CHAPTER 2

It was supposed to be fall already, but the temperature had yet to cool. I guess Earth finally went senile and forgot to change the season in Japan to fall. The summer heat appeared set to continue diligently into extra innings with no end in sight. It would stick around forever unless someone hit a walk-off home run. Though I got the feeling that by that point, fall would be long gone and we’d be into winter.

Haruhi told us that it might take a while, so we grabbed our book bags as we left school. I wondered where Haruhi was headed as she rapidly descended the hill. I really doubt we can find a sponsor willing to donate money for a high school original movie. Maybe if we were a research society, but we’re an absolutely pointless, unexplained group that’s existed for over half a year despite the fact that we don’t know why we’re here. I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody even opened their door for us.

After we reached the bottom of the hill, we boarded the local line of the private railway and got off at the third station. We were near the cherry-tree-lined path where Asahina and I had taken a stroll. I saw a huge department store as well as a shopping district. A relatively busy place.

With Asahina and me in her tracks, Haruhi headed straight into the shopping district.

“Here.”

The place Haruhi pointed to after she had finally stopped was an electronics store.

“I see,” I said. Apparently, she intends to wrangle the equipment for filming the movie out of this place.

How?

“Hold on. I’m going to go negotiate.”

Haruhi handed me her bag and walked into the glass-walled store.

Asahina hid behind me, looking fearfully into the store illuminated by the lighting display, like a shy grade-schooler visiting a friend’s house for the first time. I was all pumped up to protect Asahina this time, observing Haruhi’s back as she waved and then began talking to a middle-aged man who looked to be the manager. If Haruhi even remotely looks like she’s about to do anything fishy, I’ll take Asahina under my arm and run for it.

On the other side of the glass, Haruhi was talking while pointing to some item on display, then to herself, and then to the guy. And the guy was just nodding. I should probably warn him not to acquiesce so readily.

Eventually, Haruhi spun around and pointed to the two of us, who were standing outside the glass door ready to escape at a moment’s notice. She then smiled like she’d eaten some weird ’shrooms and returned to her animated speech.

“I wonder what she’s doing….,” Asahina—hiding behind me to the side—said questioningly as she repeatedly stuck her face out for a peek before drawing it back.

If someone from the future doesn’t know, there’s no way I would.

“Beats me. She’s probably telling the guy to give her his most advanced digital handheld video camera free of charge.”

She’s a girl capable of saying stuff like that with a straight face. One slip and you’ll have her thinking that the world revolves around her.

I sighed. “What a pain.”

I recall posing a query to Nagato not too long ago.

Haruhi believes her values and judgment to be absolute. And it’s certain that she has no idea that other people, actually most people, may think or feel differently. If you want to achieve faster-than-light travel, let Haruhi on your spaceship. She’ll just simply ignore the theory of relativity for you.

When I mentioned this to Nagato, the reticent pseudo-alien responded with the following.

“Your belief is most likely correct.”

One of Nagato’s more meaningful sentences. A joke that wasn’t funny. That is the existence of Haruhi Suzumiya.

“Ah, it looks like they’re done talking.” Asahina’s hushed voice brought me out of my flashback.

As expected, Haruhi emerged from the electronics store looking very pleased. She was carrying a small box in her hands. I looked at the product photo next to the large logo of a well-known electronics maker. If I wasn’t mistaken, it looked like a video camera.

“What kind of threats did you make? Hand it over or I’ll set fire to the place? Boycott the store? Send prank faxes all night? Go into a violent tantrum on the spot? Self-destruct without any warning?”

“Are you retarded? I wouldn’t use those kinds of blackmail tactics.”

Haruhi was merrily walking under the canopy of the shopping district.

“The first step was a success. Everything’s going well.”

I walked after her, forced to carry the box containing the video camera, as I watched her straight hair swaying across her back.

“I’m asking how you got such an expensive item for free. Are you holding something over him?”

Yeah, the first thing she said after leaving the store was “Got it.” If he’s giving away stuff, hook me up. What are the magic words?

Haruhi looked back with a grin on her face. “Nothing special. I said that I wanted to film a movie, so give me a camera, and the guy was like sure and gave it to me. No problem at all.”

No problem now maybe, but I have a feeling there will be a problem later on. Or do I just worry too much?

“Stop getting worked up over every little thing. You just need to work enthusiastically as my servant.”

Unfortunately, it felt as though last spring, I had accidentally gotten on a ship with the word Titanic written across its side. I wanted to send out an SOS at one point, but I regret to say that I don’t know Morse code. First of all, I don’t have the temperament to just generously be anyone’s servant.

“Come on, let’s go to the next store!”

Haruhi walked off energetically, arms swinging, amid the crowd of shoppers. I exchanged a look with Asahina before running after Haruhi as she faded into the distance at a pace you’d expect from someone participating in a speed-walking race.

The next place Haruhi visited was a model shop.

Asahina and I were left outside again as Haruhi engaged in negotiations. I was beginning to understand. When Haruhi pointed at us through the glass, she was actually pointing to Asahina. Like she meant for Asahina to perform some kind of action to serve as payment through services. Asahina, completely oblivious to that fact, was curiously staring at the diorama in the display case. Should I tell her?

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After a few minutes of waiting, Haruhi once again emerged from the store carrying a bulky box.

“What is it this time?”

“A weapon,” Haruhi replied as she pressed the box on me. Upon a closer look, I saw that the box contained something like a plastic model. And it appeared to be a pistol-type firearm. What was she going to do with this?

“We’ll use it in the action scenes. Some gun action. A flashy gunfight is one of the basics of entertainment. I’d like to blow up a few buildings while we’re at it. Do you happen to know where they sell dynamite? I wonder if the general store sells it.”

How would I know? I can at least tell you that you’re not going to find any in convenience stores or on the Internet. You might find some lying around if you go to a quarry…

… was the next thing I was about to say, but I swallowed those words. Think about who this is. I wouldn’t put it past her to go off in the dead of night to steal fuses and TNT gun-powder.

I set the boxes containing the video camera and model gun on the ground and turned to Haruhi. “So? What do we do with all this stuff?”

“Take them home with you for now. Then bring them to the club room tomorrow. It’d be a pain to go back to school at this point.”

“Me?”

“You.”

Haruhi crossed her arms with a cheery look on her face. A sight rarely seen in the classroom. Her SOS Brigade–only smile. Whenever Haruhi smiled like this, I ended up having to run around cleaning up after each disaster. Was I the opposite of the straw millionaire?

“Um.”

Asahina was timidly raising her hand.

“What should I do…?”

“You’re fine, Mikuru. You can go home now. We’re done for the day.”

Asahina blinked her eyes rapidly like a raccoon cub bewitched by a fox spirit, since the only thing she’d done all day was nervously follow Haruhi around with me. She had no idea why Haruhi forced her to come along.

Haruhi looked like she still had enough energy left to do a second round of cardio exercises as she led us to the nearest station. Apparently that took care of the day’s Haruhi-related activities. Either her negotiating skills or underhanded talents had yielded a video camera and a small gun. No expense charged. In other words, they were free.

People used to say that there was nothing more frightening than getting something for free. The problem was, Haruhi wasn’t the least bit scared. Actually, if something out there is capable of scaring her, please get in touch with me.

The next day, I found myself lugging excess baggage in addition to my book bag up the hill.

“Yo, Kyon. Whatcha carrying there? A present for some good little children?”

That was Taniguchi, running up next to me. A simple-minded, single-celled idiot. An unmistakably ordinary student you could find anywhere. “Ordinary.” What a wonderful word. It means so much to me in my current situation. It has the ring of reality to it.

I hesitated for a moment before passing the lighter of the two plastic bags on to Taniguchi.

“What is this? A model gun? I didn’t know you had such a dark hobby.”

“Not mine. Haruhi’s.”

And I suppose I should have followed up by saying, You shouldn’t be so quick to label it as a dark hobby.

“I really can’t picture Suzumiya disassembling and cleaning a Glock by herself.”

Neither can I. Which means somebody else is going to be disassembling and reassembling this thing. I should mention that when I was a kid, I once attempted to put together a certain mobile suit, which ended with me giving up when I couldn’t attach the right shoulder joint.

“Must be rough for you.”

Taniguchi didn’t sound the least bit like he thought it was rough for me.

“We could search through all ages and places and the only person willing to babysit Suzumiya would be you. I guarantee it. So hook up with her already.”

What the hell is he saying? “I have no intention of attaching myself to Haruhi in any feasible way. The one I would want to attach myself to would be Asahina.” As would anyone else if given the choice.

Taniguchi cackled like a demon.

“Yeah, that won’t do. She’s the angel of North High. A resting spot for the hearts of the male students. Unless you want half the school to stuff you into a bag, don’t do anything funny. You wouldn’t want me to lose my head and stab you in the back, right?”

“Then I’ll go with my next choice, Nagato.”

“That’s also out of the question. She has more secret admirers than you might expect. Why’d she stop wearing glasses? Did she switch to contacts?”

“Beats me. Ask her yourself.”

“From what I’ve heard, she ignores anyone who tries to talk to her. Apparently, Nagato’s class believes that if she says a single word that day, something good or bad will definitely happen.”

“Don’t talk about Nagato like she’s a bamboo flower. That kind of fortune-telling died out long ago. And while it’s true that she isn’t quite normal, she still has some normal qualities—well, I guess not.”

“In other words, you and Suzumiya are made for each other. You’re the only one capable of talking with her, and it’s best to minimize the number of her potential victims. So take care of it. That reminds me. The cultural festival’s coming up. What will your club be doing this time?”

“Stop asking me.”

I’m not the SOS Brigade public relations guy.

But Taniguchi calmly continued. “If I ask Suzumiya, she’ll just feed me some random nonsense. And there’s the fear that if I ask at the wrong time, she’ll snap. If I ask Yuki Nagato, she won’t give me an answer. And Mikuru Asahina is too hard to approach. Talking to that other guy pisses me off for some reason. So I’m asking you.”

The bastard uses some twisted logic. “You’re making it sound like I’m some kind of nice guy.”

“You’re not? As far as I’m concerned, you’re the kind of nice guy who’d be willing to walk off a cliff with Asahina.”

The front gate was within sight. I took the plastic bag back from Taniguchi with a discouraged look on my face.

I didn’t know where Haruhi’s trail was going to lead us, but I was definitely thinking that I shouldn’t expect anything good. Haruhi and I weren’t the only ones walking this path. At least three others I knew of were in for the ride. And while two of those were able to take care of themselves, Asahina wasn’t safe on her own. She was so hopeless at predicting what was about to happen to her that you would never think she was a time traveler. Well, I guess that works out.

“Which is why,” I said, “somebody has to protect her.” Yeah. I’m sounding like a main character now. Except the only thing I’m protecting her from would be Haruhi’s evil sexual harassment.

On a roll, I continued. “Since I have this chance, I’m going to protect her. I don’t care what all the guys in the school have to say. They can go form their own guardian angels group if they want.”

Taniguchi once again cackled like one of those wailing-old-man demons. “Don’t overdo it. There’s at least one new moon every month.”

After delivering what sounded like a notice from a phantom killer, he ducked into the front gate.

As I walked through the hallway in front of our classroom with my burden, I came across Haruhi putting her things into her locker.

I followed suit, stuffing the boxes containing the electronics and the plastic model into the steel locker with my seat number.

“Kyon, we’re going to be busy.” Without even saying good morning, Haruhi slammed her locker shut and turned to me with a smile like Indian summer.

“Same goes for Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi. I won’t allow any complaining. The movie script is already bubbling in my mind. It’s almost ready to burst. All that remains is to put it into action.”

“I see,” I answered halfheartedly as I entered the classroom.

My desk was second from the back of the room. We’d changed seating arrangements multiple times since the beginning of the first semester, but I had yet to get a seat in the last row. Because Haruhi always ended up sitting behind me. It had gotten to the point where it had become a bit too unnatural to shrug off, but I still believed it to be coincidence. If I don’t have faith in coincidence, coincidence is going to lose confidence in itself.

I’m actually a pretty considerate person. Guess anybody hanging around with Haruhi would have to be. Like a defensive midfielder in a soccer match who has to run down loose balls. Since Haruhi would be the super-offensive-minded forward who’s way offside the second someone touches the ball. She might even be standing behind the opposing keeper. Passing the ball to her would just result in the referee raising his flag, but since this is Haruhi, she’d just say it was a mistaken call. In fact, she would say with a straight face that the rule itself makes no sense. She might even start arguing that picking up the ball and running into the goal should count as a goal. The suggestion that she take up rugby would go ignored.

The best way to deal with an audacious person on a rampage would be to casually leave the scene like you never heard a thing or give up and do as she says. The other people in our school year were already doing so.

Which was why when Haruhi disappeared from the classroom when sixth period ended and the final homeroom period began, neither homeroom teacher Okabe nor anybody else said a word about the fact that the seat behind me was empty. Did they not notice? Or were they just pretending not to notice? Not like they could do anything about it. Well, everyone knew it was best to just leave her alone.

I headed for the clubhouse with a bad feeling in my gut before coming to a halt in front of the club room, carrying the bags loaded with assorted boxes.

I could hear something. Asahina’s helpless voice crying out. Haruhi’s obnoxious voice shouting. She was doing it again.

If I’d opened the door just then, I probably would’ve witnessed a very fine sight. Being a man with common sense, though, I stoically resisted my fantasies and waited patiently.

After five minutes, the weak struggle inside came to a finish. I was sure Haruhi was standing with her hands on her hips and a triumphant look on her face. Based on the reasoning that a rabbit cannot win against an anaconda, I couldn’t see Asahina ever winning.

I knocked.

“Come in!”

A boisterous response from Haruhi. As I wondered about the contents of the paper bags I’d seen that morning, I opened the door and entered the room. The first thing I saw was, in fact, Haruhi’s triumphant face. However, I was pretty sick of that sight. With fervent ardor, I turned my attention to the person seated in the metal chair in front of Haruhi.

A waitress sat there looking at me with teary eyes.

“…”

The waitress, hair disheveled, was doing an impression of Nagato being silent. Her head was drooped. Her full chestnut hair had been tied by Haruhi into two pigtails dangling behind her head. Oddly enough, Nagato was nowhere to be seen.

“Well?” Haruhi asked me with a self-satisfied smirk. Why do you look like you had something to do with this? Asahina’s adorableness is her own…. Then again.

Y’know? I think it looks nice. How does Asahina feel about it? Not that I have any objections…. But isn’t the skirt a tad too short?

Asahina was as perfect a waitress as one hundred percent fruit juice is pure. Her clenched fists rested on her knees.

You look so peculiarly perfect, like you’re dressed in tailor-made clothes. Which was why I spent a good thirty seconds staring in silence at Asahina before jumping when I was tapped on the shoulder.

“Why, hello. I’m terribly sorry about yesterday. We were supposed to do a run-through of the script today, but I had them wrap things up early. I’m finding myself endlessly running around in circles.”

Koizumi’s handsome, cheery face peered over my shoulder into the club room.

“Oh?” He smiled merrily. “What do we have here?”

Koizumi passed next to me and set his book bag on the table before sitting in one of the metal chairs. “It looks quite splendid on you, Asahina.”

“We all know that already. What we don’t know is why a waitress is in this dirty little room that is neither a café nor a family restaurant.”

“That’s because, Kyon,” Haruhi said, “Mikuru will be wearing this outfit in the movie.”

“A maid won’t work?”

“A maid’s job is to go to a rich person’s mansion and provide personal service. It’s different for a waitress. The goal there is to provide assorted services to an unspecified number of customers in a shop on a corner for seven hundred thirty yen an hour.”

I’m not sure if that’s a good wage or not, but it’s not like Asahina is dressing up to serve in a mansion or work some part-time job. Maybe if Haruhi actually paid her.

“Don’t sweat the small stuff! It’s all about feeling. I like how this feels.”

Who cares about you? How does Asahina feel about this?

“Su-Su-Suzumiya… This seems a little too small for me….”

Asahina seemed quite concerned. She was incessantly tugging downward on the hem of her miniskirt. But her motions were too tantalizing. You realize that my eyes can’t help but be drawn there, right?

“It’s just fine. A perfect fit.”

I forced myself to look away and focused instead on Haruhi smiling like a colorful flower blooming in the jungle. Haruhi directed her eyes, always looking forward, at me.

“The concept for our film”—she pointed to Asahina, curled up in a fetal position—“is this!”

“This? Are we doing a documentary on the daily life of a girl working in a café?”

“No. There isn’t anything fun about taking secret videos of Mikuru’s daily life. The only way you could ever get an interesting story out of filming someone’s daily life would be if it was about a person living an extremely eccentric life. Filming the daily life of an ordinary high school student would only be for self-satisfaction.”

I fail to see how that would satisfy Asahina, and from an objective point of view, I’d think that self-satisfaction would be important in itself. Besides, Asahina’s daily life would actually be considered quite eccentric… but I’ll keep my mouth shut.

“As the director representing the SOS Brigade, I decided to provide quality entertainment. Just you watch. Every single member of the audience will be on their feet in a standing ovation!”

Upon closer look, I noticed that Haruhi’s armband had changed from Chief to Director at some point. She sure was prepared.

As I watched the female director getting excited by herself, the female lead getting depressed, and the male lead standing back smiling enigmatically like a bystander, I was wondering what exactly was going on. Then the door opened without a sound.

“…”

I thought something big had come to make an appearance. Scared for a moment there that they’d come to retrieve me from my rather short life. It almost made me wonder if I hadn’t accidentally stepped into the music room from the movie where Salieri goes to Mozart to commission a requiem.

“…”

As she delivered her signature ellipsis, Yuki Nagato entered the room with a paler face than usual. Only her face was visible. Everything else was covered in black.

I wasn’t the only one at a loss for words. Haruhi and Asahina were the same. Koizumi’s smile had a hint of surprise tacked on like a tax. Nagato was garbed in clothing strange enough to startle Asahina.

Her body was wrapped in a mantle as dark as a blackout. Her head was covered by a wide-brimmed pointy hat of the same color. She looked like a vampire hunter. Or maybe the Grim Reaper.

As we watched, Nagato silently headed to her designated seat in the corner, withdrew her bag and a hardcover book from under her mantle, and set them on the table.

And—completely ignoring our shock—she began reading her book.

Apparently, it was the costume for her class’s fortune-telling convention.

That’s what I gathered from Nagato’s short responses to Haruhi, who was the first one to recover and issue a rapid string of questions. Nagato’s class must have had an extremely resourceful and talented stylist to make Nagato wear such a jolly costume.

In any case, if she walked here from her classroom in this monk-like getup, did it mean this was supposed to be Nagato’s way of competing with Asahina? She made guessing what Haruhi was thinking look easy.

An unpleasant silence hung over the room. Only Haruhi looked like she was really happy.

“Yuki, now you understand! Yes, that’s it!”

Nagato slowly turned to look at Haruhi before returning to her book.

“That costume is perfect for the role I had in mind! Let the people who put you in that know later. I want to wire them a message to show my appreciation.”

Don’t. If someone were to receive a message of congratulations from Haruhi, that person would probably suspect some kind of catch and end up being scared of his own shadow. You need to take an objective look at how other people view you.

Haruhi looked to be in high spirits as she hummed the Turkish March while opening her bag and withdrawing a stack of photocopy sheets. She quickly passed them out, looking like Kintaro after wrestling down a black bear.

Not having much choice, I turned my eyes to the sheet of paper.

The following passage was scribbled across the page:

… Yeah, that’s just. Yeah.

Has her level of intuition transcended mere disbelief? Or did she hit the mark without even trying? I’m starting to wonder if she’s just feigning ignorance. What’s with her sharp senses that only work at odd intervals?

As I stood stunned, I was brought back to the real world by the sound of chuckling next to me. The only person with that kind of laugh would be Koizumi.

“Well, this is quite…”

I envy how you seem to be enjoying yourself.

“What should I say? Just as one would expect? Indeed, the casting seems quite appropriate for Suzumiya. It’s wonderful.”

Don’t smile at me. It creeps me out.

Asahina was reading the sheet of paper clutched in her slender, violently trembling hands.

“Wha…”

A soft cry escaped from her mouth. She turned to me with eyes seeking salvation. Except upon a closer look, her eyes seemed very sad, even reproachful. Like a kind, slightly older female relative scolding a young child whose prank had gone too far…. Oh. I remembered. That’s right. After the incident six months earlier, I’d revealed their true identities to Haruhi.

Gah. Crap. Is this my fault?

I frantically spun to look at Nagato, the human-contact-purpose humanoid interface clad in a black mantle and black hat.

“…”

She was silently reading her book.

“I see no problems of consequence,” Koizumi later asserted optimistically.

I failed to see the humor in this situation.

“While these circumstances may not invite humor, there is no need for pessimism.”

“How do you know?”

“For the simple reason that this is merely casting for a movie. Suzumiya does not actually believe that I am a boy esper. I only play the role of a boy esper named Itsuki Koizumi within the fictional context of the movie.”

Koizumi sounded like a tutor talking to a pupil with a really bad memory.

“You can say that the Itsuki Koizumi that exists in reality, myself, and this particular Itsuki are entirely different people. Nobody would confuse a character in a movie with the actor playing the role, right? Even if someone out there were to get the two mixed up, that person would not necessarily be Suzumiya.”

“That’s not very reassuring. There’s no guarantee that what you’re saying is right.”

“If she were for mixing reality and fiction, then our world would have become the stuff of fantasy long ago. As I mentioned before, Suzumiya is still a person who can think rationally.”

I know that. But since Haruhi’s rational reasoning is half-possessed, I’ve been dragged into many bizarre incidents. And Haruhi, the key to all of this, doesn’t have a clue about what’s happening around her.

“For we must not allow her to discover any evidence of what is happening,” Koizumi continued calmly. “There may come a time when we have no choice but to reveal the truth. But not now. Fortunately, Asahina’s faction and Nagato’s faction are of the same opinion. I would prefer that the current situation never change.”

So would I. I don’t want to watch the world turn into a huge mess. That can’t happen until I’ve beaten the game that comes out next week or I’ll have lingering regrets.

Koizumi was still smiling. “You should worry less about the world and be more concerned about your own safety. Nagato and I can probably be replaced, but you have no understudy.”

I took care not to let these feelings of frustration affect me and pretended to be engrossed in pressurizing the gun I now had back in my hands.

Haruhi called it a day after assigning Asahina her costume and announcing the cast. Actually, she apparently wanted to drag Asahina around in her waitress outfit and hold a press conference for the upcoming film, but since Asahina was seriously on the verge of tears, I made Haruhi give up on that idea. It’s not like this high school has a journalism club, news club, or advertising club to begin with. Once I brought that up, Haruhi’s lips pouted into waterfowl status.

“I suppose you’re right.”

Amazingly enough, she agreed.

“It’s better to keep the details under wraps until the very last second. Kyon, that’s rather clever of you. We can’t have people ripping us off.”

This idea isn’t exactly at the level of a Hollywood or Hong Kong film. Who would want a storyboard that’s still bubbling in your mind?

“So, Kyon, have the gun ready for use within the day. Filming starts tomorrow. You also need to learn how to use the camera. Ah, that’s right. You’ll need to move the video data from the camera to the computer and do the editing, so pirate the necessary software. Also…”

And once Haruhi had finished dumping a load of assignments on me, she left while humming the theme from The Great Escape.

Didn’t matter if she was in a good mood or a bad mood, she was always causing trouble for other people. Honestly.

Which was why I was currently face-to-face with another guy, Koizumi, struggling to make the model gun shoot BBs with reference to the instruction manual.

Once Asahina finished changing, she left with sagging shoulders. Nagato, still dressed like a witch invited to a Sabbath, went off somewhere without her bag. I guess Nagato had only come to show us her costume. Based on her record, there may have been some kind of significance in that action. Or she was just showing her face in the club room. She’s probably doing something in her classroom at this moment. Like practicing fortune-telling with a crystal ball or whatever.

I got the impression that the level of commotion in the school was slightly increasing on a day-to-day basis. Each time I heard the wind ensemble practicing after school, the crappy horns made fewer mistakes. There were also people cutting up veneer and balsa wood in the shadows of the courtyard. And a growing number of people were dressed in odd costumes like Nagato’s.

But this was just a festival at a plain old prefectural high school. I expected a cultural festival without anything extreme or out of the ordinary. As far as I could see, maybe half the student body hadn’t given up on working hard to make this a fun festival. Incidentally, our class, 1-5, had just given up on having fun, period. The ones who weren’t in a cultural club would probably be really bored that day. And here we had two people who could easily represent the go-straight-home-after-school club, Taniguchi and Kunikida.

“Speaking of cultural festivals…,” Taniguchi said.

It was lunchtime. These two-bit characters and I were surrounded by box lunches.

“Speaking of cultural festivals?” Kunikida shot back.

Taniguchi had a sickening smirk on his face that couldn’t hold a candle to the refined Koizumi smile. “It’s a super-event.”

“Don’t talk like Haruhi.”

Taniguchi’s smirk was abruptly wiped from his face. “But it’s got nothing to do with me. It pisses me off.”

“Why?” Kunikida asked.

“The sight of people having fun when I’m not really annoys me. Especially if it’s a boy-girl couple. Gives me homicidal urges. What? Got a problem with that?”

I suppose this is what you would call blind rage.

“And what’s with our class? A survey? Ha! Bo-ring. It’ll probably just involve asking people what their favorite color is, right? Where’s the fun in gathering that information?”

Then why didn’t you throw out your brilliant idea? That might have prevented Haruhi from mentioning anything about movies.

Taniguchi swallowed a lunch wiener in one gulp. “I never say anything that will give me work to do. Well, I might say something, but I don’t want to end up being put in charge of the mess.”

Kunikida voiced his agreement as he took a break from cutting his rolled omelet. “The only people who are going to raise their hands and open their mouths in this situation are those who are easily influenced or have a strong sense of responsibility. If only Asakura were still here.”

He threw out the name of our former classmate who had moved to Canada. I break into a cold sweat every time I hear her name. Nagato may have been the one who erased Asakura, but I was the reason it happened. Of course, if Nagato hadn’t done anything, I would have been erased, so there isn’t any point in feeling bad about it.

“Yeah, that was a waste,” Taniguchi said. “Just had to be my A-plus who transferred. I’m really down on my luck. She was the only good thing about being in this class. Damn. Wonder if they’ll let me change classes at this point.”

“Which class would you want?” Kunikida asked. “Nagato’s class? Oh, speaking of which, I saw her walking around in some kind of wizard getup yesterday. What’s up with that?”

Beats me. I sure don’t know.

“Nagato, huh…” Taniguchi turned to me with a look on his face like he’d just found out about a pop quiz in math. He sounded like he had just remembered something.

“When was that again? That time the two of you were all tangled up in the classroom. That was probably just something scripted by Suzumiya. Probably some kind of scheme to surprise me, right? Ain’t happening.”

I was feeling rather relieved that he’d arbitrarily misunderstood the whole affair… Wait, didn’t you come back to the classroom to get something you’d forgotten? How could we have possibly known that you would show up—but naturally, I didn’t voice this sentiment. Taniguchi was an idiot. Telling an idiot he was an idiot served no purpose. Good thing he was an idiot. I should be thankful.

“At any rate, this sure is boring,” Taniguchi lamented while Kunikida concentrated on his box lunch. I looked behind me. Haruhi’s desk was empty. Well now. I wondered where Haruhi was marching at that moment.

“I was looking for a good filming location around school,” Haruhi told me. “But I totally couldn’t find one. I suppose we won’t be able to shoot it around here after all. Let’s head out.”

Maybe she didn’t like the school atmosphere. But the fact that there wasn’t an exciting spot around was no reason to expend effort on an expedition in search of pizzazz. Apparently, her goal was to turn this into some kind of fiasco.

“Huh… A-am I going too?” Asahina voiced her query in a mournful tone.

“Of course. We can’t do anything without the star.”

“I-i-in these clothes?”

Asahina was balled up, trembling, in the waitress costume Haruhi brought yesterday.

“Yep, that’s right.” Haruhi nodded readily.

Asahina hugged herself with a reluctant look on her face.

“Isn’t it a pain to keep getting changed? Besides, there might not even be a place for you to change there. So you might as well just wear it the whole time, right? Right? Come on, let’s go! Everybody!”

“At least let me wear something over it….”

Asahina’s plea was met with…

“No.”

“But it’s so embarrassing.”

“It’s only embarrassing if you let yourself feel that way! You’ll never win a Golden Globe like that!”

Weren’t we trying to win first place in the cultural festival best-event poll?

All of the brigade members were assembled in the club room. Koizumi had apparently settled the issues with the script for his class’s play and was currently watching Haruhi and Asahina’s one-sided exchange. Nagato was also there. And there was a little problem involving Nagato.

“…”

She was always silent, so I didn’t really have any comments regarding that. But she was dressed rather oddly. For some reason, she was once again wearing the witch outfit she had shown us yesterday. You only need to wear it on the day of the festival. Why are you already on standby in the costume?

Haruhi was apparently quite pleased with Nagato’s black mantle and pointy hat.

“I’ll change your character to an evil alien magician!”

And she was already changing the script. Haruhi looked quite satisfied with Nagato holding the antenna-like pointer with what looked like a star off a Christmas tree attached to the tip. As I watched Nagato gripping the wand, I was finding it hard to argue against the closemouthed book lover being an extraterrestrial evil magician. Seemed to fit her character a lot more than being a terminal for data life forms. She definitely possessed magic-like powers. I’d seen it myself. No doubt about it.

Nagato unexpectedly raised the brim of her hat and looked at me with her usual lifeless eyes.

“…”

I doubted that it would be okay for Haruhi to arbitrarily use some other class’s costume in her movie, but her eyes were utterly devoid of hesitation.

“Kyon! Get the camera ready! Koizumi, you carry the stuff over there. Mikuru, why are you clinging to the desk? Come on, get a move on!”

Asahina’s feeble resistance lasted only a moment. Haruhi grabbed the weak waitress by the collar and dragged the squealing little girl to the door. Nagato followed with the hem of her mantle dragging on the floor. Koizumi was the last to disappear into the hallway after winking at me.

As I was wondering if I would have to go with them…

“Hey! We can’t go film a movie without the cameraman!”

Haruhi’s torso stuck through the open door. Her open mouth took up about half of her face as she shouted. I noticed that the band on Haruhi’s left arm now read Great Director, which only served to depress me.

Looks like she’s serious.

The self-proclaimed great director who had yet to film a movie led the way as the beautiful waitress followed with her eyes glued to the ground. The dark-clad witch trailed behind like a shadow. Koizumi carried the paper bag with an easy smile on his face. And I brought up the end, trying to put as much space as possible between me and the band of weirdos. We had already managed to become the center of attention while moving around campus, but this procession that resembled a Halloween party was doing a fine job of attracting interest off campus. Asahina, already the focus of much attention at school, was currently looking down twenty percent of the time, blushing thirty percent of the time, and dragging her feet like a robot fifty percent of the time.

Haruhi was cheerfully humming the melody of the Heaven and Hell theme like an impending disaster was on the horizon. No idea where they came from, but she was energetically carrying a yellow megaphone in her right hand and a director’s chair in her left, like Mongolian cavalry riding west across the plains. As I wondered where she was planning on making her assault, we arrived at the station. Haruhi bought tickets for all of us and handed them out. She then advanced toward the ticket gate with a prosaic look on her face.

“Wait.”

I objected in Asahina’s stead, seeing as how she had lost her ability to speak. I pointed to the miniskirted waitress drawing inquisitive glances from every direction and the vertically challenged girl dressed in black standing next to her like an attendant.

---

---

“You’re going to have them get on the train dressed like this?”

“Something wrong with that?” Haruhi replied, feigning innocence. “You might get arrested if you’re running around without anything on, but they’re fully dressed. Or what? Would you prefer the bunny-girl outfit? You should have told me earlier then. I wouldn’t mind changing it to ‘Combat Bunny (Tentative)’ if you’d like.”

Not sure you should be saying that after dragging her all the way here in a waitress outfit…. Anyway, didn’t you say that this was the concept for the movie? Not that I would know, but are you supposed to be able to change the concept just like that?

I worked my brain to try to get a glimpse of the feelings of the Creator.

“The most important thing is your ability to adapt to the situation. That’s how life on Earth was able to evolve. It’s adaptive selection. If you aren’t careful, you’ll end up eliminated through natural selection. You have to adapt properly!”

Adapt to what? If the environment had a mind of its own, I could see Haruhi being ejected out of the atmosphere.

Koizumi was just smiling and carrying stuff. Nagato was maintaining her silence as mentioned above. Asahina apparently lacked the strength to speak up. Which meant that everyone else was keeping their mouth shut.

I wish someone would do something.

Haruhi apparently took the silence to mean that everyone had been deeply impressed by her words.

“Come on, the train’s here. Walk fast, Mikuru. The real stuff’s yet to come.”

Like a police detective leading away a female perpetrator who had committed a murder for sympathetic reasons, she put her arm around Asahina’s shoulders and walked toward the ticket gate.

And we were there. We got off at the same station as the other day and headed for the same shopping district. I was beginning to have my suspicions when we really did stop in front of the same store as the other day. The electronics store where Haruhi had haggled for the video camera.

“We came as promised!” Haruhi shouted as she cheerfully walked in. The middle-aged guy appeared from the store interior and rested his eyes upon Asahina.

“Ho-ho.”

The guy stared at our lead actress with a grin on his face that could only be considered sexual harassment. Asahina was completely motionless, like a fighting-game character after using a super-move.

The guy continued speaking. “Is she the one from yesterday? I didn’t recognize her. Ho-ho. Then I’ll leave it to you.”

Leave what to us? I was in the process of reflexively moving forward to defend the quivering Asahina when Haruhi pushed me back.

“Okay. We’re going to have a meeting now, so listen up.”

And Haruhi made her announcement with the same smile she’d had right after winning the interclub relay.

“We will now begin shooting the commercial!”

“Th-this store… um… has a very friendly owner. And he’s a nice guy. This store has been around since when it was owned by the grandfather of the current owner, Eijirou. They carry everything from batteries to refrigerators. Um… Also, um…,” waitress Asahina forcedly recited in a deadpan voice with a twitching smile on her face. Nagato stood next to her holding a placard saying Ohmori Electronics as I watched the two of them through the video camera viewfinder.

Asahina had an impressively awkward smile on her face as she held a mike that wasn’t actually hooked up to anything.

Koizumi stood next to me holding up cue cards with a faint mocking smile on his face. The cue cards were just a sketchbook Haruhi had scribbled on a moment ago without giving it much thought. Koizumi was flipping through the pages as Asahina went through her lines.

We were in front of the store, still in the shopping district.

Haruhi leaned back in her director’s chair with her legs crossed as she watched Asahina’s acting with an intense look of concentration on her face.

“Okay, cut!”

She whacked the megaphone against her palm.

“There isn’t any emotion. I’m not sure why I can’t feel the vibes. It just, like, doesn’t have any oomph to it,” she said while biting her nails.

My reaction as I stopped the video camera was along the lines of “good grief.” Asahina also stopped with her hands clutching the mike. Nagato was stationary to begin with. Koizumi just smiled.

Behind us, people passing through the shopping district chattered curiously.

“Mikuru’s expression is too stiff. Your smile needs to be more natural. Think happy thoughts. Yeah, aren’t you feeling happy right now? You’ve been handpicked to be the star of the movie. You’re never going to experience anything happier in your life!”

I’d really like to tell her to go shove it.

If I had to summarize Haruhi’s conversation with the manager from yesterday, it would probably go something like this:

“I’ll stick a commercial for this store in the movie, so give me a video camera.”

“Sure.”

I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with the manager for going along with Haruhi’s sweet-talk, but there is definitely something seriously wrong with Haruhi if she’s planning on screening a homemade movie with commercials. I’ve never heard of a leading actress doing a commercial in the middle of a movie. Maybe if you casually sneak something in the background during a scene of the movie, but this is just a feature-length commercial.

“I got it!” Haruhi was shouting to herself.

Could you please stop having these revelations?

“It’s kind of odd for a waitress to be at an electronics store.”

Weren’t you the one who brought the costume?

“Koizumi, hand me that bag. The small one.”

Haruhi took the paper bag from Koizumi and grabbed the hand of Asahina, who was looking relieved. Then she barged into the store.

“Manager! Do you have a room in the back we can change in? Yeah, anywhere will do. The bathroom’s fine. Really? Then we’ll borrow your storeroom.”

She casually disappeared into the back of the store with Asahina in tow. It appeared that poor Asahina no longer even had the strength to resist. She obediently allowed herself to be dragged forward by Haruhi’s ridiculous strength. It might just have been that she was willing to do anything if it meant getting out of that costume.

The rest of us—Koizumi, Nagato, and I—stood around with nothing to do. Nagato in her black attire hadn’t stirred an inch from her position of holding up the placard. She just stared at the video camera. I’m amazed her arms weren’t tired.

Koizumi smiled at me.

“It would appear that I won’t be making much of an appearance in this film. You see, I’m actually also acting in our class play. It was decided by a class vote. Which means that I am currently struggling to memorize my lines. I would prefer a role in this film with a minimal number of lines…. Hey! Why don’t you have a go at the lead role?”

“In any case, Haruhi’s the one holding authority as far as casting goes. Direct your ideas to her.”

“Do you believe me capable of such an incredible task? I, a mere actor, could not possibly bring myself to speak to the producer who is also the director. After all, Suzumiya’s orders are absolute. I don’t even want to imagine the sort of chastisement she would deliver if I were to disobey her.”

Neither do I. Isn’t that why I’m being her cameraman? And I’m not even shooting a movie. Just a local commercial film for a private store. The concept of being a good neighbor only goes so far.

The usual frenzied scene was probably occurring in the back of the store right then. The scene of Haruhi stripping a resisting Asahina as she pleased. I didn’t know what costume she was putting her in, but she could just wear it herself. She could probably give Asahina a run for her money in the looks department. Did she never consider making herself the star of the movie?

“Sorry for the wait!”

Of the pair walking back out, Haruhi was naturally still in her uniform. The other person’s appearance triggered a slide show of images in my mind. Yeah, it’s already been six months. Time sure flies. A lot sure has happened in the past six months. Baseball, a remote island, and all kinds of stuff. They’re all such fond memories now… Like hell they are.

The nostalgic original Mikuru Asahina costume, which Haruhi also wore at the school front gate. The overly revealing costume that became the talk of the school and left Asahina emotionally scarred.

The perfectly flawless bunny girl with flushed cheeks and moist eyes stood wobbling next to Haruhi, bunny ears swaying.

“Yep, absolutely perfect. Guess a bunny girl really is best for promoting merchandise,” Haruhi said incomprehensibly as she looked Asahina up and down with a satisfied smile. Asahina seemed completely miserable, as if her spirit were escaping through her half-opened mouth.

“Come on, Mikuru. Do it over from the top. I’m assuming that you’ve learned your lines by now. Kyon, rewind it to the very beginning.”

At this rate, nobody’s going to be listening to anything being said. I’m positive that everyone will have their eyes glued to Asahina in her bunny outfit. I hope they don’t burn a hole in the screen.

“And take two!” Haruhi shouted with a smack of her megaphone.

The electronics store commercial featuring a half-crying, half-smiling Asahina being completely manipulated by Haruhi was finally finished. It was like watching a foreign wrestler being manipulated by an evil manager.

But then, remember that we’d visited another sponsor earlier. No need to remember, I guess. Haruhi had been planning on another commercial for that sponsor to begin with.

Haruhi was walking through the center of the shopping district as she dragged along the bunny Asahina, who was releasing cute little squeaks and squeals. Trailing behind her like a ghost was Nagato, trudging along expressionlessly in her witch getup. Koizumi and I followed in suit.

My blazer was wrapped around Asahina’s shoulders in a feeble attempt to comfort her. It might be making her stand out more, though. This world is full of people with strange tastes. Not that I’m interested in this kind of thing by any means.

We reached the second stop, the model shop, and went through a repetition of the earlier proceedings. With all eyes on her, Asahina turned her teary eyes to me—in other words, the camera—and spoke.

“Th-this model shop was apparently opened last year after Keiji Yamatsuchi, twenty-eight, escaped his life as a white-collar worker. It coincided with his hobby… so he just kinda went for it…. Sure enough, he hasn’t experienced the sales growth he’d like. Growth rate for this year’s first term is about eighty percent of what it was for last year’s first term. The sales line graph is moving down and right… apparently! Everyone be sure to stop by!”

The trembling of Asahina’s voice made it sound like she didn’t mean a thing she was saying. At any rate, did Yamatsuchi, the manager, even okay this little speech? I’d expect this to just depress him. Who would want to be judged like that by a high school student?

The bunny girl was pointing the assault rifle that had been forced into her hands in an upward direction.

“You mustn’t fire this at people. Settle for shooting empty cans or something!”

Nagato was standing behind her holding a placard that read Yamatsuchi Model Shop with an unreadable expression on her face. It was a surreal sight. Since Ryoko Asakura looked like a normal person with emotions, I assumed that not all alien-made artificial humans acted like robots. Was Nagato’s lack of emotion by design?

Asahina then proceeded to point the rifle at some empty cans on the ground and opened fire.

“Eek—! I’m pretty sure it’ll hurt a lot if you get hit. Eek—!”

She even performed a demonstration by fearfully discharging the weapon, riddling the aluminum cans into beehives, which caused a stir among the peanut gallery. Her accuracy was only around ten percent though.

I was feeling pretty guilty about recording this kind of a scene onto a DV cassette tape. I felt like I should apologize to both Asahina and the person who’d developed this technology. He sure didn’t invent the video camera to record this crap.

And so we were done for the day once the stupid commercials were finished.

We returned to the school momentarily and lounged around the club room while Haruhi informed us of the schedule for the next stage of filming.

“Tomorrow’s Saturday and we have the day off, so we’re meeting up in the morning. Be in front of Kitaguchi station at nine. Got it?”

Incidentally, the commercials already ate up fifteen minutes of time. How long would the actual film be? If you screened some three-hour-long epic at a cultural festival, nobody would stick around to the very end. I doubt there’d be much of a turnout either.

I mulled this over in my mind as I watched a discouraged-looking Asahina. She’d been in a waitress outfit for the trip there, and then she’d been forced to wear her bunny-girl outfit on the train for the ride back before finally being allowed to change back into her uniform. She lifelessly collapsed onto the floor. At this rate, we’ll have to watch out for the lead actress falling asleep during filming.

I finished off the tea Koizumi had brewed in place of the exhausted Asahina.

“Hey, Haruhi. Can’t we do something about Asahina’s outfit? There’s gotta be something that looks more like something she could actually fight in. Like a combat uniform or camouflage fatigues?” I asked.

Haruhi waved the star-adorned antenna pointer in a reproachful fashion.

“That would kill the surprise when she starts fighting. A waitress doing the fighting gets you the wow factor. Grabbing the audience’s attention is key. It’s all about concept. Concept!”

Does she even know what “concept” means? I could only sigh.

“Yeah… I guess that works, but what’s the point in making her come from the future? Would it really matter if she wasn’t a time traveler?”

Asahina’s shoulders gave a violent shudder where she sprawled. Haruhi didn’t even notice or miss a step.

“We can work that all out later on. Just have to come up with an answer when someone brings it up.”

Didn’t I just bring it up? Give me an answer.

“If you can’t come up with an answer, just ignore them! Not like it even matters. It just has to be entertaining!”

“If it’s entertaining, sure. And what are the chances that this film you’re making will be entertaining? There’s no point in filming something that only entertains the director. Are you aiming for a Golden Raspberry nomination in the amateur category?”

“What’s that? I’m only after one thing. First place in the cultural festival best-event poll! And if possible, a Golden Globe. Which is why we need Mikuru to dress appropriately or else people will complain!”

I doubted anybody was going to complain. At any rate, from the look on Haruhi’s face, it would seem that the film that had left her enraged had obviously managed to win a Golden Globe at some point in time.

I sighed again and looked to my side. Clad in black, Nagato had parked herself in a corner of the room to engage in her usual reading. Yeah, is she going to die if she doesn’t read when she’s in this room or something?

“Wait.”

I realized something as I watched the book-loving alien.

“Hey, we haven’t gotten the script yet.”

Actually, we don’t even know what the story is yet. All we know is that Asahina is a waitress from the future, Koizumi is a boy esper, and Nagato is an evil alien mage.

“Don’t worry.”

I had no idea what Haruhi was trying to do, but she suddenly closed her eyes and thrust the tip of the star-adorned pointer at her temple.

“Everything’s in here. The script and storyboard are all worked out. You don’t have to do any thinking at all. I’ll plan out the camera work for you.”

Strong words. You’re the one who should refrain from thinking and just mindlessly stare out the window. If you had a more reasonable expression on your face, you could trade places with Asahina.

“Tomorrow’s the day. Tomorrow! Everyone get psyched up. The first step to winning glory is spiritual fortitude. That’s the fastest way to obtaining victory without spending money. Once your soul breaks free of its worldly bonds, latent abilities you never knew about will awaken and release incredible power. That’s right!”

Well, I can see that happening when the course of a battle is reversed through some unexpected turn of events in one of those fighting comics, but I’m pretty sure that no matter how much you talk about spiritual fortitude and nationalism, we’re a long way from witnessing the Japanese soccer team win the World Cup.

“Then that’s it for today! Look forward to tomorrow! Kyon, don’t forget about the camera, props, costumes, and other stuff. Make sure you’re on time!”

And with that said, Haruhi departed, swinging her bag heroically. As I listened to the Rocky theme fade off into the hallway, I bitterly glared at the pile of crap. I wondered which guild I was supposed to report this director’s oppression to.

Fact of the matter is, our school life up until this day had consisted of ordinary everyday happenings, with the exception of Haruhi’s abnormal passion for filmmaking being on the excessive side. If you went through every single school in the country, you could probably find another group of people doing something similar. Or to put it simply, this was “normal.”

No attacks by Nagato’s kind. No time traveling with Asahina. No glowing blue mold-like giants showing up. No murders leading to delayed revelations.

This was totally normal school life.

As the countdown to the approaching cultural festival progressed, Haruhi was on a high, riding a steady stream of adrenaline and racing like a pet hamster getting whipped into running Mach 1 on a wheel.

In other words, business as usual.

—Until this day, that is.

In retrospect, I’d have to say that Haruhi was still holding back. I realized that we had yet to shoot a single frame of the movie. The only footage recorded on the digital videotape was of bunny-girl Asahina promoting the electronics store and plastic model shop in the local shopping district, which only served to get sponsors. Not a glimmer of light had been shed on the film that would be produced, directed, and supervised by Haruhi. We didn’t even know the story line yet.

I guess we would have been better off not knowing.

I could have lived with a video of Asahina reporting on the local shopping district. Actually, wouldn’t that bring in a bigger audience? It’d also promote the local area. That’d be killing two birds with one stone. Yeah, why don’t we just turn it into a Mikuru Asahina promotional video. That’d make me a lot happier. Considering that’s my true motive as the cameraman.

Still, I knew that Haruhi would never be satisfied by that. She always carried through on her word. If she said she was gonna do it, she’d do it. She never gave up halfway through. A troublesome case of keeping one’s word.

And so, beginning the following day, we would once again find ourselves caught up in some bizarre business. Yeah, seriously. I’m at a loss for words. What was it that Haruhi said again?

Once your soul breaks free of its worldly bonds, latent abilities you never knew about will awaken and release incredible power—or something like that.

I see.

Haruhi?

Why did you have to be the one to one to experience that awakening?

And without you even realizing it.