Episode 3: Fillet

Episode 3: Fillet

“Well,” he said, “you know how those things happen, Sybil. I was sitting there, playing. And you were nowhere in sight. And Sharon Lipschutz came over and sat down next to me. I couldn’t push her off, could I?”

This excerpt is from A Perfect Day for Bananafish, a short story included in Nine Stories (written by J. D. Salinger)

-1-

After taking a shower, I come back to my room with a towel on my head. I see a girl sitting on a chair there. She looks up at me, who is entering, and smiles. She looks to be about 10 years old. On her small white face, crescent-shaped eyes are lined up. One of her shoes with a ribbon appears from under her long skirt, which looks fluffy.

“Hello, may I ask your name?” The girl asks me.

I see Tokino, who is standing at an inclined angle with his back on a wall. He is intentionally looking upward.

“‘May I ask your name?’, that is.” Tokino says.

“Kannami.” I answer while facing the girl. I dry my hair with the towel. I am wearing a pair of trousers, luckily. But, my upper body is naked and I think I should put something on. I walk to the bed to look for clothes.

“Aren’t you asking anything about me?” She asks behind me.

“Who are you?” I ask it for her, as I thrust my head into the bunk bed.

I pull out a shirt and put my head through it. I should have done it after my hair dries up completely. Such a reluctant procedure irritates me a little.

After wearing the shirt, I dry my hair with the towel again. Finally, I can take a deep breath calmly. I take a box of cigarette from the desk, pick one up, and light it. Then, I sit on a chair nearby, and see the girl sitting at the center of the room.

She is glaring at me.

I see Tokino by the wall. Perhaps, I am showing him an awkward look in my face.

“‘May I ask your name?’, that is.” Tokino whispers, while sticking out his chin. He probably means I should ask her so properly.

“Umm, young girl, may I ask your name?” I ask her.

“You have to look straight into the eyes of the one you are talking to.”

“Sorry, I apologize.”

The girl smiles happily.

“It is Kannami, yes? What is your first name, Kannami?”

“Yuichi.”

“Yuichi.” She bites her lips, and fills her face with a smile. “I’m Mizuki Kusanagi.”

“Oh?” I am surprised, and quickly look at Tokino. He seems to be suppressing his laughter while putting his hand on his chin.

“Well, you mean, you’re that Kusanagi’s ...”

“Sister.” Mizuki Kusanagi answers.

“Oh ..., really.” I nod anyway.

“Nice to meet you, Yuichi.”

“Nice to meet you, too.”

“What is nice for you?”

“You just said so first.”

“In my case, being nice means becoming friends and talking with each other.”

“That is somewhat the case for me.”

While saying so, I observe her. Come to think of it, she is somewhat similar to Suito Kusanagi. The white hands at the end of her fragile thin arm are placed on her knees. Suddenly, she stops smiling and makes a facial expression as if she wants to tell others that she is a noble lady. It might be the face that she looks at into the mirror and practices how to generate.

She is keeping silent, because she is trying to test my ability to live up to the words I speak. I have to open the talk by bringing up a subject of conversation ...

“Why are you here?” I ask.

“Here?” Mizuki leans her head sideways.

“This room.”

“Oh ...” Mizuki opens her mouth a little, nods, and turns her eyes slightly diagonally. “Umm, the school is out. Then, I’m here to play with my elder sister ... But you know, I feel alone if I just wait for her by myself. I cried and begged my elder sister so that I can follow her, even though she tells me that I may not do so. I’m now exploring here, so that I do not have to end up disturbing my sister that way. By the way, I’m not afraid of men. In particular, of the men who aviate airplanes. That sort of feelings are, well ... umm ... how shall I put it ...”

“That sort of feelings do not spring up, you mean?” Tokino follows immediately.

“Yeah, that’s it.” She nods frankly.

While smoking the cigarette, I glance at Tokino. How can he expect her to say so in advance? I do not understand that at all. In the first place, I cannot comprehend the story behind her. At the same time, I feel that it is funny. But, if I laugh here, she will say that I am rude. I am focusing on keeping my face straight.

“Naofumi.” Mizuki looks sideways at Tokino. The profile is very similar to that of Suito Kusanagi. I can say that, especially the curves around the nose and chin are exactly alike. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

“What? Why?” Tokino gets his shoulder off the wall, and stands straight.

“I’m feeling awkward here. Hey, why don’t three of us try something joyful?”

I check my wristwatch. It is almost supper time.

“For example, what do you want?” Tokino walks to a sofa and sits down on it. As he approaches, the girl widens her eyes and swallows. Her eyes look as if she is looking at a lion in a circus.

“Well, yes ...” She blinks widely and bites her lips again. “Don’t you have a game or something like that?”

“Umm, no.” Tokino replies. “Kannami, what about you?”

“Me neither.” I shake my head sideways. Even a pack of playing cards is not in this room. “Shall we play marbles by flicking coins?”

“That is silly.” The girl frowns and looks at me.

“But ... Once we start that, I think it can be pretty entertaining.”

“What do you two usually do in this room? Don’t you play games together?” She looks at Tokino and me alternately, with a puzzled look.

Neither Tokino nor I answer the question. Speaking of which, I have not played games recently. At least as of late, I have not played catch, played a game of chess, betted on trivial things, or done anything like that. We have just been living here. When we have alcohol, no one gets drunk. Here, it is rare that someone laughs out loud.

“Even though you are a child?” The girl murmurs while pursing her lips.

-2-

Tokino hastily gets out of the room, while saying he is reminded of a work of having to call someone. I doubt what he has just said. Mizuki Kusanagi and I are left in this room alone. The atmosphere around us is gloomy enough to render me spellbound. In such a situation, I feel that the air would make creaking sounds as if it were transformed into many balloons.

“What shall we do?” She asks.

“Nothing in particular.” I reply.

“If I were not here, what would you do?”

“I would lie down on the bed and read a book, or do something like that.”

“In a situation like that, what would Naofumi be doing?”

“I’m not sure ...” I try to recall situations in our daily lives. “He is, you know, rarely in this room. My speculation is that he would drink beer in the lounge or he goes out to somewhere.”

“Hmm ...” Mizuki shows a slightly perplexed face, but nods. “Alright. Do that.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Why don’t you lie down on the bed and read a book?”

“What do you want to do?” I ask.

“I wanna talk to you, Yuichi.”

“You are talking to me.”

“Right ...” She makes a fabricated smile in a moment, and shrugs.

I cross my legs again. The girl straightens her back.

Silence prevails again.

Even if the entire room were treated quite roughly in this particular timing, it would have been carried to other places as is, without the interior being jammed and roughed up, or, in other words, without being damaged. I am imagining that is how securely packed with silence this room is.

It is getting a little hot. Probably because I have just taken a shower.

“Why don’t we walk outside together?” I propose.

“Sounds good.” The girl nods positively.

“Have someone given you a tour here in the facility?”

“No.”

“Have you seen aircrafts?”

“I would like to.” The girl stands up. “Oh. I have completely forgotten to ask for it, for some reason. What is the matter with me? That’s right. One of my friends told me she could not speak as smoothly as usual when talking to a gentleman. I told her back then that it could not possibly be the case. But, perhaps, it is now happening to me now ...”

“I think it is similar to the case in which a drawer gets stuck in the middle.”

“Drawer?”

“Yeah. In many of such cases, an object is jamming the interior of the drawer by getting itself aligned diagonally.”

“Ah, I see what you mean ... That annoys me.”

Mizuki and I get out of the room, and are walking through the corridor. We climb down the stairs, and get out into the courtyard. I see the office building, but the lights of the lounge are not turned on. Tokino might be elsewhere. When we reach a spot at which we can see the runway, the girl stops walking.

“We can fly a kite here.” She turns around and looks up at me.

“Maybe ... But no one here has a kite.”

“Why don’t you make it? I know it’s very easy.”

“Probably, you’re right.”

This time, I am walking ahead of her while heading toward the hangar. The light is leaking out from the half-opened shutter. Sasakura must be inside. I think he would show an annoyed look. I can imagine the scene so easily that I find that to be funny.

When I duck under the shutter, the bright light flashes in the backside of the inner part of the hangar.

“Fireworks?”

“No, it’s welding.” I stand in front of her, so that she does not see the light. “I would not see that if I were you.”

“What? Why?”

“The light is too intense. It would get burned into your eyes. After that, you would see a vague white thing in the sight, no matter what you try to see.”

“That sounds interesting.” The girl steps aside to see the spark.

The interior of the hangar gets brighter once again. I move my body to shift into the position right before her eyes.

“You’re so mean.”

“Not really.” I smile. “If you want to look at it, you should use eyewear.”

“I have good eyesight.”

“The strong light will damage your eyesight.”

As we walk toward the inner part, Sasakura notices us and is moving somewhere to turn off the welder. He shifts the round black glasses upward on his head.

“Hey.” I greet him.

“Where is she from?” Sasakura says, while looking at Mizuki.

“I’m Mizuki Kusanagi.” She introduces herself. “Can you lend me your glasses? Oh, sorry. May I ask your name?”

“Sasakura.” He is taking a pack of cigarette from a pocket of his jumpsuit. He holds a cigarette in his mouth, and looks at me. “She’s Ms. Kusanagi’s?”

“Right.” I nod. “Do you have another eyewear for welding? I want you to show its light to her.”

“Why?” Sasakura exhales the smoke and asks.

“Because I want to.” The girl answers.

Sasakura glares at the girl for a few seconds. When her smile starts to change, he takes the protective goggles off his head and hands it to her.

“Thank you.” Mizuki receives the goggles and puts them on while feeling the joy. “Oh, I can see nothing through this.”

“You can see the florescent light on the ceiling.” Sasakura says. He is walking toward the welding power supply. “Please do not come over here. It is dangerous.”

He takes a welding helmet from a tool shelf, turns on a switch of the welding power supply, and comes back to the place where he has originally been standing. Then, he puts a thick glove on his right hand and holds a grip from which a welding rod is sticking out. A thick cord is connected between the welding rod and the welding power supply. Sasakura finally puts out the cigarette by stepping on it with his foot. He has the welding rod close to a part (that appears to be a frame) on a cart and, at the same time, covers his face with the welding helmet.

I look sideways.

A flash.

A sound of something sizzling.

A smell of molten iron.

The girl is watching it through the filter glass of the welding goggles.

Her shadow projected on the wall behind her is huge and clear.

Fire sparks fly all over the place, and the flash is blinking.

The metal is melting and is formed into the shape of a ball. It turns red and loses its light. She must be watching it. I am gazing at the white profile of the girl. Her smooth cheeks look even whiter, by reflecting the light. Her tiny lips are slightly slack, and she puts her half-opened hand on the lips.

“Marvelous!” Mizuki shouts in a high-pitched voice.

I light my cigarette and exhale the smoke with authority. I feel comfortable to a certain extent. Because the emotion that she is expressing is the one I have forgotten since a long time ago. It is vaguely glowing in the distance. Nostalgic, I think.

“Why does it emit the flame?” The girl asks.

“It is not because he wants to.” I answer on behalf of Sasakura. “In short, he needs enough heat to melt it. It ends up looking unexpectedly flashy.”

“Can it make a hole on anything?”

“He is not welding for making a hole, but for joining materials.”

I am reluctant to explain it more. While holding the cigarette in my mouth, I walk to the shutter and duck under it to get outside. Mizuki is still asking Sasakura about something. Her loud, high-pitched voice carries well. I wonder how long Sasakura can keep himself silent.

I see Suito Kusanagi walking from the direction of the office building.

-3-

“Sorry.” Kusanagi says with no expression.

“About what?” I ask.

She bends her knees and looks inside the hangar from under the shutter. The flash of welding is not lighting any more. Instead, I hear the girl’s voice. It sounds as if Sasakura is serving as a counselor, but I do not hear his voice. Kusanagi comes back.

“When I see that girl, I sometimes hate myself.” Unusually, it sounds like a joke. More unusually, Kusanagi smiles a bit. Come to think about it carefully, what she has just said is unbelievably rare. If there were Kusanagi Museum somewhere, it would have been exhibited as the most important item without any doubt.

“What do you mean?” I am so startled that I only ask her a boring question that might as well be a back-channel feedback.

“I’m not sure ...” She is suddenly getting back to wearing a familiar face. “It’s time for me to pick her up and send her home.”

“I heard she is your younger sister ...” Sooner than I speak to Kusanagi, she has already disappeared into the hangar through the shutter.

About the half of the cigarette is still not finished. Like my life, I should not mash it and smash it in the middle.

After two or three minutes have passed, Kusanagi is getting out while pulling Mizuki’s hand. Then, they are walking toward the office building. The girl looks back at me in the middle and smiles. She is no longer wearing the welding goggles. I think she is not wearing them again for the rest of her life.

While he is smoking, Sasakura is getting outside the hangar.

“Thank you for your time.” I offer him words of appreciation. I am feeling exactly the same way as what I have just said.

He responds only by curving the edge of his lips. He seems to be in a better mood than I have expected.

Someone is walking toward us on a dark path leading to the runway. I recognize that he is Tokino, thanks to the light leaking from the window of the hangar. He is approaching us.

“Has she already left?” He whispers.

“A little while ago.” I reply. I throw the stub into an ashtray. My hair has completely been dried with the night wind. It is rather a bid cold.

“Did you command her to go home?”

“Ms. Kusanagi came here to pick her up.”

“She is not her sister.” Tokino says. He puts both of his hands in the pockets and gazes into his feet. His gesture is as if he is about to engrave secret letters with his foot.

“What do you mean?” I ask because he has stopped saying anything.

“She’s her daughter.” Tokino says.

Oh, I see, I think. Sasakura opens his mouth only a little and nods. It is more easily understandable. Right. As I think more, I realize that the mother-daughter relationship seems more likely to be the case.

When I see that girl, I sometimes hate myself. The statement from Suito Kusanagi Museum remains in my ears. I slam on the brake of myself, who is being inclined to think too much about this and that, and then have decided to go back to my room. Tokino seems to have gone to the cafeteria to drink beer. Sasakura is probably resuming the rest of the welding.

Just like this way, we get back to the usual night.

While reading a book, I fall asleep and dream for the first time since a long time ago. When I realize that and wake up, it is late at night.

It is completely dark in my room. I put my feet down on the floor, and sit on the bed for a while. On the upper part of our bunk bed, Tokino is sleeping. I can barely hear his breathing.

The one who has just appeared in my dream was that girl. Yes, she is Mizuki Kusanagi.

I was fishing in a river. I was knee-deep in the water, and was holding a long pole. It was as if I had been doing so for hours without moving.

I looked back and found her standing. She was dipping her feet in the water at a much shallower part of the river than I was in. In order not to get her skirt wet, she was lifting it with her both hands.

“Aren’t you afraid of fish?” The girl asked me.

“Why?”

“Aren’t you afraid of that face? It opens its mouth and shows its teeth ...”

“Really?”

“Its eyes are also scary.”

“Well, you may be right.” I answered casually.

“You are gonna be terrified if you see a person with a fish face is walking, right?”

“Umm, but ... After the evolution, fish became amphibians and reptiles. They then became birds and mammals.”

“Fish will be fish forever.”

“Humans will remain humans, too.”

I looked at what was around the girl’s feet. Transparent water was flowing there. A black fish was swimming in the water around her feet. She seemed not to be able to notice it, for the view was blocked by her skirt. I realized that I had better not tell her about it. As soon as she noticed it, she would scream. I raised my head to look at the girl.

The person who was standing there was not Mizuki.

Suito. Yes, She was Suito Kusanagi.

The clothes were still the same. But, she had just gotten taller, and was the same as the current version of Suito Kusanagi, without doubt. She was slightly raising one of her straight eyebrows, squinting, and staring at me. I was so shocked that I dropped the fishing pole I was holding.

The fishing pole was floating, and drifting away from me. I tried to chase the pole, but the water that was twining around my legs was preventing me from walking in the river smoothly. I leaned forward, and thrust my both hands into the water.

The black fish was passing by in front of my face. Surely, it was a scary face.

I managed to reach the shore, and sat down. Suito Kusanagi also sat down beside me.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. She was looking into my profile with interest. “Did you try to evolve?”

“What?” I asked back.

“Let two of us evolve, together.”

“What?”

Evolve?

Two of us, together?

I was thinking about what that meant.

Kusanagi stood up, and was walking away. At the upper part of the bank, a yellow tent had been pitched. She disappeared into it.

I followed her.

I desperately wanted to see what was inside the tent.

Then ...

After I peeled up the tent flap.

In the dark tent.

I saw it.

That is when I have just woken up. My heartbeat is at least three times faster than usual. It is like an engine of an aircraft ascending rapidly. I feel the tension and ache in my shoulders, the muscle of which is getting stiff. The both fists are clenched, and are sweaty.

While sitting on the edge of the bed, I repeatedly and calmly take a deep breath, that is so humanlike. It is not the first time for me to experience such a situation. I have learned the lesson that I can get back to the normal condition by doing so.

I loosen up, and relax.

The memory of the dream is gradually fading.

It is transformed into a strangely funny thing.

And then to a mysterious thing.

A fairy tale that I want to laugh at.

It is a fantasy.

It is a child’s dream.

The stiffness still remains in my upper back, but I am successfully back to the normal condition.

I am relieved ...

The sweat on my forehead is cold.

As I am being careful not to make a sound, I get out of the room. I bring a cigarette from the desk. When I get to the courtyard, I light the cigarette. After the light goes out, the courtyard is as dark as a swamp. I cannot even see the exhaled smoke. Near the tip of my finger, the red light of the cigarette is moving in the air.

What I saw in the tent.

Although it was what I had seen many times.

I cannot recall that anymore.

-4-

At one time, I flied with Uroyuki Shinoda just once. It was because Yudagawa injured his eye in the previous sortie. It was not inflicted by our enemies, but it was because of his complete carelessness. He was wearing both an eyepatch and glasses for about a week. In this case, it was usually Tokino’s turn to make a sortie as a substitute instead of Yudagawa. But, he caught a cold and the fever made him groan in misery. To prevent myself from catching the cold from him, I went so far as to spend a night in the lounge.

Then, I ended up flying with the guy named Shinoda. Although more than two months have already passed since I was assigned to this airbase, I have hardly talked with Shinoda. I was not even sure how his voice sounded.

Shinoda seems to be the oldest pilot among the four of us. If I remember correctly, Yudagawa said such a thing. Shinoda had a gloomy appearance like a conjurer, and both his chin and nose were pointy. He was always wearing a blackish garment with long sleeves. He always had a gold pen in the chest pocket. He does not smoke. He is the only non-smoker here.

At the time, we were flying toward the south along the coastline. Then, we went over the sea for about an hour. We soon found a target and approached it. It was obviously a private fishing boat, so we did not attack it. The most suspicious possibility was that it was a ship to send supplies to submarines. However, the ship was too small for the purpose and the crews did not look dubious.

“Still, there is a case in which we can reveal the target’s identity only by shooting it.” I said through the radio.

“Why don’t you try that?” Shinoda suggested.

“No, I won’t.” I was already turning around.

“Do you want me to try it?”

“No. Let’s go back.”

This is the longest conversation that I have ever had with him. We returned to the base with quite a lot of fuel left in the tank. The hangars are far away from each other, so I run to where Shinoda is, after getting off the aircraft. I am thinking of having a conversation with him before going to the office for the reporting. In the hangar, he is getting on a wing to polish the canopy with a rag.

“Thank you for waiting.” I say.

Shinoda glances at me, but does not get off the wing quickly. I am waiting for a while at the gate of the hangar while smoking. After he finally comes out of the hangar, we walk side by side. We remain silent until we reach the Kusanagi’s office ... In short, I have failed to talk to him.

I only need just one minute to report to Kusanagi. I am the one who has just done all the explaining.

“Anything else?” Kusanagi asks, while sitting back in the seat.

“That’s all.”

“Okay, thank you.”

The two of us get out into the corridor.

When we are climbing down the stairs, the door is opened behind us and Kusanagi shows her face.

“Hey, I am just being reminded of something a bit irksome.” She looks at me. “I had an unexpected call a little earlier. Several visitors are coming here to participate in an observation tour in two hours. Kannami, please attend them and conduct the study tour.”

“Certainly.” I nod at the stairway landing.

“A group of five or six. I think they will return probably in 30 minutes or so.”

“Affirmative.”

Shinoda has already walked away ahead of me, and is spreading a magazine to read it in the lounge. However, it is rare for him to be in this place. Perhaps, he is waiting for me.

“They have visited here once before.” Suddenly, Shinoda speaks.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” I ask, while taking a seat. I am holding a pack of cigarette in my pocket.

“Visitors.”

“Oh ...” I nod. “What were they like?”

“I have an urge to kill them.” Saying so, Shinoda smirks. I am seeing his smirk for the first time.

“Did you actually kill them?” I smile and ask.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t have a gun.”

“Ah, I see.” I nod. “Then, I should follow suit.”

“If I were that woman, I would have pulled the trigger a long time ago.”

“What?” I frown. “What woman?”

“On the second floor.” Shinoda jerks his chin. Probably, he is indicating Suito Kusanagi.

“If you were Ms. Kusanagi, you would have shot ... whom?”

“Anyone.”

“Why?”

“She always carries a gun.”

I laugh because I am regarding his comment as a joke. However, Shinoda is not laughing. He is casting an upward glance at me. His eyes look as if he were targeting a game. His front hair partially covers his eyes. Through the slits between the strands of hair, the whites of his eyes are clearly visible.

“Have you heard about Kurita?” Shinoda smirks again. His white anterior teeth are visible.

“I haven’t.” I reply instantly.

Jinro Kurita is the predecessor pilot of my current aircraft. Before I came here, he had vanished. No one is yet to tell me anything. Not even about whether he died or he was transferred to other assignments.

“What’s the story here?” I ask.

“That woman shot him.” Shinoda says.

“Ms. Kusanagi did?” I lean forward. “You mean she shot Mr. Kurita?”

Shinoda nods. Standing up, he roughly gets the magazine back to the rack.

“Really?” I ask.

Shinoda glances sideways at me just once, and then he goes out of the lounge without words.

I take a seat again, and close my eyes.

That might be the case, I think.

-5-

The visitors are a group of six and they are all females. Probably, in their 40s or 50s. The group name is written on the plate attached to the front glass of a minibus, but I just do not remember that. For some reason, all of them look twice as heavy as I am. However, the group has not been assembled for that common characteristic. I am not sure of how they are related to our company. Are they supporters? Or, members of an opposition group? I only know so little about them. Of course, if they were especially dangerous, they would not have been allowed to enter the facility and they should have gotten themselves accompanied by a proper business-related attendant from the headquarters. If it were such serious deals to that level, Kusanagi herself would have greeted, entertained, and guided them. If they can leave this to me alone, then it has got to mean that these visitors are not all so important.

We walk near the edge of the runway, and then I take them to a hangar for a tour. Luckily, Sasakura is not there. I briefly explain an aircraft to them. This is an engine. That is a propeller. Those are machine guns. Something like that. It is as if I am teaching new words to kindergartners.

“Is this your airplane?” A woman in a brown business suit asks. It is obvious that she is the leader of the group because she is always leading them by walking in front.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“For how long have you been making sorties?” A woman in a green one-piece dress next to the leader in a brown business suit asks. Her parasol is also green. She has been opening it earlier near the runway. She is now holding it with her thick arm.

“I am still a newcomer here ... But, I have been a pilot for about five years.”

“How do you feel?” The woman in green asks.

“Um? What do you mean by that?”

“I mean, when you are flying in the sky.” She squints, and makes a mysterious expression.

“Umm, how do I feel? Err ...” I smile wryly. “As if I myself am flying ... I should say ...”

The women chuckle. Maybe, they feel that it is funny. I do not feel too bad because they seem to like what ends up being my joke.

“So, how do you feel when you shoot down the enemy?” This time, another woman in the rear asks. It is a hoarse voice. I look at her carefully, and can tell that she is quite old. She might over 60. “You have shot down many, right?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I nod slightly.

“Don’t you paint kill marks on your aircraft?” The leader in brown interrupts.

“I used to do so until the previous aircraft.” I answer. “But, I was transferred to this base suddenly.”

“You can draw the kill marks on this one, can’t you?”

“If I just paint kill marks, no one will believe that.”

“But, the data of your previous kill record have been sent here, right?”

“Yeah, you may be right, ma’am.” I nod. I have not expected and thought about such bothersome things.

“Hey, how do you feel?” I hear the hoarse voice in the rear again. The old woman makes the winkles around the edges of her eyes. “How do you feel when you shoot down enemies?”

“Now, thanks to this, I can go back. That is how I feel.” I answer.

One woman is clapping her hands. She is a small woman like a vinyl doll. I wonder what is going on. Probably, she is applauding. All other women look at her with glaring eyes. The vinyl doll stops clapping, and looks toward the shutter as if she does not care about anything.

“It’s like a game.” Someone whispers.

That’s right, I think. I pretend not to have just heard that.

“But thanks to your fighting the battles, we can lead such, oh yes, happy lives like this. I really appreciate it. It’s true.” The leader woman says.

“Oh, please do not mention it. It is my duty.” I smile. It is so-called businesslike smile for the sake of professional courtesy.

I do not fight for anyone in particular. Not for the nation. Let alone for any people in particular. I earn wages. Moreover, we are ideally suited to this job. I myself understand that well. Conversely speaking, I really do not understand how ordinary people think of us. I definitely would like to listen to them about what they really think of us.

Even so, I am not quite willing to ask these women here now. The wrinkled face of the elderly woman standing in the rear. The white face and the red lips. These wicked makeups are glaring at me. I cannot possibly believe that those are the gazes that are intended to be directed toward the same species.

At a moment, I become conscious of my right hand.

Then, I’m reminded of what Shinoda was speaking.

I might shoot them, if I encounter these women in the sky.

As soon as I think so, I feel funny and find myself smiling.

“By the way, how is that girl?” The leader in brown asks. “A girl was working here, right? She gave me a tour when I visited here on the previous occasion.”

“Is it Ms. Kusanagi?”

“Umm, yes. I think I remember her having such a name.”

I do not quite like the use of the word “girl” to describe Kusanagi. However, from the point of view of these women, Suito Kusanagi is definitely a girl.

“She is now working in the office.” I answer. “It seems that she cannot leave her office because she has to attend an important matter.” I am impressed by the fact that I can tell a lie quite smoothly.

“Can you hand this to her?” The leader extends a paper shopping bag toward me. “I have brought a gift for her. It’s a little something.”

“Certainly, ma’am.” I receive it. A gift-wrapped box is in it. Not heavy. Probably, it is confectionery, or something like that.

After that, I guide them to the cafeteria of the billet and we go to the courtyard at the end of the tour. The women show the appreciation to me politely. What they are just telling me are so cheesy that they make me feel the uneasy chill of embarrassment going up my spine just by hearing them.

After the microbus goes out of the base through the gate, I light the cigarette and take a deep breath. I recognize that I am feeling a bit exhausted.

“Good work.” I hear the voice from above me. I look up, and see Suito Kusanagi sticking her face out of the window on the second floor of the office building.

“They handed me a souvenir.” I lift up the paper bag a little.

“What?”

“I think it’s confectionery. They said it’s for Ms. Kusanagi.”

“I don’t want it.” Without showing any expression on her face, she shakes her head just once. “You and others can go ahead and share it.”

The window is closed.

With a cigarette in my mouth, I head for the lounge. No one is there, of course. Tokino is sleeping in our room. Because I do not want to catch a cold from him, the lounge is my temporary roost now. Yudagawa and Shinoda are probably in their rooms.

I unseal the package and look inside the box. If it is confectionery, I will leisurely enjoy it with coffee for the first time in a while. But, the content of the gift is a toy. It is a fashion doll.

Kusanagi is getting down to the lobby. She notices my presence and approaches me.

“If you want coffee, go upstairs.” Kusanagi says.

She looks inside the box on the table.

“You should give it to Mizuki.” I speak of my proposal.

“For goodness sake ...” She clicks her tongue. “They make such a sarcastic gesture.”

“Sarcastic?” I crack up.

If it is sarcasm, is it not of the best quality? It is my honest opinion. The fashion doll is wearing the uniform of a commercial airline company. It is a girl with long and straight blonde hair. It does not resemble Suito Kusanagi at all.

“Anyway, that was a big help that I got from you. Thank you.” She sits down on a sofa opposite me, and says.

“About what?”

“Being an attendant to entertain the guests.”

“Oh ...” I nod. “That was not such a big deal.”

“Really?” Kusanagi shows a look of being surprised on her face, and widens her eyes. “I don’t understand you well.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Anyway, I really hate dealing with them. So, you helped me a lot. I will buy you dinner.”

“Oh, really?” I feel so glad that I end up coughing.

“You are weird.” Kusanagi laughs.

-6-

Kusanagi lets Yudagawa stand by in the office to be on duty to take phone calls. It is a duty that anyone with just one eye can do. Tokino’s fever has already gone down, and he is looking fine. When I see him in our room, he is up and drinking beer.

“Don’t get too close to me.” He turns me away. “You will catch a cold from me.”

“I am going out for a while.”

“No reporting required.”

I take my jacket and get out of the room. Kusanagi’s car is waiting for me in front of the office building. I get into the passenger seat. She drives the vehicle out of the gate, and then turns to the right. I am a bit surprised, for I have no experience of heading for that direction. The base is located on an island sandwiched between two large rivers. A bridge is built across one of the rivers, but none on the other one. That is, if I head for the other bridgeless river, I will only hit the dead end. That is what I have heard, so I have not headed for that direction yet.

I see the runway to our right. However, the lower half of the view is silhouetted in darkness, and it looks like a residue layer that has settled down at the bottom of the sky that is slightly brighter. On the road ahead of us, I can barely see a vague space that is lit by the headlights.

We drive on the gravel road in the middle, climb a slope, and reach the meadow. It is located at the end of the runway. I have flown above this part several times, so I know our approximate current location. The river should be right beyond the vicinity.

Then, we drive down the slope. An area with densely populated low trees is approaching. I see a small log house in it. Kusanagi’s car stops at the open area before the cabin.

She gets out of the car without words. I get out, too.

It is very dark around the vicinity, except for the sky. There is no light nearby. A utility pole connects the log house with loose electric wires. It is surrounded by the forest and meadow, and it is quiet. Although the river should be nearby, I cannot see or hear any sign of it. Of course, no other house or anything of the sort is nearby.

“What is this place?” I ask.

Kusanagi has already climbed up the steps in front of the cabin and is standing at the entrance. She seems to be unlocking the door.

The door opens. The light inside is turned on. It looks orangey.

I hear the birds singing. Stars are scattered in the sky. No moon. No wind. My footsteps make strange sound of rubber being contracted. I have not noticed that, even though they are the same shoes that I wear all the time as usual.

Suito Kusanagi pretty much lives her life in the airbase. She is not the only one who does that. All other workers do so as well. There is no town nearby. No reasonably priced residential complex. On top of that, inns that can welcome people engaged in this kind of jobs are limited. It is obvious that the cabin is not the house where Kusanagi lives.

What did she say before leaving the base ...? I try to recall it. If I remember correctly, she said she would buy me dinner. I remember so, but she might have just said she would just treat me to a meal. Within the close vicinity, there is no restaurant at which we can eat dinner, unless we drive all the way to the drive-in diner.

I climb up the wooden steps and get inside the log house.

The moist air has mysterious scent. It is like leather, like a tent, or like an old doll. Such complex scent makes me feel its history. I see a sofa, a table, a cabinet, a fireplace, a carpet, a rocking chair, windows, curtains, a bar counter, a refrigerator, a television set, another door on the back side of the house, a serial-patterned cloth hanging on a wall, a bird cage with no bird, a magazine rack, Kusanagi kneeling down over the counter, a thin shelf with glasses on them, a photograph in which many small faces are lined up, a picture frame, an incandescent lamp with a shade made of stained glass, a vase with no flower, white slippers, and a sordidly tinted stuffed bear on a round chair.

“What is this place?” I have yet to close the entrance door.

“What would you like to drink? Beer? Or, would you prefer wine?” Since Kusanagi is kneeling down, I cannot see her face.

“Do you have soft drinks?”

“Sorry.” Kusanagi shows her face and shakes her head.

“Then, beer, please.”

I close the door behind me. The inner space of the room is locking out the darkness, and it seems to be a little brighter.

“Have a seat.”

As I follow her direction, I sit down on a sofa. Because of the curtains covering the windows, I cannot see outside. Bare, thick beams run across each other along the high ceiling. The fireplace chimney, which is a cylinder made of black metal, stretches straight upward and then turns diagonally near the ceiling.

Kusanagi brings two glasses. She hands me one of them and puts the other on the table. Then, she takes a small round stool from the corner of the room, and brings it toward the table. She sits down on it. She is spreading her legs to two directions and puts her hands on the chair. It is like a pose that a gymnast shows on a balance beam.

“So, what is up?” She asks. Although her expression has not changed in particular, I might be able to tell that she is smiling. It is probably because of the orangey lighting, or because of my imagination.

“What is this place?” I ask her, while sipping beer. That is the third time for me to ask this question.

“An accommodation facility.” Kusanagi answers. “Like a guest room.”

“Really ...” I nod. “That’s awesome.”

“Sure.”

“Are we having a dinner here?” I ask.

“Don’t you like alcohol?”

“No. I’m not a heavy drinker.” I answer honestly. “But, yeah, I can drink this much. I like its taste, though.”

“What is the problem the alcohol causes on you?”

“It gives me a headache.”

“If you have a headache, what’s the problem?”

“When that happens, I hate to think about anything.” I sip beer again.

“Does it bother you?”

“No ...” I laugh. “It does not really bother me, I guess.”

Kusanagi stretches her arm, takes a glass of beer, and drinks half of it at one gulp. Then, she takes off her jacket and walks to the rocking chair to drape it over the backrest. She takes a pack of cigarette from its pocket and walks back while lighting it.

“Well.” She says, and exhales the smoke with a sigh. “Then, I will prepare something.”

“Meal?” I am standing up. “Need help?”

“Never mind. Anyhow, I don’t have decent ingredients.” She says, while waving her hand. “I have nothing but instant foods. Oh, hey, perhaps, are you good at cooking?”

“No, not at all.” I shake my head. “I’m not even good at eating.”

“I’m relieved.” Kusanagi nods with a serious expression on her face, drinks up the beer while holding the cigarette in the other hand. “Phew ... Oh yes, go ahead and watch TV to kill time.”

“No ...” I utter. “If possible, I like to chat.”

“Really?” She replies while walking to the kitchen. “You don’t seem to be a talkative type.”

“Why have you brought me here?” I ask honestly. The question is so heavy that I feel a painful burden on my shoulders.

“The fact is, employees have the right to use this facility. So, we have to come here occasionally.” Kusanagi explains. “You know, I am at the position, because of which I should tell everyone that. But, actually ... They come here just once. No one comes back again, ever.”

“So, are you saying that everyone comes here at least once? With Ms. Kusanagi?”

“I hardly come here alone with someone.”

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t know why.” Kusanagi is opening the refrigerator and is looking inside. “Is it because to prepare an extra meal is such a drag of chore?”

“Can I see the adjacent room?” I stand up with the glass in my hand. I want to know what is beyond the backdoor.

“Go ahead.”

I put the glass back on the table, and walk to the adjacent room to see what is inside it. I push the door open and find a switch on the wall right next to the door. I turn on the light. I see a space that is half the size of the living room that I have just been in. There are only two beds being placed in it. The windows are covered with curtains as expected. Two short rattan wardrobes are by the wall. There is a closet and a bathroom at the back of the room.

I approach the window and look outside through the slit between the curtains. Because of the darkness, I can see nothing. By shifting the focus of my eyes, I can see the dark reflection of a part of my face.

I understand it is a facility designed for two persons. If three persons come here, one of them has to sleep on a sofa.

I go back to the living room. It is when Kusanagi is putting a dish into a microwave oven and closing it.

“I think you might have wanted to bring your younger sister here.” I say to her over the bar counter.

“It’s mixing up official business with personal affairs.”

“Are you talking about bringing your sister here, or to the airbase?” I point out.

While snorting, Kusanagi nods. She is gazing at me with her lips curved.

Before the meal is placed on the table, I drink two glasses of beer. Kusanagi drinks twice as much. She switches to wine in the middle, and the bottles are placed on the counter.

A thick dish like lasagna. Twisted pasta in a soup. Then, seafood and corn released from cans. Forks and spoons are plastic.

“Are they not the types being used in passenger planes?” Kusanagi comments. “Eating with a plastic fork is the last thing that I want to do.”

Still, while saying so, she has already started eating the lasagna with it.

Each dish is vapid and the taste is dull, but I am not dissatisfied with it at all. The only dissatisfaction is the lack of coffee. I do not mention it, though. It is not that tonight is the last day of the Earth.

Kusanagi hardly eats the food, but guzzles down the wine. Compared to the usual Kusanagi, she is surely looking cheerful. Does the fact that the visitors of the airbase tour earlier on the day have gone back make her so happy? I do not know the reason. At least, she looks drunk. I have to drive on our way back, I am thinking.

-7-

We talk mainly about airplanes. Kusanagi was once a pilot. So, we did not have problem with finding topics. This is the first time for me to talk this much since I was assigned to the base. I have not talked this much, with Tokino and Sasakura combined. However, I was only listening to her story most of the time, and Kusanagi is talking almost entirely. I am observing her explaining the scenes of air combats with hand gestures enthusiastically. Although her facial expression has not changed by a lot, she is surely getting drunk. Two empty wine bottles are standing on the bar counter.

As for me, I drink beer little by little. I am feeling comfortable because I am getting a little absent-minded with alcohol. Each dish is more than half left and has already gotten cold.

“The most unforgettable experience was that I was shot by the enemy whom I thought I had completely shot down.” Kusanagi squints one of her eyes and shakes her head with a serious look in her face. “He was going down. Since I could see what was inside the cockpit, I was descending to watch him all the way to the end. His fuel tank was already covered with fire, and the propellers were about to stop spinning. If he descended skillfully, he would have been able to make an emergency ditching on the sea. However, after gaining enough speed by making a steep dive, it suddenly steered the aircraft to deliberately decelerate to let it stall, and raised the nose upward. It’s a suicidal act, isn’t it? Then, what do you think happened next?”

“You mean, about the enemy? Or, about Ms. Kusanagi?” I ask.

It is still natural for a pilot to shoot the enemy, when he realizes that he is bound to go down. Kusanagi was probably expecting anything as simple as that. I do not think that she would bring her aircraft within the range, over which the opponent would have any control.

“When the aircraft was stalling, the pilot launched the air-to-surface rocket to use the reaction force to point the nose toward me. Can you believe that? That’s how he shot me. For that moment, I had to pass by right in front of him.”

“What was the damage you received?”

“A hole was punched right on the canopy, and my precious helmet was damaged. Then ..., although I had not noticed it until I returned to the base, an aluminum fragment was driven around here on the left side of my neck.” She puts her hand on the back of her neck.

“I have once crash-landed.” I speak, after sipping beer. “I broke my leg at the time.”

“On the sea, right?”

“This is the different story from that.”

“Huh? Where?”

“I’m not sure ...” I laugh. “I wonder where I crash-landed. I lost my consciousness before I understood where I was.”

“Were you brought to the hospital?”

“Probably, yes.”

“Who brought you there?”

“I do not know ...”

“What happened to your aircraft?”

“I do not know ...” I then smile. “I have not seen it since then.”

“How did you crash-land?”

“One of the tail empennages was blown away. Umm, but, the rudder was still working, mysteriously. So, as a tentative measure, I searched for a flat land and thought that I managed to make an emergency landing. However, one of the landing gears failed to come out. The aircraft landed head-first in a headlong orientation as if it was doing a handstand in front of a stable containing horses or cows. One of the main wings was caught in what appeared to be a morass and started sinking. The aircraft got stuck there, and I jumped off the cockpit by myself. I hit my back and, err, was left there. I do not remember what happened too well.”

“You only broke a leg?”

“Yeah. But at the time, I felt I broke my backbone, not a leg.” I chuckle. It is like a reminiscent smile. “It was so painful that I could not say a word. Horses, cows, or whatever seemed to be nearby, looking at me. I think there was a bird that looked like a duck. I was glad that a cat wasn’t there.”

“Why?”

“Because I dislike cats.”

Kusanagi claps her hands and laughs. I have not intended to say a joke.

“I crawled my way up from the morass, and was lying there with mud for hours. I was hopping that the aircraft would not explode. It was exhaling the smoke and the fuel was leaking onto the surface of the morass. I wanted to smoke a cigarette, but endured the urge. If the fuel caught fire, it would be the end. However ..., I thought it would not be a bad idea to deliberately ignite the fuel and burn the plane to notify someone that I was there. You know, I could smoke a cigarette by doing so. But, I gradually became sleepy, and things remained that way after that.”

“Since there were livestock animals, there had to be local residents nearby, correct?”

“Probably.” I nod. “Then, when I regained consciousness, I was in a bed in a hospital. By that time, I was feeling much better. I was just hungry. But, severely wounded folks were in the beds around me, so I could not quite show off how good my condition was. A few of them were dying there, you know.”

“Didn’t you think you wanted to die?”

“What?” I am about to tap my cigarette on an ashtray.

I raise my head to look at Kusanagi.

She puts one of her hands on her cheek and is staring at me.

“When you were severely wounded like that, didn’t you think you wanted to die, for all the heck you cared?”

“I was not that seriously wounded.”

“Haven’t you ever thought you wanted to die?”

I exhale the smoke. Although my beer still remains in the glass, I do not want to drink it anymore. It is almost 21:00, maybe. Two hours of time has passed already, since our arrival here.

“Have you ever thought you hate to live your life?” Kusanagi asks.

She is showing almost no expression. As usual, she is giving me a calm impression. However, it is obvious that she is somewhat lacking her balance. Her tone and gesture differ from usual. Of course, they are being influenced by alcohol.

“I have.” I nod. “Everyone has, I think. It is natural to think so, isn’t it?”

“What I just said belongs to a completely different dimension from such matters.” Kusanagi’s tone is becoming even calmer. “That is not what I meant. I mean, something like ... let’s put an end to it, or I have had enough of it ... I don’t know how to put it. It is like wanting to give up on something ...”

“What’s the difference?” I ask, while exhaling the smoke. I am surprised by the fact that my tone sounds cold, even from my perspective. “Can it be the same as children committing suicides?”

“No, that’s not it.” Kusanagi smiles slightly. “At least, it’s not impulsive. So, I think it has to be based on another motive. For example, it is close to setting the life expectancy in advance and plan the timing of death.”

“But, isn’t that also impulsive?”

“It is only so matter-of-factly as to be reminded of occasionally, long after having forgotten about it.” Kusanagi looks up at the ceiling. “Imagine this. A long time ago, someone makes a lifetime schedule to plan on which date to die. However, she has forgotten about it completely, and is reminded of it today. So, how shall I put it? She feels glad about recalling the schedule.”

“Hmm.” I nod. “I do not think I experience that sort of thing.”

“Really?” Kusanagi looks at me. “For example, do you have any plan for the future?”

“Plan?”

“Until when do you intend to live?”

“I have not thought of it.”

“Why don’t you think and make a plan?”

“Thinking to make a plan is not going to get me anywhere. I know I will be shot by someone and die eventually in the future. Besides, I cannot imagine that.”

“But, it is your life.”

“I doubt it ...” I shrug. “People often say that sort of thing that way, but is it really my life?”

“If it is not yours, whose life is it?”

“No one’s life, I suppose.”

“Umm, okay, there is a religion like that.” Kusanagi nods slightly several times.

“Not a religion.”

“Getting angry?”

“How about you, Ms. Kusanagi?” I ask, while putting out the cigarette on the ashtray.

“Umm?” She leans her head.

“Have you thought you wanted to die?”

“Of course, very often.” She smiles. She is looking somewhat happy. Her expression is similar to that of Mizuki, I am noticing.

“Why don’t you die whenever you think that way?”

“Well, I wonder why.” Kusanagi leans her head even more. “If I endure and stay alive a bit longer, then that feeling will disappear completely. After that, I will definitely think, ‘Thank goodness that I have not died yet.’ I do not die probably because I can expect that.”

“But after that, you want to die again, right? Don’t you think that you would not have to have suffered from the torment if you had died sooner in the previous opportunity?”

“I do not think it is tormenting for me.”

“Really ...” I chuckle.

“It is like a telephone ringing and being silent.” Kusanagi closes her eyes. “If it continues to ring, it’s noisy. If it doesn’t ring, everyone will forget where the telephone is.”

I am becoming a little sleepy. I take a look at the clock.

Kusanagi opens her eyes and stares at me.

“You want to return to the base?” She asks.

“Yes.” I stand up. “Let’s clean this up.”

“We can stay here, if you want to.”

“Stay here?”

I look at the door leading to the bedroom. Then, I look at Kusanagi’s face again. For some reason, I am reminded of Fuko. I have not seen her for a long time. Tokino is probably visiting Kusumi, but I was not invited by him to join in. I wonder if Fuko is still waiting for Jinro Kurita.

“Did Mr. Kurita use to come here, too?” I ask.

“Yeah.” Kusanagi replies. But, she, who is cleaning up the table, stops her hands for a moment. A little after that, she looks up at me. “Why?”

If we were engaging in an aerial combat, that much of the delay in timing would have been fatal.

“Mr. Shinoda said a weird thing.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that you killed Mr. Kurita.”

“Hmm ...” Kusanagi slowly stands up. “How?”

“Well ..., he said you shot him, I think.”

“Oh, really ...”

Kusanagi brings the glasses to the kitchen. I take the plates with leftover food on them to the bar counter. She starts washing the glasses. I am standing and watching her over the bar counter. The water is flowing from the tap and she is washing the glasses with her hands. The water is falling down onto the sink and is making noise.

“By any chance, do you want to be killed?” Kusanagi is glancing at me.

“I’m not sure ...” I laugh.

I laugh seriously, I think.

-8-

Two days after that, I am flying in the sky with Yudagawa. He is a substitute for Tokino. He took off the eye bandage yesterday, and is saying that he is ready to go. Tokino’s fever has gone down and he seems to be doing fine, too. Still, he is conceding the role in the mission to Yudagawa, for some reason.

Three enemy bombers are heading for the west. If there are escort fighters, we will hold them in check or drive them away if possible. It is our ambiguous mission. In short, even if we fail to accomplish the mission, our allies are still capable of intercepting the bombers by using more massive attacks in the next area. We only have to confirm whether the escort fighters are actually guarding the bombers.

They are above the sea.

I see the bombers at the much higher altitude than we are flying. It is not possible for us to ascend to the level. Once we try to go that high, we will not be able to catch up with them. The supercharger Sasakura developed has not been installed yet, of course. The test drive has not even been implemented yet. As for Sasakura, he seems to be developing a different mechanism recently, and he does not even tell me anything about it.

The number of enemy fighters is four. The two of them are far away. The other two are below us. I am thinking about returning to the base. So, I tell that to Yudagawa through the radio.

“Let’s just do our job before returning, at least a bit.” As he says so, he lowers his left wing to start diving.

I hesitate to decide what to do. Should I follow and assist him? Or, should I keep in check the two aircrafts above us?

Anyway, I start turning around and survey the lower sky. The two enemies are ascending toward us. Yudagawa is already lunging straight at them.

The two above us are not making the move yet. I am misjudging them. They are not intending to leave their duty of escorting the bombers. As for me, I do not feel like going that high up to that altitude. I expect the bombers to pack considerable firepower and return fire to fight back. Unless they lower their altitude, it is dangerous for me to lunge at them alone. I have made the decision, have my aircraft roll sideways, and have its nose point downward.

However, after analyzing it later in retrospect, this hesitation of a few seconds is the cause of defeat. We learn of this sort of thing in hindsight, only after it has occurred. I figure out the cause of the defeat, and write it down on a report. The report form has such a blank space to be filled. That is the way it is.

Yudagawa’s first attack injects bullets into the fuel tank of one of the enemies. The aircraft explodes before falling into the sea. But, when Yudagawa pitches the nose of his aircraft upward near the surface of the water, the other enemy is getting behind him.

I am behind them.

When my right hand pulls the trigger to shoot the bullets, the enemy shoots at Yudagawa.

Yudagawa escapes to the left, and the enemy follows suit by banking to the left as well.

I shoot again.

I am close to the sea surface.

I turn to the right, and check the upper sky while revving up the engine.

No one is there.

The two enemies at the higher altitude have already gone to somewhere.

The bombers are nowhere to be found, hidden in the clouds.

I climb to the higher altitude, assume the inverted orientation, and then roll my aircraft 180 degrees to return to the horizontal flight.

I bank the wings right and left to check below.

At the time, I see Yudagawa’s aircraft. It is right before diving into the sea.

One of the enemies has crashed into the sea.

This means that both the bullets the enemy has shot and the bullets that I shot hit the respective targets.

I confirm the location.

It is at least 50 kilometers off the coast.

I look up into the sky.

I recognize the other enemy fighters quite far away.

I report the counts of enemy bombers and fighters by transmitting the cipher that has been set in advance, via the long-wave radio.

I descend and search the sea surface again. But, I can see nothing. The wind is strong and the wave is high. Only the rough sea is there. I cannot even find the smoke anywhere.

I take a look at the fuel level indicator. I have enough fuel to stay there for a while. I turn around again. I fly to the higher altitude and look around, to check if there is a ship nearby.

After turning around four times, I give up and decide to return to the base.

-9-

In Kusanagi’s office, I am reporting the situation, in which Yudagawa was shot down, for about an hour. The telephone sometimes rings and interrupts my explanation. Apparently, the call is about the updated information regarding the bombers after the encounter. I am not interested in it.

Kusanagi puts her hand on her forehead, and sighs several times. She is not saying a word to accuse me, but I cannot state that her eyes glaring at me are not showing any sign of the accusation. It is obvious. There is no one else who is responsible for it.

“Did you have to decide to retreat?” Kusanagi asks me.

“No.” I shake my head. “If I started descending two seconds earlier than that, I would have shot down the two enemies and gotten back here.”

“That is not the point of my question.”

“According to the flight training program, we have to fight back when we encounter two enemies. Therefore, he made no mistake in making the judgment.”

However, the difference in judgment lies in the fact that there were four of them instead of two.

“That’s enough.” She closes her eyes. “Take a rest. You are dismissed ...”

“Thank you, ma’am.” I stand up, and get out of the room after making a salute.

As I climb down the stairs, I see Tokino and Shinoda waiting in the lounge. Only one aircraft has returned. The last part of the story is obvious. They are looking at me. They want to know the first half of the story.

I am reminded of the day when I first visited a church.

Being led by my father’s hand, I entered the church. Many chairs were lined up and, at the innermost part, many people were singing in high voices. Those many voices were mixed, and echoed in the building. They then transformed into the indistinct bass of the mysterious sound, which was beyond description, and then enveloped me. A very high ceiling, and finely crafted primary-colored stained-glass windows. The domed ceiling was surrounded by mosaics, on which humanoids with wings were depicted.

I was standing in a narrow spacing between rows of chairs. I could only see the ceiling and the stained-glass windows. I wanted to see the cross, but I could not do so because the people standing in front of me were blocking my view. It was strange that many high-frequency sounds echoed and transformed into the bass sound. I thought only my ears were acting weird.

While I am walking toward the front of Tokino and Shinoda, I feel as if I am walking on an aisle in that cathedral. I finally light my cigarette after I sit down on a sofa.

“Don’t worry about that.” Tokino speaks first.

“Where was it at?” Shinoda squints, and asks.

“Above the sea.” I answer. Then, I shake my head. “He was not dead at that point. But ... there is no chance for him to survive.”

“The rescue is on the way, right?” Tokino asks.

“Probably.” I nod. Kusanagi was mentioning that.

I exhale the bitter smoke, and sigh. Sweats are running down my forehead. It is not hot. I do not understand why I am sweating.

“It was, well, the sixth.” I murmur.

This is the sixth case in which the aircraft flying with me is shot down. Among the cases, only one pilot has been rescued. He is still alive, but he is not likely to come back to the base for any assignment, because he has lost the eyesight.

Then, I explain the situation to them. I have already reported in Kusanagi’s office, so I think I am duplicating it quite smoothly.

What I saw when I last turned around was a rough, gray sea.

I have returned to the base alone.

The time span I had to endure when I was flying back to the base.

It was a really terrible time.

I cannot run away.

At the same time, I do not want to think about anything.

After I am done with talking, Tokino takes beer from the refrigerator and starts drinking. Shinoda stands up and gets out of the lounge without words. I am lighting a new cigarette.

I feel as if I were hearing the hymn in the cathedral.

“I should have been the one on the mission.” Tokino clucks his tongue.

Oh, I see, I think.

I have not even thought of that scenario, because I feel I am the only one who is responsible for that. However, so does Tokino, and probably Shinoda, too ... Even Kusanagi might be thinking that it is her own responsibility.

In any case.

It is the easiest way for us to think that it is our respective responsibility.

If everything is my own responsibility, then the only thing I have to do is to provide closure to issues. It can be concluded. Thinking that it is someone else’s responsibility makes thing more complicated and harder to process.

I take a shower, and then go back to my room. I have thought that I cannot sleep at all, but I give up and lie down on the bed. Tokino is not coming back to the room. I guess he is trying to leave me alone.

I hear a knock on the door, but I act as if I am sleeping and remain silent. The door is opened, and Sasakura looks into the room. Since the room is dark, he should not be able to see my face.

“Kannami?” Sasakura calls my name. “Are you sleeping?”

I remain silent.

The door is quietly closed.

Even when Tokino comes back to the room several hours later, I have not slept yet. He seems to fall asleep instantly on the top of our bunk bed.

I am shutting my eyes.

However, I am seeing the gray sea all the time.

“Shouldn’t I have gotten accustomed to it by now?” I speak to myself.

Before I know it, my right hand is grasping my left wrist.

Is he still alive?

Does he want to die?

I am recalling what Kusanagi was talking about.

I am recalling various things.

Most of them are what I do not want to recall.

How can I ... shake off these memories?

Suito Kusanagi enters my room and whispers near my face.

“Do you want to be killed, too?”

It is a dream.

When I wake up, it is already bright outside the window.

-10-

I put on a flight suit and get out of the room.

Due to a fog, not even half of the runway is visible. The hangar is shuttered. I open a side door to check the interior of the hangar, but no one is inside.

My aircraft is there.

I get closer to it and touch it.

Cold.

The joint between the main wing and the body is covered with aluminum wing root fairing. Narrowly spaced rivets. The smooth curvature of the surface reflects the world while warping the image.

The smoother the boundary is, the better it is.

Because it reduces friction.

Every part of aircrafts is designed to be smooth.

I could not sleep last night, probably because I am trying to connect yesterday and today smoothly.

In order not to forget.

Then, to forget.

I go outside the hangar to smoke. I light the cigarette, walk the runway diagonally to head for another hangar that is located across the office building. That is where Yudagawa’s aircraft has been assigned for mooring.

The shutter is closed.

I shudder.

Suito Kusanagi is standing there, while letting her back lean on the shutter.

She is smoking, too.

“So early.” Kusanagi says.

“Yes, I went to bed early.” I am telling a lie. I look at the wristwatch. It is still 04:30. It is before dawn.

“We have not found him yet.” Kusanagi shakes her head slightly.

“Well, I am afraid that the successful rescue is unlikely.” I reply. “You have to hire a new pilot again ...”

“Probably, there is no more reinforcement.”

“What? Why?”

“We are moving out, I think.”

“Moving out? From this airbase? To where?”

“I don’t know ...” Kusanagi sighs.

“Are we all moving out together?”

“I’m not sure ...”

It is not unusual. Rather, this sort of thing is quite frequent. Our stage keeps moving. It is a part of our job. We, lower rank soldiers, cannot understand the whole picture of this war. Kusanagi might know more than I do. But, even so, her comprehension of this war spans a little wider range, and that is all. To begin with, I am not interested in it. As I am told to do so, I will fly to any place, any time.

“Then ..., I might take a short sleep at the office.” Kusanagi throws the stub into an ashtray. “Is there anything you want to say?”

“No, nothing.” I shake my head.

Kusanagi is walking toward the office. I take out one more cigarette, and decide to walk around a little more.

My head feels dizzy, and it is a good sign. It would be marvelous if my head continued to feel dizzy forever.

While walking, I am hearing the hymn in the cathedral again.

It was someone’s funeral.

Yes, my little sister’s funeral.

I am being reminded of it.

Being led by my father’s hand, I was walking in the dark aisle.

Around the ceiling of the cathedral, parts between the dome and the beams are plastered, and the mosaics were placed there as well.

I was looking toward the ceiling above me most of the time. The humanoids with wings were looking mysterious, and they were pretty much the only things I was looking at.

I did not know where my sister had gone.

Because I did not even think that people would die.

At that time, my sister was being laid to rest in a small box.

Is she under the ground now?

Has she already been decomposed by now ...?

The dark, gray sea.

The hymn.

The glittering scales are falling down from the moth’s wings.

Suddenly, I am recalling something. It is the white face of Mizuki Kusanagi.

I do not remember my little sister’s face.