Chapter 1: The Problem Student of Kirsch Mage Institute

It was roughly before the storyline of the anime, Shuya Marionette. I found myself in a period I had little information on. Before me stood Kirsch Mage Institute, the stage for the anime. There, trees lavish with fresh green leaves surrounded the venerable school buildings built of stone. Only one thought was on my mind as I felt the cool early morning breeze brush up against my skin.

You pig! You pig! You utterly hopeless pig!

All I felt was anger and exasperation towards my past self, the blackhearted Piggy Duke. The cause of my anger? Figuring out exactly why I’d become so obese. Why had I acted in a way completely unbefitting of a nobleman, inviting the scorn of those around me?

This had all been intentional. All according to plan for that blackhearted Piggy Duke!

“Oink, huff, o-oink.” My snorting came out irregular, my breathing erratic.

Daryth was often referred to as the Country of Knights by its neighbors. Within Daryth, House Denning was one of its most powerful noble families, having been bestowed control over the country’s military force by the royal family itself. A person born to House Denning would never be allowed to marry a common retainer. And so my past self plotted to make everyone hate him and to sully the dignity of the House, which would lead to his family disowning him. I was appalled at my past self’s outrageous plan.

The whole point of this scheme was to run away with Charlotte after being disowned and live happily ever after. Of course, my past self’s dream would never come to fruition. I now knew very well that my beloved would be stolen away by that protagonist.

“O-Oink oink, huff, ugh. O-o-oink!” Sweat poured down my face in buckets as I jogged in the sports grounds, which were otherwise deserted in the early morning.

Ugh, my clothes are so sweaty, and I’m probably gonna trip over my feet at some point. This is pure torture! How little did the blackhearted Piggy Duk—I mean, me. Just how little did I exercise?! How did I even think I had a chance at Charlotte’s heart in such horrible shape?!

“Hey, look over there. The Piggy Duke’s jogging first thing in the morning...”

“The Piggy Duke? Jogging? In the morning? I haven’t seen him run a single time this past ye— Oh wow, you weren’t kidding, huh... He looks like an orc being roasted alive with how red he is...”

“Shush. What are you gonna do if he hears us? Don’t forget, even with that getup, he’s still from House Denning...”

Jeers and mockery filled the air as students heading from the dorms to the dining hall spotted me. But I kept on running, swinging my arms for all they were worth. This had been the goal of the blackhearted Piggy Duke’s persistent self-fattening, even among all the ridicule. I needed to be made fun of and looked down upon by my own countrymen.

Within the prestigious House Denning, I was heavily doted on by my father, the current Duke Denning. Not to brag, but my talents were indeed extraordinary. No one else within my long family history could measure up to me. Due to that, I received special tutelage for as long as I could remember, all in order to whip me into shape as the duke’s successor.

“Hey, is that you-know-who...?”

“I’d heard the rumors, but...I’ve never seen someone that fat...”

“Are you first-years? That student over there is the most infamous problem student in the history of Kirsch Mage Institute, Slowe Denning. If you want to live out your life here in peace, you should stay away from him...”

However, this all changed when I turned six.

I’d found an illegal slave market held in the woods on House Denning’s territory. There, mischievous wind spirits told me the sad truth of a young girl lined up on the altar. I learned that the malnourished girl before me was the princess of a destroyed kingdom. I found out about the tragic life that had reduced her to slavery. I saved that girl, Charlotte, whom I appointed as my personal retainer.

A few years later, I made a choice that I knew would change my life forever: become the blackhearted Piggy Duke.

“Ugh... That’s the Piggy Duke over there...”

I’d set it upon myself to transform from the brilliant Denning heir into a spoiled brat, leading an unhealthy lifestyle and demanding preposterous things. Boy, was I successful. I’d evolved into a vile piggy without a hitch. More like devolved, rather. For my past self, the Piggy Duke, life at the Mage Institute was the last linchpin in my plan.

“Oink, huff, oink, oi-oi-oink!” I panted as I ran on.

In the anime, everything had gone according to my former plans. My father claimed that I was an orphan picked up from the dungeon like a stray cat found on the side of the street and proceeded to kick me out of the family. Mission accomplished.

“Oink, oink, huff, oi-oi-oink!”

But did I want that for my future? Not a chance! I recalled the words of the anime’s main director at an event once.

The Piggy Duke was intelligent, strong, kindhearted, and sadly, too stubborn for his own good. From another perspective, the story of Shuya Marionette can be interpreted as his tragedy. The Piggy Duke had the power to accomplish everything by himself... And because of that, the protagonist took Charlotte away from him.

The greatest miscalculation the Piggy Duke made was the war with the North and the South. Charlotte was heavily involved in the war due to her association with the protagonist, and trying to conceal Charlotte’s identity amidst all of that was no easy feat. However, the Piggy Duke persisted, protecting his retainer from harm behind the scenes.

The absolute dunderhead in the anime had kept his feelings for Charlotte secret, trusting that secret to nobody. He stoically carried out every task all on his lonesome and intended to confess to her after the storm had passed. That piglet, who asked for no help and acted faithfully on his feelings for a single girl...was me.

“Oi-oink, huff, oi—huff—nk, o-oink.”

But I didn’t want to make those same mistakes twice. I didn’t want to live my life being misunderstood by everyone, only to be cast aside and left utterly alone.

Therefore, I had to thin down and become a proper reasonable human being.

My life was a disaster. Even though I was in the prime of my youth, living out my schooling days, I had no friends at the institute. The only one I could speak with was my retainer. I knew I was reaping the seeds I’d sown, but my pitiful state still practically brought tears to my eyes.

To start out, I wanted to improve my relationship with the other students of the institute and earn an enjoyable school life with Charlotte. I wanted to live with her as my true self, not as the blackhearted Piggy Duke weighed down by lies and deceit.

Earning back my place as the successor of Duke Denning, though, was a whole other mountain of work I didn’t want to face. I only wanted a humble life with Charlotte, which was more than enough for me. I pushed myself hard for the sake of realizing that wish, but...from all directions, I felt the sharp gazes of young noble girls drill into my skull. Their eyes conveyed their skepticism. I could hear them in my mind, mocking me. “Look, that piggy is still running!” “Him, thinning down? Impossible.”

Damn it! They’re driving me mad!

The anime Piggy Duke started out by making himself look the part of a completely hopeless person. They say to not judge a book by its cover, but looking like an orc certainly sold the spoiled-brat story better.

“Oooink! Huff, oink—aah!!!” Since I was in such deep thought as I ran, I failed to notice a rock buried on the track. I slipped and lost my balance, falling over in a heap onto the floor.

Ow... I think I cut my face. I must look so pathetic right now... Nobody would think I’m beloved by spirits, seeing me like this.

“Look there, y’all! That’s the legendary Denning piggy dance!”

“Hey, be quiet. He might hear you.”

“From this distance? I doubt it.”

Brushing off dirt and dust from my body, I stood up and glared at the chatty onlookers who’d been annoying me for a while now.

Are you trying to pick a fight with me? I can hear every single word! I have way more important things to do than to rise to the bait, though, so I’m purposefully choosing to let it go in one ear and out the other! That aside, though... I think that’s enough for today.

I finished swiping off the muck from all over my body, took out a black wand etched with the Denning crest, and gave it a light wave. A refreshing wind enveloped my body as all the grime disappeared, leaving me squeaky clean.

“The Piggy Duke only has his great skill in magic going for him, as usual... Wait, that direction he’s heading in, could he be...?”

“This is a rare sight. Who would have expected the spoiled, pampered Slowe Denning to head to the dining hall on his own two feet?”

A crowd of onlookers scrutinized me with morbid curiosity as I walked across the sports grounds. I just ignored their questioning gazes and marched towards the dining hall.

Slamming the dining hall doors open, I took a brief moment to survey my surroundings. Many students sat enjoying their breakfast at numerous rows of long dining tables. The clinking of cutlery rang out over the room as maids dressed in frilly pinafores bustled around with trays of breakfast in both hands, moving between the tightly packed rows of long tables.

Now where do I sit? I’m pretty big, so I want to avoid being in between two people... All right then, seems like the corner of a table near the exit would be a good spot. Grunting as I plopped down on the seat, I promptly realized a very dire problem. Oh no... I’m too big for the seat. I’m way too fat... I nearly laughed out loud at just how ridiculously plump I looked. I really am the Piggy Duke, huh. I really need to cut down my weight! I really hope this seat doesn’t give out under me... Can this thing really hang on?

As soon as I took a seat, a cute maid came over carrying breakfast. She was clearly tense and nervous, and her trembling hands dripped with sweat. She probably couldn’t believe that I was in the dining hall. Usually my meals were delivered straight to my room.

“G-G-Good morning! M-M-May I leave your food over here?”

“Please leave it here,” I said with a vague gesture. “Yes, right there. Thanks.”

“Huh...? U-Uh... O-Okay!” Her face was red as a tomato as she scurried off. Other maids ran over to her one after another, whispering to her. They were probably asking whether she was okay or if I’d bullied her. I sighed heavily.

Another day of life-shattering revelations, huh. Revelation of the day: the maids fear me too...

I stuffed my face at lightning speed. Eating among my peers wasn’t a bad experience at all. Hearing the many conversations going on around me made me feel like I was one of them, like I also had someone to chat with.

Of course, I didn’t actually have any friends.

“Hm?” I paused, staring down at my plate. “My plate’s empty. Wait, what?” Huh? Hold on a minute, isn’t this way too little?

I’d cleaned my plate in the blink of an eye. Did someone do this out of spite? It didn’t even taste that great. Could this even satisfy anyone? I looked around, gauging everyone’s reactions. But the moment their eyes met mine they either averted their gazes or halted their conversations, walking off with friends to put away their plates.

Wh-What? Why are they acting like this? I felt a pang in my heart at their reactions. Is this what they call bullying? Am I being bullied?

“Lord Slowe, if it would be to your liking, please have this.” A tray of breakfast appeared before me.

Hm? What’s this? I looked up in question.

Before me stood a young man with beautiful blond hair. His light blue eyes shone under the light like a pair of sapphires. He smiled gently, almost like a maiden. Great, a pretty boy. I didn’t like pretty boys very much. Who was he again? I tried to put a name to his face. He was in the same cohort as me...

Ah, I know. The eldest son of Earl Greatlorde, if I remember right! He was a minor character who never appeared in the anime.

“My name is Valjean Greatlorde. I am the heir of Earl Greatlorde, who governs the northeast region of Daryth,” the young man began politely. “Though our territory may not be as vast as Duke Denning’s, I believe my family holds quite the reputation within this institute. It is a pleasure to meet you, Lord Slowe.”

Having someone greet me so politely in the morning wasn’t bad at all. However, just as Valjean finished speaking, I heard someone click their tongue as conversations died across the hall. Everyone in the room stared intensely at the two of us, exchanging hushed whispers between themselves. I could understand their reactions. Nobody had had the gall to speak to me in a public space before. Which raised some questions... Why did this guy start talking to me all of a sudden? What does he want from me?

“So, uh...” I trailed off in thought. “You’re offering to give me your breakfast?”

“Yes,” Valjean said with a nod. “I spotted you jogging this morning before heading this way. I was concerned that a single serving might not be enough for you, and that concern led me here. Please enjoy it in my stead.”

“Oh, really...? That’s quite considerate of you. I guess you earls know your manners, huh, er...” I paused. “What was your name again?”

“My name is Valjean Greatlorde,” the young man repeated.

“I appreciate your considerate gesture. It’s quite touching.”

“A-Are you saying that you will accept this offering, Lord Slowe?” Valjean did not hide the joy in his voice.

“...”

A single portion definitely wouldn’t be enough to satisfy my stomach.

I’m really, really tempted! If this were a boxing match between me and my hunger, those words would be an instant KO to me! But no, I have to resist! I swore that I would cut down on food and slim down! Don’t forget that!

I looked up, channeling the sternness of a Duke’s son. In a serious tone, I rejected the pretty boy who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

“Sorry, Valjean,” I began. “My portion is enough for me. If I accepted yours, you’d have nothing to eat, right? So I can’t accept— Uh— Wha—!”

Something felt off beneath my buttocks. In fact, I didn’t feel anything there at all.

“Uwaaa! Wha—!”

The chair had tried its best, but my weight had been too much for it. The chair legs folded and snapped loudly in surrender, and I plummeted towards the cold floor. A hushed silence fell over the dining hall. Then, just as quickly as it went silent, the room echoed with roaring laughter.

“Ha ha! Did you see that? That’s Denning for you! The Piggy Duke of House Denning! I’m so glad I woke up early for breakfast today!”

“Hey, don’t laugh at him! Pfft! If he turns on you, you’re in for a lot of trouble... Ahaha!”

Damn it! Don’t laugh at me! It wasn’t my fault! That chair was not up to standard!

My breathing quickened. I slowly clambered back to my feet and glared daggers at the spectators. Silence engulfed the dining hall, the other students no doubt sensing the threat of a painful spell aimed at the next person who dared to laugh.

“U-Um...” Valjean spoke up. “Lord Slowe, are you certain you do not need this breakfast?”

“Shut up. Can’t you tell by looking at me? I am quite full, thank you very much,” I snapped. “Don’t ever offer me something ridiculous like your breakfast again. You hear me, pretty boy?”

“‘P-Pretty boy’?”

“Yes, you, pretty boy! Take it away already! I want it out of my sight right this instant. It’s such an eyesore!”

“Are you sure? Please do not force yourself. Are you not hungry?”

“Who do you think you’re talking to? Me, forcing myself? Hmph. Listen here, buddy. People often assume that I eat a lot because of my looks, but surprise! I have a small appetite,” I ranted. “Do I make myself clear? Repeat after me.”

“Y-You have a small appetite!”

“Exactly,” I replied. “Drill that fact into your skull. I’ll see you around.”

Unfortunately, Murphy’s Law decided to kick in just then. Just as I left the dining hall, my stomach shamelessly protested with a loud rumble. I could hear the sudden laughing fits from students through the door.

With my face flushed red like an orc in heat, I sprinted towards my dorm.

“...As all of you know, the love of the spirits is the most vital aspect of practicing magic,” Professor Arle lectured in a soothing voice from the teacher’s podium. “If you read through the latest research papers published by the Magic Academy in recent years, you’d know of an interesting theory. This theory states that fire spirits are partial to passionate blood, water spirits to kind blood, earth spirits to earnest blood, and wind spirits to intelligent blood.”

Professor Arle’s voice was so soothing, in fact, that she was famous among the students for putting her class to sleep. Case in point, half of the students in the classroom dozed in their seats.

“They say that spirits take a liking to sophisticated noble blood, which has been passed down through generations. Those of you of common birth need not worry, though. Many commoners graduate from Kirsch Mage Institute having managed to manifest and grasp the use of their magic during schooling days.”

If I’d heard these statements about “magic” and “spirits” in my previous life, I would have questioned what fantasy world the speaker was talking about and moved on.

I listened to Professor Arle from the top row of the lecture hall. The row was completely empty except for me, as if I’d booked all the seats. I wasn’t against people sitting next to me, but nobody was willing to approach my row or even my general vicinity. They really don’t have to be so cautious of me. I had a complete change of heart, after all.

“An effective method of strengthening your magic output is to embed items that appeal to the spirits into your wand. A good example is Duke Denning, who is highly regarded as a mage. He is said to have crushed an entire ether fruit, embedding it into his staff to appeal to the wind spirits.” From her spot at the podium, Professor Arle occasionally glanced over at me, like some other students did. She probably perceived me as a dangerous, feral piggy dungeon boss or something.

“Kirsch Mage Institute has produced many notable individuals in its long history. All of you students here should follow their example and study hard. That concludes the lecture for Magic Studies today.”

Nodding at Professor Arle’s words, I watched students shuffle out of the room.

I concluded from my findings today that I had no friends. Well, it didn’t take much detective work to notice that everyone avoided me. I could understand them, honestly. A normal person wouldn’t want to be friends with a Piggy Duke like me. But I wanted to shout to the world that I had changed. That I was a different man now. But if I did such a thing, everyone would think I’d gone mad. Though I had not been behaving badly as of late, people would not soon forget my notorious reputation.

After all the students had left the room, I stood up.

“Mister Denning,” Professor Arle addressed me from her podium as she prepared for the next lecture. “You were brilliant out there today. I never thought you would be so knowledgeable about the Ancient Demon Lord, who is generally agreed to be the creator of our magic.”

Professor Arle’s smooth brown hair extended to her waist, and she wore a black robe that didn’t show much of her figure. Before taking up the post of Magic Studies professor at this institute, she had worked as a researcher in the Magic Academy for a few years. Her round glasses gave her a scholarly feel that belied her youthful face. Students criticized her classes as boring since she followed the textbook to a T. In my eyes, she merely focused on the fundamentals.

“The Ancient Demon Lord is a legend in Minerva, the Country of Sorcery,” I recited. “Which is one nation among the Great Four of the South. Those countries formed the Great Southern Alliance to fend off the Dustour Empire, ruler of the northern part of the continent. Not only was the Demon Lord a legend in such an important country, they were also the founder of our magic. It’s only natural that I know about that period of history.”

“Oh? I was surprised to find you awake throughout the whole lecture, and now this... Mister Denning, you seem to have your wits about you today. It is most unlike you.” Having said that, Professor Arle changed the subject. “Ah, speaking of which, I hear that you started working on losing weight.”

“I realized that I was a little too heavy for my own good... Oh.” I paused before walking up to Professor Arle with heavy footsteps. “Please hold still for a moment, Professor.”

Professor Arle shrunk into herself as I approached her, frozen like a deer caught in the glare of a wild boar.

Sorry, Professor. The Piggy Duke standing right in front of you must be terrifying, but...I can’t ignore what I see.

“Don’t play tricks on the professor. That’s no good,” I said. A prankster wind spirit flew away from the professor and sped out the window. Had I left it to its own devices, it definitely would have stirred up trouble. Sending out a strong gust of wind as the professor carried a stack of papers down the hallway, blowing the hem of her robe around to see her panic... The possibilities were endless. Wind spirits were the most mischievous of the Six Great Spirits, after all.

“Wh-What?”

“That’s all, Professor. I’ll be going now,” I said. I nodded slightly to Professor Arle, who had confusion written all over her face, and proceeded to head out of the classroom.

Spirits were mystical beings that normal humans could not see. If I told someone that I could see them, I’d never hear the end of it. They’d probably call me the next big legend or something. The Magic Academy might even force me to become a test subject for unsavory magic research. A shiver of dread went down my spine at the thought. I don’t want that! Must avoid that future at all costs!

I instead turned my thoughts towards my next class, Melee Combat, which I dreaded.

I’m the Piggy Duke, though. I could try asking for permission to run around the sports grounds. Professor Arle doesn’t seem like one to gossip, but even she had heard about me trying to cut down my weight. Surely the Melee Combat professor would give me permission without too much hassle.

I came from House Denning, and I intended to make full use of that fact. If borrowing the power of my family name would help quicken my weight loss, I would use it with no qualms whatsoever.

Melee Combat was a fancy way of saying one-on-one brawls. In the past, I spent these lessons being a nuisance and getting in the way of everyone. Surely the professor would cry tears of joy if I asked to run around in the sports grounds instead.

All righty! I gotta thin down as soon as possible and turn into a lean, muscular guy!

●

“I still can’t believe my eyes... Master Slowe answered the professor’s questions so easily...!”

A girl with silver waist-length hair, which glowed under the light, sat down on the ground in shock. Her mouth hung agape in surprise.

“Not only that, but he didn’t nod off in class at all! Everyone falls asleep at some point in Magic Studies class, yet Master Slowe was the only one who stayed up the whole time... Am I dreaming?” Charlotte pinched her cheeks. “Ow... That hurts.”

Charlotte had spied on the classroom from outside the glass windows during the entire Magic Studies class period. Her mission was to observe the social patterns of the orc— Ahem. Her mission was to observe her master’s attitude in class.

“He even said that he’d start jogging every morning from now on to slim down... What on earth happened to Master Slowe? Did he eat something weird? I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised, since Master Slowe seems to eat everything, but...”

It was a well-known fact that Slowe was a problem student in the institute. He scored well in tests but had a terrible attitude in class. He was so problematic, in fact, that his teachers even stated they preferred him asleep than awake. Professor Arle was a pretty calm teacher, but even she had trouble with him. Whenever she asked Slowe to answer a question, he would reply with one nonsensical phrase after the next. Some of his classics were “The sky is nice” or “Tart apple.”

However, this wasn’t the case today. He answered questions that all other students could not without batting an eye, causing everyone to stare at him in disbelief. Charlotte, who was secretly spying on the classroom from outside, was no exception. “This is a big ‘if,’ but... If Master Slowe really wants to turn things around, then I have to help him. Plus, if he slimmed down, my reputation as his retainer might improve, and my pay might too...”

Coming to a decision, the lovely maiden balled her hands into fists with conviction and quickly left the area.

●

A few days had passed since I started working on losing weight.

Every single day was hell, to put it mildly. I had to persevere if I wanted to turn this fat body into a lean, muscular one. No matter how much people mocked me along the way, I kept pushing myself to my limits to lose weight. Though as they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Even during these tortuous days, I could still find joy.

Remember that pretty boy Valjean Greatlorde? It can’t be helped if you forgot about him, since he didn’t even appear in the anime. The guy who tried to offer me his breakfast? Yeah, that guy.

Ever since the day I woke up with full knowledge of the anime, I stopped having breakfast delivered to my room and started going to the dining hall every morning. But that didn’t mean I was all alone in the crowd. The rascal who offered me his breakfast as charity that one time started talking to me every morning! He even kept offering me his food!

Our conversations spanned a bunch of different topics, from mundane things like classwork and gossip from the school’s rumor mill to him showering me with flattery and praise. I was a little suspicious about why he sucked up to me so much, but since I had no friends, it was a fun, new experience for me anyway.

I could go as far as saying that we might be friends already. It’s probably pretty obvious that I’ve turned over a new leaf!

And then the day I had been waiting for finally came: the day I’d get to go to Practical Magic. It was a hands-on course rather than a theory-based class spent sitting at desks all day. There was no class better to make some friends in. I tramped towards the training field set up for spell practice.

“The Piggy Duke is always so noisy when he runs...”

“Oh, it’s just the Piggy Duke, phew... For a second there, I thought an orc king had come to attack the institute.”

The wide, manicured lawn was a disaster. The grass was singed in many places, and puddles of water and deep craters littered the field. Situated away from the school’s central campus where the classroom buildings and dorms were, the Practical Magic training field was meant to keep the damage caused by errant spells to a minimum. The spells of the average student weren’t too much to worry about, but sometimes the magic would go berserk and trigger a bizarre reaction.

“Heh heh heh, my stomach’s rumbling with—I mean, my hands are trembling in excitement.”

I loved Practical Magic class, truth be told.

Nobody in this school is better at magic than me, not even the third-year upperclassmen. I am unmatched in Practical Magic, he he. Oink.

“Awright kiddos, get over here,” the teacher called, his gruff voice stretching out in a drawl. “C’mon, hustle right on over here. Put some effort into it!”

I headed over to where the teacher in charge of Practical Magic stood. He wore a neatly pressed black shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his insanely muscular biceps. His muscular physique showed even through his clothes. Even among his unusual appearance for a teacher, there was one aspect that stood out. That is to say...

What’s with that wild, untamed mane of black hair? Are you kidding me?!

Professor Loco Moco seemed to be enjoying himself more than the students despite the fact that he was the teacher.

“Class is startin’ now. Over here, kiddos. Better get here by the count of three!”

His looks are a bit deceiving, though.

Students from noble upbringing carelessly shot off spells to relieve stress in this class. Because of this, the teacher needed to be highly skilled and able to react quickly in the event of an accident. Fortunately, Professor Loco Moco fit that job description to a tee. But Professor Loco Moco was originally an elite knight in the Order, so his skills came as no surprise. The headmaster himself approached the professor directly to convince him to teach at the school.

The Order of Royal Knights was founded to protect the royal family of Daryth. All of the members of the Order were extraordinary mages in their own right. Nobles envied the signature white cape which signified their station, permitted only to those Knights in the Order.

“Awright, kiddos, everyone is present an’ accounted for, yeah?”

“Professor, not everyone is present an’ accounted for,” a student echoed back, mimicking his drawl.

“The ones still missin’ are probably playin’ hooky, so I’m gonna start without ’em.”

Usually in Practical Magic class, Professor Loco Moco would have the students cast various spells, and then make suggestions for improvement. It wasn’t unusual for a student or two to end up with some minor injuries by the end of the class.

“Today, I want y’all to pair up an’ critique your partner’s spellcastin’. After that, y’all need to write a report about the pointers you get from your partner, han’ it in, an’ work on improvin’ those points by next week. Got it?”

Is he doing this on purpose?!

Stunned by this turn of events, I turned to watch as everyone else paired up. Some couples took this chance to get together within the crowd and started acting all gross and lovey-dovey with each other. I could only stand there trembling, rooted to the spot. Of course I was the odd one out. Are you trying to single me out? There’s no way anyone would pair with me! I’m the most hated person in this school! I’m almost impressed at how cruel you’re being, Professor Loco Moco!

“Wait. Actually...” I muttered. Pairs... Casting spells with each other... Partners... Isn’t this the chance I’ve been waiting for to make some friends? I’m an expert on magic. I can help them every step of the way, no sweat. Let’s see who still needs a partner.

But no one needed a partner.

Huh? Everyone’s already paired up? Wow. Okay, I guess I’ll just...go cast magic by myself then... Is there really nobody who will group up with me? I mean...yeah, can’t forget that I have no friends and that I’m the school’s number one problem child...

Disheartened, I aimlessly wandered around the training field until I noticed an odd group. They stood around waving their wands and doing not much else, even though it was Practical Magic class.

“Ah... They’re probably commoners,” I muttered aloud. That is, they were probably students of common blood and couldn’t use magic, which is why they were all huddled together at the corner of the field. I didn’t recognize them, so they were most likely first-years. They were probably trying desperately to force a spell, but they might as well have been waving toys around for all the good it did. They all looked so miserable that dark clouds basically hung over them.

“That’s—” I recognized a familiar face among them.

There had been a commoner who wedged her way into the protagonist’s harem in the anime. She took every chance she could to woo the protagonist, and she stirred up all sorts of chaos in the harem. There was a mastermind pulling her strings, one who taught her all kinds of lewd things and different ways into a man’s heart.

The name of that mastermind was...

“—Tina.”

Tina was a popular side character in the anime. There had even been a significant number of viewers who declared, “Enough of the protagonist’s harem, give more screen time to Her Majesty, the Demon Queen of Porn Mags!” I personally liked her a lot too, enough to give her my rapt attention whenever she was on screen.

She was a slim, healthy-looking girl, and she kept her long, silky black hair tied back. People called her the “Demon Queen of Porn Mags” because she didn’t bother hiding her assets. Even through her clothing, you could tell she had a well-endowed chest. I could attest to that, seeing her large breasts strain against her uniform with my own two eyes.

“Um, excuse me. You’re Lord Denning, right?” Tina spoke up. “What do you want with us?”

It might have been inappropriate to think it, but she just oozed sex appeal—something Charlotte did not have. On the surface she looked like an earnest student, but in reality she had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the birds and the bees.

In the anime, Tina had been a very shrewd girl who earned a fortune by popularizing porn mags in the school, which she claimed were the pinnacle of commoner culture. A large majority of noble students led a sheltered life with little in the way of entertainment. She had seized the chance to earn some big bucks. All it took was one look at the cover of an adult magazine and those chumps would fork over their money, she’d claimed. The viewers had been floored by this fearless girl’s bold scheme.

Two-Faced Tina had put away her wand and now stared at me.

“Could it be that you don’t have a partner?” she asked. “None of us are very good at magic, though. Sorry...”

“...That’s not it. I mean, uh, like you said, I have nobody to pair up with,” I admitted.

“Oh, so you’re not denying it?”

“You’re not wrong...” I replied. “That aside, you guys are first-years, right? Would you like some advice? You seemed to be struggling a little bit.”

They were commoners, so advice itself wasn’t enough to make them use magic with ease just like that, so I offered more on a whim. I wanted to speak to the popular anime side character, so it wasn’t like I didn’t have an ulterior motive.

“Oh really?! Yes, please! Honestly, we were all a bit lost!” Tina replied gratefully.

“Tina!” one of her classmates hissed. “The P-Piggy... Ah, I mean, this gentleman is from House Denning! He is way too far above our station for us to ask for advice...” All the other first-years went rigid. Tina, on the other hand, bowed in gratitude. As she leaned forward, she distracted me for a brief moment with the soft, supple curves of her cleavage.

I froze. Th-The Demon Queen of Porn Mags is no joke. I never thought I’d accidentally run into th-this kind of fan service here. H-Her Majesty is terrifying, oink!

Unlike Tina, however, the other commoners were scared stiff and quiet. I could almost see the figurative wall between nobles and commoners, looking at them. I suppose it’s only natural. House Denning is the most powerful noble house in Daryth.

Despite all that, Tina stepped towards me and looked me in the eyes.

“It’s totally fine,” I insisted. “I might be a Denning, but I’ve turned over a new leaf.”

“Huh?” Tina asked, confused. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Now, about that advice. It’s very simple. You just need to have a good visualization, that’s all.” I answered. “The clearer you can visualize the spell in your head, the higher your chances of success.”

“Visualization?” Tina echoed. “That’s no different from what Professor Loco Moco said, though.”

“No, it’s very different.” I began. “Imagine the heat of flames. The chill of ice. The gentleness of wind. The roughness of the earth. From what I can tell, none of you here are able to visualize these things clearly in your head. How many of you here attend Professor Arle’s Magic Studies class?”

Everyone in the group raised their hands.

“Spirits aren’t interested in commoner blood. Remember this from the first lesson you attended? Because of that, it’s very difficult for commoners to use magic.”

“That’s really unfair...” Tina mumbled after a moment, glaring over my shoulder at the eager noble students in the training field. “Just because you’re a noble, you can easily use magic. Just because we’re commoners, we can’t. It’s so unfair, especially unfair in your case, milord. You were born into House Denning...”

One student fired a ball of flames across the sky, while another summoned a sphere of water at their fingertips. None of the noble students struggled using their magic.

“About that,” I said. “You should stop focusing on the nobles so much. If you really can’t ignore them, it might be best just to let it all out. Don’t bottle up your emotions. You need to convey your feelings to the spirits in your own unique way. They’d be more interested in you if you did. I’ll just put this out there too, but House Denning is probably the most prestigious in terms of magic skill.”

“The most prestigious... That’s right, the Dennings are powerful nobles...” Tina groaned in frustration. The commoners took a few steps back silently. If they’d forgotten about my status before, they definitely remembered it now. Tina, however, kept staring me straight in the eye.

Okay, who do I wanna talk to next?

Scanning for my next target, I glanced around a handful of times when a voice behind me grabbed my attention. It was a loud voice. A voice I disliked, one dripping with disdain. It sounded like a fight had broken out among some of the nobles, not an unusual sight during Practical Magic.

Magic was a measurement of power among the nobility of Daryth. Between hot-blooded youngsters, even the tiniest difference in magic skill was bound to escalate into conflict.

“Well, well, well. You must have super thick skin to suck up to the Piggy Duke every day, considering how much you roasted him behind his back! Are you listening, Valjean?! Have you got nothing to say?!”

That bombshell hit me right in the gut.

Th-That bastard! So all those times you ate breakfast with me... All those times you helped me up when I broke a chair... It was all just to suck up to me?!

I narrowed my eyes, trying to read Valjean’s expression. If you have any response to that, say it! I’m listening! But Valjean only lowered his head, his face burning red as he gripped his wand with a trembling hand. I’m the one hurt by your actions here! I trusted you, and yet...! You’re causing more hurt than hearing this guy badmouth me!

“I hear you’ve been tight on money lately. I bet you planned on sucking up to Denning and asking him to lend you money, didn’t you?” the boy jeered. “Now that I get a better look, your wand looks like the cheap one commoners use!”

“How dare you!” Valjean snapped back, casting his gaze between the boys surrounding him. “If this wand is so cheap, then what’s your excuse for being so much worse at magic than me even with me using it?”

“What did you just say?! You wanna fight, you penniless brat?!”

Everyone watched the fight unfold with bated breath.

“Don’t you think you picked the wrong person to suck up to, Valjean? Talking about the Piggy Duke is taboo even within House Denning. I hear that his own family cast him aside! Sucking up to him just makes you two pitiful losers trying to comfort each other!”

Ah. Yeah. That’s very true. It wasn’t just my family who gave up on me; the two knights who had served me since childhood left my side too. Even the people of my family’s territory talked about me in hushed whispers when I was brought up.

Valjean looked my way, his eyes wide and pleading. It was painful to watch him squirm like that, but I decided to be honest with him anyway. “They’re right. You shouldn’t have picked me to suck up to.”

“Ha ha ha! Looks like you’ve been cast aside by Denning too, Valjean!”

“Shut up! This has nothing to do with you!” Valjean shouted at the bully. “You want to call my wand cheap?! I’ll show you cheap! I’m way better at magic with a cheaply made wand than any of you with your expensive custom ones!” Valjean waved his wand in a wide arc. Wind spirits responded to Valjean’s anger first, and it wasn’t long before various other spirits began to follow suit.

“O spirits of wind and fire! Answer my call!”

Color drained from my face as I realized what Valjean was doing. Amused by his desperation, water spirits, earth spirits, even darkness spirits had answered his summons and gathered around him. Wait a minute! I thought desperately. Don’t lend your powers to Valjean in the state he’s in!

Seeing that they’d all but turned Valjean into a ticking time bomb, the boys tormenting him began to edge away slowly.

“Cool it, Valjean! It was just a joke!”

“Professor, over there! Valjean’s lost it!”

From across the field, Professor Loco Moco waved his wand towards Valjean, raising his voice in an attempt to cancel out Valjean’s spell with his own earth magic.

It’s no good, I realized. He’s not going to make it from all the way over there.

“Hey, now! Chill out, you penniless brat!”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don’t call me penniless! My family is a generations-old, prestigious earl household! Your family standing doesn’t even come close to mine!”

The spirits crowded around Valjean, gleefully preparing to unleash their magic. Seriously, spirits are so troublesome! I thought, panicking. With enough of them, even Valjean can cast a powerful spell! He’s too worked up to have any sort of control over his magic right now!

“Blood of Greatlorde, blessed with the fertility of the earth, weave a scalding wind that roars to the heavens!” Valjean chanted with bloodlust in his eyes. “O tameless wind, writhe with flames searing from your very core! Blazing Tornado!” Valjean was deaf to the pleading voices of the students around him.

This is bad. He’s really going to lose it! Ugh, the professor’s spell won’t make it, darn it! I guess it can’t be helped! I acted quickly, hoping I wasn’t too late.

“Awright, spirits, listen up!” I could hear the professor’s chanting as I moved to intervene. “Sand and earth, rise and form a wall of stone. Stonewall!”

Before all of our eyes, the earth rose in response to the professor’s call and solidified into an imposing wall. The wall was bigger and thicker the closer it got to Valjean, creating a barrier between his uncontrollable magic and the rest of the shocked students.

But then nothing happened. The myriad spirits once gathered around Valjean scattered to the wind. No tornado, blazing or otherwise, appeared from behind the professor’s wall.

After a long moment of silence, Professor Loco Moco relaxed his stance. “Musta been a dud, then. Don’t be scared, kiddos. Everythin’ is fine.” He cast his voice out over the class, booming like a megaphone as he amplified it with magic. “Class is over. That’s it for today, so skedaddle on outta here. No homework either.” With another wave of his wand, the wall of earth crumbled to dust and returned to the ground.

Just then, I heard the thud of something—or someone—hitting the ground. I looked over and saw Valjean had collapsed to the ground. The spirits must not have returned the mana he had given them. He was probably suffering from mana exhaustion. He’d be miserable for a while, if that was the case.

“I guess we should have expected that,” one of the bullies muttered. “Even if Valjean’s good at magic, there’s no way he’d be able to cast an advanced spell like that.”

The people who had mocked Valjean started muttering amongst themselves again, now that the threat had passed. “Hey, look,” one of the students called. “The Piggy Duke’s heading over to Valjean. What’s he doing?”

They’re so annoying. It’s not like I’m going to do anything. I’m just worried about him, so I’m going to check on him, that’s all. I’m not bothered by what I heard earlier. Not at all, I swear.

And then I slipped. It wasn’t on purpose, really. It resulted in an accidental body slam as my body fell flat on top of Valjean’s. “O-Oink!” I cried in surprise.

Valjean let loose an inhuman wail and twitched like a fish out of water.

“The Piggy Duke finished Valjean off...” said one student.

“Valjean will probably be the next target of his bullying...” chimed another. “Remember that guy who went berserk in class before? The Piggy Duke picked on him relentlessly after that. We should probably stop associating with Valjean... I don’t want the Piggy Duke to set his sights on me next.”

Seeing their fearful gazes lingering on me, I put on the most menacing glare I could muster, daring anyone to say anything against me. Just like that time in the cafeteria.

Just you wait, Valjean, I thought bitterly. If you pretend we’re strangers tomorrow and start playing dumb, I...I...I’ll cry! Hmm, should I body slam him again just to drive that point home? As I debated whether or not I should tackle Valjean a second time, Professor Loco Moco’s voice rang out once again.

“Listen up, y’all. Make sure you learn somethin’ from this. Nothin’ good will come of it if you let your emotions do your thinkin’ for you.”

I didn’t want to get in trouble since I wasn’t directly involved, so it was time to hightail it out of there. I definitely learned a valuable lesson today, at the very least. Making friends now wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows.

●

“He’s a freaking noble, how could he have lost it like that?!” a girl shouted to herself. “Class ended early thanks to that idiot! Idiots, the lot of them! We commoners don’t matter to them at all, huh?! That idiot noble! Able to use magic since childhood and he still lost control!”

Hidden away by the overgrown weeds, the girl had made herself a secret training spot behind a deserted research building. That was where Tina found herself now. “Ugh! What do I even do?!” she groaned. “I’m not getting any better, darn it all!”

As the daughter of an innkeeper, Tina helped out the family business however she could. She saved up money to pay the enrollment fee, and studied hard as she balanced it with her busy work life. All of her hard work paid off, and she managed to safely pass the entry exam for Kirsch Mage Institute. Once there, she persevered in that school which catered to noble students, despite being a commoner. She had one reason and one reason alone for all of this struggle, and that was to use magic.

“Come on, magic spell! Work for me already! Work, work, work!”

She was in for a rude awakening once she entered the school. Most of the upperclassmen of common birth had given up on learning magic. Tina realized the bitter truth, watching as one commoner after the other dropped most of their magic classes by their second year. Magic belonged to the nobility, and spirits did not obey commoners.

“What a load of crap!” she snapped aloud, thinking of all the times she’d been told that same thing over and over again. “I know that already! Do they think us stupid just because we’re commoners?!”

Her jealousy of the nobles always lurked in a corner of her heart. It wasn’t just her, either; all of the commoners in the school envied them for their ability to use magic. But now, I’m going to let it all out. He told me that embracing my envy instead of keeping it bottled up is the first step.

The noble who gave her this advice was from House Denning. Even if he was ridiculed as a deadweight pig, Tina knew that he was basically a magic prodigy.

“They don’t realize just how hard I’ve worked!” Tina kicked repeatedly at the grass. “Waking up early every morning, waving my wand meaninglessly a million times!”

She’d let her mask of an earnest, responsible student slip, but nobody was around to see it. Normally, this was a side of her that she would never show to anyone, much less the nobles or the guys at the school.

“Screw them! They better not mess with me! Just how hard do they think I’m trying?! Just once, I’d like to succeed! Let my hard work bear fruit! ‘Just marry a rich man,’ they said. Don’t make me laugh! I worked hard to get into this school because I want to use magic, not to become a gold digger to one of those nitwit nobles!”

Her parents had told her before to use her assets to seduce a noble man. It wasn’t unheard of for a noble student to fall in love with a commoner attending the school. Her parents had hoped she would be one of those cases.

“I devoured every book on magic that I could get my hands on so that I could use it. But I can understand why my predecessors stopped taking magic classes! It’s because they’re nothing but scams that teach you nothing besides the fact that privileged blood and ancestry equal good magic! That guy told me that comparing myself to the nobles too much is bad for me, but I just can’t help it! They can all use magic!”

After Practical Magic class had ended, her friends and upperclassmen told her to take the Piggy Duke’s words with a grain of salt. He was the good-for-nothing failure who had fallen from grace, after all.

But she took his words to heart, for they really did seem genuine to her.

“He didn’t have to tell me that! I’ve heard it all so many times that I can recite every word in my sleep!” She ranted on in frustration. “‘Spirits don’t lend their powers to commoners.’ I know that already! These so-called ‘spirits’ are the same as the girls who only go after handsome men or the ‘great’ nobles! These spirits are such a sham too! They’re not that different from us. They’re all so dang shallow!”

Many commoners enrolled in the Kirsch Mage Institute with dreams of using magic. Such miracles only happened once in a blue moon, and over time the number of commoners attending magic classes dwindled.

“Yeah, I have nothing but envy towards them! So what? Just because they’re of noble birth, they can do magic? That’s so unfair! ‘Spirits like sophisticated blood.’ Screw that! Don’t look down on my commoner blood!”

That had been the first time she spoke with a noble student since she came to Kirsch Mage Institute. It couldn’t have been a coincidence. Even if those words came from that good-for-nothing upperclassman, Tina decided to take them at face value.

“Don’t bottle up your emotions. You need to convey your feelings to the spirits in your own unique way.”

Thinking back on his words, Tina spoke her truth aloud. “I admit it. I am an envious person... But that’s the real me. Only idiots come to this school aiming to marry into riches. Are you listening, spirits? Here I am. I’m a terrible person, aren’t I? But this is who I really am.”

Tina continued to kick at the overgrown grass as she brandished her wand. In her mind, she envisioned dirt rising from the ground to form a doll of mud. “Just work already! I came to this school because I want to use magic! I didn’t come here to flirt with stupid nobles!” She beat at the air over and over again with the wand she had so diligently saved for until it was torn and tattered. It didn’t matter to her. Nothing mattered except getting this spell to work.

“Come on, magic! Magic, now! Create Golem! Create a golem, I said!”

Then, a miracle happened before Tina’s eyes. A fist-sized clump of dirt floated up from the ground, hovered for a moment, then fell. Nothing more. “Did that just happen...?” Tina gaped.

It wasn’t anything close to a proper Create Golem spell. It was an utter failure compared to what she’d been going for. To her, however, it was the best result she could possibly hope for. She felt like a stranded traveler stumbling upon an oasis in the desert.

“I-I did it... No way. I really did it...!”

The earth spirits knew. They could see how diligent she was and how passionately she swung her wand. It was true that commoners came to Kirsch for magic, but very few had as strong of a will as Tina did. Calling her a closeted pervert was a considerable understatement, but that only added to her charm. Even if she put on an act in front of others, it didn’t change the earnestness at her core.

Watching her like this, the earth spirits just might have started taking a liking to this girl.

“I-It really worked... Amazing... Wow.” Tina’s shaking knees gave out under her and she sank down to the ground. “That means... I’m a genius. I’m a super genius...”

She couldn’t help but react that way. It was extraordinarily rare for commoners to have any results from spells at all, let alone in such a short span of time.

Before she could fully process her achievement, a voice burst out from behind her...

“...Oink!”

Dreading what she might possibly see, Tina turned around towards the noise, not moving from her spot on the ground.

Please be a trick of the wind. Please let there be no one there.

“Ah, oops. You saw me... But, uh, I, um... I didn’t see anything, so... I totally didn’t realize you put on an act in front of other people. Or that you actually have a pretty smart mouth, for that matter.” Tina had no response for that. The boy continued. “Yeah, so...never mind.” The boy dashed off, his snorts receding as he went. Tina could only stare as the silhouette of the Piggy Duke gradually shrunk, until he disappeared from view as he rounded the corner of the research building.

Was that a trick of the light, or had he been smiling?

“It definitely wasn’t a trick of the light! Wait, was he watching me the entire time?! No way! Oh no! Is my life over now? It had to be a stupid ‘great’ noble who saw me, of all people!”

Under the light of the warm spring sun, her face flushed red in embarrassment.

●

The next morning.

I was scarfing down breakfast on the big chair I had asked the maids to prepare, when a shadow fell over me. Who could possibly want to bother me right now? I thought.

“Good morning.”

“Hm?” I paused in my eating to look up, and saw a familiar face. “...Oh. It’s you.”

Before me was the pretty boy who’d gone off the deep end with his magic. His blond hair didn’t have its usual shine to it, and his pretty face was sunken and haggard. Valjean sighed as he sank into the chair across from me.

Hey, I’m the one who wants to sigh, you jerk. “You look terrible, Valjean,” I said to him, breaking the silence that hung between us. “You didn’t get any sleep, did you?”

“Good catch... I spent all night moving my stuff to the first floor.”

“The first floor?” I echoed.

“The first floor of the dorms, yes,” he repeated. “The headmaster said that it would be considerably cheaper for me, so I moved from the third floor.”

I was stunned. “Wait, really?”

“Really. The commoner rooms on the first floor turned out to be slums, just like the rumors said. I didn’t think they would actually be true. That aside, the bunk bed is a revolutionary invention. I guess that’s what commoners came up with to save space, huh? I couldn’t get a wink of sleep because the commoners snored so loudly...” He sighed heavily.

I looked up and stared at the brown-nosing pretty boy.

I’ve never heard of a noble moving to the commoner rooms on the first floor. It’s true that it’s way cheaper, but wouldn’t that wound his pride? His especially. He sounded really obsessed with his family standing yesterday.

“The headmaster told me off after the incident... It was horrible. Usually, being summoned to the headmaster’s office is an honor. I really wanted my first visit there to be under different circumstances...like a recommendation to the Order of Royal Knights or something.”

“You? A Royal Knight? Forget it,” I quipped. “You couldn’t even control a single spell in class. Think about it—if you ended up hurting the royal family instead by mistake, it’d be a disaster.”

“You’re absolutely right.” Valjean sighed after a moment’s pause and smiled self-deprecatingly. “I guess I’ll be the laughingstock of the school for the foreseeable future, then.” It was very rare for second-years to go berserk with their magic. We were still students, but we were also nobles representing our respective families. The reputation of the Greatlorde household would be tarnished because of this incident, as well. That was just something he had to accept.

Speaking of which...

“You played me for a fool, Lord Pauper. What was it you said? ‘I am so moved by your diligence; please have this breakfast as an offering’?” I might have been paraphrasing, but my point still stood. “In the end, you were just gunning for my clout. Hmph, you’re no better than those snobbish, greedy nobles.”

“...Now hold on just a second. Did you call me ‘Lord Pauper’? That nickname is incredibly insulting to my reputation.”

“You’re penniless and hotheaded,” I pointed out, “and you caused trouble for everyone in class. It’s a perfect name for you.”

“Fine. Call me whatever you want.” Valjean seemed eager to change the topic. “That said, it seems that you haven’t finished your breakfast yet. Were you possibly waiting for me?”

“Hmph. Look, I’m gonna keep eating. A feast is the only cure when you’re down. That’s how I’ve survived up to now. So shut up and eat.”

We both ate our breakfasts in silence, broken only by the sound of chewing and swallowing. Of course, being two problem students sitting together, we were bound to receive judging looks. I was used to it, but he probably wasn’t.

“Please keep this between you and me,” Valjean said at length. “There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“I was being sincere when I praised you. It is true that I had a bit of an ulterior motive at first, but I talked to you because I wanted to witness your change with my own two eyes.”

“Are you planning to butter me up so you can steal my breakfast?” I raised a skeptical eyebrow. “I won’t fall for your tricks.”

“What on earth are you saying? You never accepted any of the breakfast I offered, anyway. Not even once.”

“Of course I didn’t,” I replied. “I’m trying to thin down.”

“That’s true. Limiting how much you eat is the first step towards losing weight... All right. I’ll stop offering you my meals from now on.” Valjean finished his food. “Thanks for the meal.”

“Hm? You finished eating faster than me. You should be proud.”

“A noble can’t take pride in something silly like that,” he rebutted.

“Tsk, spoilsport. Oh, are you leaving already?” I called out to him. “I’m nearly done with my food. Wait for me.”

“You really have changed,” said Valjean, as though he could hardly believe it himself. “Jogging in the morning, eating only one portion for breakfast...” He ticked off the words on his hands. “More than anything, though... The wind magic that saved me yesterday felt just as kind as the magic back then. That was the second time you’ve saved me.”

“Huh?” I paused, not saying anything for a long moment. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s no use feigning ignorance. I know it was you who knocked me out in class yesterday. You’ve done it to me once before. That’s what I mean by ‘second time.’ You probably don’t remember, though. I don’t mind.” A gust of wind blew in from the open hall doors, and I sat dumbfounded as he continued.

“I feel like I’m finally seeing the real you. It’s a little unfortunate for you, though... It seems that I’m the only one who realizes you’re serious about losing weight. So please, let me ask you for a special privilege.”

My mind refocused and my vision cleared. Lord Pauper held a silver tray with empty plates. He looked at me with a smile so bright it could steal the limelight at a ball in the royal palace. He was no longer the pitiful sight he was moments ago, dejected about the headmaster’s reprimand.

“I ask this of you, Lord Slowe, since you’ve turned a new leaf... Please allow me to be the first to call you a friend.”

The penniless noble, this minor character who didn’t even appear in the anime, beamed as though he didn’t have a care in the world. And he directed that smile at me.

Besides losing weight, making friends was my second most important goal. Who would have thought I would accomplish that goal so soon? I honestly still can’t believe this is real. Wanting to share that fact with my personal retainer, I sprinted through the corridors after morning classes were over, squealing like a madman.

“The Piggy Duke’s stampeding down the stairs! Get out of the way if you don’t want to get mowed down!”

Retainers generally had two jobs. The first was to care for privileged noble students living in the school. Carrying their textbooks for them, reading books to them to pass the time, taking a horse into the city of Yoram to buy things on their behalf... They were errand gophers, basically.

The second was to keep in contact with noble households. This involved writing detailed letters on how the student spent their days, passing on secret messages from the House to the student, and so on. A messenger, if you really want to get down to brass tacks. I heard that some retainers had to cover for their self-indulgent masters, reporting back with lies of diligence and responsibility.

“Oiiink!”

“First-years, run for it! If you get in his way, he won’t let you hear the end of it!”

My retainer Charlotte was mostly free to do as she pleased. She was finally able to leave the extremely strict House Denning, and I wanted her to live out her life with little restrictions. The only thing I asked of Charlotte was to prepare my custom-made uniform. Oh, and I used to ask her to deliver breakfast to me every morning until recently too.

“The Piggy Duke hit my shoulder, aaah! Someone call a doctor! My shouldeeer!”

Don’t be silly. I barely touched you. Wait, are you trying to swindle me into paying you compensation? I won’t fall for that. It’s not like I have any money in the first place. Not only am I a problem student here at school, my own family treats me as if I don’t exist. I can barely rub two pennies together with the allowance they give me.

I was surprisingly nimble today. It had been a while since I could move my body like I wanted to. It wasn’t just because of my diet, however. My elation at making my first friend probably had something to do with it. Huh. Maybe I could even try taking two steps at a time like this.

“Hey, you! First-year, over there! Don’t just stand there! The Piggy Duke’s coming! Actually, he’s falling down! Move!”

Hm? Who’s that? Someone looked up at me from the middle landing of the stairs I was heading down.

“Lord Denning!” she called out to me. It was Tina.

Her Majesty, the Demon Queen of Porn Mags herself, stood there clutching her textbooks to her chest.

Wha—that’s dangerous! Get out of the way!

As I was flying down the stairs two steps at a time, I had too much momentum to stop myself. What I wouldn’t give for a set of emergency brakes! I focused everything I had to avoid directly colliding into her. The world went by in slow motion, even as I heard her shout.

“Were you watching me the whole time yesterday, Lord Denning? Answer me!” she demanded, anger radiating from her entire being.

I was momentarily distracted by her luscious curves, but I managed to reply, “Your spell was a little lacking in elegance.”

“You really were watching me! Ah, darn it, my life is ruined! This is the worst!”

“Uh, Tina, your true colors are showing!” I grunted, still trying to avoid running into her.

“Oops... Jeez!”

Contorting my body, I managed to swerve past Tina and spun completely around, letting my momentum carry me past to start hopping down to the next floor. Her face flushed bright red, but she didn’t look too put off by me. That wasn’t just my imagination, right?

“Did everyone see that?! This is not a drill! A girl talked to the Piggy Duke! I repeat, this is not a drill!!!”

Shut up! That was nothing out of the ordinary! I talk to girls sometimes too. Whatever, I’ve got to find Charlotte! There’s something I’ve got to tell her!

“Chaaarlotte!” I yelled.

Everyone would probably remember this moment as yet another oddity of the Piggy Duke, but... Who cares about that?! I’ve achieved a lifetime milestone!

Leaving the lecture building, I ran around the entire campus in search of Charlotte. Finally, I found her at the only tailor’s shop on campus. She came here to order a new uniform for me, like as not, anticipating the day I wouldn’t fit in my old clothes.

“Wh-Wh-What, Master Slowe?!” she stammered. “Why are you shouting? Please stop that; it’s embarrassing!”

“I made a friend!!!” Charlotte stared blankly at me, confusion written all over her face. “A friend!” I insisted excitedly. “I made a friend! And a girl talked to me just now!”

“F-Friend?!” I might as well have told her the apocalypse was happening, based on her dumbfounded expression. Then realization dawned on her face, and she gestured with her hands in conclusion. “Master Slowe, you have a fever, don’t you?! Let’s get you to the infirmary!”

“Huh? I don’t have a fever!” I protested.

“There’s no way a girl would talk to you of her own volition either, Master Slowe! Even if she really did, she definitely only did it out of desire for your family’s wealth!”

“Wha— That’s going too far!” I wailed.

“No, she absolutely must be a gold digger! I’m your retainer, Master Slowe. I can tell! I know you best! Come on, let’s go to the infirmary!”

“O-Oiiink! Let me go, Charlotte!”

Whenever Charlotte met me on campus after that, she would put a hand to my forehead to check whether I had a fever or not.