12.

Guilt.

Memories from last night assaulted me the moment I woke up, along with a fully restored consciousness, and that guilt intensified with every passing moment, especially when P'Phim called.

I spoke in a measured tone, but he didn't seem to notice. A million things raced through my head, trying to shake off the scent and cool taste of cigarettes from my memory.

He wasn't serious, was he? What we talked about last night...

'I’d rather you say yes again.'

Anwar and me…? That’s impossible.
Maybe he was just joking because he was drunk. Maybe he just wanted to tease me.
There's no reason he would seriously invite me like that.

Compare me to everyone he hangs out with – Kit, Ashley, Sydney …

There's no one even remotely close to my level. It's obvious.

"Blue, Blue?"

"Yes?" I pulled myself out of my thoughts, hearing P'Phim's voice. He called my name
repeatedly. "What is it?"

"Why are you so quiet?"

"Nothing, just thinking about random things," I replied.

It's impossible. Anwar knows I already have a boyfriend, even if our relationship is rocky.

"P'Phim, can I ask something?" I blurted out when I had the thought.

In this kind of relationship, in your opinion, if you're the one who speaks first, you become the one who destroys the relationship. But no, it's the person who cheats who does that.

After hearing that from Anwar, I kept thinking about it, trying to understand, and found it to be exactly as Anwar said, without a flaw.

If P'Phim never considered my feelings, never thought of me before acting…

Why should I be the one to worry about everything alone?

"Ask away."

"Right now…" I took a deep breath. What I was about to ask went against my usual self. It's not that I hadn't wondered, but I hadn't dared to even think, let alone ask.

'He's treating you too poorly. You deserve better.'

"Right now… are we still dating?" I never imagined I could ask that question so firmly.

P'Phim seemed shocked. He sounded surprised. "Why are you asking like that, Blue?"

"I’m just wondering."

"Why are you wondering? If we weren’t dating, why would I bother to call you so often?"

P'Phim’s voice was firm, before he turned the question back on me.

"What are you wondering? Why are you wondering that?"

"I just think that maybe, now, we might be considered…" I pursed my lips, trying to find the best words to avoid hurting him. "I don't know. Like… just friends."

"Is it because you went to study in America that made you feel that way?"

It's because of you, P'Phim.

P'Phim's cheating made me feel that way. It's what made me want to escape here in the first place.

"Blue, you only went to study the language for a few months. It’s nothing. I love you, why would I not wait?" His voice softened, as if trying to appease me. "Don’t think we’re distant just because of that, okay?"

I've lost again.

Even though I felt strange and uneasy, hearing those kind words and his gentle tone from P'Phim, I found myself back in the same place.

"Okay?" P'Phim asked again when I was silent.

"Okay."

"Say you love me first, quickly! Do you love me?"

I pressed my forehead against the pillow, ignoring all the strange feelings in my heart, and did what he wanted again.

"I love you."

"Good. I love you too, Blue. Love you most, you know. Don't go and fall for any foreigners while you're in the US for months, or you’ll be in trouble!" He laughed lightly, a somewhat lighthearted threat. I couldn't smile.

The guilt I felt was so overwhelming, it was hard to even laugh at his joke.

"Who would I even meet? There's no one."

After hanging up with P'Phim, I sat thinking about how I would act if I had to face Anwar.

P'Phim's words made me anxious.

Anwar's face, up close, was vividly etched in my memory.

What happened – the kiss between us – was completely unexpected. Because I never
anticipated it, I didn't know how to react to it, to him.

In the end, I still didn't want to be the one in the wrong.

I sighed, dropping my pen on the table. Knowing that reviewing my studies wasn't getting me anywhere, I decided to go take a shower.

In two days, Jasper's project deadline was coming. He was going to celebrate by ordering food and beer for everyone. It would be a big dinner and a chance to spend time together after everyone had been busy with their own lives for several weeks.

Since I've been here, I've never seen them all together, doing something as a group. Hazel rarely came back to the apartment. She was doing an internship in the marketing department of a big brand. Jasper was busy with his art project, and Audrey had just started a new part-time job and had dance rehearsals at the studio.

A small party in the apartment? I wondered what the atmosphere would be like. It sounded like fun.

After showering, my head felt much clearer. I lay there watching YouTube until I glanced at the clock and saw it was midnight. If I went downstairs now, I might have a chance to see Anwar.

He usually came out around midnight or 1 AM, sat at the kitchen counter, sipped Jameson whiskey, and let his cat, B, rub against his legs. It was a sight I was starting to get used to, even though I'd almost forgotten it for a week due to Anwar's cold behavior.

And I saw him, really.

Awkwardness washed over me.

The more I looked at him, the more my brain replayed the memory I most wanted to forget.

It wouldn't stop.

Anwar smirked as soon as our eyes met. He nodded slightly. "Hungry?"

"Not really."

His eyebrow immediately arched, his slender eyes narrowing slightly. "Something wrong?"

he asked.

As I suspected, Anwar was someone who picked up on details about others quickly. He always read situations and emotions well. I felt like I couldn't hide anything from him, especially with his gaze fixed on me.
I'd thought about it countless times, for hours since waking up.

Should I avoid Anwar?

I was worried about our awkwardness, about acting like a stranger, and also about feeling guilty towards P'Phim.

But Anwar was someone I didn't want to treat that way. I didn't want all the shared moments and our relationship to become empty, but I was too afraid to confront him.

"I wanted to ask... Can I ask you something?" Anwar shifted, seeming to wait expectantly for my question.

"About last night," I began. Just those few words made it hard to breathe, but Anwar
remained calm and didn't interrupt, so I continued quickly.

"I just wanted to know... were you just kidding when you asked me that?"

My question silenced Anwar for several seconds. He used that time to observe me in return.

"What do you think?"

"I think you were just kidding, right?" To be honest, I wasn't sure about what I'd just said.

But if I'd answered, I think you were serious, I wouldn't have been sure of that answer either.

Because I truly didn't know what Anwar was thinking then, or now.

I didn't even know why that kiss happened.

And it's not just Anwar. Even I didn't know what compelled me to say 'Yes' like that.

"Did you want me to answer that way?"

What kind of experimental question was that? I almost thought Anwar was just playing with me.

But no, he had a serious expression. No teasing smile, just a direct gaze and attentive listening.

If I'd been braver, I might have answered something like, "Answer however you want," or "Tell the truth."

But I was far too timid.

"Uh-huh," I bit my lower lip lightly.
Anwar nodded. He smiled at me again. "So that's it."

It was that simple.

Even though it was the easiest answer for me, why did it feel so strange?

Actually, to confess, the kiss was amazing. The best kiss I'd ever had in my life. I never thought I'd feel better about a kiss with someone other than my own boyfriend.

But that's the problem.

I felt like I was standing at a crossroads, unable to confidently decide which way to go.

Anwar wasn't the path I should take; I knew that. He's surrounded by many people. A single kiss with someone like me probably didn't mean much to him.

But that kiss pushed me from where I stood, but I couldn't approach Anwar. If I retreated, I was afraid...

Afraid he'd ignore me again like before.

"I didn't do anything to upset you, did I?" I asked hesitantly, fearfully.

The more I tried to assess his expression and mood, the more nervous I became.

Would he be angry? Probably not.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Okay."

Anwar seemed to understand my thoughts. After a long gaze into my eyes, he sighed softly.

"Blue, whatever you're worried about..."

"..."

"Just...don't worry, okay?"

"Okay."

Anwar loosely crossed his arms. He continued to stare at me intently, while I felt myself shrinking smaller and smaller.

Why did I suddenly feel like a child who'd done something wrong and been caught by an adult?

"Are we... friends?" I only realized after asking how incredibly naive the question sounded.

It blurted out everything I was thinking and worrying about, without him even having to ask.

"We are, if you want to be." But Anwar answered simply, as if he wasn't bothered by what I'd just implied. He casually picked up his coffee cup and took a sip.

I couldn't tell if he was being kind, indulging me to avoid making me uncomfortable, or if he simply didn't care from the start.

Whatever. In any case, every answer I got was exactly what I wanted to hear.

There were no signs of irritation, anger, or the threatened indifference. Anwar acted
completely normal, as if we were discussing hamburgers or art trends.

That's good.

This is good.

Even though I thought that, it still felt very strange.

I bit my lower lip softly. My fingertips lightly grazed the glass of Coke in my hand. My eyes wandered to anything but the person sitting across from me.

..

..

Jasper's small project completion party.

We'd ordered several pizzas, along with toasts, beer, crunchy snacks, and some Chinese food that appeared from nowhere because Audrey suddenly felt like having it.

Then came the same blonde woman, the one he'd brought here when I first moved in.

"Helena," I only learned her name today. They arrived as the last couple, about 20 minutes after the food had been served.
I didn't know where to look. I tried to distract myself by focusing on something else, but my gaze kept drifting back to them.

Helena wasn't as forceful as Kit, nor as openly flirtatious as Ashley. She was composed, aloof; her model-like appearance made them seem even more suited to each other sitting side-by-side.

Usually, Anwar would sit quietly, reacting to whatever she did. But today was different. He leaned his head onto Helena's shoulder while glancing at something on his phone,
occasionally murmuring something in a very low voice and flashing that smile I loved so often.

It felt strange. I felt like I was going crazy, but because of that image of us kissing endlessly seared into my mind from when we made up, I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore.

And I definitely shouldn't be thinking about it with someone else sitting beside him like this. "Hey, Audrey's birthday is next week," Jasper leaned in and whispered to the group while Audrey went downstairs to take a phone call. He pretended to increase the volume of the TV, making it so loud that we all had to lean closer together to hear him.

"Party? Surprise?"

"Last year we didn't have one, and she cried when I gave her that small cake the next day,"

Hazel said with a laugh. "Let's make it really big, okay?"

"Let's do it. How big? Should we invite the Barnards?" Anwar nodded in agreement.
"Who are you even close to, anyway? You mix with everyone, acting like you're not socially awkward or something," Jasper slumped onto the sofa. "But even then, if we have it here, we can easily invite a lot of people."

"No going upstairs anymore. Last time we had a party, someone went into my room and rummaged through things."

"Yuck!" Jasper exclaimed as soon as Hazel finished speaking. Even Anwar frowned and made a strange, disapproving face. A fleeting look of amusement crossed his face before disappearing.

"Let's talk about this later," Anwar cut in as Audrey came back upstairs.

"What the hell are you guys blasting so loud for down there!?" Audrey yelled over the sound of machine gun fire from the movie. Jasper pretended to complain but lowered the volume. The reason for turning it up so loud was to get Audrey to go talk on her phone elsewhere.

I kept drinking Coke. Tomorrow wasn't a holiday; I had to go to school in the morning, so I didn't touch a drop of beer. But Jasper, Anwar, Audrey, and Helena quickly finished it all.

When I started feeling sleepy, I went upstairs to shower. It was around the same time Jasper and Hazel were heading to their rooms. If Audrey wasn't staying over, she would probably be leaving too.

I spent a short time in the bathroom. The faint scent of soap made me want to just fall asleep, but I had to go back downstairs because I'd forgotten my phone.

"Can I kiss you?" The pleading tone was surprisingly flat. I froze, unable to take another step down the stairs. But from where I stood, I could still see who was speaking.

Helena, sitting on the sofa, slowly stood up. In a single stride, she reached Anwar, who was standing and smoking a cigarette.

Though I only saw a fraction of her face, I clearly saw the emptiness in her expressionless features. Anwar put out his cigarette, bent his head slightly to exhale a wisp of smoke, then lifted his face and pressed his lips to hers as Helena loosely put her arms around his waist.

My heart clenched. The scent of menthol and the taste of mint flooded my senses, bringing back memories.

Anwar continued kissing the person in front of him before pulling away and lighting another cigarette.

I didn't see Helena's expression, but she remained still for several seconds, allowing silence to settle over the place. At that moment, I thought it might be okay to reveal myself.

But my body froze again at her next words.

"Don't you like me?"

"I appreciate you."

"Then what about love? Can you love me?"

Unlike his quick reply to the previous question, this time Anwar was silent.

"Why don't you answer?"

"Helena, we've already talked about this," Anwar replied in a calm, steady voice. "Isn't what we have now good enough? Am I not making you feel good enough or something?"

"It's not that you're not doing well."

"Then what is it? Why do you care so much about the difference between liking and loving someone?"

"I don't want you to be with anyone else."

Anwar's gaze turned cold, like the look he'd give a stranger. It was a stark contrast to the gentle tone and tender demeanor he'd chosen. If only Helena would look back into his eyes...

I had no idea how she would feel.

How would I feel if someone I was begging for love looked at me like that?

"Can’t you just like me? Love me?"

I felt completely out of place. The oppressive atmosphere made it hard to breathe. I wanted my phone back, but at the same time I wanted to turn around and go back to my room, but my feet were frozen to the spot.

"You know I don’t want a girlfriend," Anwar said softly. He reached out and gently touched her hair. "So what am I supposed to do, then?"

Anwar leaned over to stub out his cigarette on the ashtray. His cold, sharp gaze met mine so quickly I was taken aback. It felt like an electric shock to the brain. I couldn’t even meet his gaze.

My body automatically turned and ran back upstairs to the third floor, before things got worse.

I bit my lip.

What am I going to do? I’m too scared to go back down. If I wait, I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait. I can’t sleep either; without my phone, how am I going to wake up tomorrow?

Knock knock…

A soft knock on the door made me spring up from where I was lying down.

What should I do?

He’s definitely angry that he saw me standing there listening.

I hesitated for a moment, but I saw no other choice than to open the door. Anwar stood
silently in front of me. He stared at me intently. Even though a large door separated us, I felt like I was standing alone, waiting for a huge wave to crash over me with nothing to protect me.

Is he going to be angry?

"You left your phone," he mumbled, holding up the thin iPhone.

"Thank you," I reached for it. Anwar looked at me for a moment longer. Seeing that, I
waited, anticipating him saying something. My heart pounded anxiously, fearing he’d bring up what happened earlier.

"Are you going to Audrey’s birthday party?"

"I’m not sure. I’ll probably go to see Audrey, but I don’t know anyone else who’s going." I was still tense, even though he’d changed the subject. "I heard a lot of people are going."

"Quite a few, yeah. Audrey is well-loved."

"No surprise there," I smiled. I loved Audrey too, even though I’d only known her for less than a month. She’s easygoing, friendly, and always smiling; anyone would like her.

"Well," Anwar started to back away. He furrowed his brows slightly before smoothing them out, seeming to catch himself. "See you at the party."

"See you next week."

"Next week?"

"I have a photoshoot in Utah." He nodded. "Sleep well. See you next week." See you next week… I repeated the phrase in my head, watching his broad back slowly
disappear down the stairs to the second floor.

Anwar didn’t bring up what happened earlier.

That’s it? He caught me eavesdropping, gave me my phone back, and then see you next week?

No cold gaze, no reprimand, no questions. There wasn’t even a trace of the Anwar from just moments ago; it was as if I’d imagined it all.

A cold gaze coupled with a gentle tone, a soft touch despite a slightly irritated expression…

I’m sure I saw all that, and it was quite unsettling, even though I wasn't the one he was directing it at.

I think I don’t know Anwar at all. What kind of person is he really?

And that look… did he ever give me that look when I wasn’t seeing it?