Chapter 4.2: Human World

If only she had drunk the wine earlier. How could she even think of slipping away in such an occasion?

Why was Zheng Qiang focusing on her instead of others?

It was all her fault.

Her mind was in turmoil. She tried to convince herself to drink the sixth glass.

But after the sixth glass, her stomach churned violently. She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She covered her mouth and rushed to the restroom.

She retched violently in the restroom, hearing laughter from outside. She couldn’t tell who was laughing. The physiological pain and the indescribable humiliation surged up, causing her eyes to well up with tears.

She felt like a string snapping in her mind, as if it could break at any moment.

Something was boiling inside her, everything was on the verge of collapse.

She breathed lightly, hearing her phone ring.

She swiped the screen, answered the call, and then heard her mother’s sharp voice coming through the phone, “Where are you?”

The voice pierced her ears, causing them to ache. She leaned against the toilet seat, restraining all her emotions, and lied hoarsely, “I’m at home.”

“Home? Are you learning to lie to me now? I’m at your place right now. Where are you?” 

Huang Guifen had a spare key to their house, but she rarely went there.

Ye Sibei struggled to make sense of Huang Guifen’s words. The alcohol made it impossible for her to think. She felt like too many things were swirling in her mind, suffocating her.

She didn’t respond, but her mother, Huang Guifen, couldn’t stop talking. “Explain to me. Is it because you’re fooling around outside every day that Qin Nan wants a divorce? It’s so late, and you’re still not home. Is this how a woman should behave?”

“Mom, I’m at work.”

Ye Sibei felt exhausted. Something was gnawing at her from within. Unconsciously, she clasped one wrist with the other hand. “I’ll talk to you when I get back.”

“Work? What kind of work? You’re married now, and you don’t tell us anything anymore, right? Do you even consider me your mother? If your dad hadn’t heard from his employee at Qin Nan’s store that he hadn’t been home for a week, and if I hadn’t come to your place today and seen the divorce agreement, how long were you planning to hide it from us?! Do you know how significant a divorce is? Do you know what it means for a woman to get divorced?!”

Huang Guifen’s words felt like worms gnawing at her brain, crawling in and gnawing away, itching and painful.

Ye Sibei ran her hand through her hair, curling up in pain, listening to Huang Guifen’s scolding. “Do you know how hard it is to remarry after a divorce? You’re either not getting married at all or getting divorced after marriage. What does that count as? What will people say about us then? How will our neighbors see us? If you have no shame, do I still have any? Chu Chu and Nian Wen are about to get married soon. Don’t bring bad luck upon us. I’m telling you, I disagree with the divorce…”

“It’s not like I wanted to!”

Ye Sibei finally couldn’t hold back and burst out.

In an instant, as if countless things were rushing out, she trembled uncontrollably, unable to contain herself. “He’s the one who wants to divorce! He found out about me lending money to Nian Wen to buy a house, and he wants a divorce. What do you want me to do?! Do you want Ye Nian Wen to repay me the money? Do you want Zhao Chuchu and him not to get married?!”

“What’s the use of blaming me? Did I want this?”

Ye Sibei raised her voice in question. “Did I choose to live like this?!”

Huang Guifen fell silent. She seemed to be taken aback by Ye Sibei’s outburst. Ye Sibei realized her own loss of control, propped her head up, and composed herself, refraining from speaking further.

After a while, there was a knock on the door from outside, Zhao Chuchu’s voice.

“Sis?”

“I’m fine!” Ye Sibei replied hoarsely, pretending nothing was wrong.

After saying that, she turned back, lowered her voice, and quickly ended the conversation with Huang Guifen. “That’s it. I’ll talk to you when I get back after work tomorrow.”

“Okay…” Huang Guifen hesitated. “Come home early.”

“Yeah.”

Ye Sibei responded quickly, without hesitation, and ended the call with Huang Guifen.

She sat on the toilet, bowing her head for a while until Zhao Chuchu urged her again. She took a deep breath, straightened up, and went to open the door.

Zhao Chuchu breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her coming out. She looked her up and down, concerned, and asked, “Are you okay?”

“I feel better after throwing up.”

Ye Sibei leaned against the door, shaking her head. “It’s nothing serious.”

“That’s good then.”

Zhao Chuchu relaxed and supported her back to the private room.

By this time, the atmosphere was completely lively. Lights flickered in the private room, and everyone was drinking together.

The first glass of alcohol was the hardest to swallow, but once it was down, refusing the subsequent toasts became exceedingly difficult.

Ye Sibei tried her best to refuse all the drinks being passed to her, but if she didn’t drink, Zhao Chuchu had to intervene. Feeling guilty, she reluctantly drank two more glasses.

As the drinking continued, Zhao Chuchu remained sober while Ye Sibei began to feel a bit intoxicated. However, she felt her mind was clear; she knew what she was doing. She specifically grabbed Fan Jiancheng and asked him, “Fan Ge, you must make sure to safely take me and Chuchu back.”

“Don’t worry,” Fan Jiancheng nodded, “I’ll definitely make sure you both get back safely. Chuchu, take care of her. How did she end up like this? I’ll get her some water.”

Zhao Chuchu agreed and sat on the side under the pretext of taking care of Ye Sibei. Ye Sibei had never been this drunk before. She felt like she had a lot to say, things she shouldn’t say, but she couldn’t control herself, pulling someone aside and talking incessantly.

“My mom pressures me, Qin Nan pressures me, life pressures me, everyone pressures me. I don’t want anything anymore. I’ve given up everything. I just want everyone to live well. What did I do wrong?”

“Qin Nan says I shouldn’t end up like this, but I can’t control myself. I’m worthless; I can’t do anything right. What can I do?”

“I dreamed last night. I dreamt of when I was in high school. Back then, I felt so good about myself. I gave speeches at flag ceremonies, lots of people were watching, but I haven’t felt like that ever again in my life.”

“I really want to spend my life with him,” Ye Sibei cried, “I don’t know what liking or not liking feels like, I can’t feel it, but I really want to spend my life with him. Why is it so hard?”

“Have some water before we leave.”

Someone handed her water.

After drinking the water, the voices of Zheng Qiang disappeared from around them, and it seemed like the drinking session had ended. Ye Sibei and Zhao Chuchu helped each other out as they walked outside together.

Fan Jiancheng was waiting for them at the door. Ye Sibei opened the car door and got in with Zhao Chuchu.

Once in the car, she began to babble more and more incoherently, starting to express gratitude incessantly.

“Chuchu, thank you so much for always taking care of me. You and Nianwen should be happy. My life is nearing its end, and I don’t know how to live well anymore. You know, if you’re happy, then that’s enough.”

“Fan Ge, I’ve always wanted to thank you. Last year, if it weren’t for you telling the HR department to hire me, I would still be unemployed. People say I’m 26 years old, I should be getting married, having children, but I don’t have much work experience. I’ve been trying to pass the civil service exam for two years and still can’t, and I’m introverted, can’t speak well, and still a college student, aloof, no one likes me. Fan Ge, thank you, thank you for giving me a way out. I’m really, really grateful to you.”

As she spoke, she began to feel tired and couldn’t help but lean on Zhao Chuchu.

Feeling dizzy, she murmured against Zhao Chuchu, “Why is life so bitter? When does it ever end?”

“Sis,” she vaguely heard Zhao Chuchu’s voice, “the suffering in life never ends. All we can do is keep moving forward.”

“Keep moving forward.”

She heard these words somewhat dazedly, and vaguely felt Zhao Chuchu getting up. She lifted her head in a daze, watching Zhao Chuchu get out of the car, and Fan Jiancheng closed the door.

In her memory, the last scene was her leaning against the car window, opening her eyes, and watching the dim yellow streetlights shining through the glass, intermittently casting light into her eyes.

It was surreal, like a dream.