24_Generalisimo

2 hours after the raider warning…

Herman was still alive… Barely… The mayor’s message portrayed him in very unflattering light. In fact it made him appear as if he was swindling the whole camp for their lunch money…

In hindsight, sharing it with the whole camp without knowing what the message contained was not such a good idea. The Mayor calling him the leader and everyone else his minions, didn't improve the situation either… Combine that with his already bad reputation for associating with machines, and whatever trust remained from the camp and its inhabitants was now completely gone.

Everyone hated his guts, and he was surprised his head was not already mounted on one of the spikes along the camp barricades.

After a short but intense shouting and blaming match, Jimbo and Beth let him off the hook, unwilling to deal with his schemes at the moment. Still, it was more than clear that after the current crisis ended, his time in the worker gang camp would be over.

They would either kill, or banish him. It was not like Herman hadn't decided to leave even before that, but still it hurt that things turned out so jaded in the end. Despite everything, he had hoped this might turn out to be something meaningful and long lasting. But it seemed it wasn't to be.

Also, he would have to leave Staple and Topo behind. That above all was what hurt the most. During his brief time here, he had come to value the company of the two mechanoids more than he himself realized. He had found a pair of kindred spirits in them. He even considered the two robots his friends, something his hermit-like nature rarely allowed.

In any case, things were what they were, and there was no sense lamenting over the facts. Hell it wouldn't be hard at all to change his proxy and come back to visit Topo and Staple later. Yes that’s right, where there was a will there was always a way.

___

5 hours after raider warning …

Everyone in the camp wore rusty old armor. Still the Mayor’s gift wasn't entirely useless. Despite the gear being obviously second hand trash, it was also sturdy and miles above what they previously had. Still, only Cthulhu knew how the fantasy attire and weapons would fare off against the techno barbarians outside the camp…

…

The defenders moved with precise, practiced coordination, thanks to Beth’s weapon training. In addition nobody seemed even slightly winded from all the intense physical work during the camps preparations for the attack. No doubt a direct result of the intense physical training Jimbo had insisted on.

Meanwhile, Herman had been outsourced to their plant contingent. Nobody else seemed to trust him or the plants, plus he alone was capable of understanding what they said.

The plants turned out to be quite industrious, using their gardening skills they managed to dug up quite a substantial mote around the camps walls. Then by utilizing the magical fish figurine, they eventually filled it with water. That is where Herman came in…

Poke poke.

"Rustle growl hiss." His two plant companions helpfully articulated, poking him with the blunt ends of their rakes and shovels and urging him to hurry the fuck up.

"Urgh fine, FINE." Herman groaned in frustration. “Summon fish.”

Immediately as if by magic a decently sized and plump piranha materialized from his extended palm. It flopped in the air for a few seconds and then plopped in the mote. To the cheers of his other plant audience who rustled their peddles in excitement.

"Sigh… Summon fish…" Herman grumbled once again as the process repeated itself. The newly created fish with needle-like teeth looked confusedly, then joined its million and one other brothers and sisters inside the mote.

Herman didn't really know how to feel about this spell of his… Yes it was quite useful, he could materialize practically an inexhaustible food supply. And despite him testing out the ability, it had no weaknesses whatsoever. It didn't use mana, it had barely any cooldown, and the fish tasted delicious. Oh and also he could summon any kind of fish. The grumpy shark floating along the piranhas inside the mote being proof of that. Or at least the parts of it that were still in one piece…

Herman yet again sighed… Yes it was useful, but… He didn't choose the spell... He didn't earn it! It was just there, given to him for nothing more than existing. Hell he wouldn't have even noticed it was there, if Slippy hadn't reminded him of its existence…

Was the universe mocking him? He lived to challenge himself, to explore a new system or craft, and then bash his head against it. And then, ONLY then! He would enjoy the rewards for his efforts.

And this?

This felt like he was some privileged spoiled brat who cheated his way to success simply because he was super duper special… and rich, also very rich.

"God dammit, was Beth right? Am I the bad guy here?" He mumbled to himself.

Poke poke!

"Rustle shake squeal!"

"Yeees yees!" Herman moaned, as he yet again got rudely interrupted from his existential crisis.

"SIGHHH… summon fish…"

___

7 hours after raider warning…

Night had fallen over the neutral zone, the faint light of the cubical moon illuminating the radioactive desert. The celebration at the improvised raider camp had finally came to its culmination and eventual end. It truly was an amazing event, filled with danger, drama, and excitement. The customary drinking contest was a particular highlight.

The proud leader of the raiders was finally dethroned from his drinking championship streak by one of his minions. After which the minion was promptly executed, thus the title of the best drinker was once again retained by Big_Chungus_88.

At the same time his two generals weren't staying idle either.

The ghoulish Scull_Crusher_15 won the chain smoking competition with an astounding 58 smokes fitting in his mouth at the same time. After managing to puff out a single cloud of cigarette smoke, the champion collapsed into unconsciousness, but not before beating all of the competition.

Similarly, the last general wasn’t a pushover either.

Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16 had single-handedly defeated every challenger in the arm-wrestling competition. An event that stirred particular excitement among the crowd, as they watched burly brutes in spiked leather attire fall one by one to the tiny teenage girl’s might. Attempts to hide their shameful tears only made the crazed girl laugh harder, her manic cackling echoing through the desert camp and inflicting irreparable psychological damage to their fragile egos.

This and many more exciting events happened during the celebration. But eventually all good things came to an end. After the event was finally over, the raiders (the ones who could still stand on their feet that is) slowly began to disperse and go back to the internet.

"Hey hey! Where do you Hic, think Yarr GoIng!? We grlurgh… have a BATTLE to fight!" Big_Chungus_88, the mighty and very much drunk leader of the raiders shouted at his departing minions.

"Whaaa…?"

"Ba ba hic battle?"

His faithful subordinates elegantly responded.

"Yes a battle! The thing we all came here in the HIc Place! Come on ya lazy bastards! Form lines, man the vehicles, brandish your weapons! Aho aho ahooo blargh!” The raider leader howled, rousing his half-conscious minions into action, before falling down on all fours and violently vomiting a vibrant colorful rainbow.

____

"Waaaghahah!"

"Lalalal!”

“Trolololo!"

"Fight fight fight!!!"

This and other incomprehensible drunken calls came from the distance of the raider camp.

"Here they come…" Said one of the camp defenders manning the barricades, his voice steady and resolute, bearing his crossbow and preparing for what was about to come.

"Alright everyone!" Jimbo roared. "The moment we have been training for so long is finally here. The enemy is at our doorstep. They want to destroy everything we have build, they want to take our lives, to take away our home! Are we gonna let them?"

"Noo!" The crowd responded.

"ARE WE?" Jimbo yet again asked.

"NOOOOO!!!"

"YOU ARE GODDAMN RIGHT WE WON'T! Hold your ground, show no mercy, and make them regret ever daring to mess with the worker gang!"

"WRAAAAAaaaa!"

___

Kitty_Lover_456 wasn't having a good time. Well, actually he was having a GREAT time, but now he was dearly paying for all that partying. He could barely see straight, things kept multiplying and shifting in front of his eyes. Why did the world had to be so difficult? All he wanted to do is watch cat pictures on the internet. Then one thing led to another…

And somehow he found himself among a band of pirates, besieging an unnamed camp in the desert…

The boss wanted to push through with the attack, despite everyone being so drunk that they barely remembered their names. It was for honor and duty he said…

Kitty_Lover_456 knew better though… It was because they all had school in the morning and they couldn't waste time sobering up…

Ah well, what was a raider to do… At least he had it better than the others. While everyone else could barely walk, he had a nice comfortable seat with a prime view at that. Those mortal suckers who used their legs to trudge along were no doubt jealous of his awesome power!

Yes.. Yes they were…

"YAAAAWNN…."

And with those thoughts in mind, Kitty_Lover_456 hunched down at the wheel of his battle-bus and promptly fell asleep.

BOOOOM!

The buss, along with its 57 raider bear-serkers collided with the barricades and exploded into a miniature green mushroom cloud. Needless to say that all 57 raiders bear-serkers + the driver got instantly vaporized into pixels.

The resulting shock wave drove both defenders and attackers to the ground.

However Kitty_Lover_456 unfortunate death wasn't in vain. His noble sacrifice had opened a huge hole in the enemy’s defenses.

___

"Arghaha! Didn't I tell you that I had a plan!" Big_Chungus_88 said to his two generals with glee, as they stood atop a nearby sand dune, commanding the course of the battle.

"Awesomeee!" Scull_Crusher_15 wheezed with his characteristical raspy smoker voice. His eyes gleaming with sparkly light from the explosion of the buss's plasma reactor.

"You call this a plan!? That incompetent driver of yours single handedly eliminated my best men! Those bear serkers were stronger than the entire raider force combined!" Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16 shrieked.

"Wooow dudete, chiiil… Just enjoy the pretty lights. So prettyy…" The other general said, trying to pacify the angry girl and passing her one of his cigarettes.

"Don’t you dudete me you junkie! Also get that thing off my face!" The teenage girl snapped back, slapping the hand of her colleague.

Scull_Crusher_15 took no offense. He had quickly grown used to Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16’s antics. Instead, he bent down to pick the cigarette off the ground, popped it into his mouth, shrugged, then continued to admire the pretty lights.

"That’s it, we have to call back the attack. Half our people have already fallen unconscious. And they haven't even reached the barricades! They are all fucking drunk!" The girl squeaked.

Big_Chungus_88’s big ears twitched from the angry squeaking of his unruly general. If only she wasn't so god damn clever, he would have gotten rid of her long ago…

"Miss Pink, a REAL battle is fought with grit, muscles and most importantly, MANLINESS!" The raider leader sagely explained, flexing his manly bulging muscles at the stick like figure of his girly general.

"We are STRONG manly men, we have no use of your girly ways and those tact-ics and battle formulations you keep insisting about."

"It’s formations!" The girl shrieked. "I swear to Cthulhu you can’t even pronounce the word, let alone grasp the concept."

"I grasp as much as I choose to." The leader said evasively. "Besides, we don’t really need any of those fancy foundations of yours in order to beat these newbies."

"It’s FORMA… Sigh…" The girl started, but then reconsidered and facepalmed instead, abandoning her attempts to reign some sort of order among the chaos before her.

After a long moment of contemplations and existential crisis of all the choices that led her to her current predicament, Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16 got her hand off her face and examined the battle again.

The girl frowned, her expression that of disgust…

They… they were winning!

Despite their best forces being a rapidly dispersing cloud of pixels, all of them being drunk/drugged, and the lack of any sort of organization or tactics. They were ACTUALLY winning!

The girl clenched her teeth, a deep frown plastered on her face.

"There there dudete." Scull_Crusher_15 said, compassionately patting the bewildered girl on the back.

Noticing her distress Big_Chungus_88 couldn't resist the "I told you" trope.

"See, nothing to worry about, we will be done with this before its time for scho… am, I mean before the next business day."

"Kakhem, when you have gotten enough experience in such matters as I do, you start to get a sense for these things. As long as we are all in the same party and someone is left fighting, the XP will flow to all of us. You see now, the genius of my awesome plan!" The raider leader said smugly, akin to elderly master imparting ancient wisdom to his young disciple.

Flufy_Pink_Unicorn_16 completely ignored the bullshit the raider leader was blabbering. Instead she kept staring at the distant battle below. Where just a handful of raiders were single handedly overpowering and entire camp of people.

"B..but, HOW!?"