The Fear Diet
[ACT 1]
“RISE AND SHINE, Yukari.”
Yukari groaned.
“Come on, time to get up.”
Yukari forced her eyes open. “Ugh.” Matsuri’s grinning face filled her view.
“Satsuki won’t be happy if we’re late.” Matsuri grabbed Yukari by the cheek and dragged her out of bed.
“Ow! I’m up! I’m up!” Yukari was barely out of bed, and the day was already off to a horrible start. She glanced at the clock. “Whoa, 6:50 already?”
Yukari jumped out of her bunk and went into the bathroom. She raced quickly through her morning routine: wash face, brush teeth, change into gym wear. The same thought went through her head each and every time. How can Matsuri be in such a good mood so early in the morning?
Her half sister Matsuri had been her official backup for one month. In the space program, a backup did more than sit around waiting to take the primary astronaut’s place if something happened. Having undergone identical training, there was no one who could better understand the needs of their colleagues, so the backup crew supported the flight crew from the ground for the duration of their mission.
The girls shared a room in an attempt to foster a sense of camaraderie. Yukari didn’t mind being around Matsuri, but despite sharing a good portion of her DNA, the cheerful girl’s behavior often left Yukari scratching her head.
Their training began each morning at seven o’clock. They started with stretching exercises in the gym before swimming four hundred meters in a pool filled with seawater. Matsuri didn’t seem to have any trouble with the regimen, but Yukari’s low blood pressure made it difficult for her.
Breakfast followed at eight, by which point Yukari felt closer to starvation than hunger. It didn’t help that their diet was fine-tuned for their training—fruit, coconut milk, and one slice of toast didn’t come close to filling Yukari up.
At eight thirty there was a briefing with their guidance counselor, followed by actual training at nine. They spent mornings in the classroom educating their minds and afternoons in endurance training battering their bodies. For the most part, endurance training consisted of riding the centrifuge, multi-axis trainer, or motion-based trainer and getting spun, flipped, and bounced until their bodies went numb.
Training ended at six, followed by a shower and dinner, which usually lasted until around eight. The rest of the evening was spent with Yukari keeping an eye on Matsuri while doing homework and studying. Then it was lights-out at midnight. Yukari and Matsuri were essentially together twenty-four hours a day.
Today there was going to be a fire test of the main booster in the morning. The test would mark an important milestone for the project, so both Yukari and Matsuri were invited to attend.
There were more than ten flight controllers in the control room, along with Chief Engineer Hiroyuki Mukai and Fuel Specialist Motoko Mihara. Most of them had worked through the previous night, and a dull malaise hung over the room.
“Good morning,” said Yukari.
“Morning, you two. We’re just about to get this show on the road.” Mukai pointed out the window. “That booster is going to put you in orbit. Let’s see what she can do.” Thick stubble covered his face.
Two kilometers away on the coast, the test pad was visible through the thick bulletproof glass of the control room. The pad was a sturdy-looking structure of exposed concrete that loosely resembled the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. The first stage of the rocket was fixed to the top of the arch, which was ringed with four stories of scaffolding. Thick concrete covered the area beneath the arch to protect against the thrust of the rocket.
“All personnel have cleared the test area,” said one of the controllers.
“All right, let’s restart the countdown,” said Mukai. A large digital clock in the middle of the room began to tick off the seconds.
“T-minus twenty seconds. Activating data recorders.”
Racks of recorders began printing out feeds of data.
“Continuing countdown.”
“LOX pressure nominal.”
“Four…three…two…one…ignition.”
Columns of milk-white smoke shot out laterally from the platform. In seconds, the cloud had spread hundreds of meters, billowing up like an angry thunderhead.
An explosion rattled the glass of the control room.
“T-plus fifteen…sixteen…seventeen…”
The booster still roared.
An alarm sounded as a red light winked on on the control panel.
“The LOX injector’s overheating.”
“Cut the LOX!” Mukai shouted.
“The valve is stuck.”
“Shut everything down!”
“Controls unresponsive. Temperature still rising. Reaching critical.”
“Dammit!” Mukai wheeled on Motoko. “What did you add to the fuel mix?”
“Just a little accelerant. It burns so fast…Didn’t I mention it?”
“No, you did not mention it.”
A ball of orange flame enveloped the test pad.
The shock wave slammed into the control room, sending papers flying off desks. Yukari fell over backward with a yelp. Outside, a crimson mushroom cloud rose into the sky. The upper half of the test pad had been completely destroyed. The control room fell silent.
“Wow, did you see that, Yukari?” said Matsuri. “That was awesome!” She bounced up and down with excitement.
“You do realize, don’t you?” said Yukari, her voice low and deliberate. “We’re going to be riding in one of those.”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure it will be just fine.”
Yukari sighed. Maybe Matsuri didn’t quite understand, but Yukari wasn’t going to wait around to be strapped on top of a glorified bottle rocket while they stood back and lit the fuse. If they lost an astronaut in flight, the program would be dead—trouble was, so would Yukari.
[ACT 2]
YUKARI WAITED UNTIL she was alone with Satsuki before popping the question.
“Why are you suddenly so interested in our evaluation techniques?” Satsuki asked.
“I was just wondering. I know I’m the primary astronaut right now, but it’s possible Matsuri and me could end up changing places, right?”
Satsuki put her hand on her chin. “It’s possible.”
“It’s just…we’ve been training together, so I couldn’t help noticing that she seems better at all this than me. She’s got more stamina. Her reflexes are good.”
“Physically she’s performing slightly better overall, that’s true. Her studies are another matter.”
“Yeah, but she’s lived in a jungle her whole life. She can already do fractions, and her memory is great.”
“Maybe so, but she’s hardly up to Japanese high school standards. Kinoshita said he won’t be satisfied until she’s at least mastered calculus.”
“But I don’t even know calculus.”
“Are you worried, Yukari?”
“Worried?”
“Worried Matsuri is going to pass you by?”
“What? That’s crazy.”
Yukari had set out to get Matsuri moved up, not defend her own position.
“Good. Don’t be.” Satsuki laughed. “Besides, you still weigh a kilogram and a half less. That alone is enough to secure you the first slot.”
“Is our weight really that important?”
“The rocket is stretched to the edge of its performance envelope as it is. If it doesn’t make one full orbit, we can’t really call it a success, and if the capsule comes down early, that raises a host of safety concerns. So long as you both meet the bare physical and educational requirements, it all comes down to weight.”
“You don’t say…”
Satsuki checked her watch. “Lunchtime. One word of advice, Yukari. Don’t try skipping meals to lose weight.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Matsuri was already eating when Yukari got to the cafeteria. The special of the day: pork chops and broccoli. As usual, their meal had already been decided for them.
“Isn’t mayonnaise the best, Yukari?”
Yukari watched as Matsuri inhaled one stalk of broccoli after another. She was still mulling over what Satsuki had told her.
She could try slacking off in class and training in hopes of being moved to the backup position. But they had a habit of making her repeat something until she got it right, which meant she would probably end up doing the same thing day in, day out. She would rather end up drifting dead through space.
But there was another problem. If Yukari intentionally tried to sabotage her own chances, her father might hear about it. And the last thing she wanted to do was give him an excuse, any excuse, to back out of his deal to go to Japan.
That left only one option: her weight.
If she could gain one and a half kilograms, she would be in a dead heat with Matsuri. Gain three kilograms, and it wouldn’t even be a contest. “Diet time…”
“You say something?” Matsuri looked up at Yukari from across the table.
“Nothing. Forget it. So, uh, Matsuri. Are you happy with the food here?”
“It’s delicious.”
“Not the taste, the amount.”
“I’d eat way more if they gave it to us.”
“Same here.”
Obviously Yukari wasn’t the only one going hungry. She could always reach over and say, “Mind if I eat that?” but she was supposed to be the civilized one. And if she wasn’t prepared to leech food off Matsuri, that meant finding another source.
Their caloric intake was strictly limited to 2,750 calories per day, and of that only a paltry eighty-five grams was protein. Satsuki monitored their diets like a hawk, and everyone on the base knew they weren’t allowed to go over by so much as a calorie.
Snacks were out of the question. There was nowhere to buy candy and no one she could ask to smuggle some in for her. On their days off they were allowed off the base, but everywhere they went they were accompanied by a security escort. Their weight would determine the success of the entire space program—the lives of everyone on the base depended on it.
But Yukari’s life was riding on this too. She would have to take a chance.
[ACT 3]
IT WAS LATE afternoon on the first Saturday in September. Their training for the day was over. Yukari sat in Satsuki’s office writing a report, while Matsuri was getting special tutoring in the classroom.
Mukai walked into Satsuki’s office. “Hey, we were thinking about going down to Tianjin Restaurant for some dim sum. Interested?”
“Can you give me five minutes?”
“Sure.”
“Then count me in,” said Satsuki. “What’s with that look, Yukari?”
“I wanna go too.”
“You know the rules about outside food.”
“I’m a growing girl. A little extra every now and then can’t hurt.”
“The rules are the rules.”
“It’s not fair.” Yukari forced tears from her eyes. “I’m working so hard. The training is killing me, and all that math and physics and electronics is just gibberish. I want my dad to come back to Japan with me so bad—I can’t give up.” She sniffed and wiped tears from her eyes. “But I’m always so hungry. Sometimes I think I’m going to pass out. Everyone else gets to eat as much as they want, but not me.” Yukari buried her face in her arms.
Satsuki stared at her long and hard. “All right,” she said. “We’ll go hungry together. Go on without us, Mukai.”
“But…” Yukari stammered.
Mukai scratched his face. “That’s no fun for any of us, Satsuki. Give the kid a break. A little treat now and then won’t hurt anything. Besides, she was too skinny to begin with.”
“As chief medical officer, I’m responsible for her weight. Are you prepared to share that responsibility?”
“If she puts on a kilogram or two, I can make up for it in the capsule.”
Satsuki snorted. “You’re too soft, Mukai.” She looked at Yukari. “Fine. Today, and today only, you’re allowed to eat off the base. But you’ll do it under my supervision, is that clear?”
“Yes, ma’am!” All trace of sadness and tears had evaporated from her face.
Satsuki tidied up her desk and changed out of her white doctor’s coat and into a cardigan. “Shall we ask Matsuri to join us?”
“Erm…”
“What is it?”
“Her tutoring isn’t finished yet.”
“I’m sure if I ask Kinoshita to cut things short today, he won’t mind giving her a little extra homework to make up for it.”
“But homework is no replacement for one-on-one tutoring.”
“Try and put yourself in her place,” said Satsuki. “Just a minute ago you were the one blubbering about starving in isolation.”
And so they set out to Santiago in a Humvee. Kurosu sat behind the wheel, Yukari and Matsuri rode in the back, and Mukai, Kinoshita, Satsuki, and Motoko rounded out the party. The jungle rushed past as they made their way to Chinatown.
[ACT 4]
TIANJIN RESTAURANT WAS crowded and bustling. The soft glow of incandescent bulbs illuminated the dining room. The air was filled with a lively mix of Chinese, pidgin English, and Japanese. Dim sum carts squeaked noisily as they made their unending circuits around the room, the dishes inside sending up a steady cacophony of porcelain chatter. In the kitchen it sounded as though the wait staff and cooks were embroiled in a heated argument. A mélange of savory smells rose off plates of steamed food and lingered in the air. It was warm and inviting.
Yukari’s group caught Mr. Cheung’s eye as soon as they stepped inside. He hurried over to greet them. “Welcome, welcome. Aiyaa, today you bring lovely girls to visit. You toughen them up since last time I see them. Right this way.” He led them to their table. “You start with some Bolay tea?”
“I thought Genpi tea might be more appropriate tonight,” said Satsuki. Genpi tea was a well-known diuretic that was also believed to draw fat from the body.
“Genpi tea. One moment, please.” Mr. Cheung soon returned with a small teapot, teacups, chopsticks, and plates.
A woman wearing a qipao, a traditional Chinese dress, approached their table pushing a cart. “Haam sui gaau, shrimp dumpling.” Her accent was so thick it was hard to be sure what she was offering.
“Two baskets of shrimp dumplings, please, Hanrei,” said Satsuki. Hanrei placed two bamboo baskets on the table. “You bring new face tonight.”
“That’s right, you haven’t met. These are our astronauts, Yukari and Matsuri Morita. Hanrei is Mr. Cheung’s granddaughter.”
“Oh, you astronaut?” Hanrei regarded them with amazement. “Everybody talk about you. You child prodigy!”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” said Yukari.
“I hear about engine test. Too bad.”
“I was really looking forward to that Peking duck,” said Satsuki. Mukai leaned over to Yukari and Matsuri. “Mr. Cheung promised to treat us all to a nice dinner if the test was successful.” His eyes moved to Motoko. “Unfortunately, someone had to go and mess things up.”
Motoko fired back. “It’s not my fault your injector couldn’t handle a little extra pressure.”
“You leave my rocket out of this.”
“If you had used better materials in the first place, we would be eating Peking duck right now.”
Their conversation was quickly turning into an outright argument, but the only thing that interested Yukari and Matsuri was the steaming food on the table. Juicy pink shrimp were visible through the slick translucent skin of the dumplings. Their mouths watered.
Yukari stuffed an entire dumpling into her mouth. A salty mix of shrimp and juices burst across her tongue as she bit into it.
Yukari and Matsuri looked at each other.
“This is sooo good,” said Yukari.
“More!” cried Matsuri.
Tears of ecstasy filled their eyes. They reached with their chop-sticks for another dumpling, but Satsuki stopped them. “You can have one of each dish. That way you get to try a little of everything.”
The girls nodded obediently.
Each time Satsuki stopped a cart, she ordered the lowest-calorie items she could find: steamed meatballs, shark-fin dumplings, tapioca pudding, almond jelly.
The parade of food captivated Yukari, but then she remembered why she was there. At the rate things were going, she would never close the weight gap between her and Matsuri. Eating out every once in a while wasn’t going to help her pack on the kilograms. If she was serious about gaining weight, she needed to eat like this every day.
Of course, Satsuki would never allow that.
Yukari pushed away from the table and stood. “Excuse me,” she said. Yukari scanned the restaurant for Hanrei’s cart.
“Hi, Hanrei.”
“Barbecue pork buns?”
“No, actually. Nature calls.”
“Ah, this way.”
Hanrei led Yukari to the back of the restaurant.
“Could you come in for a second?”
“What?”
“There’s something I need to talk about.” Yukari grabbed Hanrei’s hand and pulled her into the restroom. Once they were alone, she explained her food problem.
“Aiyaa. You poor thing.”
“Right? So do you think you might be willing to make some deliveries for me?”
“Deliveries?”
“You know, pack up some food and bring it out to the base. Late at night, so no one sees you.”
“That sounds like trouble.”
“I’ll pay you thirty dollars per delivery.”
A change came over Hanrei’s face. “Tell me what to do.”
“I need you to sneak onto the base at one o’clock in the morning. The hard part will be getting past the fence and the guard tower.”
“What if I come from ocean?”
“Perfect! There’s a small outcropping of rocks to the west of the docks at the base. You know the one?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“I doubt they can see us from the guard tower there. I’ll bring a little light so you can find me.”
“Okay. What food should I bring?”
“The sweetest, fattiest, highest-calorie stuff on the menu.”
“I know just the thing. I bring it to you.”
A few minutes later Yukari returned to her seat, the very picture of innocence.
[ACT 5]
THE NEXT NIGHT, Yukari listened to the soft sounds of sleep drifting down from the top bunk. The room was dark, but the glowing hands of her alarm clock showed that it was half past midnight. The coast should be clear.
Yukari slipped out of bed and changed into a T-shirt and shorts. She put her wallet and a penlight in her pocket and moved to the window. She opened it without making a sound. Their room was on the second floor, so she slid down a pipe to the ground. The crunch of sand beneath her feet loud in her ears, Yukari made her way to the beach by the pale light of the moon.
A short distance from the barracks, the guard tower came into view. The tower was mounted with a searchlight whose beam swept the base grounds like something out of an old war movie. Yukari advanced cautiously, moving behind buildings and trees that would provide cover from the watchful eyes of the guards.
After walking for a kilometer or so, she reached the base docks. To the west she could see the black silhouette of the shoreline. The coast was rugged and uneven there, though Yukari was unsure whether it was coral or rock. The outcropping jutted several meters above the waterline. Finding a spot that would keep her hidden from the base, she sat down and waited.
It wasn’t long before a tiny boat appeared on the water, outlined against the bright reflection of the moonlight that played on the waves. Yukari flashed the penlight. The boat made a beeline for her position. It was a long, narrow canoe with one person seated in the middle, propelling the boat with a slender pole. The canoe was fitted with an outboard motor, but it was lifted out of the water—the sound would only attract unwanted attention.
“Hope you not wait long.” It was Hanrei. The canoe pulled up against the outcropping, where she moored it to a nearby rock. Yukari helped her ashore.
“Thanks. That couldn’t have been an easy trip.”
“No problem.” Hanrei took a round bundle from inside the canoe. Yukari shone her penlight on it, revealing two bamboo baskets filled with assorted Chinese pastries.
“Awesome.”
“Big one is pork bun, yellow one is custard tart, and steamed bun filled with white bean paste.”
“They look delicious.” Yukari reached for the baskets, but Hanrei snatched them away.
“Thirty-nine dollar, please.”
“I thought we said thirty?”
“That’s the delivery fee. Food extra.”
“All right, fine.” Yukari produced a handful of bills from her wallet and handed them to Hanrei. By local standards it was a princely sum, but for Yukari, who earned two thousand dollars a month, it was manageable.
Twenty minutes later, Yukari had devoured the food. Full at last.
“Ah, that ought to put some meat on me.”
“Good, good.”
“I’ll see you again tomorrow then?”
“I’ll be here.” Hanrei untied the canoe with a practiced hand and leapt aboard. She pushed off the rocks with her pole, and the canoe slipped silently into the waves.
It was after two o’clock when Yukari returned to the barracks. Matsuri was still sleeping like a baby. Yukari fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. The next thing she knew, it was morning.
“Rise and shine, Yukari.”
Matsuri’s smiling face stared down at her. Yukari pulled the covers up over her head.
[ACT 6]
THE NEEDLE ON the altimeter climbed steadily. The attitude indicator was level with the horizon. Yukari’s capsule was in the final stage of entering orbit—simulated orbit. The simulator mimicked the actual capsule down to the last button. The control room could manipulate each and every readout and indicator to display whatever the day’s training required.
“Altitude, 180 kilometers. Cabin pressure, um, four hundred. Power at twenty-four volts.” Yukari rubbed sleep from her eyes as she read off the indicators. Most of an astronaut’s job consisted of reporting data like this.
“Acceleration 7.5 G. Vibration decreasing. Prepare for main booster shutdown.” Kinoshita’s voice was cool and measured through the speakers in Yukari’s helmet. The simulator didn’t replicate acceleration and vibration, thus the verbal cues.
A red light appeared on the control panel.
“Uh, capsule separation is red. All other indicators are green. Roll zero. Pitch for orbital insertion. Cabin temperature seventeen—”
“You idiot!” Kinoshita’s voice crackled over the speakers. “The capsule failed to separate. Care to implement emergency procedures to fix that?”
“Oh, right. Let’s see…”
“Second fuse panel, emergency capsule separation on!”
“Got it. Done.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“What is the status of the capsule separation indicator?”
“Green.”
“Do I have to ask for readouts now?”
“Sorry.”
“That’s enough, you’re through for today. Let’s put Matsuri in.”
“Okay.”
Yukari disconnected the cables from her skinsuit and removed the seat harness. The simulator hatch opened. Matsuri stood outside, smiling as always.
She laughed. “He really let you have it, huh?”
“Hope you have better luck than I did.”
It was one week since Yukari had begun her midnight snacks. She and Matsuri sat as Satsuki gave them their posttraining debriefing.
Satsuki leafed through some papers. “Your performance is suffering lately—you especially, Yukari. Your concentration and endurance are down two points.”
“That’s weird,” said Yukari.
“Any idea what might be causing it?”
“I can’t think of anything.”
“Are you getting enough sleep?”
“Same as always.”
“Strange.”
“I do feel like the fatigue is starting to catch up with me.”
Satsuki tilted her head. “You’ve also been gaining weight.”
“Huh?”
“In the last week, 0.6 kilograms—still within acceptable limits.”
“Better watch what I eat.”
Yukari’s plan was working. She gave an inward shout of joy.
“You too, Matsuri.”
“Hoi?”
“You’re up 0.7 kilograms.”
Yukari looked at Matsuri in disbelief. What was she up to?
“That’s a surprise.” Matsuri was cool as a cucumber.
“Your nutrient intake and exercise regimen haven’t changed, so why are the two of you putting on weight?”
Yes, why was Matsuri putting on weight?
“You haven’t been sneaking sweets, have you?” asked Satsuki.
“Not me,” said Matsuri. If she was hiding something, she hid it well.
“What about you, Yukari?”
“Of course not.”
Satsuki looked at them doubtfully. “I’ll give it another week. But if this trend continues, I’ll have to reassess your diets. Cut back on your food.”
“No way!” Yukari said.
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. That’s all for today.”
[ACT 7]
PRIMARY AND BACKUP were practically inseparable. The girls were together twenty-four hours a day, which meant the only time one could get a jump on the other was while they were supposed to be asleep—exactly as Yukari had done. One thing was certain. If Matsuri kept gaining weight, Yukari would never close the gap, and Satsuki would order their caloric intake reduced.
That night, Yukari canceled her usual delivery and lay in bed, fighting off sleep. She had gotten by on four hours a night while studying for her high school entrance exams, so she could do this now.
A noise roused Yukari from a light sleep. Yukari checked the clock. Three in the morning. There was no sound coming from Matsuri’s bunk. Yukari peered into the darkness. Matsuri was gone. Even her old grass skirt and spear were missing.
Yukari changed as quickly as she could and climbed out through the window. The waning moon still afforded some light. As Yukari’s eyes adjusted, she could see someone near the ocean, about one hundred meters away. A spear rested on the person’s shoulder—it had to be Matsuri. Yukari followed, as silently as she could.
Matsuri made a beeline for the beach, making no effort to conceal herself. She walked past the docks and onto the rocky shore. There would be plenty of places for Yukari to hide, so she closed the distance between them. Matsuri stood atop a large stone, waves breaking against its base. She faced the ocean, spreading her arms as though to embrace it.
Matsuri began to chant in an unfamiliar tongue—half song, half summons. Her soft voice seemed to tease and tickle the air as it rolled out over the calm waters, a sad and plaintive melody.
Something leaped out of the water. Splash. Scales glimmered in the moonlight. A school of fish had begun to gather in the shoals beneath the rocks. Matsuri ended her song and leveled her spear.
“Hup!” The spear flashed. “Hup! Hup!” Three fish wriggled on the end of her spear.
Yukari watched in befuddled awe.
Matsuri stood her spear against a rock and went about gathering driftwood, which she then lit with a lighter from her survival kit. She sat cross-legged and skewered the fish on slender sticks of driftwood before arranging them around the fire. The smell of roasting fish filled the air. Mystery solved.
“I don’t believe it.”
“Oh, Yukari. Want some fish?”
“Don’t ‘want some fish’ me! It’s the middle of the night. What do you think you’re doing?”
“I woke up, and I was hungry. Is that why you’re here too?”
“No!” Yukari stormed toward the fire. “I was watching you to see how you were gaining weight.”
“Oh.” Matsuri shrugged and bit into one of the fish.
“Stop that!” Yukari grabbed the fish out of Matsuri’s hand.
“What was that for?”
“You know we’re not allowed to have snacks.”
“Taliho eat when we want to. It’s not a snack, it’s a meal.”
“Don’t play cute with me.”
Matsuri grinned. “You’ve been gaining weight too, haven’t you?”
“So what if I have?”
“When you wake up, you smell like Tianjin Restaurant.” Matsuri bit into the second fish.
Yukari watched for a few seconds before grabbing that fish from her too. “I said, stop that.”
Matsuri looked annoyed. “Why?”
“If we keep gaining weight, they’ll give us less to eat.”
“Eat when you want to eat. Dad says that’s the key to happiness.”
Matsuri reached for the purloined fish. Yukari yanked them out of reach. Matsuri tackled her, and they both went tumbling to the ground.
“So, what’s all the fuss?”
Yukari and Matsuri froze. They looked up to see a man towering over them.
“Mr. Kinoshita.” Despair clutched at Yukari.
“Care to explain what you’re doing out here?”
“It was such a nice night.” To her own surprise, Yukari’s voice remained level and calm. “We were admiring the moon.”
Yukari and Matsuri scrambled to their feet. Kinoshita didn’t move a muscle. He stood silent as a statue, gazing up into the sky. His eyes were fixed on the moon.
“I was in high school during the Apollo program,” he said. “About your age. All we had was a black-and-white TV with bad reception, but I was glued to it. Armstrong, Aldrin, Collins—they were my heroes. I didn’t delude myself into thinking I’d ever walk on the moon myself, but what they did never left me.”
The girls listened in silence.
“We may barely be able to reach low earth orbit now, but once we get the LS-7 working, we’ll be able to rendezvous with satellites in geosynchronous orbit. From there, putting something in lunar orbit isn’t that big of a jump. When Nasuda told me his plans for the program, my heart skipped a beat.”
“Would you go? To the moon, I mean.”
“I’m in my forties—a bit late to start.” A sad smile spread across his face. “But I never ruled it out. Right after the base was up and running, I had them test me—played it up as a joke.” Kinoshita fell silent. A wave crashed against the shore, then another. “I’ll never forget the look on Satsuki’s face when she told me I had an arrhythmia. I think she took it harder than I did.”
The smallest problem with his heart, something that had no effect on his day-to-day life, had crushed this man’s dreams.
Kinoshita’s voice returned to normal as quickly as it had changed. “There’s nothing more important to an astronaut than his health. That means getting enough sleep, and no snacking. That goes for you too, Matsuri. I don’t care what the Taliho call it, this is a snack. Don’t let it happen again.” He raised his voice. “Now get to bed.”
Yukari turned Kinoshita’s words over in her head as they walked back to the barracks. She had figured ordinary people might be jealous that she was an astronaut— they didn’t know any better. But until that night, she had never expected to find those feelings from someone in the program, someone who knew everything she was going through and longed for that dream in spite of it all.