22_Mandatory cookies

"Prepare for battle! Man the walls, barricade the gates, get all the plants back inside the inn, move move move!" Jimbo shouted, barking orders as he pointed in every direction, trying to rein in some semblance of order among the panicking people.

Everyone was running around in panic like headless chickens. Falling down, rising up, then running quickly to execute their leaders commands.

"Herman, how are those crossbows you were working on?"

"Not ready yet, we never managed to scavenge all the materials..." The old man replied as he effortlessly kept up with the long strides of the giant.

"Beth, Beth! Where did… Ah there you are."

The two men quickly walked towards the center of the camp where the garden was located. There they saw an angry looking woman (“No surprise there” Herman thought) arguing with a big and vicious looking sunflower.

"No! I said, get back in the inn! There! That thing over there!" The woman gestured, emphasizing each word, trying to convey to the dimwitted plants that they should get away to safety.

"Rustle rustle, hiss growl." The big sunflower gracefully articulated.

"Don’t you dare hiss at me you overgrown weed!" Beth barked back, reaching for her sword.

"What’s going on here, we don’t have time for this, the raiders are gonna be on top of us any moment!" Jimbo called out.

"Urgh!" Beth grunted with frustration. "I am TRYING, to bring these dumb vegetables to the Inn where it is safe, but all they do is snarl at me!"

"They aren’t snarling, they want to join the rest of us with the defense. They want to protect the garden home." Herman helpfully translated, before the situation could escalate.

Beth, Jimbo, and the sunflower chieftain tilted their heads (or best equivalents) to look at Herman with surprise.

"You can understand what that thing is saying?" Jimbo asked with raised eyebrows.

"Of course I do, I thought everyone did." Herman said, equally as surprised.

"Oh and, “It” is a "He" actually. This is “Heart of the sun” the garden’s chief plant. He speaks for the rest." Herman said, gesturing at the rest of the garden where a variation of plants from all shapes and sizes waited with apprehension. Uprooted from the soil and tilting their bodies here and there, nervously shuffling in place as the sounds of the mechanical vehicles came closer and closer.

"I… amm…" Jimbo mumbled, unsure of what to think or do about the apparently quite intelligent plants. "Ah fuck it! We accept your help." The giant said, reluctantly extending his palm forward.

Without hesitation the chiefly sunflower shot his bulky vines at the hand and firmly shook it. The two leaders exchanged gazes. Heartsun’s bulbous head nodded with respect. However the human leader struggled not to show his true feelings of the thinking plant. He averted his gaze and quickly let go of the viney appendage.

After the moment passed, Heartsun turned around and snarled an incomprehensible jumble of growls and leaf rustles to his people.

Everyone from the garden sprang into action. Numerous vicious looking plants with bulbous heads and rows of razor-sharp teeth split up from the group and joined the startled humans with the defense of the camp, helping with carrying equipment, barricading the walls and gates and so on.

At first the humans were confused, but they have long ago accepted the dimwited plants into their camp, and by now they all looked at them as something akin to puppies rather than anything too dangerous.

However at the signs of the plants showing human like intelligence, the mood of the worker gang members visibly shifted to one of caution and distrust.

At the same time the rest of the garden, unaware of the shifting dynamic of the camp, proceeded to retreat back into the safety of the inn. That group consisted mostly of decorative colorful flowers, leading worried saplings and sprouts by their tiny branches.

“Alright.” Jimbo said, shaking his head at the uneasy revelations. "let's man the walls, we have to make sure the…"

BOOM!

The water cistern raised on a makeshift tower above the center of the garden exploded in a vortex of green plasma fire. The metal melting and the water vaporising before it even had the chance to touch the ground. And the impact and subsequent shock wave pushed everyone off their feet.

"To the leader of the camp!" A booming megaphone boosted voice spoke from the direction of the raider horde.

"According to the updated Terms Of Service of the internet metropolis, you are invited to a short greet and meet for a mandatory exchange of cookies. Refusal to comply will result in further warning shots."

___

The meeting took place midway between the camp and the raider invaders. Herman, Jimbo and Beth wearily approached the group of 3 internet pirate leaders who patiently waited for them to approach.

"Man, you are a big motherfucker aren’t ya. What did your parents feed ya, machine oil? Waghaha!” The raider leader tactfully noted.

Jimbo for his part remained silent, staring down at the stumpy, but very much muscly raider leader.

"Oh the silent type are we… Fine have it your way, shut up and listen then." The raider leader pulled out a digital tablet and began reading.

"As previously mentioned, we are re..re..required by LAW to give you apple time… no that doesnt… ah AMPLE, ample time before we the internet raiders proceed with this law sanctioned and approved legal attack."

"Amm… what els.. Ah yes." He then pressed his sausage like finger on the tablet display and slowly scrolled to the end of the document.

"In further ac.. accordion of the law, we are OBLIGATED to give you these complimentary data cookies."

"This concludes this legal document."

"Pfew…"

The raider chieftain puffed with equal parts relief and exhaustion. Reading this convoluted legaleese nonsense was akin to chanting demonic script with your ass…

An exhaustive and daunting task to say the least, or at least he thought so.

After recovering, the raider snapped his fingers. "The cookies!"

"Right away boss." The second in command wheezed with a gravelly ghoulish voice. He pulled out a plate filled with digital cookies, then tripped on his skeletal feet and threw the said plate at Jimbo.

The plate shattered at his metal chest armor, spilling the cookies and porcelain shards into a cloud of pixels that didn’t even manage to reach the ground before disappearing.

Jimbo on the other hand didn't even flinch, just continuing to stare down at the raider leader with barely contained rage.

"Alright! Now that this bullshit is out of the way, I think it is time to introduce ourselves." The raider leader said, completely ignoring the fumble of his second in command.

"I am Big_Chungus_88, and the leader of this newly formed and fully legal raiding party." The man said, puffing his chest with pride and completely ignoring the murderous stare the giant was still giving him.

The raider leader was basically a hairless dwarf. Short, muscular and loud. Though for some reason lacking any sort of bodily hair whatsoever.

"And these two behind me are my generals: My second in command: Scull_Crusher_15. And…" The raider leader visibly hesitated. Finally with a grimace and reluctant voice he continued. "And, this is my third in command… Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16…"

Skull Crusher looked like your stereotypical skeleton with a flaming head. Leather spiked jacket, tall and thin white flaming bones, a grinning skeletal smile with a few golden teeth and piercings.

Behind the flames you could clearly see a huge tattoo of a skull painted on his actual skull. Pretty ordinary stuff really. In fact, compared to the raider leader and the other general, he was downright mundane in his avatar choice.

"Sup." The general wheezed, his expression carefree and a bit hazy as if his attention wasn't entirely there.

Quickly putting the ordinary raider aside, the gazes of everyone else landed on the final general: Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16…

It was an ordinary human girl. She looked about sixteen years old. Mad Dax goggles resting on the top of her head, wearing a worn-down coat paired with similarly scruffy attire. She had short light brown hair, the inner layers dyed in shades of purple and pink, from which presumably came the girl/raider/general’s name.

Compared to her other two companions, the girl just looked out of place in this situation and setting.

"Whatcha looking at punks!? A? You want some of this?!" The girl barked, pulling out a shock stick and waving it threateningly. Electric bolts crackled along its length, promising violence and pain. An action that made the two other raiders to involuntarily flinch back.

"Amm… Miss… Aren’t you a bit too young to be involving yourself with such shady individuals." Jimbo said, not able to keep silent any longer at the sight of the innocent young girl standing side by side with the burly men.

Simultaneously Big_Chungus_88 and his subordinate Scull_Crusher_96 closed their eyes with reluctant acceptance, mentally preparing themselves for the upcoming mayhem. Clearly this was a sensitive topic that has been discussed multiple times in the past.

"Young? YOUNG?!" The girl squeaked. "I will tell you with 100% certainty that I am old enough to shove this shock stick so far up your a…"

"AAaaa enough already! No more of this nonsense!" Big_Chungus_88 waved his hands in the air with frustration. Silencing his unruly general before the situation could escalate out of control.

"These two are my generals for a reason. They have proven to be the strongest and toughest from my entire raider horde. They wouldn't be standing side by side with me if they didn't know how to handle themselves." Big_Chungus_88 said with exhaustion, clearly having enough of his infamous general’s antics.

"That being said, you have 1 hour as per the legal document to prepare for our attack. Consider this your official warning."

"Why are you even here? The gates are that way if you haven't noticed." Beth said, pointing to the side in the direction of the mentioned gates. "We have nothing worth fighting for."

"Oh we know very well where the gates are. However we aren’t approaching all the weird shit that is happening over there without proper preparation. We intend to slaughter each and every one of you, then spawn camp you till we get enough experience to level up 10 or 15 levels. THEN, we will be strong enough to face whatever digital fuckery is happening at the gates."

“Don’t take it personally though, we just need the XP, that’s all. We aren’t the bad guys here, we will just stay for a bit and then leave you people alone.”

"Phahahah!" A booming laugh rang through the meeting place. "So what you are saying is that you intend to be butchering us no stop, for days or weeks, and you want us not to take that personal? Phahaha, oh why I am not surprised."

"What idiotic nonsense are you going to say next. Will you also charge us for the honor of being your victims? Maybe slap a fine on us for not dying fast enough? Ah people’s stupidity never ceases to amaze me…"

At the open laughter at his authority and great plan, the cheerful demeanor of the raider leader began to darken.

"You will respect me boy, or I will teach you to respect your betters." Big_Chungus_88 growled menacingly at Herman.

"Or what?" Herman laughingly replied, still unable to fully contain his laughter. "You gonna kill me 102 times instead of the legally approved 101? How old are you anyway, 10, 12? Only a spoiled foolish kid could come up with such an idiotic and unnecessarily cruel plan, and then apologize for it like it is just a slight inconvenience for us."

"Youuu!" The raider leader threateningly growled, reaching for his plasma pistol.

"No, he is right!" Flufy_Pink_Unicorn said. "This plan is stupid. No matter how many levels we gain from this, it still won't guarantee us success over the weird shit happening at the gate. Not to mention it is unnecessarily cruel and inefficient plan. Why don’t we go with my idea? It has much more chance to succeed with…"

"Silence!" The leader shouted. "I will not hear another word of this plan of yours. It is lame and boring."

"But it will…" The girl protested.

"Not another word!" The leader cut her off.

"Humph!" The pink general crossed her arms and humpfed with frustration.

"You have had your warning. Prepared or not, after 1 hour we are attacking." Big Chungus said with finality.

And with that the negotiations came to their end.

___

"I should have tried to negotiate a better deal. All I did was stay there and stare at that psychopath." Jimbo lamented, on their way back from the meeting.

"Forget about it Jimbo, Stumpy over there wasn't going to change his mind no matter what we said. It was just a formality so he wouldn't get sued or something. I can clearly recognize the corporate stink on the bastard. That legal document bullshit was no doubt some farce agreement between Generica and Escaldia’s Internet. Just a pretense of peace. He was going to attack no matter what."

"Yeah, I guess you are right. We have to prepare for the attack somehow, those weapons of theirs though… We don’t even have crossbows, let alone anything better. I guess we will have to improvise something…" The giant said with a somber tone.

"Herman, what do you think, do you have some doomsday device hiding in your mud hut that could help out? Herman?"

The old man didn't hear any of that though. His mind was fully occupied with the strange raider girl. Yes she was a bit weird, but there was something else about her… The way she said certain words, her expressions and fiery nature…

All of it was suspiciously familiar… but from where?