Prologue

Prologue

In the dream, I am fighting to guard my precious person. She is the last physicist in the world. With the loss of her brain, a part of our civilization or history will be tranquilly terminated. It is a sure interpretation. It is because the very worth of the humankind exists in her head. We are trying to fight against that.

We?

I mean, the two of us; I and she.

I never thought that there was any other human being in this world.

The two of us are running away through underground passages. We are trying to get away from the attacking enemies as far away from them as possible and are trying to survive together for so long as we can. We do not even have enough time to talk to each other. I have not had time for recalling the reason why we have gotten ourselves into this situation. I just ... I just want to do something for her, who is frightened. I cannot bear to hear her crying. The emotion proudly cries for its eternal pain more than any other remaining scars on my body do. I think I myself am ready to die at any time. In the first place, I have never been afraid of my death. If she were to be caught by the enemies, I would have committed suicide immediately without any hesitation.

Even so, I ask her why she is afraid to such an extent. With a really grim expression, she replies like this:

“That means I wouldn’t be able to be with you ... I’m afraid of being alone.”

Really.

Neither of us has been afraid of death.

To begin with, living itself is the possibility in which we might have to part with someone. Because we live, we feel fear. However, life and death never have the same meaning. I mean, when I die, I part even with myself. So, whom the dead body, or the shadow in this world, lives with or parts ways with is entirely meaningless.

With myself?

Who is myself?

Such a notion is the arrogance that a living being thinks.

It is an illusion that only a living one is deceived into imagining.

It is an irregular, fragmented, and literally desperate lie.

“What do you think if we die here together?”

In the middle of a dark underground passage, I speak of the proposition.

As expected, she easily accepts it. Rather than despair, I think of it as a far more familiar and more optimistic decision.

“Bye.” I say.

“Thanks.” She smiles.

I point the gun toward her head, and pull the trigger.

A single shot.

Gun smoke.

Sweet fragrance of gunpowder.

Then.

After I finish observing her slowly falling down.

I close my eyes and stop my breath.

Farewell, the eternity.

Hey, air. Hey, space.

Call my name, if you can call my name.

Recalling the textile pattern.

There is a small stain at the edge of mandala.

Swimming.

Dancing.

And, crawling.

In this way ..., I escape from the dream.

Since I know the way to awake myself from a dream, I sometimes use the method. I have to be aware of the fact that I am in a dream. It is the condition. Each time I want to escape, it is always a dream. That is very convenient for me. I have never thought so in my real life. Probably, she must have known the same method. A moment before she was shot by me, she might have escaped. It is only my wish, though ...

Even after I wake up, she remains in my mind for a short while. It is not her figure, her voice, or her scent. It is her existence itself. So, it cannot be reduced to words or signals. Therefore, it is dispersed rapidly and starts to fade away. Even so, it is wonderful dissipation, compared to the ridiculousness of containing the impressions within someone’s figure, voice, or scent.

My pulse is rapid, and I am sweating.

An imminent world is intruding before long. They have been considering my mind their residence.

In this unbelievably ridiculous reality, there is no enemy that would even try to fight directly against my name. I do not have a physicist girlfriend. I have yet to love someone in person and to kill someone with my own hands.

Who am I?

I try to recall it.

The act of recalling itself is the proof of my curse.

I am a pilot, who has just been assigned here today.

Piloting a fighter plane is my job.

Therefore, I cannot say that I have never killed anyone indirectly. Yes, I have done it indirectly.

Almost all the differences in this world are about whether they are direct or indirect.

My breathing has calmed down a little.

I get up while throwing the blanket aside. I put my feet from the bed on the floor. I feel that my head is as heavy as mud. But, my body has stopped shivering already. The floor is sarcastically cold. I slip my feet into the shoes placed on the floor. I do not believe in a miracle in which my shoes are neatly placed at the right place when I wake up in the middle of the night. I feel strange about the fact that I always wake up in the same world. Or, are we added some sort of “augmentative procedure” with which we are forced into believing that we always wake up in the same world? Magical needles might have been implanted inside our bodies when we were born.

I stand up. The opaque-glass windows are dimly bright. The dawn seems to be approaching. I have been sleeping in a solid bunk bed and another man is sleeping on top of the same bunk bed. Although I cannot see his face, I can hear his regular breathing. I have not asked him his name. I need not ask what I will know sooner or later. He is much bigger than I am. I have yet to know what kind of human being he is. The situation in which I am sleeping this close to an unknown person right above me does not make me feel too comfortable. Obviously, it is a special situation. I guess many people cannot accept such a special condition like this. Luckily, I never mind such a matter. I can sleep anywhere and eat anything. That is about the only asset that I possess.

I occasionally wake up like this, and cannot go back to sleep afterwards. It is one of my malfunctions.

I hear a subtle, rhythmical sound. At first, I mistake that for the buzzing of an insect. If that is the case, then it is continuing for an unnaturally long time.

I stand up, put on a windbreaker, and get out of the room. I walk through a dark corridor, which looks like a muffler stained with carbon, and open a door leading to the courtyard. Despite its heavy weight, the door opens smoothly.

The air is chilly. It is comfortable for me, and appropriate for the night.

I can hear the sound a little more clearly. It sounds like a motor. Since I have forgotten to take a look at a clock in the room to see what time it is, I look up at the sky to observe the constellations that I am familiar with. Now, I know what time it is. This is the method that I learned in my childhood. I estimate that it is about 04:00 a.m.

While walking along a concrete wall, I find a dazzling light in the distance. It is from the direction of a hangar.

I get closer to it a little more. The shutter is partially raised to make it half open. It is the backside of the hangar, which appears to be used as a carry-in delivery entrance for trucks. The light is leaking from the opening.

I bend my body to pass under the shutter and get inside. The hangar is very huge. Only the part near the entrance is bright, whereas the most other parts of the facility are dominated by the monstrous darkness. The ceiling is as dark as the night sky and high above the floor as well, while the ceiling is only different from the night sky in a way that it is starless.

A lamp and a spotlight. I figure out that the motor sound is coming from a compressor placed nearby a wall. At the brightest part of the room, a man is standing. He is wearing a white, oil-stained jumpsuit, and is holding a ratcheting socket wrench in his hand. He is also wearing goggles, probably for welding. In front of him, a straight-eight engine is suspended in the air with the support from a chain hoist and a crane. Is he in the middle of the process of putting it down? Or, has he just lifted it up? Although a cart is on the floor, the engine is not on it yet. The nearest aircraft is about 10 meters away from us, into the deeper part of the hangar. Its cowling is already removed and the engine compartment at the rear-end is exposed. Its frame, punched with circular holes, is reflecting the dull light. It appears that the engine of the aircraft has been unloaded.

As I am approaching the plane, he finally notices me.

“Hey, good morning.” He smiles gently while lifting the goggles upward. He is still looking young.

“Have you been working all night?” I ask.

“Do I know you?”

“I was just assigned to this post yesterday.”

“Oh, then, this is the one you will get on.”

“Is this mine?” Again, I take a look at the aircraft in the deeper part of the hangar.

The man lifts the goggles all the way to his forehead, and gazes at me. Then, he searches the pocket of his jumpsuit, picks up a cigarette, and lights it by striking a match.

“Smoking is not allowed here, is it?” I ask. I can smell gasoline in the vicinity.

“Do you like aluminum?” He speaks, after exhaling the smoke with vigor. “It’s thoroughly persistent. Despite the property, it melts easily.”

“It’s a type of alloy, correct?”

“Even though it becomes an alloy, its twisted characteristic stays the same.” He grins. I can see his white front teeth.

“By the way ..., umm, what are you doing now?” I ask him an important question. I should have the right to ask him anything about the plane that I am assigned to aviate, I think.

“You may not want to ask that.”

“What do you mean?”

“You sometimes gain the advantage when you do not know your limit.”

“I wonder how having any advantage at times can possibly help me ...” I laugh.

“I mean, you can free yourself from the burden. Isn’t it true?”

“Freeing myself? Even if that is the case, I see no point to that. It is not that I run a marathon or participate in some sports like that.” I say jokingly, adding a little friendliness to the tone.

“Acts of killing, right?” He exhales the smoke.

“No ..., it’s just my job.”

“Killing is a job for the assassin, you say?”

“Yeah ...” I take a look at a container nearby, just so that I can take my eyes off from him. “May I sit down here?”

“It’s not under my jurisdiction.” He looks sideways at me and nods.

“Whose jurisdiction?”

“The jurisdiction of the one who wants to sit down on it.”

“What kind of person is the boss of this facility?”

“I think you should go back to your room soon to get more sleep. In short, I mean ... You know, my advice.”

“Thanks. You look like you are repairing the engine, though ... Am I not right?” I ask him, while sitting down, “What’s the problem? I think I should learn that from you.”

“Well, I’m not sure.”

“Please provide me with information.”

“Have you ever experienced the aviation of aircrafts that are of the same type as this one?”

“Several times, even though they were not armed with weapons.” I answer.

Its type was Sanka Mark B. The latest model, Mark D is scheduled to enter the service shortly. I have had some experiences of aviating the unarmed versions for test flights and scouting missions. I do not remember it too well. I mean, I remember the feel of the airplane very well, but do not recall specifically the missions I had to accomplish. If my memory is correct, it was when I belonged to the previous company.

“Do you know by how much it can be loaded with?”

“My guess is that it is 35 percent.”

“Thirty.”

It is the weight ratio of weapons and ammunition to the entire aircraft.

“It’s heavy.” I utter.

“It just lacks the power. This engine can’t generate more power than that. It does not work well at around 6,000, the crucial value.”

“It is the problem of engine breathing, isn’t it?”

“It’s because the intake route switches over. That’s not a problem if you know it.”

“I have enough experience to know that. I know the secret technique of closing the throttle once at that moment.”

“Hey, who told you that?”

I do not answer the question. The one who taught me that is a very precious being for me. I have made a vow to speak the name only when I see the one, face to face.

“Everyone should know that.” I reply abruptly.

“Right. All of those who are alive know that. If they do not know that, then they are not alive now.” He is not smiling.

“Then, what are you repairing?” I am getting back to where we were a moment ago.

“I am making the engine actually breathe in the middle of its breathing problem.” He smiles again, while showing his white teeth. “Here.” He points at the side of the valve. “I am making sure that, at the very moment of the switching over of the intake route, the pressure is released through this hole. The intake is momentarily delayed. A simple modification. I mean, the secret technique you just mentioned a moment ago is now deemed unnecessary.”

“Aren’t you adding an unnecessary modification?” I become a bit worried.

“Hey ..., never close the throttle for the sake of solving the engine breathing issue. Thrust it up in a single burst.”

“Many have been killed by doing so.” I utter in a cold tone.

“Right. That is the reason why I have just modified the engine so that you won’t be beaten. Believe it.”

“Believe what?”

“Your luck.”

“I have never been beaten. I don’t need the modification. Could you please put it back to the original condition?”

“No. I have already punched the hole.”

I tut, and then sigh.

I have been having a bad hunch, as if I were becoming a seal stranded on a floe of drift ice.

In the first place, this assignment is not the one with the better workplace conditions and incentives. It is almost equivalent to being told that this is the place to die. Of course, I know the faces of the ones who want that to be the case for me. In addition, I do not think that I have made no mistake. I am reminded of the fact that all of my friends who had learned of my situation said nothing to me when they sent me off. They were taciturn like roots of an aged huge tree.

“Trust me. Give the engine the extra thrust in a moment expressly, when the nose of the aircraft is pitching upward.”

“Yeah,” I respond bluntly.

I will rarely experience such a situation.

More than that, when I am in the moment, the chance is that I will have forgotten all the advices. Words will die a moment before the human’s death.

However, I would probably rather have faith in his words than I believe in my own luck. I am thinking so at the time.