Chapter 6

An Ulterior Motive: Suppose a Guy Gets Himself Hospitalized to Ogle Nurses All Day

A few days after the monster incident, Allan Toin Lidocaine was summoned to a very imposing room in the palace, unable to disguise his trepidation.

“Sorry for making you wait, Allan.”

When he turned toward the voice, Allan found a high-ranking officer in a perfectly starched uniform taking a seat at the desk before him.

Someone this high up called me in? …What’s going on?

With his mind reeling, Allan snapped to attention, and the officer began to explain.

“Allan Toin Lidocaine, was it? I’m told you proved yourself versatile and dynamic in this latest attack. You’ve saved many lives.”

“Wha…? Th-thank you, sir!” he squeaked, taken aback by this sudden barrage of high praise.

“Your performance was of immeasurable value to our army. I can see why your family has been so decorated… You’ve certainly exceeded our expectations for their eldest son.”

Allan was starting to think this was somewhat undeserved. But the officer’s next words cleared that up.

“You see…there’s some vexing chatter around town—people saying they were rescued by ‘some random girl in town for the festival.’ …Stories about her slapping monsters around bare-handed or making meteors drop on them…nonsense, of course. I imagine it’s been spread by scum attempting to undermine the army’s reputation, ha-ha-ha!”

Oh, I get it… They have to save face. They can’t just admit an outsider saved the day, so they want to make me into their hero.

Their plan was to prop him up and attempt to override the rumors circulating among the peasants. Allan wasn’t sure about this. After all, he’d seen the truth with his own two eyes and knew how much worse things would have been without them.

“That’s why we’d like to offer you some sort of reward. We’ve heard tell you’re interested in rising through the ranks…and I imagine that it would be the talk of the town if someone from the decorated Lidocaine family went directly from an officer cadet to a commissioned officer.”

Allan thought about this. It was certainly what he’d wanted. All he had to do was say yes, and he’d have his promotion.

But that’s the old me.

Around and around in his mind, he couldn’t let go of Lloyd’s aspirations of being a cool soldier.

Which meant…

“…………Heh.” He grinned and went with what his heart said to do.

“If I might offer a suggestion—”

Meanwhile, Choline was waiting for someone outside the school campus.

“—Yo, sorry to keep you.”

She turned to find Chrome standing there, his square frame dressed in a military uniform.

“—Ha-ha, I knew that would look good on ya!” She gave him a few hearty slaps on the arm before a wistful look crossed her face. “—You doin’ this for Merthophan?”

“Something like that. I feel like I could have stopped him, somehow.”

“…And…where is he, exactly?”

“Heh, so you did have a thing for him.”

“Wha—?!” Choline turned bright red.

“Heh-heh,” Chrome chuckled. “Even I could tell… Although I bet ole stone-face never had a clue.”

Choline’s foot punted Chrome right in the butt.

“Gah!”

“Let me be clear, Chrome. We may both be teachers here, but I’ve got seniority. I tell ya to go buy a yakisoba sandwich for me, and I don’t wanna hear a peep from you. And no coming back with a croquette sandwich just cause they’re out!”

“Oww…ha-ha-ha, harsh.” He rubbed his butt.

After she’d recovered her cool, Choline dragged the topic back to her question. “So, where is he? What’s he up to?”

“Don’t spread this around…but he’s been sent to the frontier. Forced to labor in the deadliest conditions, I hear.”

“Hard labor?”

“In a sense…but it’s not his body that’s being pushed to the breaking point.” Chrome trailed off, staring into the distance—toward a certain village.

“—It’s his values.”

At said frontier, Merthophan was standing in a kitchen, washing dishes with a trace of desperation in the village of Kunlun.

The sweat on his brow wasn’t from hard labor. It was more of a cold sweat.

A natural reaction. After all…

What’s with this damn village?!

Gorging themselves in front of him were just a few of the villagers, each every bit as terrifyingly powerful as Lloyd himself.

“Merthophan’s a decent cook, but I miss Lloyd’s risotto, for sure.”

“Yeah…but I hope he’s doing all right. Our weak little chicklet…”

“Hey! No need to be rude!”

“Ma, you say that now, but you beat him in arm wrestling years ago!”

“““Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”””

Merthophan was getting good at washing dishes even as his eyes popped out of his head.

They call Lloyd weak…

The village chief appeared behind him, her pigtails bouncing up and down.

“Merthophan! How ’bout ya clean up my second villa next?”

“…Certainly,” he squeaked, his voice cracking and creaking in fear.

He couldn’t get used to the horrifying power lurking within this girl. Merthophan followed after her, a good three paces behind, being careful not to step on her shadow.

“Well?” she asked. “Getting used to this place?”

“…Never,” he replied, eyes practically popping out and rolling to the back of his head.

She laughed wryly. “Well, I hear tell the demon lord did a real number on you, accordin’ to Marie… Figured this village would do wonders for any lingering guilt or gloom. Sweet kid, huh? I’ve always liked that about her.”

“………” He grimaced (feat. bug-eyes).

“Anyway, after you’ve finished cleaning, we’ll need help with the wheat fields. I’ll have you know our people ain’t good at managing the details, so if you can learn how to handle all that, it’ll be a big help.”

“Wheat?”

“Darn right. Wheat that you can harvest year round.”

“Huh?”

Merthophan (feat. bug-eyes) clearly looked like he had no idea what she was talking about, so Alka pointed at the field in the distance.

The wheat was a lovely shade of gold, clearly ready to harvest.

Impossible…it was still green when I arrived!

(Side note: Wheat can be harvested anywhere from early summer to midautumn, depending on the climate. Definitely not all year long.)

The chief of this so-not-normal village filled him in.

“You see, the locust demon lord near about caused a famine on the entire continent a little while back. So I used a few runes to improve the plants. And once we’d distributed it everywhere, it seemed like a real pain to go back, you know, so we’re still growing it. But that means we’ve got to harvest, like, every month, so managing the fields has been a real hassle!”

The grumbling in the latter half never reached his ears.

“…The wheat…that saved the continent…”

“Anyway, when villages are hit with natural disasters or droughts, we take this wheat to ’em. Look after it well!”

“Wait, you mean—?! During the famine! The one who brought everyone wheat was—?”

Alka held up a hand. “Don’t ask. But…think of it this way: The locust demon lord might just revive someday, and we’ll have less people turning out like you. Well, that sure motivates you to look after the wheat, doesn’t it?”

She grinned at him. There were tears gushing down his cheeks.

“I…I will! I’ll make sure it grows right!”

His stone face had crumbled completely.

Alka nodded, satisfied. “Anyway, I reckon we’re gonna work you hard until those stiff face muscles and the inside of your head are nice and soft… Might be pretty rough for someone with as much common sense as you.”

“—Very.” Merthophan bowed his head low.

Alka waggled her fingers and turned toward her home. “Oh,” she said. “Clean up that house there. I’m gonna go teleport back to Azami real quick.”

“……gerk.”

With tears freely streaming down his face, the word teleport made his eyes roll back again, as a trail of snot dripped from his face.

Alka vanished, leaving him laughing emptily as the snot dried in place.

“Ha-ha…teleporting…ha-ha-ha.”

If this village banded together and started an invasion, the rest of the continent wouldn’t last a month. That much was clear to him. Merthophan squinted, staring into the distance as he smiled.

“—Thank god for peace,” he said. “Ha-ha-ha.”

The spring breeze brought the smell of ripe wheat as it brushed across his cheeks and caused the field to ripple under the wind.

His tears were already dry.

Back in the general store, Marie was in her usual chair, sipping coffee, a relaxed smile on her face as morning sunlight streamed through the windows. She glanced at a clock, as if she was expecting someone—which was when Alka teleported into her closet.

Pushing through the clothing hanging inside with practiced ease, Alka straightened out her pigtails and made sure her outfit was in order.

“Oh, good morning, Master.”

“Morning, Marie. How’s the king doing?”

Alka checked herself in the mirror, then spun toward Marie with a smile as her pigtails flounced on her head.

“Much better. Thanks to you… His biggest injury is in the arm Lloyd batted aside, but it’s on the mend.”

Marie took an elegant sip of coffee. Alka pattered over and plopped down on a chair next to her as Marie slid a cup of coffee loaded with milk and sugar in her direction.

“I reckon you’re not going back to the princess thing?”

“…Well, I sort of got used to living here,” Marie admitted sheepishly. “Better than getting forced into some political marriage.”

“I see…and…” Alka was starting to fidget.

Marie grinned and pointed to the back. “Hee-hee-hee… Lloyd should be changing into his uniform at the moment. The start of your adorable boy’s adventure. Give him a moment to get ready.”

But no sooner had the words left her mouth than Alka leaped to her feet, crystal in hand, making a beeline toward the room in back.

“Whoo-hoo! I can’t wait any longer!”

“Wha—? Hey! He’s still changing, loli Grandma!”

Alka pushed Marie away and flung open the door.

“………Eek! Wh-what are you doing here, Chief? I’m changing!”

Lloyd let out a very girlish shriek. His uniform was only half on.

“I reckon it’s perfect timing!” Alka bellowed, spurting blood from her nose as she began using the crystal to record all sorts of compromising and illicit images without his consent.

“Master!” Marie yelled. “You can’t record this! Lloyd, hurry up and get yourself decent!”

“Bweh-heh-heh… You’re sure easy on the eyes! Nothing like a uniform half on! You know how long I’ve waited for this?! It was worth all the work I put into it!”

Alka’s display of depravity made Marie’s head light up with an idea. Oh lord. If only she was wrong.

With that dim hope in mind, she asked, “Master…is the reason you wanted Lloyd to enlist…?”

“Darn tootin’! The delectable contrast between his feminine features and that manly uniform! That’s why I made him read all those military novels! …It’s perfect! It’s destroying me!” she spouted, covered in her own blood.

Marie shot the grandma a look of contempt. “You’re the absolute worst,” she spat.

But Alka’s dumb military fetish had inadvertently saved the kingdom, so she couldn’t be too mad.

Lloyd yanked his uniform on at last.

“Marie! Thank you so much! I’m finally a soldier…an officer cadet, at least!”

He looked so happy that all of Marie’s gloom vanished into thin air, and she smiled back. “That’s great,” she agreed. “But who got you enlisted?”

The matter with Merthophan had been kept top secret. Before Marie had a chance to use her authority to argue on his behalf, he’d already received orders to join the academy. Thanks (?) to this strange event, she was able to avoid the thorny issues of keeping her promise to make Selen his roommate or the Sir-Lloyd-will-do-anything ticket, but Marie was left wondering.

As these thoughts ran through her mind, the shop door slammed open, and Selen and Riho came tumbling in.

“Oh, Sir Lloyd! I’ve been longing for the day when the two of us could walk to school together!”

“Yo, Lloyd! Lookin’ good!”

Their arrival was met with a suspicious look from Alka, whose nose was still bleeding.

“Who are you…?” she asked.

Selen’s look was equally wary. “Who are you…?”

Riho looked dubiously at the chief but also broke out in a cold sweat. “…Uh, yo, this kid’s even more dangerous than Lloyd…”

Lloyd happily introduced everyone, missing the tension in the room.

“Um, this is the chief of my village, Alka. And these are my friends, Selen and Riho.”

Riho looked slightly bashful to be introduced as a friend, but Selen’s frown stayed put. As did Alka’s.

“Friends?” Alka growled.

“For the moment,” Selen purred.

Each had instantly identified the other as a rival, and their glares were equal to two boxers facing each other in the ring.

“Knock it off, Selen… This little girl’s even worse than Lloyd. Seriously.”

If Riho had been Selen’s cornerman, she’d have thrown all the towels on hand.

Selen’s eyes went hollow. “We’ll love each other against all odds,” she intoned.

Meanwhile, Alka was sneaking up behind her, plotting something nefarious.

“…I reckon it’s best to deal with vermin before they cause any harm…if I use these runes, you’ll get the runs for days and your anus will sting like the day after you’ve gorged yourself on spicy food. Being trapped in a toilet stall for three days and three nights will make even the love of the century fade…”

Marie caught just enough of this brutal threat to snap into action. “Master! You can’t—”

But even as she tried to stop the loli grandma from ruining Lloyd’s celebration…

Slap!

“What?!”

The cursed belt around Selen’s waist reached out and smacked the back of the hand that Alka was using to write the runes. Slapped like a child trying to sneak a taste of dinner, the chief blew on her stinging hand.

“Oh? Chief? Were you trying to do something? I’m afraid your evil deeds are useless in the face of the red string of fate binding Sir Lloyd to me—the bloodstained belt!” Selen looked proud.

Alka gave the thing a once-over. “Th-that’s the skin of the Divine Beast, Vritra!”

“Uh, Master? What’s that?”

“A legendary artifact from Kunlun that protects the one who wears it from all forms of malice!”

“How does she have—?”

Alka rubbed her forehead, explaining.

“You see, I decided to make some homemade pasta for Lloyd ages ago and used the skin as an apron. And before I knew it, I’d gotten it mixed into the dough. I was all like, ‘Since when is flour so hard?’ and used Excalibur to slice it, then I boiled it and slapped some tomato sauce on it and sautéed the whole thing, and it wound up cursed, but I didn’t wanna just throw it out, so I put some metal bits on it, called it a cursed belt, and sold it to some merchant for pennies…but how is it here?!”

“It’s called karma, loli Grandma.”

A new visitor stepped into the shop, another figure who was oblivious to tensions rising within.

“Pardon me!”

Standing there was Allan. The moment Lloyd saw him, he ran over, bowing low. Everyone else blinked at this deferential treatment.

“Allan! I can’t thank you enough for this!”

This unusually polite greeting left everyone looking at one another in confusion.

Riho darted over to Allan, demanding to know why he was getting special treatment. Let’s pretend her jealousy wasn’t at all transparent.

“Yo, Allan…why are you here? Since when are you and Lloyd close?”

“What else, Mercenary? I’m the one who got Lloyd enlisted.”

“““Hunh?!”””

Everyone gawked at him.

“You see,” Allan explained, “Lloyd saved my ass during that monster attack. I ended up running around trying to help, and the higher-ups wanted to reward those efforts. And I suggested they could repay me by allowing Lloyd to join us.”

“…Where’d all your talk about promotion go?” Selen asked.

Allan looked sheepish. “W-well, I’m not in as big a rush anymore. And making Lloyd’s hopes and dreams come true is the least I can do. As his student.”

“Student?”

“Well, he hasn’t actually accepted me yet. ‘I’ve got nothing to teach anybody,’ he says.”

Selen stepped forward, surrounded by a pitch-black aura. “I see…so you’re the root of evil? The one who ruined my plans to get Lloyd enlisted and force him to be my roommate as a reward? The one who swiped the rights to the Sir-Lloyd-will-do-anything ticket?”

“…What the hell are you talking about?”

Alka had been watching all this silently, but suddenly, her entire body started convulsing. “……Lloyd is cute enough,” she muttered. “I reckon I should’ve been on guard against this threat from the get-go…”

“Um, Master?”

“All righty, time to level the country! I reckon all rotten oranges must be exterminated!”

“Loli Grandma! You can’t treat entire countries like rotten oranges! Stop! …Hey, people! Hold this pip-squeak down! She’s gonna destroy the country!”

Allan refused to help the efforts to restrain the little girl with an exasperated expression. But his following words just made everything worse.

“Now, now, witch lady. I’m not laying my hands on any little girls! Mm? Wait, I’ve seen her…”

“You tellin’ me that you’re resisting the temptation of a girl…as cute as me?! This guy is the real deal!”

Marie blew her fuse, all the while wondering if Allan was deliberately winding her up. Her bellow echoed through the shop. “Arghhhh! Go home, loli Grandma! The rest of you, go to school!”

Hearing the shouts down the street, her neighbors on the East Side all thought: “Another busy day!” “Proof that all is peaceful.”

“Oh, good morning! I’m off to school!”

No one realized the boy—Lloyd—spouting greetings as he passed, had protected all of them.

After all, that was the stuff of fiction: Suppose an ordinary boy from the neighborhood shop was secretly the hero who’d saved the country.