no particular issues.

“No problems here.” Dr. Shouko scratched her head. “What the heck is going on?”

“I don’t have the slightest idea.”

Maybe I’m getting that warped-to-another-world language bonus or something? If this is sci-fi, I wish they would’ve just given me the implant instead. I didn’t know what was going on, let alone how to take it.

“Uhh… How about we ignore the implant thing?” I suggested. “I seem to be getting on just fine without it.”

“Aww, but I was really interested!” Dr. Shouko whined.

“No, thanks. I’m not here to be your guinea pig, Doctor. Let’s get to the next subject.”

“Fiiine. My next question is…where are you from?”

“As far as I know, I’m from the third planet in the Solar System, Earth. Like…the one that the sun is in.”

The third planet in the Solar System was a weird thing to say; it was the kind of phrase I’d picked up from playing video games too much.

“The sun? I’ve never heard of that.” Dr. Shouko looked to Mimi and Elma for help, but they shook their heads.

“Leaving that aside, what’s so important about where I’m from?” I asked.

“Well, your genetic data has a lot of stuff that we’ve never observed before.”

“Like?”

“I looked into it, and your bodily functions aren’t different from any other humanoid, so you should be fine there. It’s really interesting, though. Having unusual genetic data means that you might have some special genes that we don’t possess.”

“Could you dumb that down for me?”

“Your genetic data is overflowing with unseen frontiers! Wanna give me some?”

“Uhh…” It was my turn to look to Mimi and Elma for help, but again they just shook their heads, apparently just as confused as me. “What’s in it for me if I help you?”

“It’s valuable data. Like, super valuable. Unknown genetic data is like vast, unexplored space!” Dr. Shouko stepped close, her excitement palpable. Hey, back off a little. It feels like your eyes are gonna pop out from behind those glasses. I set my hands on her shoulders to create a little breathing room between us.

“And what would this cost me?” I said.

“Almost nothing!” Dr. Shouko said. “We’ve got tight security, so your data will be safe. I don’t recommend getting examined like this anywhere else, though. If you’re not careful, you could run into someone eager to cut you up and take a look under the hood. We’re a lot better about that. If you give us your genetic data, I can promise that we won’t follow you around or kidnap you.”

“Hmm.” This was not what I was expecting. Sure, I figured it could be a big deal, what with me being from a different universe and all, but I’d never anticipated something like this. What to do? The safest course might be to accept her offer. “Okay, sure. I’ll offer you my genetic data, with one condition. In return, I’d like to entrust Inagawa Technologies with all of my health care.”

“No problem there!” Dr. Shouko replied. “Actually, that’s just what we’d want. It works to our advantage if other companies aren’t getting their hands on your data as well.”

“Sounds like everyone wins. Can you make me an offer right now?”

“Sadly, I don’t have that kind of authority.”

“Let’s hold off on making a final decision, then. For now, let’s just do the medical check and vaccines.”

“After I harvest your data. Those checks and vaccines could taint it. I want it as natural as I can get it.” Dr. Shouko offered me an eerie smile.

I shivered. What kind of vaccine changes your genetic information?

“So I have to come back?” I said.

“Oh, no, no. I put your data scan at the tippity-top of our priority list. The offer ought to come before long.”

“I see.”

“If you’re willing to wait a little while, I can go ahead with Mimi’s and Elma’s examinations first. They’ll go to a different room for that. Just follow the navigation bot, ladies.” Another of those little guide bots rolled into the room right on cue.

“Sure,” I said. “Let’s just get it over with.”

“Master Hiro…” Mimi squirmed, but Elma chuckled and dragged her away.

“Don’t worry,” Elma said. “The doctors won’t bite. He’s a big boy; he can take care of himself.”

“Let’s go back to the lobby,” Dr. Shouko told me. “That’s a better place to talk.”

“Sure.”

I waved to Mimi and Elma and followed Dr. Shouko back toward the lobby. Even as she walked, the doctor kept tapping away on her tablet.

“The staff will take good care of them, so don’t worry,” Dr. Shouko said, her eyes still glued to her screen. “They’re not researchers like me. They’re normal doctors.”

“That so? By the way, I was wondering: is it that easy to get an offer from you guys?”

“The reward for unknown genetic data depends on its value and potential for practical application. How much of it is unknown also contributes a little bit. Now that I’ve sent the data, it shouldn’t take long for… Oh! Speak of the devil, there it is!”

“That was fast.”

Ridiculously fast, actually. How much sway did Dr. Shouko hold with Inagawa Technologies?

“So let’s talk money,” Dr. Shouko said.

“How forward of you.”

“Money’s a convenient tool in that you can build trust in seconds instead of building it over the course of years. You’ve just gotta have the right price.”

“True,” I agreed. “And what is our price?”

“Three million Ener is our offer.”

“That’s a ton of money. Is my genetic data that valuable?” That was equivalent to 300,000,000 yen. It was like I was from some special, ancient bloodline or something.

“I said this before, but undiscovered humanoid genes are a promising frontier,” Dr. Shouko said. “We could explore whole new realms of understanding and technology with this.”

“A new level…” I muttered.

How the hell is she gonna use it? Well, I guess I don’t know the bioethics of this universe yet, so there’s no point in stressing about it.

“Protect my personal data for me, okay?” I said.

“Absolutely. Here’s the contract, by the way.”

Dr. Shouko presented her tablet and I skimmed the document on the screen. Pretty normal boilerplate stuff: they’d protect my info, no cloning without permission, I was owed 30,000,000 Ener if Inagawa Tech breached the contract, et cetera. They’d even thrown in the bit about all my future health care needs going through them. Hard as I looked, I couldn’t find any loopholes or pitfalls.

“You’re a cautious one,” the doctor mused.

“It’s just scary to give away my genetic data,” I said. “I’m also weirded out by how well you’re compensating me for this.”

“Is it that much? Keep in mind that no matter how much money we make from your data, you won’t see one Ener of it.”

“Well, nothing good can come from being too greedy,” I said. “I’m planning to make money my own way, so that doesn’t concern me.”

“Ooh. How very mercenary of you.” Dr. Shouko grinned to herself.

Despite the easy payday, I had to wonder if this was really for the best. Selling my genetic data creeped me out, but at the same time, Inagawa Tech would probably just keep hounding me if I refused. As long as my crew and I were safe, that was all that mattered.

“All set, then?” Dr. Shouko asked.

“Yeah.” I used my finger to sign the contract and seal the deal.

“Woo, I’m glad we got that contract over with! Now, let’s get some blood and semen samples.”

“Okay, I get the blood. But how do we get the semen?”

“Hee hee. Why don’t you wait and see?” Dr. Shouko shot me a funny look and licked her lips.

“Hold up, hold up! This wasn’t in the contract! No, stop, pleeease!”

 

***

 

“Urk… My purity…” I lamented in Inagawa Tech’s medical pod.

Dr. Shouko’s delighted voice sliced through my self-pity. “A job well done!”

How did they get my semen, you ask? I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that. Instead, I’ll just leave it to your imagination. I think I’m too traumatized to enter a pod ever again.

“Some people get really addicted to that, y’know,” Dr. Shouko claimed.

“Never again, I beg of you.” I crawled out of the pod and put my clothes on. Ugh, my asshole feels so wrong now. When I pictured giving up my genetic data, I imagined some raunchy fun with Dr. Shouko. Boy, was I ever wrong.

“That takes care of data extraction,” Dr. Shouko said. “Ooh, I’m so excited! Hee hee!”

While I still trembled from that harrowing experience, Dr. Shouko bounced with delight. She beamed at me, her cheeks flushed pink. It was hard to stay mad at her, even as strange as my body felt in that moment.

“Hey, there you are,” Elma said. “Whoa, why are your eyes so red?”

“You all right, Master Hiro?” Mimi asked, concerned.

“Comfort me.” I went in for a hug, but Elma pushed me away. Instead, I dropped to my knees, burying my face in Mimi’s chest. Ahh, so soft… Oh! She’s stroking my hair! I love her.

“Hey, what the heck’s going on?” Elma demanded.

Dr. Shouko answered immediately. “He agreed to give us his genetic data, so I extracted it from him. I guess he didn’t enjoy our methods.”

“What methods?”

“We gave him a little poke in the butt, see, to extract his semen.”

“Argh!” The calamity that had befallen me was being revealed to all the world. Please, don’t rub salt in my wounds, you witch! Now I’m gonna have to get Mimi to comfort me… Heh heh.

“Poor Master Hiro. You really suffered,” Mimi said.

Meanwhile, Elma rolled her eyes. “You can’t seriously be that much of a baby. You’re just using it as an excuse to get attention.”

“Elma, don’t be mean,” Mimi chided her. “His eyes are so red that I think he really was crying.” Mimi squeezed my head tight. Aah, pure bliss.

Dumb, cruel Elma had to go and ruin it, though. “That’s pretty pathetic.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” the doctor said. “I didn’t think you’d hate it that much, and I was so excited that I didn’t give you the full explanation of what was about to happen. I should’ve explained it better and either let you do it in another room or help you directly myself.”

Was getting her to help an option? Really? Why couldn’t that have been my fate instead?

“If you’re gonna do it yourself, you might as well get our help,” Elma said. “Doctor, you don’t have to go that far for him.”

“Oh? I think I should,” Dr. Shouko said. “If Hiro here hadn’t saved me, I’d be lost in the dead of space right now. A little help is nothing compared to that.” Dr. Shouko giggled to herself and Elma let out a groan of dismay.

Is it just me or are things getting a little awkward? Mimi kept on hugging my head, petting my hair in soothing strokes. I could have absolutely melted there in her arms.

“Okay, I’ve recovered,” I said.

“Master Hiro, are you sure?”

“Like the phoenix, I rise again.” Despite the temptation to stay nuzzled against Mimi’s ample cleavage, I forced myself to my feet.

Elma huffed. “A big man shouldn’t cry from a little bit of poking.”

“It wasn’t a little,” I said. “She shoved it right in. Hey, if you wanna be like that, how about I show you what it was like? You can blame yourself for what’s going to happen tonight.”

“Huh?! H-hey, hold on…” Elma went pale at the prospect.

“So the vaccines are next?” I said, changing the subject.

“Yep!” Dr. Shouko said. “It looks like your basic biological functions are the same as normal humans, so the vaccines should work fine on you. You shouldn’t have any negative side effects, but try to rest for at least three days afterward.”

“Okay, gotcha. Lead the way, Doc.”

“Good. Can you two wait in the lobby for me?” she asked Elma and Mimi.

“’Kay,” Elma said.

“Yes, ma’am,” Mimi said.

The vaccines, thankfully, proved far simpler than the genetic data extraction. Dr. Shouko used a gun-style syringe to inject my arm, neck, and chest, and that was that.

“That was easy. It didn’t even hurt,” I said.

“Hurt? Do vaccines hurt where you’re from?” Dr. Shouko said.

“Oh, uh… In my experience, they can.”

“You said you came from the third planet in the Solar System? So back at home, stuff like this hurts, huh?”

“Just forget it, please,” I said. I suddenly felt weirdly protective of us Earthlings.

“If these procedures cause pain…hmm, then your medical facilities must really be lagging behind.”

“Dr. Shouko, has anyone ever told you not to pry?”

“Ha ha ha! All the time.” Dr. Shouko laughed, shrugging off my attempt at criticism. It was hard to stay upset with her.

“Anyway, can you stop trying to pry information out of me? It’s sensitive stuff.” I said.

“Fiiine. You planet-dwellers are all like that. So private.”

I found it hard to believe I was actually all that similar to “planet-dwellers.” In this universe, living on an actual planet was a rare—and expensive—privilege that very few got to enjoy. Still, better to have Dr. Shouko see me as some rich guy with a bad memory rather than a traveler from a different universe. Who knew what kind of lab rat she and Inagawa Technologies would turn me into then?

“So am I free to go?” I said.

“Sure. I do have a lot more I want to know about you, y’know.”

“Maybe leave it until after you’ve finished looking into my genetics.”

Dr. Shouko tried her best puppy-dog eyes, but I shrugged it off. It would take more than cuteness to bring down the great Captain Hiro.

“Ah ha ha! I’m not good enough for you, huh? Elma and Mimi are cute too, I know.”

“Yep. They are too,” I said.

“That’s…what I said,” she replied, looking a little confused.

“Are we done here, then?”

“Oh, yes! I’ll tell you the results of your medical exam. Why don’t we get the girls first?”

We found Elma and Mimi chatting in the lobby. Elma looked up the moment we entered the room.

“I’m surprised you noticed us,” I said.

“I can hear your footsteps from a mile away, buddy.”

“Elves have good hearing, y’know,” Dr. Shouko cut in. “People like them live traditional lives in the forest. They can pick out a wild animal’s footsteps from more than a mile away.”

“Is that true?” I asked Elma. Maybe those long ears weren’t just for show.

“I’m not that good.” She shrugged. “These ears aren’t always a positive thing, though. I hear a lot of stuff I don’t wanna hear, and I can’t wear helmets or headgear made for humans.”

“Stuff you don’t wanna hear?” I said.

“Yeah. For example, your stomach’s growling.”

“Jeez, really?” I covered my belly, but I couldn’t feel it, let alone hear it. I was getting pretty hungry, though.

“Ooh, it is about that time. Do you wanna eat next?” Dr. Shouko said.

“We could, but what would we even have?” I asked her.

“If you want a recommendation, you could eat the contents of a freshly made food cartridge—”

“We’ll pass,” Mimi and I interjected, our eyes vacant. Elma chuckled, and Dr. Shouko cocked her head in confusion. Did she not have taste buds? Or had they atrophied due to her disgusting diet? Either way, I pitied her for having to choke down those horrible milkshakes on this colony.

“Really?” Dr. Shouko said. “Well, I’ve got the results of your medical exams. Let’s go talk in private.”

I can only hope there’s nothing wrong with me.

 

***

 

“Let’s lead with the bottom line here: all three of you are the very picture of health. You have no underlying diseases, and your bodily functions are working just fine,” Dr. Shouko began.

“That’s great!” I said, although I was never really worried about myself to begin with. Elma seemed hardy enough, but Mimi had endured some rough living.

“All of your vaccinations are up to date too,” Dr. Shouko continued. “Elma didn’t need any updates, but we went ahead and updated Mimi and Hiro. But, Hiro, isn’t it just weird how you don’t have any traces of previous vaccinations?”

I just shrugged. “I skipped my vaccinations before now due to religious reasons.”

“Fair enough. Anyway, like I said before, you’ll want to take it easy for three days just in case of side effects. The chance is less than a tenth of a percent, but it isn’t zero.”

“Gotcha. Anything else we should watch out for?” I said.

“Hmm…” Dr. Shouko mulled it over. “Mimi and Elma, could I talk to you for a sec?”

“Yes, ma’am?” Mimi said.

“What’s up?” Elma asked.

“Come over here for a moment. Hiro, make some space,” Dr. Shouko said.

“Er, okay?” I was totally lost.

I turned away to give them a little privacy while Dr. Shouko read something off her tablet to the girls. Mimi nodded gravely, while Elma alternated between going pale and blushing furiously.

“Now I’m really curious…” I muttered.

“Sorry! Just wait over there.” Dr. Shouko shooed me away.

I caught Elma’s eye for a moment, searching for a clue.

“Ulp!” She went red as a beet. What’s the deal? I’m dying to know. Elma was getting redder by the minute; Mimi just sat there composed as could be. What was going on here?

“And that’s that,” Dr. Shouko concluded. “Pay attention to that, okay?”

“O-o-okay, got it,” Elma stuttered.

“Yes, ma’am,” Mimi said.

“So, er… Is there anything else we should talk about?” I asked.

“If you don’t have any questions, then not really,” Dr. Shouko said. “I’ll send all the data to your ship later on.”

Oh, you mean those numbers I never understand. I didn’t know if it was the same in this universe, but back at home, when a doctor sent me those kinds of numbers, they just looked like gibberish to me.

“So are we good to go?” I said.

“Yep! Feel free to get on outta here,” Dr. Shouko replied.

“Can you take the fee out of the pay for my genetic data? If not, I can still pay now.”

“You should probably ask the people in the lobby. I’m just a researcher-slash-doctor, you see.”

“Fair. Well, thanks for everything,” I said.

“Thank you, Doctor,” Mimi said.

“Th-thanks,” Elma managed to say.

With the girls in tow—Mimi perfectly calm and Elma still shaken for some reason—we returned downstairs to the lobby. The sum for all of us was only 90,000 Ener, which was far less than I’d been prepared to pay. Still, that translated to 9,000,000 yen. Yikes.

I guess I should be happy that we’ve bought good health? Nah, that’s still too much. Health care is too expensive in this universe; duly noted.

 

***

 

Instead of going out to eat afterward, we headed right back to the ship. The Steel Chef would likely cook us up something better than whatever adventurous new food we might discover in the colony.

“So what did you girls talk about with the doctor toward the end?” I said. My curiosity had never really abated since that whole incident. “Elma’s reaction was so funny that it got me wondering.”

“N-nothing!” Elma yelped, keeping her eyes fixed on her food.

Is this how it feels to be shut down? I turned toward Mimi instead.

“She just told me that she had better medicine for me than the one I’m currently taking,” Mimi said.

“Is that it? Well, how about we switch to it? I’ll gladly pay for it,” I said.

“Yes, sir. Thank you, Master Hiro.” Mimi smiled sweetly. As it should be; it’s the captain’s job to protect his crew, after all.

“And you, Elma?” I said.

“A-again, nothing. It was pretty much the same as what she said to Mimi.”

“Hmm…” That didn’t really explain all that blushing, but she’d get angry if I pried. “So we gotta take it easy for three days. What should we do? Do we have to just stay in here the whole time?”

“Actually, no,” Mimi said. “I asked her about it when she vaccinated me, and it seems we don’t have to be that extreme. Taking walks should be no issue, according to her. Also, the side effects are apparently pretty rare.”

“That so? Well, should we go see the sights together?” I said.

“That sounds nice,” Mimi replied. “My research tells me that shopping is the main draw of this colony. They have a lot of different shops.”

“Yeah, for real,” I agreed. “We killed a lot of time that way before. It was fun. They must have something other than shopping, though, right?”

“You can tour the factories—the food cartridge and artificial meat manufacturing, aquaculture farms, assembly plants, shipbuilding factories, and more. They’re quite popular,” Mimi told me.

“Wow, factory tours. Could be fun.” I definitely had to wonder how all this artificial food I’d been shoving down my gullet was made.

“They also have tours of places where modified crops are made into alcohol,” Mimi added.

A certain elf’s ears perked up. She’s too easy.

“Are the tours by reservation only?” I asked.

“I believe so. Shall I plan a few?” Mimi said.

“Sure. Can you make a pretty lenient schedule for us? I’ll let you decide where we go. Oh, but make sure you put the alcohol place last, please.” That got Elma’s ears twitching.

“Okay. I’ll find the best-reviewed places. I think some of them offer samples too!” Mimi said.

I snuck a look at Elma, but the moment our eyes met, she shot her gaze back down at the table. Elma, you already cleaned your plate. There’s nothing to look at.

“Well, how about we make tomorrow a factory tour date?” I said.

“That sounds lovely!” Mimi chirped.

“Y-yeah, lovely,” Elma said. “Um, I’m gonna go shopping.”

“Hm? What are you going out for? Do you want me to come with you, or are you fine alone?” I said.

“I-I’m fine, I mean it! I’m going fully equipped, okay? Alone!”

Elma jerked to her feet, rushing to put her plate in the dishwasher before I could press the matter.

“Mimi?” I was desperate for a little insight at this point.

“I shouldn’t be the one to say it,” Mimi said. “It’s nothing bad, I think. Once she makes up her mind, she should bring it up herself.”

“I still don’t get it, but tell Elma not to worry too much, okay?” I said.

“Yes, sir.”

We heard a door clang as Elma rushed right out of the ship.

Is she gonna be okay? I’m kinda worried…

 

***

 

We didn’t see Elma again until nighttime. Even when she returned to the ship, she took pains to avoid me, even having Mimi deliver her dinner and texting us when she wanted her bath. By the time she appeared in my bedroom, her face was red as a tomato. What’s this? I didn’t order steamed elf.

Whatever she was here for, she’d dressed up for the occasion with a neat white negligee. Usually, she’d be a bit more casual about things, but I had to admit I loved seeing her in that cute nightie. Her milky white skin flushing pink was absolutely titillating. She looked like a whole different person.

“You’ve been acting weird since lunch,” I said. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I-I’m fine. I mean it…” Elma did her best to face me, but all that blushing undercut her denial.

“Well, uh… This is awkward. How about you come over and sit down instead of just standing there?”

“Ah… Bleh, fine.” She scurried over and hesitated in front of the bed for a moment before finally settling down—out of arm’s reach.

“Today sure was tiring, huh?” I said.

“Y-yeah. It was.”

“Especially since you’re being so weird.”

“Am not…” Elma’s evasions sounded weaker and weaker.

“Doesn’t that hurt?”

“Urgh…” Elma groaned and covered her long, bright-red ears. So elves hide their ears instead of their faces, huh? That’s a funny cultural difference.

“So what’s the deal? Things just seem awkward today.” I wrapped an arm around Elma’s hips. She twitched, as if I startled her. Um, what?

“S-so, um…” she began.

“Yeah?”

“I-I-I, um, see, y-you…”

“You?” I urged her on.

“W-w-w-wee…woooo!”

“Why are you a fire engine now?! Also, why are you stripping—holy crap, your breath stinks of alcohol!”

Her stammering stopped, and a naked Elma collapsed right into my arms. She reeked of booze, clearly way too drunk. I set her in the bed and just watched her until she dozed off before sliding under the sheets beside her.

“Mnh… Hirooo…” Elma clung to my arm, a goofy smile plastered on her face. “Let’s make babies… Zzz.”

“What the heck is she dreaming about?”

I shook my head, laughing at Elma’s strange muttering, and relaxed with her warmth against me. That whole medical exam had been mentally exhausting, and I dozed off quickly.

 

***

 

“Aaaargh!” Elma woke with a jerk and slapped her hands over her bright-red ears. “I drank to build up my courage, but then I just fell asleep.”

“Courage? Uh, how much did you drink?” I asked her.

“A whole bottle of whiskey.”

“Sad, but not unexpected.” Well, a whole bottle of whiskey would explain why the little space elf had passed out like that. At least she hadn’t vomited. “So? What was wrong? Why did you need that much liquid courage?”

“I mean, I was just in shock,” Elma said. “The doctor told me that you are a compatible mate for me. As in, like, for children. Elves can’t have children with someone unless they’ve subconsciously acknowledged them as their soulmate, so…” Elma turned to face me with jagged motions, like a broken toy.

“Morning,” I murmured, greeting the blushing elf anew. A greeting is an inviolably sacred act. It is thus written in the Record of Ancient Matters. Maybe that would help set aside this awkwardness once and for all.

“M-mor—?!” she sputtered, then scooped up a pillow, switching from embarrassed to mad.

“Mgah?!” I screamed. She had smashed a pillow into my face. Hey, stop smothering me! My nose hurts! Agh, I can’t breathe!

I wasted a lot of energy on an early morning brawl with a certain deranged elf. C’mon, girl. You won’t get much attention if you’re this violent in the morning. That’s why you’re a sad little space elf.