CHAPTER 5

It was Monday morning. Less than a week was left before the cultural festival, yet the atmosphere in our school was as relaxed as ever. Does this school really intend to hold a cultural festival? Shouldn’t there be more activity? Everyone seems a little too laid-back. I was feeling pretty lousy as a result. And as I walked to the classroom, I came across something that made me feel even worse.

Koizumi was leaning against the wall in front of my classroom. You still have something to say after all that talking yesterday?

“Class 1-9 held play rehearsal early this morning. I just happened to be passing by.”

I’d rather not have to see your smirking face this early in the morning.

“What is it? Don’t tell me that stupid space ended up showing up again.”

“No. It never appeared yesterday. It seems that Suzumiya is too busy feeling depressed to feel irritated.”

“Why’s that?”

“You should know the answer…. But allow me to explain. Suzumiya believed that you were the only one who would always be on her side, no matter what happened. You might complain and protest, but you would support her in the end. No matter what she did, you would still forgive her. Right?”

What do you mean, “right”? The only person capable of forgiving everything she does would be one of those ancient martyred saints. And just so you know, I’m neither a saint nor a great person. Just an ordinary, sensible individual.

“Did anything happen with Suzumiya?”

Like I’d let anything happen. Nothing’s changed.

“Could you tell her to cheer up? White doves are relatively harmless. But if Suzumiya’s mood continues to deteriorate, the doves at the shrine may be replaced by something that isn’t very dove-like.”

“Like what?”

“This wouldn’t be so hard if we knew the answer to that. Would it not be fairly creepy if a swarm of slimy tentacle creatures were crawling around the shrine?”

“Just spread some salt around.”

“That wouldn’t solve the fundamental problem. Suzumiya is currently in a state of suspension. Thus far, she had been proactively altering reality through filming the movie. But after your incident yesterday, she’s gone off on an opposite tangent. From positive to negative. There wouldn’t be an issue if that were the end of it, but at this rate, things will get much worse.”

“So. You want me to comfort her?”

“It’s not that complicated. Simply kiss and make up.”

“How does that even make sense? We’re not even close or anything.”

“Well. I expected you to have cooled down by now. Was I expecting too much?”

I kept my mouth shut.

I lost my cool yesterday because the goodness of my heart couldn’t bear watching the tyrannical abuse of Asahina—or maybe not. Maybe it was just a result of calcium deficiency. Since after drinking a whole liter of milk last night, I woke up this morning to discover my rage had mysteriously evaporated. Though it could just be a placebo effect.

Still, why should I have to be the one to compromise? I’m pretty sure that everyone would agree that she was the one who went too far.

Koizumi was chuckling like a cat hacking up a hairball as he clapped my shoulder.

“I’m counting on you. Since as far as physical distance is concerned, you’re the closest one to her.”

As long as I never turned around, Haruhi, sitting right behind me, and I would never make eye contact. She appeared really interested in the weather today as she just sat there staring out the window until it was lunchtime.

On top of that, there must have been an epidemic or something because Taniguchi was in a bad mood as well.

“How was that a movie? Yesterday was such a waste of time.”

Taniguchi cursed as he ate his box lunch. Haruhi was rarely ever in the classroom during breaks, and this was no exception. If she were here, this guy wouldn’t be saying stuff like that. Timid people tend to speak loudly when the coast is clear.

“We’re talking about Suzumiya here. This movie or whatever will just end up being trash. That’s obvious.”

I don’t care what anyone else has to say. I don’t consider myself to be a remarkable person and I don’t see my name going down in history. I’m the kind of person who sits in a corner mumbling to himself. The kind who specializes in complaining about his mother’s cooking when he can’t even cook.

However, there was something I had to get off of my chest, so I did.

“You’re the last person who should be saying that.

“Taniguchi, what have you been doing? At least Haruhi is trying to participate in the cultural festival. Even if she ends up causing trouble for a bunch of people, that still makes her better than someone who does nothing besides complain. Idiot. Apologize to all the Taniguchis in this country. It must be unpleasant for the other Taniguchis to have the same name as you.”

“Now, now, Kyon.”

Kunikida came between us. “He’s just sulking. He really wanted to have more fun with Suzumiya and everyone else. He’s jealous of you.”

“Like hell I am,” Taniguchi retorted as he glared at Kunikida. “I have no intention of joining that stupid group.”

“Even though you tag along whenever you’re invited? You were happy about it yesterday. You even canceled your plans for the day.”

“Don’t mention that, stupid.”

So that’s why Taniguchi’s in a bad mood. He skipped his original plans to come yet he was sent packing after barely having any screen time. Plus he fell into the pond. I see. He deserves some sympathy. Although I’m not in the mood to offer any, seeing as how I’m pretty pissed myself.

I already knew that Haruhi’s movie was so bad, it was unfit for viewing. She’s just winging it full-speed as usual without any planning or thinking. Whatever she happens to want to film at that moment is what we film. No transition or direction. If all of this produced an amazing movie, that would be the work of a genius, and as far as I can see Haruhi doesn’t have any talent as a director. Still, when other people start pointing that out to me—well, as for why it pisses me off…

“What’s wrong, Kyon? Suzumiya seems to be in a worse mood than usual today. Did something happen?”

I did some thinking as I listened to Kunikida’s voice.

I was no different from Taniguchi. I would do what Haruhi told me to do and then bitch about it. I could apply what I felt about him to myself. I had gotten fed up with griping about every little thing Haruhi did… but it’s my duty. A job only I can do. Not because I don’t want to let someone else do it, but because that’s just how it is.

Food doesn’t taste very good when you’re eating while irritated. Now I feel bad about my mom making it for me. Damn that pukehead Taniguchi! It’s all because you had to open your mouth. Now I feel like doing something I’ll probably regret in the distant future.

What did I do?

I replaced the cover on my box lunch and dashed out of the classroom.

Haruhi was in the literary club room hooking the video camera up to the computer or something, but once she saw me suddenly open the door, she looked up in surprise. Was that curry bread in her left hand?

She hastily tossed her bread aside and reached behind her head to touch her hair—or so I thought, but then she untied her hair. Not sure why, but apparently she was in a rush to untie the clump of hair at the back of her head. I didn’t get a good look, so I’ll just think about it later. I said the words I needed to say right then.

“Hey, Haruhi.”

“What is it?”

Haruhi had a look on her face like that of a cat ready for combat. I said straight to that face:

“Let’s absolutely make this film a success.”

It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Even I may experience a high once or twice a year. That’s probably why I snapped yesterday. It was just bad timing. And then today, the combination of Koizumi’s strange conversation, Taniguchi’s dumb face, and Haruhi looking depressed got me all agitated. If I hadn’t done something about these pent-up urges, I might have started walking around smashing classroom windows, so I released it here instead. Why am I making excuses?

“Hmm,” Haruhi said before continuing. “Of course. I’m the director after all. Success is guaranteed. I don’t need you to tell me that.”

So simple-minded. I was kind of expecting her to react in a somewhat laudable manner, but her eyes, shining brightly for reasons unknown, had been reignited with the flames of confidence. Way too simple. About as annoying as a mid-boss that keeps casting high-level healing spells on itself, but I didn’t really care. The important thing is balance. A game where you just send a bunch of weak guys beyond in one blow and it’s over… what was it again, that’s it, doesn’t have a catharsis. Not that I actually know what that means. Or it didn’t mean anything to begin with. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to see a cheerless Haruhi because it just weirds me out. Her mind is meant to always be engaged in a thousand-meter dash with no meaning, purpose, or destination. Since it seems that if she stops for some weird reason, she unconsciously causes even more random trouble. That’s all.

… At least, that’s what I believed at the time.

After school the same day.

“Couldn’t you have worded that in a different way?” Koizumi asked.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“When I asked you to cheer her up, I was expecting something with less… potential to create harm.”

“… Sorry.”

“Instead of restoring the situation, you seem to have escalated it.”

“…”

“We won’t be able to conceal everything at this rate.”

Koizumi looked at me with gentle eyes as I reflected upon my actions. He didn’t blame me, though I could sense a tone of distress in his voice. Guess that makes sense. The situation’s definitely gotten worse, and it’s apparently my fault.

Why is that? Hell if I know.

The cherry blossoms were in full bloom. We were walking down a cherry tree–lined path along the river. This was the riverwalk where Asahina had revealed her identity to me. Just to make sure, it’s fall right now. Even if lingering traces of summer heat remain, Yoshino cherry trees bloom in spring. I don’t have a problem if they start blooming early, but not six months early. There’s no reason for cherry trees to tag along with the sun in going overboard.

Standing within the dancing cherry blossoms, Haruhi was the only one in full gear. Asahina, in her tight waitress outfit, was tottering around nervously. Probably because of all the out-of-season cherry blossom–watchers around.

“How convenient! I was just thinking about how I’d like a shot with cherry blossoms. This abnormal weather has perfect timing!” Haruhi exclaimed, sending spit flying, as she forced Asahina to strike random poses.

Guess it’s no good. When humans act on a moment’s impulse, it’ll always come back to haunt them. It feels like I’ve been repeatedly learning this lesson over the past six months. A very negative lesson where I went “Shouldn’t have done that,” instead of “If only I had done that.” Someone lend me a gun. And I don’t mean a model gun.

It appears that the buds on the cherry trees began sprouting around noon, and by evening they were in full bloom. The local news station even sent down a crew to report on this unusual autumn occurrence. I wish they’d just assume that this happens every once in a while. The strange global climate in the past few years would be the underlying cause. Just leave it at that, okay?

“That what Suzumiya appears to believe,” Koizumi, who had been walking next to Asahina down by the riverbank just a moment ago, remarked. The shot of Koizumi, who merely looked good, and Asahina, who was purely good, next to each other was incredibly well suited for pissing off every single male on the planet. It left me with an unpleasant feeling.

Nagato had nothing to say about the cherry blossoms and no expression on her face either. She simply stared at the blossoms with their whacked-out internal clock. The sight of pink petals on her black mantle created a slight contrast effect. Wonder if she knows about the white doves.

“That’s it! Let’s catch a cat!” Haruhi said out of the blue. “Witches have familiars. And cats are the best fit! Is there a black cat around anywhere? One with glossy fur.”

“Hold on. Wasn’t Nagato’s initial setting an evil alien?”

“Just find a cat! That’s the image I have in my mind right now. Where’s a good place to find a cat?”

“Probably a pet store.”

Oddly enough, Haruhi responded to my slapdash remark with a compromise.

“A stray cat works. It’d be a pain to try to borrow one that’s for sale or has an owner. Shouldn’t we be able to find a whole bunch lying around on some vacant piece of land? Yuki, do you know?”

“I know.”

Nagato nodded her head ever so slightly before she started walking off like a religious leader guiding us to the Promised Land. I guess there isn’t anything Nagato doesn’t know. If I ask her where the coin purse I dropped five years ago went, she might give me an answer. My entire life savings at the time, five hundred yen, was inside, I believe.

After fifteen minutes of walking, we arrived behind the fancy apartment building where Nagato lived by herself. There was a well-maintained lawn shaded by trees that blocked the view from outside. A number of cats were gathered there. They appeared to be strays, but none of them appeared to be afraid of people, seeing as how none of them ran away when we approached. They even started following us around. Maybe they were expecting to be fed. Haruhi picked one of the cats up.

“There aren’t any black cats here. We’ll just go with this one then.”

It was a calico, and a male one to boot. But Haruhi apparently had no idea how rare that was and showed no surprise at the result from her random sampling.

“Okay, Yuki. This is your partner. Get along now.”

Nagato silently accepted the calico cat Haruhi was holding up. She showed as much emotion as if she were accepting a tissue. The cat didn’t show any emotion either.

We promptly began filming on the spot again. We were still behind the apartment building. I didn’t think she really cared about location anymore. My video camera was filled with a bunch of erratic, spur-of-the-moment cuts. It better not be my job to edit this all into a single story.

“Yuki, attack Mikuru!”

Nagato nodded in response to Haruhi’s orders, in an awkward stance. A black-garbed mage with a cat riding on her left shoulder. The cat obviously looked too heavy to ride there. It helped that the calico was obediently clinging to Nagato, but Nagato had to tilt not just her neck, but her whole body, to keep her balance and prevent the cat from falling off. And while maintaining that unnatural posture, she waved her wand at Asahina.

“Take this.”

I’m guessing that magical rays will be shooting out of Nagato’s wand for this scene.

“… Ahh—”

Asahina’s agonized acting.

“Okay, cut!” Haruhi yelled in a satisfied tone as I stopped recording. Koizumi lowered the reflector board.

“We’ll make it so that the cat talks. He’s supposed to be a mage’s familiar. He can deliver a sarcastic insult or something.”

Unbelievable.

“Your name is Shamisen. Come on, Shamisen, say something!”

Like he’s going to start talking. Or yeah, please don’t start talking.

Perhaps my prayer was heard, because the calico cat with the ominous name Shamisen did not suddenly start speak Japanese. Instead, it started grooming its tail, completely ignoring Haruhi’s order. The natural reaction, but it still left me feeling relieved.

“Looking good.”

Haruhi smiled with satisfaction as she checked the film we’d shot today. Hard to believe she was looking depressed just this morning. Being able to move on quickly is a good thing. That, alone, I can admire her for.

“Kyon, you’re responsible for taking care of that cat.”

She delivered the absurd command to me as she folded up her director’s chair.

“Give him a warm reception when you get home. We’ll need him for future filming, so do a proper job of taming him. Teach him a trick or two by tomorrow. Yeah, like jumping through a ring of fire or something.”

I’d have to say that being able to sit still on Nagato’s shoulder puts him in the high-performing category of cats.

“That’s all for today. We’ll be headed into the final stage tomorrow! The filming is smoothly approaching the climax and everybody’s in perfect shape! Make sure you get plenty of rest for tomorrow.”

After Haruhi dismissed us with a wave of the megaphone, she left by herself, humming the ending theme from Blade Runner.

“Whew—”

Asahina and I sighed in unison. As for the other two, Koizumi had the reflector board under his arm as he prepared to go home, and Nagato was looking at Shamisen the way you look at a ballpoint pen with no ink.

I crouched down and petted the calico on his head.

“Good work. I’ll treat you to a can of cat food later. Or would you prefer dried sardines?”

“Either’s fine with me.”

Spoken in a clear baritone voice. It didn’t belong to anyone there. I looked at the gaping faces of Koizumi and Asahina before turning to Nagato’s blank face. All three were staring at the same spot. My feet.

A calico cat sat there looking up at me with round, black eyes.

“Hey, now,” I said. “Was that Nagato just now? I wasn’t talking to you. I was asking the cat.”

“That was my belief. Which is why I responded. Did I say something wrong?”

The cat spoke.

“What a quandary.”

That was Koizumi talking.

“I’m shocked. A talking cat…”

That was Asahina.

“…”

Nagato remained silent as she stood holding Shamisen. As for Shamisen himself…

“I cannot fathom why you people are so surprised.”

He was talking as he clung to Nagato’s shoulder.

“Must be something along the lines of a cat-demon-type creature. Don’t they say that this is what happens after they’ve lived so many years?”

“I do not know the answer. I place no value in having a sense of time. I have no interest in differentiating between the present and past.”

A cat talking is already weird enough, but he’s sounding like an academic. Pretty cheeky for something with paws. Where’s the nearest shamisen shop? Is it in the Yellow Pages?

“Indeed, from your perspective, it may appear that I am emitting sounds that resemble human speech. However, parrots and parakeets are capable of doing the same. How can you be sure that the sounds I emit are meant to express the meaning of the words you hear?”

What’s he talking about?

“It’s, yeah, because you’re answering my questions.”

“Is it not possible that the sounds I am emitting simply conform by coincidence to the conditions of a response to your question?”

“If you accept that, wouldn’t that mean fellow human beings could be talking without actually holding a conversation?”

Why am I having a serious discussion with a cat?

The stray calico Shamisen licked his front paw and scratched under his ear. “You are absolutely correct. You and the young lady over there could engage in actions that would make it appear as though you were holding a conversation, but nobody would have any way of knowing whether or not accurate communication occurred,” Shamisen said in an oddly rough voice.

“Since people may or may not say what they really mean in different situations,” said Koizumi.

You keep your mouth shut.

“When you put it that way, it does… make sense,” said Asahina.

Sorry, but could you also keep your mouth shut?

After examining the cats on the lawn one by one, we learned that every one besides Shamisen could only meow. Apparently, this calico cat was the only one to benefit from a sudden ability to speak a human language. Why was that?

It’s that idiot’s fault.

“The current situation does not look very encouraging,” Koizumi offered as he elegantly carried his mug to his lips. “We appear to have underestimated Suzumiya.”

“What do you mean?” asked Asahina in a hushed voice.

---

---

“I fear that the setting within Suzumiya’s movie is becoming the conventional reality of this world. Events transpiring within her movie are becoming reality. At this rate, they will become a normal sight in our world. Like Asahina shooting lasers or cats talking. If she wishes to shoot a scene with a giant meteorite falling, it may really happen.”

The four SOS Brigade members sans Haruhi were gathered in the café in front of the station. Koizumi proposed the establishment of an emergency joint headquarters for the purpose of dealing with Haruhi, and the rest of us agreed. It would appear that the situation was seriously deteriorating at a rapid pace. On the outside, we would have looked like a group of high-schoolers merrily engaged in idle chat (except that Koizumi was the only one smiling), but our meeting was about as suspicious as the evil ringleaders in a tokusatsu getting together to discuss how to seal away the good guys’ special attacks. I should mention that Shamisen was waiting outside by some shrubbery after being instructed not to talk or respond to anybody. The cat simply said “Very well” without any sign of displeasure as he obediently hid under the shade of an evergreen tree by the road and watched us go.

“What will happen…”

Asahina looked remarkably solemn. The poor thing looked especially worn out. She was the one who’d suffered the most as a result of Haruhi’s movie. There was no change in Nagato’s default blank expression. And she was still dressed in black.

Koizumi spoke as he sipped his café au lait.

“If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it would be that it is a bad idea to leave Suzumiya alone to do as she pleases.”

“We don’t need you to tell us that.”

I downed my glass of water in one go. I’d already finished the apple tea I’d ordered.

“Isn’t that why we’re trying to solve the problem of how to stop Haruhi?”

“That’s easy to say, but who could possibly cancel the production of this movie at this point? At the very least, I do not believe I would have a chance.”

Neither do I.

Once Haruhi’s engine is running, she’s going to keep on going until it’s turned off. Maybe she’s related to those fish that die if they stop swimming. Maybe we could trace her family tree and find tuna or bonito among her ancestors.

Nagato silently drank her cinnamon tea looking like she wasn’t thinking about anything at all. Maybe she really isn’t thinking about anything at all. Or maybe it’s because she already knows everything so she doesn’t need to think. Or she’s just a poor talker. After six months, I still have no idea what she’s ever thinking about.

“Nagato, what do you think? Any opinion?”

“…”

Nagato soundlessly returned her cup to the saucer and smoothly turned to look at me.

“Unlike the previous incident, Haruhi Suzumiya has not disappeared from this world.”

Her voice sounded like it was freeze-dried.

“The Data Overmind has determined that is sufficient.”

Koizumi gracefully placed a hand on his forehead.

“But this is a problem for us.”

“There is no problem for us. Rather, we welcome the outbreak of change in our subject of observation.”

“Really?”

Koizumi quickly gave up on Nagato and turned back to me.

“Then we need to decide what genre Suzumiya’s movie will fall under.”

Well, it looks like he’s going to stop making sense again.

“The makeup of a story can be roughly assigned to one of three classifications. One that takes place within the framework of the story, one that destroys the framework and creates a new framework, or one that destroys the framework and restores it again.”

And he’s making a speech or something. Huh? What’s this guy talking about? That would be the general reaction from the audience. Asahina, you shouldn’t be listening to him so earnestly.

“Incidentally, we exist within the framework, so we can only learn about this world through logically thought-out conjecture or observational perception.”

You keep mentioning framework. What do you even mean by that?

“For example, let us consider the ‘reality’ we exist in. I am speaking of the world we live in. On the other hand, the movie Suzumiya is producing would be considered fiction.”

No kidding.

“The perceived problem is that events within fiction are having an effect on ‘reality.’ ”

Miracle Mikuru Eye, doves, cherry blossoms, cat…

“We must guard against the infringement of fiction into reality.”

Koizumi always looked so cheerful when he talked about stuff like this. His sunny face was practically beaming. I resisted by having a gloomy expression on my face.

“Suzumiya’s strange powers are being actualized by using the production of this film as a filter. To guard against that, we must make Suzumiya understand that fiction is just fiction. Since at the moment, she has managed to unconsciously blur the distinction.”

She must really be on a roll.

“We need to use a logical process to prove that fictional events are not real. We must shape this movie into a rational, calm affair.”

“How are we supposed to justify a cat talking?”

“We won’t be justifying anything. That would merely lead to the construction of a world where cats talk. In our ‘reality,’ cats do not talk. We must emphasize that there is something wrong with a talking cat. Because a world where cats can talk cannot possibly be a part of our world.”

“But it’s okay for aliens, time travelers, and espers?”

“Yes, of course. Because they already do exist. That is considered normal in our world. There just happens to be a condition that Suzumiya must not know about it.”

Really?

“Let us pretend that there is an entity watching our world from afar. As far as this effeminate creature is concerned, the ‘real’ world would be, as you mentioned, one free of any paranormal or supernatural phenomena—a world where aliens, time travelers, and espers do not exist—which means that our current ‘reality’ would be viewed as a fictional world.”

So that’s the identity of your God, huh?

“However, that would be the perspective from the outside. You are already aware of the supernatural beings—such as myself and Nagato—that exist in this world. And in order to live in this world, you must accept reality from within the framework. Your concept of reality has changed in the past year.”

“I might have been better off not knowing.”

“Are you sure about that? Well, one thing is certain. Suzumiya’s current condition is similar to your prior one. In other words, her perception of reality has not yet changed. While she may say differently, deep down she does not believe in the existence of supernatural beings. She personally witnessed closed space and Celestials yet she believes that incident to be a dream. Dreams are fictional. Which is why this ‘reality’ still remains our reality.”

Which means what?

“Yes, which is why if fiction continues becoming reality, Suzumiya will recognize it as ‘reality’ and talking cats will become accepted as a part of ‘reality.’ It’s considered weird for a cat to talk, so the realization of talking cats would require the reconstruction of this world. Suzumiya would create a world where talking cats would not be considered strange. It would most likely not be a world out of science fiction. Based on her pattern of thinking, she would probably find that too much trouble. The world would simply fall under the laws of fantasy. Talking cats exist. That’s all that needs to be said. No need for any excuses as to why cats can talk. Because cats will have become talking animals to begin with.”

Koizumi set down his mug and rubbed the ceramic edge with his finger.

“That would be a problem. The principles our world was built on would be turned upside down. I happen to respect what the human race has accomplished through observation and experimentation. On top of that, nobody has ever observed a cat spontaneously talking without any outside influence, which means that nobody would expect it to happen. It would be regarded as a bizarre anomaly in this world.”

“What about you guys? Couldn’t you say the same thing about espers?”

“Yes, that is why we would be considered deviations that disturb the established laws of the world. We exist because of Suzumiya. Which means that the same can be said for this talking cat. An existence derived by Suzumiya for the purpose of appearing in the movie. It would appear that a link is attempting to form between the contents of Suzumiya’s movie and the real world. At least, that’s what we’ve learned.”

“So now we know. Anything we can do about it?”

“First of all, we must decide on a genre for the movie.”

I seriously want to tell him to cut the crap already. Sure, you may enjoy delivering pretentious long speeches, but try to consider how your audience might feel. This is about as bad as an address from the principal at a morning assembly. See, Asahina’s been looking kind of gloomy for a while now.

However, Koizumi apparently hadn’t done enough talking.

“If this were a fantasy world, cats talking, Asahina shooting beams from her eyes, and other such phenomena would require no explanation. Because in such a world, that would be how it always has been.”

I looked outside the window and made sure Shamisen was still there.

“However, if there were a reason for talking cats and Mikuru Beams to exist, that in itself would make this a different world. Cats were talking and Asahina was shooting beams in reality, but we weren’t aware of it. Their existence would be proven through observation. But in that instance, our world would be altered. From a world without supernatural phenomena to a world that includes supernatural phenomena. The real world as we knew it would become a falsity.”

I sighed. It didn’t look like he was ever going to stop talking.

“So basically, if cats can talk, there is a reason why cats can talk. Is that what you’re trying to say? But in that case, what about you, Nagato, and Asahina? Wouldn’t you and the girls be classified as supernatural phenomena?”

“From your perspective perhaps. It is a self-evident truth. From your perspective, the world has already changed. Your perception of the world has changed since you entered high school, has it not? You are already aware of the existence of beings like us, are you not?”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“Let us return to topic of the film. At this point, what Suzumiya is attempting to make would probably be classified as fantasy. Within the movie, the cat talks and Asahina and Nagato use magical powers without any explanation. That’s just how it works. That’s enough.”

“So we just have to give the cat-demon, time-traveling waitress, and evil mage a reason to exist?”

“But it isn’t so simple. In fact, things would worsen if we did give them a reason to exist. If an observer were to recognize the change within the world of the story between the start and end, it would be the same as accepting their existence. The world would change so that talking cats would be allowed to exist. I can’t say that I would welcome the addition of further complications to this world.”

Neither would I. Only Nagato’s people wouldn’t mind.

“I mentioned earlier that we needed to decide on a genre. I would like to offer the name of a genre at this point. This genre has the potential to disassemble all of the puzzles and supernatural phenomena with rational explanation and return this distorted world to its original state. The only genre where the world is restored at the end to its starting condition and all enigmatic phenomena are eliminated through rational means.”

“What’s that?”

“Mystery. Especially classic mystery. If you utilize the methods of this genre, phenomena that were hard to believe will become just that, phenomena that were hard to believe, without any need for bringing out supernatural elements. Talking cats and Asahina’s killer beams could be explained as being the result of some sort of trick. Our reality would remain unchanged.”

The café waitress came to take our cups, purposely ignoring Asahina the whole time. Once she left, Koizumi continued.

“A cat that can speak a human language obviously goes against the common sense of this world. Nevertheless, a talking cat exists here. Something that should not exist does exist. That is excruciatingly inconvenient for our world.”

He flicked a drop of condensation on his glass.

“To resolve this situation, we must devise a rational ending for the movie. A conclusion that addresses the presence of talking cats, time travelers, and alien mages and can be accepted by everybody—more importantly, Suzumiya—in a logical manner.”

“Does such a thing exist?”

“It does. A conclusion that can transform every illogical occurrence into a something ordinary in a relatively simple manner.”

“Name it.”

“It was all just a dream.”

“…”

Silence fell. Upon all of us. Eventually, Koizumi spoke.

“That wasn’t intended as a joke…”

I directed a scornful look at the gentleman twisting a forelock of hair around his fingers.

“You think Haruhi will accept that? Lies and truths aside, she’s pretty serious about winning that award. And you want to say it was all just a dream? I’m pretty sure she’s not dumb enough to want to make such a retarded movie.”

“How she feels is not relevant. This resolution was determined by our needs. Deeming that everything that happened within the movie was a dream, lie, or mistake is the best way to settle the matter.”

For you maybe. It might be better for me too. But what about Haruhi? She may have already thought up a spectacular, at least in her mind, last scene to use for an ending.

Besides, I don’t want to touch the subject of dreams again. The same goes for your boring, arbitrary expositions.

I stopped by a general store on the way home. I bought the cheapest litter box and a can of cat food that was on sale. I also asked for a receipt, just in case. Shamisen was washing his face with his paws as he waited. I walked off. The cat followed.

“Okay. Don’t say a single word at home. Behave like a cat.”

“I do not understand what you mean when you say to behave like a cat, but I shall do as you request.”

“Don’t talk. Always respond with meow.”

“Meow.”

Upon seeing me arrive home with a stray cat, my sister’s and mother’s eyes grew wide. I gave a made-up explanation that “his owner’s an acquaintance who went on a trip so I have to take care of him for a week” and received their ready consent. My sister was especially happy and began petting Shamisen all over. The cat-demon responded by obediently repeating the sound “meow.” Guess that’s not very cat-like either.

The night safely passed. I had to go to school again in the morning. I was worried about leaving Shamisen alone so I brought him along. As I urged him to get into the duffel bag, Shamisen responded, “Very well then, I suppose,” in an arrogant tone before entering. I let him out by the school gate.

Only a few days remained before the cultural festival, and the atmosphere of chaos at our school had been steadily growing, as though it were linked with Haruhi’s fervor. It made me wonder what the lack of energy up till yesterday had been about.

It was early in the morning, and I could already hear noisemakers and singing. There were also people around making signs and billboards. There was even a group of people wandering around in weird costumes that made you wonder what they were even planning on doing. As things stood, a slider or two could join in without feeling out of place. The only people without any motivation were the members of 1-5 probably. Maybe Haruhi sucked all the motivation out of the class.

I entered the classroom to find that Haruhi was already in her seat, scribbling furiously in a notebook.

“Did you finally feel like writing a script?” I asked as I reached my seat. Haruhi snorted as she raised her chin.

“No. This is a tagline for the movie.”

“Show me.”

I picked up the notebook and glanced over the page.

“Loaded with precious, punctiliously confidential, absolutely secret images of Mikuru Asahina! You’ll absolutely regret missing this! The most talked-about film of the year presented by the SOS Brigade! Crowds will come flocking!”

I’ll refrain from mentioning how uselessly sensational it is or how there are only two months left in the year, but all this really says is that Asahina will be involved. If someone can read this tagline and imagine what the movie will be like, I’ll respect that person for all the wrong reasons. Well, I’m the one filming everything and I don’t even know what the movie is about yet so I can’t really complain. Maybe Haruhi doesn’t know either? Whatever the case, I’m impressed she was able to spell “punctiliously” without looking at a dictionary.

“I’ll print off a bunch of flyers and pass them out on the day of the festival. Yep, they’ll work out great! Okabe won’t complain about being dressed up as a bunny if it’s the cultural festival, right?”

No, I think he’ll complain. This is a strict prefectural high school. Stop doing things that give our teacher stomach pains.

“Besides, Asahina will be busy with her class’s refreshment stand. Koizumi and Nagato probably have stuff to do with their own classes. The only people who don’t have anything to do that day are you and me.”

Haruhi looked at me with suspicious eyes.

“So you want to dress up in a bunny outfit?”

How did you come to that conclusion? You can handle it by yourself. I’ll stand behind you holding up a billboard.

“By the way, did you know? There aren’t that many days left till the cultural festival. The festival’s this Saturday and Sunday.”

“I know that.”

“Really? You seemed pretty relaxed so I thought you might have gotten the date wrong.”

“I’m not relaxed at all. At this very moment, I’m trying to come up with catch lines.”

“There’s something that needs to be done before you start thinking about advertising. When will the movie be finished?”

“Soon. We just need to shoot a few missing scenes, edit everything together, dub in voices and music, add visual effects, and it’ll be done.”

That’s a surprise. From my perspective as the cameraman, I’d have to say that there would be more scenes missing than not. Exactly what kind of movie does the director intend this to be? Plus the work that has to be done after the filming sounds like it’ll take far more time than we’ve spent so far. Though it could just be my misconception.

It was during the break between third and fourth period.

“Kyon!”

A ridiculously loud voice rang across the classroom, making everyone still there jump. I reflexively looked to see Tsuruya peeking through the door. I could barely see Asahina’s soft hair next to her.

“Come over here for a sec.”

I dashed over as if drawn in by Tsuruya’s smile. Haruhi was still following her practice of disappearing the second break began so she wasn’t in the classroom. She was probably wandering around school somewhere. How convenient.

As I went out into the hallway, Tsuruya tugged on my sleeve.

“Mikuru has something to tell you!” she shouted in a voice you probably could have heard on the opposite side of the building as she gave Asahina a smack in the back. “Come on, Mikuru. Give that to Kyon!”

With trembling hands, Asahina handed me a fluttery sheet of paper.

“This is… um, a d-d-discount voucher.”

“It’s for our class’s yakisoba café,” added Tsuruya to explain further.

I gratefully accepted it. It was basically like a coupon. According to the signed words printed on the paper, you would get a thirty-percent discount if you brought this paper.

“Please invite your friends to come along!”

Asahina bowed her head as Tsuruya laughed with a mouth as wide as a comic-book character’s.

“That’s all! See ya!”

As Tsuruya merrily walked off, Asahina moved to follow but immediately ran back to where I was. Tsuruya chuckled at the sight and stopped and stood in a waiting stance.

Asahina joined her fingers as she peeked up at me.

“… Kyon.”

“What is it?”

“You really shouldn’t trust what Koizumi says…. I realize that this makes Koizumi sound like a bad person… which isn’t my goal… but still…”

“You mean the stuff he says about Haruhi being God?”

I don’t believe any of that.

“I, well… have a different idea about that. Basically, that is… it’s different from Koizumi’s interpretation.”

Asahina breathed deeply before looking at me with upturned eyes.

“There’s no doubt that Suzumiya has the power to alter the present. However, I don’t believe she’s changing the structure of the world. The world was like this to begin with. It wasn’t created by Suzumiya.”

Well, well… A view that totally rejects Koizumi’s.

“I believe that Nagato also has a different view.”

Asahina entwined her fingers before her uniform.

“Um… It might be rude to say this…”

Tsuruya was grinning as she watched us from a distance. The look on her face was like that of a mother swallow urging her chick to leave the nest. I think she misunderstood what was going on.

Asahina spoke her words in an unsophisticated tone.

“What Koizumi is saying is different from what we believe. It would be improper to tell you to well… not trust him… but, um…”

She waved her hands frantically.

“I’m sorry. I’m bad at explaining things, and there are restrictions on what I can say…. Um…”

She went through a cycle of hanging her head and looking back up at me.

“Koizumi has his own circumstances and theories. The same goes for us. And probably for Nagato as well.”

Asahina gazed at me with a face so determined, she must have mustered all the willpower in her body. She’s still cute when she looks serious. As I shook from the emotion of being able to see her face up close, I answered confidently.

“I know. How could Haruhi possibly be God, right?”

If the money I throw in whenever I visit a temple goes to her, I might as well set up Asahina as the founder of a new religion. It’ll probably attract more believers too. I’d give it a double seal of approval.

“I find your view a lot easier to understand than Koizumi’s.”

Asahina had a little smile on her face. If sweet peas could smile, it’d probably look something like this.

“Mmm. Thank you. But I don’t hold anything against Koizumi. Please understand that.”

After delivering that odd statement with upturned eyes, she dashed off as though she were running away. With a wave of her small hand, she chased after Tsuruya like a spot-billed duckling following its mother.

It would probably be a good idea to get some work done. And with that thought, I headed to the club room to fiddle with the computer, wondering why such an admirable thought had popped into my mind, to find somebody already inside, wearing a pointy hat and black mantle while reading a book.

Before I could say a word…

“Mikuru Asahina’s tenet is believed to be as follows,” Nagato began, as though she had read my mind.

“Haruhi Suzumiya is not the Creator. She did not create this world. The world always existed in its current form. Supernatural entities such as ESP, temporal deviations, and conceptual alien organisms were not born as a result of Haruhi Suzumiya’s wishes. They always existed. Haruhi Suzumiya’s role is to discover such entities without being aware of their identity, and she has wielded that power for the past three years. However, her discoveries do not lead to self-recognition. She is able to detect abnormalities in the world, but she is by no means able to recognize them. That is because elements exist to prevent such recognition.”

Her lips, never smiling, spoke the words plainly. Nagato stared into my eyes and said the following before shutting her mouth.

“That would be us.”

“So Asahina, for a reason different from Koizumi’s, would also be inconvenienced by Haruhi finding mysterious phenomena?” I asked.

“Yes.”

Nagato returned her eyes to the open book. She didn’t seem very interested in our conversation.

“She has come to this space-time to protect the future space-time she belongs to.”

I have a feeling she just said something really important in passing.

“Haruhi Suzumiya is considered a variable to Mikuru Asahina’s space-time, and in order to maintain the stability of the future, it is necessary to input the correct values. Mikuru Asahina’s role is to regulate those values.”

Nagato flipped the page without making a sound. She continued without even a blink of those hard, black eyes.

“Itsuki Koizumi and Mikuru Asahina have differing roles in mind for Haruhi Suzumiya. They can never accept the opposite side’s interpretation. As far as they are concerned, a divergent theory would shake the very foundations of their existence.”

“Wait. Koizumi said that his ESP showed up three years ago.”

Nagato immediately responded to my query.

“There is no guarantee that Itsuki Koizumi is telling the truth.”

I recalled that handsome smiling face in my mind. No guarantee indeed. Koizumi’s theory just happens to conveniently explain everything that’s happened to me. Who can say if he’s right? The fact of the matter is, Asahina told me not to believe him. But the same goes for Asahina’s theory. Nobody can guarantee that Asahina’s answer is correct.

I looked at Nagato. Everything Koizumi has said may have been a downright lie. Asahina may not have realized that her view was a lie. But this composed alien didn’t look like she’d be able to lie.

“What do you think about all of this? Which one’s correct? What was that potential-for-autoevolution thing you were talking about anyway?”

The black-garbed bookworm was completely devoid of emotion.

“Any truth I may tell you will be unable to grant you solid proof.”

“What’s that?”

However, that was when I saw a truly rare sight. Nagato had a hesitant expression on her face. As I stood astonished, she responded.

“There is no guarantee that I am telling the truth.”

And with that, she set down her book and left the club room, leaving the following words.

“Not for you, at least.”

The bell began to ring.

I don’t get it.

Normally, you wouldn’t, right?

Koizumi and Nagato don’t talk in a way that can be easily understood by other people. It makes me wonder if they’re doing it on purpose. They should at least put a little effort into trying to summarize what they’re saying to something simpler. Or they’ll be speaking to deaf ears. Nobody will bother to listen.

I walked along with my arms crossed as a group of people dressed in stateless medieval outfits ran past me and turned the corner. Nagato, in her black outfit, could probably join in without looking out of place. Maybe some class or club doesn’t want to yield to Haruhi and is filming their own fantasy movie. Lucky them. They’re probably having a fun time filming their movie without having to deal with any of the problems plaguing me. And they probably have a director who actually has common sense when it comes to issuing commands.

I sighed and returned to the 1-5 classroom.

Haruhi was the only one who believed filming was going well, as the expressions of gloom on the faces of Asahina, Koizumi, and myself gradually escalated.

A number of things appeared to be happening as the filming progressed. The next thing we knew, the model gun fired water bullets instead of BBs, Asahina shot dangerous crap from her eyes every time Haruhi brought a different-colored contact (the gold one shot out rifle darts and the green one shot out micro black holes), which would lead to her being bitten by Nagato, the cherry blossoms that had bloomed fell to the ground the next day, the white doves at the shrine turned into passenger pigeons, which were supposed to be extinct, a few days later (Koizumi told me this in secret), and the Earth’s precession was a little off (according to Nagato).

Everyday life was falling apart around us.

I dragged my exhausted body home to be met by the whiskered animal opening his mouth.

“So I simply need to keep my mouth shut around that hyper girl.”

The calico was sprawled on my bed in a posture resembling the Sphinx.

“So you do understand.” I gently grabbed Shamisen’s long tail. The cat slid the tail out of my grasp with a swish.

“You all were behaving in a manner that suggested as much. I also had a premonition that allowing her to hear me speak would be inconvenient.”

“That’s what Koizumi says.”

A cat talked. Meaning that you would need a reason to explain why it wouldn’t be strange for a cat to talk. The simple way to put it is that you would apparently need to reconstruct the world in a way so that talking cats wouldn’t be considered strange. What would that world be like? What would the cast be like?

Shamisen yawned and began grooming his tail.

“There are many kinds of cats. Isn’t it the same with humans?”

“It’d be nice if you went into detail about what your ‘many kinds’ exactly entailed.”

“What would be the point in knowing that? I doubt you could ever fully become a cat, much less understand the mentality of one.”

I’m fed up with every last one of them.

I was planning on taking a bath when my sister came to my room to inform me that I had a visitor.

I wondered who it might be as I went down the stairs. The one who had finally come all the way to my home was Koizumi. I went outside into the night to deal with him. It’d be a bad idea to let him into my room with his endless talking. And I sure as hell didn’t want to be faced with the prospect of being doubled up on by him and Shamisen in some incomprehensible discussion of the abstract.

As expected, Koizumi began babbling by himself about some kind of theory. He even said the following.

“Suzumiya has no interest in detailed background explanations or subplot. She simply goes with whatever feels more fun, and that’s enough reason for her. There is no rational resolution, careful composition, or fancy foreshadowing. You could say that she has created a rather transient story. She hasn’t given any thought to a resolution. It is possible that the movie may end unfinished.”

And that would be a problem, huh? Based on what you’ve said, if the movie ends halfheartedly, this messed-up reality will become our new reality. We have to force Haruhi to accept a conclusion in her mind, and that conclusion must conform to reality. And we’re the ones who have to come up with such a conclusion. Haruhi doesn’t think, and even if she were to, the result would always be chaos. If that’s the case, we might as well do the thinking for her. Still, why do I have to rack my brain for such a reason? Anybody out there who can shoulder this curse for me?

“If such a person were to exist…”

Koizumi shrugged.

“That person would have appeared before us long ago. Therefore, we must do something about the situation. I’m especially looking forward to your efforts.”

Efforts toward what? Start by explaining that to me.

“We have a problem with the world becoming fiction from a logical standpoint. Asahina may also have a problem with it. Her people follow their own logic. I’m not really sure about Nagato, but observers merely need to take in results. They will simply accept whichever theory wins out in the end. They have no problem with the Earth being blown to pieces, as long as Suzumiya remains.”

The outdoor lamp illuminated Koizumi’s business-like expression.

“The truth is that our Agency and Asahina’s factions are not the only ones with theories centered on Suzumiya. There are many others. I would love to give you a digest of the disputes and bloody battles to the death going on under the surface. Alliances and betrayals, sabotage and deceit, destruction and slaughter. A battle royal where each group must fight with all their strength to survive.”

Koizumi had a tired, cynical smile on his face.

“I do not believe that our theory is absolutely correct. However, I must accept it or I will be unable to continue in my current situation. I just happened to be initially placed on that side. I do not have the option of changing sides. A white pawn cannot switch to the black side.”

Use Othello or shogi.

“It has nothing to do with you. Nor Suzumiya, for that matter. It is better that way. I especially hope that Suzumiya never learns about it. I do not wish to cause her grief. By my standards, Suzumiya has a lovable character. Of course, you do as well.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Merely a slip of the tongue. There is no reason. Besides, I may merely be joking. Perhaps I’m being possessed by bizarre delusions. Or I’m simply trying to earn your sympathy. Whatever the case, it isn’t amusing enough to discuss.”

Yeah, definitely not amusing.

“I might as well tell you something else that isn’t amusing. I’ve come up with a theory regarding why Mikuru Asahina… excuse me, Asahina was sent to accompany us. As you know, Asahina appears to be a helpless, beautiful girl. I can understand why one would reflexively want to offer her help. You would probably accept everything she does in a positive way.”

---

---

“What’s wrong with that?”

It is the spiritual duty of normal people to help the weak and break the strong.

“Her role is to entice you. That is why Asahina’s appearance and personality are the way they are. A timid, adorable girl who just happens to fit your tastes. You are the only person Suzumiya ever bothers listening to. Having a hold on you would be the optimal course of action.”

I fell as silent as a deep-sea fish. I recalled what Asahina had said to me half a year ago. Not the present Asahina but the adult one who came from farther into the future. After summoning me with a letter, she said, “Don’t get too close to me.” Was she saying that because of her circumstances? Or was she expressing her personal feelings?

Koizumi took advantage of my silence to continue in a voice that sounded like an old Jomon Sugi was speaking.

“What if Asahina is merely playing the role of a clumsy girl and her true personality is something different? She judged that doing so would earn your sympathy. The same goes for her position as a poor little girl childish in appearance who has to suffer Suzumiya’s unreasonable demands. It is all done to attract your attention.”

This guy’s seriously lost his sanity. I attempted to imitate Nagato’s flat voice. “I’m sick of listening to your jokes.”

Koizumi smiled a minuscule smile and spread his arms in an exaggerated fashion.

“Ah, forgive me. It would appear that I lack the ability to carry through a joke. I was lying. It was just a crazy setting I made up. I just felt like saying something serious. Did you think I really meant it? If that’s the case, my acting skills aren’t too shabby. I’m starting to feel confident about stepping onto a stage.”

He continued after a grating chuckle. “My class will be performing Shakespeare. Hamlet, to be specific. I will be playing the role of Guildenstern.”

“Never heard the name before. He’s probably just a minor character, right?”

“Originally, that would be the case. However, as we progressed, we decided to switch to the Stoppard version. Which means I will have a much bigger role.”

Good job. I didn’t know there was another version of Hamlet besides Shakespeare’s.

“Between Suzumiya’s movie and this play, my schedule has been quite tight. It’s a lot of pressure. If I appear to be mentally tired, that would be the reason why. I’m pretty confident that I would collapse if a closed space were to appear. That is another reason why I came to request your aid. To please stop the abnormal phenomena being caused by Suzumiya’s movie.”

The rational-conclusion thing? You mentioned the whole it-was-just-a-dream thing.

“I have to make Haruhi realize that everything in her movie is made up—right?”

“It must be a clear understanding. She’s quite intelligent. She is well aware of the fact that her movie is fiction. However, she wishes that the world would become that way. We need her to clearly understand that it won’t. Before the filming is over, preferably.”

And after wishing me luck, Koizumi disappeared into the night. What was that? Did he come to shove the responsibility onto me? He already has a lot to deal with so I have to handle the rest? If that’s the case, he’s come to the wrong person. We’re not talking about the joker in Old Maid here. You can’t just push it around. And Haruhi Suzumiya isn’t the fifty-third card here. Not the trump card or ace in the hole either. And she’s definitely not the maid.

“But still,” I muttered.

I can’t just ignore all of this. Nagato aside, Asahina and Koizumi look like they’re almost out of hit points. The same may be true about the entire world for that matter, but I wouldn’t know.

“That’s a problem… I suppose.”

What a pain. Damn. I’m pretty pooped myself.

I tried to come up with a plan. How to deal with Haruhi’s delusions. A way to clearly make her understand that movie and reality are separate. What would be the method to make her accept such an obvious thing? It was all just a dream… or was there something else?

Only a little time remained before the cultural festival.

The next day, I made a suggestion to Haruhi. After some wrangling, she finally agreed to it.

“Okay!” Haruhi yelled loudly as she sounded the megaphone.

“Good work! We’re done filming now! Everybody worked hard! Especially myself. Yep, I’m awesome! Great job!”

Upon hearing those words, waitress Asahina plopped down onto the ground. She looked relieved from the bottom of her heart. So relieved that it looked like she might cry. In fact, tears were flowing from her eyes. Haruhi apparently took those tears to mean that she had been overcome by emotion.

“Mikuru, it’s too early to be crying. Save those tears for when you’re awarded a Palme d’Or or an Oscar. We’ll all be happy together!”

It was lunch break, and we were gathered on the roof of the school building. Tomorrow would be the cultural festival. We had been so short on time that we didn’t even have time to calmly eat lunch.

The final battle between Mikuru and Yuki ended with the sudden awakening of some unknown power within Itsuki Koizumi and the usage of that convenient power to send Yuki flying into the deep reaches of space.

“This is perfect. We’ve made an incredible movie! If we take this to Hollywood, we’ll have an avalanche of buyers. We should start by signing a contract with a skilled agent!”

Haruhi was cheerfully intent on going global. I had no idea who was going to watch this film, but the only selling point would be the leading actress, as nobody would want anything to do with the rest of the staff. In that case, I could tag along as Asahina’s agent and promote her. I could probably make a little money that way. And while we were at it, maybe Haruhi could try to become a gravure idol or something? I was willing to send in her photographs and background without telling her.

“So it’s finally over, huh?”

Koizumi smiled at me with a sunny face.

It’s pretty aggravating, but he looked best when he had that free-of-charge smile on his face. I don’t want to see a melancholic Koizumi. It would probably give me the creeps.

“But now that we’re finished, it feels like it was all over in an instant. They say that time flies when you’re having fun, but I wonder who was having fun in this case.”

Beats me.

“Can I trust you to handle the rest? I can’t think about anything besides our class play at the moment, since you aren’t allowed to retake lines the way you can in movies.”

Koizumi still had on his usual grin. He placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered in a soft voice, “One more thing. An expression of gratitude. From both my organization and myself.”

And with that said, he left the roof. Nagato silently walked off after him with her usual blank expression.

Asahina was with Haruhi, who had one hand around Asahina’s shoulders and the other pointing toward the ocean as they looked off into the distance.

“We’re aiming for a Hollywood blockbuster!” she shouted. Feel free to point, but if you cross the ocean in that direction, you’ll end up in Australia.

“Good grief,” I muttered as I set the video camera down and sat. It may be over for Koizumi, Nagato, and Asahina. But this is only the beginning of the end for me. There’s still something I have to do.

Somebody had to take the mass quantity of digital video I had filmed and somehow transform the accumulation of junk digital information into the semblance of a movie. And I’m pretty sure that I don’t need to tell you to whom that task would fall.

It was Friday evening. Haruhi and I were the only people in the club room. The other three were working with their respective classes.

It was great that we’d finished shooting and all, but since the filming had taken so long, we barely had any time left to do the remaining tasks. As I replayed the footage I had loaded onto the computer, I came to the conclusion that we would have to turn this into a Mikuru Asahina promotional video clip. Very simple.

To be honest, I didn’t even have the slightest pixel of an idea as to what kind of movie Haruhi was making to the very end. Are the waitress, Death-girl, and grinning boy on the monitor okay in the head? And naturally, there wasn’t enough time left to search around for visual effects, and I didn’t have that ability to begin with. We’d just have to screen the film without any processing or editing.

Haruhi grumbled, “We can’t display an unfinished work! Do something about it!”

Is she talking to me?

“That’s easy for you to say. The cultural festival’s tomorrow and I’m already exhausted. Editing this thing to fit the story you made up was the best I could manage. I probably won’t want to watch any movies for a while.”

However, Haruhi excelled at crushing other people’s opinions in an instant.

“Won’t there be enough time with an all-nighter?”

And who’s going to do that? Except I didn’t say that. Since I was the only one there and Haruhi’s ebony eyes were looking straight at me.

“You just have to stay overnight and finish the job.”

And then Haruhi said something that left me utterly speechless.

“I’ll help too.”

In hindsight, Haruhi wasn’t any help at all. She stood behind me for a while interfering, but it didn’t even take an hour before she was sprawled on the table asleep. Damn. I should have filmed her sleeping. Then I could have put a still shot of that face after the ending credits rolled.

And I should mention that I also fell asleep soon after. By the time I opened my eyes, it was already morning and the keyboard was imprinted into half of my face.

Which means that there had been no point in staying overnight. The movie remained unfinished. I managed to cut and piece the thing into something under thirty minutes, but the result was pretty pathetic. Just a wreck filmed on a whim by a bunch of amateurs who didn’t have the slightest clue about movies. I should have just defied Haruhi and only used the bunny Asahina shopping district commercials. When you consider that the objective of my editing was to match a story that didn’t exist, which would be like spurring on a failure, the result would have to be something awful. In the end, there had been no dubbing or visual effects added. Just a garbage movie so bad it was laughable. I couldn’t even show this to Taniguchi.

As I considered tossing the computer out the window, I squinted at the morning sunlight streaming in. I’d slept in an unnatural position, so my back was aching.

By the time Haruhi, who had woken up first, had shaken me awake, it was six thirty in the morning. Now that I think about it, this is the first time I’ve ever stayed overnight at school.

“Hey, how’d it go?”

Haruhi looked at the monitor over my shoulder. I had no choice but to move the mouse.

The film began playing.

“… Huh?”

As I listened to Haruhi’s soft cheering, I was astonished. A CG movie I had never made was magnificently displaying a moving title. At that point, The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina Episode 00 began playing with a crappy story, dialogue you could barely hear, and shaky video; you could even hear the director yelling off the screen at times. However, the visual effects could be considered acceptable for a high school amateur film. Lasers were shooting from Asahina’s eye and strange rays were shooting from Nagato’s wand.

“Heheh—”

Haruhi was expressing her admiration.

“Not bad, huh? It feels a little lacking, but you did a good job.”

It wasn’t me. Unless another personality surfaced and did this while I was sleeping, there is no way I could ever accomplish this. Somebody else did it. Most likely candidate, Nagato. Possible contender, Koizumi. Out of the question, Asahina. Dark horse, somebody who hasn’t made an appearance yet. Something like that.

We spent the next period of time silently appreciating our autonomously produced movie. I might have felt something different if I were watching this on a big screen instead of this small monitor.

The video on the display shifted to the last scene. Koizumi and Asahina were holding hands as they walked under cherry blossom trees in full bloom. The camera then panned up to show a blue sky. Cheap-sounding music began playing soon after as the staff roll began scrolling vertically.

And at the very end, Haruhi began narrating.

The idea I had devised was to force Haruhi to deliver this narration. I convinced her that the director herself should deliver these closing words as a bit of an inside joke.

They were the magic words that canceled everything that had occurred.

“This story is a work of fiction. There is no relation to any real people, organizations, events, or other names and phenomena. It’s all made up. If anything seems familiar, it’s just a coincidence. Oh, the commercials are an exception. Here’s a shout-out to Ohmori Electronics and Yamatsuchi Model Shop! Give them lots of business! What? Say it again? This story is a work of fiction. There is no relation to any real people, organizations… Hey, Kyon. Why do I have to say this? Shouldn’t it be obvious?”