Loss 3: Defining the Heart

Loss 3: Defining the Heart

Loss 3:

Defining the Heart

M ONDAY, DECEMBER 21ST. NOT A CLOUD FROM yesterday’s rain remained in the sky.

Even though I’d already woken up an hour before my normal time to get to school early, I was still a latecomer compared to the campus’s regular early birds. Sports clubs had practice, for one thing, but even the hallways were alive with instruments blaring from the music room—the band club getting ready for the big concert.

That turned to background noise as I entered the west annex. The art room was comparatively quieter, though I could see the light was on. If students were out and about this early, you could be sure the teachers were too.

I stopped at the end of a lonely hallway, in front of the lit club room. Yawning, I checked my watch. On any other day, I’d have been scolding Kaju for trying to help me change right about now.

I heard shuffling on the other side of the door. Bracing myself for social interaction, I opened it.

“Morning, Nukumizu. Been a while, huh?” Former president Tamaki Shintarou, soon-to-be college student and boyfriend to Tsukinoki-senpai, looked up groggily from his science textbook. “Koto told me what happened yesterday. Sounds like it was pandemonium.”

I returned his weary smile with one of my own. “Sorry we kept things from you. Maybe we shouldn’t have.”

I’d gotten in touch with him last night, said we had to talk, and he suggested we do so in the club room. Tsukinoki-senpai and Shikiya-san had a past, and chances were he knew what that past was.

“I’m sure Koto had you on a gag order. Come over here. You can sit.” I took the seat across from him. “I’ve been kinda swamped lately.” He lowered his gaze back to the textbook and marked the page with a sticky note.

“You’re switching over to STEM, I hear. How’s that going? Confident you’ll pass the exam?”

It was no easy thing, applying to a science program with an arts background. Especially in the last semester of your final year in high school. As if that weren’t enough, he was gunning for one of the most selective universities in the prefecture.

“Managed to squeak out an A in my last practice test, so that’s something. Feels like the only handicap I haven’t given myself is picking a private school.”

“Wow. Impressive. How’s Tsukinoki-senpai coming along?”

The smile part of his tired smile vanished, leaving only exhaustion. “Her ‘plan’ is to pick every private school in Nagoya with her preferred subject and just blitz every exam. Her practice tests have been…fine, I guess.”

They were for certain going to be apart, then. I didn’t have to ask if they were nervous. That went without saying.

For every high school sweetheart story, there were ten more where the transition to university was a fatal one.

“Sorry for dragging you away from all that,” I said. “I’m sure you’re busy.”

“If anyone should apologize for this, it’s not you. I’ll talk to the faculty and the student council. I’ll get that book back one way or another.” He gave a confidence-inspiring grin. The one I returned apparently wasn’t quite as convincing, because he then asked, “Something else on your mind?”

“Thing is, the faculty don’t know about the book. Neither do the student council. It’s just the vice president.”

Tamaki-senpai looked taken aback. “Basori-san? The first-year? What’s her deal?”

“She’s sort of got a bone to pick with the literature club. Specifically, Tsukinoki-senpai.” I heaved a sigh it was far too early for. “I’ve already tried to get it back from her. She made me make a deal. If I want it back, I have to do a favor for her.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound sketchy at all.”

It kinda was. Definitely a little bit sketchy.

“You haven’t even heard what the favor is.”

“What is it?”

I paused for dramatic effect then faced Tamaki-senpai dead-on. “Settle things between Shikiya-san and Tsukinoki-senpai.”

Senpai changed. From his expression to his posture.

I leaned forward. “What happened between them?”

He got quiet and shut his eyes, in deep thought. And then he shook his head. “I need some time. I’m sorry.”

“Sure. I understand.”

That spectral elephant in the room was going to have to get comfortable for a while longer. Tamaki-senpai wouldn’t have evaded the question for anything less than an extremely good reason.

I scoffed at myself. Now wasn’t the time. Not yet. The details were the least of my concerns. “I’m still going to need your help, Senpai, if you’re willing to lend it.”

“You know I am, but with what?”

“This problem’s never going to solve itself. It has to be them. I think they need to have a talk.”

Tamaki-senpai balked. “You think they’ll just waltz into a room together because we asked them to? Koto especially?”

“They’d never. Tsukinoki-senpai especially.” And after yesterday? Not a chance. But something had to be done or that bridge would stay smoldering forever. “They’re going to need some kind of push. Something out of the ordinary. A common enemy. Something to get the ball rolling.”

“True, but how exactly are you going to provide that?”

“Borrowing this for a sec.” I took an eraser from his pencil bag and placed it in the middle of the table. “Let’s say you and Tsukinoki-senpai meet up someplace, and Shikiya-san’s waiting at that same place, at the same time, for a different reason.” I pulled the cap off a highlighter next and stood it up next to the eraser. “Eventually, they’d notice each other. And that’s when we message them, saying we’re going to be a little late.”

“Trick them into meeting up.”

“But they have to know they were tricked. We have to make ourselves the common enemy.”

“Y’know what?” Tamaki-senpai knocked the cap over with the eraser. “It’s worth a shot.”

The cap rolled in an arc, coming to a stop back in its original position.

“It’ll be a gamble, granted,” I said.

“One way or another, though, something’s getting settled. Even if they end up ditching.”

He had a point. Making up was just one possibility out of the multitude that comprised “settling things.” And that was all Tiara-san had asked me to do—put an end to it.

“Question now is how to lure them out.” Senpai pulled out his phone. “This Thursday is Christmas Eve, right? Koto and I are planning to have dinner that evening and see the lights at the station together.”

Christmas lights. Station. That sly dog. “Round two, huh?”

A year ago, before he and Tsukinoki-senpai started dating, he’d made the blunder of a lifetime and screwed up a picture-perfect confession in that very same scenario. Sure, everything had turned out fine in the end, but getting there had been a process. A long and meandering process.

“You could try inviting Shikiya-san to that. That ‘out of the ordinary’ enough?”

“But this is your first Christmas together. You sure you wanna use it on this?”

“As long as we get to have dinner. And there’s always next year. And the year after that.” His lips curled into that weary grin he’d practiced a thousand times before. “Who knows where Shikiya-san stands in all this, but personally, I remember a time when they were close. If they had to say goodbye on bad terms, I’d just…”

“Feel sorry for them?”

“Guilty, more like.” Before I could press him on that, he started to gather his things. “Thursday, 6 p.m. Pedway right in front of the lights. That’s where Koto’ll be. All you gotta do is make sure Shikiya-san’s there.”

“Got it. And all on the down-low, of course.”

Senpai left, and I stayed to get my thoughts in order. I had to get her to those lights on the twenty-fourth. Couldn’t do much else until then.

I repeated that date. December 24th. Christmas Eve.

I was asking Shikiya-san out on Christmas Eve.

***

“I’m off to class. Again.”

Yakishio left the club room that evening, shoulders sagging. Only Komari and I remained. I wondered about her being at club when she was technically not allowed to be attending those, but then again it wasn’t like we did much but sit around anyway.

I checked my calendar. The big day was on the night of the twenty-fourth. It was the twenty-first now, so I couldn’t waste any time making plans. No time to process the fact that I was inviting a girl out on a Christmas date.

“Not a date,” I muttered to myself. “Just a thing that happens to fall on the twenty-fourth. Nothing weird about it.”

Komari looked at me like I was crazy. “T-talking to your imaginary friends now?”

Now that was just rude. I may have had a habit of blurring the line between delusion and reality, but they were perfectly healthy delusions, thank you very much.

“Thinking, believe it or not. Hey, this Christmas Eve—”

The door opening interrupted my train of thought. Yanami gingerly peered inside. “Hello. I see the gang’s all here.”

“Uh, hi? What’s gotten into you?”

“I, uh, sorta have an apology to make.” She twirled her hair around her finger. Komari and I exchanged confused glances, then Yanami’s head shot down. “I’m sorry about yesterday!”

“Yesterday?”

“With Lemon-chan! She went to karaoke because I muddied things up, didn’t she? That’s what she told me, anyway. She filled me in on everything, and then I felt super bad.”

I’d nearly forgotten. Honestly, there was no telling how at fault Yanami really was for Yakishio’s own misreading of something. “I mean, for what it’s worth, I don’t think Yakishio being at the café would’ve changed anything. I’m the one who should’ve been there sooner.”

Komari bobbed her head. “A-and I told Tsukinoki-senpai I was with the s-scary girl.”

True. That was the source of the blow-up, wasn’t it? “So it was mostly Komari’s fault,” I concluded.

“D-die.”

If she didn’t want me to dig her grave, she shouldn’t have given me the shovel.

I was surprised to see Yanami genuinely apologetic about something. There might have been more to her mistake than she was letting on, but I could investigate that later.

“Hey, Yanami-san, what’re you doing on the night of the twenty-fourth?”

She blinked a few times. “Spending time with family. Why?”

“They’re doing a light show at the station. You should come with me.”

A one-on-one with Shikiya-san would be weird. Multiple people made for a harmless little outing.

“Wha—?! You’re… Huh?! You’re serious?!” Yanami flew off the handle, glancing back and forth between me and Komari.

Okay, it might have been a little sudden, but did she have to overreact like that? “Not forcing you or anything. How about you, Komari?”

The small one jolted with a squawk. “S-screw you! Die! Then die again!”

Sheesh, tough crowd. Christmas Eve was a busy time of year, though. Maybe I was asking too much.

“All right then. Guess I’ll try Yakishio.” I took out my phone.

“What?” the girls harmonized. Even their low, angry tones matched. The next second, they had me cornered on both sides.

Wait, what? Why? What was their problem? Whose blood were they after? Surely not mine.

Yanami loomed over me, arms crossed. “Sit down, Nukumizu-kun.”

“Already am,” I pointed out intelligently.

She pointed her thumb to the ground. “Downer.”

What in the world was going on?

“Can we all chill for a second? Hey, Komari? Help me out here.”

“Y-you have the right to remain silent.”

So much for a jury of my peers. Her glaring at me like I was human garbage was nothing new, but this was a whole nother level of disgust.

“Guys, everyone, calm down. What did I even do?” More disgust. No reply. Was I just going to take this? Me? A man? “Now look here! I, um… Yes, ma’am.”

Real men knew when to cede the field. I got down on the floor and sat on my heels.

Venom filled Yanami’s eyes. “Do you know what you did, Nukumizu-kun?”

That was the big mystery. “I, um, asked you to come to the lights at the station with me.”

“And then you immediately went to Komari-chan. And when she said no, you tried to go to Lemon-chan. Explain yourself.”

What was there to explain? “Well, if I’m going with Shikiya-senpai, then—”

“You’re what ?! Her too?! Do you have even a single shred of dignity?!”

“Oh, I guess I never told you guys. Tamaki-senpai and I are planning to get her and Tsukinoki-senpai together. I’ve gotta go out with Shikiya-senpai on the twenty-fourth. That’s why I was asking you guys…for…help?”

My explanation seemed to be having the opposite of the desired effect on their moods.

“What?” I pleaded. “What did I say?”

Their faces went red with rage.

“That right there, Nukumizu-kun!” Yanami snapped.

“S-screw you and die!”

And then they turned their backs to me. All I’d done was forget to fill them in, for crying out loud.

“So Christmas Eve…?” I ventured tentatively.

Yanami leered at me over her shoulder. “Unfortunately, I’m having dinner with family. You’ll figure something out.”

Komari leered next. “I-I’m getting cake with the shrimps. S-so die. Alone.”

This was harsh, even for them. No doubt they’d hear about it if I went and asked Yakishio anyway, and then I’d never hear the end of it. Looked like I was in this by myself.

That said, how was I even going to broach the subject after yesterday?

I could almost still feel her cold, willowy hand. I’d never felt anything like it. It wasn’t Yakishio’s, strong and confident like when she’d dragged me along the beach. It wasn’t Kaju’s, small and clingy. It was like glass. Delicate. Desperate. But not that kind of desperate; there had been no love, nor anything even hinting at such an emotion, in her touch. That much I was certain of.

I shut my eyes and tried to remember. What had she thought when she held my hand? What had she felt?

Loneliness. Sadness.

And what had I felt?

Those emotions didn’t come as readily to me. The harder I tried to identify them, the more convoluted they seemed. Why?

I remembered her face next, soaked from the rain. Tiara-san had been right. She could look sad. Terribly sad. Who knew whether the grief I’d seen matched the one Tiara-san had, but I didn’t doubt we’d reached the same conclusions.

My resolve found, I slowly opened my eyes and returned to the club room. Albeit from a lower angle than usual.

How long was I supposed to be on the floor for?

***

I checked the lock on my bedroom door one more time. There’d be no interruptions tonight.

I changed back into my uniform and stood in front of my full-length mirror. Head: forty-five degree angle. Face: aloof. “You. Me. This Thursday. Toyohashi station. Christmas lights?”

Nailed it. The practice was paying off. And I was indeed practicing. As if I’d ask out a senpai on Christmas Eve without a plan in place.

No doubt I had to go about this with confidence, but were the one-, two-word sentences too far? Maybe that was too far.

I cleared my throat and reassumed my pose. More natural this time. “So hey, I heard they’ve got those Christmas lights up at the station again this year. Wanna check ’em out with me on Christmas Eve?”

Yeah, that was good. Conversational. I could slip that in anywhere.

“Oniisama, might I suggest something a little less direct?”

“If I do that, my concern is she might not even notice that it’s an invitation.”

“If she doesn’t, it’s because she did and is letting you down easy. There’s not a single woman on Earth who wouldn’t understand the underlying implications.”

Seriously? Damn, women.

“So, Kaju, mind telling me what you’re doing in here? I thought I locked the door.”

“No, you didn’t. It was wide open. I came to return one of your light novels.” Kaju beamed and handed said light novel over.

It definitely hadn’t been wide open. I had to get that door checked out, because this happened way too often.

Kaju plopped her smug self down on my bed. She wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

I moved to my desk and nonchalantly opened the textbook there. “All right, well, your brother has homework to do. Back to your room.”

“So who’s the lucky girl?”

No dice. She wasn’t letting this go.

I shoved my nose deeper into the textbook. “She’s, uh…someone. Shouldn’t you be in bed? You’ve got to be up early tomorrow.” I started pretending to focus on homework when I heard sniveling and immediately whipped around. Sure enough, Kaju had tears rolling down her cheeks. “H-hey, what’s wrong?!”

“Oh, Oniisama… Not half a year ago, you were friendless. And now here you are. Asking someone out on Christmas Eve. I’m moved. Simply moved.” She trumpeted her nose into a tissue.

“It’s seriously not at all what you think it is. It’s, uh…complicated.”

“To be honest, you had me a little worried for a second there, stringing so many ladies along.”

“Never happened, but okay.”

Kaju stood, wiping her eyes. “But you’ve finally made your choice, and I couldn’t be happier for you. Interviews can come later! In the meantime, I’ll do everything I can to help!” But the interviews would come, I noted. Still teary-eyed, Kaju wrapped my head in her arms. “You make sure you knock her dead on that date. I’ll handle the rest. The Nukumizus will be ready and waiting to accept their newest member. Oh, I hope we can cook together on New Year’s. And I’ll have to start considering how to pass on the knowledge from my thirty-plus-volume Oniisama-pedia.”

Oniisama-what now? How many volumes? I decided I didn’t care to hear her repeat that.

“Slow down a sec, Kaju.” I peeled her off of me. “Not a date, okay? We’re just going out together.”

“On Christmas Eve, though.”

“Well, yeah, technically.”

“Then it’s a date. You’re asking her on a date.”

I winced. Suddenly, despite my best efforts to keep it at arm’s length, that four-letter word dominated my mind.

“But don’t worry, Oniisama. On the one-in-a-million chance that she turns you down,” Kaju pulled my head in again, tighter this time, “you’ll still have me.”

“G-great.”

There were three days till Christmas Eve. And I was not doing great.

***

My lunch that day was a humble bit of curry bread. I munched on it as I meandered through the old building.

It was Wednesday. Christmas Eve was tomorrow. And I had yet to invite a certain someone. Which was absolutely not to say I hadn’t tried. To what extent was irrelevant. One couldn’t rush such things. The important thing was I’d tried . Why, just last night Kaju and I had practiced together.

Satisfied with my decidedly reasonable justifications, I opened the door to the fire escape stairs, and got hit in the face with a biting breeze. Oh right, this was why I hadn’t been out here quite as much lately.

“N-Nukumizu. Surprised to see you.”

I looked up. Komari was perched on the stairs. “It’s freezing out here. What in the world are you—”

A better question came to me once I processed what I was looking at. She not only had on earmuffs, a scarf, and a baggy winter hanten, but was swaddled in a throw blanket, and she’d even somehow prepared a cushion to shield her rear against the cold metal.

“Where did you even get all that? You bring it all?”

Komari sneered smugly, pointing at the wall. “A-a little at a time. I put a h-hook in the access hole there. To hang a bag from.” This girl had going to her happy place down to a science. “Y-you don’t come here much anymore.”

She nibbled on some bread. More specifically a flavored bread stick , national nutritional hero to the people and picky children the country over. I had no doubts she’d taken it from her rugrats’ stash.

There went my alone time.

Before I could decide to take my leave to a different floor, Komari asked, “H-how’s the thing tomorrow coming?” The “thing” being inviting Shikiya-san out. She took the silence for my answer and shook her head. “J-just message her or something.”

“I considered that, but like, what if she says no? She’ll probably say no. It’s Christmas Eve.”

“P-probably. Especially if it’s y-you asking.”

Unnecessary qualification.

“What I’m saying is that invitations by DM get ignored nine times out of ten. If that happens, I can’t ask in person, because then they’ll be like, ‘Wow, look at this guy who can’t get a clue,’ y’know?”

“Y-you have to ask first for her to reject you, idiot.”

Fair, if not a tad insensitive to my delicate masculine sensibilities.

“I’m not worried about it. I can still run it by her after school. Watch. Future me’s got this.”

“F-future you’s not very far off.”

Living in the moment was an important skill. So I did just that—leaned against the rail and ate my curry bread.

Then, out of nowhere, Komari started getting fidgety, glancing left and right.

“You waiting for someone or something?”

“N-no, I… I-I just—here.” She thrust a small package at me. I recognized that wrapping. It was the thing she’d dropped after Tiara-san and I had crêpes.

“Uh, is that for me?”

Komari nodded almost imperceptibly. I couldn’t see her eyes.

A gift? Where was this coming from?

I gingerly unwrapped it. Inside was a golden, metal bookmark, engraved with an ornate Japanese design. It was pretty fancy. I liked it.

“For Christmas?” I asked. “But I didn’t get you anything.”

“N-no, it’s… It’s just for you.”

“You mean my birthday?”

A birthday present. From Komari. Was hell about to freeze over? I felt on top of the world. Like that moment when the cat finally lets you pet it.

I examined the pattern against the light. “This is pretty intricate. It wasn’t expensive, was it?”