Chapter 2: The Talk of the Town

*1*

Just outside the city gates, Laplace floated up and peered around at their surroundings. “This place has really gone to the dogs over the past three hundred years,” she frowned.

“Yeah... We’ve been in an economic crisis ever since we lost the war with the neighboring nation. Good thing we managed to keep them from invading, at least.”

“Fascinating... We were practically invincible back in my day.”

“Alright, well, it’s time for you to go back to fake walking, okay?”

Fortunately, the gatekeeper was so checked out, he failed to notice that the woman who had left town alone this morning had since mysteriously acquired a companion.

But no sooner had they passed through the gates than Tanya noticed something strange: the streets were in an uproar.

“Huh? What’s got everyone in a fuss?” she mused quizzically.

“Extra! Extra!”

Taking Laplace by the hand, Tanya led her into the crowd to acquire a newspaper.

“What’s got everyone so worked up? Is it some kind of crime or accid-AAAAAAAAHHHH!”

“What is it? What’s the matter? Let the Great Sorceress have a look!”

“...I can’t believe it...”

“Hmmm?”

Laplace peered down at the paper in Tanya’s hands—and since she was both taller and currently levitating, this meant leaning directly over Tanya’s shoulder with their cheeks touching.

Tanya flinched slightly. Why does she smell so good?

“Oh, it seems our written language has evolved a fair bit over the past few centuries. Let’s see here...”

BREAKING: Unusual Activity In Western Wasteland Viewed As Potential National Security Threat

As of this morning, the Wyvern of the Western Wasteland was found dead in its natural habitat. The culprit is currently unknown, but considering the beast’s considerable size, it is believed to be the work of one or several magical platoons. The Imperial Magic Association has dispatched an emergency investigation team to determine the cause of death and track down those responsible for the slaughter.

“Wow! They found out pretty quickly!” Laplace chuckled to herself.

Meanwhile, Tanya began to panic. No, no, no! NOT GOOD!

“Laplace, this is a serious problem! Oh my god... Holy shit... If they find out, I’ll be barred from the tournament!”

Worse still, the article kept throwing around the word “culprit” like it was a crime... Then she remembered: for certain species of dragons, Wyverns included, the party leader was required to submit an application prior to hunting it down. She’d been so busy, uh, surviving, that she’d completely forgotten. Oops.

All around them, they could hear the citizens gossiping:

“The Wyvern’s dead?! Maybe it was some high-level adventurer?”

“Dude, even a magical platoon couldn’t take that thing down.”

“We can’t say for sure! Lots of competent adventurers have been flocking into town ahead of the big tournament, you know!”

“I don’t know... I wouldn’t trust some outsider who can’t even commit to a party. Something about it just screams ‘criminal,’ you feel me? Whoever it was, I hope they track ‘em down.”

Crumpling the newspaper into a ball, Tanya wiped away the river of sweat trickling down her forehead. Oh my god, I CANNOT let them find out I did it! Ugh, I’m sweating like a pig. I must look like a frickin’ water fountain!

In contrast, Laplace was all smiles. “Hee hee! We’ll be fine! They’ll never find out! Now then, exactly how big is a platoon, anyway? Thirty people? Hahahaha! Imagine the looks on their faces if they learned the culprit was a lone woman! I bet they’d wet their pants in fear!”

“SHHHHH! Keep your voice down, dumbass!” Tanya hastily clapped a hand over the ditzy Sorceress’s mouth.

“Mmmph!”

Fortunately, the crowd was too busy reading the newspaper to pay attention to them.

“Let’s just go buy our equipment, okay?” It was only a matter of time before someone noticed Laplace was floating, and Tanya was eager to reduce that risk as much as possible. “We’ll get you a nice, long dress, or maybe a robe—something that can hide your feet. Yeah, that’ll work!”

“C’est bon, d’accord. No complaints here. This dress is about three hundred years out of fashion by now, anyway. Hee hee... Shopping, shopping! Yay!”

In her glee, Laplace was about to do a somersault in mid-air—until Tanya tackled her to the ground.

“STOP THAT!”

*2*

Out front, the sign read in giant letters: ADVENTURERS’ GUILD RETAILER.

“...Is this really the best they’ve got?!” Laplace scoffed.

“Shhhh! I told you, keep your voice down!” Tanya hissed, but it was too late. The shopkeeper was glaring at them.

“I’m just saying, if this is the ‘official Adventurers’ Guild retailer,’ surely they ought to have more of a selection than this!”

“There aren’t a ton of female adventurers, remember? We’re considered a niche market. It’s like this in every store.”

There were a handful of different national clothing retailers for adventurers: Door-mart, Bullseye, Costlow, plus some specialty stores for large-bodied races like Beastkin’s Wearhouse. But no matter where you went, most of the selection was inevitably geared towards men. If there was a ladies’ section, it was often a single tiny rack tucked away in a corner on the highest floor. Naturally, the selection was piss-poor, everything cost slightly more than the menswear, and none of it ever went on sale.

In the beginning, even Tanya had balked at it, but over time...

“I’ve just come to accept that that’s how things are.”

“What?! You can’t just accept this! You’re an adventurer, so you have a right to a decent selection! See that? The men’s section has a ‘buy one, get one half off’ deal going on! It’s not fair!”

“Ladies, please!” Having lost his patience, the bald, middle-aged shopkeeper stormed over to us. From his brawny build, it was clear he was a former adventurer himself. “I’m runnin’ a business here, alright? No more window shopping. Either buy somethin’ or don’t.”

“Oh, sorry! I’m looking for Knight gear, and she needs a Mage robe with a long skirt.”

“Hmm? You sayin’ you’re a Knight?”

“Uhhh... yeah...? Technically?” As of this morning, anyway.

Laplace smirked. “Heh heh! Just wait ‘til you hear this, mister. She’s not just any Knight—she’s a Magi-Knight!”

“Say wha?! A Magi-Knight?!”

The shopkeeper stared at me in shock for a moment—then burst out laughing.

“Pffffhahaha! Yeah, right! Nice try, lady. There’s no way this chick is a Magi-Knight. That’s a master-level class. Even for a guy, it’d take like twenty more years to get there.”

Tanya was hardly surprised, though. No one would believe that a woman had achieved a master-level class change. Hell, they’d had trouble believing she was a Mage.

Hoping to smooth things over, she laughed politely... but Laplace had other ideas.

“Oho, interesting. So Tanya here can accomplish in three minutes what the average guy can’t manage for twenty years.”

“You say somethin’?”

“Nope! Not a word!” Tanya shouted as she slammed Laplace into the wall with the force of a thousand suns. Picking unnecessary fights with shopkeepers? Hard pass!

Ominous, dark smoke rose from Laplace’s scalp as she pulled herself out of the crater in the wall. “Oui, c’est exact... I didn’t say... anything... patently untrue, that is...” With a half-hearted thumbs-up, she slumped her shoulders.

“See? We didn’t say a word, did we, Laplace?! Anyway, shopkeep, we’re gonna need to borrow your dressing room!”

Conflict avoided! Tanya heaved a sigh of relief.

Then again... I’ve spent my whole life trying not to make waves, and look where it’s gotten me... Kicked out of the party because of my gender... Her heart twinged. Reflexively, she pressed a hand to her chest.

“Uhhh... Okay... You’re pretty strong, eh, lady? Anyway, once you’re done, I’m gonna need you to pay for that wall.”

Ouch... Right in the wallet.

*3*

“Ow, ow, ow... Tanya, please don’t forget, your mana’s boosting your physical stats now,” Laplace whimpered as she sat in a chair in the corner of the store.

After three hundred years, she was finally free. During that time, both the capital city of Ode and its people had changed dramatically.

While Tanya was getting dressed, Laplace looked around the store. Customers were sparse, but a fair few female adventurers had come and gone.

Then, after a while, it hit her:

“Wait... Aren’t they dressed a little too lightly?”

The Healers, the Mages, plus both of the Thieves she saw—they were all barely wearing any armor at all. In fact, some of them were essentially walking around in bikinis.

“Is this some kind of fashion trend? I don’t get it...”

Makes me wonder what Tanya’s putting on. As a Magi-Knight, she’ll need all kinds of armor—everything from shoulder pads to gauntlets. Surely SHE won’t walk out in a glorified bikini, right?

“Ta-daaa! Here I am!”

“Oh, welcome back, TanyaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHH! What on earth is THAT?!”

“Huh?”

“Why are you in a STRIPPER OUTFIT?!?”

“What?! This isn’t a stripper outfit! It’s ladies’ armor!”

“In what world is that considered ARMOR?! You do realize Knights fight on the front lines, yes?! Why wouldn’t you want to cover your midriff?!”

Indeed—Tanya had popped out of the dressing room wearing bright pink bikini armor.

“And here I thought your Mage getup was a little exhibitionist... Tanya... Could it be that you’re a... what’s the word... a nymphomaniac?!”

“Wh... Rude much?! Look... do you think I WANT to wear this?! Because I don’t! But it’s what the Adventurers’ Association recommends!”

“What?”

“Here—see this official seal of approval? You have to wear equipment with this mark or else you can’t work for the Guild!”

Tanya’s face flushed brighter than her pink bikini. Beside her, the shopkeeper grinned smugly. Meanwhile, Laplace’s jaw dropped. Unbelievable. How could the Adventurers’ Association possibly approve of such flagrantly unsafe armor?

“This style’s been in fashion ever since we found out that women have to expose as much skin as possible in order to boost their mana sensitivity.”

Aha. That explained why it seemed as though every female adventurer was so ridiculously scantily clad: they were being lied to. Truly lamentable.

Laplace sighed heavily. In her absence, society had gone backwards, and apparently now people were spreading misinformation about magical theory. As a result, the masses had grown ignorant.

“Haaah...”

“What’s the matter, lady? Got a problem with my store?”

“Non, non. My problem is with societal power structures.”

“Societal what now?”

“Your idea of what’s normal. Your customs. No one realizes how utterly corrupted they’ve become.”

“The hell are you talkin’ about?”

“Fine. Listen up, you two. The great and beautiful Laplace will give you a lecture on just how stupidly pointless this stripper armor truly is.”

With a snap of her fingers, a swirl of letters and diagrams appeared in mid-air.

“Wh-What the?! No incantation?!” the shopkeeper yelped.

His voice echoed through the otherwise empty store.

“...So, in conclusion, mana circuits form the foundation of all magic. The key is in knowing how to circulate and amplify your mana in order to produce the desired result. That’s it. There is absolutely no correlation between mana sensitivity and bare skin. Zero. Zilch. Got it?”

So ended Sorcery 101 with Professor Laplace. Even Tanya, who had graduated at the top of her class at both the magic academy and adventuring school, had never even heard of some of the concepts Laplace presented. All in all, it was highly educational. This Great Sorceress really knew her stuff.

“Wait, so... you’re saying...” Tanya swallowed hard. “All the skimpy armor... and the sheer pantyhose...”

“Nothing more than sexy clothes.”

“Oh my god...” Tanya clutched at her hair. All the times I swallowed my pride and put on those stupid, form-over-function, pointlessly see-through outfits... All the times I practically froze to death, or got weird tan lines... You’re telling me it was all just a big waste of time?! Pardon my language, but this is BULLSHIT!

She could feel burning rage welling up inside her.

“A-Alright now, I understand where you’re comin’ from. But at the end of the day, this is all I got in stock! If you don’t like it, take your business elsewhere!”

“Now, now. No need to leap down my throat about it,” Laplace grinned. “Very well. Tanya can have the stripper armor. As for me, I’ll take... that white dress you’ve got there. It’s a decent length, and I quite like the needlework on the sleeves.”

“Excuse me? That dress is meant for master-level Healers!”

“Oh, don’t blow a gasket. Tell me, Tanya, what’s your favorite color?”

“Huh? Oh, umm... red, I guess?”

“Ooooh! Nice! Red, the color of blood... The color of revenge... Sounds perfect!” Laplace exclaimed in a singsong voice. “Très bien! Just leave it to me. I’ll remodel that teeny-weeny bikini into the ultimate armor—with a superb design and stat boosts to boot—or my name isn’t Laplace the Great Sorceress! Let’s do this!”

With a snap of her fingers, the pink bikini top transformed into a gallant breastplate, with only the Adventurers’ Association seal left intact. Fabric expanded before their eyes; Tanya’s heart fluttered with joy as a magnificent cloak gracefully descended down to her ankles.

As for the vestment Laplace had chosen for herself, the distinct needlework on the sleeves remained as the thigh-high slit magically sewed itself back up. Its white hue darkened to an inky black that matched her hair.

Tanya’s eyes sparkled. “Wow! Oh my god... this is so cool!”

“Heh heh! Piece of cake. Not only did I improve the design, but I maxed their physical and magical defense stats, too! So, what do you think? Do you like it?”

“I LOVE IT! Man... I’ve always dreamed of wearing something like this!”

“It pairs well with the sword, too. What about mine? Thoughts?”

“You look amazing! Not that I didn’t like your old dress, but wow, you look right at home in Healer robes! And having your legs covered adds a certain air of mystery... Wait a minute. Um, Laplace? You forgot to cover up your, uh... chest area.”

“Hmm? Why should I?”

“Well, weren’t you saying we don’t need to show skin?”

“Correct—we don’t need to. But in this case, I want to.”

“Why would you want to?”

“Because it’s fun!”

Meanwhile, after witnessing Laplace’s god-tier magical prowess, the shopkeeper was utterly decimated.

*4*

“Wait, seriously? You want us to pay him for those shitty outfits?”

“You swear an awful lot, don’t you, Tanya? Anyway, yes, of course we’re going to pay him. Otherwise we’d be stealing from him. Not to worry—I’m the one with the wealthy family, so I’ll cover it. My treat.”

Laplace opened her leather satchel and took out her money... her three-hundred-year-old money.

“The hell is this? We don’t accept these here.”

“WHAT?!”

“FUCK!”

Their screams echoed through the store...

“...So, cash or credit?”