Chapter 3: A Bout of Wishful Thinking: Suppose You Pretended to Be Lovers… and That Totally Sparked Real Feelings!
Chapter 3
A Bout of Wishful Thinking: Suppose You Pretended to Be Lovers…and That Totally Sparked Real Feelings!
Now on to Lloyd and Selen, at the scene of their fake date. They were strolling through a park, gazing at the artificial lake and the cypress forest. Selen was happily plastering herself against Lloyd, her eyes permanently locked on his face. She could at least have tried to enjoy the natural splendor around them.
“Eh-heh-heh.”
Clearly, she’d elected to enjoy Lloyd’s natural splendor instead.
In his tuxedo, he looked like a kid decked out for a special occasion, as did Selen in her blue dress. They were strolling arm in arm along the shore of the lake.
“Selen…this is a bit much.”
“Sir Lloyd, this is how couples behave on dates.”
She pulled his arm even tighter, and he looked ready to panic.
“Isn’t the lake lovely, Sir Lloyd?” Selen asked. She hadn’t even glanced its direction, so she must have viewed it in her mind’s eye.
“Uh, yes,” he said awkwardly.
Selen shook her head. “The proper response on a date is ‘Not as lovely as you.’”
“Th-that’s so embarrassing!”
“This is a performance, Sir Lloyd. If you don’t put your heart into it, we won’t look natural.”
“N-not as lubbly as you…,” Lloyd flubbed, doing his very best but not quite getting the words out.
Oblivious to his consternation, Selen begged him to repeat the line. They did not look natural.
“N-not as lovely as you…”
“Perfect! Let’s get married.”
Selen’s engines were running wild now. She produced a Popsicle and insisted they share it, going for the old indirect kiss. It certainly felt like some kind of performance.
Baffled by Selen’s one-sided delight, Lloyd decided his best tactic was to change the subject.
“I certainly was surprised to see you back there, Selen.”
“Me too! I narrowly avoided getting my hands dirty.”
“Dirty how?”
“Oh, never mind that. Heh-heh-heh.”
The following day’s headline had very nearly read Murder at the Reiyoukaku Hotel! But Lloyd was better off not knowing that.
Looking puzzled, he inquired about her relationship with the businessman with whom she’d arrived.
“So was that man with you your father?”
Selen scowled. “Yes, unfortunately.”
“That bad?”
This prompted Selen to launch into a lengthy diatribe about her problems at home. How her father’s antiques collection had led to her getting cursed by the belt, how that had consigned her to her room, and how the moment he’d heard she was free of the belt, he had immediately begun attempting to arrange a marriage. She was frothing at the mouth by the end.
“…Can you believe it? ‘The curse is lifted, go get married’! And he tried to set me up with Allan!”
“He’s just worried about you,” Lloyd offered soothingly.
“No,” Selen said, frowning. “Not anymore. Once, maybe…”
Lloyd sensed she couldn’t quite bring herself to hate the man.
“But he’s still your father, right?” he reminded her, smiling gently. “I don’t have one, so I think you’re lucky.”
Remembering that Lloyd was an orphan, Selen spluttered, “S-sorry…I totally forgot.”
“Oh, no, don’t worry about it. I was raised by the whole village, so the chief, and Grandpa Pyrid, and the woodcutter…even Shouma was like a brother to me… Mm?”
He suddenly broke off, feeling a strange sensation on his backside.
“What’s wrong, Sir Lloyd?”
“I dunno. Maybe a bug bit me? It kind of stings.”
Lloyd pointed at his butt, and Selen took a good look at his tight buns—only then did she notice and scoop up something pointy off the ground.
“Huh? What’s this?”
“Something wrong, Selen?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, Sir Lloyd.”
She took a close look at the object—the tip of a blow dart. She sniffed it, checking.
As Lloyd blinked at her, she started muttering.
“A neurosoporific? Fools. That would never work on Lloyd. I’ve been down that road… The culprit must be an amateur Lloydist. And I’m catching a whiff of lipstick… I sense a new man thief! I’ll let her be for now…”
With some alarming statements in there, her deductions were complete. Selen glanced up to find Lloyd looking concerned.
“Um? Selen?”
“Don’t worry. Oh—I need to make a quick stop in the bathroom. You wait in the footbath there!”
With that, Selen left his side.
Abruptly abandoned, Lloyd still looked confused but did as he was told.
“Argh, seriously?…Tranquilizer darts don’t work?”
It was the odd-jobs girl, Kikyou—whom Selen had just described as an amateur Lloydist. Her plan this time had been to tranquilize him and then slap the anti-treant balm on him.
But the results? He didn’t even notice.
“That soporific can put a wild animal down in ten seconds! Does the treant give him resistance? Threonine didn’t mention anything about that…”
But facts were facts, and Kikyou had to accept them. Of course, Lloyd wasn’t infected by any kind of treant and was just naturally resistant to all kinds of poison.
Having accepted her version of reality, Kikyou began scratching her head with the bottle in her hand. The balm inside would banish a treant infection. The bottle was full of it, and the scent it gave off was rather sharp, somewhere between herbs and jam.
“Okay, Kikyou, time to review the task at hand.”
She fixed the doting couple with another glare—looking very much like a jealous stalker.
“Lloyd’s infected by a treant, and the only way to save him is to rub this balm on him somehow.”
She clutched her head again.
“Easily said! But the sapling has given him superpowers! And he’s not even aware of them!”
She had no reason to put herself at risk to save him.
Nevertheless, Kikyou couldn’t get his gentle smile out of her mind.
“…I can’t just abandon the kid, huh. He doesn’t deserve any of this.”
She waited a few minutes, and Lloyd went into the footbath. Selen must have gone to fetch drinks or something.
“This may be my chance.”
If he was relaxing in the footbath, he might let his guard down. She could sneak up from behind and smear the balm on him.
Kikyou quickly approached.
Breathing quietly, she moved stealthily through the crowd.
And just as she was about to take the lid off the bottle…
“Oh, I thought that was you, Kikyou!” Lloyd said, turning around. He was still several yards away.
“………gh!!”
She let out a silent shriek. She was very good at remaining unobtrusive and hadn’t expected him to spot her.
“What’s up?”
“Uh, um. I’m just on break. I saw you, figured I’d give you a bit of a start… Kinda backfired.”
“Oh, really? Sorry, just felt your presence and turned around.”
“Huh. My presence. Wow.”
Lloyd’s Zatoichi-level spatial awareness left Kikyou twitching. He might as well have been the blind blademaster himself.
Treants make their hosts this powerful? You’ve gotta tell me these things, Boss!
While she cursed Threonine under her breath, Lloyd looked at the bottle in her hands.
“What’s that, Kikyou?”
“Uh…this is, um…well…”
Caught red-handed, she scrambled for an excuse.
“Uh, well, you seem like you’ve been working hard, so I was gonna offer you a massage.”
Even she thought that was unconvincing and immediately winced, mad at herself.
Certain he’d cringe at the idea, she reluctantly took in his expression.
But he was nodding earnestly.
“A massage? I was just thinking I should probably learn more about what a proper massage entails. This could be very educational!”
What an unexpectedly favorable response.
“Er, what?” she asked, momentarily dumbfounded.
“Apparently, the massages I know how to give are illegal. So please, it would be a huge help if you could show me what a proper massage is like.”
“Oh, okay…”
Kikyou decided not to think about how a massage could be illegal. Lloyd certainly seemed to be extremely into this. The passion radiating off him was so intense, even the steam of the footbath seemed like an extension of his fervor.
Before she knew it, he was on his knees, bowing his head.
Kikyou scratched her head with the bottle. This was all going much too well, but sometimes things just worked out that way.
“Uh, okay, leave it to me.”
She had no reason not to follow through, so time for a public massage lesson.
“Um…should I lie facedown?”
“Er, no, you can stay sitting up.”
“Really? So real massages are fundamentally different!”
“Uh, then…if you can take your clothes off…”
“Mm, that much is the same.”
Without hesitating at all, Lloyd stripped down to his underwear, taking his lesson so seriously, he completely forgot the crowd around them.
Kikyou could hear people snickering. Taking your clothes off in a footbath would certainly get you laughed at.
Geez, I dunno who taught him, but that is clearly not a massage… Must’ve been a real villain.
Feeling somewhat sorry for him, Kikyou decided to free him quickly and opened the lid of her bottle.
“What’s that?”
“……Massage oil.”
Oiling up a nearly naked boy in broad daylight was certainly daunting, but she had no choice.
His intense stare was also rattling her.
“Mind closing your eyes?” she requested, doing her best to smile.
He did as he was told. The little hag would have found this adorable.
Get this done before it starts going to your head…
Guilt wasn’t the only thing welling up inside her. She quickly squeezed some balm on her hands and started rubbing it on his sides. The noises he made certainly made her cheeks burn, but per Threonine’s instructions, she searched for the sapling.
She couldn’t find any signs of it. She searched his back, under his arms, and his calves thoroughly, but found nothing but extremely smooth, beautiful skin. Naturally—he wasn’t actually infected.
There was only one area she hadn’t touched yet. The only part still covered.
I can’t…but…it’s the only possibility remaining…
The sapling could be hiding inside. She was about to reach inside his underwear…when she sensed death approaching from behind.
“…!”
Fury. Resentment. A bundle of negative emotion that made her fingertips freeze.
Uh-oh…
Kikyou leaped away, sending up a spray of footbath water. A belt the color of blood snapped at the spot where she’d been standing.
A stir ran through the crowd. Radiating a pitch-black aura, Selen advanced toward Kikyou, every step emanating hatred. Her trademark belt—the cursed artifact that had tormented her for so long—had been curled around her waist like a ribbon but now responded to her fury, writhing wildly. Like bonito flakes sprinkled on okonomiyaki, a savory Japanese pancake.
Maybe that metaphor is a bit too cute, given the horrific look on Selen’s face—she was moments away from crying tears of blood.
“Death!” she growled.
While Selen herself moved slowly, the belt snapped sideways with no warning.
Kikyou was forced to backflip out of range.
“What the…?”
“I know tourist traps are rife with disgusting insects, but I never imagined any would be this blatant! You can’t talk your way out of this! Only death awaits!”
Your classic emotionally unstable stalker.
Not to validate her actions, but anyone would be pissed seeing the love of their life being groped in their underwear. The real root of all this strife was the teeny grandma.
Kikyou was certainly rattled by the sheer aggression behind the attacks, but she was agile enough to avoid the belt, barely.
Selen’s assault showed no signs of relenting. The cursed belt sliced through the air with a series of sharp cracks.
Stuck in the middle of this combat zone, Lloyd’s eyes were slowly beginning to open.
“Um, what’s going…?”
“DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Both ends of the belt reached past Lloyd’s sides like tentacles, trying to grab Kikyou.
“Argh, I almost had it, too!”
Kikyou whipped a blade out of her pocket and attempted to nail the belt to a wooden stool. There was a satisfying thunk as the weapon was pinned, but it was an artifact made from the skin of the Divine Beast Vritra, which meant it could not be stopped that easily.
“Hmph!”
A surge of power ran outward from Selen’s waist, and the knife went flying. Then the belt wrapped itself around Kikyou.
“Crap! …No other way out.”
With a painful grimace, Kikyou began contorting herself. There were several creepy pops, and then she slipped free of the constriction. Seemed like she’d dislocated several joints to escape.
“How the—?” Selen gasped.
Kikyou took advantage of that opening. Instead of running, she leaped forward, getting in close. The moment she was in range, she grabbed Selen’s waist and threw her into a suplex.
Hitting the back of one’s head on hard pavement would spell bad news.
“…Did I get her? Huh? Seriously?!”
But Selen was unharmed. The cursed belt had formed a cushion, protecting her skull.
“I’ve had bad experiences being thrown around before… Now, die!”
As if it were nothing, Selen righted herself and renewed her onslaught.
“Wh-who is this monster?!”
Was it even possible to get away from her? As Kikyou began looking for an escape route…
“So this is what a proper massage looks like!” Lloyd exclaimed, sounding very impressed. “You have to hit the back of the head like that, huh.”
He was still in his underwear.
“You stay back, Sir Lloyd!”
Now that he’d attracted Selen’s attention, though, she couldn’t stop stealing peeks through the steam at his body. She was no longer remotely focused on the fight.
Oh, now’s my chance!
Kikyou couldn’t miss this opportunity! With that, she turned and sprinted away.
“Huh? She left,” Lloyd observed, confused.
Selen came racing over to him.
“Sir Lloyd! What’s going on here? How did you end up in your underwear?!”
His eyes weren’t down there.
“Uh, well, she works here with me and was showing me how to do a proper massage.”
“I don’t see how that follows, but in any case, you’re covered in some weird balm! We’d better go rest in that shop while I wipe you off.”
Not once taking her eyes off his nether regions, Selen led him to a nearby rest area, without allowing him to dress that she might continue feasting her eyes…
Lloyd, meanwhile, was studiously turning the “proper massage” he’d just witnessed over in his mind and missed his chance to put on his clothes.
“I see… So that’s a real massage… You do this, then…uh, Selen? I’m still not dressed…”
Selen just kept pushing him toward the food/souvenir stand. They sold everything from cypress handicrafts to little household tools to packs of vegetables that grew wild in the mountains.
The pair took a seat in the restaurant, greeted by the aroma coming from the oven: a flatbread with cheese on it, very similar to pizza. Families were chattering all around them.
Any restaurant with a dress code would have turned a boy in his underwear and a girl with a cursed belt writhing around her waist away at the door.
They certainly got stares.
“Mom, look!”
“Shh, don’t stare.”
Selen paid these interactions no heed. Lloyd was embarrassed by his lack of clothing but nevertheless sat down in an empty seat across from her.
“Uh…I’d really like to put something on…”
“Let me wipe you down first, Sir Lloyd.”
Without missing a beat, she took the moist towelettes the restaurant provided and used them to wipe Lloyd all over—painstakingly, as if polishing a beloved treasure.
“Um, Selen? That balm is dry now, so I don’t think we need to be so thorough…”
“But you can’t put a tux on over this! You borrowed it, right?”
“Urp…right, I can’t get it dirty. The cleaning fees will be astronomical…”
Even in this tourist trap in his underwear, Lloyd was worried about laundry, like the good housewife he was.
Now that she had found his weakness, Selen smiled, taking on the air of a car enthusiast hand-washing her newest acquisition.
“Oh, I’m out of wet wipes…Waiter! Bring another dozen!”
The waiter would probably never hear such an absurd request again in his lifetime. It took him by surprise, but he caught the threat in Selen’s gaze and dashed into the storeroom.
While Selen waited for the delivery, someone crept up behind her.
“You seem to be in trouble. Would you like to use my moist towelette?”
“Why, thank you! Sir Lloyd, let us contin— Yow! Those are hot!”
Selen had accepted without even glancing at the person offering, but the wet wipe proved so hot, she was left yelping in an entirely un-Selen-like fashion.
“Hey! What’s the big idea? Who makes wet wipes this hot?”
“We aren’t that kind of shop, so please refrain from inappropriate behavior.”
Selen whipped around to protest and found Riho looming over her, eyes like daggers, fire magic wreathed around her mithril arm. She was clearly quite worked up herself.
“Oh…R-Riho…”
“Riho!”
“You seem to be enjoying yourself, m’lady. While I was busy sweeping horse poop.”
Riho plopped down in a chair, and when the waiter arrived with armfuls of wet towels, she ordered a coffee.
“Just how did you talk him into something this freaky? How’d he get covered in goo on a date?”
Riho glared at the pile of moist towelettes and the balm still clearly visible on Lloyd’s skin.
“This wasn’t me! It was the hand of destiny! Some weird woman began smearing oil all over Lloyd’s body!”
“A weird woman other than you?”
“How weird do you think I am?!”
Selen Hemein was a military cadet, yet the military police already had her on their watch list. For being a stalker.
“So why are you in your underwear, Lloyd? Another outbreak of Selen-ness?” Riho asked, rubbing her temples.
Lloyd shook his head. “No, I just wanted to learn what a proper massage was like.”
“Well, that explains it,” Riho said, instantly convinced.
“This is a very strange conversation!” Selen remarked. “Riho, you’re usually not one to give in so easily!”
Selen offered a sound argument, a rarity, but Riho’s serious expression never wavered.
“No, Lloyd is duty-bound to learn what a normal massage is as soon as possible.”
“What kind of duty is that? That’s a very loaded statement!”
While Selen and Riho argued, Lloyd finished wiping himself and put the tux back on.
“Sorry… Now that I’m finally a military cadet, I can’t exactly let myself get arrested.”
“How would a massage get you arrested?” Selen looked from Lloyd to Riho, then gave up and sat down.
“You’re better off not knowing,” Riho said, sipping her coffee. “Anyway, I’m on break, so I figured I’d touch base. You notice anything weird?”
“Yes, being in Lloyd’s arms is very warm.”
The bitter look on Riho’s face was likely unrelated to the quality of her coffee.
“…Must I remind you of the goal here?”
“Clinching the deal with Sir Lloyd!…Uh, and the people-in-comas thing.”
“What a beautiful smile on the first half. Well, as long as you remember, we’ll call it good.”
Riho clearly had a soft spot for her. She turned to Lloyd next.
“But you’re the main deal here. Notice anything?”
“Uh…well…”
“No matter how small. It might be a clue.”
“Hmm. Well, there’s more people in short sleeves.”
“Yeah, it’s getting warmer out.” Riho looked like she was getting a headache.
“Sorry, Sir Lloyd and I were just enjoying our date so much.”
It would be more accurate to say Selen was sole member of this trio having the time of her life. Deciding she was in for the long haul, Riho ordered another cup of coffee.
“So I’m the only one who actually did any investigating?”
“You found something out, Riho?!” Lloyd asked, beaming at her across the table.
Riho hid her blush behind the coffee.
“That’s how you earn trust, m’lady,” she said triumphantly.
“Hngg,” Selen groaned. “You’re sure you’ve got a lead?”
Riho nodded, taking a scrap of paper out of her pocket.
“First, the guest in 102. He reserved a suite but canceled at the last minute—gave a weird excuse about not liking the suite name. This was before Allan collapsed.”
“That’s odd… Was the suite named Riho?”
“If it was Selen, that would explain it.”
They glared at each other.
“…Next, the people staying in 201. They’re ordering an insane amount of food. But there are only two of them. People are wondering if they’re feeding something voracious.”
“Like a monster?”
“Bingo. Even if it’s just a pet, that’s against the rules. Our hotel requires a proper cage and an additional fee, as well as the use of a room designated for that purpose.”
Riho was clearly embracing her new role as a hotel employee.
“Wow, Riho,” Lloyd said, his trust rocketing even higher. “You were born to do this job.”
“Mercenaries work all kinds of places. Experience talks.”
“Hmm,” Selen said, fixing her with a suspicious glare. “That does sound significant…assuming it’s true.”
“What, you don’t believe it, m’lady? The hotel rules clearly state—”
“Not the rules. The rumors. They could be exaggerations, lies, or distortions. Until we see it with our own eyes…”
Selen’s gaze made it clear that no matter what the facts were, she’d find something to complain about to lower Riho’s skyrocketing reputation.
“Ha-ha-ha,” Riho chuckled, as if she’d been waiting for this. “Then let’s go check it out together! Time to quit pretending you’re going to get married.”
“Huh? Quit?”
“Of course! Why would prospective marriage partners be investigating the suspects’ rooms? Look, I admit half of this is just wanting you to share my pain…”
“…And you’ve baited me into this.”
For once, Riho had the advantage, and all Selen could do was grumble.
“Right. With that settled, let’s get back to the hotel. Oh, and, m’lady, we’re going to approach these suspects as maids, so you’ll have to ditch that dress.”
“Argh, fine. If this means Sir Lloyd and I can work together, it might prove valuable practice at maintaining a relationship on the job, so…I’ll stay positive.”
“That much positivity will get you thrown in jail someday, m’lady.”
Consider the earlier statement redacted—Selen’s power to make anything about Lloyd meant she always had the advantage.
Riho and Selen were decked out in cream-colored dresses and white aprons. Lloyd followed them in his bellboy uniform, pushing a cleaning cart.
Unlike the hall on the floor of suites, this corridor was plain, with few decorations. At the end of it was room 102.
Riho ran over the plan once more, keeping her voice low.
“First, m’lady and I will enter to make the bed.”
“And if he tries to run or harm the two of you, I’ll jump in from behind.”
“And after Sir Lloyd saves me, the two of us will inevitably—”
Seemed like one of them was running an entirely different operation.
“Ignore her words and her entire existence. Lloyd, you hide in the hall and keep watch.”
“Er, uh…I-I’ll do my best…”
Selen’s remark had confused him, and he was now looking rather tense.
“Oh, Sir Lloyd…here? In the hall! So daring!”
“Wrap it up, m’lady.”
Riho rubbed her knuckles on Selen’s head and yanked her cheeks until she returned to reality.
“I’m ready to go! I have seen the future and have a clear plan of action! Time to make dreams come true!” Selen said, sounding like an ad for a new real estate development.
“As long as you’re motivated,” Riho muttered. She was used to it by now.
Focusing, she stepped up to the door…and knocked.
“Housekeeping,” she called.
There was a moment’s silence, and then the door opened.
Inside stood a young man with even features and a deep tan, dressed in a T-shirt, baggy pants, and hiking boots. With this outfit and his wiry build, he looked like a backpacker, or at least someone with a very active job.
“Mm? What?” he inquired, piercing eyes looking from Riho to Selen.
“We’re here to make your bed,” Riho announced, giving no hint of their true purpose.
The man ran a hand through his hair, rumpling it.
“Weird…I don’t remember asking.”
“Sorry, we’re new here…Well, since we’re here anyway, we’re happy to—”
Selen tried to look past him. The man put his hand to his chin, thinking, studying her face.
“So you really want to come in and clean?”
“Uh, yes,” Selen said, confused by the question. Riho was swearing inside.
“I see, I see…I get it.” He grinned at them.
“G-get what?”
Tension rose between them.
“You two…?” he started.
Crap, we’re made! Riho started to shift her weight to signal Lloyd.
“…have passion!”
““Huh?””
Grinning broadly, the man threw his thumbs up, excitement in his voice. Neither Selen nor Riho had seen this coming, and they both failed to hide their surprise. The man didn’t seem to care, though. He just nodded and began babbling.
“You got the wrong room! But you still want to make the bed! You want to polish your skills and make a career of this! You love cleaning beyond all measure! Gushing sweat! Burning fervor! I love passionate people!”
“Er, yeah…well…”
The “gushing sweat” comment seemed particularly dubious, but this dude wasn’t about to let them get a word in edgewise.
“But I’m afraid my room just isn’t that dirty… I know! I’ll go mess it up for you! Hold that sweat a moment!” He gave them a quick bow and vanished into his room.
Everyone stood frozen for a moment; then Riho yelped.
“He got us!”
“Wh-what? Why are you yelling?” Selen asked, looking like she was afraid Riho had caught the man’s enthusiasm.
Riho shook her head, grimacing. “He’s gone to destroy the evidence! Unless he’s really stupid. I mean, who goes to mess their own room up?”
But before she could say anything else, the tanned hunk came back grinning so broadly, his teeth gleamed.
“Welcome! I messed it up for you, rookie maids! I’ve never deliberately messed up a room before! It’s harder than I thought! Man! Sweat! Gushing!”
“He is really stupid!”
Riho and Selen looked at him the way you would a particularly dumb dog.
At this point, Lloyd peered around the corner and, with a start, stepped forward.
He gave the man a long, searching look. “…Shouma?”
The man blinked and spun around to face Lloyd.
“Mm? Hmm? Wait…Lloyd?!”
Certain now, Lloyd broke into a huge smile, throwing his arms around the older boy.
“Wow! Shouma, it’s been way too long!”
Shouma hugged Lloyd back, rubbing his head. “Lloyd! You’ve grown so tall!”
Like two close-knit brothers reunited.
“Uh, what? You know each other?” Riho asked.
“Yeah, this is Shouma. He’s from Kunlun.”
““…Oh.””
Both girls let out a little yelp of horror. After experiencing Alka’s superhuman powers and outlandish behavior, well…it certainly explained a lot about Shouma.
“Shouma brings stuff from outside Kunlun back to the village.”
“I transport goods, collect info, look into the latest fads—all part of my job. So what’s up, Lloyd? You working here now?”
“Just for the weekend. I’m actually a cadet in the army in Azami.”
Shouma immediately began rubbing his cheek on Lloyd.
“Wow! Your dream came true! Such passion! Passion in action! Congrats, Lloyd!”
His cries echoed down the hall. People were leaning out of their rooms to see what the fuss was about.
“Er, um…sorry, we’re bothering the other guests,” Riho said, but Shouma just kept yelling.
“Ohhh! Sorry! Sorry! Okay! We’ve got a lot to catch up on, so—my room!”
“You’re sure?”
“Of course I am! We gotta enjoy this…once the room is clean!”
Shouma proudly ushered them all in, only to get looks of horror.
The place looked like it had been burgled. Clothes had been flung everywhere.
“So you two are Lloyd’s classmates? Such passion!” Shouma cried.
“Yeah…”
What exactly was passionate about that? Neither of them could keep up with this dude.
Neatly folding shirts, Lloyd asked the obvious question.
“Wait, but why are you staying here?”
“On a delivery!” Shouma said. “That’s what brought me.”
“Oh, so you’re working?”
“Yeah, some pretty dangerous goods…like three cases of bottle bombs. Really urgent stuff! They must have something they really wanna burn! Gotta support that kinda passion! It really got me right here, you know? So I figured they should blow up extra good and brought bottle bombs modified with magic stones! The fire will be massive!”
“Bottle bombs?” Selen remarked. “How terrifying.”
“Don’t look away!” Riho said. “You’re the one who ordered them, right?”
Obviously.
Oblivious to their exchange, Shouma kept right on talking. Evidently, he wasn’t a detail-oriented dude.
“Then I figured, why not try a suite? But it was named after a real creep, so I was like, ew, sorry, can I change rooms? I’d have had nightmares staying there.”
“…So you’re rich?” Selen asked.
“Money has no value,” Shouma declared. “Not to me, anyway.”
Riho frowned at this. “You’re from Kunlun, but you don’t look strong.”
“Oh, yeah, well, you gotta learn to hide your aura, right? Otherwise, anyone’s who’s been through some real shit or some martial artists looking for a challenge will pick up on it and hassle you. Also…”
He shot both girls a sharp look.
“People try to take advantage of us.”
For a moment…just a moment, they caught a glimpse of unfathomable power, and a chill ran down their spines.
They gulped.
He laughed. “Sorry! Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you! Just…lots of history. Ah-ha-ha. I can tell from looking at Lloyd that you two ain’t the type.”
Even his smile seemed frightening now.
“What are you talking about, Shouma?” Lloyd asked, behind him.
“Nah, nothing! Right! All clean! Well, it’s a shame, but we’d better wrap things up quick. Don’t wanna run into anyone who might be tagging after you, Lloyd.”
Shouma gave Lloyd a head rub to avoid answering. “Lemme ask you one thing, Lloyd. You still love that novel?”
“Yes! Still my favorite. I reread it all the time.”
“That’s all I need to hear! See you around! And you two—look after Lloyd for me.”
With that, he shouldered his luggage and was gone like the wind.
“…What’s with that guy?”
“For a moment there, his eyes… Augh, I don’t wanna think about it.”
Lloyd was just pleased to have met his brother figure, but the two girls felt like they’d brushed up against the unknowable.
Still reeling from their surprise encounter with the Kunlun villager, Lloyd’s group went to check on the other suspicious guests.
“Get it together… There’s still the highly suspicious room 201.”
This time, they were wheeling a cart full of food.
“They’re the ones ordering all the food, right?” Selen asked.
Riho nodded. “Yeah, I checked the receipts, and the volume is straight-up insane. Far more than two people could possibly eat. Which means…”
“There’s someone…something else in there.”
“We have to assume they’re hiding something they don’t want anyone else seeing.”
They nodded gravely. Then, a hesitant voice rose from the cart in front of them.
“Um…so what should I…?”
They’d hidden Lloyd inside the cart. Riho bent down, whispering to him.
“You’re a backup plan—if they’re too cautious to let us in the room, we can leave the cart behind.”
“And I can check the interior for anything suspicious!”
“Yes, you’re great at remaining undetected, Sir Lloyd! This will be easy for you.”
“Oh, everyone in the village can do what I do!” Lloyd said sheepishly. “When I played hide-and-seek with the other village children, I could never find anybody!”
The girls smiled, but those smiles were very strained.
“Yeah, by the standards of your village…”
“I never imagined they’d be hiding so far belowground they were under the bedrock!”
Did that even count as hide-and-seek anymore? What passed for common sense in Kunlun was a constant source of astonishment.
Feeling like nothing could surprise them after hearing Lloyd’s tales, Riho and Selen reached the door to room 201 and nodded at each other.
“Right…”
They knocked, then waited. Footsteps like an excited child’s raced toward the door.
“A kid?” Riho wondered, baffled.
When the door was flung open, a familiar blond girl stepped out.
“Welcome! Nothing better than a meal you can expense! My favorite food is meat someone else is paying for! Free meals are better than three meals! Ya got the goods, Johnny? Don’t think you can pull one over on Mena Quinone— Wait, Riho and Selen?”
This stream of words came from the older sister of their classmate Phyllo—Mena.
Riho and Selen stared at her in surprise—but that soon gave way to puzzled frowns.
“Who’s Johnny?”
“We’re not Johnny!”
Mena winced. “I’m afraid I’ve let you catch a rare glimpse of me disgracing myself.”
“Nah, you’re pretty much always like that.”
Mena Quinone had gold hair and smiling eyes, and she was currently a Royal Sorcerer. Words tumbled out of her like an announcer at a pro wrestling event, but she was a first-rate expert in water magic. Thanks to Lloyd, they’d realized her goofy exterior was a cover for a much more calculating interior.
“So why are you here? Seasonal work?”
“Something like that… Let’s not talk in the hall. Let’s go in and sit down!”
“Hey, that’s for me to offer! But I guess you two are safe.”
Safe for what? Riho and Selen looked at each other.
“What’s that mean? You don’t have a monster hiding in here, do you?”
“…A monster would be cuter. Nah, I guess she’s cute in her own way.”
A cold sweat on her brow, Mena beckoned them in.
“……Hic.”
Phyllo was leaning against the wall. Her face was expressionless—but bright red. Bits and pieces of the furniture appeared to have been demolished.
“Er, Phyllo?”
If Mena was here, it made sense Phyllo would be with her. But with her face that red…she must have been drunk. A fact that made Riho start backing away.
“……Mm?……Riho……Selen?” Phyllo’s head tilted to one side.
Selen chose her words carefully. “Um…Phyllo? Why are you…?”
“……Wait……I wanna roll around…”
Phyllo threw herself on a bed, wrapped her arms around a pillow, and proceeded to roll back and forth.
“…Talking to her seems imposs— Yikes!”
Phyllo’s rolling had abruptly transformed into a throwing technique known as the Hell Wheel. The pillow tore apart, scattering the stuffing everywhere. If the pillow had been a person, neither of them would have been able to eat offal of any kind ever again.
“……Not enough joints.”
With that sinister statement, Phyllo leaned against the wall again.
“What the hell was that? Explain!” Riho snarled.
Mena just shook her head. “Uh, I got a little carried away and ordered some booze, and Phyllo accidentally drank some… Once she’s full, she’ll fall asleep, so I’ve been ordering everything I can.”
All that food was just going into Phyllo, then? The solution to the mystery left them dumbfounded.
“Y-yeah, Phyllo. You feeling better?”
“……Wait…… I wanna roll around…”
“Is it me, or is she repeating the same conversation?”
Phyllo grabbed a nearby chair and began rolling around. This time, she shifted into an Octopus Hold, and soon the chair was a pile of kindling.
“……Not enough creaking bones.”
She reassumed her default position against the wall, with a statement arguably even more sinister.
“That…doesn’t appear to be getting better. More like she’s powering up.”
“She’s a growing girl?”
“She’s tall enough right now!”
“……Mm?…… Riho……Selen?”
“Is this gonna end without bloodshed?”
The infinite loop was starting again, but just as the three of them clutched their heads…Phyllo did something else.
She began looking right and left, sniffing the air.
Was this the start of a new loop?
Then Phyllo stopped dead in her tracks, whispering, “…………I smell my master.”
““Ah!””
Only now did they remember Lloyd was on standby under the cart.
“Lloyd’s here?” Mena asked.
Riho nodded, glancing at the cart.
“…Only he can stop Phyllo now.”
“But if we put Lloyd in front of her, they’ll grapple so hard, he may not emerge with his purity unscathed.”
“Please. If this room gets any more wrecked, I can’t expense it.”
Riho found it hard to believe Mena’s account could cover the damages now, but…
“No! If we feed this ravenous beast bloody meat…the results will be far too scandalous!”
Riho found it hard to see the difference between that scenario and Selen’s own behavior.
“I get your point, Selen, but talking about it isn’t getting us anywhere…not that I’m a fan of the idea…”
“Oh no!”
As they talked, Phyllo had gotten down on all fours and was rapidly approaching the cart.
She sniffed at it, expressionless. Like a police dog searching for drugs, she smelled the cart from every angle and then peered underneath.
“Uh, hi…,” Lloyd said, waving weakly.
“…Welcome.”
Then Phyllo grabbed his wrist and dragged him onto the bed.
“Ph-Phyllooo!”
No sooner was Lloyd on the bed than she was mounted on top of him.
“…Your fault for letting your guard down.”
“I’m not letting my…”
“…Your what?”
“My guard down!”
Their conversation wasn’t quite adding up. It was as if one was perceiving a double entendre where none existed. Like a scene in a rom-com.
““Hmph.””
Picking up on that vibe, Selen and Riho snorted in unison. Both were looking extremely cross.
“Phyllo’s drunk. Cut her some slack,” Mena said.
“So drunks can do whatever they want?!” Selen pounced. “That makes no sense! The law does not agree!”
Riho would normally point out that stalkers shouldn’t be discussing the law, but instead she went full-on dark hero. “Then in the law’s stead, I shall pass judgment…”
It was kinda badass.
Meanwhile, Lloyd was being further dominated.
“…Listen to that creaking.” Phyllo had locked his joints, listening to the sound of his bones.
But before Lloyd could say another word, she wrapped her legs around his and went into a spin, throwing him behind her—a perfect Hell Wheel.
Lloyd was not so easily bested. Even as he spun, he said, “Hang on a second!”
“…Hi-yah!” Phyllo threw her arms around him from behind.
With love…she put him into a perfect Octopus Hold.
This involved a strangle hold, entirely cutting off the flow of oxygen to the brain. Anyone else would have gone purple, but…
“Phyllo! You’re pressing up against me!” Lloyd turned red instead, mortified. Guess what was pressing up against him. Hint: something spanning thirty-five inches.
“…Not enough for you, Master? Then…”
And finally, Phyllo put her legs around Lloyd’s face.
““……gh!””
Selen and Riho let out a wordless shriek.
“Mmph! Mmmph…,” Lloyd protested.
Phyllo toppled over, slamming Lloyd to the ground headfirst.
There was a loud thunk—not a sound you’d expect to come from a bed.
“…Only you can handle my full strength, Master. Yawn…”
A wave of sleepiness seemed to hit Phyllo. Her eyes fluttered, and she flopped over on the bed.
Lying upside-down where she’d dropped him after the storm of violence, Lloyd was speechless.
“…What a nice dream… Mmph…,” Phyllo mumbled.
The preceding scene would have been fatal to anyone else, so it was more of a nightmare, really.
But Phyllo looked satisfied. Sprawled out on the bed, she was soon fast asleep. His clothes and hair all messed up, Lloyd flapped his lips as if to protest…but it was too late.
“So much physical contact! Unforgivable!”
“You could have taken his place,” Riho told Selen.
Selen definitely would have.
“Yeah, no normal person could take Phyllo’s Hell Wheel-turned-Octopus Sleeper-turned-Avalanche Brainbuster! Well done, Lloyd.”
“Don’t ever let her drink again.”
Mena settled down on the floor since there were no chairs intact.
From the bed, Lloyd broached the real question. “So why are the two of you here?”
“Oh, see, the government asked us to investigate a thing.”
“You mean…?”
“They’ve been finding people unconscious, like the life’s been drained out of them.”
They hadn’t been expecting to hear this from Mena. She didn’t seem to notice.
“So I took advantage of Phyllo’s school holiday and brought her with me,” Mena explained. “Naturally, once we got here, the first task at hand was to expense a bunch of good grub.”
“You say that like it’s common sense.”
“But this means our goals are aligned.”
Riho filled Mena in on their side—stressing the injustice of being forced to work while Selen got to fulfill her dreams.
“I guess I can see how we’d be suspicious… My bad.”
“Would you be up for comparing notes? Anything you know that we don’t?”
“Hmm… Well, the pizza and ice cream here are amazing.”
“Not about the local delicacies! About the case! I wanna solve this thing so I can go back to being a guest on vacation! Before the holiday ends!”
“That pizza was very good,” Selen said sorrowfully. “But anything would taste good eaten with Sir Lloyd.”
“Argh, and this while I was sweeping up horse dung!”
Before the conversation could get any more sidetracked, Mena shared the intel the government had provided.
“The incidents started about two years ago. A number of adventurers and hunters were found in the forest, the life drained out of them, leaving them comatose for three days and nights. So an investigation was launched. At first, they just figured it was a monster of some kind and didn’t take it that seriously…but then, something happened that turned it into a huge problem.”
“What was that?”
“Illegal cultivation…of highly dangerous monsters called treants.”
“What? Treants are monsters? There were tons of those all around the village, and just the other day…”
“…What?” Mena shouted, her eyes opening briefly.
“Ignore him, Mena. Go on!”
“Well, uh…you’ve heard treants can be turned into lumber? Someone’s cultivating them illegally, hoping to get rich quick. And this time, they might have a seedling.”
“A seedling?”
Mina proceeded to fill them in on what made the saplings so dangerous.
“Yeah, and seedlings can spread faster than the seeds. It was stolen from a lab somewhere…and whoever’s been growing treants from the seeds might be using the seedling now.”
“So if that expands them into a horde… Crap.”
“Lots of details are still murky, so I brought Phyllo with me, calling it a vacation…but maybe it’s a good thing there’s really something to it. Now I can rack up the expenses guilt-free!”
“That’s all you care about, huh,” Riho said, disgusted.
Mena let her eyes slowly open, speaking seriously again. “On the off chance there is a seedling involved, we’ve got a shot at winning. With that lake nearby, I’ve got a lot more options for my water magic… Even if they’ve laid down roots and are expanding fast, I should be able to handle it.”
“At least you’re on top of it.”
“It is my job…but having fun is a key part of any work!” Mena was back to her usual tone. “Now that I’ve got me some powerful allies on the hotel staff, we’d better get this thing cranking!”
“All right! I wanna get this over with and kick back, too.”
Riho got up…
But Mena’s focus was already off-track.
“To the restaurant!”
“That’s what you mean? Didn’t you already have enough food?”
“Phyllo ate most of that! Like sixty percent of it!”
“That’s basically half!”
“And with Phyllo all drunk, I don’t feel like I really ate anything. I can’t fight on an empty stomach! We’ve gotta fill up before any combat happens.”
“Geez… Don’t I have enough headaches to wrangle?” Riho muttered. It was almost a prayer.
But that prayer…would never be answered. She had forgotten that the biggest headache was still out there.
Back at the shop on the East Side, a fruitless battle was beginning.
“What does this mean, Marie?!”
“What do you mean?”
It was evening. With Lloyd gone, Marie was glumly drinking coffee while Alka stood on the table, her entire body shaking with rage like a little dancer.
Or maybe something weirder than that. It was like a video game character glitching. Marie just gave the half-grown grandma her best frosty stare.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Marie?”
“Tell you what?”
It took nearly an hour for Alka to return to normal. When she finally calmed down, she explained herself.
“Hff. Hff… The place Lloyd’s working…I didn’t think it would be there!”
She waved a flyer around. It was beautifully printed, explaining the facilities available at the Reiyoukaku Hotel and in its vicinity.
“What about it? Seemed perfectly ordinary to me.”
“Look closely! Right here!” Alka was pointing to an illustration of the hotel staff bowing and smiling.
“A drawing of a smile?”
“Not that! What’s wrong with your eyes?” Alka drew a circle on the flyer with her finger.
“…The bellboy…uniform?” Marie asked.
“Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!” Alka yelled, as if Marie had correctly answered a question on a game show. “Exactly!”
Marie was clutching her head now.
That’s right! She fed Lloyd novels about heroic soldiers as a kid just so she could see him in a military uniform!
The contrast between Lloyd’s cute smile and the stoic uniform really did it for Alka. Her fetish was borderline pathological. This was another symptom of that illness.
“A once-in-a-lifetime chance to see him in this uniform! A matter of life and death! How could I let this chance go to waste, you loathsome nincompoop?!”
“………”
“Lloyd in this uniform! Leading me to my room, carrying my things, saying, ‘Watch your step!’ Just the thought of it, and… Augh! Augh!”
“………”
Marie finished her coffee and went to the kitchen to fill the cup with water. Like she’d promised Lloyd she would.
Alka was now bleating like a goat. Marie smiled at her.
“Shall we?”
“Augh… Mm?”
“You want to see Lloyd’s uniform, right?”
“But Lloyd told you not to go, right? You’re sure?”
“Lloyd mistakenly believes I’m the hero saving this kingdom from the shadows.”
Time for a quick recap: Lloyd wasn’t aware that Marie was a princess. One misunderstanding after another had led him to the conclusion that she was the kingdom’s secret savior.
“Oh, right, he did say that…,” Alka muttered, then shot Marie a So what? look.
Marie proudly explained her plan.
“Suppose there was a dangerous criminal in that hotel. Wouldn’t that give us an excuse to be there? And once the danger’s gone, since we’re there anyway, we might as well enjoy the hot springs. Pretty good, right?”
Alka grinned. “You’ve become a very bad girl, Marie… Hmm?”
Marie had climbed up on Alka’s back.
“Right, let’s go! It’s a quick trip for anyone from Kunlun! We’ll be seeing Lloyd in no time!”
“I’m not your personal carriage!” Alka shrieked.
“According to tradition, witches grant wishes in exchange for payment of equal value,” Marie replied calmly. “In other words, your payment for seeing Lloyd in a bellboy uniform is that you have to carry me there with you.”
“Like student, like master… I dunno whether to be horrified or proud.”
“Hi-ho! Giddyap!”
Riho had unwittingly jinxed herself. Further headaches were on the way.
“Before anything awful happens! Before disaster strikes!”
“Or so we’re claiming, right?”
A disaster? Little did they know, their excuse was realer than either of them suspected.
While the overprotective duo were racing toward them at blinding speed, Lloyd and company were headed for the hotel restaurant.
The restaurant was hugely popular with hotel guests and visitors alike. It allowed them to enjoy a meal with a lovely view of the lake.
Coba was standing at the entrance, greeting guests with a broad smile.
“A personal welcome from the owner?” Lloyd said, impressed. “He sure works hard.”
“Oh, Lloyd!” Coba cried, hustling over to them. “Sorry about all this… How’s it going?”
“Still searching for clues,” Lloyd reported apologetically.
“Well, I don’t need the culprit caught immediately,” Coba said cheerily. “What matters is that you stay on guard against anyone else falling victim.”
“Thank you for your kind words, sir!”
Lloyd bowed politely. Selen appeared at his side.
“And our meeting is going swimmingly! Not only will no one see through the ruse—at this rate, we’ll really end up married!”
She was definitely benefiting the most from this arrangement. What had happened to that whole conflict with her father, anyway?
“Uh, sure… Glad to hear it’s going well,” Coba managed to say. Then he noticed their uniforms. “Mm? You’re going to eat in the restaurant dressed like that?”
“Is that a problem?”
Coba scratched his hairless head. “Well, it’s not the staff dining area… Yeah, better not go in wearing those uniforms. Do you mind changing? Also, Allan’s and Selen’s families are inside, so…”
“Ugh,” Riho groaned.
But Selen was still going full throttle. “We can’t get caught! We’ll have to keep the date going! Friends, let us celebrate our inevitable marriage! That’s our excuse for dining here! Come!”
“It really doesn’t have to be this restaurant…,” Riho grumbled.
Mena giggled. “Wow, it’s like you can’t bear seeing Lloyd and Selen flirting even if you know it’s just pretend.”
“That’s not it!” Riho insisted. “Just…my point is…”
Words failed her when something hit too close to home.
“Cool, then go change! This restaurant’s so good, they put it in the hotel guide.”
“Y-yeah… Looking forward to it! Dammit.”
“…Geez. Wouldn’t it be easier to just admit it?” Mena gave Riho a look of pity, but Riho stuck to her guns. Coba patted her on the shoulder.
“Looking forward to it… Owner? What is it?”
“Since you’re looking forward to it, I hate to ask, but…we’re short-staffed…”
“……Seriously?” Riho froze, her mouth open.
“Well, Riho! Sir Lloyd and I will just go change, so get some work done while you wait!”
Triumphantly, Selen turned and left.
“…To hell with horses!” Riho spat, trudging off to the kitchen.
As the sun set, the magic stones began lighting up. In the restaurant in Reiyoukaku, Lloyd and Selen sat in formal attire, gazing at the view of the lake—well, at least one of them was.
“You’re wonderful…”
“Er, yeah…Selen…”
“Tch… Tch… Tch!”
Riho’s tongue clicks were basically their background music.
“How many children should we have? I’d like enough to form a platoon!”
“You’ve forgotten the engagement and skipped ahead to the honeymoon!”
Riho angrily slammed a glass of water down in front of Selen, forcing her to wipe up the spray with a napkin.
“Honestly, where does this hotel get their servers?”
“You’ll pay for that later,” Riho barked. Then she saw Lloyd looking confused. “Hang in there, Lloyd.”
“Come, come! Bring us our feast!” Selen demanded. She’d clearly forgotten all about the crimes they were investigating. “I’ll feed you, Sir Lloyd! Open wide!”
“I’ll tear you wide open!” Riho snarled, glaring.
Lloyd quickly grabbed her hand. “Riho…over there…”
She followed his gaze and saw Threonine and Selen’s father talking. Desperate to catch a lead in the case, Threonine was raining questions down on his opponent as if conducting an interrogation. He seemed ready to tempt him with food for a confession, like they were on a police show.
“Argh…”
It wouldn’t do to blow their cover. Riho caught Lloyd’s meaning and reluctantly nodded. Selen pulled his arm closer, looking proud of herself.
“I think this lowly server should hurry up and fetch our meal, don’t you, darling?”
“You little… Fine.”
Then the picturesque view of the illuminated lake outside the window…was suddenly decorated with two familiar faces. One was a pip-squeak of a grandma with two black pigtails. The other wore a witch’s black pointed hat.
When Riho’s eyes met theirs, they hastily hid themselves.
“…I just…saw the witch and your chief…”
Selen froze for a moment but quickly recovered. “Heh…heh-heh. Idle threats will get you nowhere, Riho.”
“No, I didn’t mean… Maybe I’m just tired.” Riho rubbed her eyes.
“I’m so hungry!” Mena wailed, like a petulant child.
She was the oldest person there.
“…Yeah, I must be tired. With everything that’s happened, how could anyone not be?”
Riho’s shoulders drooped, and she headed back to the kitchen. All manner of utensils dangled from the ceiling, and the ingredients were top-notch. Riho figured she’d bring out a salad or something…but then noticed something amiss.
“Weird… There’s no one here.”
At this hour, the place should have been teeming. Riho looked again.
“What say we mix in some of this balm-based puree? It smells positively poisonous.”
“Good idea, Marie. This soup should drive off the pests.”
“I’ll give it a good stir.”
“Oh, you really know how to stir a pot! Like a regular witch.”
They were clearly up to no good.
“What the hell are you two doing?”
The two idiots spun around. Their eyes said it all—Lloyd deprivation had driven them around the bend. Riho had seen that look before…in Selen’s eyes. A sad state of affairs.
“Oh, Riho! We’re making soup,” Marie said, without a trace of guilt.
“A delicious soup that will destroy that interloper Selen’s very mind,” Alka cackled. She showed Riho the contents of the pot. The color made her dry-heave.
“Uh…there are other guests here, so please don’t… You’re disrupting business.”
“What? I’m sure this will taste marvelous,” Marie insisted.
“I heard you say ‘poisonous’ just a second ago!” Riho snapped. “Go on. Try some.”
“Er…”
“It’s delicious, right? You said so yourself! Surely you’re confident in your own creation, Chef Marie.”
“…Uh…” Marie couldn’t think of a good retort.
“Good luck, Marie!” Alka threw her under the bus.
“………” Marie hadn’t expected to have to try any herself, but she reluctantly raised a spoon to her lips. “…Here goes nothing.”
Slurp. (The sweet sound of soup being inhaled.)
Splat. (The sickly sound of the same soup being violently spat out.)
“Tolerable,” Marie announced, wiping her mouth.
“Liar!” Riho yelped.
“’E f’avor ith rewwy lingering in my mouf,” Marie added. She’d never make it as a food critic.
“Your entire tongue’s gone numb! We can’t serve this! They’ll shut the place down! And what did you do with the real cooks?”
“When we got here, there was only one weird lady,” Alka said. “A suspicious redhead. She was trying to do something with that bottle of balm.”
“Mm? Redhead?”
Riho felt like someone had been talking about a redhead earlier…but before she could piece it together, Marie stole a peek at the dining hall.
“…Master, Riho, look here.”
They did and saw…
“Yes, darling. Open wide!”
“Um, Selen… That’s just water. Eep!”
“See? That’s what happens when you don’t do it properly. I spilled it on your pants. Let me wipe them for you.”
“Er, I can do that myself! Seriously!”
“““……………”””
Thunk.
“Thanks for waiting! Chef’s special soup.”
“It rea’y does th’ body good.”
“I reckon you ought to savor it like water after the apocalypse.”
Health code violations be damned! Riho had slammed the slop down in front of Selen, Marie and Alka grinning on either side of her.
Their unexpected arrival clearly flummoxed Selen. “Oh…my! Where’d you come from?”
“Chief…and Marie?”
“Explanations can wait. First—m’lady, take a hit. You said everything tastes good when you’re with Lloyd, right?” Riho’s eyes were like steel.
She was really holding this fake date against Selen.
“Wait…a ‘hit’? That’s not a word that applies to soup!”
“Selen,” Marie said, her voice like velvet, “I made this just for you. Witch’s soup.”
“Your eyes aren’t matching your tone!”
“Drop dead!”
Childish grandmas did not mince words.
“Hey, Alka! Be subtle! Sweeten the pot!” warned Riho.
“How sweet it is doesn’t matter. It’ll still dissolve her stomach lining and spread the poison to the rest of her organs! Who cares about taste?”
“Marie, it’s Alka’s delivery that Riho wanted sweetened— Wait, poison? Did you say poison?”
Riho grabbed Selen’s shoulder and held a spoon to her lips.
“Ha! Blame Mena for not stopping your rampage… Mm? Where is Mena?”
A moment ago, she’d been on the verge of a starvation-fueled temper tantrum, but there was no sign of her now.
Then, in the distance, they heard her strangled shriek.
“Phyllo! Not that way!”
Mena came rushing past, trailing an expressionless drunk. Both headed right for the kitchen.
“…I want grape juice.”
“That was wine! You’ve gotta be grown up to drink that! No, don’t…Phyllo!”
Mena was definitely full-on desperate—and Phyllo did actually stop.
“…I have to be grown up… Then I’ll have my master make a woman out of me!”
“That’s not the qualifying factor! Lloyd, run! Phyllo’s still drunk! She’ll steal you first!”
But this warning only alerted Phyllo to Lloyd’s presence.
“…There you are.”
With no lead-up at all, Phyllo vaulted in their direction with physical abilities rivaling those of anyone from Kunlun. Lloyd moved too late, and she caught him.
“Ah!”
Phyllo straddled Lloyd, staring down at him, expressionless.
“……I’m gonna puke,” she said. From her current angle, that would mean a critical hit on Lloyd’s face.
“Wait! This is a restaurant!” Riho shouted, somehow clinging to the memory of being employed here. She tried rubbing Phyllo’s back.
“It’ll be a lifelong trauma for the both of you!” Marie said, speaking from personal experience. This made her very convincing. “You’ll let out a weird shriek every time you remember!”
“Yes! Allow me to mount him in your place!”
Half-grown grandmas have no concept of restraint. Alka was definitely the type to floor it, no matter what street she was driving down.
“Right. Have some soup and calm down,” Selen offered, trying to deftly rid herself of the tainted dish.
With everyone acting at odds, the scene was total chaos. And they were attracting considerable attention.
“Don’t drink that, Phyllo! It might well stop your heart.”
“You served me something dangerous enough to stop my heart?!” Selen shrieked.
“……Urp.”
“Calm down, everyone! Something dangerous might come out of Phyllo!”
“Calm down and switch places with me, Phyllo,” urged Alka.
“Please be quiet!”
A sudden roar from Lloyd, of all people. Everyone froze, looking at him.
Lloyd put Phyllo on his chair, gently rubbing her back.
“There’s a lot to say here, but…Chief, Marie?”
““Uh…yes?”” they squeaked, like students yelled at by the teacher who never rose their voice at anyone.
Giving them a stern look, Lloyd said, “I asked you not to come here.”
““Uh…right…””
“I know you must be worried about me, but I can’t have you showing up at work all the time.”
The main point of concern should have been their motivation—crossing half the continent just to see Lloyd dressed as a bellboy.
But for Lloyd, it was like his having his parents show up only to make a scene… Naturally, even he got mad.
“Crap, Marie! Lloyd’s mad at us!” Alka yelped.
Marie nodded. “Yes… Switch to Plan B.”
She adjusted her glasses, putting the alternate plan into action. “That’s not why we’re here, Lloyd. Have you forgotten what I do in the shadows?”
Lloyd thought for a second, and then realization dawned.
“Y-you mean…”
Marie nodded. Lloyd was convinced she was the secret hero saving Azami, though it was actually Lloyd who’d saved the realm… He just hadn’t realized it.
“Yes. Fact is, there’s a plot being hatched somewhere nearby that could upend the entire kingdom,” Marie said, rattling off her prepared excuse. “I’ve asked Chief Alka to assist me in investigating. By pure, bizarre coincidence, we happen to be where you’re working.”
Everyone was listening. This seemed to be going a little too well. Marie was getting worried, but she stuck to her guns.
“I’ve got a pretty good idea who’s behind all this, so I figured no time like the present. That’s why I came rushing here.”
“Yes! We’re absolutely not here to gawk at you in your bellboy uniform, Lloyd!”
Marie tried to stop Alka from blurting out anything else.
“So you know who’s putting everyone in comas?!” Lloyd exclaimed, gazing at her with respect.
“Yes, I know it’s hard to believe,” Marie continued. “Uh…comas?”
This was news to her. Baffled, she looked at the others…who grimly returned her gaze.
“I see… So the realm’s taking this seriously enough for you to get personally involved,” Riho started.
“Huh?”
“I just assumed you were here to see Sir Lloyd. I apologize,” added Selen.
“Huh?”
“The realm only ordered a formal investigation yesterday… Just who are you, witch?” asked Mena.
“……Mm,” offered Phyllo.
“Mm?”
Marie was getting more lost by the second.
“Marie,” Alka whispered, “I think there’s actually something going on here.”
“A hotel incident? Like in a mystery novel?!”
And Marie had just cast herself in the role of the detective about to reveal whodunnit.
As realization dawned, her confident smile faded. This was the climax of the novel, the moment when the culprit was identified.
“Marie, you’re in trouble! Maybe better to admit you’re lying? Lloyd probably won’t talk to you for a week, but nothing worse, at least.”
“A week? I don’t know if I’d survive that…”
“Don’t be silly! Go on, be honest, yell ‘Gotcha!’ with a big smile…”
“Master, this is serious.”
Why was this happening to her? Marie frowned, trying to find a way out.
“Oh? This all sounds very intriguing.” Threonine had broken off his conversation with Selen’s father and was striding toward them. “You know who’s behind the comas?”
“Lord Threonine, pay no attention to the babblings of these suspicious individuals,” his secretary protested.
Threonine ignored him, fixing Marie with a pointed glare.
Cowed, Marie took a step back. “Uh, why are you so interested?”
He was a total stranger to her, but from the look of him, she knew that if she yelled “Gotcha,” he’d probably sock her in the face and send her teeth flying everywhere.
But then, Coba ran over with a bucket (having reacted swiftly to the word puke), ready to catch anything that came out of Phyllo. He seemed relieved to see her looking better, but then saw trouble brewing between a witch and a local lord and reassumed his worried expression.
“Uh…Lord Threonine and…young lady…what’s going on here?”
There was quite a crowd watching. He needed to contain the situation.
Threonine glanced at Coba and at Selen’s father, who had started following him over, and scowled.
“Well, well…what fortuitous timing. It seems this witch has figured out who’s behind the string of incidents involving the unconscious victims.”
He sounded like he thought all the suspects had arrived.
“The culprit? Hmm…” Since Coba’s prime suspect was Threonine, he read something else into that—and began looking suspiciously from Threonine to Marie.
And since Threonine’s prime suspect was Coba, he took Coba’s reaction as an obvious performance.
“What’s all the fuss about?” Selen’s father demanded, joining them.
Threonine decided to close the case. “You’ve heard the stories about people turning up in comas? Seems this black-robed detective knows who’s responsible. You might want to hear this.”
“Really?” Selen’s father said, baffled.
“Really?” Marie repeated, but this was a horrified response to being called a detective.
Coba was studying her behavior, as well as her garb. His frown deepened.
“You’re clearly not law enforcement…so just who are you? If you’re putting on an act in the hopes of a payout, I suggest you leave.”
“Er, no, nothing like that…,” Marie said with absolutely no follow-up. Which was natural, seeing as she’d only just heard about the trouble and had been lying through her teeth.
Threonine appeared skeptical, too.
“Do you really know who’s doing it? You’d better not be lying for money. Not after getting my hopes up.”
This potential betrayal had his stony visage looking even craggier.
“Eep,” Marie shrieked. This was clearly life or death.
“Hold on a minute!” Lloyd interjected, stepping in. “I can vouch for Marie. She’s not the sort of person who’d lie about this. She solves cases from the shadows all the time!”
“Uh-huh…”
This was less help than a bullet in the back. Lloyd’s well-intentioned attempt to vouch for her had made it even harder to backpedal.
“Really…?”
But of course, no one would believe a claim like Lloyd’s without evidence. Marie still had a chance of insisting she was just Lloyd’s roommate—but then she saw how the two men reacted.
“Well, if Lloyd says so, it must be true!”
“I see. You’re a friend of Lloyd’s! Then your deductions must be sound!”
All suspicion had melted away completely. In fact, every staff member in the vicinity was nodding happily.
“Why does everyone have such absolute faith in Lloyd?”
“I know just how you feel, Marie,” Riho sympathized, clapping her on the back.
But now Marie had to deal with two older men gazing at her expectantly. And all of Lloyd’s friends. Escape was no longer an option.
Alka leaned in and whispered, “Marie, you’ve got to buy some time.”
“Stall? Right…”
She desperately tried to smooth things over.
“Um, so…b-basically, Alka and I have already nipped things in the bud. Don’t worry.”
This was “basically” a lie. Given that Alka looked like a little girl, her corroboration wasn’t particularly convincing. But…
“Oh! I see Lloyd was right to place his trust in you. You’ve already eliminated the monsters!”
Their faith in Lloyd was enough to make any old crap sound meaningful.
“…Monsters?”
A stir ran through the crowd.
“I-I’ll go call the police!” Threonine’s secretary yelped, dashing into the hall.
The word police proved to be the final nail in the coffin, and the situation was now permanently out of control. The crowd had been watching like some sort of dinner theater, but now they were beginning to look genuinely alarmed.
Marie certainly was. She pulled Alka into a corner, pleading for advice.
“Master! I took your advice, but I think it made things worse!” she whispered.
Alka grinned maliciously. “Well, then I’ll just have to go investigate—starting in the hot springs! You buy me more time!”
“You tricked me! Now there’s no way out!”
Marie finally realized Alka had been setting her up. She took a step toward the underdeveloped grandma, her blood boiling.
A mini vaudeville act was unfolding in the corner of the restaurant. Riho and Selen had seen this before and realized at once what was really going on.
“I didn’t trick anybody! Don’t you worry! I’ll just wait till you’re entirely at the end of your rope, covered in cold sweat, and collapsed from panic, and then I’ll use an ancient rune to wipe everyone’s memories for you,” Alka whispered.
This dreadful solution only made Marie angrier.
“You can’t do that! Think of something now! This instant!”
“You should never have turned me into your horse,” Alka said smugly. “Let’s hit this hot spring! Work up a sweat in the sauna! Come, Lloyd, we’ll just get in the way of Marie’s detective work! I fancy a soak. Everyone can join us!”
“Er…but…the culprit?” Lloyd hesitated, radiating pure faith in Marie.
Riho clapped him on the shoulder. “Come on.”
“Master! You’re abandoning me?! I want to use the hot springs, too!” Marie cried.
“And you will! Once you’re absolutely drenched in flop sweat. Good luck!”
“You little hag!”
But Marie’s agonized shriek was powerless before the lure of the hot springs.
“So who’s responsible for these attacks?” Threonine growled.
Utterly abandoned, Marie only had one option…
“Well, let’s not rush, here. First, we’ll have to review the facts of the case. Let’s see… What was the first incident?”
“…You don’t know? Can we really trust this girl?” Selen’s father asked. A legitimate question.
“Of course we can! Lloyd guaranteed it!” Threonine bellowed.
“Absolutely. Our hotel has placed its faith in Lloyd—his word is all we need,” Coba chimed in.
Selen’s father did not look satisfied, but ignoring him, Marie threw herself into this strategy.
“R-right, we need to view the situation as a whole! I’m aware of all the particulars, of course! Thoroughly aware.”
“Very well… Let’s begin with the first incident that occurred here in the hotel, all so we can expose the culprit.”
“Mm, let’s catch this villain!”
Coba and Threonine locked eyes, smiling broadly. Everyone could almost see the angry puffs of smoke between them.
“………”
Meanwhile, Selen’s father just gave Marie a suspicious glare. The crowd around them seemed equally dubious.
“…That’s understandable, yeah. How did Lloyd get these two to trust him so completely? Anyway, gotta keep up the detective act… Damn that kid grandma…”
Marie was forced to maintain her pretense while she awaited Alka’s return.
“I knew it! I knew she was making it all up! Argh!” Riho howled, her voice echoing off the stones of the bath.
Without the ribbon in her hair, Riho seemed like a totally different person—aside from her mechanical arm and decidedly middle-aged mannerisms. She dunked her face underwater and made bubbles.
“Yeah. Sorry. I never imagined there was actually something happening here,” Alka admitted, stepping into the bath behind Riho. Her smooth skin and flat chest were adolescent, while her satisfied groan betrayed her grandma nature.
“Well, if we wrap this thing up too fast, I’ll have to head back, so…let’s take our time soaking!” Mena was the first to sound her actual age. “And there’s nothing like post-bath ale!”
Consider that earlier statement redacted: They were all acting like old-timers.
“So what are you doing, m’lady?”
“I’ve never been in a hot spring before!” said Selen, hovering nervously around the edge.
“Just get in already! C’mon!” Riho grabbed her arm and yanked.
“Hot! Yow! Don’t do that!”
Selen’s porcelain skin instantly flushed red. Riho burst out laughing.
“Bwa-ha-ha! Normally, I can’t get past your cursed belt, but now it’s payback time!”
“Riho! Hot springs are no place for pranks!”
“It’s only us here, so who cares? I can do whatever I want!” Mena said, sneaking up behind Selen with a broad grin and grabbing her boobs.
“Whoa! Mena! Hey!”
“Grr… Th-that’s it!”
Turning bright red, Selen wheeled around and went to get even, hands flexing.
Ladies and gentlemen, your contestants:
Riho, the slender one!
Mena, the petite one!
And Alka, the little hag!
Wordlessly, Selen lowered her hands again, looking very sorry for them.
“Your silence hurts the worst!”
Silence could sometimes lead to injury. Of the heart.
“Right, right!” Alka, meanwhile, had started swimming around. First, freestyle, then butterfly, then sidestroke. She was as unrestrained in the bath as she was in life. Kid grandmas exist in the Venn diagram between little girl and ancient crone, beings with no redeeming features.
“…If it’s only us here, all rules cease to exist. Very educational,” Selen muttered.
Riho looked around. “What happened to Phyllo?”
“Sweating in the sauna… The grape juice is almost outta her system, but when she saw the water pouring out of that lion head, she almost puked again.”
They’d been seconds from having the alkaline hot springs spiked with stomach acid.
Alka clearly had questions about Phyllo. “That girl… She’s a very skilled fighter.”
“You noticed, kid?”
“Yes, there’s an old man in our village who moves the same way.”
“Really? Not many like that…maybe they’re from the same style? Phyllo’s was started by a warrior they called the Fierce God…”
“Yeah, Pyrid used to be a real troublemaker! Went around telling everyone to call him by that silly name.”
Mena looked confused, so Alka introduced herself properly.
“Name’s Alka, chief of Kunlun. You’ve heard of it? In legends?”
“…What?”
“This sure is a nice bath! I reckon I feel ten years younger. Of course, once you pass a hundred, ten years don’t make much difference…”
The one-two punch of a legendary village and Alka’s actual age left Mena reeling.
But…she’d seen firsthand what Lloyd could do, which left her unable to dismiss the notion. It actually kind of explained a lot. Explained everything, really. Still stunned, she turned to Riho and Selen for answers.
“……Is this true?”
“You’re better off forgetting.”
“Knowledge leads to ruin.”
What great advice.
“Come on, Mena… Adapting to any situation is half of being a grown-up… Okay, I’ve adapted!”
Hot springs were supposed to be relaxing, but Mena felt quite the opposite. She sank into the water, blowing bubbles. Putting things out of one’s mind was a vital skill.
“……And I’m back,” Phyllo intoned, steam rising off her body as she emerged from the sauna hiding absolutely nothing, totally exposed—except for the steam covering all the convenient places.
“Right, since everyone’s here, can I get a rundown of what’s going on?” Alka plunked herself on the edge of the bath, getting the ball rolling.
“Well, basically…” Riho brought her up to speed.
“……I had no idea,” Phyllo said, gravely soaking herself.
“Phyllo…,” Selen said. “You’re here because Azami ordered you to investigate all this.”
“……I may be missing some memories… I think more grape juice might help me remember…”
Mena and Riho desperately begged her to stop, while Alka slid into the water, grinning maliciously.
“I see,” she muttered. “So treants are behind this… Marie must be in deep by now.”
Riho caught the word treant. “I knew it! It is treants, then?”
“From what I’ve heard. Not fatal, but three days and nights in a coma… Nothing grabs passing travelers and animals and sucks the life out of them like a darn treant.”
Mena came swimming over, dog-paddling like a child, even though she was in her twenties!
“Hang on—Allan collapsed in the bath. Is there a treant growing inside the hotel?”
“No. I reckon the sapling has infected someone like a parasite. It can control its host, grow its power, and find a good spot to put down roots and stake out a territory.”
“So someone is infected… That’s always nasty. If we mess this up, the casualties will be so huge, they’ll have to redraw maps.”
Mena sighed into the bathwater, regretting having accepted the job.
“Don’t worry, Mena! Fate brought me. I’ll help you wrap this up.”
Riho shot her a suspicious look. It wasn’t like Alka to be helpful.
“Marie said it was forbidden for villagers from Kunlun to run around helping people. You’re sure?”
“I’ve never liked standing by when people are in trouble. And with Lloyd’s friend Allan dead, I’ve got to act.”
“He didn’t actually die…”
Alka blew right past that, walking naked over to the windows and staring out.
“Well, we need to investigate the scene. Let’s all head to the suite’s outdoor bath! I reckon Lloyd’s probably there.”
“That’s your real goal!” Riho’s cries echoed through the room.
“No, no, they say killers always return to the scene of the crime. It’s our best option!”
“You’re definitely doing this for the wrong reasons! Also, put some clothes on.”
“What idiot gets dressed moments before offering to wash a boy’s back?! This way!”
She was clearly only in this for the chance to take a bath with him. Riho clutched her head, but Selen went right past her.
“Thoroughly inspecting the scene of the crime is basic police work!” she said.
“You’ll end up getting arrested!”
“……………”
“Refusing to reply doesn’t make peeping legal!”
Mena started giggling. “You don’t seem to be trying that hard to stop them.”
“Wha— Mena?!”
That hit close to home. Well, everyone wanted to bathe with their crush.
“Look, everyone’s going to Lloyd’s bath!”
“You all suck. If Marie finds out you spied on Lloyd bathing, she’ll…dislocate her jaw, probably.”
Shaking her head as if she’d been forced into going along with them, Riho made her way outside, toward the bath where Allan had passed out.