Chapter 1

A Head-Tilting Dilemma: Suppose Your Mixer Was Attended Only by a Very Lackluster Crew

“Siiiiigh…”

The next day, a sleep-deprived Chrome stumbled into the faculty office to find Choline Sterase sighing deeply while staring at a list of names.

“…………”

Raising an eyebrow at this depressing welcome, Chrome frowned at her, then grabbed a scrap of paper and dropped it in front of her.

“Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh…” Another deep sigh caught the scrap of paper, sending it wafting away through a sunbeam across the row of desks.

Three and a half yards… This must be a bad one.

The arc of the paper was a good measure of the depth of the problem.

“Good luck with that,” he said and attempted to skedaddle, pretending not to have noticed. But no sooner did his hand touch the door than Choline’s voice pierced him in the back.

“Chrome! You’re s’posedta ask what’s wrong!”

Escape thwarted.

Choline spoke with a rapid-fire accent from the western reaches, and ordinarily, she was fresh-faced enough that she could be mistaken for a student. But today she was glaring balefully at him through her brown bangs.

Hopes dashed, Chrome’s square shoulders slumped.

“Yeah, I…just didn’t see a way to help.”

“You see a girl in trouble, you gotta try and help! Be a little more sensitive! Even if you can’t do squat, just having someone to talk at can really help a girl deal! Take a hint!”

Her cries echoed through the office. People turned to look, wondering if there was some sort of emergency, but they all just went, “Oh, Colonel Choline,” and went back to work.

Chrome had been unfortunately selected as her sounding board. This must be how a hostess feels dealing with a bad drunk.

“So what’s the problem?”

“Chrome, you ever hear of the Continental Student Sorcery Tournament?”

“Uh, sure. Huge tournament; draws from every military, sorcery, or agriculture school across the continent.”

“’Zactly. And you know where it’s being held next?”

“Afraid not.”

Choline sighed dramatically and shoved a multicolored leaflet toward him. “It’s here…right in Azami.”

The leaflet fluttered in the gust of her sigh. The words Kingdom of Azami were definitely written on it.

Chrome felt like he should really have known they were hosting an event of that scale, so he made his square frame as round as he could. “I—I see…,” he mumbled.

“Forget about it! Outside of the people involved, the majority of the populace don’t even know it exists. I mean, Azami ain’t exactly known for magic. Nobody cares!”

“Hmm, true enough.”

Like Choline said, the people of Azami had never really been interested in magic.

This was a kingdom developed by commerce, so they tended to benefit more from advances in weaponry and science.

Magic tended to be more of a focus inland, in regions as yet undeveloped or with limited access to iron. But in Azami, the only magic really valued was that used in ice production.

“A tournament drawing the greatest talents the world over might get some attention, but one for students? It might be a big deal elsewhere, like in Rokujou, but here? And as a sorcery instructor, that just makes me sad.”

Chrome finally began to see what Choline was worried about.

“So you’re working on…?”

“Who to enter. We’re hosting, so we gotta make a decent showing!”

Azami’s military academy had an entrance exam that emphasized physical skills and relegated magic to a written test. It was like giving someone a group of students on sports scholarships and telling them to put together a team for the choir competition. A disaster in the making.

“We mostly teach countermeasures for dealing with magic crime. But when it comes to actually using it…”

“And we thought war was brewing with Jiou, so nearly all the cadets have muscles for brains! That’s why I’m stuck here running through the background intel on the new students.” She glared at the list of names again.

“Well, what about Selen Hemein?” Chrome said, pointing at a girl’s name. “She’s from a local lord’s family—might have studied a spell or two.”

The picture next to the name was a blond girl with a short bob, smiling quietly. At a glance, she looked rather reserved.

But Selen Hemein had spent ten years with a cursed belt wrapped around her face and had become a local legend—the Cursed Belt Princess, they called her.

Thanks to Lloyd, the curse had been broken, and it was now an artifact waiting at her hips for a chance to protect her.

Because of this, she was entirely devoted to Lloyd. Tales of her stalker-ish escapades had elevated her from a local legend to a living one. A classic tale of wasted beauty.

“Hmm,” Choline said, folding her arms. “I asked Selen once if she knew any magic…”

“Oh? What did she say?”

“Said she didn’t but was definitely interested. Wanted to at least learn some healing spells. I mean, having someone who knows those is totally welcome and all, but she only wants them so she can heal her crush if he gets injured! I s’pose I was once prone to such pure intentions myself…”

“Liar.”

“It’s true! I was super passionate about learning healing magic!”

I meant the part where you called yourself pure… Chrome controlled the impulse to voice this thought; stepping on an avoidable land mine would just draw this conversation out even further.

“Well, I guess she’s a candidate anyway… Oh, also, you’re in for a long lecture on how pure I used to be later, so brace yourself.”

A bead of cold sweat ran down Chrome’s cheek. He brushed it aside and began attempting to change the subject.

“I bet this could be a good teaching challenge! You’re our healing magic expert, Colonel Choline! Rokujou Sorcery Academy’s reputation may have fallen in recent years, but any graduate of that school is still a bona fide elite! I wish I’d had a teacher like that!”

“……”

Choline just fixed him with a pointed stare. Desperate to alleviate the rising tension, Chrome hastily pointed at another name.

“Oh, what about Riho Flavin? She’s a mercenary. She’s probably picked up a spell or two. Certainly knows how to fight a mage.”

Chrome had pointed to the single most evil-looking girl on the list.

Riho Flavin. The one-armed mercenary. Her beady eyes made malicious smirks look natural on her, though her massive mechanical mithril arm looked out of place on her slender frame.

She’d only enlisted in the school as part of a deal to escape a warrant out for her arrest, but she was more interested in money than she was in training.

Choline glanced down at the list. “I’ve asked her about it, too.”

“Oh?”

“She put a price on the intel.”

“…In character, at least. Hard to tell if she doesn’t want to answer or is just strapped for cash.”

“Yeah, could be both. But if she can make that mithril arm function, she’s got to have a natural capacity for magic.”

“Mithril, huh? How’d she end up with something like that anyway?”

“I’m curious myself, but it’ll have to wait till your next paycheck.”

Her gaze made it clear he’d be the one paying for that intel.

Ignoring this, Chrome pointed at a male student. “Well…what about Allan?”

He’d indicated a big guy with a cocky grin.

Allan Toin Lidocaine. From a heavily decorated family, he was a pretty tough guy.

Once conceited and prone to picking fights, events had led to him declaring Lloyd his mentor and revering him.

“Just look at that face! Muscles for brains,” Choline dismissed, right off the bat.

Chrome stared at the picture again. “Yeah…,” he admitted.

“In general, girls are better at magic,” Choline muttered. “They say maidenhood and magic power go hand in hand.”

“Uh, then…”

It seemed like Choline wanted to imply she was a maiden, but knowing full well she couldn’t even be trusted to wash her own dishes, Chrome ignored this.

His finger wavered awkwardly over the list for a minute…then finally landed on one final face.

“…Can’t forget him, can we?” Chrome clearly hesitated to suggest him at all. He’d pointed to the very bottom of the candidates—to Lloyd. He quickly glanced around to make sure no one could hear them. “Lloyd can use ancient runes. His raw magic talent is probably head and shoulders above everyone else…and possibly the rest of the body parts and those of several other people’s.”

“Hell no!” Choline snapped.

Chrome looked surprised at the vehemence in her tone. “Uh…why not?”

“Think about it! This kid goes in front of a crowd of people from all across the world and starts tossing off runes? He’ll have an army of scouts breathing down his neck. Rokujou would definitely be recruiting him hard. Might even wind up with mad scientists wanting to experiment on him and discover the secret behind his strength!”

Mad scientists? Sounded like she’d been reading too many comics. Normally, Chrome would have said as much, but…

“Yeah… I can actually see that.”

After witnessing Lloyd’s power with his own eyes, pretty much anything seemed possible.

Frustrated, Choline messed up her hair.

“And he’d be so outta place! It’d be like bringing a racehorse to face off a bunch of kids at a sports festival. The kids would go home crying, and their parents’d be so pissed. I don’t wanna win like that!”

Chrome had no response to that.

Choline folded her arms, making her mind up. “Right! I’m gonna do a proper diagnosis for magic abilities, then run a class teaching everyone basic spells! Maybe there’s some hidden talent out there! Okay, that’s that! Better start getting ready! See ya later, Chrome!”

Having solved her problems on her own, Choline stormed out of the office.

“See? I didn’t do anything,” Chrome muttered.

Yawning, he turned to start his actual work…when his eyes lit on the tournament leaflet.

“They’re having trouble making people care about it, huh? Maybe there oughtta be an extra prize of some kind.”

One thing sprang to mind immediately. That Holy Sword.

Oh yeah… That would count as a proper channel for announcing it, for sure. An official prize from the Azami government.

Having found a way to unload his personal problem, Chrome quickly finished up his work and headed to the tournament offices.

A short while before Chrome and Choline’s conversation…

The cadets were all in a lecture hall, slumped in their seats. Chrome, the instructor from hell, had spent the morning doing his best drill-sergeant routine and worn them all out.

Two hundred push-ups, three laps around the campus, maneuver training carrying the full weight of a military march… Each of these alone would have counted as an effective punishment, but somehow, they’d all made it through.

Perhaps not alive. They were so drenched in sweat, they looked like they’d come straight to class from a swim meet. Only Lloyd Belladonna was waiting for the teacher’s arrival with any vitality in his expression.

“Oh boy, I’m so excited! Magic class!”

Riho gave him a little side-eye, then peeled herself off the desk. “You’re certainly in a good mood,” she observed.

“I am! I’m finally a student here, which is what I always wanted! I’m enjoying every moment of it!”

Circumstances had conspired against him, and he’d failed the entrance exam. He’d cleared the physical portion too fast for the eye to see—and since nobody had seen it, he’d failed.

But after everything had settled down, he was finally allowed to join as a special exception. Naturally, he was thrilled.

“I feel the same way!” Selen said, throwing out a thumbs-up so hard it was positively quivering. “Oh, to share classes with you, Sir Lloyd! Oww…” Apparently, she’d actually strained her thumb.

“Sit still,” Allan warned. “The whole point of lectures is to let your body rest.”

He sauntered up from behind Lloyd with his “cocky jerk” vibe somewhat dampened by the rigors of the school’s training. Even with his family’s military history, this morning had been brutal. Claiming that lectures were time to rest was certainly the sort of idea that justified Choline’s “muscles for brains” evaluation.

Meanwhile, Lloyd just looked downright guilty.

“You’re sure this is right? I mean, giving everyone such a light workout just to make sure I can keep up… Maybe I should tell Chrome to work us all harder…”

Lloyd could cross the continent on foot in a week’s time, so this training had been like a stroll in the park.

Please don’t! You’ll kill us! shrieked Riho internally.

The other two quickly changed the subject.

“M-magic class should be a lot of fun! Working out all day can be such a snore! Right, Selen?”

“Exactly! I am positively sick of exercising, Allan!”

Lloyd proved sufficiently distracted. “Yeah!” he agreed. “I wonder what class will be like?”

Seemed like they’d escaped the threat of extra workouts for now. All three breathed a sigh of relief.

With that settled, Riho began explaining the mechanics of magic class. “Sorry to dash your hopes, but Azami isn’t really big on magic, so this really is a way to take a breather. We kinda just sit and listen to Colonel Choline chatter away.”

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the door slid open and…

“ATTEN-SHUN!” Choline came bursting in, all fired up, also in drill-sergeant mode. This was clearly not going to be a chatty day.

“Why’s everyone lying around like a bunch of princesses?! You maggots have to earn the right to rest! You there! No talking!”

Choline had clearly lost her mind again. Oblivious to the class’s horrified looks, she launched into a fiery lecture.

“Good news, everyone! We’re canceling magic lectures! Instead, we’re gonna spend a few days practicing magic!”

Riho instantly threw up a hand in protest. Her entire face screwed up with confusion. “Uh, Colonel Choline? We’ve been told that cadets didn’t need the ability to use magic, just the knowledge required to fight magic crime. When did that change?”

“Weak sauce, Riho! Sure, practicing something you may or may not learn is less effective from a public safety standpoint than learning countermeasures…”

“My point exactly!”

“But wait, there’s more! By learning firsthand how difficult these skills are to obtain, you will deepen your understanding on those countermeasures and improve your capacity to deal with the criminals in question! Also, there’s a magic tournament coming up, so I need to find people with the potential to enter it, but that’s entirely beside the point!”

“…There it is. The actual reason,” Selen muttered.

“Oh, right, that’s in Azami this year,” Allan said. “I suppose they don’t want the army looking too shabby.”

Lloyd raised his hand. “Um, wouldn’t the upperclassmen be better for this? Who entered last time?”

An obvious question, but the answer was even worse than anyone expected.

“Oh, the last round of contenders started swinging their fists before anyone got a spell going and were disqualified for rules violations.”

“You suck at picking people.”

Choline ignored Riho pointedly, giving the room a glare. “So anyone with a good head on their shoulders and the ability to use a spell or two is in. Welcomed with open arms.”

Seemed like her standards were set so low they were almost underground. Riho began seriously worrying about the future of the kingdom.

“Well, the reward won’t be worth it, so I doubt anyone here will be interested in—”

Snap! Snap!

“—guess they are.”

Riho’s grumble had been interrupted by the audible crack as Lloyd and Selen snapped to upright positions, hanging on Choline’s every word.

Common sense never really applied to either of these two. Lloyd with his inhuman strength and Selen with her stalker tendencies weren’t about to let low standards bother them.

“I get that Lloyd takes everything seriously and is curious as all hell…but why are you in?” Riho asked.

Selen ignored this. Hand raised high, she asked, “Colonel Choline! I really, really want to learn healing magic! I want to heal the man I love when he gets injured! And thus, tie the knot!”

Her cheeks were ever so slightly flushed. If healing injuries tied the knot, all doctors would be polygamists.

“…Geez,” Allan said, shaking his head at her ceaseless delusions. “You’re better off carrying a bandage around…or maybe just rubbing random grasses on it. Be more likely to work than a spell cast with ulterior motives…”

“How dare you! When I become this kingdom’s premiere healer, I won’t give you an autograph.”

“You sure dream big… I mean, have you even cast a spell before?”

Selen just shook her head, appearing exasperated. “What a stupid question. I can’t even use a single one,” she declared proudly.

“Why are you bragging about this, again?”

“I am a blank slate! A clean white canvas! One waiting to be painted in Lloyd’s colors!”

Clearly, her brain was packed with lewd fantasies.

“Geez… What do you think, Lloyd?” Allan asked, a note of exhaustion creeping into his tone.

Lloyd just looked confused. “Er, I’m totally lost here. I’m not any good at magic or anything, so I really respect anyone who can use fire or healing spells.”

This only got Selen even more worked up. Like adding fuel to her stalker fire. “Understood! Colonel Choline! Teach me some fire magic, too!”

Respect = Love was an equation only a stalker brain would formulate, and Choline looked ready to scold her for it. “It’s not that easy…”

“It’s not that easy, Selen,” Riho interrupted. “Fire magic is the easiest to remember but also the most dangerous. Explosions can cause a major fire, and if you fail to convert the magic energy properly, you could implode.”

Riho had stolen the words right out of Choline’s mouth, and she was left with nothing to say. “Mm” was all she managed.

Meanwhile Selen wasn’t letting Riho’s arguments get the best of her.

“Then healing spells! Those won’t bring any risk with them!”

“Yeah, but healing—”

“Nope, m’lady, healing spells are the worst! Even pros take a year of training to heal an ounce of body mass! Take a pinch of your midriff, then imagine spending a year of your life just to heal that! And if you don’t use the spell just right, you’ll leave bits of dirt and rock to fester inside the healed wound, requiring expensive surgery afterward. It never ends!”

“O-oh…”

The specifics were finally enough to silence Selen.

Seeing this, Choline forgot about her drill-sergeant act. “Whew,” she said, sounding impressed. “Riho! You sure know your stuff. Leaving dirt in a wound is a common early mistake in healing magic, but I’m surprised you knew that.”

“Uh, well…” Riho scratched her cheek awkwardly. Maybe she’d gotten a little too worked up.

“If it’s that hard, all the more reason to take advantage of Colonel Choline’s expertise,” Allan said, trying to smooth the situation over. “After all, she’s the best healer in all of Azami. With her teaching you…”

Choline’s ears twitched when he said best healer, and she snapped back into her drill sergeant character.

“Right you are, Allan! As a reward, you can come over to my house and screw the drain pipe!”

“I don’t just go for any wet hole…,” Allan objected, entirely flummoxed by this shocking return.

“Healing magic sounds really cool! I’d love to learn it, too!”

“You’re such a good boy, Lloyd! As a reward, here’s a coupon for a free donut at the café!”

Lloyd’s comment elicited a response not from the drill sergeant, but from the normal Choline. Maybe she should work a little harder on the whole character-consistency thing.

“That’s some preferential treatment!”

“Shut it, fleabag! You have the nerve to talk back to a superior officer? You like donuts with that mug? Is there a young maiden inside there?!”

She was steadily deteriorating from drill sergeant to just plain mean. Allan’s eyes filled with tears.

Meanwhile, Lloyd looked down at the coupon, saw For couples only written on it, looked bemused, and then stuck it in his back pocket.

At this point, Selen’s mind had finished converting the entire conversation in her favor and piped up again.

“If I learn healing magic, I can go to a donut café with Lloyd and do this and that… Mwa-ha-ha-ha… I’m in!”

The donut café would object to this. Please.

But Selen’s enthusiasm just got Choline even more worked up.

“Well said! Choline’s Healing Boot Camp is gonna go off!”

Riho just propped up her head with her arm, eyes half-lidded. She was clearly past caring. “So what’s the plan, specifically? Generally, people take a knife to a plant, but…”

“No time to take it slow! We’re gonna start by trying to heal a real person’s injuries! You can even keep the spell formula open for all I care. You can’t beat practice and experience!”

“Eh-heh-heh. So we need injured people, then?” Selen started shoving Allan toward the hallway.

Outside the class, Allan was quickly stripped half-naked. All eyes locked on him.

“Wait, what the hell are you doing, Belt Princess?”

“Oh, look, we have here a man famed for being all tough!”

“Hell no! Don’t you dare! Hey! Don’t stare!”

But if anyone stepped in, it would be like they were volunteering to get hurt.

“Don’t worry! Your face basically has a gaping wound, so this may be your one chance in life to become handsome!”

“What? I’ll have you know I’m considered quite dashing! Wait, Colonel Choline?”

He’d turned to find Choline next to him deploying a spell formula. The flames wreathing around her fists certainly didn’t look like a healing spell…

“We can’t get anywhere in the Continental Student Sorcery Tournament without coming together as one—and without a few sacrifices!”

“Coming together? Sacrifices? Isn’t that super contradictory—GAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

Ultimately, his injuries proved too severe for any healing spell, and Allan was sent to the hospital.

Class was canceled.

Around the same time, on the North Side—the gateway to the Kingdom of Azami, filled with souvenir shops, restaurants, and luxury hotels, all revolving around the tourism industry.

In a room at one of those luxury hotels, a woman with an intimidating aura was seated commandingly on a couch.

She wore a gray suit that had clearly been custom tailored. On the slender side, with long, glossy black hair, she was likely in her midtwenties.

But it was her eyes you noticed first. As provoking as they were provocative, their single most defining feature was the kind of arrogance capable of irritating literally anyone she made eye contact with. Think the kind of woman who would never make it in customer service, no matter how beautiful she was.

“So? Any results?”

She spoke with the distinctive accent of the western regions but made it sound smooth and elegant.

She was speaking to two girls who stood before her.

One was a blond, built like a supermodel—the kind of girl who could pull off any kind of outfit. Except today she was wearing plain, well-worn, bulky trousers and a faded jacket. Her face was devoid of expression, and her hands hung limply at her sides.

The other was a small girl with eyes that barely opened. This one was highly expressive and wore a hunting cap and a miniskirt, like a journalist aiming for a wholesome kind of sexy.

“Don’t get greedy, Rol!” the smaller girl—Mena—said, grinning at the woman in the suit. She reached down and poked Rol in the shoulder.

Rol frowned at her. “I am your boss… You could act like it!”

“Sure, but that’s such minutia. Wait, what were we talking about again?”

Rol sighed and decided to pick a different battle. “Minutia? Says the one who forgot the most important thing! I asked you to investigate, remember?!”

“Oh, right! We found some really good kebabs!” Mena said, throwing her a thumbs-up. “We’ll show you later.”

“I didn’t ask for an evaluation of the local cuisine!”

“Oh, details, schmetails! Are you more a salt or a sauce girl, Rol?”

“Says the one who doesn’t care for details!”

“It’s everything, Rol! If you don’t know which faction you’re in, your superior will think you’re super indecisive when you get drinks after work! Totally ruin your reputation!”

“You’re doing a great job of that right now!”

Mena simply would not listen. She’d straightened out her hunting cap, clearly dead serious about this. Was she a food journalist?

“Salt people talk big about bringing out the flavor of the ingredients, but it’s the sauce that gives a shop it’s unique flavor. It’s like the difference between a lead actor getting by on his face alone and a veteran character actor who brings nuance to the performance.”

Rol rubbed her temples, enduring the lecture. Then she turned to the other girl, who’d been hovering like a zombie in the background.

“Phyllo, how’d it actually go? Can I get a real answer from you?”

“……………………Mm.” Phyllo allowed a very long silence to pass before grunting expressionlessly.

Mena immediately translated. “She said the kebabs were great! The seasonings were particularly good at a place toward the harbor…”

“You’re stuck on kebabs, too?! No, literally all she actually said was ‘Mm.’ How much info can you cram into a grunt?!”

“Sisters just get these things. Right, Phyllo?”

“…Mm.”

“Aww, Phyllo! You won’t get anything for complimenting me!”

These two were a regular vaudeville act. Meanwhile, the word sisters had made Rol’s brow furrow even further.

“Sisters don’t work like that…”

“Yeah, we’re definitely split on the salt/sauce thing.”

“Get off the kebabs!” Rol got off the couch, advancing on Mena. Phyllo didn’t bat an eye.

“…Mm.”

“Why, Phyllo! I know you’re just joking to alleviate the tension, but that’s plain insulting.”

“What did she say? Specifically?!”

“I already know we won’t win if you sue us, so I really shouldn’t.”

“She said something that incriminating?!”

This was taking a lot out of Rol, and her shoulders were heaving. Mena took over the couch she’d vacated, sprawling out on it.

“Anyway, Azami’s a pretty big place! And its main pitfall is that it’s got good food everywhere! My belly can only take so much!”

With nowhere left to sit, Rol settled for crossing her arms angrily. “So you learned absolutely nothing?!”

“No, no, not nothing. There’s an information merchant on the East Side. Sounds like that’s the place to go to learn about what’s what in Azami.”

“Why didn’t you go there, then?!”

“They say when you’re traveling, money just flies away.”

Both Mena and Phyllo put their hands together, flapping them like wings.

Rol officially ran out of energy to argue. She rubbed her temples. “So you’re broke…or at least don’t know how much the information broker will cost, so you’d like your war chest upped?”

“Bingo! Nail on the head.”

Scowling, Rol tossed her a hefty roll of bills. Mena grinned and tucked it away in the pouch on her hip. She gave the plumper pouch a pleased pat.

“Thanks, Rol! Expect great things.”

Rol sagged against the wall, waving them away. “Get out of here… We don’t have much time.”

Mena jumped to her feet and gave her a theatrical salute.

“Mena and Phyllo, the Quinone sisters, are off to conquer all the fried foods! And we’ll tease some info outta that broker while we’re at it!”

“The other way around! Wait, no! The fried food part is entirely unnecessary!”

Mena waved both hands and left.

And Phyllo stood in front of Rol. “…Don’t worry.”

The first time she’d said anything besides Mm all day.

“Phyllo! Your sister may be useless, but you’ve got it together! I know you do!”

“…We’ll bring you souvenirs.”

“I take it back! Get outta here, the both of you!”

Rol’s scream echoed through the room. Had this been an apartment, it would have earned her a complaint from the landlord.

Either way, these three were clearly up to something.

Elsewhere: the East Side. This was the least safe part of Azami, and squabbles of some kind were happening from good morning to good night. With rows of stalls selling curios and black-market items, it was a wonderful district so overflowing with character you had to be a bit of a character yourself to survive.

On the East Side that evening, Marie—owner of the shop where Lloyd was staying—was elegantly sipping a cup of coffee, looking very pleased with herself.

After all, she accomplished a lot the day before. The mayor’s reaction had been highly amusing, so she’d earned herself a little satisfaction.

“Nothing like the joy of relaxing with a cup of java.”

This was a store, though, right? She didn’t really sound like she was a merchant.

Just as she finished her coffee and started carrying the cup to the kitchen, she realized something unfamiliar was standing in the shop.

In front of the shelves of wares was a blond girl in a jacket, arms hanging limply at her side, gaping.

“Kah!” Marie realized suddenly this was a human being and coughed awkwardly.

The girl just watched her coughing fit blankly—like all the muscles in her face were nonfunctional, like a mannequin, completely immobile.

“Um…can I help you?”

Marie belatedly realized she was technically still open—again, not exactly the greatest merchant alive—so she tried communicating with the blond. However…

“…………………Mm.”

…was all the response she got.

“Mm?”

“…Mm.”

“Mmm?”

“…Mm?”

Both looked equally confused. But just before the repeated mms piled up enough to cause a buggy Gestaltzerfall, the door to the shop slammed open.

“Phyllo, I said wait a sec! The relative proportions of our legs, endurance, and enthusiasm are all totally different!”

This time it was a small girl with smiley eyes, sporting a hunting cap.

It seemed she knew the girl with no facial muscles and that she was capable of human interaction, so Marie turned toward her.

“You’re friends with blank-face here? Just…take her!”

Any clerk talking to a customer like that would definitely warrant a complaint to management. Life was tough that way.

“We’re actually here on business.”

“You are? What kind? Oh, right, I forget. The shop’s still open…”

Honestly, a stray gust of wind could blow her work ethic, which was barely held together by a hair, away.

But the girl in the cap didn’t get mad, so presumably she was used to dealing with the preverbal girl’s fallout. She doffed her cap politely.

“I do apologize for the confusion! I’m Mena Quinone. My cutest features are my eyes! And this is my little sister, Phyllo Quinone. Her cutest feature is her expressionless face! If you’re an information broker, I’m sure you’ve heard of the Quinone sisters?”

“…Mm.”

Calming down somewhat, Marie ran their description past her stock of intel.

“The Quinone sisters? A pair of mercenaries, the elder good at magic, the younger martial arts?”

“Bingo! And we’re temporarily teaching at Rokujou Sorcery Academy.”

Marie gave them a long stare. “So what do you want? Everything I sell is over there.”

She pointed at a pile of medicine strewn all over the place. Professionalism? What’s that?

Mena never even glanced at it. She moved closer to Marie, clearly after something else.

“Nah, we’re good on medicine. But three thousand leagues in search of someone brings us to Marie the Witch.”

“I see… So you require my services as a witch.”

Their goals identified, Marie recovered her stride.

She sat down and took a deep breath.

“According to tradition, witches grant wishes in exchange for payment of equal value. You must be ready to make a sacrifice. With this in mind, what is it you wish for?” Her usual spiel delivered, she flashed a very witchy smile.

“……………Mm.” Phyllo nodded gravely. Then she reached into her bag. “…Here,” she said, handing Marie a bag with a fresh churro in it.

“A sacrifice…of a churro.”

“…Mm.”

Marie was flummoxed again. Phyllo’s expression remained dead serious, so she couldn’t tell if she was pulling her leg.

Meanwhile, Mena looked at the churro and did an extremely theatrical double take.

“Chomp… Ah! This is the cinnamon-sugar churro that Phyllo so adored! I asked for a bite, and she refused! For her to turn this over… Its significance cannot be denied!”

“You just took a bite out of your sacrifice!”

Mena wiped the sugar crumbs from her lips and grinned. “Nice! Very nice! You may not be as good as Rol, but you ain’t bad at delivering reactions, Miss Witch! Anyway, to the point.”

Marie suddenly felt a lot of sympathy for whoever this Rol character was.

Mena held out a photograph. It showed a tall, slender girl with a hood pulled low over her smiley eyes—and a suspiciously lumpy right arm. Marie recognized her instantly.

Mena’s eyes briefly opened. “We’re looking for her. Riho Flavin.”

A classmate of Lloyd’s, she’d come here any number of times. Marie knew she’d been a rather infamous mercenary before.

She had the option of just telling them that.

But if they were looking for revenge or were out to harm her… Marie adjusted her glasses. “So what business do you have with her?”

“Heh-heh-heh. Who do you think you’re asking? You have before you two errand girls…who have no clue what this is about!”

“That’s…the first time anyone’s sounded…so proud about that…” Marie shook her head.

But an instant later, Mena’s vibe changed dramatically. “If you’re worried, then you know where she is—which means you know her. Maybe she’s even a friend?” Her eyes were open now, watching Marie closely.

“You’re…actually pretty sharp.”

“It’s not that I’m not sympathetic. If someone came at me like this about Phyllo, I’d be worried about the same things.”

The tension between them was high.

An uneasy silence settled over the store.

Then Mena laughed. “Sorry, sorry, don’t mean to intimidate! I seriously dunno why! The boss didn’t say. I told her all this confidentiality stuff is why she has no friends, and she punched me for it! I dodged, of course.”

“G-good…”

Mena’s eyes had snapped shut again, and she was back to her previous cheery tone. The tension dissipated.

Marie was relieved.

And…she did not realize that the reins of this conversation were now entirely in Mena’s hands.

“But, well, it’s been a long road, and we really like our current job. You see, Phyllo gets all worked up when she sees strong men—it gets her fighting spirit going—so she always challenges them to a fight, and we always get fired for it. But working at a sorcery academy? There’s no strong men anywhere! We can relax!”

“…I always won,” Phyllo said, throwing up a peace sign.

Marie did her best to smile. “That must have been hard…also, extremely not peaceful. More like…assault…”

“And our budget here is pretty decent, so we’re hoping that money can smooth things over.”

With the momentum totally out of her hands, Marie struggled to come to a decision.

“……………!” Phyllo dropped the peace sign, flinching.

“Phyllo?” Mena asked, looking worried.

Phyllo turned to the door, staring through it. Like an animal that had spied its natural predator.

When Mena leaned in to peer at her face, Phyllo moved protectively in front of her.

Her arms had hung limp this whole time, but now she slowly moved them to waist height—a combat stance.

Her expression remained blank, but her entire body made the gravity of the situation clear.

Feeling the rising heat, Marie gulped.

A silence settled over the room again.

And a moment later, the door swung slowly open. Outside was…

“I’m home!”

…a gentle-looking, totally worry-free boy—Lloyd—back from school.

An instant later…

“……!” In sharp contrast to her minimalist movements, Phyllo lunged forward with astonishing speed and…

“Oh, customers? Take your time—!” Lloyd bowed politely.

“…Heh!” Phyllo jumped, so high she nearly hit the ceiling, hurling herself at Lloyd.

Meanwhile, he’d only just raised his head from the bow.

“Haaaaaaaah!” A flying kick with her full weight behind it was aimed directly for his forehead.

There was a dull thunk. Its impact blasted through the shop.

“Uh…Lloyd?!” Marie yelped.

That was a very strong kick. And he’d been completely defenseless after that bow. Anyone normal would have suffered a cracked skull or a broken neck.

…Anyone normal.

“…What?”

Lloyd was just standing there like nothing had happened. His forehead was slightly redder, but…you know, like someone who’d fallen asleep at their desk.

Wasting no time, Phyllo launched into a roundhouse kick the second she touched down.

With a whizzing sound like a tree trunk hurtling through the air, the pages of the ancient books in the back rustled.

Phyllo’s kick landed square in Lloyd’s chest.

“…Um?”

Lloyd didn’t budge.

Her foot still raised, Phyllo’s eyes met Lloyd’s.

Each seemed equally surprised. Phyllo slowly lowered her leg.

She looked Lloyd over. He was uninjured. He hadn’t even been knocked off his position.

“…Mm?” She cocked her head, forgetting to attack again.

“Mm?” Lloyd did the same.

Her face didn’t show it, but her eyes were running all over Lloyd’s body. His forehead was slightly red, and there was some dirt on his chest, but he remained standing in exactly the same place—which was enough to rattle anyone.

There was a long silence, broken by a passing bug, the kind you get if you’re growing vegetables.

When he saw the bug, Lloyd clapped his hands, as if it all made sense.

“Oh, I see! You were trying to swat that fly! And you just happened to hit me instead.”

“…A fly?” Phyllo had no expression, but her voice made it clear how shaken she was.

“Well, your foot may have hit me a couple of times, but don’t worry about it! I’m the one who was too out of it to dodge! Wow, city people really use their legs to swat flies? I suppose you don’t want your hands getting dirty!”

Lloyd had clearly taken Phyllo’s confusion as remorse about accidentally hitting him.

Phyllo took a step back. Having her strongest kick confused for a fly swat would certainly do that; it was literally being told, “Your attack couldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Phyllo hit him, and not only did he not fall down…” Mena’s eyes had opened wide, clearly on guard against Lloyd.

“Thank god it was just Lloyd,” Marie muttered. “We’d be taking anyone else to the hospital right now.”

“Um, you’re both customers, right? My name’s Lloyd Belladonna. Marie’s letting me stay here.”

Mena must have taken Lloyd’s relaxed manner as a sign of the unfathomable. She hastily introduced herself in return. “Right! I’m Mena, and this is Phyllo! They call us the Quinone sisters! We’re just here trying to locate someone! Not here to make enemies.”

At this point, Lloyd saw the picture in Mena’s hand and, without a second thought, blabbed everything he knew.

“Oh? That’s Riho, right?”

“Yes, we’re looking for Riho… Wait, you know her?”

The honest boy never so much a considered questioning her motives! With a gentle smile, he politely spilled his guts.

“Yes, we go to the same military—”

“Wait, Lloyd!” Marie tried to cut him off. They didn’t know what these two were after!

“…Mm.” Phyllo moved in front of Lloyd again.

“Yes?”

She was staring directly at him like she wanted to say something.

“Wait… She’s still trying to fight?” Marie squeaked. This seemed like a powder keg ready to go off…but instead Phyllo bowed low.

“…My name’s Phyllo Quinone. Please make me your student.”

“Harhhh?!” Lloyd hadn’t seen that coming and was clearly thrown for a loop.

“…You seem to be quite an accomplished martial artist. What style do you follow?”

“Style? I don’t know about anything that fancy…”

“……Even more curious. I’ll do anything you ask. Cook for you, do your laundry…serve as your herald in tournaments…just, please…”

Unable to tell if she was joking or not, Lloyd clearly had no idea what to make of this.

“Um, no, I mean… This is Marie’s house… I couldn’t say anything…”

Phyllo spun around, staring at Marie. “……My name is Phyllo, and I’ll be living here as his student.”

“Huh?” Marie just gaped at her. Who just invited themselves to live in your home?

Without waiting for any further response, Phyllo turned back to Lloyd, clearly having taken that as consent. Somehow.

“…So as your student, I will begin by washing your back. Where is the bathroom?”

“Er, um… Please stop trying to take my clothes off…”

A scandalous scene was starting to unfold as she tried to get him to shimmy outta his clothes. Certain readers may be very excited!

“…Get out! And don’t ever come back!” Marie screeched, sounding just a little jealous. If this were a manga, the store windows would have shattered.

Having succeeded in prying Phyllo away, Mena waved good-bye. “See ya later!”

Those two were just too much for Marie, who was left fuming. “I’ll have to reset the wards on the door! Where’s the salt?!”

“Ah-ha-ha…” Lloyd laughed listlessly.

“Lloyd, what’s gotten into you?” Marie snapped. “You like having girls come after you like that? Or…”

Marie was about to ask if that girl was his type, but before she could…

“Owww…,” Lloyd groaned weakly and crumpled to the ground.

“Wh-what’s wrong, Lloyd? Are you hurt?”

“Uh, yeah… My ribs are broken.”

“Whaaaaaat?”

Nobody else would ever sound so casual about broken ribs.

Lloyd staggered back to his feet, probing the injury with his fingers. “Here and here… Breaking two ribs from a kick meant to swat a fly? I’m so weak.”

“Er, wait… Your ribs are actually broken?”

Characters in manga can be all badass, like, “Guess that snapped a few ribs,” but when that happens in real life, the pain is excruciating, shooting through your body with every exhalation. It’s not an injury you can laugh off! It’s serious!

This was the first time Marie had seen Lloyd show any signs of pain at all. Coming from Kunlun, a town beyond the mortal realm, he could be attacked by monsters or whatever and emerge entirely unscathed. Nothing got to him.

But now he was clearly in considerable pain.

“If she managed to injure Lloyd…she’s really dangerous.”

The Quinone sisters were famous for a reason, clearly.

“Ah-ha-ha,” Lloyd said, smiling weakly. “I used to break bones all the time back in Kunlun, but it’s been a while…”

“All the time?! No, you need to rest and…”

“Mm? No, this is nothing.” Lloyd slowly rose to his feet. “Broken bones don’t take more than three hours to heal, even for me. In Kunlun, Grandpa Pyrid used to heal them with a single shout!”

“Uh…right; sorry I asked.”

Marie had momentarily forgotten he was from the village of superhumans. Of course, the laws of the real world didn’t apply to Kunlun.

“Oh, right…gotta make dinner! But first, I’d better change.”

While anyone else would be critically injured and confined to bed, Lloyd just changed clothes and hurried to the kitchen, preparing their meal as always. It seemed the pain no longer bothered him.

“I suppose there’s no use worrying… We’re going to be living together awhile, so I’d better just get used to it,” Marie muttered. “For a while? Yes, and hopefully forever…,” she added, her cheeks slightly flushed.

No one was looking, but she quickly used the brim of her hat to hide her face until the blush subsided.

W-well, if things work out…

It was no real secret that the reason Marie made no attempt to return to be a princess, even though they wrested control of the kingdom back from evil, was…

“Hmm-hmm-hmm…”

Because Best Wife, Lloyd Belladonna, had stolen her heart and her stomach. Lloyd normally would be staying at the dorm at the military academy, but suggesting it to Marie’s former guard, Chrome, they’d used his late acceptance as an excuse to keep him commuting from here—so she was pretty far gone.

“I know… I’m doomed…”

But this lovesick maiden was definitely enjoying it.

When her blush faded, she removed her hat only to find…

“Helloooooo, Mariieeeeeee.”

The chief of Kunlun, Marie’s master—Alka—was sitting on a chair and waving at her with a broad grin. She must have teleported here.

“I know… I’m doomed…”

This overpowered loli grandma was grinning. Fear rose within her, and Marie’s expression grew strained. Her blush had gone straight to pale. Her circulatory system was getting quite the workout.

“…Come ’ere.” Alka beckoned to her.

She soon had Marie on her knees. Forcibly pulled to the floor, Marie glared at Alka, as if betrayed.

“I thought you were stuck in the village for the time being!”

“…While we were harvesting, a little bird told me something. So I sneaked out.”

“…I have no idea what you mean,” she said guiltily, sweating bullets and clearly already regretting it.

“Then how do you explain that little jaunt to the Village of the Holy Sword?”

“You found out already?”

Alka had made it very clear that she was against using Lloyd’s power for political purposes, and she was obviously here to find out why Marie had broken that rule…so Marie used the excuse she had prepared.

“I didn’t use him! Not intentionally! Lloyd just went to pick up trash of his own accord and mistook the sword for garbage and yanked it out while he was picking up all the magazines and empty cans around it.”

Poor sword.

“I don’t care about the dumb sword! I care about the trip! You went with him on a little holiday! And you enjoyed it!”

Poor sword.

“Uh, yeah…it was…like a day trip, I guess.”

“I’m so jealous! You dare enjoy something like that when you knew I couldn’t tag along!”

“I certainly enjoyed it, yes, but…I regard it as a gift from god to make up for all the trouble he caused me!”

“You don’t even deny it!” Farm work back home had put Alka in full-on toddler tantrum mode. She stomped her foot. “That’s why I said, ‘The sad witch at Lloyd’s lodgings might be using love potions and black magic to brainwash him!’ And the villagers wouldn’t believe me!”

“We just went on a trip! And just because I’m a witch doesn’t mean I’d do anything like that!”

“No, no. You can’t be too sure, especially with the way you’ve been acting. If you lose all your senses, you’re capable of anything! You might suddenly cast off all your clothes and bury your face in Lloyd’s crotch, inhaling deeply! Now that I remember that, I wanna do it again! It’s all your fault!”

“Again?! You mean you’ve already done that?! Someone with as little sense as you has no right accusing me of anything, you loli grandma!”

Hearing the commotion, Lloyd glanced their way from the kitchen, smiling like he would at two squabbling kid sisters. “Oh, I thought that was you, Chief! Welcome!”

“Lloyd! It’s been too loooong! I need a smooooch!”

“Er, I’m a grown-up now, Chief… Um, good luck with work back in the village! Oh, right, Marie, you’ve seemed tired lately, so I made some honey-soaked lemon. Eat a few later on!”

Alka’s jaw dropped at this preferential treatment, and Marie scratched her cheek sheepishly.

“Explain this discrimination! Is it black magic?! Confess!”

“No, but even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell!”

“Fine! I’m just gonna help myself to Lloyd’s homemade honey-soaked lemon!”

“……………………Don’t.”

The unnaturally long silence before that made Alka’s ears twitch. She pounced.

“Oh? Why shouldn’t I? Or is it that you don’t want to share food that your crush made just for you? You’re in love with Lloyd, aren’t you?!”

“Hey! What—what are you talking about?”

Marie had turned bright red, and Alka crossed her wittle feetsies like a tiny teacher, lecturing. This was not at all attractive.

“How inappropriate! Think of the age gap!”

“…You’ve lived longer than most trees, so you’ve got no right to talk.”

And extremely unconvincing.

But Marie’s rational, pinpoint criticism rolled off Alka like water. Saying whatever she wanted was a right granted exclusively to the elderly—and quite an obnoxious one.

“If you’ve grown so man-hungry, you’ll stop at nothing to ensnare Lloyd in your wiles…”

“I hate to even imagine what’s going through your head right now.”

Alka suddenly clasped her hands together, voice rising in pitch. “Which means it’s time for…drumroll, please…a surprise physical!”

“Huh?”

Before the sound even finished leaving Marie’s mouth, Alka had her pinned against the wall—her movements far faster and more powerful than you’d ever imagine from her size. Marie was helpless to resist.

The impact caused a rain of dust to fall from the rafters.

“No excuses!” Alka snarled. “Hands against the wall! Any signs of resistance will be met with a big boom!”

“What?! Where?! Depending on the part of the body involved, the damage can be irreversible! Don’t— Augh!”

“Fine, then how about a little cling?” Alka pinned Marie’s hands to the wall and started doing something with runes.

“Cling?” Marie said. “…Augh! They’re stuck to the wall!”

Marie’s hands were flat against the wooden wall, and she couldn’t peel them off.

“Hmph! Be glad I didn’t fuse them on a molecular level!”

“What does molecular even mean?! The way you drop new words is really terrifying!”

The way she was hunched over made Marie’s voice sound like it was coming from her hindquarters.

“Let’s start this check! First, Lloyd just changed out of his uniform, so I’ll have to savor those trousers!”

“…Uh, from the lead-up, I assumed I was being subjected to the physical…”

Plastered to the wall, Marie had been bracing herself for indignities, but…this was Alka.

“What would be the fun in that?!” She scowled.

“Fair point, loli Grandma!”

Ultimately, Alka’s entire purpose was fueled by her desires, and nothing else ever mattered.

“Sniff, sniff! Ah, the trace lingering warmth of Lloyd’s cute round butt, cradled in these folds—just mere moments before! Hmm?”

At this point, Alka heard a rustle and pulled a piece of paper out of Lloyd’s back pocket.

“What’s that?” Marie’s backside asked.

“…Good question,” Alka replied grimly.

“Wh-what did you find in Lloyd’s pants?!” Marie yelped, her rear end twitching.

“Why would he have something like this tucked away in his trousers?”

Alka held a scrap of paper out before Marie. A free coupon for a donut café—and one marked couples only.

“…Pfft.”

When she saw couples only, Marie let out a snort so hard the coupon quivered.

“I call that a very dirty trick! Sneaking a couples coupon into a boy’s butt pocket, waiting until you see him going, ‘Oh, a free ticket, but only for couples… Who should I go with? Maybe the chief?’ and then having the nerve to step up and suggest, ‘Well, how about we be a couple for a day?’ All so you can sink your witchy fangs into him!”

“I’d never do anything like that! You are so far down the rabbit hole… Plus, the part where he’d even consider inviting you is pure delusion!”

“Silence! Verdict! Guilty! Judgment! You must be punished! I thought I’d spare you an explosion, but the penalty now applies!”

She started forming runes in the air, casting a curse of some sort on Marie.

“Whoa, wait! I’ve got nothing to do with that! Stop using runes!”

“Then can you explain how Lloyd had this coupon in his pocket?”

“…Uh…”

“…………”

“Maybe…he’s in love with me?” Marie suggested, embarrassed.

BOOM!

An almost-comedic explosion echoed through the shop.

“Dinner’s ready! Marinated chicken with fish and chips!”

“Oh, that’s what I’m here for! Gasp! It looks so good!”

Lloyd brought the food, heaped on large platters, to the table, along with several smaller plates to serve it up on. Then he realized Marie was missing.

“Uh, where’s Marie?”

“Mm? Oh, she had urgent business to take care of.”

“O-oh, I see… Hmm?”

Disappointed, Lloyd looked down…and saw a familiar black robe lying there. And upon closer inspection, some underwear.

“Marie appears to have left her clothes behind. Why would she do that?”

“Well, I’m sure it was…urgent naked business. Don’t worry about it! I’m sure it’s for the benefit of the realm!”

It could be the most well-intentioned business in the world, but a naked hero was probably more of a detriment—not even a net zero.

But Lloyd accepted this and placed Marie’s portion on a plate, carrying it back to the kitchen.

But then he saw a butterfly fluttering around.

“How’d that get in here? I’d better let it out.”

“Oh, leave it be, Lloyd. It’ll go back to normal in time.”

This last phrase confused Lloyd, but Alka’s extravagant feeding distracted him. Thoroughly satisfied, she soon made her exit through the closet back to Kunlun.

Left alone, Lloyd cleaned up and retired to his room.

Late that night in the empty store, the butterfly began glowing—and then a human form, Marie, dropped to the floor. Naked.

“Gahhh…that loli grandma! She turned me into a bug! At least it wasn’t a cockroach…”

Lying in a heap, she cursed her name. Naked.

“Welcome back, Marie! What business was it? Should I warm up your…er…?”

Lloyd’s gaze lit on Marie, where she lay scrabbling on the floor. Naked.

“Uh…L-Lloyd…there’s a reason for this…”

“…”

Looking very serious, he turned and went back to his room. Why was his landlord scuttling around on the floor naked? The only way to process that was to sleep on it and forget it in the morning.

“……”

Her reputation and her dignity in tatters, Marie grimly located and donned her clothing and fell asleep where she was.

Maybe she was better off not going back to the whole princess thing. It would never do for things like this to happen to a lady.