Part 17: The Miner Thaws Out the Ice Sage
Part 17:
The Miner Thaws Out the Ice Sage
The Miner Thaws Out the Ice Sage
NEXT ON THEIR JOURNEY was the ice nation Shilasia, where Lithisia believed they would find the Silver Orb. However, bordering the two nations was the tallest mountain range in the world, Noborapidal. Most travelers had no choice but to find another way through, even if that added a great deal of time to any journey. As such, once they reached the foothills, Alan decided to build a tunnel running through the mountain range.
“Wait, wait! Just because you want to doesn’t mean you can!” Catria interjected, but within three seconds, the tunnel was made.
“Done.”
“!!”
The arch was a total of five meters tall. The path had two lanes, wide enough for a large horse and carriage to travel along it. Orange shovel lights lined the sides of the passageway (powered by Shovel Power capable of keeping the lights operational for 256 years). Additionally, there was an emergency shovel installed every ten meters.
“What the hell would you even use these for?!”
“For shoveling, of course! Right, Sir Miner?”
“They’re necessary in the event of a cave-in,” Alan said. He didn’t seem to realize he was the only person who’d be able to shovel his way out in a situation like that.
The tunnel itself was ten kilometers in length, the longest in all the world.
“I also figured this’ll help international relations between the Shilasia and Desertopia.”
“Wow, you even shoveled up international relations? Your wondrousness never ends, Sir Miner, shovel!”
“Please don’t add shovel to the end of your sentences.”
Catria stared at the tunnel for a moment before sighing. I’m pretty sure we’re at the point where we should be classifying this guy as a natural disaster.
“W-wait, Alan,” she said. “This tunnel is going to be a problem.”
“How so?”
“Desertopia is a military nation. If they have access to a tunnel like this…”
“It’ll mean war?”
Catria nodded. Desertopia was a belligerent nation. Peace with the ice nation had persisted for a time, but that was only because of the mountain range separating the two. If Desertopia found out about a tunnel connecting the nations, there was little doubt that they’d mobilize.
War was a senseless, destructive thing. Catria had learned this firsthand at Riften.
Lithisia quickly drew near and smiled. “That would be a problem! But I have a shoveltastic idea!”
“Your Highness!” Catria was genuinely moved. While the princess’s manner of speaking was all but a lost cause, it was a relief to find that some semblance of royal responsibility remained with her.
“You see, we’ll simply create Holy Shovel Embassies in both nations and deepen the relationship between them!”
Regret. Nothing but regret.
“Don’t worry, the military can’t use this tunnel,” said Alan.
“Excuse me?”
“There’s a trap hole at the entrance. Merchants and travelers can pass through just fine, but any member of the military would automatically be dropped down.”
“That’s completely absurd. Why do you have to be like this?”
“My Shovel Sensor will be able to tell the difference. What’s so absurd about that?”
“Everything.” Unfortunately, Catria knew there was no point trying to dig holes in Alan’s logic. “But wait. Why didn’t I fall through? I’m a knight.”
“You’re not a knight so much as you’re a shovel,” chirped Lithisia.
“Wha?!” Catria was floored. Astounded. Undone. Truly this was the greatest disgrace in the history of humanity. “Take that back, Your Highness! I’m going to get angry!”
“But you didn’t fall into the hole. Is that not proof enough?”
“Urgh.”
Lithisia smiled in Catria’s direction while Catria held her head in her hands. Had she already been corrupted by the foul existence known as the shovel? No, that was impossible. She still had time!
“I-I don’t need this shovel anymore! Take it back,” Catria exclaimed as she attempted to return the Holy Shovel Alan had passed on to her during the Riften dungeon raid. Unfortunately, the thing wouldn’t leave her hands. It was as if it was glued to them. A chill ran down Catria’s spine. “What the hell?!”
“I imbued that shovel with Divine Shovel Power so that it would watch over you until you become a full-blown Holy Knight.”
“You cursed me, you bastard! This is a cursed shovel!”
“Catria, I’m so excited for you. You’re going to become the captain of the Holy Shovel Knights!”
“I didn’t ask for this! Get it off me! Get it off!”
“Truly pitiful,” said Alice.
Catria was already in tears.
***
The party entered the ice nation as they attempted to shomfort (shoveling comfort) the tearful Catria. Upon exiting the tunnel, they were welcomed to the outside world by a blast of frigid snow. It was so cold that it instantly robbed them of their body heat. Catria’s exposed thighs were especially chilled.
“Wh-what the?! It’s freezing!” The knight shivered and crossed her arms.
The ice nation was far more bitterly cold than anyone could have anticipated. It felt like in a matter of minutes they would be frozen solid.
“Hrmph, this temperature certainly is abnormal,” said Alan.
Admittedly, compared to the Cocutos Planes deep below the surface, this was nothing. But even he had to admit that these were harsh living conditions. Furthermore, the snow was purple, a clear sign of magic at work. Something was amiss in this country.
“We have to do something about this cold. Everyone, keep your shovels close to your body.” Alan’s warning started out reasonably enough but dissolved into nonsense in the latter half.
“Of course!” Lithisia said. “You too, Alice!”
“Don’t you dare shovel me! I’m right next to you!”
“I-It’s so damn cold!” Catria might as well have been vibrating. Her lips were already blue. This was bad. The cold had numbed her beyond the point of feeling pain. Am I going to die?! “H-how are you still okay, Your Highness?!”
Alan and Alice were abnormal to begin with, but Lithisia wore a dress that exposed her breasts. She should have been even more frozen than Catria at the moment. Yet the knight stared at her princess, only to find that she was gripping her red shovel close to her chest. In fact, beads of sweat were dripping into her cleavage. She looked plenty warm.
“Why?!”
“Catria, if you’re cold, you should shovel up and get warm.”
Shovel up?!
“Hold your shovel close and you’ll warm right up.”
“If I do that, I’m gonna get frostbite!”
“Sir Miner seems fine.”
The fact that Alan was completely fine wearing light traveling clothes was inhuman. Hell, he wasn’t human to begin with. That wasn’t sarcasm, either.
“Catria, use your shovel’s anti-chill properties,” he instructed her. “You’ll warm up right away.”
Like hell I will! The unnatural frost and her own logic fought a furious battle over Catria’s soul. She was beginning to lose the light.
Alice looked over at the knight, now on the verge of death, and panicked. She attempted to slap her back into shape.
“Hold yourself together, Catria! Catria! Don’t you dare leave me alone with these crackpots!”
“Ugh…”
“If you lose consciousness now, you’re gonna be a shovel! Are you okay with that?!”
“Urgh!” Catria rapidly shook her head back and forth and regained her composure. “Th-thanks, Alice.”
Unfortunately, this didn’t fix the problem that was the weather. Catria would still rather die than use a shovel, but at this point, she really was walking the line. Was it a mistake for her to have tagged along on this journey with all these nonhumans?
“Fine,” said Alan suddenly.
“What are you plotting?!” Catria barely had time to say it when her body was lifted into the air. It wasn’t that she was floating; she could feel two powerful arms holding her up. When she looked for the culprit, she found Alan’s face right near her own. His warmth bloomed on her exposed thighs and back.
She was being carried. Like a princess.
“Wh-what?! What’s going on?!” Upon realizing the situation, Catria’s face went crimson.
“You’re going to die if we don’t do something. This way, my shovel’s warming powers should pass on to you.”
“H-how dare you! You big jerk! Let me down!”
They looked like a hero and a princess right out of a storybook.
After throwing a bit of a fit, Catria realized it was futile. Alan wasn’t going to let go. But troublingly, Lithisia looked extremely jealous. Catria sensed that her life was in danger. Seeing an out, she protested, “You should be doing this sort of thing with the princess, not me!”
“That won’t do. Or would you rather hold a shovel?” Alan asked.
The knight had two equally unacceptable options. Hold a shovel, or let Alan carry her. “What the hell’s up with my choices?! They both suck! You jerk!”
“I didn’t realize you were such a diva, Catria.” Alan sighed to himself and let her down.
Just as Catria thought she was finally in the clear, Alan whipped out the head of his shovel and lodged it into her neck armor, raising her into the air. It was like the enemy had stuck her atop a spear on the battlefield.
Worse, her underwear was completely visible from below.
“Aaaaaaaaah!” Catria immediately held down her short skirt armor. It nonetheless flapped freely, an ultimately wasted effort.
“The heat of my shovel can travel this way too.”
“You jerk! You big, fat jerk!” Catria’s eyes filled with tears.
The conversation continued as the party made their way down the snowy path.
“Snow shovels, la di da!”
“It’s a song for brainwashing! Cover your ears, Catria!” shouted Alice.
Unfortunately, all the knight could do was cry. Will I still be human when this journey comes to an end?
***
After a few kilometers, Alan finally let Catria down. His shovel heat had managed to warm her significantly. Catria was grateful to walk along the path on her own feet, albeit wiping her tears away with her handkerchief.
Eventually, the party came upon a gate of stone.
“This is the capital of the ice nation? Hrm.” Alan frowned.
They stood in front of a castle covered in snow. Its gates were enormous and also closed. Something about the whole thing seemed off. For example, despite the castle gates being huge, there were no gatekeepers anywhere to be found.
“Don’t let your guard down.” Alan pushed the truly gargantuan gate open carefully with his shovel (Catria didn’t interject), and the party walked in.
Ahead were a series of frozen statues in the road. They were impossibly realistic, and sculpted entirely from ice. It was almost as if only moments before, the figures were alive and walking, and had only frozen when the gate opened.
“Wait, no…” Alice approached the statues and touched one. “Hrmph. Ice Coffin magic, eh?”
“What’s that?”
“A type of magic capable of turning someone into ice instantly. This is likely the work of a mage,” Alice explained as a nervous bead of sweat ran down her cheek. “I could do this to a single person, but not an entire city.”
“Could you, Sir Miner?”
“Shovels exist to break ice, not make ice.”
“Is that really the issue right now?” Despite her interjection, Catria too was sweating, terribly unnerved.
Every human in the city had been frozen solid. Merchants, knights doing the rounds, everyone. There were even those who wore smiles on their frozen faces. How much magic did someone need in order to freeze so many people all at once?
“The cold energy is coming from over there.” Alan pointed his sharp gaze at a tall tower standing in the center of the city. The unsettling purple energy that colored the snow pooled at the tower in a deeply unnatural way. It was clearly the source of this snowstorm. “We have to hurry, Catria.”
“Are we running to the tower?”
“No. Instead…” Alan waved his shovel but once. Immediately, a snowy path stretched up into the sky, forming a bridge of stairs. It was unbelievably long, spanning all the way up to the window at the very top of the tower. Alan tapped it as if to check its sturdiness. “Right. This thing should hold about fifty people. We’ll be taking this ice bridge straight to the tower.”
“Fine…”
This guy could probably melt all the ice in the world, Catria thought to herself.
***
At the top of the tower, there was a solemn audience hall with a throne, and near to the throne was a giant, transparent pillar of ice. Icy air enveloped it, almost like an aura. Occasionally, it made eerie sounds as it absorbed even more ice onto itself.
And within said ice…was a human, trapped inside.
A girl with short silver hair, to be exact. She looked to be around sixteen or seventeen years old. She wore what appeared to be a robe, but it was terribly tattered. She had a cool look to her, a slim body, and small but firm breasts. A real beauty. Also, her eyes were closed; she looked to be asleep within the ice.
“Could she be the Ice Witch?” Lithisia whispered.
“Princess Lithisia, do you know who this girl is?”
“It’s said that the Ice Witch Riezfeld helped found the kingdom of ice, Shilasia. This girl looks exactly like the one in the pictures found in the royal scrolls… But the era during which she lived was three hundred years ago. How could she last this long without a shovel?”
Outside of the final bit, Lithisia’s explanation was pretty on point.
“There are humans out there who can live more than three hundred years,” Alan whispered to himself. After all, he’d been alive for 1,011 years at this point. Was the ice girl like him? Or was she not even human to begin with? “Either way, we’re gonna have to wake her up and ask her some questions.”
Since there were no other humans to be found, there was no alternative way to gather info on the location of the Silver Orb.
“Alan, can you melt the ice?”
“The magic is too powerful for me to simply melt it with heat.”
“Huh, so it’s impossible even for you?” Catria was a little startled to realize she’d simply assumed that Alan would be able to do it. Maybe it was true. Maybe her mind had been poisoned by the foul tool known as the shovel.
“That’s why I’m not going to melt it,” he said. “I’m going to chip away at it.”
“Excuse me?”
“Didn’t I tell you? Shovels were designed to break ice.” With that, Alan dug his shovel into the ice as easily as if it were some kind of sherbet.
“Sir Miner, you’re making me want shaved ice!”
“I’d like strawberry-flavored,” said Alice. “Thank you.”
Catria was overwhelmed by the sensation of her brain cells being chipped away, too.
Once Alan had flaked away all the ice, Riezfeld collapsed out of her prison.
“Oooof.”
Alan quickly took her in his arms. Despite being acutely cold, her skin was soft. She also appeared to be conscious. Slowly, Riezfeld opened her eyes.
“Good morning.”
“Where…am I…?” The girl named Riezfeld rapidly blinked her eyes as she came to. She brought her hand to her head as if it were in pain. “My head… I… I… Who am I…?”
“Hrm, could she be suffering from memory loss?”
“That’d be a problem. We should let her rest,” Catria said.
“No, that won’t be necessary. I’ll just unearth her memories for her.”
“Wha—”
Alan brushed his left hand over Riezfeld’s hair. Suddenly, a sphere of silver light appeared above her head. Alan pierced it a single time with his shovel and began to scoop.
Just like that, the light returned to Riezfeld’s eyes. “Ah… That’s right. I’m Riezfeld… I’m the Ice Sage Riezfeld!”
“Perfect.”
Catria groaned. “Don’t you ‘perfect’ me.”
This man had just unearthed someone’s memories like it was no big deal.
“Human memories are continuously saved in real time by the God of Knowledge. Deep within astral space, on the lowest level of the divine plane, resides the Akashic Record. I simply did a little bit of tweaking with my shovel to access said record and dig up her memories. In other words, the ‘Shoveling Record.’”
“And don’t you dare ‘in other words’ me. None of that made any sense!”
“I… That’s right. I lost control of my power and was trapped in ice…” The silver-haired girl named Riezfeld turned to Alan, a curious expression on her face. “Um, um, may I ask you a question?!”
“Yeah, sure. But first…”
Alan was going to recommend that she put on some clothes, but she was so excited that she wasn’t listening to a word he said.
“Um! Are you perhaps the one who saved me?!”
Alan nodded.
“You’re the one who saved me, the Ice Sage Riezfeld, from her prison of ice?!”
“Er, yes.”
“Which means you’re…the hero?!” Riezfeld’s eyes shone brightly.
“What?”
“Hee hee hee, there’s no point hiding your identity. You released the ancient Ice Sage from the magic ice, after all!” The girl’s face bloomed with delight as she rose to her feet. “If that’s not proof that you’re the hero of legend, I don’t know what is!”
“Is that so?”
“That it is!” Riezfeld reached for her rod, turned to Alan, and formally greeted him. “In that case—I am the Ice Sage, Riezfeld. Sir Hero, might I have your name?”
“It’s, uh, Alan.”
“Sir Alan, as thanks for saving my life…” The Ice Sage fell dramatically to her knees and held out her rod to him with both hands. “I offer all of my sagely self to you, Sir Hero.”
A full ten seconds of silence ensued. There was a proper reason as to why Alan was silent for that long. “Riezfeld.”
“Yes, Sir Hero!”
“Could you put on some clothes, first?”
“Huh?”
For the first time since being freed, the girl looked down at herself. She noticed two hardened pink peaks atop two gentle hills. As she was on her knees, it was impossible to see past her thighs, but everything else was completely visible. She was entirely nude.
When the Nude Sage, sixteen years old, spoke of offering knowledge to Alan, it was tragically difficult to hear the offer as anything other than something far more inappropriate.
Riezfeld went silent for a bit. She now realized that she’d said something absurdly easy to misinterpret.
“I-I swear, I didn’t mean it that way!” Her voice shook; tears formed in her eyes as she slowly covered her breasts with one arm. “I-I, um, uh, this isn’t what it looks like.”
“What isn’t what it looks like?”
“It isn’t that I didn’t notice I wasn’t wearing clothes, okay? As a wise sage, I, um, er, it’s my robe’s fault! Sometimes my robe goes translucent! They call it the Great Sage Robe! So, uh, it’s not that I didn’t notice or anything!” The sage completely broke down into ever more wild excuses.
Is it just me, or is there something off about this sage? Catria thought with a sinking feeling.
Alice watched the self-proclaimed Ice Sage from a distance, while Lithisia gripped her shovel as per the usual.
Alan scratched his forehead. “So you’re saying you don’t need clothes?”
“Ah, no, I, um, well you see!” Riezfeld waved her arms about as she tried to explain herself.
“Erm, if you move like that, I can see everything.”
“Oh, gosh!”
The Ice Sage once again dropped to her knees. Now that she was attempting to cover up, she began to shiver. She must’ve finally noticed the temperature. “P-please give me s-some clothes,” she said with tears in her eyes.
Talk about a sad excuse for a sage, Catria thought, her feelings having found rock bottom.
***
Quick as a flash, Riezfeld finally had a robe. The clothes within the castle were, of course, frozen solid, so Alan used his shovel to sew her new garment. As a miner, his clothes often fell apart due to the trials and tribulations of hard physical labor, which was why he had learned to sew with his shovel. The ever versatile tool was designed to dig holes, and since sewing was the act of creating holes through which to pull thread, one could argue that shoveling and sewing were the exact same thing.
“What kind of logic is that?!” Catria cried to no avail.
Riezfeld looked overjoyed as she spun in a circle, her white robe flowing through the air. Her new attire included a blush cape that draped down her back.
“Amazing! This is amazing! It’s small, but so warm!” It appeared she’d entirely forgotten the embarrassment of her earlier circumstances.
“That’s because I sewed it with a shovel. It has anti-cold effects attached to it.”
“Wow. Modern magic is phenomenal.”
It’s not magic. It’s just a shovel, Catria thought to herself.
“I’m looking forward to working with you, Sir Hero!” the sage said as she bowed her head deeply toward Alan.
Lithisia drew near with a serious expression on her face. “Sir Miner.”
Riezfeld looked up. “Huh?”
“He’s not a hero. He’s a miner.”
“Uh…”
“Repeat after me. Sir. Miner.”
The Ice Sage stared at Lithisia in silence, until finally… “S-Sir Miner…?”
“Put your heart into it. Sir Miner!”
“Sir Miner.”
“All hail Sir Miner’s shovel!”
“All hail Sir Miner’s shovel?”
“Wonderful! Perfect! I’m so proud of you!” Lithisia grabbed the sage’s hands with her own, a wide smile on her face. “It’s a pleasure to meet you! My name is Lithisia. I hope we can become great friends!”
Riezfeld had no idea how to respond at first, but at length bopped the palm of her hand with her fist. “Oh, I get it! A ‘miner’ is the same thing as a ‘hero’ in modern civilization!”
Lithisia nodded enthusiastically.
Seeing no hope that the misunderstanding would ever be resolved, Catria decided to stop caring. “More importantly, Riezfeld… Could you tell us what happened here?”
In other words, what had caused Shilasia to be entrapped in magic ice?
“Ah, my apologies. Allow me to explain.” Riezfeld cleared her throat. “This tragedy is the work of a powerful, evil mage.”
In the long gone days of the ancient magic kingdom, Riezfeld had been a sage who perfected the art of ice magic. After she helped to found Shilasia, she spent her days in her “Polar Ice Cave”, studying magic. One day, after returning to the capital city for the first time in a while, she ran across a mage who had also been alive since the ancient times.
“He wanted me to collude with him.”
The mage in question had devised a plan to take over the entire continent, and he required Riezfeld’s assistance to make it happen.
“Needless to say, I had no interest in such things.”
And so the two came to magical blows.
“It was a fierce battle.”
The Ice Sage Riezfeld was tremendously powerful, but her opponent was a fellow ancient mage. At the end of a hard-fought battle, Riezfeld’s magic escaped her control. Her potent ice magic spread throughout the capital, trapping both her and the city within a layer of ice.
“Hold on a second,” Catria interrupted.
“Are you telling me you’re responsible for all of this?”
Riezfeld trembled. “N-no, not at all! It’s all his fault! I was just acting in self-defense!”
Yet it was clear that her magic was the root cause of the ice kingdom’s predicament.
Catria let out a resigned sigh. This sage was trouble, no doubt about it. “Putting that aside for the moment, can the frozen citizens be returned to normal?”
“O-o-of course! I’m the Ice Sage! Defrosting some frozen folks is no big deal!” Riezfeld gripped her rod and yelled out. “Dispel Magic!”
A single, sad puff of smoke seeped out of her rod.
“Ah.”
“Ah?”
“Looks like I’m all out of mana. J-just hold on for a bit.”
“How long are we talking?”
“Since I used up all my mana in that big battle, er… Something like thirty years, I guess…?” The Ice Sage’s voice trailed off.
“We can’t possibly wait that long!”
In another thirty years, who knew what would become of Shilasia?
“O-okay! Just hold on. I’ll do something… Ergh.”
It was clear to everyone present that Riezfeld had no clue what that something would be. Tears once again began to form in her eyes, but Alan simply patted her on the back.
“No worries.”
“Huh?”
The miner gripped his shovel with purpose. “I’ve got my trusty shovel. Let’s melt the ice with it.”
Riezfeld disconsolately shook her head back and forth. “I’m sorry, but this ice represents my magical power at its strongest. Your shovel won’t be very effective…”
“Fear not.” Alan pointed his shovel at a nearby guard.
KA-CHOOOOM!!!
A beam of fire erupted from the head of the tool. It was specifically heated to melt rock. If Alan could handle that, surely he could melt ice.
“Where am I…? I… I’m hot!” howled the guard. It seemed he had instantly and completely recovered.
“Wha?” Riezfeld was stunned by the sight. Wait, now that I think about it… How did he free me from my ice prison?
“Perfect. I’m gonna go defrost the rest of the citizens. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Take care, Sir Miner!”
“Huh? Wha? But… Huh?!”
And so, ten minutes later, the capital was once again alive and well. Alan ultimately defrosted some 60,320 humans. The citizens seemed to have no memory of the many years they had spent frozen, so they simply returned to their daily lives.
Once Alan returned to the audience hall, the party welcomed him back.
“Great job, Sir Miner! I prepared some hot shovel tea for you.”
“I’d prefer regular tea.”
“In that case, I’ll use my shovel to insert some tea leaves and make regular tea for you!”
“Please just do it the normal way.”
Riezfeld’s mouth opened and closed rapidly. Eventually she stopped gaping long enough to give voice to her panic. “M-m-modern mages are this ridiculously powerful?!”
Catria shook her head, resigned. “He’s no mage.”
Alan was but a simple shovel-wielder. Well, there wasn’t actually anything simple about it. Suffice to say that he was the strongest miner on the planet.