SCP-294: The Coffee Machine

SCP-294:
The Coffee Machine

 

SEVERAL DAYS HAD PASSED since I first began my life at the strange SCP Foundation research site. I was fairly well adjusted—I no longer woke up every morning disoriented, wondering where I was. However, I simply could not grow accustomed to sleeping in the same room as a cute girl—Iris—roughly the same age as me. Every single night, I had to tell myself to go to sleep over and over as I listened to her breathe deeply in slumber until I finally passed out from exhaustion.

If that weren’t bad enough, I was stuck sleeping on the sofa. It wasn’t exactly the best place for getting a good night’s rest. All of that combined with the drastic change in environment made me horribly sleep-deprived, and my head felt heavy.

One look at me that morning, and Iris proposed, “Let’s go get some coffee to wake up.”

I rubbed my bleary eyes as she practically dragged me behind her. When we reached our destination at the end of some corridor in the facility, I beheld it for the first time.

 

***

 

“This is The Coffee Machine,” Iris explained in a crisp voice like a tour guide, still wearing her pajamas.

It was early morning in the research facility. Perhaps the on-site personnel still weren’t up yet, for there was a quietness hanging in the air. The zone where we primarily worked was mostly underground, so the sound of birds chirping never made its way to us from the outside. We could hear only the faint, deep, hollow rumble of the air conditioning system.

Uh…? The gears in my head were struggling to turn so soon after waking. A bit delayed, it clicked that Iris had invited me to coffee and brought me here. We were going to buy coffee from this vending machine.

“You don’t have to buy it. Personnel can use the machine for free,” Iris chirped.

Guess it wasn’t much of a vending machine anymore. Although the smart-aleck remark popped in my head, I didn’t have the energy to actually say it. At the moment, I was dead on my feet.

“Hee hee! I hope they deliver your bed soon,” Iris said with a giggle, patting my head comfortingly.

I couldn’t have said it better. After appearing in this research facility—practically summoned to another world—things happened to shake out with me staying in Iris’s room, but I still didn’t have all my basic necessities. It took forever to receive new clothes (I awoke one morning to find a box stuffed with clothes my size sitting outside our door), so I could finally kiss that khaki workwear goodbye. But I was still missing most of the furniture that I needed.

“The security level here makes prisons look relaxed. You have to go through endless red tape to bring something in from the outside world,” Iris said with a shrug.

“Everyone pulled together and donated things like clothes for you, but I’m afraid no one happens to have much in the way of spare furniture like beds. We had to send away for one,” she explained, and added with a smile, “It should arrive in a few days, so hang in there.”

Personally, I felt that once my furniture was fully set up in her room, it meant I was stuck sharing a room with Iris for good. If possible, I would have preferred the Foundation give me a room of my own. It wasn’t as though I disliked living with Iris, but being in that environment was kind of an ordeal for a hormonal high schooler like me—I couldn’t relax in there.

“Hmmm, I don’t see that happening. It’s not like we have any spare rooms. For the record, my room is a containment cell specifically made for SCP objects. There isn’t exactly a surplus of similar ones.”

I didn’t know that. Even though she looked like a normal girl, Iris was an incomprehensible SCP object in her own right. She had the ability to manipulate objects inside the pictures she took… Though aside from that, she was a perfectly normal, harmless, kinder-than-average girl.

“Furthermore, I’m under the impression the Foundation wants to keep us contained together since it believes you and I are connected. It would simplify neutralizing us if the necessity arose.”

Now there was a terrifying notion. Iris nonchalantly moved on to the next topic.

“Anyway, I would like to propose we take turns using my bed until yours arrives. You don’t appear to be sleeping well on the sofa,” she said, looking up at me in concern.

That wasn’t it! The reason I wasn’t sleeping well was mostly her fault, not the sofa’s.

Besides, it was Iris’s room, and I was essentially freeloading off her. I truly believed with all my heart she had the right to the bed.

When I explained this to her, Iris folded her arms and grumbled in dissatisfaction. “Okay, I understand your stance. So how about this? We’ll hold a simple duel in which the right to sleep on the bed goes to the winner! Seize the right to a good night’s sleep!”

I felt like she was taking this down a weird path…

“If I lose, I will have no qualms with sleeping on the sofa. How does that sound? This is the most I’m willing to compromise!”

Well, I guess I was game if it would make Iris feel better. I imagine she felt awkward and guilty over constantly sleeping like a baby on the bed. With that in mind, I decided to accept her challenge.

Honestly, I was starting to miss the luxury of a bed… If mine was supposed to arrive in a few days, I would only wind up stealing her soft bed for a couple of nights in the event I won each round. Plus, it was said people showed their true colors in games and contests. I thought competing in this silly little game would be a good way to learn more about this girl I still knew nothing about.

 

***

 

“The nature of the duel is simple. We do combat using The Coffee Machine,” Iris said, jutting her chin toward the towering vending machine. She had an air of satisfaction, as if this had been the reason she’d brought me here all along.

It wasn’t until now that I truly looked at the vending machine in question. It seemed like a normal vending machine that could be found anywhere, although it was a bit different from the ones I was accustomed to in Japan. If I had to describe it, I’d say it reminded me of the freestyle beverage dispensers at restaurants. Instead of bottles or cans like most vending machines, it dispensed cups that it filled with your drink of choice.

Vertically elongated, the entire machine was just…grody, giving off an impression of old age and decay. For being so old, it had a strangely cutting-edge touchpad built into the center of the machine that constantly emitted a pale light.

There was no panel indicating what drinks were available for purchase. Next to the touchpad, there was a simple coin slot. Located by the coin slot was printed “50¢.” I wasn’t familiar with that symbol. Did it mean “cents”? How much was fifty cents in Japanese yen? Roughly fifty yen?

“Like I said, you don’t need to cough up any money. See the coins stuffed in there? Anyone who wants a drink can use those coins,” she said.

Now that she pointed it out, I saw there was a semi-transparent plastic container next to The Coffee Machine filled with fifty-cent coins (or so I thought).

Seeing as the coins were still good money, I was afraid someone might swipe them… Were the people here indifferent to that sort of thing?

“Even if someone stole all of the coins in the basket, it wouldn’t amount to much. Considering the risk of getting called out for thievery, no one is going to try to fatten their wallet… And if a member of the staff commits a crime, they could always get dismissed in disgrace. Anyway, I think you get the idea.” Iris yet again presented terrifying notions and grabbed two of the (apparently not fifty-cent) coins from the container.

“Now then, we’re going to use The Coffee Machine in our battle for the bed. Are you ready? There is no going back.” She tried to sound intimidating, but I could tell she meant it as a joke. Apparently, Iris could be quite the tease.

Still, what sort of “duel” was fought with a vending machine? Seeing as we had money to burn, and the stakes were pretty low, I didn’t see what was wrong with deciding on a coin toss.

“No!” Iris put her foot down; I guess she really wanted to go through with her plan.

“We’re currently able to communicate due to the translation collar…but that was created with an SCP object called ‘The Clockworks.’ There is no guarantee it can produce another. You should prepare yourself in advance for the inopportune possibility it breaks,” she said.

I wasn’t sure how to react. It felt like the conversation had suddenly shifted. When I cocked my head in confusion, Iris further elaborated, “As such, ███, you should work on learning English. At the very least, it would be in your best interest if you could speak conversational English without the assistance of your translation collar.”

She made a solid argument. The translation collar around my neck was so convenient, I didn’t feel much urgency, but I was in an unfamiliar foreign land. It was essential to study the local language. Seeing as English was the international language, obtaining a degree of proficiency certainly wouldn’t hurt. And in truth, I had no idea what the principle was behind how this translation collar worked. There was no telling when it might lose effectiveness or stop working properly.

Still, her train of thought was disconnected. I couldn’t see what linked the battle for the bed, studying English, and The Coffee Machine. If I was going to study English, I would be pouring laboriously over a textbook and dictionary… Or did she want me to learn by practicing my conversational skills with the native English speakers?

 

***

 

“You should start by building your vocabulary.”

With an impish grin, Iris waved her hand toward the vending machine as she said, “As you can see, The Coffee Machine has a touchpad. If you use it to input the English term, it will dispense any number of drinks.”

Wow, I had no idea vending machines could do that nowadays… Not one to buy drinks from vending machines all that often, I didn’t think the interfaces had gotten so fancy.

“No, this isn’t normal. The Coffee Machine is able to dispense essentially any and every drink input in English.”

Any and every…? Did she mean that literally?

“I mean that literally. It can dispense any liquid. It can give you a cup of plain old coffee, or anything else from that matter, from human blood to molten gold.”

That…wasn’t normal. It was impossible! And then the thought hit me like a train. Was this perfectly ordinary-looking vending machine another SCP object?

“Yes, this is SCP-294, also known as The Coffee Machine,” Iris affirmed in satisfaction, like a teacher standing before her prized student.

“This vending machine can produce any liquid imaginable… So each of us gets one turn inputting the name of a drink in English,” she explained excitedly, clearly enjoying herself. “And then we offer the drinks we ordered to each other. The winner is determined by who finishes their cup. Whoever fails to drink it all loses. If neither of us finishes our cups, whoever has the most left over loses. Those are the rules. Understand?”

In other words, whoever drank the most of whatever was offered to them won. Wait! In that case, what would happen if we both emptied our cups? A draw?

“In the event of a draw, we’ll hold extra sudden death matches until it’s settled. We’ll simply have to continue presenting more drinks until the winner becomes clear.”

Iris spun her finder around as she added, “For the record, The Coffee Machine always fills twelve-ounce cups. Seeing as there is a limit to how much the human stomach can hold, we will definitely have a verdict within a few rounds.”

If it came to that, I would have the advantage, thanks to the difference in our builds. But even so, I’d have a hard time downing two full cups. If I really pushed myself, I could probably go three, maybe four rounds. It wouldn’t drag out long.

“Please try to avoid drinking to your full capacity. Too much liquid intake is bad for your body. Even consuming too much water can prove lethal. This rule is only in place to avoid draws. We could allow draws, but I’m afraid that in the event of a draw…the two of us would have to share the bed.”

Oh, that would make it even harder to get a good night’s sleep than if I lost. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this to be the sort of fun game you’d play at a drinking party… I was simply relieved it wasn’t something crazy like a battle to the death. In fact, this actually sounded fun.

“Okay, so you can only punch words in English into the machine. As you come up with the drinks you want to order, you can learn English! But my native mastery of the language gives me an unfair advantage, so let me know if there are any words you would like to use. I’ll show you how to spell them.”

Ah-ha! So that was where studying English came in. Everything was coming together now. This was like an educational game for little kids. Admittedly, I’d balk if she ordered me to sit down and study English in earnest, but it seemed like I could enjoy learning it casually this way.

“Well, it’s not like there is any rush. Take your time picking things up. Not just English, but also information about the objects secured here in the facility.”

I nodded in agreement with Iris and we began the relatively trivial battle for the bed.

 

***

 

“I will relinquish the first-move advantage,” she offered. I didn’t think there was much of a first-move advantage in this game (after all, it was just a matter of drinking whatever was handed to us), but Iris made it sound like she was some great champion.

“I know a surefire way to win these duels…but this is our first round, and all. It wouldn’t be fun if we already knew how it was going to end, so I will refrain from using it this time.”

She was really annoying me! If I was doing this, I wouldn’t hold back any punches. Otherwise it’d take away the fun of the game.

As various ideas raced through my brain, I double-checked with Iris that The Coffee Machine could produce any kind of drink imaginable.

“That’s right. Oh, but let’s make alcoholic beverages against the rules. I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to start the morning off drunk. And minors aren’t allowed to drink where you’re from, are they?”

Come to think of it, I wasn’t entirely sure how old Iris was.

“I am seventeen years old. I should actually still be attending high school.”

Ah, that was only a year older than me. That was a bit surprising.

“What do you meaning by ‘surprising?’ That I come across as mature, so you thought I was older? Or that I seem childish, so you thought I was younger?” There was a bite in her teasing voice as she rubbed her elbows. “Anyway, let’s finish quickly and hurry back to our room. The air must be set low; it is freezing in these flimsy pajamas. I do not care to catch a cold.”

Yeah, both of us were still in our pajamas… I felt that if she knew this was going to take so long, we should have changed before heading over. But there was no point bringing that up now, so I focused on the duel instead.

Upon deciding what drink I wanted, I stood before The Coffee Machine. Iris said I could ask her what the word was in English, but I wanted to try doing it on my own this first round. I consulted the Japanese-English dictionary stored in my mind, flipped through it for a minute, and inserted two quarters into the coin slot. Then I typed “umeboshi juice” in the touchpad.

Yeah, I was pretty sure that was the correct spelling for “juice…” I remembered learning it in English class. Would it understand what I meant by “umeboshi?” Concerned, I asked Iris what she thought. The translation collar must have properly translated what I was trying to convey (Apparently it translated what I said into words the listener could comprehend, as could be inferred from the fact that we were able to hold conversations), for her eyes grew wide.

“Uh… Um, I could be wrong, but aren’t those ‘pickled plums?’ As I recall, aren’t they a type of Japanese plum fermented to make pickles?”

I didn’t really think of them as pickles… But I guess technically they were. Wait, they were fermented to make pickles? Wow, I just picked up some random trivia.

“I’ve heard The Coffee Machine will infer the meaning of rather abstract words punched in. Still, I’m impressed you came up with something as bizarre as pickle juice on the spot. I see you’re taking this seriously yourself.”

Well, I could have gone with something like Japanese plum wine, too. It wasn’t like she couldn’t handle drinking the stuff…most likely. I was merely going with the idea that she might struggle with something unfamiliar to her American taste buds. In that vein, I figured I stood a good chance at winning if I offered her natto gunk, but I didn’t want to watch her down that. I just knew it would be nasty to watch, although it would probably be good for her health.

“Oh, here it comes,” Iris pointed out.

After waiting only a few seconds, the sound of liquid being dispensed from behind the retractable compartment below The Coffee Machine’s touchpad came to a stop. With no chime to alert us that it was done, Iris stuck her hand in when she felt it was ready and pulled out the (supposed) pickled plum juice.

A fairly large paper cup was filled to the brim. The vivid, vermillion liquid looked like a rather tasty drink.

“This smells great…! Heh heh! I think you’re going to wind up teaching me a few things about Japanese culture,” Iris exclaimed happily, standing before the touchpad with the drink in one hand.

“Now it’s my turn.”

After a moment to think, Iris began to type with the ease of long familiarity.

The screen said, in English, “sea water.”

Huh? If she meant “sea,” as in the body of water, and “water” as in the mother of all life, wasn’t that seawater…? Was this girl telling me to drink a twelve-ounce cup of ocean water…? Was she trying to kill me…? Crap! She was seriously out to win. My carelessness would have led to a bittersweet defeat, or maybe I ought to say salty defeat, if I drank that stuff.

“I could have asked for oil, molten iron, or liquid nitrogen, but decided to go with something that barely seemed feasible,” Iris claimed meanly with a straight face. “As your competitor, it’s more amusing to watch you struggle drinking the stuff…than it is seeing you instantly tell it’s impossible,” she said, devilishly. Ah, now I knew how Dr. Bright felt when she knocked over his Godzilla model in the lab.

She could be quite a malicious tease… Iris was generally nice and kind, so I never noticed until now. I thought she seemed more “real” after revealing the less likeable parts of her personality than those people out there who act like robots, only showing their good side. It actually made me think more fondly of her. But that didn’t mean I could drink seawater! No way. I gave up.

“In that case, I win this round,” Iris said with a smile after she seemingly enjoyed downing the entire cup of pickled plum juice.

“I’d like to add a new rule… Any words used in a prior round cannot be reused. Good luck coming up with liquids that humans cannot drink.”

Man, she really did intend to continue holding these battles over who could use the bed going forward. I hoped my bed arrived soon. I needed it A.S.A.P.

“Let’s say that if we both order something unpotable, that round won’t count. We’ll have to input something new and try again. Tee-hee! This is starting to feel like a real game,” Iris said, looking like she was having a blast. Seeing her dazzling smile, winning honestly became a matter of secondary—or tertiary—importance.

 

***

 

This is just an aside, but in the end, it took longer than expected for my bed to arrive. Thirteen days passed before it was finally delivered. Iris and I continued our duels every morning until then, but I lost every single one. It got to the point that I ultimately gave up on winning and began inputting the name of drinks I thought Iris would enjoy.

Iris must have realized what I was doing, because she frequently talked about what sort of flavors she liked. Instead of artificial sweeteners, she preferred the sweet flavor of fresh fruits. Having diverged from the duel, it felt like she was requesting drinks from a bartender. The drink that she liked the most was a mixed fruit juice that her mom “occasionally made on a whim.” I couldn’t stand that stinky stuff, but Iris was happy to drink it.

“It makes me feel like I’ve learned a little more about you, and that makes me happy,” she explained.

As an aside to the aside, which might be a bit redundant, our duel with The Coffee Machine became a strangely massive hit in the facility. There was always a long line in front of The Coffee Machine of personnel enjoying this stupid game, during the course of which, they invented a multitude of interesting drinks. It would take forever to list them all, so I’ll just leave that out, if you don’t mind.

For the record, the machine was apparently able to dispense drinks even if rather abstract ideas were input. Some examples included “my life story,” “a cup of pertinent medical knowledge,” and “the perfect drink,” and more… A bemused researcher compiled a list for fun, so anyone interested should go check it out.

By the way, I was a bit curious about the surefire way to win Iris mentioned back during our first duel, so I asked her about it. I was just making small talk as I rolled around on my bed, which had finally arrived.

“Seeing as I added the rule that it doesn’t count if we both order something undrinkable, I wouldn’t call it surefire anything,” Iris said as a preamble. But with a brilliant smile, she continued, “It was ‘something no one can possibly drink.’”

Wait, that wouldn’t even count as a drink anymore!