Chapter 35

In the Imperial Palace

The Emperor was currently discussing matters regarding the impending Great Calamity of the next two years with his ministers. Suddenly, the Head Eunuch walked to the side of the dragon throne and whispered a few words. The Emperor’s expression turned slightly subtle.

The Marquis of Changle usually only attended court once or twice a year—at the beginning and the end—just to prove he still existed. He didn’t know what was going on this time, as the man had arrived halfway through the session.

Surely he didn’t come for the matter of the Great Calamity? the Emperor pondered, before dismissing the thought. Hadn’t the Prince of Pingnan said that the Marquis had already secretly stockpiled enough grain?

Whether it was drought or flood, this fellow Changle was extraordinarily lucky. His manor possessed a massive reservoir in the form of a thousand-year-old ancient tree, and he had a daughter who seemed specifically favored by the Heavens.

The Emperor felt a twinge of jealousy; such luck was truly unparalleled.

As for how the Emperor knew Cheng Ruyi was a “favored daughter of Heaven,” it was thanks to Master Huiyuan. In fact, the Emperor had even asked a high monk to observe Cheng Ruyi in secret. It turned out she was truly draped in the golden light of merit.

It was a pity he found out too late; the Marquis’s daughter was already betrothed.

Poor Marquis of Huaiyang—a man with no vision and even less luck.

The Emperor’s inner thoughts were rich, but his face remained solemn and serious as he summoned the Marquis of Changle for an audience.

Upon hearing that the Marquis had arrived, the ministers below reacted in various ways. Some were calm and expressionless, like the Prince of Pingnan; some were gnashing their teeth, like the Minister of Personnel who had been swindled by the Marquis dozens of times; some had subtle expressions, like the Marquis of Jianan; others were happy or simply waiting for a good show… Their faces collectively formed a living library of memes.

The Emperor found this sight delightful.

This Marquis of Changle truly is my “Happy Fruit,” haha! His mood had been poor lately, and he felt the Marquis’s presence would be a good pick-me-up. At this moment, the Emperor was amused, but soon the Marquis would leave him stuck between laughter and tears, wishing he could kick him out.

Outside, the Marquis of Changle heard the sharp cry of the eunuch: “The Emperor summons the Marquis of Changle for an audience!”

The Marquis patted the five bottles of divine medicine his daughter had given him. Brimming with ambition and confidence, he strode into the Golden Throne Hall.

The eyes of every civil and military official shifted toward him in unison. In his court robes, the Marquis looked handsome and dashing—every bit the elegant, dignified noble lord.

However, as soon as they remembered his personality, their stomachs began to ache. Truly, appearances were deceiving. What a waste of such good looks!

“Your subject pays respects to the Emperor! May the Emperor live for ten thousand years, ten thousand years, ten thousand times ten thousand years!” As soon as he entered, the Marquis hiked up his robes and knelt for a full formal kowtow.

“Rise, dear official,” the Emperor said with a smile.

Seeing the Emperor’s relaxed expression, everyone knew he held the Marquis in high regard. The Censors who frequently impeached the Marquis looked as though they were suffering from chronic constipation. Their “eye-daggers” flew toward the Marquis incessantly.

“Thank you, Your Majesty!” The Marquis stood up immediately.

“Marquis of Changle, how do you have the time to attend court today?” the Emperor asked with a smile, his tone tinged with a hint of teasing.

The Marquis, possessing skin as thick as a fortress wall, replied with a beaming smile: “Reporting to Your Majesty, your subject has a matter of great importance to report!”

Importance?

The Marquis, who spent his days wandering around, cockfighting, dog racing, and swindling, actually had something important to report?

The Emperor’s mouth twitched. He glanced at the ministers below, whose expressions were “hard to describe.” Deciding that “sharing joy is better than enjoying it alone,” he asked with the curiosity of a spectator: “What important matter?”

The Marquis cleared his throat and said with a straight face: “The matter I speak of concerns the physiological health of all the ministers present. Only when the ministers are physiologically healthy can they better serve Your Majesty and share your burdens!”

He spoke with such righteous indignation that the civil and military officials were left dazed. Since when did the Marquis care about their health? Was it about to rain blood from the sky?

Only the Prince of Pingnan—who had stationed people in the northern courtyard of the Changle Manor—knew a hint of the truth. His usually icy, indifferent face cracked for a moment. This Marquis was truly… a unique specimen.

“What is ‘physiological health’?” A brawny general in his thirties rubbed his head and asked bluntly.

Seeing someone take the bait, the Marquis was overjoyed and happily showed off his “knowledge.”

“Physiological health is essentially health of the body and health in one’s private life.” These were terms the Marquis had picked up from his daughter to fool the officials. Of course, this was all just to give his divine medicine a “high-end” entrance.

The ministers: “…”

What exactly is this Marquis trying to say?

“Get to the point!” The Emperor had listened for a while and still hadn’t heard the core of the matter. He couldn’t help but grow impatient. What is he playing at?

“As you command!” Hearing the Emperor speak, the Marquis decided to stop the preamble and reveal his trump card. To be honest, such elaborate setups didn’t suit his style anyway.

Then, with great theatricality, he pulled a small white porcelain bottle from his robes.

The Prince of Pingnan couldn’t bear to look: “…”

Here it comes!

“A unique secret formula—the essential divine slixir for men,” the Marquis said with a grin, holding up the bottle. “Only ten thousand taels of silver per pill. You won’t lose out, you won’t be fooled! Take this divine medicine and your body will be great!”

“Your Majesty, care for a bottle?”

The Emperor’s forehead was covered in black lines: “…”

The civil and military officials nearly spat out their tea. They stared at the grinning Marquis, dumbfounded.

Incredible. Simply powerful.

The Marquis of Changle had once again redefined their rock bottom. To actually sell that kind of medicine in the Golden Throne Hall—he was truly one of a kind!

His audacity was staggering. Publicly selling some “divine medicine” in court, which, from his tone, clearly meant something “indescribable.” He truly was a “mudslide” among the imperial officials.

A blunt and rigid Censor finally couldn’t take it anymore and barked: “Absurd! Ridiculous!” He stepped forward and knelt: “I pray Your Majesty punish the Marquis of Changle for the crime of disrupting the imperial court!”

The Emperor’s head throbbed. It was Censor Zhang again—this man spent every day offering “death-remonstrances,” bringing up the most trivial matters as if they were national crises. He waved a hand and smiled: “It’s just selling a little medicine. I still have enough magnanimity for that.”

Favoritism. Blatant favoritism!

Censor Zhang’s old face turned red with rage. He knelt there stiffly: “Your Majesty, please punish the Marquis for disrupting the court!”

“Censor Zhang, that’s where you’re wrong. I brought this medicine out of concern for your physiological health. Don’t mistake a good heart for ill intent. What disruption? Is it wrong for me to care about the health of the ministers who serve the Emperor?”

The Marquis spoke with such righteousness and conviction that it seemed he was the only one in the right. Then, he turned to the Emperor and began to suck up:

“Your Majesty is wise. To have a brilliant ruler with such a broad mind is the fortune of Great Zhou. However, for ministers like Censor Zhang to use your tolerance as a weapon to bully others… that is simply going too far.”

The Emperor almost burst out laughing. The Marquis truly knew how to talk; he understood him. These Censors stuck their noses into everything—the court, the harem, the appointment of the Crown Prince, even the selection of concubines. They were indeed overstepping, and it was time they were given a small lesson.

The generals, seeing the “hard rock” Censor Zhang getting shut down by the Marquis, all began to laugh. The Marquis suddenly looked very pleasing to their eyes. Honestly, most military men were blunt, while civil officials loved speaking in circles. They found it exhausting.

“Exactly! Censor Zhang, you’re meddling too much. Even the Emperor hasn’t said anything, yet you’re full of rules,” a burly general chimed in, supporting the Marquis. “Besides, the Marquis is just caring for our health. That doesn’t count as disrupting the court!”

The Left Prime Minister, the head of the civil officials, looked calm and composed. He smiled but said nothing—a total old fox. Everyone avoided Censor Zhang’s foul temper, but against the shameless Marquis… he was utterly defeated!

The Marquis chuckled and nodded, ignoring Censor Zhang’s frustrated face. “General Wang is right! If this medicine weren’t so precious, I’d really want to give you one to try.”

He added with a lewd wink to General Wang: “You know, when a man has a ‘special talent,’ his performance is exceptionally strong!” This made General Wang roar with laughter. These generals were all old soldiers; there wasn’t a “dirty joke” they hadn’t heard.

“Makes sense! Well said!”

The meaning was plain for everyone to hear. The generals laughed uproariously, giving the civil officials provocative looks that seemed to say: A bunch of weaklings, haha!

The civil officials were fuming.

The Prince of Pingnan’s brow twitched: “…”

Hearing dirty jokes in the imperial court… truly an eye-opening experience!

The dignity-obsessed Marquis of Huaiyang thought: Thank goodness I broke off the engagement. Otherwise, being related by marriage to the Marquis of Changle would make me a laughingstock. The Marquis of Changle was truly a ruffian, openly speaking crudely in court. Even the Emperor couldn’t help but be amused. Only the pedantic ministers were disgusted, cursing: “A disgrace to the literati! A disgrace!”

The Marquis was deaf to them. He was here to promote the medicine and build its brand, not to argue. But if anyone blocked his path to wealth, he would tear them apart.

“Cheng Zeyuan, this is the imperial court. Show some restraint! Don’t bring your foul-smelling things here. You’re embarrassing us!”

The Marquis of Jianan, who had been silent, finally spoke up in rebuke. He was a serious-looking middle-aged man, tall and dignified. Standing next to the Marquis of Changle, he looked unremarkable despite his aura of authority. In fact, the Marquis of Changle stole all the spotlight. One could only imagine how they were treated as children.

The laughter stopped as everyone grew excited. These two brothers had always been distant; they hadn’t expected a confrontation here. Everyone knew about the Jianan Manor’s scandals. The late Marquis had doted on the concubine-born Changle, raising him to be a playboy. After the late Marquis died, the Old Madam intended to torment him, but Changle was lucky enough to save the Emperor’s life, earning his own title and the manor next door. He had moved out, ruining her plans.

The brothers had been at odds since childhood. As the legitimate eldest son, Jianan valued his reputation and often scolded his brother. It only stopped once Changle caught the Emperor’s eye. Now, they barely saw each other, preferring to avoid each other’s company

“I say, Big Brother, you’re meddling too much. If you have the energy, why don’t you care more for your own daughter? Don’t look at the pot while eating from the bowl, or you’ll end up with nothing,” the Marquis of Changle fired back, giving him zero face. “You can’t even manage your own backyard; don’t reach your hand out too far. My business has nothing to do with you.”

The Marquis of Jianan’s face turned ugly, the veins on his forehead throbbing. He was clearly enraged, but he only managed one line: “Unreasonable!”

The audience watched with gusto, but then… it was over. Where was the fraternal brawl they were hoping for?

The Marquis didn’t care to bicker with his hypocrite brother. He continued promoting his medicine; he had a 50/50 profit split deal with his daughter, after all. Nothing was more important than silver!

“Alright, back to the topic. Let me tell you, this divine medicine of mine isn’t like the low-quality stuff sold outside. This is Divine Medicine ! Everyone who uses it says it’s good!”

“Ahem, Marquis of Changle… have you used it?” General Wang interrupted.

All eyes turned to him. Even the Emperor was curious.

“Of course! If you ask around, you’ll know,” the Marquis replied smugly, dropping his slogan again: “So, dear ministers, don’t miss out! Only ten thousand taels a pill. You won’t lose out, you won’t be fooled! Taking this divine medicine will give you strength! “

The ministers: “…”

Seeing their disbelief, the parched Marquis cursed them inwardly as “old bastards who don’t know quality.” Once they tasted the benefits, they’d be begging him for more.

“Ahem, Marquis, have you gone mad for money? Ten thousand taels for a fake pill? Why don’t you just become a bandit!” the Marquis of Huaiyang suddenly spoke.

“Huaiyang, that’s not right. You get what you pay for. Whether it’s real or fake, you’ll know once you try. It’s good for your body anyway,” the Marquis replied nonchalantly. “Bedding one beauty is skill; bedding two is ability; bedding three is luck. With this medicine, thirteen beauties a night is no problem!”

“Are you telling me you aren’t tempted? Think of the beauties in your backyards. Do you have the heart to let them stay alone, until they climb over the wall and give you a bright green hat?”

“Action is better than hesitation! With this medicine, you can have a different beauty every night and be a ‘new groom’ every night! A harmonious and satisfying ‘cloud and rain’ session is good for physical and mental health. When your mood is good, your efficiency increases. Isn’t that right?”

He spoke so much that spit was flying everywhere. The Emperor laughed uproariously. The Marquis was just too good at “spinning” things. But… was the medicine as magical as he claimed? To be honest, the Emperor—ahem—was also shamefully tempted. He was nearly fifty; he looked young, but in that department, he was starting to feel the strain. If the medicine was truly that good, should he “borrow” a bottle?

As the Emperor laughed, the officials realized they were almost sucked in by the Marquis’s pitch. Their faces turned green.

The Prince of Pingnan looked at him thoughtfully. This Marquis is a talent. If he were sent to negotiate on the battlefield, he might just annoy the enemy commander to death.

The Marquis looked at the Emperor with a pained expression. “Your Majesty, your laughter has made all my hard work go to waste.”

The Emperor laughed even harder.

“Your Majesty, I swear this divine medicine is real! If you don’t believe me, call the Imperial Physicians to examine it,” the Marquis suggested as a backup plan.

“The Marquis is right. Your Majesty, why not call the physicians to verify it right here?” Official Zhao, who had been robbed by the Marquis several times, sneered. Several officials joined in, as did Censor Zhang.

The Marquis of Jianan snorted.

The Marquis of Changle saw their looks and chuckled. “Your Majesty, since so many people want to verify it, please grant it.”

The Emperor saw his confidence and waved a hand: “Granted! Eunuch De, summon the Imperial Physicians!”

He had been so busy recently that his head ached; this was a good opportunity to relax.

The physicians soon arrived, led by the Head of the Academy—a white-bearded old man with exquisite skills and a blunt temper. For once, everyone appreciated his bluntness.

After the imperial physicians finished their formal greetings, the Emperor ordered them examine Marquis Changle’s divine pills.

The Marquis poured out one pill with trembling hands. This is all silver! But he knew he had to “sacrifice the child to trap the wolf.” The officials winced at his exaggeration; it was just a pill, yet he looked as if his parents had died.

“Be careful. Even licking a bit of the powder will cause a reaction. If something ‘indescribable’ happens to you later, don’t blame me,” the Marquis warned with a creepy smile.

The physicians took it seriously. They examined, smelled, and tasted. Finally, they confirmed it was harmless and, in fact, incredibly beneficial—though the extent of the benefit required “practical verification.”

The Head Physician looked at the Marquis with glowing eyes hoping the Marquis would donate another pill. “Marquis, we need more pills for further verification.”

“You say ‘verification,’ but who knows if you’ll just pocket it for yourselves? That would be a huge loss for me! This medicine can make an old man find his second spring! Who knows if you’ll just keep it for your own enjoyment?”

The money-grubbing Marquis refused immediately. Practical verification? One pill was ten thousand taels! Only a fool would give it away. He had experienced the “wonderful taste” himself. He wasn’t going to let this old doctor swindle him.

“You want it? Ten thousand taels a pill.”

The Head Physician was so angry his beard shook. “A tiny pill for ten thousand taels? Preposterous!”

The Marquis ignored him. No silver, no deal. His daughter had told him: focus on the silver!

“Don’t miss out! One pill for a transcendent experience! Become a true man! Good for you, good for her, good for everyone!”

The Marquis continued his shameless promotion. Once the officials heard it was safe and beneficial, their hearts wavered. No matter how dignified they looked, no man didn’t want to be “powerful.” Even the serious Marquis of Jianan was no exception. The older ministers were especially moved by the “second spring” promise.

Only the blunt General Wang stepped forward. “Marquis, here is ten thousand taels. Give me one!” He pulled out a stack of banknotes.

The Marquis’s eyes lit up. He happily took the notes and counted them. Exactly ten thousand. He beamed. However, being stingy, he didn’t want to give away the porcelain bottle. He pulled out a plain white handkerchief he had prepared, wrapped a pill in it, and handed it over.

General Wang was speechless. The Marquis had once again redefined the meaning of “stingy.”

The officials were dumbfounded: “…”

It’s just a bottle, is that necessary?!

The Prince of Pingnan: “…”

This Marquis is interesting. He’d be perfect for managing military funds.

The ministers who wanted to buy privately began wondering if they should bring their own bottles.

The Emperor’s mouth twitched. Is it really okay for him to be this stingy? But for now, he needed a bottle. If the effect was truly staggering, he might have to summon the Marquis more often.

“Ahem, Marquis of Changle. Didn’t you say you wanted to give me a bottle? I shall accept it!” the Emperor said nonchalantly, though his eyes were fixed on the Marquis. He knew that when dealing with this man, you had to be even more shameless than he was.

The Marquis was shocked. When did I say I’d give you a bottle? This is a forced gift! But then, he realized: the Emperor using the medicine was the ultimate advertisement! He could already see himself rolling in a mountain of gold. He happily presented a bottle of ten pills.

After the joy passed, he looked at the bottle in the Emperor’s hand. That’s one hundred thousand taels… His heart bled. But thinking of the future revenue, he felt a little better.

The Emperor, seeing the Marquis’s mix of joy and heartache, was delighted. Truly, it wasn’t easy to get the better of the Marquis of Changle.

Little did he know, he would soon regret taking this “bargain” so much that he’d wish he could turn back time.

Sansukini: This novel is truly my happy pill. The FL’s dad is really shamelessly funny. “Don’t miss out! One pill for a transcendent experience! Become a true man! Good for you, good for her, good for everyone!” is a good slogan for advertisement.

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