Caught Between a Rock and a Red Priest

Caught Between a Rock and a Red Priest

I awoke in what, judging by the colorful smashed glass and statuary, must have been an abandoned church. It was filthy, and it smelled bad. Hanging by bound hands from a ceiling hook in an unfamiliar (and stinky) environment, with a throbbing headache and my enemy staring me down? Not my favorite way to greet the day. It beat not waking up at all, I guess, but just barely.

Of course, the headache wasn’t the worst of it. The worst of it was somewhere in the vicinity of my wounded pride—that stung horribly.

Zelgadiss stood with his arms folded, sizing me up for something awful, I was certain. Zolf, the mummy man, was there too—along with poor, pathetic Dilgear the dork-wolf and a guy I hadn’t seen before… who was a fish. No, seriously, he was a fish.

You know those things that live in the water? A fish. Fish plus guy equals fishguy. And fishguy made Dilgear look downright handsome by comparison.

Ever run into fish people before? No? Okay, there are essentially two families: Lagon and Gillman. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what distinguishes one family from the other, but I do know that most of the fish people you run into are humanoid with scales, and a fair number of them have fins. They’re also a foul-tempered bunch. But I suppose I’d be nasty, too, if I smelled like a fish. (Oh hey, I think I just figured out where that stink in the church was coming from.)

Now, this particular fishguy was more fish than guy. His body was thin and long. He had two huge fish eyes on either side of his head, which really was not so much a head as an extension of his body, since he hadn’t gone to the trouble of growing a neck. He looked like a flounder with arms and legs. How would you like to wake up to that? At least I didn’t see the old guy around anywhere.

“Not so quick with a quip, now are you?” asked Zelgadiss. It was a rhetorical question.

I hate you, you horrible bastard. Does that count as a quip?

“You should thank Zolf. He’s the one who spared your life. Or, rather, he was the one who most desperately wanted to kill you but fought valiantly to contain his passions.”

“Thanks, Zolf. I owe you one.” I would’ve winked but my face hurt. I managed a smile. Kind of.

“Watch your mouth, you little—!” That was Zolf.

“Little what? C’mon Zolf, take your best shot.”

“Too bad about your boyfriend running off and abandoning you,” said Dilgear, obviously trying to help his buddy out.

“Yeah… too bad,” I replied. My boyfriend?

Zelgadiss sighed and said, “I wouldn’t have thought you’d trust your companion with the object. As it turns out, it’s good for you that you did. We’ll have to keep you alive as bait.”

“Uh, we’ll have to what?” Dilgear blubbered.

“This girl does not have the object.”

“What?” Everyone gasped all at once—everyone, that is, except Zelgadiss and me.

“How can you tell?”

Zelgadiss turned and looked at Dilgear like he was an idiot. Because, well… he was an idiot. “Do you see the statue anywhere, Dilgear?”

Now, don’t get any funny ideas. It’s not like I was hanging there naked: I was wearing what I normally wear, minus the sword and mantle. I couldn’t hide a statue without looking like I had at least a sandwich under there.

Dilgear walked around me, looking over my body. Ew.

“Huh. Maybe she swallowed it?” He smiled an idiotic smile. Because, well… he was idiotic.

“I was unable to detect the Orihalcon on him during battle. How did you manage to shield that?” Zelgadiss queried.

“I stuck a protection spell on it.”

“Protection spell?”

“It cancels out search spells. The statue can’t be detected, even from the astral plane.”

“Kudos. Well done.” Zelgadiss sounded impressed.

“Thanks.”

What did he expect? Jeez. These people have no faith in me.

“You didn’t use anything that impressive during our battle.”

“I was holding back.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, really.”

“You’re not a fool. Do you expect me to… ?” Then he figured it out. “Oh, I see. That time of the month, then?”

“Piss off!” I reddened. Am I wearing a sign that says, “I’m on my period. Please let’s discuss”?

“Well, in any case, we’ll need to keep you alive until your companion turns up,” he said. “Zolf, do what you like with her, but don’t kill her.”

Do what you like with her?

Zolf smiled. My stomach turned.

Oh this is just great…

“Sweetheart,” Zolf cooed in a voice that gave my goose bumps goose bumps. “I believe we have established that you owe me your life, and I intend to be repaid. Now, where shall we begin, hmmm… ?” He eyed me up and down.

Oh, good. He’s a psychopath. What exactly did I do to deserve an invitation to this party… ?

“Mr. Zolf… sir?”

“Yes?” he purred, pleased with my newfound respect.

I looked at him rather meekly and whispered, “I just… I just want to—”

“If you want to beg for forgiveness, save it.”

“It’s not that,” I said, lowering my voice even more. “I just want to say that I think you’re…”

“What? Speak up!”

“I’m embarrassed,” I whispered. “I’m young and not very experienced with men. I just want to say that I think you’re… “

“What? You think I’m what? Handsome?” he leaned in closer to hear me.

“Third-rate.“ I said, in a voice as clear as church bells. Gotcha. Sucker.

The room exploded with laughter. Everyone except Zolf was howling. Zelgadiss tried to hide his mirth by shielding his mouth with his fist, but his quivering shoulders gave him away. What can I say? I’m a funny girl.

I wasn’t laughing at my own joke in part because, well, that’s just tacky. But also because—zinger or no zinger—I was tied up, and Zolf still had the upper hand. I expected him to explode, but he just glared, which was worse.

Well, that’s terrifying.

There was a long uncomfortable pause after the laughter died down. Finally, Zolf smiled. “Dilgear…” he called to the wolf/troll/ man/ thug.

“Yeah, Zolf?” Dilgear answered.

“Kiss her.”

“WHAAAAA ?!”

Everyone turned to see where the scream came from. It came from Dilgear. The wolf… thing was apparently more grossed out at the prospect of sucking face than I was.

Now that’s not exactly the kind of ego boost a girl needs.

“Please tell me you’re kidding?” He sounded like he might puke.

“What? Do I ever kid? I’m serious,” Zolf answered, annoyed.

“But… she’s human! And she’s plain! And she’s a kid, Zolf. She’s not… developed, you know what I’m saying? I mean, I like women-women, you know? Like, maybe a hot little cyclops, or… oh! do you remember that goblin chick we met that one time? Remember her? Now, that was a woman. I mean she had a set, right? Not like—”

Oh, just kill me.

“Zolf,” Zelgadiss spoke. “Dilgear would prefer not to assist you with this particular task.”

A human male would’ve had the same reaction if asked to kiss a wolf chick, right? I mean, unless he were weird and into body hair or whatever. I mean, it’s not me being rejected here, it’s my genus. It’s not my fault he’s not attracted to women outside his species. Wait, goblins are outside his species…

“Hmph, Nunsa then!” Zolf was pointing at the fishguy. “You kiss her!”

“Me?” he asked. It’s a very weird thing to see a fish talk.

“Kiss her!”

“You wish for me to engage the human girl romantically?”

“Yes, kiss her! What else would you—never mind, I don’t want to know. Just kiss her!”

The fish fellow’s lack of enthusiasm was frustrating Zolf as much as it was hurting my feelings.

“Very well.”

“Wait—no!” This time I was doing the screaming. I would rather have gnawed my arm off at the shoulder than shake the fishguy’s hand. Kiss him? It was too horrible to contemplate.

“Yes! Do it! Lay one on her. Lock those fish lips on her like she’s bait, my good man!” Zolf was a one-man cheerleading squad.

Nunsa’s webbed feet made wet, slurping noises as he approached.

“No! Stay away from me! Stop it!”

“You are a very lucky human girl,” Nunsa assured me. “I am the most popular potential mate in my school. The smartest, the handsomest…” His fish whiskers wiggled.

“Oh, my god! Seriously? Where do you go to school?”

“Cry! Whimper! Beg me for mercy! Suffer as I have suffered!” Zolf certainly was enjoying himself.

Oh god…

Nunsa moved in close, “Now then…” His voice took on a peculiar tone. I was too horrified to reply. “Let us begin.”

No one understood exactly what Nunsa meant. Or, considering the nauseating possibilities, particularly wanted to.

“Is there a problem?” the fish man questioned the delay

“Um…” Dilgear wondered aloud, “Nunsa, what do you mean?”

Fishguy turned one eye and looked at the wolf.

“I am waiting for the eggs,” he said, as though that would make sense to anyone.

“I believe,” Zelgadiss theorized, “something about the word ‘kiss’ may have gotten lost in translation.”

I’d come to the same conclusion as Zelgadiss, which just added insult to injury.

Zolf looked completely lost.

“Nunsa, how do your people mate?” Zelgadiss inquired.

“Females lay eggs. Males fertilize the eggs. Then, some fifteen days later, there are babies.”

Figures. Their females don’t want to touch them either.

“Oh.” Zolf seemed disappointed. “You couldn’t have said something before?”

“Said something about what?” asked a bewildered Nunsa.

“Oh, never mind, ‘‘ Zolf said in an attempt to drop the subject.

“Zolf, I have an idea,” declared Dilgear.

Oh, this’ll be good.

“Get Rodimus. He’s a human, like her.”

“First of all, that’s not going to be as punishingly awful, now is it? Secondly, Rodimus thinks he’s a knight. He won’t mistreat a girl merely at my request. You know, chivalry and all that rot,” said Zelgadiss in opposition to Dilgear’s suggestion.

This Rodimus has to be the old guy.

“The girl is responsible for my condition. I will have vengeance,” whined Zolf.

“Maybe it’s time to let it go, Zolf?” prodded Zelgadiss.

“No, not yet.” His gaze drifted to Zelgadiss.

“Zolf,” Zelgadiss put an end to the discussion. “I have no interest in making little girls cry.”

“I know, but…” Zolf was nearly in tears. I actually started to feel bad for him.

Hey, don’t cry! It’s going to be all right. You’ll heal up! And how many times do I have to keep telling you people, I’m not a little kid!

“I have no choice…” It looked as if Zolf finally got the hint.

“… I’ll have to handle this myself,” Zolf concluded. I guess he didn’t get the hint.

“Now, then…” Zolf reached into his pocket and brought forth a giant handkerchief.

“W-what’s that for?” I freaked.

Zolf walked around behind me, where I couldn’t see.

“It’s for little girls who don’t know when to shut up!” he said, as he reached around and stuffed the handkerchief into my mouth.

“Ha ha!” he exclaimed, walking around to face me again. “Don’t have much to say now, do you?”

“Well then,” Zolf stretched his mouth into an unpleasant smile and began, “You are a runt.“

“Mmrmfph!”

“And a cow.“

“Mmmrugmf!”“

“You are a flat-chested runt cow… who is narcissistic.” He was having fun now, enunciating every epithet as though it tasted sweet on his tongue. “You are a shrew. Your eyes are too big for your face and it makes you look funny.” He went on, and on.

How dare he! If I didn’t have a tablecloth shoved in my mouth, I’d bury him! What’s not to insult? For starters, he’s a big old freak who can’t let go of a grudge. Besides the mummy business (and god only knows what’s under those bandages!)—he’s got teeny-tiny feet and he’s all bowlegged! Where does he get off insulting my proportions?!

“I believe you’ve just about covered it,” Zelgadiss said, sounding bored. “How much longer do you insist on prolonging this childish nonsense?”

“Until I feel revenged.” Zolf’s face reddened.

“Mmrpf! Mmmrumpfer! Mfumpfuu, muumrufferffuffer!” I couldn’t take it any longer. I was trying to tell him that I was going to kill him as soon as I had the chance, but all I managed to get out against the gag was, “Mmrpf!”

“How does it feel, being helpless?! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

One day, I will feed you those words.

Eventually, Zolf wore himself out, and he and the others went to find food and make arrangements for the night. The sun made its way across the sky until all that was left was a single ray of light colored bright orange by the remaining bits of window it passed through. Then that light faded, cloaking me in darkness, save for the faintest glimmers of starlight. My wrists hurt, my jaw hurt, and I was very, very tired. Somehow, I managed to fall asleep.

I awoke with a start, to the sound of someone entering the room.

“Be quiet…” Zelgadiss whispered.

Why would Zelgadiss be sneaking around in here? Isn’t he in charge… ? I still had a gag in my mouth so I pretty much had to be quiet. I waited, not understanding.

A white light flashed above me and I fell to the floor. Ouch.

“Your sword and mantle.”

“Eh?” Zelgadiss pulled the cloth from my mouth. No mistake—those were my things. “Why?”

“I don’t have time to explain. Do you wish to escape, or not?”

I nodded silently and took my gear.

“Follow me.”

I followed behind Zelgadiss, as quietly as possible. It occurred to me that this might be a trap, but even a trap was better than being suspended from that ceiling another night at the mercy of Zolf.

Outside, patches of moonlight illuminated a thick, dark forest beside the dilapidated structure. A stone path led from the church into the woods.

“Hurry!” Zelgadiss said.

“Wait…” I hesitated.

This was a little too convenient. I’ve always been a firm believer in the adage, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

“The situation’s changed,” he shot back urgently. “We have to go now!”

“All right.” I made the decision to trust him for the time being. We ran along the path into the forest. Then… we stopped.

Something crimson emerged from the darkness to block the forest path. From behind, I heard Zelgadiss mutter under his breath, “Rezo.”

The Red Priest stood before us.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing, Zelgadiss?” Rezo asked. “You’ve followed orders admirably up until now… but this? This is an act of treason.”

“Then I am a traitor!” Zelgadiss yelled. His voice was desperate. He was clearly afraid.

“I cannot do this any more!”

“Oh, is that so?” Rezo asked quietly. “I’m very sorry to hear That.” He seemed an entirely different person than he was at our first meeting. And I couldn’t read his thoughts at all.

“You’re turning against me, then? Have you forgotten that I made you? I blessed you with your power…”

He wha—huh?

“Blessed me?” Zelgadiss broke in. “I will admit, Lord Rezo, that I wanted power. But I never asked to become a chimera! I never wanted… this“

“One has to be willing to make sacrifices, pet. And I gave you what you asked for, in the most direct way possible. If you had something else in mind, you ought to have specified. In any case, I won’t tolerate impudence. This ends here.”

Zelgadiss grunted. He moved suddenly, circling behind me and grabbing hold.

“Hey! W-what the—?” We began to move forward like that.

Rezo grinned, amused. “Do you intend to use that girl as a shield? Fool, do you presume I have guilt about going through her to get to you?”

“No, I don’t!” Zelgadiss’ voice was quivering now. He compensated for the fear it betrayed by raising the volume. Right in my ear.

“Using the girl as a shield won’t help me much, which is why I’m not making her my shield.…”

He raised my body high in the air. Oh, no—he wouldn’t!

“Yaaaah!”

“… I’m making her my arrow!“

He did!

Zelgadiss launched my body toward Rezo the same way you’d hurl a ball in shot put! Even as I sped through the air toward certain injury, I had to hand it to him: It was an impressive strategy.

Rezo was surprised, of course, but he managed to sidestep the assault, which left me fast approaching lip-lock with a tree. It looked like I was going to get a kiss after all.

I flailed my limbs in midair in a vain attempt to alter my direction, or slow myself down… or something. It didn’t do much.

I hit the tree with an audible splat, my limbs flailing around, grabbing the tree like a cornered money.

Ow. My nose!

“Mom always said I’d wind up a worthless tree-hugger.” Even dizzy with pain, I could try to be a good one.

“We don’t have time for jokes!” Zelgadiss caught up and managed to get me down from the tree. With a flying sorceress as a distraction, he’d been able to blast past Rezo unharmed.

Just then, several fireballs detonated behind us. “Those should buy us enough time to lose him.”

“Gently!” I shrieked, as Zelgadiss heaved me over his shoulder and sprinted.

“Complain later!” he shot back, scattering still more fireballs and taking us straight into the darkness.

* * *

“I think we’ve lost him,” Zelgadiss sighed, letting himself breathe at last. We’d been running for most of the night and had finally come to rest near a waterfall inside the forest. The roar of the falls camouflaged our voices, allowing us to speak without worrying about being heard. I had to hand it to Zelgadiss—the guy had formidable energy reserves. He’d spent the bulk of the last several hours running while carrying me. All I’d done was feel my wrists ache and my nose throb.

Shortly, the sun would threaten to make its way over the horizon.

“My nose hurts,” I whined.

“Well then, quit picking at it,” he said.

“Not funny.” I stuck my tongue out at him and leaned back against the river rocks. The cool stones felt good. As fighters go, my size gives me better-than-average speed and explosiveness, but that’s offset by my lack of strength and endurance. I needed some sleep… badly. But morning was coming soon, and there wasn’t any time.

“Go ahead,” Zelgadiss said, watching my eyes droop. “We’re safe here, and we could both use a little rest. I’ll close my eyes, too.” Perfect!

“You’d be ill-advised to take off on your own while I’m asleep.”

Crap. Busted.

“You’re right. I’m tired, and my magic hasn’t fully recovered yet,” I reasoned aloud.

“So, that means it should recover soon?” he responded hopefully.

“It should. Look, I’ll give you my word I’m not going to take off without you while you’re asleep, okay? In exchange, before we nod off, you’re going to answer a few questions for me.”

Zelgadiss flashed a strained smile. “I suppose that’s fair. You’re deeply involved in this mess now; you have a right to know. Very well, where would you like me to begin?”

“Let’s start with the guy who calls himself Rezo the Red Priest—”

“Ah, so he’d already made contact with you?”

“Yeah, and I had a weird feeling about him. Who is he really?”

Zelgadiss shrugged. “He is the man he claims to be. He is the authentic Rezo the Red Priest. However, he’s not the man the world knows him to be. Perhaps, a long time ago, he was…”

“I don’t understand. How could he be the total opposite of what the whole world thinks?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes people believe what they want to believe. Do you understand the significance of the object he seeks?”

“Time out. Just so we’re clear here: He’s the one who wants to revive Shabranigdu the Dark Lord, and not you, right?”

Zelgadiss obviously didn’t understand my question. “Shabranigdu? What are you talking about?”

“Um… well, he said—”

“The object he desires is known by a great many names, but the most famous is the ‘Philosopher’s Stone.’”

Eeep! I was speechless.

“Th-the Philosopher’s Stone… ? Then… he, he could …”

Zelgadiss nodded.

“The Philosopher’s Stone is contained within the goddess statue that you briefly possessed.”

The Philosopher’s Stone… heard of it? You probably have. There’s not a single practitioner of sorcery who does not know of it and wonder at its legendary power. It is said to be a relic of advanced sorcery from a lost civilization, or,

alternatively a fragment of the Divine Staff that supports the world. The only thing known for certain about it is that it amplifies magic. Like, a gazillion-fold. Each rumored appearance of the Philosopher’s Stone has profoundly affected the course of human history. It’s believed that even an apprentice sorcerer in possession of the stone could wipe out an entire kingdom. Though it is a near myth, elder sorcerers insist that it’s real.

And, I’d actually held it in my hands!

“B-but, what does he want to do with it?” Even if the legends of Rezo’s goodness were exaggerated, the extent of his powers wasn’t. On his own, they were astounding, but with the stone… he claims he has no plans to conquer the world,” Zelgadiss replied. “He says he simply wants to see it.”

“He wants to see it… ?”

“Yes. As the stories say, Rezo was born blind. He began to learn White Magic for the sole purpose of opening his own eyes.

“Once he mastered White Magic, he traveled the world, visiting other sages, helping many people along he way. But, while he could heal the eyes of others, for some reason he was unable to heal his own. He began to wonder why his efforts were inadequate. So he studied Black Magic and then Shamanic Magic, hoping that they would provide him with sufficient power. He was talented and driven and he mastered these mystic traditions well. And still, his eyes would not open. Only one means remained.”

“The Philosopher’s Stone, which he probably wasn’t even sure existed.”

Zelgadiss nodded.

“Then… I don’t understand. Why stop him from getting the stone? What’s the harm in him acquiring vision?’’

“There may not be any. But my objective is vengeance. For that, I require the Philospher’s Stone. I am nowhere near powerful enough to defeat him on my own.”

“Rezo’s that powerful?”

He nodded silently. So, this was all about Zelgadiss refusing to be a pawn. Of course, I’d feel the same way.

“So, he… he is the one who did this to you?” I said, referring to his rocky skin.

“Yes. On that day, he told me he was granting me power so that I could assist him in his quest for the stone. And I… foolishly, accepted. I did not understand what he intended to do.”

“How did you know him?”

Zelgadiss’ mood changed as I posed the question. He broke out in self-derisive laughter. “I’ve known him since I was born. He is, it would seem, either my grandfather or my great-grandfather. I’m not sure which, and I don’t really want to find out.”

“For real?”

“I suppose he doesn’t look his age, but he was born over a century ago. In any case, the blood of the famous (or infamous, depending upon your perspective) Rezo the Red Priest does flow through my veins.”

“I’m… I’m so sorry I asked.”

Well, this is awkward. I gingerly rubbed my nose with a fingertip.

“It’s all right,” he said, not laughing anymore.

The weight of our conversation hung unbearably heavy in the air. How do you change the subject after something like that? So, how about this weather, huh?

“All right, well, I get the gist of it now, and I appreciate you filling me in,” I said, trying to sound chipper. “Let’s try to get some sleep,” I added, lying down on my side.

Ah, that’s the good stuff…

I looked over at Zelgadiss, who still stood upright. “Aren’t you going to sleep? You’re tired too, right?”

“I suppose, but I’ll stand watch for now,” he said. “I’ll wake you up after a while, and we’ll trade places.”

“That’s fine. Good night.” I closed my eyes. As tired as I was, it didn’t take long before…

* * *

I awoke, as I always seem to awaken—with a jolt.

I was certain I hadn’t slept for more than a few hours. I could tell from the position of the sun, and the extent to which my body had recovered.

The thirst for battle poisoned the air and penetrated my sleep. It wasn’t coming from one or two people. I figured it to be emanating from as many as ten, maybe more. Normally, I could be more precise about the number, but I was tired and groggy, and my magic was still on the fritz. Whatever the specifics, the enemy outnumbered us.

“We’ve been surrounded,” Zelgadiss said quickly. He didn’t bother lowering his voice. They already knew where we were, so what was the point?

“By whom?”

“Twenty or thirty trolls. Rezo’s not with them. We’ll manage.” He sounded unconcerned. I, on the other hand, was somewhat less than confident.

“You didn’t think we wouldn’t notice you was gone, did you? We gotta settle this, boss.”

Recognizing the voice, I rose to my feet, spotting trolls attempting to conceal themselves in trees.

“Well hello, Dilgear! Fancy meeting you all the way out here,” I shouted to the trees. “Why don’t you come out of there? Show yourself and greet me properly We’ll reminisce about old times. It’ll be peachy.”

The wolf-thing dropped from a tree much closer than I’d expected.

“You remembered my name,” he said, sounding sincerely flattered. That was weird.

“Like I could forget you!” I answered, staring him straight in the snout. “Aren’t you the one who found me so repulsive that you’d rather make out with a goat? Or was it a goblin? That’s right. You probably eat goats. Goats are for eating, goblins are for swapping spit. There was something about a cyclops, too, wasn’t there? Well, I can certainly understand why you’d favor a gal who couldn’t see too well, you know what I’m saying? Then again, what do I know? Apparently, I wish I were as hot as a cyclops. My skin’s rougher than a rock golem’s; I’m smaller than a pixie; really, I’m just an underdeveloped little—”

“Hey, hey, hey! I didn’t go that far.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway, because Zelgadiss is gonna kick your butt for insulting me, you’ll see! Go, Zelgadiss! The world is waiting for you! Show ‘em what you’ve got! Get ‘em!”

“Go on, now, we’re waiting!”

“Sic ‘em!”

“What… do you think you’re doing?” Zelgadiss was staring at me, arms crossed, a quizzical look on his face.

“Me?” I looked back at him, just as perplexed. It wasn’t as if I were going off on Dilgear just for fun—no, it wasn’t!—it was strategic! I was attacking the enemy’s morale.

Seriously!

“Dilgear, did you not swear an oath of loyalty to me?” Zelgadiss’ voice took on a surpassingly menacing tone.

The wolf-thing balked. “I didn’t swear loyalty to Zelgadiss,” he replied. “I swore to the berserker that Rezo the Red Priest created. I checked! The moment you betrayed Lord Rezo, you became my enemy, and I was relieved of any obligation to you!” Apparently, it’s in the manual.

“Oh, really?” Zelgadiss’ eyes narrowed. He certainly looked like a berserker.

“Do you really think you can take me? You measly dimwitted, half-breed, pathetic excuse for a wolf—” Wow. Remind me to stay on Zelgadiss’ good side from now on.

“Half-breed, is it? Has it come to that? All right, if that’s the way you want to play it, boss, I’ll show you what a stupid half-breed like me can do… Get ‘emmmmm!” Dilgear bellowed, and a phalanx of armed trolls charged straight at us.

Oh, holy crap.

A subtle smile appeared on Zelgadiss’ lips as he raised his right hand. I couldn’t see what he was gripping, but I could feel the earth starting to move.

“Dug Haut!” he shouted.

“Wah!” I rushed to his side and held on tight. The earth pulsed. It began to quiver and quake, and undulate like the surface of the ocean during a storm.

The trolls began to panic.

“Haaa!” Zelgadiss shook his right hand violently, a maniacal grin spread across his face. “Earth! Obey my will!”

Rocks and soil heeded Zelgadiss’ command. The undulating ground transformed into countless stalagmites, bursting through the surface and impaling the trolls wherever they stood.

Game over.

As great as their regenerative abilities were, their troll bodies failed to heal around the spikes, while the effort was wearing out their life forces fast. Their powers fading; they would surely die soon.

Not a good way to go, if you ask me. Then again, considering my stunt with the reversed recovery spell back at the inn, I wasn’t in any position to judge.

“Now then,” Zelgadiss retained his smile as he spoke. “You were saying… ? Something about how you’d show me what you could do… ? What can you do, Dilgear? Play board games… ? Defeat me at the game, Go?“

“Hmph,” Dilgear grumped from atop one of the stone spikes. He had managed to avoid impalement, but was clinging on for dear life. “I’m not impressed, you know. Real warriors don’t have to rely on stupid magic tricks.”

“Stupid magic tricks?” Zelgadiss was incredulous. “That was no trick, Dilgear. I moved the earth for you. What is it that you’re suggesting? That you could defeat me by the blade?”

“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.” Dilgear grinned.

“Let’s test that theory, shall we?” Zelgadiss drew his sword smoothly.

“You won’t cheat and ambush me with magic?” Dilgear had not drawn his own sword yet.

“I’ll do no such thing.”

“You’re going to regret that,” Dilgear promised, after hitting the ground and then rising to his feet. As he got back on

his feet, he drew the sword off his back. Its blade was huge and curved, and it gave off a fiendish light.

It was some sort of super-sized scimitar, the equal of which Td never seen. I retreated a little, agape at the sheer size of the thing.

“Arrrrrhh!” Dilgear let out an animalistic roar as he charged.

Zelgadiss leapt. He met the werewolf head-on. Their blades crossed, sparks flying. Though the smaller of the two, Zelgadiss began to force the wolf-thing back, bit-by-bit.

“What’s the matter, Dilgear? We’re sword-to-sword now. Like real warriors. Shouldn’t you be defeating me handily?”

“We’re just getting started here, boss!” Dilgear growled, changing the scimitar’s angle slightly, which forced Zelgadiss’ wrist and broadsword in the other direction.

The broadsword’s blade slid a short way before the scimitar Hashed out and caught Zelgadiss’ robe, cutting it open and revealing his chest.

“Not bad,” Zelgadiss complimented Dilgear.

“Thanks, boss. I’m going to hate to have to kill you, you know.”

“Thank you, Dilgear. I am going to hate to have to kill you, too.”

As near as I could tell, the two were equally matched as swordsmen. However, being as good as Zelgadiss wasn’t going to be good enough for Dilgear. After all, if it came down to his life being on the line, Zelgadiss could still use magic.

As to my personal opinion? I didn’t really care who won. Either way, I was going to be somebody’s hostage—Rezo’s or Zelgadiss’. And as far as either of them was concerned, I was merely a means to obtaining the Philosopher’s Stone, nothing else. That’s hardly an attitude to engender loyalty in a gal.

As the two circled each another, I considered taking the opportunity to run but quickly dismissed that idea, figuring that if Zelgadiss noticed, he’d send a flurry of fireballs in my direction as a parting gift.

“Hii-yaa!” Dilgear leapt into the air sideways, toward the pillars of earth, slicing through them with the full force of his giant scimitar.

Magic doesn’t last forever, and neither do things created by magic. Things created by magic lose stability the longer they’re around. Collapsing at the force of the scimitar’s blow, the pillars avalanched in Zelgadiss’ direction. The force of that fall started a chain reaction.

“Wah!” I gasped as I hustled to get out of the way of the second and third rapidly collapsing pillars.

Dilgear moved from column to column, helping them along. Zelgadiss’ relatively small form was quickly swallowed up in the dust storm.

Dilgear charged in after him.

Me, I sneezed. Not only was it hard to see, but it was pretty hard to breathe.

“Ugh…” I held my breath and used a handkerchief to filter the dust away from my nose and mouth. My eyes stung, and my throat itched.

At last the cloud began to settle, and both combatants reappeared.

Dilgear’s plan to blind his opponent may have looked impressive, even spectacular, but it hadn’t been properly thought out, which made sense given the wolf-thing was an idiot.

“What a spectacularly stupid stunt,” Zelgadiss said, feigning amazement. “Just when I was starting to respect you, Dilgear.”

“I take back what I said earlier, boss. I cant wait to shut that smart mouth of yours.” Dilgear screamed, renewing his charge.

I thought I saw Zelgadiss smile therefor a minute.

The two ran at each other with tremendous force. Zelgadiss’ blade caught Dilgear’s shoulder.

Suddenly, I understood the smile: Before, when it looked like Zelgadiss was merely evading Dilgear’s blows, he’d kicked a number of rocks in Dilgear’s direction while his lower body was concealed by the dust cloud. Of course, that wasn’t enough to bring down Dilgear, but it was more than enough to knock him off balance. And knocking him off balance was all that Zelgadiss wanted.

“What’s wrong? Wasn’t I supposed to regret this?” Zelgadiss’ voice dripped with sarcasm as blood dripped from the werewolf’s shoulder.

“Who says you won’t still?” Dilgear smiled.

My eyes widened. So did Zelgadiss’. The werewolf’s wound was healing itself as we watched. Just like that, a huge gaping wound knit itself up until you could barely tell there had been a wound there at all.

“I’m half wolf and half troll,” Dilgear reminded us. “Or did you forget? If you keep to your word and don’t use your magic, there’s no way you can beat me with a sword. It don’t matter how good you think you are, you’re not good enough to take my head off.”

He was right. Because he possessed a troll’s regenerative ability, there was no way Zelgadiss’ sword alone could defeat him.

“I see. You’re right. I did forget that.” Zelgadiss didn’t sound fazed, though. He returned to his fighting stance. This time, he took the initiative.

“Yaahh!” He raised his broadsword high above him.

Oh! Not good! Not good!

He’d exposed his abdomen and Dilgear wasn’t going to miss his chance.

“Gaa!” The scimitar hit Zelgadiss’ abdomen fiercely.

Blood splattered.

Or… blood should have splattered. Instead, the scimitar hit with a scrape and a thunk.

Zelgadiss smiled grandly where he stood.

“It seems there’s something you have forgotten as well, doesn’t it?” he said. “I’m one-third golem, you’ll recall. If you wish to defeat me with a sword, it had better be the Sword of Light. You cannot win this battle, either.”

Dilgear’s wolf-jaw fell.

“We can fight until you’re too tired to keep me from chopping your head off, or you can go back and cry to Rezo. You choose.”

“Hmph!” Rather than retreat, the were-thing brought something out of his pocket, holding it in a fist while readying it for a throw. The foreign object splashed as it hit the water.

“I won’t forget this!” That cliche was all Dilgear left behind as he vanished into the trees.

Zelgadiss watched him go. “That poor fool,” he muttered as he attempted to fix his now-terribly-disordered hair.

I clapped and whistled and jumped up and down, congratulating the victor.

“Wow, Zelgadiss! Well done! Woo-hoo!

Zelgadiss didn’t seem to be enjoying his triumph. “What… are you… going on about?”

“I’m congratulating you!”

“Ah, I see.” He gave up trying to argue and began walking slowly along the riverbank.

“Where are you going?”

“To get some water to drink,” he replied bluntly

“Oooookay. I’ll wash my face then.” I jogged up behind Zelgadiss. Because of his spell from earlier, the earth had been broken up randomly, making the jog a little difficult. Still, I made it to the riverbank, if awkwardly, then removed my gloves and dipped my hands into the water. Mmmm… the cold felt good.

Huh? What the… ? “Don’t drink it! It’s poison!” I screamed.

Either surprised by the volume of my voice or in preparation for a drink, Zelgadiss’ mouth opened wide.

“What did you just say… ?”

“It’s poison. It’s been poisoned! Look!” I pointed to the surface near some small rocks. A number of fish were floating there belly-up. They were most certainly not swimming, and I don’t think fish are into tanning.

“But, how?”

“Dilgear, remember? He was getting ready to throw something? It was probably a vial of poison. He must’ve figured that you’d need a drink. He tried to make the thing’s falling into the water look harmless by aiming for you at first, then seeming to give up.”

“Huh…” He sounded impressed. “Apparently Dilgear’s not quite as stupid as he looks.”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be falling all over myself to praise him if he’d just tried to poison me. Anyway, Rezo’s people know where we are now. You have any destination in mind beyond this?”

“None whatsoever.” He spoke slowly.

“Somehow, I’m not surprised. Well, that’s okay. You just follow me.” I began walking in the direction of Atlas City. I needed to find Gourry. That would change the situation a little. And if there was anything my situation needed desperately, it was a little change.

What had started off as an innocent treasure hunt had quickly become an ugly mess, with more characters gunning for my back than I cared to keep track of. It didn’t matter, though. Soon, I was going to be back to full strength, and then it would he payback time. But, for the time being, we kept walking.

* * *

Rezo and company pursued us fiercely They showed up twice in the morning and again during lunch. They showed up twice in the afternoon, and then they interrupted our dinner. And of course, they showed up while I was trying, at long last, to get some sleep.

Give me a break! This is harassment!

I mean, c’mon. It was getting to the point where it was almost comic! Like when you chop off the head of a hydra, and two more grow in its place.

And there were a gazillion varieties of pursuers, too. Whatever bad stuff you could say about Rezo, he was certainly an equal opportunity employer! I mean, trolls, goblins, cyclops, berserkers, ogres, and just about anything else you could think of or imagine. It was like a parade! Only instead of marching bands playing music, this parade had other-worldly creatures; and instead of playing music, THEY WERE OUT TO KILL US.

Eventually, it was our old friend Dilgear’s turn at the helm again. He had a new guy with him, a Mazoku of some sort. And a few war mantises and some durahans (death

knights), too. And about fifty ogres and berserkers, just, you know, for padding.

“Quite an army you got yourself,” Zelgadiss said in a voice that wasn’t as confident as usual. “Congratulations, Dilgear. Your mummy must be proud.”

I hated to admit it, but it was impressive.

“Thanks again, boss,” Dilgear grinned, taking a step forward as he showed us his teeth. “I owe you for last time, you know?”

Great.

Some pretty tough customers were in that group. On the other hand, tough customers are still flammable.

“You’re good, boss, but you’re not good enough to beat a hunch like this on your own. Nobody’s that good.”

I took a step forward. “Aren’t you forgetting someone?”

Dilgear scrunched up his face and thought hard, “Nah, I don’t think so.”

W-why the nerve of that… !

“Yes, you are, Dildork! You’re forgetting about me.”

“Who cares about you?“

The disrespect he dared show me was staggering. I considered displaying the extent of my powers (such as they were) in one spectacular shot.

“No, don’t—” Zelgadiss protested before I had a chance to do anything. He must have read my thoughts.

“Why not?”

“The whole point of sending one unit after another is to get us to exhaust our powers.”

“That makes sense.” Well, I’d just have to tone it down a little.

This sucks. No way around it… I drew my sword from my hip.

“How is it that they always know where we are, you think?” The question I let slip from my lips so casually had been building in my brain for a while. After all, even if they’d figured out we were heading to Atlas City, there were at least a dozen different routes there. How did they always know exactly which one we’d take?

“It’s because you’re with me,” Zelgadiss said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“How’s that?” I glanced over at him for clarification.

“I told you. My body was created by Rezo’s magic.”

Ah, I get it. Of course!

That is to say, Zelgadiss’ entire body had been magically marked. There was probably no way to stop Rezo from using him like a tracking device. Even my spell for blocking magical searches wouldn’t do it.

The only way I could think to hide Zelgadiss from Rezo was to reverse the fusion process. However, there was no doubt in my mind that this particular process was a Rezo original. And even as good as I am—me, super-genius pretty-girl Lina Inverse—there wasn’t a chance I could reverse it.

“So, no matter what we do, we’re going to have to face the Red Priest sooner or later?

“Yep.”

Well, that’s just great. Zelgadiss and I made a good team, but against someone like Rezo, even the two of us didn’t stand much of a chance. I figured at the rate we were going, it was only a matter of time before I ended up hanging from that church ceiling again. That’s what I thought at the time, anyway. With the stakes so high, I had only one choice.

All right, it’s showtime!

I began, from the back of my throat, to quietly recite an incantation.

“Fire… BALL!”

My first shot would signal the start of combat. In preparation for the attack, I brought my palms together in front of my chest. I’d kept the power on low, but a fair number of surprised ogres were still engulfed in flames.

The rest charged in unison.

I pummelled them with my next attack spell, Dig Volt. Though I was aiming for the demon at the vanguard, he dodged me. Instead, I caught the berserker behind him. I did manage to get the demon’s attention, however.

Oops.

Sure enough, he turned and started in my direction.

Fine! Try some of this!

“Flame Arrow!” As I called for them, a dozen arrows of fire formed before my eyes. “Flame Arrow, GO!” The arrows attacked the Mazoku from all sides.

Dodge that, jerkface.

“Kaa!” he yelled, thrusting his hands at the arrows coming at him from the front. The rest he deflected toward the sky. Somehow he managed to dodge them all.

In the meantime, everyone else was headed in Zelgadiss’ direction.

Sorry, buddy. Not that I was having a party, but still. As low ranking as he was, I was still waging war with a Mazoku. If you weren’t careful, you might have mistaken this demon for an old man. He wore a green robe, and his white beard extended from what looked like the withered face of a geezer—but he had no eyes, nose, or mouth. Definitely not human.

“Hmph!” A whip of fire extended from the palm of his hand.

I enchanted my sword with a cold spell and sliced away at the fire whip. It took me a few minutes, but I worked my way in, and soon we stood face-to… place-where-face-should-be.

“You’re an awfully young woman to take on the likes of Zorom,” he purred from his non-mouth. Honestly, I have no idea where his voice was coming from, but there it was. Who knew?

“You’re an awfully reckless demon to take on the likes of Lina Inverse,” I countered.

Zorom made a sound that would have accompanied a smile, had he a mouth to smile with.

I brought my palms together before my chest, leaping back as I chanted my spell.

“A fireball? You’re wasting your time and your energy, little girl!” Zorom declared.

“Maybe, but let’s just give it a go and see what happens.” A small ball of light shot forth from the space between my hands. I sent the ball of light in Zorom’s direction.

“Fwaa!” He sidestepped the shimmering sphere without any difficulty whatsoever. “Just as I said! A waste!”

From a certain perspective, he was right. True, a fireball that misses has no real effect, since fireballs explode on contact. But I wasn’t done yet. I raised up my right thumb, and angled it back toward myself. Then I smiled… partly because I knew what was coming next, and partly because I was happy to have a mouth.

“What’s that grin for?” Zorom asked as he casually descended to the ground.

Fireball at six o’clock. Sucker. My fireball swung back around, nailing him from behind!

“Aaaahhh!”

Fireball go boom.

Contact. Explosion. I’ve been writing spell variations since the day I learned my first chant. That boomerang effect was just one of many.

“Carelessness is a warrior’s greatest enemy, Zorom.” Too bad. Now to find Zelgadiss…

I’d spun my mantle round and turned to find my companion, when… a craving for carnage ran through me like cold steel.

I instinctively leapt to the left, but it was too late.

“Aah!” A stinging pain ripped into my right arm. I’d been pierced by a legion of steel needles. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I looked to find the culprit and—

Zorom was still standing.

“I didn’t say I was dead. Carelessness is a warrior’s greatest enemy, you know.”

Shit. I hated to admit it, but I had been careless. I could barely move my right side.

“Now it’s my turn!” Flame whips extended from both his palms. He aimed one at my head and the other at my feet. Switching my cold-enchanted sword to my left hand, I used it to parry the attack aimed at my head, and managed to dance away from the one heading for my feet.

I used to jump rope all the time, back in the old days. Guess I’ve still got some moves.

But… for that instant when I was in midair, Zorom’s forehead split open, and more silver glints than I could count rushed out, and then toward me. There’s no way I could dodge all of them.

Tink! Tink! Tink!

Huh?

I heard a sound like metal-on-metal, and needles fell to the ground like rain.

What the—?

“Fancy meeting you here, little lady!” he winked. “Miss me?”

Gourry. Yes! “I was wondering when you were going to show up,” I replied. And tried to look cool as I winked back.