04 — Another Audience with the Pope

04 — Another Audience with the Pope

As I emerged from the labyrinth, Cattleya called out to me, “Welcome back. Why do you look so haggard? No, never mind, I’m grateful to see you alive again.”

“Please, stop that. You really shouldn’t be the one bowing to me after all the help you’ve been. It feels so wrong you’ll give me a stress ulcer.”

Cattleya and her position were still a complete mystery to me, and not knowing who you were really speaking to was surprisingly daunting. Although, the fact that she could take me for audiences with the pope meant that she definitely wasn’t the average citizen.

“Oh, will I?” she smirked playfully.

“Why are you looking at me like that? You’re not going to get to me, so could you turn these into points now, please?”

“Sheesh, you’re no fun.” She took my card and transferred my stones to her bag—a magic bag that was even higher grade than my own. It was what she always used to calculate my points. “This was a big haul. That’s 426,549 points.”

Five more trips and I could’ve bought a second magic robe if I wanted to.

“Wow, you’re right. I’m glad, though. I was almost done for this time, and I would’ve been if it wasn’t for Area High Heal.”

“You’re so young and you can use Area High Heal already? Luciel, have you been lying to me about your age?”

My heart skipped a beat. “Er, I mean, I couldn’t even use Heal when I registered at fifteen,” I stammered.

“Do you take any strange medicines? Have you been doing drugs?”

Thankfully, she wasn’t entirely serious. The matter of my age was a strange subject.

“Why in the world would I... Wait!” It wasn’t a drug, but Substance X seemed a likely culprit.

“I think a confession is in order.” She linked her arm around mine and clung to me like a vice. “Before Her Holiness, of course.”

I wasn’t flustered, though. I knew that Cattleya reveled in teasing me like this. “Fine by me,” I said. “There are a few things I’d like to find out myself, so I’d love to see the pope if you please.”

“Oh, aren’t we aggressive today. Feeling confident after beating the thirtieth-floor ‘boss’?”

“Not quite. I’m hoping to learn more about this Substance X stuff I’ve been drinking for two and a half years.”

She paused. “That isn’t as exciting as I was expecting.”

“Hey, I might finally get to solve the mystery.”

“Something about you feels more assertive than usual. Were you actually on death’s doorstep today? Maybe it’s gone to your head.”

“Finally back on topic,” I laughed. “To be fair, I came out totally unharmed, even if only through pure dumb luck. I also got a real taste of just how effective holy magic is against the undead.”

“And what if it wasn’t?” Cattleya asked pointedly.

“Then I probably would have died, or very nearly, at least.”

“Luciel, I don’t want to hear you talk about losing your life so casually.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry; it was just hypothetical.”

“That’s okay. Shall we be off, then?” As we started walking, she asked, “So what did you fight this time?”

“Three wights and five death knights. I nearly panicked when I saw them all.” Without Physical Enhancement, I’d have been a dead man walking. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

“You’re so strong that it’s easy to forget you’re a healer,” she said. “Maybe if they all trained like you, we’d see more healers with swords out there.”

“I think it depends on the person. I only stood a chance this time because I could use Area High Heal, and I needed Holy Magic level eight for that. Progress could become problematic if I start seeing undead dragons or dullahans or other beast-type undead monsters down there.”

“You think so? By the way, dullahans are technically classified as sprites, not the undead. Holy magic wouldn’t affect them in the same way.”

“Sprites?! Like fairies? I really hope you didn’t just set a flag there.”

“A ‘flag’? What do you mean?”

“Nothing, never mind.”

“You mentioned something about this ‘Substance X’ before. You don’t know what it is?”

“Other than you get it at Adventurer’s Guilds and that it’s absolutely disgusting, no. Oh, also that a sage made it for adventurers, or so they say. Have you ever heard of it?”

“I can’t say I have. Is it famous?”

“Oh, yeah. To the point where drinking it is enough to warrant a nickname, apparently,” I grumbled.

“It sounds like quite the drink. But we’ve arrived, so we’ll continue this conversation later.”

“Right.”

“Your Holiness,” Cattleya called through the door. “It is Cattleya.”

“You may enter,” the voice answered.

Cattleya led me inside, to my third audience with the pope.

Cattleya and I took a knee and bowed before Her Holiness. “Might this matter concern the master of the thirtieth floor?”

“Yes, Your Holiness,” I replied. “They have been defeated.”

“Luciel, your deeds continue to astound me. Alone, you have ventured down thirty floors. I must confess, I did not anticipate this.”

“I’m humbled, Your Holiness. But it was only thanks to the equipment you so kindly gave me.”

“Oh,” she sighed, amused, “but that is not all, no. Your magical energy is not what it was when first we met. I sense heightened vigor within you.”

Was she psychic, or did she just have some kind of appraisal skill? She surely knew that I was still level one, so why would she tell me that? Unless it was part of this whole fake labyrinth shtick.

“About that, Your Holiness,” Cattleya spoke up. “Luciel tells me he has been drinking a liquid created by a sage for over two years now. It is known as ‘Substance X.’”

“Oh?”

“This, Your Holiness.” I summoned a barrel of it from my bag.

Cattleya grimaced. “Put that away at once!” she cried.

“Er, what, is it poisonous?” Did it smell that bad? It had the lid on and everything.

Ah, crap, a bit leaked out. That’d do it.

I couldn’t see the pope’s face, but it didn’t take a detective to know that she must have shared the same revolted, scrunched expression as her handmaidens and Cattleya wore. My show-and-tell probably hadn’t been the smartest idea.

I put the barrel away and cast Purification. Once everyone’s nostrils had recuperated, I moved on. “Every Adventurer’s Guild has a special appliance, and when you imbue magic into it, this liquid comes out. Or so I hear.” I’d never seen it for myself.

“A special appliance?” Her Holiness paused. “Its name. What was it, you said?”

“They call it Substance X. Every new adventurer drinks it at least once.”

“I recall the name... A concoction of various herbs, dragon heart, spirit water, freshly harvested mandrake, among other items, meant to awaken the potential of the consumer, I believe it was. But it was a pill, if memory serves.”

Oh, how I’d have loved a pill. How much easier it’d be to take that way. But Substance X was a liquid, no matter how much I wished otherwise.

“The inventor, this sage, spoke of a creation—a magical apparatus to produce a perfect, infinite supply,” she explained. “However, by mechanisms unknown, the substance was liquified in the process. And so it was renamed. Or should have been.”

Hold on, that sage was alive over a century ago. The pope was talking like she’d been there to hear the guy speak. Maybe her kind, whatever race she was, lived abnormally long lives.

But then if “Substance X” was the old name, what happened to the new one?

“In its capsule form, the item was known as ‘Substance X.’ In liquid form, its abject vileness warranted its own creator to rechristen it ‘God’s Lament.’”

No doubt, this stuff was ridiculously OP, but maybe the reason I was one of the few able to stomach something that made even deities lament its existence had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t from this world. In any case, I was glad to hear that I hadn’t been drinking something worse.

“Well, I think I owe my successes to this ‘liquid lament,’ if you will,” I said. “And that name is certainly an apt way to describe how revolting it is.”

For crying out loud, just drinking the stuff was enough to destroy your sense of taste and smell for half an hour. I wasn’t convinced there wasn’t some kind of poison in its list of ingredients, even if it wasn’t in large enough quantities to cause harm.

“I’ve been drinking a mug of it three times a day, after every meal, for two and a half years now. I have to give credit where credit is due. Would you like to try some, Your Holiness?” I patted my magic bag. Even if she hadn’t had a hand in making it, the fact that she’d never tasted it before felt a little unfair.

“You...really drink that stuff?” Cattleya asked in disbelief.

“I do. Life is fragile, and I wanted to do everything I could to preserve mine, to leave nothing to chance. I’d drink anything in a heartbeat if it made me stronger with no risks or consequences...unless you count rude nicknames and sad looks, I suppose.” I kind of depressed myself, saying it out loud like that. But it was true and it never stopped being hurtful.

“I see now that it was no substance that carried your growth, Luciel, but your own effort and strife.”

“Luciel...you’re sure something,” Cattleya remarked, slipping back into her casual tone.

I noticed they seemed intent on ignoring my previous offer.

“Hm. Very well,” Her Holiness said. “I must say, I find it unbecoming of a sage to be so negligent in the consideration of their creation’s palatability.” I wholeheartedly agreed. “Allow us to proceed. What of the beasts you have slain?”

“I defeated three wights and five death knights with Area High Heal, Your Holiness.”

“Indeed? Quite the feat at such a young age. I see great things in your future. Perhaps you may one day join the ranks of the archbishops.”

“Thank you, Your Holiness.”

“I would see the effects they relinquished,” she ordered.

I gave each of the items to her retainers. Her Holiness examined them carefully, as she always did.

“These belonged to...those three women...” I heard her mutter. Then her voice became firm, severe, and she commanded, “That will be all for today. Cattleya will see to your reward. I wish you luck with your endeavors.”

Ah, so she was pretending to know them this time. Ominous.

I was escorted out, then made for the dining hall for the first time in what felt like forever.

“Long time no see,” I greeted the serving lady. “An extra helping today, please.”

“Um,” she hesitated, “excuse me, sir knight, but how much would you like?”

I glanced around and lowered my voice. “Why are you talking like that?” I asked, extremely confused. “It’s me. Luciel.”

She froze and stared at me long and hard. Gradually, her face softened into a smile. “Well, goodness, it is you! I barely recognized you with your hair up and all that armor! I’ll have that right out for you, okay?”

I watched her bustle about the kitchen then return with my meal, plus a little extra.

“Here you are, dear. Eat up and get some rest!”

“It looks delicious. You all do great work.”

“You and your compliments,” she beamed. “I’ll pass it along to the others.”

“Please do. Thanks again.”

I wondered as I took my seat: was being a server supposed to be that nerve-racking? Was it that stressful of a job?

I soon finished eating. “Thank you, it was great,” I told the server. “I’ll come back tomorrow morning. Could I order another large lunch to go too?”

“Of course. I’ll have something packed for you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

I said goodbye, then headed for my quarters. No one bothered me while I was out and about. They probably assumed I wouldn’t be around, and I doubted anyone would get violent in a public area... Not even those bold enough to try and assassinate someone at Church HQ. Especially not after how familiar I’d become with the pope.

I flipped through my long-neglected grimoires and went through my tried and true magic training regimen before hitting the hay.

The next morning, after a hearty breakfast, I took my lunch down to the labyrinth. It was rare to see Cattleya there this early, but I found her at the counter when I arrived.

“Good morning, Luciel. Her Holiness asked me to give you this.” She hesitantly handed me two pieces of parchment.

“What is it?”

“Everything you’ll want to know about the effects of God’s Lament, Substance X.”

Notes and descriptions filled the pages. “Wow, this is a lot of information. Thanks, I’ll read it while I’m down there.”

“Work hard,” she said. “And listen, I’m always here if you need to talk, all right?”

“Um, okay? Thank you.” I thought I saw sympathy flash across her face for a moment, but it could have been my imagination.

I descended to the tenth floor, cutting down monsters along the way, and took a moment to sit down and read the notes before going to sleep.

No amount of preparation could have braced me for the contents.

What follows is a record of my creation: God’s Lament, also known as Substance X.

Occupations involving the Church, including knights, healers, and templars, tend to result in a decrease in the three base appetites: sleep, hunger, and sex. Substance X, or God’s Lament (as I was so regretfully compelled to rename it), was created for the sole purpose of countering this, of offering those individuals of the Church fairness and the simple joys of life.

Its effects include increased hunger, heightened sex drive, and stimulation of the autonomic nervous system. There are side effects, however. One being an increased resistance to abnormal status conditions. Another being bolstered cellular activity while sleeping, thus causing easier status value growth.

I initially intended to offer this within the church itself, where it was invented, but its stench became the subject of much criticism. It did not take long before it was deemed unfit for the ecclesiastic, and I was ordered to be done with it.

But I would not abandon my work, the very reason I was made a sage. So I spoke with the guildmaster of the Adventurer’s Guild, Cryos, and we reached an agreement. It would be stored within the adventurers’ guildhalls.

I pray that God’s Lament will one day be what saves this world. When one day, a novice sees the potential of a god’s grief and imbibes its fury.

My work, I believe, will be of much use to the Adventurer’s Guilds, and I will now dedicate my efforts to the pursuit of a remedy that the Church might finally accept.

The second page was a detailed report on the conclusions of research into Substance X’s effects. There, it was written that Substance X did increase the three aforementioned appetites, but the true nature of its effects was in converting those desires into the energy that caused its ability-enhancing properties.

The moment I finished reading, it all made sense, including the meaning behind Cattleya’s pitiful gaze.

What if...she thought I was impotent?

Everything fell into place at once. By god, was my package damaged for good? The horrifying truth was that just about every woman in the world was drop-dead gorgeous, but not once had I been nervous around them. Not one single time had I felt either hot or bothered.

“No, wait, I’ve been nervous plenty of times! I’ve had lots of women take my breath away! Everything’s just fine,” I convinced myself. “That’s it, once this labyrinth is done, I’m finding love!”

I remembered Nanaella and Monica, the fact that they hadn’t replied to any of my letters, and fell into a slight depression.

The next day, my exhausted body was bursting with a strange energy. I made it straight down to the thirtieth floor in one go and finally broke out of my funk. The following day, I trained against the boss room death knights in between explorations of the thirty-first floor.

“For my future!”

I didn’t take risks and simply wiped out the whole group with Purification when things got dangerous. The fact that my magic was strong enough to do that in one shot was reassuring. I gradually ramped up the intensity, slowly but surely.

My labyrinth training montage had begun.