All I could see was the dark expanse of space.

It was as dark as if I’d wandered into the Horsehead Nebula with a blindfold on: there wasn’t a single speck of starlight to be found. Quite frankly, this might be just a half-assed attempt at drawing a background. And here I was, hoping for some kind of flashy special effects. Well, I’m sure that even the empty void of space has its own concerns to deal with. Something along the lines of budget or technical/time constraints.

“Can’t see a thing.”

I muttered to no one in general. My display’s been showing a black screen the entire time. I have to wonder if my monitor’s broken.

As I pondered my current location in deep space, a dot of light appeared on the bottom of my empty screen and began to advance, forcing me to comment.

“Hey, Haruhi. Shouldn’t you stay back a little more? Your flagship’s a little too far up.”

Haruhi’s reply came as follows.

“Operations Officer, address me as ‘Your Excellency.’ As chief of the SOS Brigade, I hold the same rank as a general field marshal. I’m top dog here.”

I didn’t even get a chance to make a wisecrack about her use of “Operations Officer” and “Your Excellency” before someone else spoke up.

“Your Excellency, Intelligence Officer Nagato has reported that the enemy armada is behaving suspiciously. Your orders?”

Koizumi delivered his status report and Haruhi gave her reply.

“It doesn’t matter. We simply charge!”

A typical Haruhi order, but nobody would ever follow it. Hell, nobody did, since we all knew that a frontal assault would get us torn apart like the Takeda cavalry at Tanegashima.

Asahina had a worried look on her face as she raised her hand.

“Um…What am I supposed to do…?”

“Mikuru, you’ll only get in the way, so have your supply fleet go off somewhere else, since I’m not expecting anything from you. Kyon, you join Yuki and Koizumi in taking out their vanguard. And then I’ll deliver the coup de grace. With style!”

I really want somebody to stop her.

I looked back at my monitor to check on the position of my fleet, part of the SOS Brigade Space Force. The fifteen thousand vessels under my command, dubbed the <Kyon Fleet> by Haruhi, were currently advancing toward the front lines in a position directly behind the <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>. The <Koizumi Fleet> was flanking mine, while our consistent and steady bastion the <Yuki Fleet> was way ahead of us, scouting enemy movements. When I looked around for the <Mikuru Fleet>, which included the supply ships, I found that her shaky operation had left her lost from the beginning of the battle.

“Wah—Which way am I supposed to go?”

Asahina was practically squealing in bewilderment as she bumbled around like usual.

Any direction works. Just chill behind us, please. These ships may only exist on a screen, but I still don’t want to see harm done to something with your name on it.

Suddenly the monitor before me began to display a number of changes. Data from the scouts of <Yuki Fleet> had been linked to my fleet. My screen, originally a black void with the exception of the symbols marking allied fleets, now displayed the positions of the enemy units Nagato had located.

“Stay back, Haruhi,” I said. “They’ve split their armada. I’m guessing that they’re searching for your position. The boss should behave accordingly and stay in the back lines.”

“What did you say?”

Haruhi puckered her lips as she objected.

“You’re going to leave me out of this? That’s not fair. I want to get in there and fire beams and missiles like crazy too!”

I ordered <Kyon Fleet> to advance at a brisk pace.

“Listen up, Haruhi. If your flagship is taken out, we lose. Look. The four enemy fleets rushing us are all chumps. The flagship and its fleet are giving orders from the rear. Do you send your king rushing into the enemy when playing chess? Especially when it’s the beginning of a match?”

“Well…you have a point.”

Haruhi had a sullen look on her face with a tinge of bruised ego. Her eyes were locked on me as though she were a cat asking for food.

“Well then, you guys take care of it. Find the enemy flagship and bombard away. We can’t lose to these punks. We’re absolutely going to win. Defeat will ruin the SOS Brigade reputation. And most important of all, I wouldn’t be able to stand them lording it over us!”

“Your Excellency.”

Koizumi immediately made his report.

“Intelligence Officer Nagato’s <Yuki Fleet> has engaged the enemy vanguard. We will soon be entering battle. I must humbly request that Your Excellency withdraw to the rear and provide the entire force with tactical leadership.”

His voice sounded serious enough, but the smile on his face made it hard to believe he was sincere.

“Oh, really?”

Haruhi seemed to be very pleased by Koizumi’s not-very-subtle attempt to suck up as she sat down in the brigade chief ’s chair with her arms crossed. The look on her face was what you would expect from a young officer straight out of the academy who’d been placed in charge because of his rank, despite his inability to provide strategic leadership.

“I’m willing to listen to the advice of Chief Officer Koizumi. Well then, work hard, everyone. Turn those impertinent computer society freaks into riddled, smoldering smithereens. Our goal is total annihilation. We’re going to smash them.”

I suppose that her being motivated to achieve total victory is a good thing, but she shouldn’t forget that our opponents wanted this battle in space. Our enemy, the computer society, probably has the same aspirations you do.

And from what I’ve seen, the SOS Brigade’s chances of winning were worse than the chances of the Imperial Japanese Navy at Leyte Gulf. There are no ifs in history, but assuming that you reran the scenario with equal numbers and equal forces on both sides, the IJN still would have gotten their asses handed to them. Shouldn’t we just raise the white flag already?

“Well, guess we can’t really do that.”

I rolled up my sleeves and checked my screen again for intelligence on the enemy. Nagato’s delivered again. She’s provided us with data on the positions of virtually every enemy unit, with the exception of the flagship fleet. The responsibility for leading our

forces to victory rested upon my shoulders, or, namely, upon my intellect and ability as the so-called operations officer.

What to do?

“Well…then.”

I stared at the flickering LCD screen on my notebook computer as I tried to come up with a plan for producing the result desired by Commander Haruhi. But first, I should probably explain our current situation. When you reach a crossroads in life, it’s usually beneficial to sort out your thoughts before you confuse yourself. That’s what I’ll do.

It all began a week ago.

After school one autumn day.

It was a few days after the cultural festival ended, and peace and quiet had returned to the school.

That’s a fairly generic introduction. Long story short, everything was back to the way it was before the festival, and I probably wasn’t the only person grateful that it had ended without incident.

Though to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t say for sure, since they never tell me what they’re thinking, but Koizumi’s smile seemed a little relieved and the absence of any expression on Nagato’s face seemed to reinforce my belief.

In any case, I’ve begun to regard the sight of this reading machine with her head buried in a book as a symbol of peace on Earth. If I were to catch sight of Nagato behaving oddly or making a fuss, that would be a sign that I needed to write either a will or my memoirs, since it’s more or less a given that nothing can happen that Nagato didn’t expect. If she’s sitting in the literary club room reading a foreign science fiction novel, that’s solid proof I won’t be waking up to a horrifying nightmare anytime soon.

Meanwhile, the beautiful girl who was from the future, despite being entirely clueless about the past, and who served as a pseudo-maid, was once again fully dressed in the attire of a domestic helper for no purpose at all and earnestly making us some steaming hot Japanese tea. I have no idea how Asahina learned the correct water temperature for the different types of tea leaves, but she’d stopped using the hot water dispenser and switched to boiling water in a kettle on the portable gas stove. She held a thermometer in one hand. Pretty sure this is the only place you’re going to find a girl from the future dressed like a maid who’s intently staring at a thermometer that’s stuck in an open kettle. And I had a feeling she was doing it wrong, but if I started trying to name everything that was wrong, I’d probably end up finding that there wasn’t anything in the SOS Brigade base that wasn’t, since everything here is out of whack. The only thing normal in this room would be my awareness of my own existence. I take my hat off to Descartes.

What was once the literary club room was now an alternate space that served as headquarters for Haruhi Suzumiya and her gang. The fact that I’ve managed to hold on to my sanity must mean I’m someone special. On second thought, I was the only one here who didn’t have a bizarre background, and the very existence of our brigade chief, Haruhi, was an enigma in itself. Something’s wrong when I’m the only person with any common sense in the group.

Four crazies versus one straight man. That’s not very balanced. Shouldn’t there at least be one other person to share this mental strain? Besides, it’s not like I enjoy playing the straight man. There are times when I’d rather not. I would gripe about the unfairness of having to shoulder this burden on my own, but I didn’t particularly want to get Taniguchi or Kunikida involved in this. Not because I’d feel bad for them, but because they just aren’t up to the task. I doubt they have the vocabulary or reflexes to stand against Haruhi. Come to think of it, the two of them are a bit nutty like Tsuruya. Damn it all. Crazy is the new way to go?

“Hmm.”

I crossed my arms and began moaning as if deep in contemplation. It wasn’t that I was having trouble figuring out what my next move should be in the game of Go I was playing with Koizumi. It wasn’t very difficult to surround and take the majority of Koizumi’s black stones. Don’t put me on the same level as Koizumi, the board game fanatic who’s horrible at everything he plays. No, I was considering if this world was actually sane, since I’ve reached the conclusion that you have to be insane to survive in an insane world. The normal ones will find themselves gradually losing their sanity. You have to admire how I’ve managed to endure the SOS Brigade clubroom, a vortex of the irrational and absurd. It’s about time somebody praised me.

“Then shall I offer you words of admiration?”

At least Koizumi had the form of a master as he placed his stone on the board and removed one of my white stones. He could play with the best of them, but he didn’t notice that it would only be a matter of time before his move came back to haunt him.

“I’ll pass.”

That was my response as I dipped my fingers into my bowl of stones and shuffled them around, gauging what seemed to be a sincere expression of admiration on Koizumi’s face. It failed to bring me any joy, so I continued in a lethargic voice.

“It wouldn’t feel good coming from you. I’ll just end up worried that there’s a catch somewhere. Just to be clear, I’m not a pawn in your game. If you expect me to act the way you people want, then you’ve got another think coming.”

“I can’t help but wonder which one of our factions your statement is referring to, but you have it all wrong. You and Suzumiya have been completely unpredictable every step of the way. My presence here would be proof of that.”

If Koizumi had never transferred to this school, Haruhi would never have recruited him to be a member of the SOS Brigade. She was never interested in Itsuki Koizumi’s gender, personality, character, or appearance. All she cared about was the fact that he was a transfer student. He was pretty much screwed after transferring to this school at an unusual time of year. Or maybe he transferred here on purpose to get closer to Haruhi. Yet considering how he happens to be one of those espers Haruhi is looking for, his situation would be akin to that of a person living next to radioactive material and having to constantly worry about a Chernobyl that can’t be predicted. It’s possible that he actually wanted to stay as far away from her as he could.

“In the past, perhaps.”

Koizumi stared at the Go stone in his hand.

“The original plan was to observe her from a distance. Thus, I was terrified when Suzumiya first came to see me and brought me to this clubroom after school. And then she announced that our goal was to find aliens, time travelers, and espers and have fun with them. I could only laugh.”

Koizumi sounded a bit nostalgic as he reminisced.

“But it’s different now. I may have started off as an enigmatic transfer student, but that description no longer applies to me. I’m sure that Suzumiya agrees.”

So what? You’re still an enigma as far as I’m concerned.

Koizumi looked around the clubroom, stopping at Nagato, reading in the corner of the room like a cat that prefers narrow places, before moving on to Asahina, still staring intently at the kettle, and finally returning to me.

Haruhi wasn’t around. She was on classroom cleaning duty. Otherwise, Koizumi and I wouldn’t be relaxing here and having a leisurely conversation.

So we were sitting around the clubroom without the brigade chief present, and Koizumi was smiling the way an experienced veterinarian would smile at an injured small bird.

“Nagato, Asahina, me, and you, of course. We are all sanctioned members of the SOS Brigade. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m sure that’s how Suzumiya feels about it.”

Is there a point in judging if someone is more or less than a member of the SOS Brigade?

“Absolutely. Extraordinary entities such as aliens and sliders would be worth more. Ordinary humans who aren’t brigade members would be worth less.”

So Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, and my sister would all be worth less than brigade members? Not that I’m trying to defend them, but it would pain me to think that they’re worth less than I am.

“The logic is simple. If Suzumiya considered them important, they would be here with us right now as fellow members. Their absence shows that Suzumiya doesn’t consider them important. She values them as much as a random ordinary person walking by. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.”

“What about sliders? None have showed up yet?”

“In hindsight, I would say that none currently exist in this world. For if any existed, he or she would inevitably have been summoned to this room by chance.”

“That’s a good thing. I’m not interested in running off to an alternate dimension.”

As I placed a white stone on the board to eliminate a considerable number of Koizumi’s pieces, all but assuring victory, a teacup was placed next to the Go board.

“I’m sorry about the wait. Here’s your tea.”

Asahina was standing next to us with a smile you’d expect to find on a coach who had led a scrappy Little League baseball team to a regional championship.

“I bought these Karigane leaves for the first time. I think I was able to brew it well…It was expensive, though.”

It is a travesty that you have to pay out of your own pocket. You should ask Haruhi to reimburse you later. Well, it really isn’t necessary to splurge on tea leaves. Even tap water, once graced by Asahina’s hands, would taste better than Evian mineral water.

“Hee hee, drink it slowly.”

It was clear that Asahina had become accustomed to wearing her maid costume as she placed a teacup in front of Koizumi before turning to gracefully carry the tray with the remaining teacup over to Nagato.

“…”

Nagato showed no reaction, just as always, but it appeared that no reaction was less of a strain on Asahina than an actual expression of gratitude. I have yet to see the SOS Brigade alien and time traveler engage in a friendly conversation. Actually, I’ve never seen Nagato have a pleasant conversation with anybody. Well, I guess that’s fine. It’d be scary if Nagato suddenly started jabbering away, and a waste if she turned into another Haruhi, who just needs to shut up.

If someone never talks and doesn’t make any trouble, we should keep it that way.

After spending some time playing Go and sipping my tea, I could almost forget about the evil in this world. However, this pedestrian moment of peace didn’t last long, as trouble, afraid of being forgotten, has a habit of rearing its ugly head on a regular basis.

There was a knock on the door. I looked up at the scratched, cheap door and steeled myself. For what? The four brigade members who weren’t Haruhi were currently lounging around the clubroom. And Haruhi would be the last person in the world to show manners and knock on the door. Which meant that the person on the other side wasn’t Haruhi or another member of the SOS Brigade, but an outsider. No idea who it was, but I could use my masterful powers of deduction to conclude that he or she was bringing us some kind of mess to deal with. See Kimidori a few months ago.

“Yes, coming right away!”

I could hear Asahina shuffling toward the door. She’s become so used to this routine that she no longer questions why she’s acting like a maid. Is that…a good thing?

“Ah?!”

Asahina apparently saw someone unexpected after opening the door. Her eyes were wide open.

“Welcome…P-please come in?”

Asahina took two steps back as she covered her chest with her arms for some reason.

“No, I’ll stay out here.”

Our visitor sounded a little nervous as he stuck his head through the doorway and looked around the room.

“The brigade chief isn’t around, huh…”

The speaker, who was unable to conceal the relief in his voice, was the leader of our neighbors, the computer society president.

No one else made a move, so I had to serve as the receptionist. Asahina was frozen in place, Koizumi was simply smiling at the upperclassman, and Nagato had yet to look away from her book.

“How may we help you?”

He’s an upperclassman. I should probably show some respect. I stood up and stepped in front of Asahina in a semblance of shielding her. Hmm? The computer society president, standing right outside the doorway, was followed by a cluster of male students who seemed to hover, like a bunch of ancestral spirits that were haunting him. What’s up? It’s the wrong time of year for a vendetta attack.

The president appeared to relax upon seeing that I was the one

who stepped forward, as a thin smile spread across his face and he straightened his back.

“First, I’d like you to take this.”

I didn’t really understand why he was holding out a CD case to me. Why would I accept it? The computer society had no reason to give us any presents without an ulterior motive, so naturally I was skeptical.

“No, this isn’t anything dangerous,” said the president. “You’ll find game software inside. It’s an original we developed. We released it at the cultural festival just the other day. Did you happen to see it?”

Sorry, but I didn’t have time. The only memories I want to retain from the cultural festival are those of the band performance and Asahina’s waitress costume.

“I see…”

The president wasn’t offended, but his shoulders slumped as he mumbled something about their display’s being in a bad spot. If you just came here to chat, you should finish up and get going. Don’t blame me if Haruhi shows up and turns this into a big fight.

“But of course, I came here for a reason. But I agree that I should probably make it quick. Here I go then!”

The president appeared to be perspiring profusely as the band of spectators behind him nodded solemnly. I really wish he would hurry it up.

“We challenge you to a contest at this game!”

The president’s voice cracked as he thrust the CD case at me again.

Why would we want to play a game against the computer society? If you don’t have anybody to play with, I would advise that you try a different clubroom.

“This is no simple game.”

The president appeared to be dug in for a fight.

“This is a contest. We even have a wager prepared.”

I’ll give you Koizumi, then. You can have your little contest in the computer society clubroom.

“You’re missing the point. We want to have a contest with you guys!”

I’m begging you. Stop yelling “contest” over and over. Who knows if your shouting has reached Haruhi’s sharp ears? If that girl, baseless self-confidence incarnate, happens to catch that word—

“Booya!”

“Guh-oh!”

That bizarre sequence happened as somebody came in from the side and sent the president flying out of sight.

“Whoa?!” “Prez!” “Are you okay?!”

Followed a few seconds later by his fellow members’ crying out and racing over to where the president was sprawled in the hallway. I slowly turned my gaze to the side.

“Who are you people?”

A girl stood there with her finely shaped lips in a wide smile and shining eyes directed toward the computer society members. Haruhi Suzumiya herself.

After her sneak flying kick on the president, Haruhi had executed a ten-point landing and now stood there with a triumphant look on her face.

Haruhi brushed away a lock of hair from her ear.

“So the evil organization has finally come. You must belong to some secret organization that finds the SOS Brigade a nuisance. I won’t let you have your way. It is our duty as the good guys to bring light where there is darkness and vanquish all that is evil. You peons should let me one-up you already!”

The president had apparently hit his head when he took a tumble, as he lay there moaning with his subordinates fussing over him. I was probably the only one who heard Haruhi’s little speech.

“Hey, Haruhi.”

I don’t even want to try to count how many times I’ve had to calm her down since starting high school.

“Why don’t you listen before kicking people around? Just look. Now nobody knows what’s going on. All I heard was that he wanted to challenge us to a contest at some game.”

“Kyon, a contest begins the second someone challenges you. A declaration of hostile intent is the same as a declaration of war. Anything the loser says otherwise is merely an excuse. Nobody wants to hear a loser whine.”

Haruhi walked over to the president like a hunter inspecting her freshly bagged prey before expressing obvious disappointment in a somewhat churlish gesture.

“Oh. It’s just our neighbors. Why did these guys come here picking a fight?”

Like I said, they were just about to explain that. You ambushed him from the side before he had a chance to talk.

“But,” Haruhi pouted, “I thought that the student council had come to demand that we surrender this clubroom. I’m expecting them to show up anytime now. Honestly, don’t make things so difficult.”

“That doesn’t make it okay for you to kick people.”

I attempted to scold Haruhi.

“Come to think of it, we haven’t tried that event yet…”

This came from Koizumi, who at some point had moved from his position in the doorway to join us in the hallway. He appeared to be deep in thought, so I stepped on his toes. Don’t say anything that’ll make this worse.

“Ugh…craven SOS Brigade…”

The president continued to moan as he finally managed to stand up with his fellow members supporting him.

“I-in any case, the contest is on. I was expecting there to be some

communication difficulties, so I wrote everything down. You should understand the contest after reading these documents.”

One of the computer society members walked over carrying a stack of copy paper and CD cases and looking like he was in the process of feeding fresh meat to wild lions.

“Appreciate it.”

Koizumi accepted the items with a smile on his face.

“I understand that we’ll be playing a game, but is there an instruction manual that comes with it?”

A different member walked over to hand Koizumi another stack of paper, before speaking quietly.

“Prez, we’re done here. Let’s return to the clubroom.”

“Yes, let’s.”

A weak nod.

“Well, there you have it—”

The president attempted to depart after giving his half-assed explanation, but Haruhi grabbed him by the neck.

“Give us a proper explanation. I won’t let you trick me with a bunch of fine print. Give a thorough explanation that even stupid Kyon here could understand!”

Who are you calling stupid?

The unfortunate president was dragged into the literary club room. The remaining computer society members had no time to voice any objections or rescue their president before the door was shut on them.

The cultural festival period of celebration was over and unlike Haruhi, who had fireworks going off in her head year-round, the rest of the school had returned to everyday life, or so I thought. However, it appeared that the computer society was still in a festive mood. Still, as I looked at the president, cowering in a metal chair all by his lonesome, he reminded me of a white mage with no magic points left and surrounded by zombies after getting separated from the rest of his party on the last floor of a dungeon. He hadn’t even touched the tea prepared by the similarly cowering Asahina as he sat through Haruhi’s interrogation.

I’ll give a brief summary.

The president’s demands were as follows.

1. Accept our challenge to a contest using a game made by the computer society.
2. If we win, return the computer that is currently sitting on the SOS Brigade desk to its original place.
3. Besides, the SOS Brigade doesn’t need an advanced multifunction computer. Computers are meant to be used by the computer society and we insist on its return.
4. In this case, I’m willing to forget the mental anguish I suffered during the computer extortion. No, I want to forget. Let’s all forget it ever happened.
5. And the reasons stated above obligate you to accept our challenge. Fight us.

The sheets of paper Koizumi passed around basically explained the above in writing that was hard to understand and printed in a font that wasn’t very legible. An accusation and challenge bundled into one, I guess. I skimmed the neatly typewritten discourse, but Haruhi made the president talk. Long story short,

“If you aren’t using the computer, give it back.”

Per the president. Haruhi sounded shocked as she responded.

“I’m using it. All the time. The editing for the movie was done on this.”

Except I’m the one who did it.

“And the home page too.”

That was also me. Haruhi has only ever used the computer to surf the Web when she was bored and to design that scribble of an emblem.

“It’s been six months and your home page is nothing more than an index page. It hasn’t been updated in months.”

The president was quite upset. Well, I guess he was the one who kept the access counter moving regularly on that pathetic site. I see. That explains the cave cricket incident. He really wanted to know if we were making use of the computer.

“But when I told you to give me the computer, you agreed. Kyon, you remember, right?”

Was that how it went? I could remember Asahina lying prostrate on the floor, but I didn’t pay much attention to what the president said. Even if we assume that he agreed, any deal you reached would probably be invalid, given his state of mental retardation at the time.

“I strongly object.”

The president appeared to be serious about this. He had his arms crossed and his lips were pursed in what was apparently his best attempt to look tough. You’d figure that he’d have given up after six months, but it seems that his rage had made a resurgence.

Haruhi just snorted and gave him a little nod with a smile on her face.

“Very well. If you want a contest so badly, I’ll go along with it. We’re putting our computer on the line. So what will your side be wagering?”

“What? We’re wagering this computer. If we lose, we’ll let you keep the computer.”

Haruhi’s response was cool.

“This already belongs to us. Why would I want to receive something that already belongs to us? Bring something else.”

I couldn’t help but be impressed by her gusto. Once an object came to be in her possession, no matter the circumstances or the legitimacy of her claim, it belonged to her permanently. Does she plan on growing up to be a thief?

However, the president merely smiled, albeit stiffly, instead of getting angry.

“I understand. A new offer…that’s right. How about new computers for each member? I’ll give you four of them. Are you fine with laptops?”

He voluntarily offered to raise the stakes. This appeared to surprise Haruhi.

“Huh, really?”

She hopped off her seat on the brigade chief desk and peered at the president’s face.

“For real? I won’t let you go back on your word later.”

“I won’t. Promise. I’m willing to sign in blood.”

The president was still acting tough. Made sense to me.

I wasn’t sure about the content of the game that was on the CD Nagato was staring at, but the producers must know the game inside out. Setting aside the issue of whether or not the computer society members are all skilled gamers, they’re probably expecting to have an easy time kicking around the amateurs of the SOS Brigade. I’d have to agree. I doubt we’d have a chance in any fair contest. We only won the baseball game because of Nagato’s unreal powers. It had nothing to do with our own capabilities.

But somebody didn’t know that.

“You don’t have any female members, do you?”

Haruhi asked a rather odd question.

“No, what of it?” asked the president.

“Do you want any female members?”

“…No, not really.”

The president was trying hard to maintain his bluff while Haruhi leered at him like the mistress of an establishment of ill repute.

“If you win, I’ll give this girl to the computer society.”

She pointed at Nagato’s face.

“You want a girl around, right? Yuki will definitely be useful right off the bat. She’s got a good memory and she’s the best-behaved person in the room.”

You idiot. That’s a horrible suggestion. You’re thinking that it wouldn’t be fair to bet our one computer against four of theirs? But there’s a huge difference in the specs between four computers and Nagato. Not that you would know.

“…”

Nagato didn’t even flinch as Haruhi offered her up as a prize. Her static eyes gave me a short glance before passing over Haruhi to stare at the computer society president’s face.

The president was clearly disturbed, judging by the look on his face.

“Uh…but…”

“What? You would rather have Mikuru? Or you think that four computers wouldn’t be enough? Then if we win, you also have to change the name of your club to North High SOS Brigade Two.”

“Ah…um…well…”

Haruhi’s words had left Asahina paralyzed in place with her hand covering her mouth.

“You be the prize.”

I walked over to Haruhi in a fit of rage.

“Stop treating Nagato and Asahina like they’re objects. Why don’t you bet your own body? Don’t just say what you want.”

“What are you talking about? The SOS Brigade chief is a holy and sacred symbol. You could even say that I am the brigade. I have no intention of yielding this position to anyone who doesn’t make an instant impression on me.”

You plan on loitering around here after you’ve graduated?

“Besides, you won’t be able to find anything in this world that can equal me in value.”

Haruhi sidestepped my criticism with her unreasonable statements, pointed to the reticent Nagato and speechless Asahina, and returned to putting pressure on the president.

“So, which one do you want?”

She then gave me a sidelong glance before continuing.

“If you insist, well, you can take me.”

As expected, the president didn’t take Haruhi up on her nonsense. Based on my careful observation, he seemed to linger on Nagato for a while. I can understand that.

He was guilty of previously groping Asahina’s breasts, and I doubt he had the guts to pick the victim of his crime. Besides, Nagato had plenty of secret admirers, according to Taniguchi, so it was possible that he happened to have a thing for the quiet bookish type. Though it was also possible that he wouldn’t be able to relax with Asahina around. At least he was able to keep himself from begging for female members, so this was more or less the obvious outcome.

Oh, Haruhi? Now that everyone knows what her personality is like, you’d have to be a bona fide masochist or complete weirdo to pick her. And you’re not going to find anybody weirder than Haruhi. Which is why I don’t worry about guys taking advantage of her.

And so the stage was set for our battle.

The president left the literary club room briefly before returning with his posse. They were carrying what could only be notebook computers. I was about to say that it was rather generous of them to give us our prizes beforehand, but this game apparently required each team to have five computers. They were so fast in hooking up Haruhi’s desktop and the four laptops to the LAN and installing the homemade game software that I had to wonder if they were computer society members or telecom techs. By listening to their conversation, I was able to learn that the match would be a 5v5 online space battle simulation. Basically, the SOS Brigade needed five computers, the computer society needed five computers, and all of them would be hooked up to the same server for the contest. We would be in our clubroom and they would be in theirs.

Naturally, the server computer would be in their clubroom. Uhhuh, I get it.

“One week of practice time should be enough.”

The president looked pleased as he watched the computer society members work swiftly.

“The battle will commence one week from today at 4 pm. Polish up your skills in the meantime. It’ll be disappointing if you’re too weak.”

He thinks that he’s already won, though the same could be said of Haruhi. She can’t stop herself from gloating about the new computers.

“Uh-huh, I was thinking about looking into acquiring some mini-notebooks. Every brigade member should have a computer. Investment in equipment is critical for boosting the motivation to work.”

My motivation isn’t going to sell itself for a laptop. Though I’ll be happy to take it.

I drank my now-cold tea and casually looked over at the expression on Nagato’s face. Or lack of expression, I should say. No visible change as she stood with Asahina against the wall and watched the computer society members, as calm as usual.

This game was produced by their side. I seriously doubt that they would plant a suspect virus, but you never know. Nagato would say something if that were the case. I can let her handle that stuff. The computer society won’t be able to easily pull a fast one on Nagato.

As I fidgeted with my empty teacup, Asahina walked over.

“Kyon, um…what are they doing exactly? I’m, well, not very familiar with m-machines…”

She stared at the increasing number of wires with a distressed look on her face. You really don’t need to worry so much about it.

“It’s only a game. Just play around with it.”

I attempted to comfort her. Though to be honest, that was how I actually felt about the whole thing. If Nagato and Asahina had actually been on the line in this contest, then I wouldn’t hesitate to unleash the power within. But if we’re fighting over whether or not Haruhi has to return the computer she stole, it’s a different story. The computer society’s demands were low-risk, high-return as far as I was concerned. Just goes to show that they’re confident enough to give us a considerable handicap.

“This is one contest where we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I won’t let Haruhi bitch us around this time.”

I flashed a smile at Asahina as I made a firm assertion to assuage her fears.

“But Suzumiya…She seems so enthusiastic about this.”

Haruhi didn’t even wait for the computer society members to leave before sitting down at her brigade chief desk and grabbing hold of the mouse with Koizumi standing at her side, holding what was apparently the instruction manual.

The president and the rest of our neighbors looked very pleased with themselves for some reason as they left. They must have done a fine piece of work.

Afterward we spent a while trying out our computers, but the sun was getting low in the sky so we called it a day.

As the five of us left school together, Koizumi and I had a conversation. We were a few yards behind the three girls as we descended the hill, and I was the one who spoke first.

“There’s a phrase that I’ve been meaning to retire.”

“Oh? What might that be?”

“Take a guess.”

Koizumi smiled mockingly before contemplating for a moment.

“If I were in your position, there wouldn’t be many phrases that could see abuse. The silent ‘...’ and the ‘give me a break’ variant would be strong contenders. Wouldn’t these be the only possibilities?”

I kept my mouth shut as Koizumi flashed that everlasting smile of his and stated the correct answer.

“Good grief.”

I’m guessing that the shrug and spreading of his arms were something extra he threw in. Koizumi gestured with his arms as he continued speaking.

“I understand how you feel.”

The hell you do.

“You misunderstand. I mean that you are attempting to avoid falling into a state of routine, correct? If you are forced to react in the same way on a regular basis, the process would grow tedious for you, if not other people. It is similar to how you cannot bring yourself to touch a game that you’ve already replayed many times over again. You fear tedium. Suzumiya feels the same way. The difference would be that she actively comes up with activities to engage in while you simply react to her actions. Now, which side would have an easier time?”

Why are you talking like a shrink? Don’t try to explain my mental state with your funny theories. Besides, if you want to talk motive, you should look in the mirror. Koizumi is more or less passive when Haruhi’s involved.

“We are here of our own volition. Have you forgotten? Nagato, Asahina, and I may follow different doctrines, but we are all here for the same purpose. I shouldn’t need to tell you that we have the vital task of observing Suzumiya.”

Meaning that I was the only person who’d been dragged into the SOS Brigade without a purpose and forced to run around in circles. Seriously, who’s behind this mess?

“I wouldn’t know.”

Koizumi gave me an amused look.

“Speaking of which, Suzumiya is no longer our only target of observation. You have been included. While I remain fearful of the havoc you and Suzumiya may wreak, I have been given an opportunity to open my mind, which I truly appreciate. No, I do not jest. I am very grateful.”

Must be fun to watch other people suffer.

The seasons must have straightened themselves out during the cultural festival, as the mountain winds carried an autumn chill. A season I couldn’t stand. When I realized that it would only get colder from here on out, I was tempted to think that I’d rather suffer Haruhi’s oppression.

The sky had grown dark as Haruhi jabbered away by herself ahead of us in a cluster with Asahina, who occasionally nodded in agreement, and Nagato, whose functional capacity was apparently limited to walking when heading home from school. Nagato’s bag was bulging because it contained the laptop she had received. When I asked her why she was taking it home with her, she merely slipped the game CD into the bottom of her bag and said that she was going to “analyze” it. As I watched her silhouette, a thought crossed my mind.

“By the way, Koizumi. I have a suggestion to make.”

“How unusual. I can’t wait to hear it.”

I lowered my voice to be safe.

“About the contest with the computer society. Can we skip the cheating this time?”

“What do you mean by cheating?”

Koizumi also responded in a soft voice.

“Anything like what Nagato did during the baseball game.”

Don’t tell me you forgot.

“I want to make this clear up front. If you happen to have a special power that gives you an advantage at simulation games, don’t use it. This isn’t limited to special powers. I won’t allow the use of any gimmicks that are against the rules.”

Koizumi smiled as he shot me a questioning look.

“What are you expecting to happen? Do you mean to say that it’s all right for us to lose?”

“That’s right.”

I conceded that point.

“For once, all cosmic stuff, future stuff, or ESP is off-limits. Fight honestly and accept the honest result. That would be the best way.”

“I would like to know your reasoning.”

“The only thing we’ll lose is the computer we stole. And it’ll be returned to its original owner. That won’t hurt us.”

Though I’ll need to move the Asahina image collection somewhere first.

“I’m not concerned about the computer.”

Koizumi sounded amused.

“You should know that Suzumiya doesn’t like to lose. If she feels that all is lost and defeat is near, she will produce closed space and cause another rampage that nobody is aware of. You don’t mind if this happens?”

“I don’t care.”

I glanced at Haruhi’s back.

“She has to learn her lesson one of these days. She can’t have her way all the time. Especially since Haruhi isn’t the instigator this time. She shouldn’t be too concerned about the outcome.”

I’ll need to tell Nagato tomorrow that supernatural powers will be off-limits. Guess I should also tell Asahina. I seriously doubt that she has access to any exceptional powers or items, since she confessed to being completely clueless about machines, but just to be safe.

Koizumi chuckled softly. The hell was that? You’re creeping me out.

“No, I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just feeling envious.”

Envious of what?

“Of the invisible bond of trust between you and Suzumiya.”

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

“You’re going to feign ignorance? No, it’s possible that you don’t realize how Suzumiya trusts you and you, in turn, trust her.”

How would you know who I trust?

“Let us assume that we lose the game next week. However, you believe that Suzumiya will not produce closed space as a result. This would be an example of your trust. Likewise, Suzumiya also believes that you will surely lead us to victory. Another example of trust. She was willing to bet brigade members because she genuinely believes that we cannot lose. Neither of you may express it in words, but the two of you are connected by an almost ideal bond of trust.”

I fell into a well of silence. Why didn’t I have a response for him? Because Koizumi’s speculation more or less hit the nail on the head? I’ll let the experts handle the question of whether or not I trust her, but it’s true that I don’t expect a rampage to break out in Haruhi’s mental world. This is a good thing when you consider what’s happened over the past six months. Many things have happened during the period between the founding of the SOS Brigade and the movie filming. Personally, I would say that I’ve matured a bit over the past few months, so I’m sure that the same could be said for Haruhi, who essentially had the same experiences I did. Or else she’d be a true idiot in every sense of the word. Beyond help.

“It’s worth a shot.”

I finally managed to string together a response.

“If we lose this game to the computer society and Haruhi ends up creating that disturbing gray world again, you can count me out of your scheme. I’m going to join Haruhi in messing up the world.”

Koizumi merely smiled. And then he continued in a matter-of-fact tone.

“This shows the trust you share. Do you now understand the source of my envy?”

I didn’t respond as I focused on trudging along the path. Koizumi looked like he had something else to add, but he must have sensed that I wasn’t interested in listening, since he kept his mouth shut.

Oh well. I’m used to Koizumi’s insinuating looks. They were as commonplace as Asahina’s wearing a maid outfit in the clubroom or Haruhi’s bursting with baseless confidence.

Or Nagato’s being so low-profile that you could never tell if she was around…which was another parallel that came to mind—

But I would witness something completely unexpected during the match with the computer society a week later.

And so our training began the next day against virtual opponents representing our neighbors. Though our training basically consisted of playing games, I should probably give a brief introduction to the original game made by the computer society.

<The Day of Sagittarius 3>.

That was the title of the game. It feels like they were going for something that sounded cool, but ended up with something that doesn’t make sense. Still, the actual game is what matters here, since the SOS Brigade name isn’t better by any means. I doubt there are many groups on this planet that can beat us when it comes to having a meaningless name and a pointless purpose. Still, the 3 would suggest that there were also a 1 and a 2.

In any case, I’ll start by explaining the background setting of <The Day of Sagittarius 3>—

I don’t know what year it was. Though it was probably sometime in the distant future. The human race had ventured into outer space to expand its territory considerably. This was an interplanetary territorial conflict that was occurring in a certain star system. There were two galactic powers in this sector engaged in a border dispute with no end in sight. For convenience’s sake, we’ll call one side the <Computer Society Federation> and the other side the <SOS Empire>. Each nation was armed with its own fleet of spaceships, as warfare was conducted in the void of space, and a critical situation was intensifying as both sides sent all available forces to the front lines because this inane battle would continue until the credits rolled. There were no diplomatic or strategic commands to interfere with raw combat. Total annihilation was the only solution. This game sounds like it’s right up Haruhi’s alley.

The screen was completely dark at the start of the game. The blue flashing dots at the bottom of the monitor represented the fleet units we controlled. I could see a total of five isosceles triangles that had a shorter bottom edge lined up together. This was the entire force of the <SOS Empire>, led by Haruhi. Each unit represented fifteen thousand spaceships, for a total of seventy-five thousand, plus a few extra supply vessels. We would satisfy the conditions for victory by controlling our ships to destroy an enemy armada of a similar size, or in the case of the special rules for this match, the enemy commander’s fleet. In other words, we would lose, regardless of the damage or losses suffered by the rest of the armada, if the flagship of <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> was taken out, and our opponents would lose if the flagship of the president’s fleet was destroyed.

Each person was assigned a fleet in the armada, which meant that my fleet could only be controlled from my own computer. I wouldn’t be able to do anything from my laptop if and when Haruhi ran off by herself.

One of the odd features of this game was the fact that you had to do a thorough search to learn not only the position of the enemy, but any potential obstacles in the terrain. In any case, if we wanted to move into a different sector, we would have to dispatch scouts on a scan and wait for them to return before we could learn anything about our surroundings. Pretty convoluted.

Each fleet had its own field of vision, which was only an area with a radius of a few centimeters (on the screen), so if you were to advance without scouting ahead, you might find yourself under attack from an unexpected direction with no way of knowing where the enemy was.

However, all data was linked between allied fleets (at least, that’s how it was supposed to work), so, for example, the field of vision for Nagato’s fleet along with any data retrieved by her scout vessels would be shared with the rest of us. The game was set up so I could sit around and stare at the faint illumination of my field of vision on the black screen while learning the locations of planets and asteroid belts as well as enemy positions.

Still, the map was so big that the battle would be determined by one side’s swiftly determining the enemy’s position and taking action.

There were two types of weapons available, beams and missiles. Beams would hit enemies as soon as they were in range, while missiles were slower but came with a homing function. Missiles were impossible to evade, so you had to shoot each one down.

Generally speaking, this was a 2D fleet simulation game set in space. And this was in real time, not turn-based, so if you wasted too much time searching around the stars, you’d eventually find yourself surrounded by enemies. That aspect of the game was rather unforgiving.

In preparation for the upcoming contest, we got started on our week of gaming. Haruhi was the only one with a desktop computer at her desk while the rest of us sat along the table and stared at our laptops while mouse-clicking furiously. This surreal scene would be a part of SOS Brigade activity for a while. We were practicing against the computer instead of actual opponents, but it still took us three days before we could even score a win with the difficulty set to very easy. Our gaming skills were creeping along as fast as it would take to dig below Earth’s mantle with a hand drill.

“Ah! I got blown up again! Kyon, this game is starting to piss me off.”

Pretty pathetic showing against a computer opponent. Haruhi wasn’t the only one getting ticked off, but the problem here wasn’t game balance. The problem is that you keep charging forward with your flagship to get bombarded by concentrated enemy fire.

“Though we also need to change our strategy.”

I looked away from the LCD monitor, which showed a GAME OVER screen accompanied by mournful music.

“We should probably readjust the parameters for each fleet. Especially for your flagship fleet.”

Each fleet unit can assign three combat parameters. [Speed], [Defense], and [Attack]. Each player starts with 100 points, which are allocated among the three parameters on the start screen. Something like [Speed · 30], [Defense · 40], [Attack · 30]. And Haruhi was playing with her parameters set to [Speed · 50], [Defense · 0], [Attack · 50], so the armor on her flagship was thin as cardboard. I was dying to tell her to show more respect for outer space. In any case, it was clear that she only cared about smashing enemy ships as quickly as possible. We aren’t going to make any progress if Haruhi gets her flagship totaled before Koizumi and I have a chance to do anything.

“Man! This is such a pain. What’s the point in making a game that’s no fun? I like things that are easy to understand!”

Despite her grumbling, Haruhi continued to start up another game. I didn’t comment as the <The Day of Sagittarius 3> logo appeared on the screen of my laptop.

Haruhi cheerfully clicked away with her mouse as she talked.

“They should have made an RPG instead. They would represent the Devil or some evil god while I play the hero. I would prefer a game where the last boss fight starts right after the opening scene. I’ve always wondered why the boss waits at the end of a dungeon instead of showing up at the very beginning. That’s what I would do if I were the Devil. The hero wouldn’t have to waste a bunch of time wandering around a dungeon this way, and the story would end quickly.”

I ignored Haruhi’s nonsense as I looked around at the other members. Chief Officer Koizumi sat closest to Haruhi, then me, Asahina next to me, and Nagato at the end of the table.

“This is rather difficult. Well, it may simply be my lack of familiarity with such games. The design itself is simple, but the controls are insane.”

The pointless commentary by Koizumi was accompanied by the same easy smile he always had when we played Othello. Meanwhile, Asahina was wearing her maid outfit when there wasn’t any need.

“Wah-wah, my flashing light won’t move the way I’m telling it to. Why are we limited to moving in two dimensions when this takes place in space?”

She asked a very fundamental question as she fumbled around with her mouse.

These two wouldn’t be a problem. The remaining member was my primary concern at the moment.

“…”

Yuki Nagato stared at her monitor the way a mathematician would stare at an extremely advanced math problem. She was the first to adapt to this game: our only victory, which came despite Haruhi’s method of recklessly charging forward in a straight line, could be attributed to her precise execution of fleet maneuvers.

Naturally, I’d warned her beforehand that she shouldn’t use any magic or data manipulation or super-underhanded tricks. I took care of that piece of business during lunch. Nagato’s response had been to look me in the eye for a few seconds before nodding wordlessly in assent, which helped to lighten the burden on my shoulders. Consequently, I didn’t need to worry about the game ahead of us. If we actually managed to win, it would be the result of some kind of mistake, and that wouldn’t be for me to deal with. Yep, I already have an excuse prepared for shirking any responsibility.

All that’s left is to come up with a strategy that lets us put up a good fight so we can be defeated in a blaze of glory. And I can’t forget about burning the Asahina image folder onto a CD.

The week flew by in a hectic mess that befit these closing days of autumn, and it was finally time for the battle to begin.

Our little group, led by Haruhi, sat down at our respective seats in the literary club room while the computer society members sat in their clubroom and everybody watched the countdown on the screens.

As we waited for the game to begin, our monitors displayed a brief introduction of each armada. The only visible information consisted of names and which fleet the flagship was in. Parameters and distribution were hidden.

Beginning with the flagship fleet, the computer society’s units had been assigned the personal names <Dies Irae>, <Equinox>, <Lupercalia>, <Blindness>, and <Muspelheim>.

Their naming sense was brazen enough to give me the impression that their baffling efforts were misdirected, to say the least. It soon became clear that I wasn’t the only one who had no interest in the origin of those names.

“It’s too much effort to remember their names, so we’ll call them A, B, C, D, and E from left to right. The flagship fleet is A.”

Haruhi instantly changed the code names for the enemy armada, as she clearly had no plans to remember those vainglorious names. I wished she would forget about the <Kyon Fleet> under my command while she was at it.

“It’s almost time. Listen up, everyone. We’re in it to win. This is only the beginning. The computer society is not our only enemy. We must eliminate all obstacles so the SOS Brigade will be known in the far reaches of the universe. Eventually, I’ll negotiate with the Department of Education to create chapters of the SOS Brigade in every public high school. One must have ambition.”

I have no idea how everybody interpreted Haruhi’s megalomaniacal manifesto, but Koizumi merely brushed his thumb across his lips while Asahina tugged at the sleeve of her maid outfit and Nagato’s eyebrows may have twitched.

“Well, it’s impossible for us to lose. But even if we’ve all but won already, nobody is allowed to hold back! A halfhearted victory would only be an insult to our opponent. We must crush them.”

I’ve always wondered what this confidence of hers is made of. Two milligrams will do, so share some with me.

“Really? Want me to inject a bit into you?”

I had no idea what was going on as Haruhi suddenly glared at me. Don’t stare at me with such a serious look on your face. It’s not like a winning lottery ticket is going to pop out of my mouth.

After ten seconds or so of this bizarre ritual, I was forced to avert my eyes.

“Well? Didn’t that help?”

Haruhi had a pleased smile on her face. What effect was staring at me supposed to have?

“I focused energy into my stare to send to you. Don’t you feel your body getting all warm or going through accelerated perspiration? Yeah, this is what I’ll do the next time I spot someone who’s looking down.”

Please don’t glare at random people on a crowded street. In my mind I ran a simulation of having to run away from a gang of thugs after Haruhi’s attempt to inject energy was mistaken for a challenge.

“It’s almost time to start.”

Koizumi’s amused voice drew my eyes back to the computer screen. Asahina was the only person showing any signs of nervous strain as she murmured to herself in an anxious voice.

“…What to do? I don’t think I can do this.”

You don’t need to get so serious about a game where there aren’t any casualties. And if there are any casualties, they’ll be limited to a few monitors that were the victims of a nasty temper.

We can only pray that Haruhi won’t be so mad about losing that she throws the computer out the window.

1600 hours.

The fanfare that signaled the commencement of hostilities played and so began the battle over ownership of a computer.

Here was the initial strategy of the <SOS Empire> forces.

The <Yuki Fleet> was in the vanguard, flanked by the <Koizumi Fleet> and the <Kyon Fleet>, with the <Mikuru Fleet> and the <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> bringing up the rear.

—That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Haruhi couldn’t be bothered to dispatch scout vessels, as she was only focused on destroying the enemy armada. It was clear that she wouldn’t be any help until we encountered enemies.

And then we had Asahina, who wasn’t going to be any help

period. We’d dumped everybody else’s supply vessels on her, which meant that the triangle representing the <Mikuru Fleet> unit was somewhat larger than everybody else’s. This also meant that her fleet was slower than everyone else’s, so I gave her the order to take the most logical course of action and run away the second she was about to get caught up in a skirmish. Pretty obvious.

I should mention that Haruhi’s fleet had been set to the parameters [Speed · 20], [Defense · 60], [Attack · 20]. Basically, we would lose the instant her units were destroyed, so we had no choice but to prioritize defense. The plan was for the combatants—Nagato, Koizumi, and me, who were running 33, 33, 34, a balanced distribution—to fight on the front lines while Haruhi chilled in the back to buy us time. But the second I took my eyes off her, we ended up in the situation at the start of this story, where she kept trying to charge ahead.

And now, as I mentioned briefly in the beginning, the simulation game between the computer society and the SOS Brigade was about to see its first combat.

“Fine, then. I’ll stay back for now, so you better beat the crap out of our opponents. Mikuru, you can watch the show with me.”

“Oh…you’re right.”

Asahina nodded meekly from her position on my left before whispering softly to me in a sweet and breathy voice.

“Please do your best, Kyon.”

Her words of encouragement were enough to spur me into a hundred different ways of exerting myself. If the flagship fleet in our armada had been the <Mikuru Fleet>, I would have been more than happy to eat every missile that came her way. Unfortunately, I was obligated to serve a tyrannical despot who would have been the first warlord to start a revolt during the feudal period. It’s too bad that this game doesn’t come with the option to switch sides. I don’t have a choice. I can only focus on dealing with the enemies before me.

1615 hours.

Nagato was beating on her keyboard. Her fingers were moving too fast to see, literally. It appeared that she didn’t intend to waste any time on a bulky peripheral device such as a mouse. At some point Nagato had written her own macros for <The Day of Sagittarius 3> that allowed her to directly command her fleet through keyboard inputs. As a result the <Yuki Fleet> was battling as furiously as the great general Belisarius under Emperor Justinian’s Byzantine Empire. However, she was seriously outnumbered.

We were only able to field three individual units—the <Yuki Fleet>, the <Koizumi Fleet>, and the <Kyon Fleet>—in battle, while the enemy had four fleets out and about, with the exception of <Dies Irae> (Enemy A). If there’s one thing that history has taught us, it’s this. Wars are won by numbers. If we’re starting at a numerical disadvantage of three against four, our chances of enjoying a post-victory champagne fight are slim. Still, it wouldn’t do to throw Haruhi and Asahina into the fray. That would only make it easier for our opponents to slaughter the entire armada in one fell swoop.

“The enemy appears to be using a vee formation in an attempt to draw us out.”

Chief Officer Koizumi was whispering into my ear.

“The enemy formation is designed to trap us if we pursue. I would suggest we hold our positions and follow a defensive strategy.”

Makes sense, sure. I’m fine with it, but what will Haruhi say?

Besides.

I looked over Asahina’s head to sneak a glance at Intelligence Officer Nagato’s distinct profile.

I wasn’t sure why. However, oddly enough, Nagato appeared to be asserting herself in a way I’d never seen before. Though the game had just started and her expression was neutral as always, the units of <Yuki Fleet> were already very active, moving around the screen and clearing operational objectives. What was it about <The Day of Sagittarius 3> that stirred Nagato’s heart so?

Nagato hadn’t been lying when she said that she was going to analyze this game. The alien artificial humanoid who could be classified as apathy incarnate knew every last detail about the computer society’s original game. It was possible that she knew more about it than the people who actually made it. From her perspective, the computers found in modern Earth civilization might as well be a pre–Industrial Revolution relic from an assembly line. Using them was like twisting the arm of a baby.

Still, I had to wonder why the glint in Nagato’s eyes had shifted from listless black to glittering silver.

Nagato was displaying extraordinary determination as she pounded away at the keyboard relentlessly as though this were a typing game. Her eyes were constantly darting around the screen, as she’d ditched the handy GUI for a small console in the corner of the screen. She typed in commands at finger-breaking speed.

“…”

The <Yuki Fleet> was constantly changing position and deploying scout vessels in a sweeping effort to locate the advancing enemy. Despite that, the only enemies located so far were <Enemy B> and <Enemy C>, the two fleets positioned right in front of our imperial armada. Nagato was engaged in a skirmish with those two fleets while holding the front line by herself. No time to stand around. Need to back her up.

And with that I set the <Kyon Fleet> into motion, which was when I suddenly found myself caught in a rain of beams from the side.

“The hell?” I blurted.

“Whoa there,” Koizumi remarked.

I looked to see that his <Koizumi Fleet> was also being bombarded from the port side. <Enemy D> and <Enemy E> had practically come out of nowhere to flank Koizumi and me from both sides. The counter for the number of vessels in my <Kyon Fleet> was shrinking rapidly.

“What are you doing?!”

Haruhi yelled at me through her yellow megaphone.

“Fire back at them already! Counterattack!”

Don’t need you to tell me that. These guys were clearly experienced enough to sneak past Nagato’s network of scouts, but that didn’t mean we were going to just lie down and surrender.

I ordered my <Kyon Fleet> to change directions and turn ninety degrees to starboard. Then I waited for the enemy to come into range of my weapons before opening fire with everything—but in that very moment <Enemy E> made a prompt U-turn and disappeared into the dark reaches of space. I was pretty pissed, so I sent a scout vessel in pursuit, but I wasn’t able to find any trace of them.

“Damn, they got away.”

It looked as if they were using a hit-and-run strategy with fleets that had their Speed parameters jacked up. <Enemy D>, which had been attacking the <Koizumi Fleet> from the starboard side, also disappeared with the same timing. I see. <B> and <C>, skirmishing with the <Yuki Fleet>, were merely a diversion while <D> and <E> were their main force. And their flagship fleet, <Enemy A>, was hiding somewhere and not even participating in the battle. That was their plan.

“Eep, I’m scared!”

Asahina had managed to clumsily send her own fleet into the corner of the screen. If she gets too far away from us, we’ll lose our supply line and end up without any functioning weapons, but at this rate the battle will be finished before we even get a chance to worry about running out of energy or missiles. The <Computer Society Federation> has held the initiative the entire time.

After that, the flankers <Enemy D> and <Enemy E> continued to harass <Kyon Fleet> and <Koizumi Fleet> like stray dogs who keep returning around dinnertime after tasting leftovers once. If we tried to pursue, they would launch a bunch of homing missiles before escaping, which was a rather frustrating tactic that left us to flounder around. They were trying to whittle down our forces while avoiding a direct confrontation. Exactly what Haruhi hated the most.

Meanwhile, <Yuki Fleet> continued to advance alone by deftly eluding the wave of attacks from <Enemy B> and <Enemy C> while executing a probing counterattack with effective results. If it weren’t for her fleet, the rest of us would be reduced to bits of interstellar matter floating in the void of space. Even if we lose, she deserves an award for bravery.

“…”

It looked like Nagato wasn’t even breathing as she stared at her monitor. Her abuse of the keyboard didn’t stop for a single moment. The computer society guys must have been surprised, since I was surprised myself.

Had to wonder if Haruhi’s hatred of losing had spread to Nagato.

1630 hours.

We were bogged down in a stalemate now.

The computer society had realized that it would be difficult to deal with the vanguard <Yuki Fleet>, so <Enemy B> was left to focus on Nagato while the three other fleets, with the exception of their flagship fleet, <Enemy A>, whose whereabouts were still unknown, began attacking us from both sides alternately in interval waves. I had to be impressed by the level of coordination displayed by <C>, <D>, and <E>. When we turned our attention to <C>, <D> would strike from the opposite side. Once we switched to pursue <D>, <E> would suddenly pop out from a third direction to fire its beams at us. This was about as much fun as playing a fighting game against an experienced pro who didn’t know how to hold back. I would ask them to go easy on us, but there were multiple computers riding on this match.

However, the situation was considerably dire. As mentioned before, I’d put our chances of winning at less than 10 percent, but I still expected there to be a good show, at least. Fire at one another like crazy before exploding in a giant fireball, or the whole, “We lost but we put up a good fight so everything’s okay” kind of thing.

But instead we have this painful battle of attrition.

“I can’t take this any longer.”

I suppose I should have seen this coming. Haruhi finally snapped and began to rattle off simple and clear orders to the flagship fleet under her command.

“All ships full speed ahead! Kyon, get out of my way! I’m going to find the enemy boss and beat him to a pulp!”

<Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> attempted to cut between <Kyon Fleet> and <Koizumi Fleet>, but Koizumi and I moved to-gether instantly like a school of small fish to stop her advance.

“What are you doing?! Koizumi, you’re also going to interfere with my magnificent battle? Just get out of my way. I’ll relieve you of your position as chief officer.”

“That would be problematic.”

Koizumi made no move to shift his fleet from its position blocking Haruhi’s path.

“Your Excellency, please allow us to handle this. I, your humble servant, vow to protect Your Excellency until the moment I’ve drawn my last breath. You are free to dispose of me as you wish once the battle is over.”

“Right.”

I backed Koizumi up.

“If you want to improve our chances of winning, stay back. We haven’t found the enemy flagship yet.”

“So I’ll go find him, then. He’s probably somewhere around”—she pointed at the edge of her monitor, which we couldn’t see—“here, so we’ll head straight there. And then we fellow bigwigs will have it out mano a mano!”

I couldn’t tell where she planned on heading, but <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> wouldn’t have a chance to get there before she was torn apart like a beehive attacked by a bear about to go into hibernation.

Haruhi continued to push her fleet up as she thrust with the hand that was clutching her mouse.

“Nothing will change if we just sit around. I’ve been watching your pathetic attempts this whole time. Your <Kyon Fleet> keeps letting the enemy get away. And you’ve been losing forces in the process. Looks like I need to take charge.”

“Could you stop that?”

I was busy using my fleet to block our flagship fleet’s path while Koizumi happened to be doing the same thing on the other side. The three fleets from the <Computer Society Federation> may have noticed as they continued their successive hit-and-run attacks. Asahina had gotten her <Mikuru Fleet> completely lost in the void of space long ago.

“Where am I? Ah, I can’t tell right from left now.”

Asahina, sitting to my right, was close to tears as she looked between her screen and mine.

“Where did everyone go?”

Yes, I’m very sorry. Asahina, I can only say that you are free to wander wherever you please.

<Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> was practically tailgating <Kyon Fleet>, so I couldn’t move at all. Since I had essentially become Haruhi’s shield, the unrelenting enemy attack was whittling down the triangle that represented my unit.

“Outta the way!”

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The heartless <Koizumi Fleet> had made its withdrawal before Haruhi could rear-end him and was now exchanging fire with <Enemy D>, feigning ignorance. You’re going to make me hold Haruhi back by myself?

“Damn.”

I clicked the left mouse button furiously while moving the pointer around the screen randomly in an attempt to free my fleet from the <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>. The triangle for <Kyon Fleet> was noticeably smaller as it changed directions at the speed of a slug on a stroll. And during this time the enemy had a lock on my fleet and was firing beams and missiles like crazy.

We’ve lost.

I want to make it clear that I had no choice but to surrender at this point. With this girl as our commander, any chance of victory we’d had was long gone. An organization cannot operate smoothly without a composed leader at the top, and this applies to pretty much everything in life. I mean, I’m not entirely sure, but isn’t that how it works?

As I bickered with Haruhi in both the real world and the virtual world, there was one SOS Brigade member with a firm grasp of the situation who stayed calm and continued playing the game.

—Or so I thought.

I finally realized this wasn’t the case when I noticed the fingers of the brigade member sitting at the end of the table accelerating to a speed so fast that you’d have to record her with a high-sensitivity camera and play the footage back in slow motion to see what was going on.

It was Haruhi’s duty and exclusive right to build up frustration to the point where she exploded. But this time, that didn’t seem to be true.

The most excited person in the room at the moment was our SOS Brigade’s knowledgeable intelligence officer and book-loving literary club member—

“…”

—Yuki Nagato.

1635 hours.

“Wha?”

I couldn’t believe the sudden activity on my monitor as a foolish-sounding yelp escaped my lips.

“The hell is this?”

The forces of the <SOS Empire> now had a field of vision that was three times larger than it had been a moment ago. We could even see the current positions of the ever-elusive enemies <C>, <D>, and <E>. One was on the left wing taking aim at Koizumi’s unit. One was in the process of turning around after making its escape. One was advancing on the entangled <Kyon Fleet> and <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>. Still, my focus was on the reason we were now able to see these enemy movements…

<Yuki Fleet> had split into twenty units.

“Well, well.”

Koizumi’s admiration sounded hollow to me.

“Nagato never ceases to amaze me. She actually picked up on this feature. I also considered using it at one point, but it was so complex that I abandoned the idea in the draft stage.”

“Wait, Koizumi,” I said. “Was this in the instruction manual?”

“It was. In the very back. I can teach you how it works. First, you press and hold the Ctrl key and F4 key while using the numpad to enter how many units you want to divide your fleet into—”

“No, that’s enough. I’m not going to bother with it.”

I looked back at the monitor.

The triangle corresponding to the <Yuki Fleet> had shriveled up like it’d been hit by some kind of shrink ray. Instead, I guess, there were twenty of those smaller triangles. I tried clicking one with the mouse pointer and the caption <Yuki Fleet 12> came up.

Micromanagement?

Of the little triangles numbered 01 through 20, some were continuing to exchange fire with <Enemy B>, some were threading the gaps in the enemy fleet to explore the unmapped area of space, and some had turned around to assist the hard-pressed <Kyon Fleet>.

Koizumi, explain this.

“Well, you see…We’re allowed to divide our fleet into two or more groups and control them separately. Up to a maximum of twenty, I believe. That’s what it said in the instruction manual.”

“How does that help?”

“As you can see, our scouting capacity has improved significantly, since we’ve essentially added an additional twenty pairs of eyes. And there’s more. For instance, by dividing your fleet into two groups, one can serve as a decoy while the other circles behind the enemy. However, the disadvantages trump the advantages, so the computer society chose not to employ this tactic.”

Koizumi drew his face near mine as he whispered in a voice that Haruhi couldn’t hear.

“This method requires one person to control multiple units. When you focus on one unit, the others are sitting around like wooden dolls. Thus, controlling twenty of these groups at the same time is beyond human ability.”

I pictured the flabbergasted looks on the faces of the residents in the room next door as I looked to my side.

“Hey, Naga—”

The staccato beat of Nagato’s pounding away at the keyboard with her fingers had elevated from a noisy clatter…to a roaring rumble.

“U-um…If you hit it so hard, it’ll break…”

Asahina offered a timid warning, but Nagato didn’t even give her a glance. I followed her gaze to discover that there wasn’t even a game window on her laptop screen. Instead there were a bunch of white characters on a black background, looking something like a BIOS setup menu on one of those ancient computers. And the text was scrolling by incredibly fast.

“Yes?”

Nagato didn’t even look at me as she questioned my gaze.

“…Yeah.”

Uh, Miss Nagato? What exactly might you be doing?

There was so much psychological pressure from the sight of Nagato beating away at the keyboard that my mental ramblings were forced to take a more respectful tone.

I took a quick glance at my own monitor to confirm that the twenty <Yuki Fleet> offspring were dancing around animatedly like tea stalks brought to life as they trifled with the enemy. There was no longer the issue of being unable to see the map…er, wait. I’m pretty sure I told you not to cheat.

“I am not.”

Nagato murmured in a neutral tone. Then she finally turned to look at me for the first time, though her fingers never missed a beat.

“No special data manipulation is occurring. I am abiding by the set rules.”

Asahina was leaning her small frame back in an apparent attempt to avoid Nagato’s gaze. Nagato continued to stare into my eyes.

“I have not taken any action that is not allowed by this simulation program.”

“R-really? Sorry about that, then.”

I could sense this terrifying aura emanating from her short hair.

However, the expression on Nagato’s face was as inorganic as always, so I was expecting her usual “Yes” followed by utter silence, but this time she continued speaking.

An indictment of the enemy.

“The actions of the computer society are what would be considered cheating.”

At that moment Haruhi managed to successfully disengage her units from the units of <Kyon Fleet>.

“So slow! Why am I slow? Will it speed up if I pour an energy drink on the computer?”

It was clear that she was engrossed in jaunting up to the front lines with her fleet.

I leaned over Asahina to whisper my question to Nagato.

“What do you mean when you say that they’re cheating?”

Nagato didn’t let up on her high-speed blind typing for a second as she gave her detached reply.

“They are utilizing commands that do not exist on our computers, which afford them an advantage in this simulated space battle.”

“What do you mean?”

Nagato fell silent for a moment and blinked as though she were collecting her thoughts.

“Their fog of war is off.”

A murmur that was elaborated on in the same soft tone.

According to her explanation, the “fog of war” had been turned off for the computer society at the beginning of the game. Naturally, there was no such convenient option in our version. I don’t even know what the difference would be, though. What does this mean?

“With the fog of war on, players are obligated to scout the map. When the fog of war is off, that is no longer required. They have minimized their scouting efforts as they have become unnecessary.”

Uh, so what does that even mean?

“With the fog of war off, all areas of the map are illuminated.” Meaning…

“The entire map, including our positions, was visible from the beginning.”

That was easy to understand, for a Nagato explanation.

“That is not all.”

The stony-faced alien-made life-form continued her spiel in an indifferent voice.

Based on what she said, the <Computer Society Federation> fleets were equipped with a warp function. That would explain how they were able to pop up at the perfect time. They had a five-hundred-year jump on the <SOS Empire> in terms of technology. It’d be like pitting infantry from the Warring States period against the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force 7th Division. We never had a chance to win, huh?

“Yes.”

Nagato confirmed my suspicion.

“Defeat was our only option.”

Was, huh? Past tense. So? What about now? I was hoping that she’d reiterate that sentence in the present tense, but the sight of faint emotion stirring in Nagato’s black eyes for the first time ever left me scratching my head a bit.

“But you know, Nagato. I would prefer that you don’t use your alien powers. I understand that they pulled a fast one on us. Still, if we use that as a reason to use further bogus magic, that’ll make us no better than them. No, we’d be below them. Since your tricks break the physical laws of this planet.”

“I am not disobeying your instructions.”

Nagato’s reply came instantly.

“I only wish to apply alterations to the program that conform to the current level of technology on Earth. No modifications will be made to the union of data in known space. Countermeasures will be implemented against the computer society. Permission?”

Are you talking to me?

“You are the one who set restrictions on my data-processing capabilities.”

…

It’s been half a year since we first met. I don’t mean to brag, but over the past six months I’ve become competent enough to pick up on the slight emotional changes—assuming that she’s even capable of feeling emotion—behind that taciturn mask of hers. Right now, Nagato’s pale face was clearly showing a picogram’s worth of determination.

Asahina was gaping at me in surprise. Koizumi’s eyes were also on me, but he had a wry smile on his face. Haruhi was the only one yelling by herself while unloading her beams and missiles. At this rate she would run out of ammunition in the middle of the enemy formation. There wasn’t much time left for me to make up my mind.

How do I respond?…That question only required a few seconds of deliberation. Nagato was eager to do this. This was the first time I’d ever seen her like this. I couldn’t help but feel that this was a good sign. An organic android created by the Data Overmind that was identical in every way to an ordinary human. It was possible that she’d developed the cliché robot desire to become a human.

And I didn’t see any problem with that.

“Okay, Nagato. Go for it.”

I gave her a smile of encouragement as I issued my figurative seal of approval.

“You’re free to do whatever you want, as long as it’s within human capability. Deal the computer society a crushing blow. End this the way Haruhi would want, so they never come back to complain again.”

Nagato stared at me for a long time. At least, it felt like a long time to me.

“Yes.”

And with that exceedingly short response, Nagato hit the Enter key and just like that, the tables were instantly turned.

1647 hours.

A cunning trap had already been placed.

I was left dumbfounded by how abruptly everything was happening, which only served to show that my capacity for surprise was on the same level as that of little boys, training to be monks, who were still wet behind the ears. Our opponents from the computer society were probably panicking like Wall Street on the second day of the Great Depression.

Everything came as a result of Nagato’s micromanagement technique. Good thing she’s on our side. I should probably make her an offering or two out of my own pocket. If I happen to see a book that looks interesting, I’ll buy it for her as a present. Come to think of it, when would her birthday even be?

Well, I can think about that stuff later. For now, I’ll return to my commentary on the current situation.

The enemy fleets had stopped in their tracks in a virtual visualization of the confusion the opposing players felt.

Nagato had used her laptop to hack into the five computers of the computer society and directly tweak the program they were running. Don’t ask me how she did it. I wouldn’t know. In any case, her objective was to turn on our opponents’ fog of war. As a result, the <Computer Society Federation> had its visibility reduced significantly. Its screens would be a lot darker now, since it never had any need to send out scout vessels, and in fact hadn’t done so, according to our intelligence officer.

Nagato had also rewritten the source code for <Computer Society Federation>’s program so its fog of war would be locked in the “on” setting and added a layer of protection that prevented anyone else from changing the code again. However, she didn’t delete its warp function. Instead, she made some slight adjustments and left it intact. Part of the scheme Nagato had devised.

All of this was done while she deftly micromanaged twenty separate groups without the assistance of any alien powers, so the fact that she was under the constraints of an ordinary human didn’t stop her from putting on a phenomenal performance.

“Well, our chance has finally come.”

Koizumi smiled cheerfully as he narrated the situation on the screen.

“Take a look. <Enemy C> and <Enemy D> have lost sight of our position because of the interference from the numerous divisions of <Yuki Fleet>. <Enemy E> is currently engaged in battle with me, and <Enemy B> will soon be in range of <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>.”

“Enemy found!”

Haruhi shouted with glee to confirm Koizumi’s commentary.

“Fire! Fire! Fire!”

Haruhi nearly banged her forehead on the monitor as she bellowed.

The liberated <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> launched a barrage of beams and missiles in every direction as she rushed toward the enemy fleet. The befuddled <Enemy B> quickly turned to escape, but my <Kyon Fleet> was already waiting for him on the other side.

“Here you go.”

One slight motion by my finger sent all my beams shooting into the nose of <Enemy B>.

“Hey, Kyon! Those are mine! Let me have them!”

The formation of the surrounded <Enemy B> instantly fell apart. The quivering <Enemy B> unit indicator eventually blew up with a small beep. One down.

Haruhi set off in search of another target as she moved her fleet, the mobile fireworks dispenser, to <Enemy E>’s flank next. <Enemy E> was already engaged with Koizumi and the addition of a second fleet to deal with led to its numbers’ being whittled down quickly.

With the situation quickly worsening, <Enemy E> must have decided that he was out of options. He finally resorted to using their secret command in plain sight of <SOS Empire> forces for the first time in this match.

“Ah, he disappeared! Huh? How?”

Haruhi cried out and I knew that it was finally time. <Enemy E> vanished from its previous position in space, which was in the middle of a crossfire.

Must be that warp thing. They should have come up with a better name. “Warp” is such an outdated term.

However, this was the core of Nagato’s crafty trap.

“Huh? Something else is appearing.”

I listened to the sound of Haruhi’s voice, as I’d already stopped.

“Eek?!”

An adorable-sounding shriek escaped Asahina as she blinked at the monitor.

“Kyon, the one I was controlling just went off somewhere…”

<Enemy E> wasn’t the only one to warp. The <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet> was left alone while every vessel, friend and foe, was teleported through space.

Nagato had altered the program so that when a computer society fleet activated the warp function, all units on both sides, with the exception of the <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>, would be simultaneously entered in a compulsory warp that sent each fleet to a designated position on the map.

An eye for an eye, a cheat for a cheat. As long as you don’t go overboard.

The shock being experienced next door would put the jolt from the fog of war’s being turned on to shame. For the first time I was able to see the computer society flagship fleet, <Enemy A> (Dies something), on the screen. Once I saw his position, I had to shrug.

“Karma’s a bitch.”

The president’s <Enemy A> was directly in front of the <Her Excellency☆Haruhi☆Fleet>.

Behind him at point-blank range was the unscathed <Mikuru Fleet>, which had been transported in a similar fashion. The <Koizumi Fleet> had taken a short warp to secure his starboard side while the <Yuki Fleet> had regrouped to handle the port side. The significantly smaller <Kyon Fleet> was standing by to the side. I looked to see where the other computer society members were, to discover that the other four fleets had been transported to the corners of the vast map. They won’t be able to make it back in time.

The full armada of the <SOS Empire> had the sole fleet of <Enemy A> completely surrounded.

“I don’t really get it.”

Haruhi smacked her lips as she waved an arm in the air.

“All ships fire everything you have! Let the enemy commander taste hellfire!”

And with that signal Haruhi, Koizumi, Nagato, and I all simultaneously fired every weapon in our fleets. Asahina, who started to tremble upon hearing Nagato say “Fire” in a cold voice, also made her first strike of the day as she joined in bombarding the completely surrounded <Enemy A>.

“I’m sorry…” Asahina murmured.

The computer society president was the one who had absolutely no idea what was going on. Since he’d been sitting in the back and watching the show when their fog of war cheat was disabled and he was suddenly warped into the middle of the enemy formation without ever touching a button.

“Good…”

Grief. I swallowed that last word. Koizumi smirked at me. I ignored him.

I turned my attention back to the screen to find that the president’s <Enemy A> fleet was squirming like an upside-down turtle as he was hit by a shower of short-range beams and a rain of missiles. Well, he deserved it this time. They were the ones who decided that they weren’t going to make things fair. Still, we can’t really criticize them when we have Yuki Nagato, whose very existence is unfair.

Nagato never let up on her rapid input of weapon fire commands until the very end. The <Enemy A> fleet unit counter was dropping as fast as the remaining ammo counter on an M61 Vulcan. The last remaining unit was taken out by a perfect snipe from the <Yuki Fleet> that was accurate to the last pixel, and that was the end of the enemy flagship.

A simple fanfare began to play as flashing words appeared on all five monitors to signal that the game was over.

YOU WIN!

1501 hours.

Ten minutes after the battle was concluded, someone knocked on the clubroom door.

The computer society members came staggering in, including the president, who was noticeably subdued.

“You got us. We were completely defeated. I’ll admit it. My apologies. I’m sorry. Please forgive us. We bow before you. We underestimated you. We were wrong. We were utterly destroyed.”

The president had his head bowed down in front of Haruhi as she looked down on him like he was a sundial. The members of the computer society were pale and visibly shaken as they endured Her Excellency Haruhi’s stern glare.

“I never would have thought that you’d be able to see through our trick so easily…I can’t deny that we used some underhanded methods. But still…I never expected someone to rewrite the game code while we were playing…Hard to believe…but it actually happened…”

The president was glancing around the room as though he were in a world of make-believe. Haruhi raised one eyebrow.

“What are you mumbling about? I don’t want to hear any excuses about why you lost. So, you remember your promise, right?”

She cheerfully wagged a finger in front of the president’s face. She was so happy about winning that she didn’t even care to question the bizarre way we won. As far as she was concerned, a win was a win.

“No more complaints, right? This computer belongs to me, and those laptops also belong to us. I won’t let you say that you forgot. If you do, I’ll make your life a living hell. Yes, I’ll start by penalizing you with ten laps around the grounds in the nude while screaming at the top of your lungs that you’re being chased by little green men.”

Haruhi’s outrageous babbling only served to make the computer society bunch hang their heads lower. Asahina stepped in, either out of pity or because she couldn’t bear the tension in the room.

“Ah…yes. Would you like some tea?”

The ever-considerate Asahina stood up and headed for the kettle. Koizumi looked amused as he took out a pack of paper cups from a pile of assorted crap. Nagato remained seated in her metal chair as she stared with humorless eyes at the subdued male students lined up in front of Haruhi.

Haruhi was giving some kind of impassioned speech when one of the members, the president, drifted over to me.

“Say,” he said in a thin voice. “Who was responsible for that feat? The amazing superhacker who could probably crack anything in the world?…Well, I can guess who it was…”

Nagato slowly looked up at me while the president looked at her.

Pretty obvious. An outsider could still tell that Nagato was the most likely candidate when brains were involved.

“I have a proposition.”

The president turned to Nagato.

“If you ever happen to have free time, would you be interested in participating in computer society activities? I mean, could you please?”

And now the guy’s trying to solicit her. Just a moment earlier, his eyes had been as dead as the eyes of a frozen Pacific saury that had been left under the sun for three days, and now they were full of life. Once a human hits rock bottom, his only choice is to fight back.

Nagato turned her face to the president before turning back to me with a slow, mechanical motion. She said nothing as she stared at me with a questioning glint in her dark glassy eyes.

“…”

What is this? Is she trying to communicate with me through telepathy? Or does she want me to make the decision for her? You can’t just give me a look (blank as it may be) and expect me to solve everything. The question was for you. You can make up your own mind. In fact, that’s what you’re supposed to do.

I followed Nagato’s lead as I attempted to silently beam my response to her.

“Hey, hey. What do you think you’re doing?”

Haruhi walked over to butt in.

“You don’t get to rent Yuki without my permission. Talk to me first.”

Uncanny hearing. She was actually listening to our conversation. Haruhi placed her hands on her hips as she struck a haughty pose that deserved commendation.

“Understood? She’s the SOS Brigade’s indispensable reticent character. I saw her first. You’re too late. She won’t be going anywhere!”

I’m pretty sure that you wanted the clubroom, not Nagato.

“Doesn’t matter! Yuki came with the clubroom. I refuse to give up anything in this room, even if it’s a can of soda without any fizz.”

Haruhi puffed up her sailor uniform–clad chest as she laid claim to everything in the room.

“Just hold on a sec.”

I interrupted Haruhi before pausing to think.

I considered myself to be a better judge of Nagato’s expressions than anybody else out there. After all, I actually met Nagato three years ago. True, she was able to completely avoid showing any emotion on her face, but I had come to realize that she still had feelings. There was that summer vacation in loop mode, and this game made it clear. Yes, just like that one time way back when I took her to the public library.

There had to be something out there that interested Nagato.

In fact, Nagato had been the most passionate one in our <The Day of Sagittarius 3> battle with the computer society, not Haruhi. She looked more enthusiastic when she was punching away at the keyboard than when she was reading books. I wasn’t sure if this was related to my ban on dirty tricks. Either way, it looked to me like she was somehow having fun as she pounded away at the keyboard. If she’d managed to find a new hobby to go along with reading difficult books, why stand in her way? It would be more gratifying for her to interact with other people and adapt to life at this school instead of sitting in the SOS Brigade hideout like a piece of furniture.

I’m sure that even Nagato would get tired of observing Haruhi all the time. An alien-made organic humanoid interface would still go for some recreation every now and then.

“Do what you want.”

Just this once, I took the president’s side.

“Did you enjoy playing with computers? In that case, you can go next door whenever you feel like playing with their computers. They’d probably appreciate it if you debugged their homemade games or something. They probably have better toys than the ones here.”

Nagato didn’t say anything, but I could notice a micron of movement in the expression on her face as she stared at me. She seemed to be seeking permission and guidance at the same time. I could sense a flicker of hesitation pass over Nagato’s black, candylike eyes.

It felt like she was taking forever, but in reality, it only took her as long as three blinks of the eye.

“…Yes.”

I didn’t get a chance to ask what she was saying yes to before Nagato nodded stiffly and looked up at the president before speaking in that same neutral tone.

“Every now and then.”

Haruhi was sulking, naturally.

“We were the ones who won, so why do I have to rent out one of my precious brigade members? This is going to cost you. Yes, a thousand yen per minute as a bare minimum.”

I’d be willing to pay a thousand yen a minute.

“Your Excellency.”

Koizumi had apparently finished his tea as he walked over with that trademark smile of his.

“A person of your station must on occasion afford the vanquished tribute for their efforts. A leader must not only be strong, but demonstrate that she can be magnanimous.”

“Huh? Really?”

Haruhi puckered her lips like a duckbill.

“Well, if Yuki’s okay with it…But! I’m not giving back the laptops. Oh, one more thing.”

She had apparently come up with a brilliant idea while she was talking. Haruhi shot the president a glare before smirking. Her face was certainly busy.

“Listen up. You people are the losers. You have to do whatever the victors tell you to do. This is war.”

She snatched a cup of tea (Karigane, was it?) from the tray Asahina had quietly brought over and gulped it down before continuing.

“All of you must pledge absolute fealty to me. Yep, I won’t treat you badly. I’m a fan of meritocracy. Depending on your performance, I may promote you to full brigade members. For instance…yes, I’ll work you hard when we declare all-out war on the student council. Until then, you’ll be junior brigade members.”

Don’t tell me that she’s planning on recruiting the entire student body into the SOS Brigade. However, Haruhi was too elated to pay any heed to my fears.

“Koizumi, prepare the treaty at once.”

“By your command, Your Excellency.”

Koizumi smiled like a custodial minister manipulating a young emperor before he began typing away on his newly acquired laptop.

The clubroom didn’t see much change over the next few days, just the addition of a few laptops that were completely wasted on us. Asahina was tidying up the place in her maid outfit while boiling water in the kettle on the portable gas stove. Koizumi was playing backgammon by himself. Nagato sat at the corner of the table reading. A brief moment of peace before Haruhi told us her next brilliant scheme.

As we savored this constant everyday SOS Brigade period after school, the book-loving alien would be absent on rare occasion. A few minutes after I noticed she was missing, she would pop back up and start reading again. As far as I was concerned, Nagato was the true master of this clubroom.

“…”

As I watched Nagato read a foreign mystery novel, I couldn’t notice anything different about her on the outside. On the inside…well, I wouldn’t know that.

Nagato was here, just as always. She would drift next door from time to time like a fickle breeze. That was enough.

“Kyon, here you go. I tried making Chinese tea this time. Hee hee…how is it?”

I accepted my personal teacup from the demurely smiling Asahina and slowly savored the tea, but my taste buds were unable to discern any difference from the other tea leaves she used before. She could serve wheatgrass juice and it would taste heavenly.

As I searched my vocabulary for the right words to express my thoughts to the eagerly waiting Asahina, I came to the conclusion that nothing weird would be happening for a while.

I wouldn’t realize how wrong that prediction was until a month later, halfway through December, with winter vacation and Christmas right around the corner.

It all became clear once Haruhi mysteriously disappeared.