Chapter 4

A Mortifying Coincidence: Suppose You Met a VIP After Mistaking the Employee Entrance for a Bathroom

“Yes, that was a splendid ‘show’! I’ve never seen an ‘exhibition’ like it! Flawless ‘entertainment’! Ha-ha-ha! That’s definitely what it was!”

The Sacred Mountain Rite had closed out on schedule, and the Priest Chief looked pleased as punch. He was definitely emphasizing the deception, but it was pretty clear no one thought that fight had been real.

The results had been formalized, the Kyounin clan had won again, and Anzu remained in charge. Neither Renge nor Nexamic raised any objections—well, Allan said, “Seriously?” a lot, still finding it hard to believe he was actually married, but Renge ignored this completely.

And now they were all climbing the steep slopes of the Sacred Mountain, on the way for Anzu’s audience with the beast—Alka and Renge included.

As the slope grew less intense, they found themselves tramping through patchy snow, and the group leader wound up breaking ground for the rest of them.

“Why’d you end up splitting off from Micona?” Marie asked.

“Met an old friend,” Alka explained, expression neutral. “Today has just been full of surprises.”

“Same here, Alka, baby!” Surtr chimed in—even in an ax, his friendly disposition remained intact. “Never thought you’d have become a kid who talks like an old woman and acts like a wild thing! Not a trace of the old you left!”

The look on Marie’s face made it clear she wasn’t sure how to handle his takes or his attitude.

“Less chatter, more work!” Vritra snapped, every bit the boss. “There’s time to catch up later—we’ve reached this shrine! You’re hoping to scout a guardian to replace me, yes?”

“Exactly. Anzu, was it? Let’s meet this beast.”

“Uh, so…”

Anzu was shaking in her boots, well aware that Alka was even stronger than Lloyd. She was picking her words carefully…or maybe just trying not to faint.

“We feel ya, Lady Anzu,” Riho said.

“Yes, that’s how I felt my first day in Kunlun,” Merthophan nodded.

“What’s wrong, Anzu? Muscle pains? Did you wish to get pumped, too?! A toast to your eyes and abs!”

“All you’ve done is pump iron, so you can’t even tell… I wish I was that lucky.”

“Is that envy I hear? Sorry I beat you to it, Anzu. I never imagined this would be how I finally won, but I guess you can ‘tell’—because I’m radiating wedded bliss.”

“That’s not what I’m— Argh, Renge. Never known real danger, never honed your senses…”

Neither Nexamic nor Renge had the slightest clue how terrifying Alka was.

They just saw a happy little kid, smiling innocently as she inspected the pamphlet she’d picked up at the base.

“Don’t worry; I’m not here to make trouble. Just gonna scout your beast, maybe have a little chat with it—you know, the one written here.”

“Yeahh…that beast from the shrine…”

Anzu made a face like she hated to be the bearer of bad news.

“Little lady, about this Sacred Beast. Sorry, but…”

“Yes, yes?”

“That was made up by the tourism board.”

“………Excuse me?!” Alka stared at Anzu in horror.

“Like, a loooong time ago, there was a mass theft of Mastema Fruit used in the rite. Probably swiped to sell to collectors.”

“And what’s that got to do with the beast?”

Alka’s intensity made Anzu flinch, but she persevered.

“The leader at the time was an ancestor of mine, and to keep anyone from finding out about the theft, he told everyone, ‘The Sacred Beast ate them!’ And the tourism board jumped on that lie and started advertising the beast like it was real.”

“Th-that explains why I’d never heard of it until I read the ad…” Alka crumpled up the pamphlet, then crumpled up herself, dejected.

“Then tourists started flooding the place, and they couldn’t back down…and ever since, it’s been the Kyounin clan’s duty to keep control of the Domain so nobody would find out about the lie. Sad, but true.”

“Seriou— Er, no! I knew that all along!” the Priest Chief lied.

Anzu ignored him, turning to the other Ascorbians. “I should have told you before. Truth is, the Kyounin have been lying for generations. Seeing how dedicated you both were to the Domain, the lie just started feeling sillier and sillier.”

Both of them waved their hands, dismissing her concerns.

“Mwa-ha-ha! It’s not on you, Anzu! We lost fair and square. What matters is not what’s inside, but what it inspires! Heartful! Inner muscle! Even if the beast does not exist, what matters is our love for the Domain!”

“The fault lies with those in the past. I can’t call it elegant, but we know the truth now, and that fact makes you the most elegant leader in history.”

The Domain leaders seemed to be closer than ever, but Alka was still reeling, her hopes dashed.

“B-but then…Kunlun’s new guardian! The means to control my power! Where will I find that? What fool stole the Mastema Fruit and caused this disaster?!”

“Calm down,” Anzu said. “The documents say it was a ‘girl in a helmet’ and ‘a pigtailed child in a white robe’ and that they claimed the fruits could help them ‘capture demon lords.’ Maybe that second girl was about your age? Uh…wait…”

Anzu’s eyes narrowed.

Alka’s eyes went wide; then she winced; then she started whistling.

“Fhew, fhew, fhewww! Well, no point worrying about past villainy!”

“You’re just making noises with your mouth. And try not to be the cause of every bad thing, will you?” Marie scowled.

“Well, let’s put that aside for now. I still need a new beast! My power’s unstable! Eug’s gonna win! Like she did during the ancient Mastema theft!”

An obvious deflection and pinning all the crimes on Eug. What a devil!

But Satan stepped in to save her.

“Um, Alka, would I work as a guardian?”

“You, Se—Satan?”

“You just need someone big and tough, right? I think my second form would work fine. Got nowhere else to be, so if you’ll give me a home, I’d gladly take it.”

Alka gave him a long, appraising look. “Hmm, your second form…wouldn’t match the texts, but might be worth a shot.”

She looked like she’d seen light at the end of the tunnel, most of her old good humor restored.

“Solid chance I can get my power back! And I’m reunited with an old comrade. If only the lab chief were here, all my problems would be solved!”

At Allan’s hip, Surtr/Tony chuckled. “If she’s alive, would she actually help? I bet immortality would go to her head, and she’d be holed up playing games somewhere.”

“Extremely high odds,” Vritra said. “On a more pressing note…”

“Your daughter?” Alka asked, looking grim.

The belt buckle bobbed up and down. “Indeed,” he replied. “I can imagine why you’d want to avoid the subject. But if our team has reassembled like this…then there’s a chance she’s still alive and doing well. Gah!”

“Come, Vritra! We’re headed for the shrine! No time to waste on that!”

“M-Mistress! Augh, stop! No knots!”

Their once stern boss, firmly under the thumb of a girl young enough to be his daughter—his former colleagues all had the same grin.

“There were stories he couldn’t say no to his kid—I guess they were true.”

Seta/Satan had certainly been on the receiving end of Ishikura’s glare more often than not, but now he was scratching his head, enjoying the show.

“Surtr, I know you’re all deep in this conversation, but we’re at the shrine now…”

“Thanks for the heads-up, Allan! Wow, that’s…some vintage stuff.”

The shrine was certainly ancient. This looked less like the dwelling of a Sacred Beast than a place to offer prayers. If you’ve ever been to an Inari shrine, you’ll know the vibe.

Anzu opened the shrine doors. Inside were Mastema Fruits, an old sword, a scroll, a statue of a dragon…just a bunch of stuff nobody knew what to do with, jammed in here like a rented storage unit.

“Super tiny, a studio without a bath; nobody would wanna live here, let alone a Sacred Beast,” Alka muttered.

Anzu chuckled, then turned toward the dragon statue, muttering what sounded like a spell.

“It’s mostly a formality, but now I’m in charge for another four years. If you beat me next time, you’ll have to do the same.”

She shot Renge and Nexamic a grin, clearly offering a challenge.

“Mwa-ha-ha! I’ll study with brother Merthophan, achieve true muscles, and try my hand once more!”

“Yes, four years from now our children will be talking, and I shall show them how elegant their mother can be.”

“My opinion doesn’t matter at all, huh?”

Allan was in the throes of the marriage blues, still refusing to face the facts.

“Hokay, then let’s head on down. I came all the way out here, so I at least wanna get some good grub,” Alka said, leading the way.

The rest of them followed. But then Lloyd started fidgeting like he had to use the bathroom.

“It is pretty cold…um, Priest Chief? Is there a restroom around here?”

“Mm? A restroom?”

The chief had only recently taken over and didn’t know the area well.

He couldn’t just suggest using the bushes, however, so he looked around, hoping to spot something.

“Hngg…it’s my job to help if I’m asked… Oh!”

He’d spotted a door behind the scroll in the shrine interior. There was some old writing on it—and the design was reminiscent of the Holy Sword.

“A room in a place like that can’t be anything but a toilet—boy, that’s gotta be it! Go relieve yourself.”

“Uh, okay. Thank you!”

The Priest Chief gave him a push inside, and Lloyd sheepishly headed toward the restroom door.

“I’m good to go in, right? There’s no one else here.”

Without knocking, he put his hand on the door and pushed.

It glowed, a pattern of light momentarily racing across it.

This surprised Lloyd, but he just assumed Ascorbic toilets had cool doors and went right on in.

Beyond the strange door was a staircase leading down.

It was dark and hard to see, like it was leading into the bowels of the earth.

Lloyd gulped. These stairs went on forever.

“No lights at all? Ah!”

He’d taken a hesitant step forward, and like waking from their slumber, something embedded in the walls began to glow with a pale blue light.

“Domain toilets are amazing!”

Impressed, Lloyd followed the lights down the long staircase.

After a while, he found another knobless door. It hadn’t been opened in years, and there was rust and dust around the edges, fusing it to the walls.

“Guess they don’t clean down here much? Yikes!”

Like the lights on the walls, when he approached, the door automatically slid open. There was a scraping noise from the rusty bits.

And it opened very, very slowly.

Inside—was no toilet. It was an ordinary room.

“One of those spaces to change baby diapers? But isn’t this a bit big for that?”

Lloyd hesitated a moment, unsure if he should go in, but the call of nature gave him the push he needed, so he stepped inside, knees turned inward.

“Sorry to intrude…”

It was a standard studio apartment layout; a single room divided into living, dining, and kitchen areas. Fully furnished, but no signs of having been used. Between the limescale and the thin layer of dust, it was clearly pretty old.

A pale blue light illuminated the living space.

Lloyd squinted and saw a figure lying down—and lights flashing on a device in their hands.

“Is someone there?” Lloyd asked—

And the figure leaped to their feet.

“Aughhhhhhhhhh! I blew iiiiiiiiiiiiiit!”

Lloyd jumped, gasping.

Shrouded in darkness, the figure kept wailing, oblivious to his presence.

“No! Nooo! I was so close! I almost cleared the entire series of death from start to finish without ever saving! I had plenty of instakill defense! I was all ready to go! But nooo, right outside the last boss it was all, ‘Do you want to save? Yes/No’ and without thinking, I said yes! The system tricked me! I was defeated by supportive design! My saveless run is ruined!”

Lloyd had no idea what any of that meant.

“Okay, how long has it been…? Wait, that was like thirteen or fourteen years? Holy crap! Seriously? I only meant to play like an hour… No wonder I’m hungry!”

It sounded like a woman’s voice. Lloyd decided this wasn’t a monster, so he called out, “Um…”

The figure jumped a foot in the air, even more surprised than he’d been.

And without further hesitation, she went straight onto her hands and knees.

There in the dim blue light, head on the floor, she prostrated herself before Lloyd.

“Aughhh! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She hadn’t even looked at him, and she was already apologizing. “I had a little time to kill, so I started playing! Show mercy! Don’t make me do any work! I don’t wanna!”

This was less an apology than a dedicated shirking of responsibility. Downright refreshingly honest. Would she be willing to do anything besides her job?

Lloyd had no idea what to make of any of this, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t who she thought he was. More importantly, he really had to pee, so he decided to get to the point.

“Sorry, gonna borrow your bathroom!”

“Whoops, prostrating myself out of habit…er, bathroom? Wait, who’s this kid?”

He’d already closed the door behind him and was taking care of business.

A few moments later, he emerged to find her still going, “Why is there a kid…?”

“Sorry,” he said. “I asked if there was a restroom around and was told to go down here—I didn’t realize this was the caretaker’s office!”

“Caretaker? I’m not— No, wait, how’d you get through the door?”

Lloyd blinked at her. “Um, it just opened normally? It was a little dirty, but…”

“Not what I meant,” she said, shaking her head. “There’s a safety lock on it, preventing demon lords or other specific life-forms from interacting with it at all… Wait, are you a local?”

“Um, I’m not from the Ascorbic Domain. I’m from the Azami Kingdom.”

“Not what I meant by local, but… Okay, not one of us then. You really rattled me!”

He couldn’t make out her expression in the darkness, but she seemed bemused.

Lloyd bowed his head once more.

“Thanks again, caretaker. I really needed that! By way of thanks, I took the liberty of cleaning the bathroom. The limescale was getting pretty bad.”

“Oh, was it? Yeah, I hadn’t used it for years, so…thanks!”

“I’ll just wipe this down, too. You’ve really gotta keep the sinks clean, or bugs’ll come up the drains.”

“Don’t worry about that; I wanna ask you… Hngg?!”

Lloyd had pulled out his handkerchief—the one inscribed with the disenchant rune—and started wiping down the dusty kitchen with it.

The rune might be designed to lift curses, but as a side effect, it removed all grime. Even in the dark, she could see the kitchen getting dramatically clean and couldn’t believe her eyes.

“…! That’s Glyphic Idea Reaction Processing…aka runes…”

“Oh, sorry, should I not have?”

“N-no, it’s fine. What’s your name?”

“Lloyd. Lloyd Belladonna.”

“I’m Rien Cordelia. You can call me Rinko; everyone does. I’m just a nerdy lab researcher… Perhaps we’ll meet again someday.”

He couldn’t make out her face, but he could tell she was waving, so he waved back.

“Okay! I’d better run.”

She watched him go, then sat back down, picking up the blinking box.

“I’d love to game a little longer, but…if the world’s gotten to the point where kids are at his strength, maybe I’d better get moving. Gotta thwart her ambitions… Okay, just one more run before I do. Gotta beat this, at least.”

And just like she had been when Lloyd arrived, the woman grew absorbed with her blinking box.

“I see…so the Sacred Beast was a lie to attract tourists. No wonder Anzu wouldn’t talk about it.”

Up a distant tree…Eve was watching them all file down the mountain through a telescope sticking out of the mouth of her costume.

She seemed to be enjoying herself; she kept wriggling and chuckling.

The whole sight was downright disturbing, but she took a good long look at Alka, reading her lips.

“But they didn’t manage to open the mystery door, huh? Well, as long as Alka and the lab chief don’t make contact, I’m good. Whew! What a relief.”

Her primary concern had been averted.

“Can’t have anyone talking to the lab chief—not Alka or Eug. What’s this?”

Alka was saying something important. Eve watched her lips like a hawk.

“Oh-ho, so Satan’s gonna be the new Kunlun guardian? His second form isn’t thaaat far off the legends, so it might fit the bill. And that’ll give us the full Alka to deal with. Hoo, boy.”

Despite her words, no one listening would think she was the least bit concerned.

“Oh dear, oh dear. Well, that means we’ll have to go full bore on that other plan.”

She took the telescope out of her mouth and straightened out the head.

“The plan to kill Lloyd…”

That sounded ominous, but her comedic costume wriggled once, and she added, “Only reason Alka’s not on our side is because Lloyd’s filling the Roy-sized shape in her heart. If we take that away from her—will she still reject Eug’s scheme?”

She pointed across the mountain at Lloyd.

“Don’t worry! We’ll make it painless, Lloyd. Wait, where is Lloyd?”

She adjusted the telescope, scanning the area around Alka, then the shrine…and found Lloyd looking embarrassed and zipping up his fly.

“Oh, there he is! What, did he go to the bathroom? Was there a bathroom? Did he go in the woods? What a hick!”

Little did she knew he was the one who’d pulled the Holy Sword, and that same power allowed him to open the door to take a leak.

“It’s gotta be me who makes first contact with the lab chief…don’t want anyone but me knowing the truth.”

Sadly, contact had already been made, and by Lloyd himself.

Best she didn’t know. Eve had her plans set and hopped off across the Domain, making squeaky noises.

Like a protagonist targeted by the last boss—but don’t worry; after all, Lloyd had been born under a lucky star, and his obliviousness could turn any event in his favor.