Intermission: Alice’s Warm Body Shovel

Intermission:
Alice’s Warm Body Shovel

Let’s rewind a bit. It was late at night, and a completely nude young woman was standing on the deck of the Ultimate Shovel as it sailed back to the Lactia Republic.

“Haaah… Finally, some peace and quiet.”

Alice had come out for a walk beneath the stars and was meandering across the deck of the Ultimate Shovel. This was her chance to retrieve peace of mind after being forced to participate in the mermaid scoop dance at the banquet.

Despite appearances, Alice was an undead king, and she therefore didn’t need sleep (though she sometimes liked it). That was why she was able to go for walks when the humans, or to be more specific, the Shovel Princess, was asleep. This was her self-care, and it prevented her from being completely corrupted by the dreaded shovel.

“The night belongs to me… Heh, I guess not.”

Alice looked toward the mast, where atop the crow’s nest were two men of the sea. Alice emitted a faint light, so she stood out against the darkness and the watchmen soon took notice of her.

“Vice Captain Alice! Thank you for doing the Shovel Rounds!”

Lithisia’s corruption had long since spread throughout the ship.

“Ha ha, fear not! We’re keeping careful watch on the seas!”

As Alice stood silent without showing any sign of response, the watchman came down to report what he’d seen. He produced a metal tube resembling a long-range scope, except the hole at the end wasn’t in the shape of a circle; it was a triangle.

“This here be ‘Shovelscope’, equipped with a Shovel Lens. With this contraption, I can see all the way beyond the horizon!”

Indeed, Lithisia’s corruption was everywhere (despairingly so.)

“By applying a lens to the surface of a shovel, you can see farther than with an ordinary convex lens! It’s crazy!”

“Are you trying to pick a fight with the laws of physics?” asked Alice.

“No, really! You can see things you otherwise couldn’t! Take a look!”

Alice grabbed the Shovelscope and stuck it to her face. Indeed, the triangular lens displayed an array of video images side by side, little windows into different locations. In one, the Lactia Republic’s shovel-shaped flag snapped in the wind; in another, mermaids frolicked in their oasis; in an image in the corner, Alice saw into the captain’s quarters.

“Apparently, the lens allows you to see anything with a ‘shovel’ attribute,” said the watchman.

“I don’t think you can get away with describing this as a lens.”

As Alice perused the Shovelscope’s images, one of the windows began to display a new feed. It showed a white princess dress and long blonde hair, both of which belonged to Lithisia. Well, she certainly qualified as having a shovel attribute. Presently, she was walking along one of the passages within the ship, and she appeared to be headed for the deck.

Alice had an epiphany. “If I use this contraption, I could always stay one step ahead of her, no?”

The Shovelscope revealed anything related to shovels. If she got her hands on it, she’d know Lithisia’s location at all times. No matter where Alice hid, Lithisia always found her with her own bizarre Shovel Senses. But with this scope, Alice might at last escape her grasp.

“Hee hee hee…” Alice grinned as she watched Lithisia approach.

Suddenly, the princess turned around. “Oh, my. If it isn’t Alice!”

SCOOOOP (the sound Lithisia made when she smiled)!

Lithisia was looking directly into Alice’s eyes through the Shovelscope.

“EEEEEEEEEEK!!!”

It was a truly horrific experience. Alice had stared deep into the abyss of the shovel, and it had stared right on back.

***

“Y-you want to discuss something?”

Thirty seconds later, Alice found herself in the captain’s quarters. According to the princess, Alice had been sucked through the lens of the Shovelscope and transported to Lithisia’s location by a process called “Shovel Warping.” Alice could tell she was in danger and Alice-juices trickled from her skin, but Lithisia smiled.

“Yes! Would you hear me out, shovel?” Lithisia asked, holding her glistening red shovel with a smile.

Alice could do nothing but nod as quickly as nonhumanly possible. “So, um, what’s on your mind?”

Do you actually even worry about things?! Alice wanted to add, but in the face of extreme peril, she held her tongue.

In turn, Lithisia nodded, oddly meek. “I’m thinking about the future.”

“The future?”

“As you’re well aware, I want to become a shovel.”

This was already an impossible desire, but Alice had no choice but to keep listening. That said, the princess’s next words proved to be a surprise.

“Have I lost my way…?”

“Excuse me…?” Alice stared. She’s seriously asking me this now?

At Alice’s complete silence, Lithisia continued. “To be honest, I didn’t really grasp what ‘becoming a shovel’ truly meant.”

“I don’t think any human does.”

“But over the last few days, I think I’ve come to understand, just a little.”

“And why’s that?”

“After learning all about that sea monster, the Hydra…”

Lithisia was troubled by the tragic tale of the Hydra Alan had uncovered. The creature came to be due to a man’s love for a mermaid and his desire to become the “ocean” itself. His tragic end…could that be what awaited Lithisia at the end of her journey to become a shovel for the man she loved? After all, the ocean and the shovel were so very similar in the way they were so very great and majestic.

“…”

They’re not even remotely alike. Meh, but I suppose I can understand where she’s coming from, Alice thought, though she refused to accept that the two things were at all similar.

Lithisia clutched her red shovel close to her chest, her uncertainty plainly visible. “Am I fated to one day become a monster like the Hydra?”

Arguably, you’ve already become one. Alice truly believed that. She was about to say as much but stopped herself. Lithisia really seemed to be concerned about all of this. Now that I think about it, this could be the chance of a lifetime.

If Alice could correct Lithisia’s Shovel Course, even just a little bit… This opportunity wouldn’t come again anytime soon.

“If that’s the case…” Alice bowed her head in thought. “You must seek the warmth of others.”

“Warmth?” Lithisia tilted her head.

“Precisely. Before I met you and Alan, I was but a cold-blooded monster. I only ever communed with creatures like myself. The undead who served me, the demon Zeleburg…I’m certain the Hydra was the same.” Alice recalled with cold clarity her dark days as a creature of the night. Had she not met Lithisia and Alan, she most certainly would’ve destroyed the part of herself that was “Alice.” As conflicted as she was about the whole shoveling situation, that much was undoubtedly true. “I personally believe humans become monsters when they lose touch with the warmth of others.”

“Become monsters…”

“That’s why, Lithisia, I have a suggestion.” Alice pointed her finger to the heavens, and like a priestess of prophecy, she made her declaration. “You must seek the warmth of another! The lady knight. The girl of nobility. The elf and the sage. Fortunately, you are surrounded by many friends and allies. If you take great care of your bonds with these individuals and work to solidify them, you will never become a monster like I did.”

Lithisia’s eyes were locked on Alice. “Warmth… I see.”

Deep within, Alice cackled as she watched the princess nod. I did it! I’m the best! Now my pain and suffering will be no more!

Hypothesis: Lithisia interacts more with flesh-and-blood humans.

Consequently: Her time to interact with Alice decreases.

Conclusion: Alice will be shoveled less!

It was the perfect formula. Alice could at last disperse some of her Shovel Suffering (hundreds of times worse than the salt air). This was wonderful. Ever since their visit to the Lactia Republic, Alice had been shoveled daily, and even Alice had to admit she’d started to somewhat enjoy the sensation. This in and of itself told her she was headed down a terribly dangerous path.

I did it!

But just as Alice began to celebrate…out of nowhere, Lithisia enveloped Alice in a soft embrace.

“Yah!”

“Eek!” The undead king looked up to find Lithisia smiling down at her. “What are you… Hey, I’m cold-blooded! You’re not going to get any warmth outta me.”

“Oh, that’s fine. I’m not using you to warm up. It’s the shovessite (opposite).”

“Wha?”

“I thought maybe I might warm you up instead.” Lithisia giggled as she held Alice even more tightly. “If I ever became a shovel, a being beyond that of a human…I doubt there’d be any humans who’d want to be around me. That’s why I need to make sure you don’t ever go back to being a monster, Alice. I have to keep you nice and warm and by my side.”

“I-I was talking about you before, not me…!”

“I’ll stay nice and warm just by standing near Sir Miner.”

Lithisia pressed Alice’s face into her bountiful breasts. She smelled delightful, and even though Alice didn’t need to breathe air, she couldn’t stop taking in the princess-fragrance. This was crazy. Totally crazy. She was going to become addicted to this aroma.

Things would turn out poorly if she didn’t stop now. Alice knew what came next.

“W-wait, stop! Please, no shoveling!!!” said Alice. If Lithisia shoveled her while she was in her current condition… It’d be over. The end. Kaputsies. She couldn’t allow that to happen. “If you take out a shovel now, I’ll pass on to the next life! I swear it!”

Lithisia nodded at the odd threat. “That’s too bad… Then I suppose I’ll just have to settle with rubby shoveling you with my hands.”

“Y-you better keep your promise!”

Just as Lithisia said she would, she slowly ran her hands across Alice’s back. Nice…and slow…

ZIIING!

“!!!”

Alice stretched her arms and legs out, her mouth open and expression strained. It took only a single moment for Alice to reach her limit.

“How?! You’re just using your hands!”

“Didn’t I tell you? I’ve come to understand a little about what ‘becoming a shovel’ means.”

“Hah?!”

“I realized something. When you do this with a human hand…” Lithisia brought her long white fingers in front of Alice and stretched them out. She then stroked them across the middle of Alice’s back. With her middle finger as the apex of her hand, it resembled a thin triangle of sorts. Her hand shone in the faint light of the ship. “It’s just like a shovel.”

SO WHAT?! Alice cried out in her heart.

It was too late for Lithisia. She had unconsciously long since given up on being a human. “And so it’s time to get you nice and shovely warm. Get ready!”

“Shovely warm?!”

Lithisia rested the surface of her hand on Alice’s thighs. Then she began to rubba dub dub!

“Gaahhhh!!!”

And so Alice began to shovely dovely all the rubba dub dubbly.

Shuffle, shuffle, swish swish.

Alice could do nothing to resist.

“I can feel your warmth…” Lithisia cooed. “Ah, this is truly the correct form of the shovel!”

You’re wrong! thought Alice, but she had neither the strength nor energy to say as much.

On this day, Lithisia took more steps forward as a Shovel Princess.