12 — Musings From Dusk

12 — Musings From Dusk

After dinner, I purified myself and Estia, then offered her the angel’s pillow and instructed her to get some sleep. She acquiesced without argument and within seconds was breathing deeply.

She was stronger than I had given her credit for, but it was strange how human and expressive she could be during a conversation yet so mute and vacant during combat. It wasn’t quite that she was utterly emotionless or apathetic, just...deficient, almost.

“After some rest, we’ll eat again, then we’re clearing the labyrinth,” I said to her sleeping form. “Got any questions before then?”

“Can’t say I do.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be Estia, spirit. I know you have something to say. You always do.”

“Well, not this time,” she said. “I would have called you weak had the trek thus far winded you. I will praise you for noticing my presence, however. Estia sleeps, so I have taken control.”

With one of the two slumbering, the spirit spoke in only one voice, but the difference in their demeanors—the air about them, so to speak—was a dead giveaway. Seeing as she was waiting for my response, the spirit didn’t seem to be aware of this critical flaw.

“You know I can feel the change in your presence when you switch with Estia, right?”

She groaned in frustration. “Better?”

Well, that was easy. “Better. So, what’s the occasion? Why only come out now?” I asked. She’d had many chances before, so I couldn’t help but wonder.

“Because I wanted to teach Estia something,” she replied. “It’s simple, really. I wanted to show her that there are people who would hear the name Spirit of Dusk and not shrink away.”

There was pain in her expression. Not for herself, but for Estia. What had brought this on? Why did she trust me enough to tell me this?

“Estia’s emotions,” I said. “It’s not that she hides them on purpose, is it? She’s missing them. There’s something blocking them—something none of us can see.”

“My, the miracles human connection can create. You’re already guessing well,” the spirit commended me. “But you’ve yet to understand just how deep Estia’s darkness runs.”

“You want me to help root it out, don’t you?”

“No,” she said idly. “Her wounds are not ones magic can heal. I only want you to keep her in your thoughts.”

I was silent for a while. “I can’t promise that. Rather, I don’t intend to give her any special treatment. But I can promise that I won’t abandon her.”

The spirit’s expression changed from one of sadness to one of shock, then to a smile. There was a lot about this situation that I didn’t understand, true, and I didn’t expect to be enlightened about any of it. So I simply asked a question.

“All that aside, tell me something. Can an arcanist form pacts with multiple spirits at once? Even without the corresponding magical affinity?”

“It is possible. Difficult, but possible.”

In that case, Estia had great potential. Assuming she wasn’t a double-edged sword.

“I have another question for you,” I said.

“I have an answer.”

“Why did you keep Estia and Lihzalea from meeting at the Kingdom of Dwarves?”

The spirit’s smug expression stiffened. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Come on. Like the Spirit of Dusk wouldn’t notice a source of darkness as strong as her. I thought Lihzalea was the one avoiding us at first, but you were the one keeping her away, weren’t you?”

“Your stupidity really is selective, isn’t it? Your perceptiveness shows at the strangest of times.”

“I try,” I said. “And?”

“Estia was imprisoned with her,” she finally replied. “When we were still trying to escape the empire.”

“Meaning?”

“Estia knows her. But she does not know Estia. Not anymore. Her memories are entirely fabricated.”

“You couldn’t escape with her?”

“Estia wanted to. She tried. But when it came time to leave, Lihzalea’s mind was already gone. Poisoned by drugs and suggestions that my blessing protects Estia from.”

Then was it her? Was it Estia’s desperate attempts to save Lihzalea that had given the girl her strange command over dark magic? That would at least solve one mystery. And it made a lot of sense. If this was a lie, I would never be able to trust a spirit again.

“Can you continue to protect Estia?”

“It’s what I do,” she replied. “And you have my word that I will never raise a hand against you or the Church. I couldn’t do that to Fluna or my sister.”

I simply had to trust her. And hey, it would definitely make life easier.

“I’ll believe you. But know that Estia’s inability to do so herself, to trust others, isn’t something I can help her with. She has to learn to do that on her own.”

“I see. So you’d leave her to suffer alone, hm?”

“That’s not what I said,” I replied. “She’s gotten close to Ketty. She likes Forêt. That’s what I mean. She needs to develop more relationships like those. We can only nudge her along the way.”

“I don’t know.” The spirit wavered.

“Only Estia can fix herself. If you try to create relationships for her, you’ll be stifling her until there’s nothing of her personality left.”

The spirit nodded. “Okay.” She buried her face into the angel’s pillow.

Maybe I’d gotten a little full of myself there. The Illumasian Empire... And here I had thought it was just a country of meatheads like Lionel when it turns out they had their fair share of mad scientists.

I pushed my thoughts away and leaned against the wall in an attempt to fall asleep where I sat. It didn’t work. I was so used to my angel’s pillow, and the awkward position wasn’t doing me any favors.

“That’s one evil withdrawal side effect,” I muttered.

With nothing else to do, I tried to meditate, but the multitude of intrusive thoughts and things to do after the labyrinth made that an impossibility.

At some point, Estia began to stir and opened her eyes.

“Got enough rest?” I asked.

She jumped like a frightened cat and whipped around towards me. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Didn’t you sleep?” she asked.

“Couldn’t stop thinking about everything, so not really.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Why don’t we have some breakfast?”

“If you think so,” she said.

We had to do something about that passivity of hers.

“You’re allowed to have an opinion, Estia. If you want to eat, we eat. If you don’t, we wait. It’s up to you.”

“I don’t...”

“You should assert yourself more,” I continued. “So we’re going to practice that for the rest of the labyrinth.” I gave a grin that even I thought was a little condescending. “I think it’ll help.”

“Do we eat in here, sir?” she asked.

“We can eat in the hallways, but this is the most secure place.”

“Are you...hungry?” she asked again.

“Could go either way.”

“Then maybe we can have something light and then move on?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

This little experiment was just a shot in the dark—who knew if it’d even lead anywhere—but connecting with people was a complicated business. So I figured we might as well start from step one.

I summoned a table and two chairs from the magic bag as well as some bread, soup, and salad.

“Look good?”

“Your bag is incredible,” Estia said in wonder.

“Sorry, this one’s mine, but maybe we’ll find one for you sometime,” I teased her.

Her reply was a simple and dull, “Yeah.”

Had I just been ignored? My face heated up a little and the mood quickly turned uncomfortable.

After breakfast, we continued into the dungeon.

“The maps from here on will be minimal,” I said. “Be careful and don’t let monsters lead you into any traps.”

“Okay.”

We proceeded smoothly along my old routes and found the staircases relatively easily. This time around there was no barrel of Substance X in my arms, so we had to deal with monsters who became gradually faster and keener the deeper we delved.

“It seems to be going well,” Estia commented.

“Yeah,” I replied. “Last time I was here, I walked around carrying a barrel of Substance X.”

“Substance X? The smelly stuff?” She paused. “Why?”

“Remember how I got trapped for half a year? I was running low on supplies and couldn’t turn back, so I had to dash through these last floors as fast as I could. I used it to avoid fighting and sped to the end.”

“So we’re in uncharted territory from here on, then.”

“Pretty much. Unless you want me to grab a couple barrels?”

There was a moment of hesitation. In that single pause, I could see the calculations being run in her eyes. Substance X or the monsters?

The corner of her eye twitched subtly and she finally decided. “No, thank you. Let’s hurry ahead.”

And there it was. I really didn’t know if all this “teaching” and attention was good for her. All I wanted, for some reason, was for her to learn how to live and enjoy it.

We arrived at the fiftieth floor without incident. No traps, no treasure chests. Estia and I were talking as we proceeded through the hallways, when a group of monsters appeared.

“Can we win this?” Estia asked. “Or should we maneuver around them?”

Before us were a lich knight, a wight, and a king wraith.

“Still got those nose plugs?” I took out a barrel of Substance X and lifted off the lid in one quick motion.

“It’s worse than I thought,” Estia said, wincing. She had failed to take my advice. “I don’t like it.”

The very thing causing Estia’s pain, however, was our good fortune. The monsters dispersed at once.

“Hey, I warned you. Let’s keep going.” I hoisted up the barrel and started off.

Estia continued to squeeze her nose shut. “I think you could have taken them, though, couldn’t you?”

“Yes, but no,” I answered. “I could, but I don’t feel like taking on a lich knight while outnumbered. Our goal here’s to fight as little as possible, so the sooner we beat this labyrinth, the sooner we can ditch the nose plugs.”

“As long as I can walk in front!”

I laughed. “You got it.”

I pointed in the direction we needed to go, and Estia took the lead. I wondered why she wasn’t using the nose plugs I had given her, but the cleansing magic was doing its job, I supposed. And I hadn’t exactly answered her question as to why I had chosen this over fighting.

A shiver squirmed through my body as I remembered the time I had tried casting Extra Heal on the lich knight. The Fire Dragon had been leagues stronger and more imposing, granted, and yet I would have chosen it over a lich knight after a healing spell any day of the week. Easily. The terror I had felt when my hope had turned to despair, when my brilliant idea had only made my opponent into a creature of rage and fury, was not something I cared to experience twice. I could have tried Sanctuary Circle on the trio, but did I want to risk it after my past experiences? No. Not when the way of the pacifist was so much easier.

We continued in silence until, at last, we reached our destination: the boss room. I put away the Substance X and told Estia to get ready before noticing that she was pale and grimacing. I quickly cast Purification and Recover on her.

“Will they come back if we wait here?” she asked.

“The undead come after anything with a beating heart. I’ll let you decide when we go in.”

Estia took a moment and several deep breaths, then looked at me and nodded. “Let’s go.”

I nodded back and cast Area Barrier on the both of us. Then we opened the door.