SOLITARY READING

When a person is kind, that’s enough to make them happy, my mother once said.

The loud buzz of his alarm clock hit his ears. He silenced it right away and got out of bed quickly. The morning light came in through the gap in the curtains, but the house was quiet. Nobody else seemed to be awake yet. He took a deep breath and went to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. When he got back to his room, he sighed with relief at the fact that he hadn’t run into anyone.

Ken Kaneki was a high school sophomore. And he’d been living in the Asaokas’ house—his aunt’s house—for a few years now. But something about the atmosphere of the house did not allow him to feel at ease. And maybe this’ll go on for the rest of my life.

He put on his school uniform, took his favorite book off the shelf and put it in his schoolbag. Suddenly he heard the house coming to life. It sounded like his aunt was awake. He heard her starting to make breakfast and yelling at the others to get up, and Kaneki left his room.

It was still a bit early to go to school, but the building would be open. As he crept quietly through the kitchen so as not to draw attention to himself, Kaneki saw his aunt. She’d arranged three place settings on the table. One for her, one for his uncle, and one for their son, Yuichi. Nothing for him. He didn’t belong there.

He made it through the kitchen and paused by the door to put on his shoes. He felt desperate to get out of the house.

“Just how long are you going to sleep, really?”

Unfortunately his aunt came out into the hallway to complain. She looked around and saw him there.

Unlike Kaneki, who froze up, his aunt turned away in a huff and disappeared back into the kitchen, still shouting for her son. Kaneki pursed his lips and left the house, his shoes not yet laced up.

Kaneki had lost his father when he was four. And then his mother passed away when he was ten. Since then, he’d been living with his aunt, his mother’s sister.

I don’t belong there.

It was easier to believe that he himself was the cause of this searing pain he felt.

When he got to school nobody else was in the classroom yet, and he felt very free. He cracked a window, took out the pastry that he’d bought on the way, and started reading the book he had brought from home. The book was one that he’d seen his father reading long ago. His late father had loved reading, and many of the books on the shelves in Kaneki’s room had belonged to him and now took their place as mementos.

He had no idea how much time went by. All he knew was that a gust of wind came in through the window he’d opened, flipping the pages of the book he was reading. When he looked up, he realized that his classmates were all around him, chatting away. Everybody came in and I didn’t notice. Kaneki felt strangely oppressed in the happy, buzzy atmosphere. He looked up at the clock on the wall. It was almost time for class to start. His breathing quickened.

“Kaneki! Hey, Kaneki!”

The voice was cheerful. He looked up and saw Hideyoshi Nagachika, his eternally happy friend. Unlike Kaneki, who could often be found reading quietly on his own, Hide was the happy-go-lucky, outgoing, irrepressible type. Backpack slung on his shoulders, he headed toward Kaneki, clutching a magazine in one hand.

“What’s up?”

“What do you mean, ‘what’s up’? My favorite band’s new album is finally coming out over here this weekend! I can’t calm down!”

“Oh. They’re from overseas, then?”

He slapped the magazine down on Kaneki’s desk with a bang. It was a women’s fashion magazine, one which most men would think twice about picking up. Kaneki was confused for a moment, but then he saw that there was a feature about Hide’s favorite band.

“Look!” he said, opening the magazine and sticking it in front of Kaneki’s eyes, so close it was nearly touching his nose.

“All right, calm down …”

Kaneki took the magazine from Hide and leaned back to take another look. This article’s a lot shorter than I imagined. Hide doesn’t look like the kind to care much about details, but he’s so passionate he collects little fragments of information like this.

“Oh, and there’s a really cute model in the spread about sandwich parties on the page before that one.”

“Never let it be said you don’t check every detail … Wait, what’s a sandwich party?”

He smirked.

“Anyway,” Hide continued, “I’m gonna go out and get it on the release date. I’m thinking I’ll find it somewhere in the 20th Ward.”

“What, nobody’s selling it around here?”

“Nobody that’s got the special posters and stuff! If I’m gonna buy it I gotta get the merch too. So, how about it? You coming with me?”

“Sure,” Kaneki said. Being at home on the weekends is exhausting. After the cold reception he’d received that morning, Hide’s invitation was very welcome.

“Did something happen, dude?”

Hide was surprised by Kaneki’s quick response.

“No …”

“All right. I just thought …”

Hide tilted his head, looking into Kaneki’s eyes. Feeling uncomfortable, Kaneki rubbed his jaw and said, “It’s nothing.”

“Right. Well, not long till the weekend. You better study up!”

He pulled a few more magazines out of his bag to go along with the one on Kaneki’s desk.

“Wait, that’s too much, man!”

Unfortunately, just then, their teacher came in. Kaneki looked at the clock—it was time for class. She didn’t seem to have noticed him talking with Hide.

Suddenly a sentence came to Kaneki’s mind. It was from “I Heard It in This Way,” an essay by Osamu Dazai.

One needs no more proof that a man is not lonely than that he does not read.

When he had read that he’d felt, quite apart from whatever intention Dazai had when he wrote it, that Dazai had uncovered the reason why Kaneki read, and it shook him to his core. And the more he thought about how quickly the time passed when he talked to Hide, the more meaningful Dazai’s words became.

But the knowledge and experience that books gave him were the fuel that kept Kaneki going. And that made them irreplaceable friends too.

For now I have to read these magazines by the end of the week, Kaneki thought as he listened to his teacher speak.

When school was over, Hide dragged him into a fast food place, because he said there was still so much about this band he wanted to talk about. But Hide only talked about music for a little while; the rest was just random stuff. As they talked the sun went down, and Kaneki got back to the Asaokas’ house much later than usual.

Talking to Hide had given him some distraction, but as soon as he got home his tension returned. He gave himself a few light pats to the chest to calm himself down before opening the door. He could hear the television on in the living room. Probably my aunt. He walked quickly to get to his room while her attention was elsewhere. But then the refrigerator in the kitchen caught his eye, and Kaneki stopped dead in his tracks.

That refrigerator was purchased with my mother’s money.

He remembered how ceaselessly his mother had worked. And the reason she’d had to do it was for his aunt’s family. She was always bothering mom about money for one thing or another.

That was not all. When his aunt’s husband had gotten into debt and quit his job, his mother had taken on the burden for some reason and had to work more and more. She worked herself to death.

When I was a kid I thought my aunt must really be having a hard time, but now I’m not so sure what the reality was.

She lives in this two-story house. There’s a big TV in the living room, with a huge white sofa and tons of plants. And that big, beautiful refrigerator is full of food. She kept begging my mom for money, but she was living better than we were.

A thick fog spread through his heart, one which would not dissipate.

He took a deep breath and tried to push the feelings away.

Mom always told me it was better to be the kind of person who gets hurt than the kind of person who hurts others. She told me that when a person is kind that’s enough to make them happy. No matter what life threw at her she always met it with a smile.

Kaneki had a deep respect for his mother. He wanted to treasure the words she had left with him. Trying to nip those negative feelings in the bud, he decided to ignore those emotions. He raised his head high.

Standing before him was his aunt.

He was so surprised that his heart skipped a beat. Instinctively he took a step backward.

He couldn’t hear the sound of the television anymore. She said she had decided to take a bath, and when she left the living room she saw Kaneki standing there. Overwhelmed by the urge to run away but unable to just ignore his aunt and leave, he was desperately scrambling for a topic of conversation when the weight of his schoolbag reminded him of Hide.

“Oh, uh, I’m going to hang out with Nagachika this weekend …” he said, mustering his courage. But as soon as he finished his sentence, his aunt turned and walked away.

“Oh.” The sound escaped from his half-opened lips.

She turned around. “You know, when you’re telling me things I couldn’t care less about, you look just like my sister,” she spat out, looking at him as if he were garbage. Then she turned and went into the bathroom. Kaneki’s bag slipped from his shoulder and fell with a thud to the floor. His heart felt like it was going to break.

II

Although he’d hurried because he thought he’d be late, Kaneki actually arrived before they were supposed to meet. He grabbed a seat on a bench, took a book out of his bag and started reading.

“Hey, you’re here early.”

Unusually, Hide got there early too.

“You too.”

“I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time! Did you read those magazines like I told you?”

Kaneki nodded at Hide, who was out of breath.

“Yeah, I read them. Over and over. I guess you’d like them back now …”

“Hold up, dude, they’re too heavy for me to take them back now!”

“Which is what I thought, which is why I didn’t bring them.”

“Smart as always, man!” said Hide. Relieved that his judgment had not been wrong, Kaneki put away his book and stood up.

Next, the two of them got on the train and headed to the music store where Hide wanted to go.

“Fully stocked as always.”

“Totally!”

Kaneki occasionally went to this music store with Hide. It was a small place but it had a huge range of CDs of all kinds, and you could tell they had a lot of love for artists.

Hide made a beeline to the CD he was after.

“Whoa, I finally got it!”

As he watched Hide, who was so excited about the CD and the bonus poster that came with it, Kaneki felt quietly envious. Hide’s emotions were very clear-cut and he seemed to take a lot of enjoyment from life. Kaneki wondered what life would be like if he were like Hide.

“Man, I want to open it now!”

“Huh? No, wait until we get home.”

“But I’ve waited so long already!”

Eventually Hide dragged him into a nearby café, where he sat down without ordering anything and gleefully tore at the plastic wrap like a child. Not knowing what else to do, Kaneki ordered a black coffee for himself and a cappuccino for Hide, then looked up at the TV hanging on the wall of the café. Hide was busy reading the lyrics from the CD’s insert.

“Do they give a Japanese translation for the lyrics?”

“No, just English.”

He squinted at the lyric sheet. Their coffees arrived, and Hide drank his cappuccino in one gulp before looking back at the insert.

“Do you understand the lyrics?”

“Mm, sort of.”

Hide’s better at English than he seems. He loves music in English so much that he started studying so he could understand the lyrics, but now his hobby is all-consuming.

Kaneki took a sip of his coffee and pulled his book out of his bag, so as not to disturb Hide.

“I think I’m gonna cry …” Hide said, a few minutes later, putting his hands to his eyes. He seemed to have finished doing the Japanese translation.

“Are the lyrics that good?”

“Yeah, but I just realized again that the album’s finally here, and it got me all emotional again …”

“Right …”

I’ve never seen him look this happy, Kaneki thought. A fleeting glance at the TV caught his attention.

“ … ward is also thought to be a Ghoul-related incident, but …”

“Ghouls are at it again, huh?” Hide muttered.

There are creatures in this world that eat humans, and we call them Ghouls, but despite the nonstop news about them, I’ve never gotten the chance to see one.

“There are guys whose job is to exterminate Ghouls, right? So what happens when they put themselves out of work?”

“But these Ghouls are superstrong, man. And they’re supposed to be pretty hard to track.”

“I guess that’s why they need pros.”

When he thought about the victims, a spark of anger ran through him. The world would be better off without such dangerous creatures.

“You never know, man, there could be 500-foot-tall Ghoul and humanoid robots battling it out somewhere every night for all we know.”

Hide’s thoughts were, as usual, on their own track.

“Hide, you’re too old to be watching that kind of crap.”

“I don’t anymore! I mean, I used to … I just think giant robots are really cool!”

“Sure, dude,” Kaneki laughed.

Hide bit his lip, hesitating. “I mean, you’re one to talk.”

“Me?”

“That book. Takatsuki whoever, that writer you like.”

Kaneki loved reading, but his favorite author by far was Sen Takatsuki, who was often called a genius of the horror-mystery world for her masterful writing and the precision of psychological detail in her works.

“I mean, there are monsters in those books, right?”

“No. Takatsuki depicts the ugly side of humanity in a vivid, realistic way, and although there are some characters called ‘monsters’, they are still humans, not …”

“All right, all right! I’m sorry I said anything!”

Hide stopped Kaneki just as he got started. I guess he thought I was going to go on for a while.

“You should try reading one,” Kaneki said, but Hide refused.

“No, man, the books you like just go over my head. Manga’s better than books anyway.”

“O tempora, o mores! The youth of today, honestly …”

“Honestly what? You’re a youth of today, too, you know! I mean, when I think about how I threw out even my favorite manga, it makes me wanna sob.”

“But you didn’t sob when you threw it away, did you?”

“Shut up, dude.”

As they bantered back and forth, Kaneki looked back up at the TV. The news anchor was saying that this incident seemed to be the work of a Ghoul with a big appetite. Ghouls are terrifying, even beyond what they do to their victims, Kaneki thought.

“Takatsuki’s novels make me realize that humanity is full of sin.”

Hide sighed and rested his head on his hands.

When they finished hanging out at the café, they headed back to their neighborhood.

“Oh, I meant to ask, can I come over to pick up those magazines I lent you?”

“Now?”

“Yeah, I think I’m just going to go home in a bit. I’m seeing Yu later.”

“Right.”

Kaneki sighed. They walked to the Asaokas’ house together.

“Hey, man.” Once they got close to the house, Hide seemed to have something he wanted to say. “You didn’t, like, try to memorize those articles in the magazines I lent you, right?”

“Uh, no? Why would …”

“You just seemed a little out of it this week.”

A sense of relief washed over him instantly. The cause, of course, was not the magazines. It’s because my aunt is ignoring me and I’m drowning in melancholy.

Kaneki didn’t know what expression his face should have, and he looked down.

“You’re so serious, man. You know, you don’t have to give everything your all,” Hide said, mock playfully, trying to lighten the mood. Kaneki gave a vague smile.

“You’re right,” he said, eventually.

“Memorization burns you out …”

Suddenly the mood did feel a little lighter. Just sharing this moment, this feeling with someone else, instead of dealing with it alone …

“Just wait here, I’ll go get the magazines,” Kaneki said, feeling embarrassed as they approached the door to the Asaokas’ house. But when he opened the door, something unbelievable happened.

“Welcome home.”

He’d never heard those words come out of his aunt’s mouth before. He had taken off his shoes and started heading for his room when she emerged from the living room. Confused by her clearly changed attitude, he stuttered. “I just got home …”

“I tidied your room.”

“What?”

She did not grin or say anything else. She simply returned to the living room. Although he didn’t understand what she meant, Kaneki said, “All right” and went to his room.

Maybe she’s changed her mind and she’s trying to reach out to me now. Mom always said, if we refrain from blaming others and remain sincere, understanding will eventually come.

But he couldn’t see anything that convenient happening any time soon. Still uncomprehending, he opened the door to his room and went inside.

He exclaimed in surprise.

And he froze on the spot. His bookshelf, which had been filled with all his favorite books, was now empty.

He was stunned into silence. He looked, disbelievingly, at where his books should be, but there was nothing there. Before he understood what had happened, he began to tremble. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead.

“Why?”

Kaneki moved like a shot. He felt around in the corners of the room and looked under the shelf, thinking they must be somewhere, but they were not.

He remembered what his aunt had said.

“Hey!”

He ran out of the room and rushed to the living room, where his aunt was. She looked annoyed.

“Where are my books?”

“I put them out with the recycling.”

The words were like a blow to him. With each pound of his heart the terrible pain in his head grew.

“There were magazines practically bursting out of your room, you know. So I put everything together. There were so many books I had to be careful not to leave marks on the floor when I dragged the bag out of there,” she said, turning back to the TV.

“But those books were important to me …”

“Oh, were they? I’m sorry.”

No matter how pained his voice got, his aunt would not give him a second glance. It was like his voice didn’t reach her. No matter what I do, it’s useless.

Kaneki, who had to walk on eggshells just to be able to live in this house, was in so much pain he wanted to cry.

When Kaneki came out of the house, the look on his face made Hide raise his eyebrows.

“Kaneki? What happened, man, you’re pale as a ghost!”

He wiped the sweat from his brow and began to explain what had happened.

“Hide, I’m … I’m sorry. My aunt didn’t know the magazines were yours and she threw them out …”

“What?”

“So I’m not sure what to do. I could buy you more, if that’s all right? I mean, if they’re still on sale. Are they? I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful …”

“Hey, man …” Hide grabbed Kaneki by the shoulder. “Calm down! Just tell me what happened.”

He bit his lip. I can’t believe this is really happening, I can’t accept it. But I have to tell him.

“My aunt put all of my books out with the recycling.”

“What? All of them? What the hell?”

“Your magazines went too. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Who cares about that right now?! What happened to your books, where are they?”

What can I even do? They’re not where I thought they might be. They’re never coming back.

“It’s too late.”

If I don’t tell him that I think that, Hide will go crazy with worry.

Kaneki desperately attempted to smile. Hide started to furiously run his fingers through his own hair. He turned and looked at Kaneki with passion in his eyes.

“Man, are you just going to take that?”

The feelings he had been trying to keep under control were suddenly unleashed by his friend’s very serious, very un-Hide-like stare.

No, I’m not going to take it. Because those books were important to me. And the ones I bought myself were good too. But I can’t lose my dad’s books. They let me remember him. They eased my solitude. Why did she have to do this? What have I ever done to her? It’s just too cruel—too, too cruel!

But Kaneki clamped his hands over his mouth.

In times like these his mother’s voice came to him. Telling him to be a person who is hurt, rather than one who hurts others.

“It’s all right.”

Kaneki smiled.

“I’m fine.”

As long as I live in this house, I just have to shut up and take it.

“Everything’s fine.”

But Kaneki rubbed his chin, as if his hand were unable to stop moving from anxiety. The gesture was reflected back to him in Hide’s eyes.

“Got it,” Hide said loudly, and nodded. Whether in acceptance or agreement with Kaneki’s words, it was a disproportionate response. He was trying to be strong to shake off Kaneki’s worries.

Before Kaneki understood what Hide meant by “Got it,” Hide had already walked past him. He turned and saw him walking into the Asaokas’ house.

“Hey! Hide!”

When he chased after him into the house, Hide was shouting. When Kaneki’s aunt came out into the hallway, Hide yelled, “Did you seriously throw away his books? Some of those were mine too!”

At that, Kaneki’s aunt looked upset. “Yours?”

“Yes! Really important stuff! And you actually threw it all away?!”

Hide shouted exaggeratedly, his eyes fixed on Kaneki’s aunt.

“Or can I catch it before they take it all away? Oh God, and the Yuu-chan’s Sandwich Party: ‘I’ll let you have some if you’re good’ special feature! No!”

Hide clasped his hands together like he was praying as he walked toward her. She didn’t seem to want to deal with this anymore. She took a glance at Kaneki, then said, “I don’t know.”

“Right, I’m gonna go look! Oh, and I guess you threw Kaneki’s books out by mistake, too, so I’ll get those too!”

“Do as you like,” she said uneasily, before grumbling her way back to the living room. Hide, full of adrenaline, pumped his fist in the air.

“All right, man, let’s go!”

And just like that he ran out of the house.

“H-Hide, where are you going?”

Kaneki trailed behind him, confused by all the latest developments.

“To find your books!” he screamed.

“My books?”

“Yeah!”

Hide’s facial expression all but shouted, Well, duh, presenting Kaneki with an option. It brought light to Kaneki’s heart when he’d started to think there was nothing to do but give up.

“B-but where?”

“I told you, didn’t I? How I cried when my favorite manga got thrown out?”

He told me that at the café. Not much of a story.

“Well, I studied up after that. So I know exactly where the books in this area go!”

Hide laughed confidently, then said, “C’mon, let’s go!” and started off. Kaneki followed after him, his hands balled up into fists, realizing that his voice had finally reached Hide after all.

“Oh, that house. Yes, I collected them. I remember because there were so many.”

When they went to the collection center and asked the staff, as soon as Kaneki said the address the trash collector knew where he meant. Kaneki and Hide turned to look at each other.

“So they are here!”

“Well, that is the thing, boys. You see, there are rather a lot of books here …”

It was true, there was a mountain of books behind him. Finding Kaneki’s books would be like finding the proverbial needle in the haystack.

“Kaneki, will you be able to tell?”

“I’ll take a look.”

Still, he looked hopeful that they might be there somewhere. Kaneki reached out to the mountain of books as if he were going to tackle it. Hide started looking too, for the magazines he’d lent Kaneki.

The next thing they knew, the sun had gone down and the first stars had started twinkling in the sky. Kaneki silently rolled up his sleeves and left the sweat on his brow alone—he had just found a women’s magazine that looked familiar buried under some books.

“This is …”

He pulled it out in a hurry, only to find that it was a bundle of magazines bound together with clear tape. The cover had the name of Hide’s favorite band on it.

“Hide! Magazines! The ones you lent me!”

“No way!”

Relieved that he could at least return the magazines to Hide, Kaneki held them out, but Hide didn’t even look. He began digging around where Kaneki had found them.

“Look, man, your magazines …”

“Who the hell cares? If those were here, then your books ought to be around here too!”

He was surprised, but when he looked at where Hide was digging, he started seeing familiar covers—a bundle of books by Osamu Dazai. And that wasn’t all. When he really started looking, lots of the books Hide dug out were Kaneki’s.

“I’ve always been good at treasure hunts!” Hide said proudly. He looked ecstatic.

“Thank you,” Kaneki said softly, overcome.

Hide crouched down to look Kaneki in the eye, then smiled.

“This one’s soaked! That bitch!”

With that word, Hide brought it all crashing back down. Kaneki bit his lip trying to keep his face from flushing. He nodded.

“You found lots! Quite a lot indeed. Hm, shall we give you a lift back?”

The staff member looked on in sympathy at the two boys, who were exhausted from their search. He decided to send two employees with them. Once the books were loaded into a truck’s bed, Kaneki and Hide got in the back too and lay down. They weren’t used to working that hard, and they hurt all over, but the vibrations as they drove were a comfort to their tired bodies.

“But what if she throws them out again?” said Kaneki timidly.

“Just tell her the staff said that they were all collector’s items that’ll be worth something in five or six years’ time! Might change her point of view if she thought there was money in it.”

“But why five or six years’ time?”

Hide put his arms behind his head.

“Because then we’ll be adults. And when we’re adults we can do whatever we want. Listen, Kaneki. Are you gonna go to college?”

“Oh, um, yeah.”

“So when you go to college you can finally live on your own!”

Hide was full of good thoughts.

“On my own …”

“That’s right! And we can hang out as much as we want! And finally have girls over!”

“Man, I don’t have a girlfriend. And neither do you!”

“Idiot, I’m telling you what college life is gonna be like! All you have to do to get girls is go to college!”

“Unbelievably wrong.”

But Hide’s great expectations could not be stopped by a little comment like that.

“Even you might find a pretty girl who likes books!”

“W-whaaat?”

I can’t keep up with Hide’s positivity, but in the bottom of my heart I always thought there was a little light in the darkness. I thought I was gonna be locked away in my aunt’s house forever, all freedom taken away. But I’m getting older, and soon I’ll be able to stand on my own two feet.

“It’s gonna be great!”

The carefree smile on Hide’s face brought out a hint of a smile from Kaneki. When I live by myself I can finally have somewhere to belong.

“Where do you wanna live? Because I was thinking …” Hide asked, his train of thought still rolling ahead. Kaneki listened to him talk, as he looked up at the stars.

It wasn’t long before they pulled up in front of the Asaoka house. The two staffers yelled out to Kaneki’s aunt.

“A child who treasures books this much will grow up to be a fine man! Take good care of him.”

This was uncomfortable advice for her to hear. She was not the kind of woman to listen to what others had to say. But after that, she never again interfered with Kaneki’s things, perhaps thinking that anything to do with Kaneki wasn’t very important at all. It was easier for Kaneki to deal with indifference, and he became a little more defiant.

Maybe this is how people actually grow up, how they change. How they become free.

Things are hard now, sure, but one day I’ll escape from here.

This spark of hope became his driving force.

“Oh, Rize, your blood type’s AB?! Me too!”

And then, from one cage to another—