Chapter 24: Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya

Chapter 24 - Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya

Johnny Hogan was minding his own business dropping acid in his living room while playing guitar. It was songwritin’ time!

“We rise in the name of Godzilla,

We rise in the name of Godzilla,

We don’t give a hoot,

We plunder and loot,

And rise in the name of Godzilla”

All of a sudden Johnny Hogan was struck by lightning. Not normal lightning either, man. It was a deep, shining crimson, very metal. Man I - er - I mean Johnny Hogan should use that image on his next album cover. Because Johnny Hogan is a real metal head with his own band - Tyrion’s Wrath.

Man Johnny Hogan was beginning to regret dropping so much acid because now he thought he was in some kind of forest. Johnny must have forgotten to take a left turn at Albuquerque. Johnny could really go for a slice of New York Pizza but he couldn’t see a bodega anywhere.

Man, I might not be in New York Anymore - er - said Johnny.

Johnny wandered around for a bit and started playin on his guitar. Whoa. Despite no amp plugged in Johnny was pulling off some sick riffs. Man, acid is one hell of a drug. Johnny thrummed and strummed and realized that he’d been knocking trees down. Oops.

Suddenly there were a bunch of people in front of me - er - I mean Johnny Hogan. Johnny counted eight people but maybe some of them were hallucinations.

There was a little girl, a dude in a knightly costume, a pirate, a woman with cat ears, a guy dressed like a chef at a Chinese restaurant, a scary lookin’ old lady with a stop sign, um…thing from Fantastic 4?

“Hey man,” I said, I mean, Johnny said. “Which way to the commissary? I’m hungry.”

The knightly dude brandished his weapon at me, I mean Johnny, whoa man is that a sword? That’s so cool, Johnny approves.

“See here, fiend!” He shouted, “You, you’re an off-worlder aren’t you?”

“Johnny Hogan is confused by what you mean,” Johnny Hogan said truthfully.

The child said, “Why’s he speaking of himself in the third person, Sir Victor?”

“He may be cracked in the head, “ Said the cat-eared girl.

“You might be right, cat lady,” Johnny Said. “I mean for one thing, cat ladies aren’t real - they’re things from Annie-May so none of you are real. Figmentations of Johnny Hogan’s imagination.”

Huh may be I’m in one of them eezer-guys that Saka-bro-to’s always goin on about. Those had big titty catgirls in them. Oh brother what if I got sent to a real scary world? I mean what if Johnny got - ah nevermind.

Johnny said, “Excuse me, how do you spell Sir in this world?”

The man with the sword blinked, “It seems to change on a weekly basis, but right now it’s spelt with an I.”

I nodded. Everyone knows that fantasy worlds that spell it Ser are usually dark, bleak, and grimy where bad people do bad things and there are no heroes. So maybe there was hope that Johnny Hogan could be a hero. I mean, this is a hallucination right?

The girl rolled her eyes, “He just said in this world, Sir Victor! That means he’s another one of them.”

“Ah, quite so.” The knight brandished his blade, “I shall show no fucking mercy, I am sick and bloody tired of you people showing up when I’m on some sort of important quest or other - ugh - just what the hells are we doing here again?”

The cat-eared woman said, “we are searching for the armor of invincibility within the Bleakenwood Forest.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t an armoire?” Said the lady with the stop sign.

“Of course it wasn’t, because I said so!” Said the cat lady

The knight sighed, “All right, let’s have it. What is your blasted cheat skill or superpower?”

Gosh, the only thing Johnny Hogan has had for a weapon was his music.

“Everybody knows music is a weapon, man! Generation X is in effect!” Johnny did the devil horns gesture and suddenly, whoa, a bolt of red lightning again! Man! That’s some wicked special effects.

Uh oh now they were really on guard, man Johnny messed up by shootin lightnin’. Or maybe they don’t appreciate Classic Arcade Games the way Johnny Hogan do. I raised my hands up.

“Look man, Johnny Hogan didn’t know he could do that, he swears!” He started playing the guitar, “Hey I’m just a metalhead! And…”

Oh no. Johnny Hogan realized something. He’d started a tray of chicky nuggies before he dropped all that acid, which meant his oven was still on. Johnny dropped to his knees.

“Oh man oh man oh man oh man,” Johnny was sweating bullets…huh? Literally?

Wait, why are there .357 magnum cartridges coming out of Johnny Hogan’s pores and dropping to the ground?

“What the actual f-” The non Vakman Victor dude said

“Johnny has no idea!” I said. Johnny said. “But nevermind, man, Johnny left the oven on back in the real world! Johnny needs to go home or his goose is cooked.”

A thorougly baked Christmas goose, complete with a platter, dropped to the ground. The little girl with the cool sunglasses took a big bite out of one of the legs, and the others followed suit…the moment Johnny Hogan had that thought, an armani suit appeared in his body.

“Zounds!” Cried the knight. “I fear his power is the ability to warp reality by the world taking him too literally!”

Johnny said, “Wait, you mean I gotta avoid usin’ idioms or somethin, like cock and bull story-”

A bull and a rooster appeared. “Ah shit.”

“Don’t even think them!” said the knight. “Fine, I’ll make you a deal - help us defeat whatever foe protects the armor and we’ll find a way to send you home.”

“Deal,” Johnny Hogan said, “What do I call all of ya?”

“Princess Lataya,” said the little girl with the cool sunglasses.

“Empress Lumi,” said the haughty hotty catgirl lady with, whoa, she has a really big sword. “These are my maids, Mot and Luna.”

“Whoa man, Johnny Hogan wasn’t expecting royalty, I am so thunderstruck!” Johnny got struck by lightning again, and keeled over. Someone was kind enough to heal Johnny. Johnny got up and let them continue their introductions.

“I am Rook,” said the rockman…a Japanese copy of Megaman appeared in Johnny’s hands. Johnny doesn’t own a Famicom so Johnny ignored it.

“Bok-Nam,” said the iron chef dude.

“Mrs. Kim, young man.” Said the dame with the perm of steel and the stop sign. She kinda reminded me of my grandma.

“Vicktormendorf von Ausgulten-bingen-bongen of Ulm,” said the knight.

“Whoa that’s a long ass name,” Johnny said, and he suddenly realized the man’s butt was starting to expand, panicking he added, “that’s a perfectly normal-size-ass name!” The expansion stopped, Johnny Hoped he didn’t notice his butt had gotten slightly larger.

The princess giggled, “You can call him Sir Victor.”

Ha, Johnny Hogan knows a guy named Victor and he’d never let anyone call him sir - like, ever.

So like with that settled Johnny and the hallucinations moved on through the forest until we came to a dark and foreboding ruin that remind Johnny of an album cover he saw. Or wait, was it something Johnny saw at Disneyland Fright Nights?

We went into the dark lonely cavern. Johnny was taking point because Johnny was still convinced this was a bad acid trip, which it totally was, right? Absolutely. For one thing I’m pretty sure giant mutant orca-headed four-armed monster that looked like something out of Dark Souls with multiple writing tentacles and pierced tits couldn’t possibly be real.

Huh? Damn. Johnny’s had a lot of bad trips but this takes the cake. A cake manifested. The monster started to eat it. Sir Victor dude and the Cat-eared empress seized the opportunity to attack it. Johnny started playing on his guitar and the monster shrieked in pain. The cat-lady cried out something like “By the power of grayskull” and finished the brute off.

The little princess said, “Mister Nam, can you cook it?”

The chef clicked his tongue, “I can cook anything.”

One of the blurry folk, some kinda wizard I think, said, “The armor should be in that closet back there.”

The Victor guy nodded, opened up the door, and said “Oh bugger me. It really is a damned armoire.”

Johnny started feeling weird. Oh. His hands were turning all see through, and everyone was looking at him.

“Well, guess I’m done hallucinating,” Johnny said. He knelt before the princess and handed her his guitar. “Here ya go champ.”

Cuz Johnny’s seen too many movies to not do a gesture like that, even if this is just an acid trip.

The world melted away, and Johnny Hogan found himself back in his apartment. His guitar was nowhere to be seen…that was a dream. Right? Right?

Oh! My chicken nuggets! Thank God, they’re cooked to perfection.

***

Victor said, “Gods damn it Barry. You really sent us on a wild goose chase this time.” he looked around sharply, expecting geese to fly about.

The mage, cried, “I said I was sorry!”

Lumi said, “And now we have to walk all the way back out of the forest. Empty handed!”

Princess Lataya said, “What do you mean empty handed?”

Music erupted in the air, just music, no fallen trees or broken stone - just a hard riff. Everyone turned her direction. She held an electric guitar in one hand and was making a devil-horns gesture in the other.

“Rock on!”