Chapter 10: Lieutenant Cute-but-Annoying

Chapter 10:
Lieutenant Cute-but-Annoying

 

“YOU WON’T escape me.”

“Uh-oh.”

We spent three days getting everything ready: provisions, fuel, and maintenance. The Krishna was in tip-top shape and ready to blast off into the universe.

Then Serena returned. And she wasn’t in her uniform this time.

“Ma’am?!” I panicked. Why was she here in her street clothes? “Uh, ma’am, please? Ma’am, please, ma’am, I’m begging you. Ma’am!”

“What’s with that response?!” Serena said. “E-excuse me! Stop pushing me! Rude! This is beyond disrespectful! I am the daughter of Marquess Holz, I’ll have you know!”

“Tch. Damn, you’re annoying.”

“Pardon? Did you just call me annoying?!” Serena’s jaw dropped at my blatant dismissal. Oh? What’s that? Are you gonna use your noble rights or whatever to cut me down without remorse?

“Erm, Master Hiro? I’m not sure that’s a good way to speak to her…” Mimi said.

“How fearless can one man get?” Elma muttered.

Mimi’s face drained as she watched me shove the lieutenant commander away; Elma just shook her head. Hey, what’s the problem? I don’t know how this noble feels, but the Krishna is my ship. She can’t just barge into my domain.

“What’s the deal?” I said. “Didn’t you say you’d give up on trying to recruit me?”

“Ngh! Y-yes, I suppose I did, but…”

“But?”

“It’s not fair! I’m buried in work, but you all get to go enjoy yourselves in the Cierra System’s resorts?! That’s the definition of unfair!” Serena jabbed a finger at us.

“Ugh. How annoying can she be?” I griped. How’d she know we’re going there, anyway? Now I’m scared.

“I heard that! You called me annoying again!”

I ignored Serena’s palpable disappointment and sighed. What else could I call her but annoying? What other word could describe the disruption her every appearance brought with it, as if she had planned specifically to arrive right when we were about to leave?

“That’s mean even for you, Hiro,” Elma said. “You’re usually nice to girls.”

“I wouldn’t mind if she was just a big shot, but she’s the marquess’s daughter. If I’m too nice to her, she might get overly attached.”

“Attached?! What am I, some sort of pet?!” Serena flushed with fury.

“You may be having the opposite effect,” Mimi warned.

Wait, really? Is Serena getting more attached every time I try to push her away?

“So for real, what’s the deal?” I said. “Yes, we’re about to go on vacation in the Cierra System. Well, a working vacation. We’ll still take down some pirates here and there.”

“Well, I think it’s, erm…imprudent,” Serena said.

“Imprudent?” I parroted.

“Yes. People died and property was damaged in that bioterrorist attack. Do you not think it’s imprudent to go on vacation during such a difficult time for the colony?”

“I see.” I nodded.

“Heh. I’m glad you understand. Perhaps you could remain—”

“It has nothing to do with us, though,” I cut in. “Now, we’ve gotta get going. Can you leave, please? I’d say it’s way more imprudent to use that as an excuse to keep us around.”

“Aah!” Serena screamed. “No, you can’t! It’s wrong for a man to lay hands upon an unwed noblewoman! Aah! I’ll cut you down for this slight, I swear! It is my right!”

“God, how annoying are you, really?! You look sober, but you must be drunk!” I tried to push Serena out of the cafeteria, but she locked herself in the doorway using all four limbs, resisting for dear life. I’d have to pry her out with the damn power armor at this rate.

“Ugh, jeez. Calm down, you two. C’mon.” Elma stepped between us and forced us apart. Resisting wouldn’t do me much good here, so I raised my hands in surrender and settled in a chair. Mimi sat next to me while Serena and Elma sat across from us.

“Okay.” I sighed. “I’ll ask you one more time. What’s the deal? We want to get out of this star system. If you don’t give me a good reason for impeding our freedom, then I’m going to use my authority as captain to have these two help me throw you out of the ship.” I glared at Serena in an attempt at intimidation.

It worked.

“Urk…” She averted her eyes, refusing to look at any of us. “I envy you all. So I wanted to come and stop you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m jealous, and I wanted to stop you! Do you have a problem with that?!” Serena barked.

“A lot of problems, yeah!” I said.

“In what universe is this fair?! I spend every last minute of every last hour of every last day looking at those damned tentacle monsters on the holo-display, poring over the data, attending strategy meetings, and writing reports! Yet you get to go to a resort! Why would I not come to stop you?!”

“That’s straight-up annoying! This really is just jealousy!”

“No, no, no! It’s not fair, it’s not fair! I wanna go on vacation!”

“You’re throwing a tantrum now?! What about your honor as a soldier or your pride as a noble?!”

The lieutenant commander banged her fists on the table and screamed. She must have been drinking before she came here, because the levelheaded soldier I knew before was totally gone.

“So you really just…came to stop us because you’re jealous?” I asked.

Serena glared up at me and nodded. I smiled, prompting her to do the same. Gotcha.

“Okay, get out.”

“Nooo! But I was so honest!” she howled.

“You were malicious! How am I supposed to sympathize?!”

Serena clung to the table in protest as I attempted to peel her off. Mimi was, of course, the one to put an end to our struggle. “Excuse me. May I speak?”

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Well, Lieutenant Commander, I believe you know that throwing temper tantrums won’t help,” Mimi told her. “You know your position better than anyone. The fact that you’re wearing street clothes means that you’re off work, correct?”

“Right,” Serena said.

“Then perhaps you’re here for a breather or even to vent your feelings. You want to spend time with Master Hiro because he ignores your status and talks to you as you are. Is that right?”

Serena’s sulky silence was answer enough.

“Spend time with me?” Mimi might have had some insight, but I was totally in the dark. Besides, I wasn’t looking to take Serena out on another disastrous, drunken date. She reeked of trouble.

“How about we have a little party?” Elma proposed. “We don’t have any organic food, but the Steel Chef makes good stuff. I’ve got some drinks too.”

“Yeah, you do,” I said. “Like the 100,000 Ener worth of stuff that’s burning a hole in my cargo hold, right?” Elma visibly twitched at the reminder.

“Wh-why does it matter? You want to keep me here, don’t you?” Elma said.

“Yeah, true.” The pretty, reliable Elma was great to have around the ship, just like sweet little Mimi. But Serena? No way. That’d be a whole different ball game. “Okay, just for today, we can break out the drinks. And you owe me two now, Serena.”

“Urk! O-okay.” Serena’s debt to me was growing, which should have been a problem for her—unless she was just using that to remain close to me. Oh, no.

“How about we get to it?” I said. “We can call it a farewell party.”

“Yes, sir!” Mimi chirped. “I actually just had some new food shipped here! Let’s try it.”

Wait. New food? When had that happened? Mimi was picking up a few tricks from Elma. I had to wonder how packed the cargo hold was with them both sneaking in their favorite treats.

 

***

 

“So, er… I can’t really think of anything, but anyway, cheers!”

“Cheers!”

After my flat, boring toast, the girls clinked their glasses together. They all had booze, but I stuck to my usual non-carbonated soda.

Mimi beamed. “Aah, what a lovely drink!”

“That’s the one I bought back at the factory,” Elma told her. “It was a little expensive…”

“You call 100,000 Ener a little?” I asked.

“I-It’s not that much money for mercenaries…”

“You all have a strange relationship with money,” Serena mused.

“N-not me!” Mimi said. “Master Hiro and Elma are just a little…”

“A little what?” Elma cut in. “Didn’t you beg Hiro for a new bath, washing machine, cooker, and all that stuff? How much was it? Three hundred thousand Ener?”

“Agreed. You’re just as bad,” I said.

“N-not at all…” Mimi murmured.

Whoever said “three women make a madhouse” was right. They had seemingly endless things to talk about, hopping from topic to topic. I struggled to follow the twisting threads of rapidly shifting conversation. Can’t I just organize it all on a flash drive?

Instead, I surveyed the spread of treats that arrived thanks to Mimi. I couldn’t even name half the stuff on the table. All kinds of cuisine awaited us. There must’ve been as many dishes as there were stars in the sky. Okay, maybe that’s a little hyperbolic.

I decided to inspect the dish closest to me. It was a pinkish pasta, or so it appeared. It’s okay. It’s, uh, not moving or anything. I won’t say what it was, but just imagining it made me shudder. I used my chopsticks to pick up a bit of pasta and examined it closely. Okay, it’s pasta. It doesn’t LOOK like worms, at least.

I put it in my mouth. It didn’t struggle or explode on my tongue, which was a relief. As for the taste…it was reminiscent of sea urchin. There was a sweet richness to it, making it pretty dang tasty altogether.

I was still chewing when I found the girls staring at me.

“What?” I said around a mouthful.

“Is that good?” Elma asked me.

“I don’t mind it. It’s sweet and thick… Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Umm, that’s called a spaceworm—” Mimi started.

“La la la, I can’t hear you!” I yelled. “This is sea urchin pasta! Urchin-flavored pasta made with advanced flavoring techniques!”

“That’s quite the attempt at self-deception…” Elma commented.

Mimi, why’d you buy this disgusting creature?! No, wait. This is pasta. It’s not disgusting, and it’s not a creature. It’s pasta!

“Why don’t you all try it? This sea urchin pasta is good.”

“Er, I would rather not.” Serena backed off.

Elma cringed. “Me neither.”

“I really shouldn’t…” And Mimi made three.

“You bought it! Why don’t you want it?” I pressed.

“Umm…”

“Aren’t you supposed to be trying all the food in the universe?” I said.

“Ulp… Yes.” Mimi plucked up a bit of worm, I mean, pasta. Pasta. Right. Tears shimmered in her eyes as she chewed, but suddenly she blinked, her whole face brightening. “Huh? It’s actually good.”

“Right? Pretend it’s sea urchin pasta, and it’s just fine,” I said.

“I agree. Yes, it’s just fine,” Mimi said.

Elma and Serena shared a wary glance.

“M-maybe I should try it too?” Elma said.

“A-agreed. We wouldn’t want to waste it,” Serena said.

Timidly, they nibbled at the pasta. Like Mimi, they cringed at first, but after a few bites, they blinked in surprise.

“It’s actually good, wow,” Elma marveled.

“Quite the delicate flavor…” Serena said.

“By the way, I can’t help but feel like someone put this in front of me on purpose,” I said. “I wonder why?”

“Erm, it’s just a coincidence,” Mimi said.

“Yeah, totally. Coincidence!” Elma echoed.

“Kinda crazy how all of your foods are clearly normal compared to mine.” Elma and Mimi sweated under the weight of my glare, but I didn’t push it any harder than that. “Whatever. How about we try this one next? Mimi, you first!”

“Eep?!” Mimi stiffened up and made a funny noise when she saw the plate I pushed at her. Orbs the size of marbles sat on it, glossy and black.

“What’s wrong? They’re all foods that you bought.”

“Eh heh heh…”

She was deflecting. Nice try, cutie. I pushed the plate at her again.

“Urk…” Teary-eyed, she plucked up a black marble in a trembling hand. The moment Mimi chomped down, she went absolutely, eerily still.

“How is it?” I asked.

“Well, um…not bad?” Mimi furrowed her brow and cocked her head.

Her reaction prompted the rest of us to try one of the strange marbles ourselves.

“Mm?” Elma said.

“Hmm?” Serena said.

“What is this weird flavor?” I wondered aloud. It was sweet but also salty and acidic, as though someone had added soy sauce to pudding. “What is this? Actually, never mind. Don’t tell me.” Seeing the look on Mimi’s face, I didn’t really want to know.

“I think that’s for the best,” Mimi agreed.

It was probably some sort of egg. The egg of something that made Mimi really uncomfortable. Yeah, ignorance is bliss this time.

“Is that all of the weird stuff?” I asked, afraid of what might remain.

“Yes,” Mimi said. “The rest is rather inoffensive.”

It turned out she was right. I enjoyed some of that cartoon meat on the bone from before, fruit I’d never seen that sat in neat little tarts, fish flakes, black jerky, and fried shrimp the size of my pointer finger. Incidentally, the shrimp and the black marbles had also been placed in front of me.

“Oh, what delicious-looking shrimp! Elma, try it out!” I said.

“Bwuh?!” Elma’s long ears perked up, but she hesitated. Was shrimp considered strange here? “Umm… It would be kinda rude to eat before you, right?”

“Ha ha ha! Don’t be modest. C’mon, here comes the choo-choo train.”

“Ulp.”

You won’t escape me.

As it turned out, shrimp wasn’t that weird, but we weren’t eating shrimp. Nope. Those things I thought were shrimp were actually some kind of caterpillar. Still tasted creamy and delicious, but suddenly I understood Elma’s reluctance.

 

***

 

All the food now identified, we enjoyed the feast before us. The girls also enjoyed their booze, though as usual, I abstained.

“Ah ha ha ha!”

“Master Hiro, c’mooon…”

“He had the gall to say I was too late to help!” Serena shouted, belligerent. “Well, excuse me for destroying a pirate base and cleaning up the remains! You’re the one stationed at the colony, so why don’t you protect it yourself?!”

Send help. Elma drowned herself in alcohol while Mimi clung to me and tugged at my clothing. All the while, Serena ranted about her unfair lot in life.

“Now, now, Serena. Calm down,” I said.

“And you!” Serena slurred. “You go around with your power armor defending the port, killing off a whole bunch of monsters on your own, rescuing Inagawa’s hospital, and then they make nanomachines to kill the rest! Do you know all the complaints I heard? ‘Oooh, the mercenary helped us out more than your squad.’ That’s why I told you I was going to be away! Why don’t you all use your soldiers better, huh?! It’s your fault that bioterrorism happened in the first place! Ugh!” Serena snatched my collar and yanked, flinging her pent-up rage at me. I couldn’t stand hearing her drunk-logic lectures, but they were inevitable from the moment she took her first sips.

“Oh, um… Calm down. Deep breaths.”

“Grrrr…” She growled but eased up on my collar.

“Uh. You okay?” I said.

Serena did not respond except to collapse right there on the table, fast asleep.

“Does she not realize she’s unconscious on a man’s ship?” I said. “That’s pretty reckless, if you ask me.”

“Heh heh heh.” Elma smirked. “Wanna do it?”

“Stop making those gross hand gestures at me, you drunk elf.” Elma prodded the index finger of one hand through a loop made by her index and thumb on the other hand. You know the gesture. “If I wanted to get off, I’d rather do it with someone who’s drunk but awake than with someone who’s unconscious.”

“Urk?!” That blew the dumb smirk right off of Elma’s face. Heh. Now that’s what I wanted to see.

Rather than keep teasing, I eased Mimi off of me and set her down on the couch. Then I scooped up Serena, bridal-style.

“Whoa. So you are gonna do it?” Elma said.

I grinned mischievously at her question and let out a “Yeet!” as I chucked Serena right into the medical pod. I didn’t have a death wish, so of course I didn’t desire any kind of drunken fling with a woman like Serena. She’d come roaring back with a marriage certificate or something, demanding I take responsibility. And what if her parents heard about this? I’d disappear without a trace—and fast.

“Huh? Back already? What, you couldn’t get it up?” Elma teased.

“You turn into a hell of a potty mouth when you’re drunk.” I bopped Elma on the head.

“Wow. Why do you get to act so big?” Elma said. “You know you’re head over heels for us. Once you peel back the surface layer, you’re one heck of a beast.”

“I can’t refute that,” I said. “Every man knows that he’s got a beast deep inside him. It’s pretty hard to hold that beast back with restraint alone, y’know.”

“Oh, jeez,” Elma groaned. “Do you think you sound cool?”

“Aww, what’s wrong? Does someone want attention?” Her schoolyard jabs were cute, but I saw right through the act. “Okay, fine. Wanna drink together? I’m not going to drink alcohol, though.”

“Pssh. Little baby.” Elma poured uncarbonated soda into a cup and offered it to me with a smile.

Guess it’s time to keep this lonely little rabbit company for a while.

 

***

 

“Urgh…”

“You always get carried away and drink too much.”

About an hour after I tossed Serena into the medical pod, our lovely elf had also collapsed after taking too many shots. This time, it was Elma I carried into the med bay. Hopefully, Serena had sobered up and I could simply switch them out.

Serena was still dozing in the medical pod. Her vitals were clear, though, so I nudged her awake. She blinked, looking lost for an instant before she jolted upright…

“Gack?!”

…and smashed her head against the glass lid of the medical pod. Lieutenant Commander, I can’t help but notice that, despite you being completely sober, you’re still silly as heck. I helped her get the pod open. Clearly, she wasn’t going to manage it from the inside right now.

“Just get out. I’ve gotta put Elma in.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

Serena climbed out, rubbing her head, and I set Elma down in her place.

“Umm…?” She still looked confused.

“You drank too much and started spewing all your insecurities like a punctured can of compressed oxygen,” I said. “Then, you passed out, so I had to put you in that medical pod. And now here we are.”

Serena blushed, her gaze flitting away. “Erm, I’m very sorry.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with letting your hair down once in a while,” I said. “You seemed a little stressed, after all.”

I figured she would feel awkward. Imagine storming into someone’s ship and begging for attention with no regard to how much of a nuisance you were. Then you drink until you don’t even know who you are anymore, pass out, and wake up in a medical pod. Any sane person would be ashamed by a tempestuous blunder like that.

“Ngh…” Serena covered her face with both hands.

“This is the second time!” I pointed out.

“Urk!”

“You either need to be more careful with your drinking or have them put nanomachines in you to deal with your drunkenness. Either way, you can’t just get on a mercenary ship and get drunk off your ass. You could end up in a really dangerous situation, especially for a person with your status.”

I had to imagine that mind control existed in a universe this advanced. Someone could cut her tendons or toss her on a ship and drag her far away, wherever they liked. Hell, if I wanted to take her to the Belbellum Federation and sell her off, I could have. A young, beautiful noble would go for good money there.

“I regret my actions,” Serena mumbled. She slumped down, pouting. Perhaps it was just an act, but I couldn’t help thinking how adorable she looked like this. Remember, this is Lieutenant Commander Serena here. Fully sober Serena. Is she really that remorseful? Maybe, maybe not.

“Well, as long as you learn from it,” I said. “I mean, I’m not in much of a position to lecture someone like you, anyway.” I recovered Serena’s sword, which was leaning against the wall, and returned it to her. “You should probably get back to your ship. I don’t think either one of us wants people spreading crazy rumors.”

“I-Indeed. You’re right.” She accepted her sword and rose to her feet.

As for Mimi, I found her cleaning up when I returned to the cafeteria. Out of all of us, it was the youngest member of this ragtag bunch who actually showed the most self-control.

I saw Serena off, but she turned to me just before exiting the ship.

“Will we meet again?” she asked.

“If you keep hunting pirates, then yeah, I imagine we will,” I said. “They’re how I put food on the table. Besides, you owe me.” Maybe I was a bit of a hotshot when it came to slaughtering pirates, but I’d rather be that than a pirate sympathizer.

“Do I?” Serena said. “I suppose I do. Goodbye, then.”

“Yep. Later.”

Lieutenant Commander Serena left with a little smile. I sighed, shaking my head as I returned to the Krishna.

“Will we meet again? Really?” God, why’d she have to hit me with that kind of line while looking at me with those big puppy-dog eyes? What was I supposed to do?! She was way too much to handle, but I suspected fate would thrust us together again before long.