14.

Initially, the idea of trying someone else only popped into my head because I was stimulated by what P'Phim did.

But I can't wholeheartedly deny that I was involved. Part of me wanted to try it. But the part of me that enjoyed Anwar's kiss that day, the part that wanted it to happen again...

I swallowed hard. The sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs pressured me into making a split-second decision. I reached behind me. Anwar had a very pleased expression. The door opened and he pushed me aside, slipping in after me.

A warm hand pulled me closer before he pressed a deep kiss on me. I parted my lips
immediately as his tongue touched mine, readily allowing him to explore. A wave of arousal washed over my stomach and chest, making me feel lightheaded. The moment his hot tongue met mine…

Anwar turned me around, my back against the door, his hands cupping my cheeks.

"He's not here. Where did he go?"

"Or maybe he went out with Beck?"

Voices drifted in from outside. My heart pounded. The fear of being caught made me tense, even though Anwar had closed the door.

He pulled back slightly, looking at me with an unreadable expression.

"You know what we're doing, right?"

"Yes." I nodded. I was intoxicated enough to make a reckless decision, but not so much that I was thoughtless. I still knew what I was doing.

I took another breath, summoning whatever courage and composure I had left. I've come too far to turn back now. There was no reason to lie or avoid the issue just because I felt embarrassed.

I’d been thinking about breaking up with P'Phim for a week, ever since talking to Seo. But it was just thinking; I never imagined getting this close to actually doing it. I thought I wanted to wait until my patience ran out, until something worse happened. Part of me told myself this because I was sure things were already terrible and couldn't get much worse.

Until Yiwa's situation came along.

"I’ve decided. I'm breaking up with you P’Phim. I'm going to do a lot of things I've never done before. I’ll find happiness for myself during my time here and I’ll get over you." When he called back, when we talked… this time, words of love and sweet talk didn't help. Even now, I can't figure out why he was so bold. No matter how I try to think about it from different angles, I arrive at the same conclusion: he didn't care about me at all.

Maybe the word "boyfriend," the one he so readily used, never actually existed in the first place.

I moved closer, my toes resting on Anwar's feet. I looked up, pondering the decisions
swirling in my head.

"I don't want to download any dating apps or anything. And I think, if it's you..."

"..."

"It's okay."

"Tch," Anwar let out a soft breath. His expression was serious, his lips slowly curving into a smile for me. "You shouldn't have said that... We can't go back now, because..."

"Then don’t back down," I said stubbornly, because backing out now would be even more frustrating.

He shook his head slightly, giving me another reproving look.

"Come here," he pulled me towards the sound of his voice. His tall frame sank to the bed, pulling me onto his strong lap. Just the pressure of my knees on the soft mattress made me so nervous and clumsy.

Anwar loosely wrapped his arms around me. One hand rested on my upper back. A warm kiss pressed against my chin, his nose lightly nudging my skin playfully, making my heart flutter before turning into a deeper, uninterrupted kiss.

"Mmm," I moaned softly. His tongue intertwined with mine, relentlessly teasing, until my whole body weakened.

My dreamy mood was shattered when Anwar took off his shirt. I didn't even realize he’d been unbuttoning it.
I froze on his lap, staring at the captivating physique I’d seen on Instagram. Now it was right in front of me, just across a breath's distance, and only separated by my own t-shirt.

Anwar narrowed his eyes at my reaction.
He leaned back, propping himself up on his hands on the bed. "What’s wrong?"

"Why…why did you take your shirt off?" I whispered, aware of the heat rising in my face.

Usually, I’d hold onto his shirt while we kissed, but now that it was gone, I didn’t know where to put my hands.

On his stomach? Forget it.

"Well…" Anwar looked bewildered before his eyes widened and he gently brushed a strand of my bangs back with his finger. "Sex. Have you ever done it before?"

My blood ran cold at the word "sex" from him. I'd mentally prepared myself for a lot of things, but not that. I knew where this was leading, but I hadn't really thought about the process. I understand, though, because our conversation really did lead to this point.

"No, never…" I admitted honestly, deciding to clutch the hem of my own shirt instead.

Anwar looked down, as if sensing my extreme discomfort. His warm fingers brushed against my hand, gently lifting it before intertwining his fingers with mine.

"And that kiss… was it your first kiss?" he asked casually, showing no frustration at my awkwardness.

"No."

"Okay," he nodded, tightening his grip on my hand. "And did you like the kiss just now?"

"Yes," I bit my lower lip softly. Every question was embarrassing, but because Anwar asked them in such a calm and gentle way, I could answer easily.

I looked at him, seemingly lost in thought.

"Come here," he whispered, gently pulling me forward and then kissing my lips again. His warm touch lingered, repeatedly caressing my lips until I relaxed. Then he guided my hand to rest on his bare shoulder.

The warm skin felt like an electric shock the moment I touched it. As I flinched, Anwar
wrapped his arm around my waist, murmuring, "We’re not going to have sex, so don’t worry."

I pursed my lips. His embrace tightened, pressing our bodies close. Even if he said that, it didn’t mean he wasn’t ready for sex, did it?

He was right here, with his arm around me... and his leg pressed against my thigh!
"You, but you’re in the mood," I said, turning my face away to hide my embarrassment. This time, I felt heat spread all the way from my ears to the back of my neck. Luckily, we hadn’t turned on the lights when we came in; the dim light in the room was enough to see a few things, but it also helped conceal the flush on my skin.

"How could I not be?" he replied slowly, biting his lower lip gently while narrowing his eyes at me. "What’s wrong?"

"If you want to, I can help," I offered in a voice that was barely above a whisper as my hands rested on his broad shoulders. "Or I can assist you."

This time, Anwar’s expression shifted to one of surprise, and he didn’t try to hide it.
"Do you want to?" His dark brows lifted, and he moved his hand down to my hip and back up under my shirt. I flinched slightly, feeling his slender fingers glide over my waist.

I didn’t dare answer the question directly; it wasn’t that I wanted to or didn’t want to. "Well, you’re already… hard."

My voice was shaky, but I managed to finish the sentence. If it were P'Phim, he would have asked me to do something—whether with my hands or my mouth.

"It’s already awake, see?" He always said things like that. I had never really heard him ask if I wanted to or not. He just knew that I was still scared of having sex for the first time and promised not to rush me, but that alone made my heart swell.

"So, if you want me to, I can."

"No," Anwar quickly responded. He stopped his hand from roaming my waist, leaving it
resting just outside my shirt, as it was before. "We’ll do it only when you want to, or when you express that you want to do it now. If that’s the case, we could definitely go for it without hesitation."

What should I do?

My heart felt like it was about to explode.

"So, what are we going to do?" I asked, feeling foolish. The question immediately brought a wide smile to his usually serious face. Anwar got up so quickly that I tensed, my arms instinctively wrapping tightly around him before I was left alone on the soft bed.

"Someone’s hooked, huh?" Anwar leaned down, his body following closely. He nuzzled his nose against mine, pressing a hard, quick kiss before pulling away. His brown eyes sparkled. "This is just to show you what a good kiss is like."

I looked up at him, confused by his words.

"What kind of kisses have you had before?"

I paused, thinking, before trying to mimic the kisses I’d received from P’Phim. My lips pressed against his, and I tentatively slid my tongue into his mouth. Anwar’s response was gentle; I wasn’t brave enough to do more. When I opened my eyes and saw him watching me, I quickly closed them again, trying my best to act like I was with P’Phim.

His hand cupped my face, gently squeezing before releasing. Anwar furrowed his brows slightly, seeming displeased with something, before quickly relaxing once I opened my eyes.

"He’s a real asshole, huh?" Anwar licked his lips, pressing his body close to mine. He kissed me everywhere—on my jawline, my cheeks, my neck—before returning to my lips.

I didn’t know why I felt so good.

Was it because he took his time with me, making it seem so intentional? Because he was so observant of my reactions? Because he was already naturally skilled at this? Or was it all of the above?

I unconsciously thought back to the kisses I’d shared with P’Phim. They were more
self-centered, less attentive to me, but also more passionate.

But they hadn’t made my heart race. They hadn’t left my body weak and delightfully restless the way Anwar’s kisses did.

"Mmm," I whispered, my lower lip lightly nipped by his teeth. It didn't hurt, but it startled me.

"Focus on me," he murmured, as if sensing my mind wandering.

I took a deep breath, pushing other thoughts aside. My eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness, becoming accustomed enough to see Anwar’s face clearly. I slowly moved his hand, which had been resting on my neck, up to my cheeks.

Just like Anwar had done to me before.

I tilted my head, initiating a kiss for the first time. This time, I wasn't imitating P’Phim, but copying the person in front of me.

Anwar was stunned. He opened his mouth, allowing me to explore, his tongue responding slowly before matching my pace when I quickened it. When I faltered, he would always take the lead.

Soft, panting breaths escaped my lips, even though we were only kissing. It was only a
matter of minutes.

A few times, Anwar accidentally pressed his lower body against mine, but he would always sigh and pull away. His hand would then find its way to touch me directly, caressing me through my clothes.

Everything happening right now was incredibly good, far beyond anything I had ever imagined. I never thought a kiss could feel this amazing.

His words about showing me what a good kiss was like…

They weren’t an exaggeration at all.

Can you handle it?" intended.

"Hmm," I nodded, agreeing. Anwar moved away and sat on the edge of the bed. As time passed, I increasingly felt the alcohol I’d consumed affecting my judgment. Anwar’s back was within easy reach. He bent down to grab his shirt and quickly put it on.
We kissed for a long time without doing anything more.

"We should go downstairs. If you feel up to it, will you come down with me?" He turned around, his fingers buttoning his shirt without looking down. "But if you’d rather just shower and rest, that might be better."

"I’ll probably go down." The thought of staying alone here, sinking into brooding over the messages I sent to P’Phim, the nagging anxiety about when it would be read, made me dislike myself.

I wanted it to happen today, to end today, fueled by sufficient anger. But a part of me was still worried. I couldn’t deny it.

"Okay," Anwar didn’t object, as usual. He seemed the type who didn’t like to oppose
others—like when we were drinking. When I started to get drunk, he’d just watch, but if I wanted to keep drinking, he never stopped me.

"Should we go down together?"

"You go first," Anwar nodded in acknowledgment. He stood up and left the room. His broad back and well-proportioned physique lingered in my sight.

I shook it off, trying to sit still and regain my composure.

It should have been like that. That’s what I should have told myself. I should have found various forms of enjoyment for myself.

After these many months, I shouldn’t have wasted them on someone who didn’t truly care about me. It was frustrating, painful, but ultimately, enduring it endlessly was even worse.

I’d never dared to make such decisions. Breaking up with P’Phim seemed beyond my wildest expectations. But before, I never thought he would dare to do something like that.

It’s darkly ironic. If I went back to Thailand still dating him, how would I and Yiwa face each other?

Like P’Phim picking Yiwa up and dropping her off, going on dates, posting pictures on their story together, while my relationship is kept secret even though we were already dating? And I have to endure seeing Yiwa with such negative feelings because of that?

After several such careless actions on his part, I thought it might be better if I just stopped.

I took a deep breath, almost ten minutes before I was able to bring myself to go downstairs.  The second floor was silent; Hazel and Ruby were sitting on the sofa talking about something. Hazel’s beautiful, haughty face turned to me before she offered a faint smile, then turned back to Ruby with a serious expression.

On the first floor, people were beginning to leave, but Anwar was still surrounded by a crowd. Jasper had his arm around Anwar and was smoking with a strange expression on his face.

Audrey was laughing loudly with her friends from school. Anwar looked at me standing awkwardly by the stairs before walking towards me, with Jasper practically clinging to him like a monkey.

"Jasper, you’re being a nuisance," Anwar muttered, frowning slightly, but didn’t push Jasper away who was leaning his head against Anwar’s strong shoulder with a playful expression.

"Hey… hey, don’t push me away," Jasper slurred; he was clearly very drunk. I silently judged that in my head.

"Are you going to Brooklyn with him this Saturday?" I took a beer from Anwar, watching him talk to another guy.

"Boo," Jasper whispered, "Want some, friend?"

He offered me the crushed, mangled cigarette he was holding, grinning widely when I took it.

"Cool. Try it."

I’ve smoked before, but Jasper’s invitation and his expression felt strange.

"Ugh…" As soon as I put it in my mouth, a burning sensation shot down my throat, making me cough violently. Tears welled up in my eyes. The more I coughed, the more it felt like I was going to throw up. It was bitter on my tongue, and I felt something burning in my chest.

Anwar turned sharply to look at me.

So did the guy he was talking to. A chuckle came from him. "Easy there, kid. First time
smoking?"

"Why did you give him that?" Anwar frowned, taking the cigarette from my hand.

I coughed.

"I thought he wanted to smoke together. How was it?"

"It… it burns here," I pointed to my chest, gesturing up and down my throat. I coughed until my ears rang. "What kind of cigarette is this? Why is it so strong?"

"It’s not a cigarette," Anwar whispered, handing the problematic item back to Jasper and pulling me upstairs.

"Sorry," Anwar muttered to Hazel and Ruby, who had turned to look at us, before getting me a glass of water.

"What’s wrong with him?"

"He's just hitting on Jay."

"Wow," Hazel’s eyes widened.

I drank the water, hoping to quell the burning in my chest. Anwar crossed his arms and looked at me. "Don’t accept things from Jasper."

"How would I know? If it wasn’t a cigarette, what was it?" I frowned.

He didn’t answer, but he put the empty glass on the counter. We waited until Hazel and Ruby said goodbye and went back into their room.

"I’ve never really done anything in Thailand,"

"What do you mean?" I walked over and sat down on a tall stool.

"Never done anything except drink beer."
I paused, thinking. I wasn’t sure if he was referring to partying or something else we’d just done together.

"What was that just now? If it wasn’t a cigarette?"

"You know… it was a drug," he said casually, while my eyes widened in shock. Drugs and alcohol were around campus, sure, but this wasn't something I'd ever expected to encounter.

"What? But it’s illegal, right?"

"Yeah," Anwar replied with a smile, as if it were no big deal. It reminded me of the parties in American TV shows and movies, where teenagers always had something to do. "Even though you said you wanted to do a lot of things you've never done before," Anwar muttered to himself, before looking up at me with a somewhat unconvincing expression. "Will your mom beat me up?"

"As if she knows you," I laughed, shaking my head slightly. If my mom knew, I’d probably get a lecture until my ears rang, my allowance cut, and be grounded for months.

My mom is quite open-minded about many things. She was the first person I drank beer with. It happened before I started my freshman year. Out of the blue, she asked if I wanted to try alcohol, leaving me confused about whether I’d misheard. I think she was probably worried about me, scared that if I tried drinking for the first time with my peers and got drunk, I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself.

But with cigarettes and anything stronger, I didn't think she'd support me trying them.
Similarly, I’d never shown any interest in those things before.

"You smoke it too?" I asked.

"Sometimes," Anwar said, his face thoughtful before speaking.

"It burns my throat. Is that normal? It feels like I’m on fire right here," I pointed to my chest.

"It doesn’t feel good at all. How should it feel when you smoke it?"

Anwar chuckled at my endless questions.

"It can feel like that sometimes. It also depends on the type. Some make you lazy, relaxed, sleepy. Others make you feel more energetic."

"Why do you seem so knowledgeable?" I frowned, realizing that the person in front of me, who claimed to only occasionally drink, occasionally party, and occasionally smoke cannabis, seemed to be an expert in all areas.

"I mean, you seem really well-informed," I clarified when Anwar raised an eyebrow at my wording.

"Want to learn more?"

"If I want to know, will you teach me?" I teased. Suddenly, the other person's eyes changed.

Anwar pursed his lips into a smirk. His handsome face moved closer until his lips lightly brushed my shoulder.

My hair stood on end as I felt his warm breath on my shirt.

"If you want to know, I’ll teach you everything."