Tai's Side Business

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Patch ~ Xiao-Long/Rose House

The scene opens with familiar cabin before switching to the dinning room. In it, we see Summer and Qrow laughing at the dinner table.

"No way! Now way he did that!" Summer wheezes.

Qrow wipes a tear from his eye. "Yeah, even I didn't believe it when I first saw it."

Even since Summer returned, Qrow and Tai made it their mission to tell her everything that's happened in her absence. Tai would tell her about how their daughters growing up and his other struggles as a single father while Qrow filled her in on more worldwide events.

"But seriously, to think the general of Atlas was caught in an comic book convention of all places must have been a sight to behold." Summer giggles.

"Hehehe, yeah. I'd love to show you the pictures, but Jimmy was very thorough in his crusade." Qrow remarks.

"Yeah, he basically has a 'delete-the-internet' button in his office." Summer said. "What would you do if you had that kind of power?"

"Well, as wise man once said," He pulls out a pair of shades and puts them on. "I will regret nothing." 

"Gosh, you're just like Raven, always living in the edge." Summer comments.

Qrow takes off the shades. "Yeah well, at least I didn't fall off the edge."

"True."

 After another round of laughter, the two calm down.

"Say, where's Tai? I haven't seen him all morning." Summer asked.

"Oh, he's probably at his petting zoo." Qrow replies.

Summer looks perplexed. "Tai has a petting zoo?"

"He had to find an outlet to cope with his depression, and apparently running a petting zoo was the way to do it." Qrow said.

Summer gasps. "That sounds awesome! Aww, they must be so cute!"

Qrow chuckles. "Yeah well, you probably wouldn't like how he handles his animals."

"What do you mean?" Summer asked.

Qrow pulls out his Scroll and browses through the internet before handling it to Summer. "Here, see for yourself."

Intrigued, Summer takes the Scroll and see that it's a video on DustTube.

She presses Play. 

We see Tai on a boat on a swimming pool aiming a sniper rifle at a fat guy with an egg on his head.

"Hold still, you fat sonuvabitch!" Tai yells.

"I'm being still!" The fat bastard yells which causes the egg to fall.

"Ah, shit! Turn me back around or I'm gonna shot them trees again!"

"What the hell-?"

"My name is Taiyang, I am a single father and I'm broke as shit!" An overview of the farm is shown. "I run this petting zoo called Zootopia where you an' the fam' can come down and pet my animals! And then you can eat one!"

"I wanna eat this one!" A little girl holds a chicken up to Tai.

Tai grabs the chicken and walks all crab-like. "Damn tootin', woman." He throws the chicken in the open and grabs a near flamethrower. "Lit. Lavish ain't got shit on this!" He ignites the flamethrower and kills the chicken.

"No! Not the chicken!" Summer cries while eating some leftover chicken from last night.

Qrow just gives her a look. "Seriously?"

"Here in Patch, we got a gas station and a movie theater but we're still the second largest petting zoo in the Vale." Rusty Ketchum states. (Summer: That makes no sense)

Tai eats a raw egg. (Summer: Ugh, why?)

"They wish they had chickens as big as mine, but I don't fuck around honey, this is Patch." Purple Dynamite states.

"Is that Professor Port in a dress?" Summer asked.

"Surprisingly no. I asked him if he has any siblings and said no." Qrow said.

"... she is aware those are turkeys, right?"

"Denial is the first step towards acceptance."

"That bearded bitch claims she has-" Tai began.

"-the biggest chickens in all of Patch." Purple finished.

"Everyone knows them chickens is turkeys!" Tai exclaims.

"I'm taking this c**k." The little girl said. (Summer: Swear! Qrow: Well technically, she's not wrong)

Tai walks in an takes the chicken. "Damnit, you call them roosters!"

"These dumbass chickens love my kids which is great 'cuz I don't." The bitchy mother admits.

"I hope she rots in heck." Summer growls.

The scene switches to the inside of a house where we see Fat Bastard handing him lunch. "You better be hungry, asshat."

"I wanna eat pussy!" Tai exclaims.

"Tai and I have been together for seven years now. I help him around the zoo and he lets me live." Fat Bastard said.

"Wait, that's his actual name?" Summer asks.

Qrow shrugs. "We don't know what his name is, but the insult has become so synonymous with him that it stuck."

Flashback~

"So here's the deal: you get to live here in the farm and in exchange you help me run the place, capiche?" Tai asked.

Fat Bastard nods frantically while Rusty holds him down, rusty knife on his neck.

Flashback end~

"Oum, what is Tai doing!?" Summer exclaims.

"Using the methods Rae taught him apparently." Qrow said.

In the present day, we see Fat Bastard holding a chicken with evident fear in his face.

"HOLD STILL! DADDY WANTS A SNACK!!!" Tai ignites the flamethrower, engulfing the two.

"I hope Fat Bastard has Aura." Summer prayed.

The scene switches to an interview with Tyson Ass, another of Tai's employees.

"Today we're shooting a campaign promo." Tyson said.

We see the gang in the woods with camera equipment. "And action."

"Oumdamnit, you gotta say action!" Tai yelled.

"I did!"

"Well shit!" 

"Wait a minute, Tai ran for mayor." Summer asked.

Qrow nods. "He did and surprisingly he got a lot of support. Unfortunately, he got evicted as soon as he got into office."

"Wha- why!?" 

"Something about him running a meth lab or something? I don't know." Qrow shrugs.

"You may have seen my competitor's ads, but did you know that he drinks diet coke?" Purple asks while the screen shows mugshot Tai labeled "PERVERT!!!"

The scene switches to show Tai and co in a bar drinking said coke. "THAT BITCH!"

"Take it from me. Patch's #1 chicken bitch."

"Fuck you, Purple!" The gang all run out of the bar.

"Okay I have to ask, why is she in Tai's commercial? I thought they were rivals." Summer asks.

"Honestly, I couldn't even tell you. The machination's of that man's brain are an enigma." Qrow states.

"You're just making excuses."

That's just how I see it, Sum. Your husband's got a few screws loose."

The scene switches to show everyone climbing Purple's fence. 

"Let's steal these f**king turkeys!" They all then proceed to grab as many turkeys as they could care.

Purple walks out of the front door with a shotgun in her hands. "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CHICKENS!"

"Those are turkeys you bearded bitch!"

"Those turkeys are chickens!!!"

The scene changes to show Purple walking through a flower field. "People are perplexed by my chickens being almost turkey-sized, but if you feed them pieces of meat you are no longer married to, they will grow to preposterous proportions."

"Huh..."

"Summer, no. You can't feed Raven to Zwei." Qrow scolds her.

"I wasn't gonna (Zwei might a get a bad tummy ache from eating too much bird anyway). Summer voiced her thoughts in a low whisper.

"Well I got me the greatest pass time in the world. It helps me stop myself from ending it all." Tai states before grabbing a his flamethrower. "NOW YOU BASTARDS GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LAND!" He blasts the camera crew with fire causing them all to run away.

Tai then sees a familiar "woman" in his ranch. "Hey you, get the fuck away from ma chickens!"

Purple proceeds to stuff one in her bra. "YOUR CHICKENS ARE TRASHED!" 

"YOUR CHICKENS IS TURKEYS!"

The video ends and Summer puts down the Scroll. "Well... that was interesting."

Just then, the front door swings open and Tai walks in.

"Hey girls, I'm back. And I bought chicken for everyone!!!" Tai exclaims.

In the kitchen, Summer leans closer to Qrow's ear. "What are the changes that chicken's from his little place?"

"On a scale from one to 10? 11." Summer said.

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Author Notes

No notes this time; too tired to think own. 

This one is one of my favorite Brandon Rogers videos.

Peace~