Part 16 — Shame

“I’ve certainly had a long life. After a long life, it feels like it went by really quickly. No doubt that’s even the case for you, isn’t it, Master Sansui?”

“I’m not a man worthy of being referred to as master.”

I’m having a conversation with an old woman in a room lit by the evening sun. After being informed that Lain’s been doing extremely well in school, being ahead of where she would be otherwise, I’ve decided to listen to her regrets. Immortality is humanity’s eternal aspiration. At the very least, there’s not much difference in that between my homeland and this world. No doubt it’s even more so with a real Immortal in front of you.

“To believe one is superior because they’ve lived longer is foolish. I may have lived longer than you have, but I’ve never wanted to be of use to someone else.”

“Perhaps that way of thinking is a part of being a person having to live within a limited amount of time.”

“My time is not without limit, either. The difference in length isn’t, in the grand scheme of things, so important.”

I have a decent sense of what this elderly woman is thinking. Of course, she also understands that I know. She knows that she’s had a good, happy life and doesn’t really want eternal life at this point in her life. She just wants to talk.

“Death is the end for everyone. That’s the simple truth.”

“Yes... That’s so true. But the more you age, the less you can do in that moment.”

My master and I, in the end, declined to interact with other people. That’s natural for an Immortal, and I think that’s how it should be. Besides, I’m probably not an interesting person to be with, and I’d probably be in the way if I ever decided to settle down.

We’re a bit like trees growing in the mountains. We’re not things that are actually useful to people. Sure, people appreciate us, but people are things that appreciate things. I remember that much. I don’t fancy myself as more than human, but I do feel hesitant about interacting with ordinary humans.

“I’ve lived a long, long time, but I haven’t gotten better at anything. All I can do is kill people.”

Danua, the Silo of Plenty, traveling the world to bring an end to hunger in this world... She regarded both my master and I with a great deal of hostility. That’s only natural. Considering that all living things struggle to fill their stomachs, all we do is swing a sword from dawn to dusk. I mean, sure, we provide our own clothing and shelter, but it’s not something we had to do often, and since neither of us had any real material desires, resolving our needs was both quick and easy.

“In truth, in raising Lain, I should probably...have done more of the work myself.”

“My, my, that’s so like you.”

Instead, I just happened to meet and be hired by a scion of House Sepaeda, and have, essentially, had them raise her for me. I suppose you could look at it as my work paying for my daughter’s luxurious lifestyle, but I’ve also pushed all the hard work on other people.

That’s fatherhood. I suppose it might be accurate if someone else were to make that argument, and I can’t imagine that I could ever give her a satisfactory education on my own. Even though I think that maybe I should have worked harder in my own right, in this case, I probably couldn’t have made Lain as happy as she is now.

“I simply control my emotions. It’s not that I don’t have them. It’s not that I don’t have regrets, either, particularly regrets about whether I should have done things differently in one place or another.”

“I see... You feel those things, too, then.”

“But it’s not good to be driven by emotion. If you let emotion drive you too often, you lose your vital sense of judgment. It’s better not to fight than to think about how to fight.”

The right judgment is superior to the right action. That’s true of most things in the world. It’s the same as how it’s more important to be heading in the correct direction, rather than how fast or how slow you’re running.

“Sometimes it’s necessary to fight; this world isn’t that gentle. But fighting is something to be avoided as much as possible. The reason berserkers were hated and feared by society is probably that, in the end, they didn’t care who they fought.”

“There’s not much variety in how berserkers meet their end. Including the berserkers that your master, Suiboku, defeated, none of them died a peaceful death.”

Then again, listening to stories about what my master was like back in the day, he was pretty much a bit of a serial killer and went about randomly challenging people for the sake of it. So, I think it was a bit different when they were killed by my master.

“Your master understood how they worked and told Eckesachs. That’s a very meaningful thing for me. Though, really, we probably could have figured it out with your help, too.”

“I’m not so certain. She didn’t really draw my interest.”

“To leave something behind is important. The records of failures that I’ve been teaching ended up being useful for the Scarred Fool.”

Scholarship is the accumulation of failures, and theories come and go regularly. It’s common for misconceptions or wrong information to be written into academic texts, and that’s true of this world, too. I guess I understand this well because I’m from Japan, as well as having insights from being an Immortal.

“When you get older, you start thinking about what you should have or could have done in the past. But what’s harder than that is when you realize that, no matter what you did at the time, there was nothing you could have done about it.”

No doubt it must be frustrating to realize, upon reflection, that there was still nothing you could have done anyway. But that doesn’t make it okay to take dangerous risks, even if there is a hope of success. Thinking about what was lost as a result of those risks is hard for me to bear, as well.

The Lord Emeritus of House Sepaeda told me not to worry about it. In truth, as it’s not something for me to take responsibility for, perhaps that’s right. But still, thinking about the possible victims that could result from that girl Ran running around loose, I can’t just stand by and do nothing.

“You don’t want to give up on it because it’s still in the experimental stage?”

“It’s my belief that I don’t even have to succeed for it to matter. But, at least in this academy, there’s a way to restrain her and ways for her to improve herself. If some person who came after me, someone I’ve never met, decided under these circumstances to take the safe route and give up before they even tried... No doubt they’d be regarded as a failure, both as a scholar and an educator. At the very least, I’d rage against such a teacher.”

But I suppose that’s what it means to live in the world of mortal humans. Perhaps there’s always a risk associated with trying things in human society, and if there are conditions that can minimize the risk, then it’s necessary to make the effort.

“You look at the present and the lives that are in front of you. That’s not a bad thing, and that’s how you should be. That’s why everyone trusts you, after all.”

“While you yourself are looking to the future?”

“I suppose that’s true, in one sense, but not in another. It’s true that I don’t think it’ll bear fruit immediately, and if it does bear fruit it’ll be after I die. But...I just don’t want anyone to curse my name. I don’t want those who share my ideals, the ones who come after me, to regard me as a coward. Even if they laugh at me, even if I fail, I want to make the attempt, after making sure I’ve done everything I can.”

If one doesn’t want to die, they shouldn’t fight. If they want to secure their survival, then they shouldn’t go to a dangerous place. But it’s wrong of me to say this. In that sense, the Regent and I are the same, and we know we don’t intend to change anything. We know our failings, but we still can’t change our beliefs.

She’s a strong person, a resilient person. A shallow man like me couldn’t possibly stop her.

“I spent five hundred years with my master and five years with Lady Douve. I have no regrets concerning those things, but I know there are many people who don’t feel that way.”

I only know the way of the sword, fighting, and what happened in those woods. I have none of the things that make up most human beings: firm beliefs, a consuming madness, ambition, or even avarice. This is why I can’t stop her. That’s something I knew from the start.

“...You’re someone who should live a long time. Your life will certainly be more meaningful than mine.”

I leave the Regent’s room. I meet up with Ran and Saiga, who had been eavesdropping from outside. The four others from Tempera Village are there, as well. Of course, I’d sensed that the six of them were out here. It looks like they’re also aware of that, but it doesn’t change the fact that they were eavesdropping, and things are a little awkward for a moment.

“The Regent is free, if you need to speak to her.”

“No, um... Actually, I need to talk to you, Sansui. Ran’s four companions have decided to return to Tempera Village, so Ran and I will be accompanying them.”

Hearing that, there wasn’t anything else for me to say. There’s no meaning in Ran returning to her homeland. The only thing that awaits her in her homeland is tragedy. But, at the same time, the other four are simply too lacking in training. If they want to become stronger, they should go back to their homeland and swallow their pride.

That and Saiga becomes stronger the more Rare Arts he learns. No doubt he’s going there to learn presently unknown Arts.

“I see. I’m glad to hear that.”

“So... There’s something I wanted to say to you before that... Thank you for settling things without resorting to killing.”

Who I didn’t have to kill goes without saying. Although, while situations are so different that I can’t quite say, no doubt he feels that it applies to him as well.

“We’re very sorry for the trouble we caused you!”

The five of them bow deeply in apology. I can’t quite put a name on what I feel at that moment. But this, too, is the result of a decision I made. Of course, not everything stems from my decisions.

“I... Very well, I accept your apologies. No doubt what awaits you will be difficult, but try to remember the humility you’re feeling right now. Also... I don’t know if something might happen, as Eckesachs is accompanying you... But if you learn something about my master, I would appreciate it if you could tell me what you’ve heard.”

All told, if what Eckesachs says is true, then the one who most deserved to be killed was my master, back in his day. Even if he eventually became the master I know through his training, the people he was involved with at the time are still quite critical of him, and it’s not as though his crimes have vanished, either. Though, I suppose the descendants of his victims won’t really know what to say if his apprentice ends up offering them an apology after two thousand years.

“Please let them know that, depending on the circumstances, I, as his apprentice, will visit as well.”

I really, really would have preferred not to learn the shameful bits of my master’s past.