Part 10: The Princess Shovels the Immortal Alice

Part 10:
The Princess Shovels the Immortal Alice

 

THE WAR had begun.

As soon as they exited the ancient castle, Alice was waiting for them outside with an army. The once empty Galessa Shovel (renamed by Lithisia) was now the stage for two forces standing off against one another: Alan’s Holy Shovel Knights (named by Lithisia) and Alice’s army of 10,000 undead.

“Can’t we do something about our name and this flag…?” Catria was sadly holding a flag with a doodle of a shovel on it.

“Absolutely not. We must show these nonhumans how great the shovel is!”

“At this point, I’m starting to think that you’re the real nonhuman,” the knight replied, no longer capable of mincing words.

“What? But I… Compared to Sir Miner, I still have shovely long to go.”

“Why are you getting all bashful? Argh, whatever. It’s true that Alan is inhuman.” Catria looked behind her.

There was nothing, and that in and of itself was bizarre. The massive ancient castle that she had only just finished exploring was nowhere to be found. As for why that was the case, well… Alan had dismantled it as soon as they exited in search of Alice.

In two seconds.

“Now that we have the orb, there’s no point leaving this thing up if it’s just going to serve as a den for the undead.”

And so Alan crushed the castle like it was a nest for ants. Apparently, Alice didn’t even notice the deconstruction as it happened.

Catria felt bad for her. “But Alan, wouldn’t it be better to fight an army like this in tighter quarters?” In a wide-open space like this, the army with the greater numbers would have the advantage. They should’ve stayed in the castle. Considering Alan was always going on about “safety first,” this felt like an odd choice.

“Hrm, you’re right, but I wouldn’t be able to inhume them.”

“Inhume?”

“Yeah. In order to prevent them from coming back to life, we should bury them.”

“Oh, right.”

“So if we face them out in the field, we won’t have to worry about where to dig graves.”

“Yeah… Wait, what?” After thinking on Alan’s words for a moment, Catria finally realized what he was getting at. “I really, really feel bad for that Alice girl…”

“You’re all shoveled and ready to go!” Munch, munch. Lithisia was seated on the ground eating some elf snacks that Fio made.

“I’m shocked you have an appetite, given how it reeks of undead right now…”

“I plugged my nose with shovel-shaped tissues, so it’s no problem at all.”

No problem, except for the problem with her head.

“Would you like some, Catria? I still have some shovel-shaped ones.”

“I’d prefer to stay human, thanks.”

“You bastards! Stop stuffing your faces! Are you ready?!” Alice screamed. She sat haughtily in a portable shrine made from bones in the center of her army. For whatever reason, she was waiting to attack. She must’ve been confused by all the shovel nonsense.

“Shall we begin then?” Alan said.

“What’s with that shovel of yours? What are you, some sort of clown? Bwahahaha!” Alice laughed. Her undead army, the Neo Riften Guard, was the strongest military force on the surface of the planet. There was no way she would lose to three humans. “Kill them all!”

And just like that, the shovel descended upon the battlefield.

The droves of undead shone like the surface of a river bathed in light. It was, in fact, the light reflected as Alan chopped off their heads, made graves, buried them in said graves, then hardened the ground with his shovel and built headstones.

“Woooow! You’re the best, Sir Miner!”

Lithisia cheered for Alan as he built 10,000 graves. All Catria was able to catch with her eyes was a storm of light on the battlefield. The miner’s “Light Speed Shoveling” was impossible to see with human eyes.

“The Last Shovel.”

Alan stabbed his tool into the dirt. He was all done burying his enemies.

“I… What.” Catria looked at the battlefield. “He made a graveyard.”

There were in fact 10,000 headstones standing side by side. The stones themselves were sparklingly new, and each one read, “Here sleeps a nameless hero of Riften.” They even had flowers placed at their bases. In the center of the graveyard was a tower with a bell. The nail in the coffin (hah) was the requiem echoing throughout the area.

Its source? Alan’s shovel, of course.

“...”

The requiem was enough to push Catria to her tipping point. Again.

“Make a few adjustments and a shovel can be a great musical instrument. The shovel head kinda resembles a guitar pick already, right?”

Right?! Are you kidding me?!

“My only regret is that I had to bury these fine folks without knowing their names.”

WHO CARES?!

“Ah, Sir Miner! I would love if, when the time comes, you made my grave for me!”

“I have a headache…”

“Hrm? Are you okay? Want me to use my Shovel Healing on you?”

“Hell no! That’d just make things worse!”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH?!”

It was then that they heard a cry coming from Queen Alice. “Why?! Why has my powerful army been turned into a graveyard?! What happened?!”

“The power of the shovel happened.”

“What the heck does that mean?! What exactly is that thing?!”

Catria had asked the same question many times. She got the feeling that Alice would make for a wonderful friend had they met under better circumstances.

“Alan, what should we do with her?”

“She might have info about the other orbs. Let’s capture her for now.”

A second later, Alice was nude and tied up on the ground thanks to Alan’s rope (???) shovel.

“What the hell?!”

“Alan, could you maybe take things a little more slowly? This is too much for me.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

The young girl was tied up and completely in the buff, her silver hair resting on the ground. Alan’s eyes were drawn to her barely developed chest. Though she was the queen of the undead, the miner felt somewhat guilty.

“Why?! How?! How could one with an astral body be tied up like this?!”

“The power of the shovel.”

“Madness! As if a base tool like a shovel could ever have any kind of effect on an astral body!”

“A base...tool?” Lithisia responded to Alice.

Catria felt a chill run down her spine. Lithisia was smiling, but her eyes were not. For some reason, behind the princess was a shovel-shaped aura. She was actually terrifying.

“Sir Miner, could you leave her to me?”

What was she planning to do? Alan didn’t dare ask, as it was all too clear that she was planning on “shoveling” the undead queen.

 

***

 

“Gaaah! S-stop it! Stop this at o-once!!!”

Alice cried out and squirmed, still tied up.

“Hee hee hee. Come on now, Lady Alice. This is just a ‘base tool’, right?”

“Stop! Don’t come any closer! P-please! Just s-stop… Aaaaah!!”

“I will not stop.”

With each adjustment Lithisia made to the shovel, Alice’s body bent and contorted. For some reason, black sweat was pouring from the jewel in her forehead, as if it were screaming for Lithisia to stop as well.

“What exactly am I looking at?”

“Don’t ask me.”

Lord knows that if they asked Lithisia, she’d just answer with “shoveling” or something similar.

In any case, if one were to describe what they were watching unfold, it would be as such: Lithisia was running the tip of her red shovel across the bottoms of a young, naked, silver-haired girl’s feet. Apparently the tool was extremely effective against the girl’s astral body.

Tickle, tickle.

“F-for the love of! Please, stop! I can’t take any… Hah hah hah!”

“Not yet! Let’s shovel some more!”

“Aha! Hahahaha, noooooooooooo!” The naked girl’s nose was running, she had tears in her eyes, and she was drooling. What a mess.

“I never considered using a shovel for interrogation.”

“Forget everything you’re seeing! You can never use this against a human, ever!”

“Tell that to Lithisia.”

Five minutes later, the young girl was on her knees apologizing, covered in tears and sweat and drool.

“I’m so so so so so so sorry, please forgive me! I’ll tell you everything I know! Just no more of that infernal shovel, please!”

“Infernal…?”

“EEK! I-I mean that that the shovel is shovely shoveltastically shoveltronically awesome!”

Alice was already a slave to Lithisia’s will.

The princess wiped the sweat from her forehead and drew close to Alan. “Sir Miner! I put everything you taught me to good use!”

“Don’t ever do that again.” What have I turned this princess into?

But right now, Alice was priority number one.

“Now then… Who are you, exactly?”

Alice trembled in response to his question, but as soon as she looked at Lithisia’s shovel, she began to shake even more violently. “I’m… I’m Riften’s last queen.”

Not that it matters once a shovel gets involved, Catria thought to herself.