Chapter 58: I Love You, and I Hope You Know

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Chapter 58: I Love You, and I Hope You Know

What had he just done?

Yu Shenliu stood beside the car door, staring blankly at Chen Yuan, who was still sleeping peacefully inside. The spot on the back of his head where he had hit it was still throbbing faintly, and his mind was a complete mess.

Even now, Yu Shenliu still had not fully recovered. He had always considered himself an extremely rational person. Before he and Chen Yuan officially became lovers, he would never do anything inappropriate. Yet what he had just done without thinking proved that, when it came to Chen Yuan, he did not have nearly as much self-control as he had imagined.

He even unconsciously ran his tongue over his lips, tasting the faint sweetness left behind from Chen Yuan’s lips, and felt that impulse stir again.

There was no doubt about it. That had been a kiss, brief but sweet. It was precisely because it had been so sweet that it felt far too short, and precisely because it had been so short that it seemed all the sweeter.

Yu Shenliu raised a hand and touched his lips, feeling as though he, too, had gotten drunk. His entire head felt hazy and heavy.

He stood there dazed for a moment before bending down again, lifting Chen Yuan out of the car. He shut the door with his foot, then carried Chen Yuan upstairs and into the house.

Holding the person he loved in his arms while that person remained oblivious to his feelings was a complicated feeling. On the one hand, Yu Shenliu was happy to have this kind of intimacy; on the other, he could not help regretting the emptiness in his heart.

He could not help mocking himself for being so sentimental. This melancholy, overly emotional mood made him seem like some lovesick scholar.

When they reached the door, Yu Shenliu realized a problem: both his arms were occupied with Chen Yuan. How was he supposed to open the door?

He did not even consider waking Chen Yuan. After a moment’s thought, he lowered one arm enough to let Chen Yuan’s feet touch the ground. Then he slipped his other arm through Chen Yuan’s sleeve and brought it around, adjusting Chen Yuan’s position so that his head rested against Yu Shenliu’s shoulder and neck, leaving them in a posture that almost looked like an embrace.

Chen Yuan’s breath brushed against the side of Yu Shenliu’s ear and the hollow of his neck, tickling slightly, like a fine feather slowly teasing at his heart.

He instinctively tightened his arm around Chen Yuan, holding him closer. Even though having Chen Yuan’s breath against the side of his neck was not particularly comfortable, he still did not want to let go.

With his free hand, Yu Shenliu fumbled for his keys in his trouser pocket. Taking care not to disturb Chen Yuan made his movements even more awkward, and it took him quite a while to finally get the key out. He then shifted his body and managed to insert the key into the lock and open the door.

He picked Chen Yuan up again, carried him inside, and settled him on the soft couch before turning around to pull out the key and close the door.

Even though Yu Shenliu had no desire to wake Chen Yuan and had been as gentle as possible, the sound of the door closing still made Chen Yuan frown slightly. His eyelashes fluttered, as though he were beginning to regain consciousness.

But the tiny movement quickly stopped, and Yu Shenliu, who had already walked over, did not notice.

It was already very late. The sun had long since set, and Chen Yuan would normally have been asleep for a while by this hour.

Yu Shenliu sat in the chair opposite Chen Yuan and stared at him.

Chen Yuan was still asleep, apparently sleeping deeply. Even all the movement just now had not been enough to wake him.

His sister and Sis Li had both told him that he should make his feelings clear. Continuing to pine for Chen Yuan in secret would not get them anywhere, and Yu Shenliu knew they were right.

Given Chen Yuan’s personality, if he did not make his feelings clear, they might go on like this for decades without getting anywhere.

But some things were easier said than done.

He wanted to tell Chen Yuan how he felt, but how was he supposed to do it? Just come right out and say, “I like you”? Somehow, he felt that would not end well. Besides, it sounded far too ordinary.

Then what about, “My heart yearns for you”? Knowing Chen Yuan, he might just think Yu Shenliu was showing off his knowledge of classical Chinese. That was hardly any better.

As for more roundabout hints, his experiences the past few times had already taught him that beating around the bush only resulted in Chen Yuan completely missing his meaning.

And as for some candlelit heart-shaped confession or getting down on one knee to propose in the middle of the street… it was certainly romantic enough, but Yu Shenliu simply could not imagine himself doing something like that.

His mind was a complete mess. Yu Shenliu did not even know what he wanted to do. He stood up, took two steps forward, and looked down at Chen Yuan.

The world was a strange place. He and Chen Yuan should have been two people who never crossed paths, yet somehow, Huo Jian had brought Chen Yuan into his life, and everything that followed had slipped beyond his control.

Yu Shenliu knew perfectly well that Chen Yuan did not have an especially handsome face. In some ways, his personality was almost too mild-mannered. His background was unknown, he was full of mysteries, and his whole mystic act made him, in the eyes of others, anything but an ideal partner.

And yet, somehow, Yu Shenliu had fallen for this half-immortal who was nothing like an ordinary person.

He was completely different from the person Yu Shenliu had originally envisioned as his future partner. Yet he could not imagine himself falling for anyone else.

Without Chen Yuan, without that almost excessively calm and mild-mannered personality that sometimes made him seem like an old man who had seen it all, without those occasional flashes of youthful mischief, without that absolute confidence and pride in the field of metaphysics, how could it possibly be anyone else?

Even at the beginning, Yu Shenliu had never imagined that he would fall for someone like this. Yet now, he had been completely and utterly defeated.

It was just like those mysterious words Chen Yuan so often talked about: fate, destiny, what was meant to be.

Perhaps falling in love like this was something destined, too.

Perhaps Yu Shenliu was simply destined to fall for Chen Yuan.

Unable to resist, Yu Shenliu reached out and brushed his fingers over Chen Yuan’s cheek again. A faint flush from the alcohol still colored his cheeks, making him look especially good.

He was still asleep.

He was sleeping deeply.

A certain desire stirred within Yu Shenliu, slowly sending vines creeping through his heart until they seemed to fill it completely.

His gaze settled on Chen Yuan’s lips. He had tasted them just moments ago, and now he wanted to kiss them again. He wanted to taste that faint sweetness, tinged with the scent of alcohol.

He was still asleep.

He was sleeping deeply.

Chen Yuan would not wake up. He had slept soundly even through all that movement earlier, and this was normally when he would be asleep anyway.

Yu Shenliu stared at Chen Yuan’s lips, remembering how they had felt just moments ago. Soft, gentle lips. So soft and comfortable beneath his touch.

He was still asleep.

He was still sleeping deeply.

Yu Shenliu kept trying to convince himself, almost as if under a spell, as he braced one hand against the soft couch and slowly leaned down.

Closer and closer.

He could see every detail of Chen Yuan’s face. After watching him for so long, he was intimately familiar with nearly every little detail of that face.

When Chen Yuan was happy, the corners of his lips would curve up ever so slightly, such a subtle change that everyone else overlooked, but Yu Shenliu could always see it.

When he was displeased, his brows would draw down slightly. Chen Yuan rarely got angry enough to make that expression.

When he was being mischievous, his eyelids would lift and his eyes would brighten. After all, he was still young.

Yu Shenliu caught the warm breath carrying the faint scent of alcohol. His head was already lowered considerably, and now their breaths mingled. It felt almost as though they were exchanging souls.

He could see Chen Yuan’s fine eyelashes, casting a delicate shadow beneath his eyes, perfectly still.

The tips of their noses brushed lightly. He thought of the way little animals rubbed noses with each other, such an intimate gesture.

He tilted his head slightly and continued downward until their lips finally met.

In that instant, Yu Shenliu closed his eyes.

It was as though two planets, drawn irresistibly toward each other by immutable laws of force, had finally collided. Countless fragments of stars scattered in a boundless blaze of light. The heavens collapsed, the earth split apart, the oceans boiled away, and magma erupted to engulf the world.

Yu Shenliu had originally thought a light kiss would be enough to satisfy him, but once he actually did it, he realized he had underestimated his own greed.

He wanted more.

That hunger rising from deep within made him impatient for more. He tentatively extended the tip of his tongue and lightly traced the lips he had just kissed.

The taste of alcohol from their last kiss should have faded by now, but for some reason, Yu Shenliu seemed to taste a sweetness instead.

That sweetness made him kiss those soft lips again and again, even gently grazing them with his teeth. Yet he could not bring himself to bite too hard. He only nibbled lightly, licking them softly.

But even that was not enough.

Nothing could ever be enough.

His tongue grew bolder, slipping between those lips and lightly brushing against Chen Yuan’s teeth. He first traced the place where they met before moving farther in, coming into contact with the other tongue that had instinctively drawn back into his mouth.

The taste of alcohol.

He could taste that faint trace of alcohol again.

The faint taste of alcohol mingled with the desire burning inside him, and Yu Shenliu realized he could no longer stop.

He wanted to go deeper, to have more. He wanted more and more, unwilling to end the kiss, wanting it to continue like this forever.

Never before had he been more painfully aware of one thing:

He was completely and utterly doomed.

Then a sudden force surged from his chest, catching Yu Shenliu off guard and making him sit upright.

Almost immediately, Yu Shenliu’s heart jolted.

He had been caught!

Looking down, Yu Shenliu saw Chen Yuan staring up at him with wide eyes, breathing rapidly, his mouth slightly open.

He could still see the tongue that had just been thoroughly teased between his lips and teeth, while suspicious traces of moisture glistened on his lips.

After all that movement, Chen Yuan had already been half awake. After being kissed so intensely, it would have been strange if he had not woken up.

But now that he was awake, he was completely unable to process what had happened.

His mind was a mess.

What exactly had just happened? Had Yu Shenliu… been kissing him?

His lips felt strange. Supporting himself with one hand against the soft couch, Chen Yuan slowly sat up and touched his lips with the other.

They were still wet.

How had this happened? No, why had Yu Shenliu kissed him? How had things even gotten to this point?

Even Chen Yuan, with his usual composure, could not make sense of it all. He was completely bewildered.

How was he supposed to explain this? Say that he had only been tasting the alcohol?

Yu Shenliu was already thinking of all sorts of ridiculous excuses, but deep down, he knew there was no way he could brush this off this time.

He should have known that the excuse he had used to convince himself earlier, that Chen Yuan was asleep, had never been much of an excuse to begin with. And yet he had still followed his desire and kissed Chen Yuan.

He did not regret it in the slightest.

He even unconsciously licked his lips, then swallowed.

The two of them fell into an awkward silence.

Chen Yuan was the first to speak.

“You… just now?”

He could not even get the words out properly. He had no idea how to put what had happened into words, so all he could manage was that.

“Yuanyuan, I like you.”

At that moment, Yu Shenliu’s heart suddenly became calm. He said the words with an almost startling composure.

Only after they left his mouth did he realize that all the things he had been thinking about earlier had been completely useless. How was one supposed to express their feelings for someone? Why bother with flowery words or elaborate gestures? A simple, heartfelt admission of love was enough to express everything he wanted to say.

Other than those words, he could not think of anything that better conveyed how he felt.

And yet, now that he had said them, his heart was pounding.

He had thought he would tell Chen Yuan only after making all the necessary preparations. He had thought he would have a foolproof plan.

He had thought so many things, but he had never imagined that he would confess for the first time in his life, perhaps even the only time, in a situation this awkward.

He was telling a young man he had known for only a few months that he liked him, with the nervousness of some inexperienced boy who had just met his first love.

He anxiously waited for a response from the person he loved, hoping for a good answer while simultaneously dreading rejection.

He had not even dared to say love . He could only bring himself to say like .

Too much had happened today. Chen Yuan could barely process any of it. He had merely fallen asleep in the car, yet now he almost felt as though he had somehow transmigrated into another world again.

A friend he had known for quite some time had just told him he liked him.

And before that, he had caught this same person secretly kissing him.

What was this supposed to be?

He thought of how Yu Shenliu had taken such meticulous care of him from the very beginning, of all the inexplicable thoughtfulness he had shown him.

He remembered Yu Shenliu asking whether they could exchange shoes, Sis Li’s meaningful looks when they went to have his clothes made, and Yu Shenliu mentioning the pure-yang weddings at the banquet.

He thought of so many things.

It was like a montage of scenes flashing back through his mind. There had been so many clues.

Yu Shenliu’s actions and the way he looked at him had been saying something all along. Chen Yuan simply had never thought in that direction.

Even though he knew he had transmigrated, he still tended to view this world through the standards of the world he had come from, and as a result, he had overlooked a lot of things.

A country that had been gradually transitioning toward modern society since the Ming Dynasty would naturally retain traces of the dynasties that came before it. In ancient China, same-sex relationships were not regarded as something monstrous or unnatural. During the Ming Dynasty in particular, such relationships had become relatively commonplace, and many texts from the period recorded them.

Naturally, Huaxia had a high level of acceptance toward same-sex relationships as well.

In fact, judging from Yu Shenliu’s behavior alone, it was already obvious that in this world, whether someone was with a man or a woman was not particularly important.

Otherwise, as a government official concerned with his own career prospects, Yu Shenliu would never have been so open about it.

But that was not the point right now.

Regardless of what was considered normal in this world, Yu Shenliu had just told Chen Yuan that he liked him.

How was Chen Yuan supposed to respond?

Something that had originally been weighing on Yu Shenliu’s heart had become Chen Yuan’s problem the moment he said it aloud.

Even Chen Yuan, who was normally so composed, was at a loss. He even found himself wondering why Yu Shenliu had said it at all.

Chen Yuan was not good at rejecting people. Besides, he had regarded Yu Shenliu as a trusted friend for so long.

If he rejected him, would that hurt Yu Shenliu’s pride? Worse, would the two of them end up becoming strangers?

Chen Yuan had seen plenty of people who claimed they could remain friends after a breakup, only to end up becoming enemies instead.

Faced with this situation, he instinctively used those experiences as a reference, and hesitated.

What was he supposed to do?

“Yuanyuan, don’t reject me, okay?” Yu Shenliu said again.

He could see that Chen Yuan was hesitating, so he played dirty.

He knew that if he said this, Chen Yuan would probably find it difficult to reject him outright. And no matter how mature Chen Yuan’s mind was, given his limited experience, there were still plenty of things he did not understand when it came to relationships.

As long as Chen Yuan did not reject him immediately, Yu Shenliu had plenty of ways to slowly win him over.

Now that he had made his feelings clear, as long as he did not go too far, anything Yu Shenliu did would gradually build Chen Yuan’s affection for him.

Yu Shenliu was a cunning man. His anxiety and confusion from earlier had lasted only a moment. Once he regained his composure, he quickly took the upper hand.

Compared with him, no matter how perceptive or clever Chen Yuan was, he simply could not match Yu Shenliu’s experience.

So after hearing those words, Chen Yuan opened his mouth, but it took him a long while to finally speak. His words came out haltingly and uncertainly.

“I… I don’t know.”

Anyone who had been confessed to by someone they thought was simply a friend probably would not have reacted much better than Chen Yuan.

This attitude meant there was a chance!

Yu Shenliu secretly rejoiced, but all he did was smile at Chen Yuan, as though encouraging him to continue.

“I’ve never thought about it that much.”

Seeing Yu Shenliu’s expression steadied Chen Yuan, and his words gradually became more fluent.

“Being with someone or having a family of my own or anything like that… I really have never thought about it.”

A true master of metaphysics always seemed to have one shortcoming or another. Family, love, health, one aspect or another would always be lacking.

To a large extent, Chen Yuan had never considered having a family of his own precisely because of this.

“So I really don’t know…” Chen Yuan could only say that in the end.

Yu Shenliu’s lips curved upward.

“Then give me a chance?”

“I don’t want to force you to give me an answer right now. But everything I’ve told you before still stands. So, Yuanyuan, how about giving me a chance?”

A chance. A relationship. Perhaps the difference between those two things was not as great as it seemed.

Pressed step by step, Chen Yuan was genuinely flustered. He blinked and, in the end, could only hesitate before nodding.

Yu Shenliu smiled.

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