13.

'Blue, what the hell are you trying to say? I've seen your boyfriend following Yiwa every day.

He even picks her up after school. Are you guys still together?'

I stared intently at the message on my screen, unsure how I should feel. The notification following that message was from Sao, saying he missed me.

Yiwa is a girl in my class, a friend since the first summer semester. We're in different groups, but she's a good friend. I even told P'Phim that I wanted to be closer to her.

Yiwa and P'…

I didn’t know how to feel about what I’d just heard. My relationship with P’Phim is a secret, so I don’t blame Yiwa in this situation.

Okay.

That’s all I sent back, trying to keep my tone neutral. My close friend responded almost
instantly—less than three seconds later, his name appeared on my screen.

"Hello?"

"So… are you okay with this?" I heard the question, flopped onto my back on the bed,
staring at the clean white ceiling.

It’s hard to answer. Is it okay?

No? Or maybe? But I’m so used to situations like this. The silence roared in my head before I let out a soft sigh.

I don’t know if this is sadness… but definitely disappointment.

I don’t know how high my expectations were, or when they started to diminish. Maybe it was recently, the day I felt like it was enough and I didn’t want to endure it anymore.

"He's with Yiwa, right?"

"Yeah, picking her up and dropping her off like that. Probably doesn't sees her as a junior."

"Since when?"

"Last week until yesterday. He asked me not to tell you, but I thought you should know. Are you still dating him?"

"Uh-huh. Still… I guess. Thanks."

Can I even say we’re still dating? I gently bit my lower lip.

"What are you going to do? Are you really going to continue dating him?"

"I don’t know," I replied vaguely. My brain felt overloaded and achy, but there were no clear thoughts, just the worry of what I’d learned, replaying over and over.

"Don’t be so vague! Sharing someone with someone else secretly, you need to decide
whether you’re going to continue this!" he demanded, his voice irritated.

I pressed my lips together.

"I don’t know. I don’t want to break up yet." There are still a lot of good memories. Before, when P'Phim was the one initiating things, it was really great. We were very close. Even after we started dating, there were many good months.

"Then what’s the point of holding onto this?" Sao started a long rant. His words barely registered; one thought kept circling in my head, a question I’d just had.

Why do I always have to be the one hurting because of him? Will there ever be a day he feels that way because of me?

"Sao," I interrupted, ignoring what he was saying, "why does it feel so suffocating when he cheats?"

Sao fell silent immediately. He probably didn’t know how to answer, but it’s okay; I didn’t really need an answer anyway.

"What if I did it too? Would he feel the same?" And if he felt the same, would he understand me and stop doing it?

"Hey…" A shocked voice came through the phone almost instantly after I finished. "Have you gone crazy?"

"Why? Would he feel anything?"

"If he likes you even a little, he’d probably feel something. But if he doesn’t like you, he’d probably be chill. Don’t even think about doing that. If he liked you that much from the beginning, there wouldn’t be someone else besides you." I understood Sao’s words; it’s something I’ve thought many times. But if he doesn’t like me, why is he continuing the relationship? When I asked him what we were, why he still said he loved me…

Where exactly is the problem? I can’t see a solution at all.

"Push it until you really want to do it. You're going to cheat on him?"

I furrowed my brows. Of course, I didn’t have an answer for Sao. Seeing my expression, Sao chuckled softly.

My silence a moment ago wasn’t because I didn’t have an answer. I bit my lower lip hard, because someone’s face became sharply clear in my mind the very second Sao asked.

"Don’t do it, man. I’m warning you. What kind of good person would be someone else’s lover?"

"It doesn’t have to be a good person," I retorted softly. "I’m looking for someone to cheat with, not a replacement boyfriend."

"Oh my god, you’re so reckless! I’m going to tell Gus and Nile that their friend has gone
crazy. Think it over properly. If you cry again, I'm going to rub it in."

"I know, I won’t cry. I’m not a crybaby," I frowned, replying without any thought or
consideration to my words.

"Instead of doing this kind of revenge, why not find some fun and happiness for yourself? If you want to experience things, live a thrilling life before returning to Thailand, no one will stop you. But this isn't about revenge; it's completely different."

"..."

"You don’t have to tie yourself to him. While you’re there, you’ll probably meet a lot of
handsome, cool foreigners, right? Or maybe cute, sexy girls. Or you could be alone, call us up to play games and stop feeling lonely… We haven’t said much before because we didn’t think we knew enough about your relationship to offer advice or warnings, but what we’re seeing is obvious. It’s not just gossip that the younger generation might make up for fun over
drinks."

"Oh."

"What is it? Are you going to continue with the relationship or what?"

"I… I don’t know. I’ve just been waiting, hoping that one day he’ll go back to how he used to be," I said what I was thinking. "I think maybe he’s just bored and lonely now because of his heavy workload, and we haven’t seen each other."

"Even if you’re fooling yourself, if he goes back to being the same, will you be able to date him again with peace of mind? Can you forget everything he’s done?"

"I know," I frowned. It was a truth I acknowledged, yet simultaneously ignored, simply to avoid arguments and breakups. But that peace of mind, that lost feeling, isn't easily regained.

"You’ve already rejected him, haven't you? Otherwise, why would you even bother going all the way to America? Don’t let your brain and those fleeting memories fool you."

"..."

"Like I said, since you know everything, we won't say anything more. But if you want to do what you're thinking, get a new partner or whatever, I want you to do it because you want to, because of yourself, not to spite anyone."

"I know," I heard Sao say a few more words before the call dropped.

I was too preoccupied with other thoughts to even say goodbye to my friend.

Looking for someone to cheat with, not a replacement boyfriend, or get a new
partner—saying it is easy, but actually saying it to his face, or actually doing
something...would someone like me even dare? No way. I was just talking. Actually doing it?

I don't think so. Besides, wasn't it me who went and told Anwar to stop playing games about that night? If I really wanted to find someone, downloading Tinder or something would be easier, right?

But Anwar does seem like a good option if I really wanted to go through with it. He's
good-looking, polite, cool—plenty of things to make P'Phim feel inferior. But I wouldn't dare. I can't even hold his gaze for long without looking away.

Truthfully, I don't think I'd do that just to spite P'Phim. It's too extreme; it's not like me at all.

Even if you're fooling yourself...

If you’re doing it to gain experience, to live a fun and adventurous life before returning to Thailand, no one will stop you.

Another thought: forget about P'Phim and try a new life for yourself.

Anwar is too dangerous for someone like me, for this idea. I'm not unaware of that fact.

But if I want to do anything here, whether for myself or for P'Phim, I can't deny that Anwar is the first and only person who comes to mind.

If it's Anwar, it might be okay.

If I just don't fall in love, it might be perfectly okay.

..

..

"Are you back already?"

I glanced up at the two people in front of me. One was Hazel, her face impassive, the owner of the previous sentence. The other was a stranger I didn't recognize; a woman with her dark hair cut short at the nape of her neck, delicately shaped eyebrows, and captivating dark brown eyes looking intently at Hazel.

"I only came for Audrey’s birthday."

Why was the atmosphere so tense?

I glanced at Jasper, who was grilling something at the bar. A little further away was Anwar, surrounded by people at a small counter area.

There were more than thirty people at this party. More than half had gathered here since… (something happened related to a near-ruined surprise party) The surprise almost failed because Jasper accidentally ran into someone carrying a gift box out of a car not far from here. Luckily, that person claimed he was buying a gift for his mother's birthday.

When he texted that he’d spotted Audrey near the building, everyone here rushed around, frantically preparing. They successfully surprised Audrey, who looked completely stunned when she walked in and saw the large cake, the birthday song, decorations, streamers, and the mountain of presents everyone had piled into her arms. She cried but kept smiling broadly, so much that everyone had to crowd around her, comforting and teasing her for
several minutes.

For the next hour or so, things calmed down. Some groups clustered around Audrey and Jasper by the electric stove. Others leaned against the walls, drinking alcohol and crowding around Anwar, who was mixing various cocktails for the guests. Still others sat chatting on the sofas. I squeezed myself into this area too, even though I hardly knew anyone. If Hazel
wasn't sitting here with me, it would have been much worse.

But even though we were sitting together, the atmosphere now felt strange.

"Anyway, I have a room here, so why wouldn’t I be here? And I’m staying the night," Ruby said in a calm voice. She had only arrived at the party a few dozen minutes ago.

Was this her? I don't quite remember.

If I'm not mistaken, Ruby is the person Jasper mentioned on my first day here. He said Hazel had a roommate named Ruby, but that they fought.

If that's true, it would explain the situation quite well.

I pursed my lips, steadily sipping my beer, not knowing what else to do. My phone was picked up and scrolled through after I started getting tired of listening to the conversations around me. I don't know exactly when it happened, but Hazel and Ruby began talking more and more until they eventually decided to go upstairs to clear the air.

P'Phim has really changed. After our relationship was starting to improve for a while, a couple of days after he talked to me about Yiwa, he started acting strangely. He didn't call at his usual times, he didn't read my messages, and sometimes he read them without replying.

I'm not someone who demands much; when I see that kind of behavior, I usually keep it to myself.

Frustration, anger, discomfort, unease, disappointment – everything.

I kept it all bottled up until today.

My eyes stopped on a photo Yiwa had posted on her Instagram story. My index finger tapped the screen, holding the image in place, preventing it from changing. The good mood and positive emotions I'd had a moment ago plummeted to my feet. Sadness overwhelmed me. Yiwa was leaning on someone's shoulder in the picture. Although she didn't tag the person and only the side of their face was visible, I still recognized who it was.

"He took me out for sushi <3'," was all the caption said.

I pursed my lips, choosing to go to Yiwa's Instagram profile. I found her most recent post: a picture of two people holding hands. Only their arms and torsos were visible, but I still recognized P'Phim's watch.

This was the first time I'd seen a photo like this, with one of his female friends.

"One month ❤️"

I stared intently at the caption and the red heart emoji.

One month? One month?

A faint laugh escaped my throat. Numbness crept into my fingers and face as my heart beat slowly and heavily.

I put my beer bottle down on the coffee table. I stumbled slightly when I stood, then decided to go back upstairs. On the second floor, three or four people were chatting on the sofa, and someone was trying to throw away bread at the counter. Seeing that, I continued up to the third floor, intending to find a quiet place to be alone.

As soon as I sat down on the third-floor sofa, I immediately called P'Phim. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was all the bad feelings piling up, but I felt like I was about to break.

What gave him the nerve to do that?

Yiwa was a classmate of mine, in almost every class. Even if we weren't close friends within our friend group, we saw each other almost every day at university. For him to get so close to someone so near to me… does that mean he doesn't care at all? And then she says they're dating, says he loves her. What does that even mean?

And what about "one month"?

Does that mean that besides other people outside my faculty that I don't know, there's one of my friends who's been dating him for a whole month without me knowing?

He wasn't just casually pursuing her, they were already dating beforehand? The ringing went on and on. I waited silently, my mind racing. P'Phim didn't answer the
phone. Even though I gritted my teeth and called a second time, something I never do.

P'Phim

What are you doing?

Blue wants to talk to you.

How could you do this? With...

I stared at all the messages I'd sent, including the unfinished word "Yiwa," staring at it for a long time before finally deleting it.

Someone walked up to the third floor. Footsteps pulled me from my reverie. Anwar came up, carrying a few bottles of liquor. He hesitated when he saw me, but then smiled and started a conversation.

"Why are you up here alone?" I watched as the tall figure stopped at the bar. He was
bending down and looking around, as if searching for something. His fingertips traced the top of the bar before he pulled out several more bottles of liquor. "Isn't the party fun?"

"No," I replied, lowering my eyes to look at the same messages from earlier. He hasn't even read them yet.

It felt like I was about to lose it.

It felt like my patience was a single, frayed thread, about to snap any second.

I sighed softly, deciding to lock my screen and look up at Anwar instead, trying to calm myself. The tall figure looked good in his usual simple attire. He was wearing a white shirt, casually rolled up to his elbows, revealing his wrist and watch. He was wearing dark jeans. He looked incredibly handsome, as always. I hadn't spoken to Anwar since then. The next morning he left for his Utah work trip as planned, and he came back late today. We sang Audrey's birthday song and gave her presents for almost an hour before he appeared. We didn't really talk; we didn't even greet each other. Only Anwar's gaze flicked towards me a couple of times from across the room, but that's it.

"Are you drunk yet?" Anwar asked, smiling. He leaned his forearms on the luxurious bar, his handsome face tilted slightly as he looked at me.

"A little," I slumped my head onto the sofa, trying to guess what Anwar was thinking from his expression and demeanor.

Trying to think about anything but Yiwa and P'Phim.

It would be nice if I could easily read him.
"Another drink?" he asked, picking up a clear glass and placing it on the bar. As soon as I nodded, he started pouring liquor smoothly. I don't know if he intended for me to drink it, but right now, I’m just trying to find something to do to relieve my stress.

Less than a minute later, a pale yellow drink was served in front of me. I stood up from the sofa and went to the other side of the counter.

"What is it?"

"Bees Knees. Try it."

I nodded and took a sip. I don't usually like hard liquor because I find it too strong and it makes me grimace every time I try it. But this drink, made by Anwar, had the strong taste and smell mellowed by honey.

"Delicious," I complimented, and switched from sipping to drinking. Anwar gave a small, faint smile and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Do you mind?" he asked.

I quickly shook my head, watching Anwar put a cigarette in his mouth. The crisp sound of a Zippo lighter ignited before a wisp of pale smoke rose from the end of the cigarette. My eyes fell on the Zippo he placed on the bar. It was engraved with the Supreme logo.

"Can I have one?" I stood there for several seconds before blurting out the request.

Anwar raised an eyebrow. He didn't seem to expect me to ask for a cigarette. He handed
me the pack after a moment of eye contact.
For the first time, I managed not to avoid his gaze. "Are you going downstairs?" I nodded towards the many bottles of liquor Anwar had pulled out from the shelf. He had quite a collection down there.

"Yeah, but I'm starting to get lazy," he replied with a smile. "I just got back, and I want to relax more than anything, but the birthday girl seems determined not to let me rest."

I chuckled softly.

"Didn't bring anyone with you today?"

Anwar raised his eyebrows slightly at the question. His sharp eyes narrowed, almost as if he was considering the implications of my question. I didn’t even know why I asked that.

I just wanted to know, and I was bold enough to ask, so I did.

"Did you want me to bring someone?"

"I don’t know. Usually, I see you bringing people to parties like this. Don’t you?" Anwar continued to look at me with the same intense gaze, while I tried to maintain a calm expression.

"There are times when I want to be alone," Anwar extinguished his cigarette in an empty beer bottle.

Alone.

"And now?" I blurted out, and then I was the one who faltered when Anwar responded without hesitation.

"Now I’m with you."

I didn't know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't deny the good feeling I had from what I heard.

Yiwa's caption, all the pictures, P'Phim's behavior, the declaration of love, what Sao said, what I’ve been thinking over the past week, Anwar's smile, and the kiss I once received…

everything was swirling around in my mind.

P’Phim's story was stuck at the tip of my tongue. I wanted to tell him something, to vent all the tension I was carrying, but right now, it felt like there was nothing left for me to say.

There were no more excuses I could make for him. The hopes I had set were too high, and they crumbled. I didn’t want advice, I didn’t want comfort.

There was truly nothing left to say.

Anwar picked up another glass and started drinking, a silent signal that he would stay here with me. I took a deep drag of the cigarette, letting the smoke burn my throat. I felt like I could smoke and control my breathing better than the first time. No more coughing fits.

"How was the photoshoot?" I changed the subject, steering away from the thoughts swirling in my head.

"It was… fine. Nothing special. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's tiring and boring."

I never thought I could do something like that. Standing in front of a camera seemed
horrifying to someone as shy as me. While Anwar found it boring. Many of his Instagram photos looked amazing. I’d never seen those expressions on Anwar’s face in person. They were incredibly charming.

But then again, it’s not like his usual expressions lack charm.

"What’s with that phone? You’ve been gripping it so tightly for a while now," he lowered his eyes to look at the phone in my hand. "Waiting for a text or call from someone?"

"No," I replied softly, before adding, "Actually, I was waiting until now."
"And now?"

"Now I’m with you," I echoed his earlier words. Anwar looked stunned for a moment before a smile spread across his face, his eyes sparkling.

The thoughts in my head still wouldn't go away, and they were becoming increasingly insistent, urging me to do something, to escape.

"I…"

"Yes?"

"I think… I might break up with my boyfriend," I avoided his gaze, eyes fixed on my drink. "I don’t know if I should break up or not, but the way things are now is confusing and makes me feel terrible."

Even though I said I didn't know, the answer in my head was clearer than that.
Because there was no room left for me to stand in this suffocating relationship. Even if I wanted to force it, I’d already tumbled out of that circle.

"Can I ask why you’re thinking of breaking up?"

"I don’t want to feel like such a fool anymore. But because he was my first boyfriend, my first relationship, and it had been so good for so long… I… I felt like I wanted to make it last, to make it the best. But the more I tried, the worse it got. And now, it's probably the worst it could possibly be."

Anwar listened quietly. He nodded slightly when I finished.

"You’re not breaking up with your boyfriend. You’re breaking up with someone who doesn’t care about you," Anwar said with a smile. "What do you want to do now?"

"I want to forget about him for a while, I guess, before I do anything else. Can I ask for another one?" I replied hesitantly, immediately voicing my request as I saw Anwar light a new cigarette and casually sip his beer. The sweetness of it was stuck in my mind. It was a strange sensation—the cool cigarette and mint cutting through the sweetness of the honey.

It was a flavor I really loved.

"Last cigarette," Anwar showed me the empty pack, causing me to stick out my lower lip. His dark eyebrows rose. The cigarette left his lips after one final drag. "Unless you want to share this one."

I pursed my lips, clearly aware of his challenging gaze. Normally, I would have refused and silently sipped my cocktail. But something… my courage, it was overflowing, and I responded differently.

"Can I?"

And maybe I really had lost my mind, just like he said.

The fear, the self-estimation I'd roughly calculated, now seemed distant, far from my subconscious.

Anwar chuckled softly in his throat. He shook his head, his gaze giving me the feeling of being reprimanded, but I chose to ignore it and boldly reached for the cigarette he offered.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

The cool kiss, the warm touch of his lips pressing against mine, his hand lingering on my cheek.

I kept thinking about it until I felt guilty, but even so, the images were still vivid behind my eyelids. Being here, making eye contact with his tall, still figure on the other side of the bar, the wild thoughts that had sprung up after talking to Seo kept assaulting me relentlessly.

I used to think I wasn’t brave enough.

But Anwar's attraction and the alcohol in my system had completely changed everything.

"Blue,"

"I…" I took a slow drag of my cigarette, watching Anwar put down his glass and slowly lean closer.

The taste of mint lingered on my tongue.

"Do you realize what you’re staring at right now?" The question made me tear my gaze away from his perfectly shaped lips and meet his. His blue eyes, usually sparkling, were now fixed on mine.

"..."

"You should stop looking like that," he said in a slightly teasing, yet seductive tone, his gaze sweeping over me, making my cheeks flush.

"I can’t," I replied. The smoke from my cigarette drifted away, just like my inhibitions. "I can’t stop thinking about things I shouldn’t."

Anwar’s eyes glittered strangely. He didn’t look away from me for a single second, yet I didn’t feel uncomfortable in the slightest.

"Are you drunk?"

"I think I am, a little."

The tall figure chuckled softly, seeming pleased with my honest answer. He leaned in closer, the bar no longer a barrier. "So, what should I do with a drunk person acting like this?"

His strong hand reached out, his slender fingers gently taking the cigarette from my lips…

…and bringing it to his own.

That small action made my face burn. My heart pounded so hard I almost dropped my cocktail glass.
"Do you know what you’re saying?"

My heart’s pounding so hard, I feel overwhelmed. I can’t move, I can’t answer like before. I’m just overwhelmed by embarrassment and I don’t know what to do.

He walked around the bar, a few steps closer. The white shirt he was wearing was
unbuttoned, revealing glimpses of his chest, and from this angle, I could see it clearly.
This is too much. The sex appeal is overwhelming.

I quickly looked away the moment I realized it.

"What?" he murmured softly, but I heard it clearly because the distance between us was almost nonexistent. Anwar lowered his gaze, took a long, slow drag of his cigarette, and then turned to exhale the smoke.

His face, perfectly composed… I just saw it.
That expression he uses in those photoshoots. The kind that mesmerizes people, drawing them in, making them want to stare forever. It felt carefully crafted, designed to lure you in.

"No… I don’t know," I began to falter, a fierce battle raging in my head between the memory of that kiss and the current situation.

"Don't know?" Anwar asked, teasingly.

I lightly bit my lower lip before raising my cocktail glass to take a sip.

"It was that good?"

"Uh… it was sweet," I replied quickly, gripping the cocktail glass so tightly I was afraid it would shatter. I was relieved he’d changed the subject.

Anwar shook his head, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.

"Not the drink, I mean the kiss. Was it that good?" He moved closer, his voice a low, soft murmur. "So good you couldn't stop looking?"

I hesitated, not wanting to answer his previous question at all.

But when our eyes met again, something in his gaze, his expression… something about him made me let my guarded thoughts loose.

"It was good."

"Just good?" Anwar tilted his head slightly. "Then shall we try again?"

A deep, lingering sense of caution urged me to refuse, but my body remained rooted to the spot, speechless. Anwar met my gaze, as if challenging me.

"You said we were friends. Is that how you look at friends?" he chuckled softly. "Whatever happened to that idea?"

P'Phim's face flashed into my mind; his confession, his kiss, everything he’d done with me…

the recent picture of him with Yiwa was juxtaposed with the image of the kiss from the man before me, the gaze, everything that made my heart race.

"What if I changed my mind?"

"Are you sure?" Anwar raised an eyebrow, his expression assessing. "Then let's make you stop thinking about him and focus only on me."

"Can you do that?" I asked back, smiling. The question carried a clear undertone of doubt and confidence.

Despite the question, I believed wholeheartedly that he could.

My breath hitched as his warm fingertips brushed against my cheek, then his whole hand rested there.

"Would you mind?"

The question demanded an answer. Anwar waited, watching me intently. He didn’t move closer or further away. I was never asked such a question before. With P'Phim, my first kiss, there wasn't such a necessity for these pre-emptive queries.

It made me a hundred times more nervous.

And I couldn’t claim afterward that it was unintentional, an accident, after already answering.

"No," I whispered, eliciting a small, perfectly formed smile at the corner of his lips.

Anwar leaned in as I gave him permission. Our hands remained intertwined. His straight nose brushed my nose lightly, his warm breath mingling with mine, before his warm lips followed, pressing down slowly, without becoming too invasive.

"Mmm," I moaned involuntarily, my mind blank, aware only of the intense pleasure coursing through me and the faint, pleasant scent of cigarettes on his breath.

Anwar kissed my upper and lower lips alternately, nibbling gently before lifting my chin with a hand. His warm tongue explored my mouth. It wasn't my first tongue kiss—I'd kissed P'Phim and Anwar like this before—but this time, the stark difference between those kisses became
crystal clear.

Anwar wasn't rushing, not dominating the kiss with his tongue or asserting his control. He led, but left room for me to respond. It was as if he was waiting for me to learn and follow, showing me first.

The first time, it wasn't just good; it was amazing.

But this time... it was even better.

I slowly backed up, our lips never parting, until my back hit the bedroom door. Anwar pulled away, touching my cheek with his lips, and whispered softly,

"Better than 'good'?"

I simply nodded in response.

"Want me to do it again?"

I dug my fingernails into the fabric of my shirt, suppressing all but the physical sensations my body craved.

When I nodded, Anwar smiled, lightly biting my lower lip playfully before kissing me again, this time with more intensity. His tongue explored, intertwined with mine, before retreating, waiting for me to mimic him.

I slowly learned the touch, responding in kind. Anwar readily opened his mouth to let me in, his warm hands gripping my hips, moving upwards to my waist.

I couldn't think of a single thing.

All I knew was that I loved what was happening, so much that I didn't want it to end easily.

The sounds of our kisses left me weak, before I jolted at the sound of loud voices from the second floor. My previous bliss was abruptly shattered.

"Where did Anwar go? He came up here, right?"

"He said he was going to get more drinks. He might be on the third floor; there’s a bar up there. Go check."

But Anwar remained calm. As I turned my head towards the stairs, he brushed his lips against my temple.
"Should you go down…? They’ll be coming up."

"No."

"Should we wait?" I turned back to meet his gaze, my heart pounding at the thought of them coming up.

"I can wait." Anwar’s gaze was serious. He leaned down until his forehead rested against the hollow of my neck. "Want to continue?"

It was a test. My heart was pounding so hard I felt it might explode.

I pursed my lips and nodded slightly.

"Open the door."