29.

"I thought you might not call. It's not that I lack confidence, but you really seemed reluctantto get in touch back then," Simon said with a sweet smile.

After I called him, he arranged for us to meet at a restaurant. I didn't know where he lived,but it seemed closer than my place; I had to take a taxi. While in the cab, Anwar's wordsechoed in my head. It was annoying how bad I felt about it, even though his words weresomewhat predictable. And then...

I didn't even know why I asked Simon out. Maybe I just needed to forget things for a while.And there was this constant voice in my head, whispering, *Why not? I don't have much timeleft before I go back to Thailand. Simon's a great conversationalist, he's handsome...opportunities like this don't come often.*

Approaching it without high expectations, seeking only to kill time and find a little fun,happiness felt within reach.

"Maybe you misread the situation," I countered playfully.

"I wondered the same thing," the other party chuckled softly. "I'm just lucky I finished aphotoshoot and haven't accepted any more work with the other models yet."

"You seem incredibly busy," I said. Honestly, I didn't expect us to meet today. It all felt sosudden. We'd only exchanged numbers a few hours before I called him.

I'd guessed Simon would suggest another day—tomorrow, or maybe three or four days fromnow. Definitely not today.

"I'm a full-time model. Doesn't Anwar have a similarly busy schedule?"

"I wasn't that close to him. I didn't know how busy he was," I said, raising an eyebrow. I slidthe pizza that had just been served to the center of the table. Simon looked at me, a relaxedsmile playing on his lips.

"We bumped into each other quite a bit when he wasn't so focused on his studies like he isnow. He wasn't so different from me back then. We both had access to a lot of work, hardlyneeding to audition."

"Are you close to him?"

"Hmm, we're both models. In some ways, we knew each other well; in others, not at all." Itsounded contradictory, but I didn't let him explain further. Simon raised his beer in a toast."Let's not talk about him. I'd rather talk about you."

"There's... not much to talk about with me. What do you want to talk about?" I lightly touchedmy cheek.

"I don't know. Just general things, I guess. What you like, what you don't like."

"To be honest, I'm not good at talking about myself. You'll have to ask specific questions ifyou really want to know. Or we can switch to talking about you," I flipped the script, thinkingthe conversation would be more engaging if we talked about Simon. At least he was better atstorytelling than I was.

Simon looked at me intently as I avoided the question by picking up the pizza. He eventuallysighed in defeat.

"Okay, okay... How about This or That? If I ask, 'Dog or Cat?', you just choose one." It wasan unexpected solution, a compromise in this question game.

"Fine, sounds good," I said.

"You go first. Liquor or beer?"

"Beer," I answered without hesitation. My university days in Thailand made me much morefamiliar with beer than liquor, although I'd started drinking liquor more often since being withAnwar.

"Winter or summer?" I countered.

"Summer," Simon replied just as quickly. "I'm more of an outdoor person. Winter is cold andboring."

I could relate, even though Thailand never really gets truly cold. I had spent several wintersabroad, and the slipperiness and grime that came with the white snow were truly annoying,not to mention my hands getting so stiff I could barely type or the constant need to pee everyfive minutes.

Simon and I continued the This or That game, explaining our choices. Pop or rock music?

Swimming or sunbathing? Parties or spending time with a small group of friends? Thequestions were simple, until Simon asked his next question.

"One-night stand or long-term relationship?"

"...Long-term." For the first time, I paused before answering. Simon's smile lingered, as if hewanted me to elaborate.

"I've never... never had a one-night stand," I admitted frankly. Finding the conversationwasn't uncomfortable, I continued. "So I don't know how to compare them."

"Have you ever wondered?"

"Yeah, I've been curious about what it feels like. But I don't plan on trying it anytime soon."Even just having a casual relationship with Anwar was new enough for me right now. I didn'twant to try everything all at once in New York. It seemed too fast-paced, too overwhelming."That's a shame," Simon said, his smile widening. His words startled me.

"What do you mean, 'That's a shame'?"

"I told you, you're beautiful and I like you." Simon ended the sentence there, and Iunderstood it immediately. It was probably normal for him to be that forward. A one-nightstand for Simon, or Anwar for that matter, would probably be a common, ordinaryoccurrence.

I cleared my throat to compose myself. "Next question, then? Introverted or extroverted?""It depends what you mean. I'm extroverted if you're talking about me personally, but ifyou're talking about my type, it'd be different."

For some reason, I felt a strange churning in my stomach because of his gaze. After wefinished the pizza on the tray and a couple of pints of beer each, the questions startedgetting more intense, culminating in what I considered the most intense question of the night."Anwar or me?"

"Huh?" I murmured, my voice caught in my throat, as Simon looked directly at meexpectantly.

"I'm not asking who you're closer to or anything. I'm asking about your type."

I hesitated. My brain frantically processed the meaning of the question. What kind of "type"did this refer to? And if it was what I thought, how did Simon know...?

"I know you and Anwar have something going on, and I'm pretty sure about it," Simonsmirked. "This isn't the first time I've seen him with someone he's having sex with. I knowhow he treats them. And the fact that he brought you to work, something he's never donebefore, I can't interpret it as anything other than that. But Anwar didn't react when I askedyou about a date, so that means you're not officially together."

I thought back to Simon calling me over as Anwar and I were about to leave...

It was a check... a check on Anwar, something I hadn't considered at all.

"Even knowing I'm with Anwar, you still asked me out on a date and met me here?" I askedback, confused. Simon chuckled lightly, as if he'd heard a funny joke.

"Yes. You're not his boyfriend, and you said yourself you don't have a boyfriend. What'swrong with me asking a single person out on a date?"

"But Anwar's your friend?"

Simon shook his head. "We're colleagues in the same industry, as I said. But don't jump toconclusions like we're at odds and trying to steal each other's partners. That's a bit childish.""I'm starting to get confused," I chuckled nervously, raising my beer and taking several gulps.The person in front of me looked at me with what seemed like affection, a faint smile playingon his lips.

Wasn't it confusing? He seemed to be friends with Anwar, or at least, as colleagues, heknew and was somewhat close to Anwar. Yet, even knowing I was with Anwar, he stillinsisted on asking me out on a date without a second thought for Anwar.

"Are you open-minded about sex, Blue?" Simon asked in a calm voice, as if we werediscussing music or the weather, as we had initially. Even so, there was a hint of seductionin his low tone. He wanted this answer, and he conveyed that through his voice.

"I'd say, to a certain extent," I didn't dare give a one hundred percent answer, so I answeredvaguely.

"Then I might as well confess. This isn't the first time I've gone on a date with Anwar'spartner."

Shock washed over me. I must have shown it all over my face, because Simon quicklyraised his hand. "Let me finish... It's not a snatch-and-grab like in those teen movies. Thereare two people I've slept with, and Anwar knows everything. He doesn't have a problem withit. In fact... there was even a time he was in the room when I had sex with his partner. It wasat a party."

"Simon..." I murmured his name softly. Shock rendered me speechless. What I'd just heardweighed heavily on my mind. "You mean, the three of you..."

"No, no, not like that. He didn't participate. He just sat there drinking, then went to anotherroom to smoke. It was a party about two years ago. My point is, I never did anything behindhis back, and I don't have any problems with Anwar."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I just wanted to be upfront. I'm interested in you. What I just said is just to clarify. I'm nottrying to convince you to sleep with me while Anwar watches, like in that story."

Simon, he's incredibly honest and open. But what's more shocking than the story itself isAnwar.

I knew Anwar wasn't jealous. He treated all his partners equally, giving everyone freedomand fairness. But I never imagined Anwar would be so open-minded as to witness everythingwith his own eyes, then just take a sip of his drink and casually go off to smoke a cigarette."Then, the question earlier? Between me and Anwar, which type do I prefer?

He asked haphazardly. Confusion and a multitude of other emotions swirled in my head,blurring my vision.

"I just wanted to know if I had a chance."

"Are you serious, or do you just want to have sex with me?" I blurted out, finally asking thequestion that had hung between us since we left the restaurant, all the way to his luxury car.Simon reached into his pants pocket. His model-like pose and handsome face drew theattention of passersby; several people turned to look at us. Throughout, Simon's gazeremained fixed on my face.

"It's too soon to say 'serious,' and it would be a lie to say I don't want sex. I know you don'thave much time left here, but if there's a chance, I'd like to spend a lot more time with you."That was vague. 'A lot more time' could mean dates like this one, or it could mean time spentsolely in bed.

Was this a good opportunity to try different experiences? Or should I stick to my currentthinking, that I'm content with the casual relationship Anwar offers? Was it too soon? Andwhat would Anwar think if I said yes to Simon?

I weighed it all, but even then, I knew my inclination leaned heavily towards rejection.

Did I like Simon? To a certain degree. He's handsome, has a great physique, is fun to talk to,and is honest and open, while still respectful. I knew I might not find someone like him againin the future, nor have the opportunity to date someone of his caliber.

"No pressure. Just tell me how you feel, whatever your answer. I promise to drive you home.If not to my place, then to yours," Simon smiled warmly again. The sentence felt relaxed,almost playful, and I smiled back.

"So, my place or Anwar's?"

"Simon, I like you," I confessed. The answer immediately elicited a wider smile from Simon,contrasting with his now-narrowed, knowing eyes.

"But Anwar... I like him a lot. Like, really, really a lot. I can't go on with you." I stood still,looking down at my feet. Anwar's face was prominent in my mind from a moment ago untilnow.

Several seconds of silence stretched between us... until Simon laughed. I looked up at him."You don't have to look like that, Blue. I'm not going to hit on you—if you don't want tocontinue."

"I'm sorry."

"Then may I take you home?" Simon held out his hand. "At least let me end this little date ona good note?"

"Okay, then take me home."

Before we could move, Simon's phone blared. I stood still, letting him take the call. Ioverheard snippets of the conversation.

"I'm with someone else," Simon said into the phone, his gray-blue eyes glancing at mecalmly. "I know. Come on... it can be fun without me."

I didn't know the other person's reply, but it elicited a chuckle from Simon. "I understand, butif he doesn't go, I won't either."

"My model friends are having drinks at Lewis's studio. He's a really up-and-coming freelancephotographer. Would you like to join us for drinks?" Simon asked, putting his phone back inhis pocket. "I really promise to take you home after."

"Are you sure you'll be able to drive?"

"Otherwise, there's probably someone willing to drive us."

'I like many people. There's no one in particular.' It was that statement, honestly, that mademe decide to go for more drinks. Simply because I wasn't ready to face the owner of thosewords.

I was running away like a child. I knew it, but I couldn't figure out how to talk to Anwar, howto approach him, what kind of smile to offer him after hearing that statement.

Simon drove me to the studio. It was a small studio on the second floor of a building; theground floor housed a restaurant open only until the afternoon. Being there made me morenervous than I expected. Surrounded by all these male models—tall, well-built, and eachpossessing a unique charm—I felt like a high school kid in their eyes.

They were just chatting casually. It wasn't so different from Anwar's gallery group, exceptthese guys seemed more languid, while Anwar's group had more energy and seemed morefun.

Simon didn't overtly hit on me anymore, but sometimes I felt like I was being playfullyteased.

It didn't make me uncomfortable, so I smiled and laughed along.

Time flew by. I didn't even realize when I'd gotten so caught up in the conversation that threehours had passed.

"Let's go. I'll take you home."

"Simon, what time is it?" I asked, placing my hand on his and pushing myself up from theseat.

"It's late," Simon replied shortly, before using both arms to hold my upper arms to help meup.

I didn't think I was that drunk until I stood up and felt my legs go weak. Because of that, Ididn't try to pull away, letting Simon support me all the way back to the car."Are you sure you can drive?" I rested my cheek against the leather seat, noticing a slightchuckle from him.

"I didn't drink anything. You saw that. I'm completely sober now. It's you who didn't stopdrinking."

Simon said this as the car slowly pulled away from the parking spot. He glanced at meperiodically. "Does Anwar know you came to see me?"

Back to Anwar again. The topic had been avoided the entire time we were at the studio."Does he need to know?" I replied, turning my face to look out the car window.

Would it make much difference whether he knew or not? Anyway, Anwar didn't seeminterested, judging by what he said to Jordan. When I fell silent and acted that way, Simonchanged the subject, before mentioning how he regretted that we hadn't met sooner.

"Why do you like me?" The intoxication emboldened me to ask several things I'd neverdared to ask before. Even Simon seemed surprised by the question.

"Well, you're beautiful, charming, and you seem easygoing."

"You probably wouldn't like me if we'd met sooner." I thought about myself when I firstarrived in New York. Back then, I was much more ordinary. Everything about me seemedplain – simple jeans, plain crew-neck t-shirts, and Converse or Nikes.

Even though some of the models wore things like black t-shirts and skinny jeans, they stilllooked different from me.

"Why wouldn't I like you?" Simon asked cheerfully.

"I'm a total nerd."

"And how do you know I don't like nerds?" This time, his smile was wider. He seemed to beenjoying this conversation immensely.

"So you do like nerds?"

Simon raised an eyebrow. "Why not? Some people aren't what they seem. I've seen plenty.""Seen what?"

"Plenty of nerds who are hotter than guys who look all put-together."

"Even if I were a nerd, I wouldn't be that type," I frowned, listening to Simon's laughterwithout continuing the conversation until we reached the house.

Simon seemed to have been here before. He knew the way without me needing to givedirections or even use GPS. The luxury car slowly pulled up to the curb. The lights on thesecond floor were still on, meaning Jordan and Anwar might be inside.

As I got out of the car, Simon followed. His tall frame towering beside me made me feelsmall, just like when I'm standing next to Anwar.

"Time to say goodbye," he murmured, leaning against the car so our eyes were at the samelevel.

"I had a lot of fun today...it was a really good date."

"Good enough for you to contact me again tomorrow?"

I smiled, unable to utter a word.

"Even though I'm not joking, don't worry about that. Contact me or don't, do whatever youwant." Simon extended his hand, waiting patiently until I placed mine in his before he gentlypulled me closer, stopping me between his legs. "You're the one with limited time. I'mnot...but if you want to hang out again, just call."

"You're kind enough to be my personal chauffeur all the time?" I smiled at the thought. Wouldhe really do that for free? Just go on a date and have dinner with me? Really? Someone likeSimon?

"One kiss is all it takes to make the exchange," Simon grinned widely. "And I'm ready toadmit I'm being kind."

"You never have trouble getting people into bed, do you?"

"No, I only have problems when I accidentally hit on people who aren't into one-nightstands." Simon raised a hand to touch my hip.

The alcohol, the atmosphere, or the growing intimacy between us—whatever it was, I let himpull me closer.

The guards I had up were slowly lowering. I didn't see Simon as dangerous. He wasstraightforward and open about sex and touch, but not the type to force anyone. That wasenough to make me relax and go with the flow, as long as he wasn't forcing anything.Simon moved his face closer as we held each other's gaze. His hand moved up to linger onmy arm. Our cheeks brushed for a brief moment, accompanied by a soft kiss. He then didthe same to the other cheek.

Pulling back, Simon ran a hand through his hair. "I was hoping for your lips, actually."

I laughed, stepping back as he released me.

Simon was incredibly charming. Anyone who dates him is truly lucky.

"Next time," I began, grinning widely at Simon's wide-eyed expression, "If I call you, it'll bemy lips you'll be kissing."

It was just playful teasing that Simon would likely enjoy. I wasn't thinking about calling himtomorrow or any other day. He was far too freely sexual; I could only handle one person likethat at a time.

Today was just a night out, a once-in-a-lifetime experience, a chance to try something new.And it's ending now.

"Can I look forward to seeing you again, or were you just stringing me along?" Simonwinked. Before I could respond, his blue-grey eyes glanced over my shoulder and henodded subtly.

"Hey, drinking alone?"

I froze at the question. It wasn't directed at me, but someone else behind me. Turning, I metAnwar's gaze. He'd just walked up, a large bottle of liquor inside a bag he carried. His facewas impassive, his deep brown eyes locking onto mine for several seconds. The coldness inhis eyes stunned me. He then looked away, glancing at Simon instead.

"No, Jordan just got back, so we were going to have a drink."

"Jordan? That guy's been gone for ages. He's finally back? You didn't tell me."

Something in Anwar's expression made me breathless. A heavy weight pressed down on myshoulders, nearly forcing me to collapse.

After breathing out to relieve the pressure, I lowered my gaze to the ground, losing mybalance. A strong hand gripped my arm, squeezing tightly before quickly releasing as Iregained my footing.

It was Anwar who'd caught me, not Simon, who was still leaning against the car, armscrossed.

"He just got back this evening. I've been out for a long time," Anwar raised the paper bagslightly without looking at me. "I should go."

I watched his broad back disappear behind the large door before turning back to Simon, whoremained in the same position.

"Why was he so upset?" Simon asked, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. "Was itabout you being out with me?"

"That's probably not it," I shook my head. It wasn't Anwar, after all, who'd said those thingsto me. 'If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go, don't. It's your decision.' It doesn't meanhe doesn't care. And if he doesn't care, why would he be upset about this?

"Should I wait for your call?" Simon returned to our conversation. His tone wasn't serious,more like a casual question.

"No, Simon...don't wait." It was definitely the alcohol that gave me the courage to say that.Simon nodded slightly, gesturing casually towards the house. "It's very late. You should goinside."

"Thank you for tonight."

"Likewise."

That was the last thing we said to each other. I lingered my gaze on Simon for severalseconds as I slowly backed away. Finally, I simply turned and hurried inside as hesuggested. My steps grew heavier with each step up the stairs. Jordan was sitting on thesofa hugging a large pillow, seeming determined to make it his bed. In his hand was a beerbottle I recognized from the fridge; it had been there for days. Anwar was leaning against thecounter, his head bowed. He looked up when he heard my footsteps.

"Are we going to talk?" His voice was flat, his expression unreadable. He held me with thatsentence before I could walk back up to the third floor.

I glanced at Jordan, who was looking at us. He seemed confused, but when his eyes metAnwar's, Jordan raised an eyebrow and stood up. "I'm going to smoke a cigarette."

Anwar didn't say a word. He remained in the same position, hands on the counter, his armsstraight, still waiting until Jordan disappeared downstairs before he spoke.

"You said you were going out to buy things."

I stood still on the first step of the stairs, looking at Anwar's back, then his impassive face.My mind was completely blank until I decided to walk down the stairs and stand on the otherside of the counter, opposite his tall figure.

Even when I could clearly see Anwar's face, I still wasn't sure what he was feeling, asidefrom the simmering irritation that permeated the atmosphere.

"Yes, I went out to buy things."

Anwar paused to look me over. There wasn't a single bag or item in my hands because Ihadn't actually bought anything.

"Why did he drop you off?" Anwar changed the question, as if already knowing I hadn't goneshopping as I'd claimed. "Where did you go?"

I didn't answer. Even though I was almost drunk enough to blurt out everything I wasthinking, saying I went on a date seemed too ridiculous for me to actually say.Anwar waited for an answer. When I didn't give him one, he continued.

"Did you go out drinking?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Why?" He furrowed his brow slightly as I looked at him defiantly.

Seriously...was he upset because I went out with Simon? That's what his expressionseemed to say.

"Because Simon invited me. Because I wanted to go." Anwar's eyes clouded with emotion,but not as much as when I said the last sentence: "Because I like him."

Now, Anwar's sharp gaze made it hard for me to breathe. His brow furrowed, a variety ofexpressions flashed across his face in a fraction of a second before settling into a tensesmile.

"You like him?" Something in his deep voice made me want to cry. It felt like I was beingscolded and suppressed at the same time. The dizziness, causing my vision to swim, madeeverything worse, tenfold.

"Can't I like Simon?" I retorted.

Anwar smirked, his eyes remaining still. "I can't force you, can I? So that's why you went outwith him, because you like him?"

"Then why are you talking to me like that...you don't even like me!" My own eyes widened.The resentment building since evening was about to explode, even though I was trying tosuppress it. In the end, I knew I was one of those people who couldn't control their mouthswhen drunk.

Anwar's eyes widened. He looked bewildered, and I prepared to run away immediately aftersaying that.

I'm being childish...

I'm about to be childish with Anwar, and that's something I don't want to happen.

"Blue," Anwar stepped in front of me before I reached the stairs. "What did you mean?"

I lifted my chin, looking back without answering. I didn't like the sound of my own voice justnow. It was harsh and full of negativity. I didn't want to hear it, and I didn't want Anwar tohear it either.

"I don't like you? How do you know I don't like you?"

"You don't like me." Or maybe you do, but it's only superficial.

The kind of liking between Anwar and me is probably quite different. But it's not something Ineed to announce to him.

"I asked how you knew," Anwar lowered his voice, his expression turning serious.

"Because you said it! You said it all yourself! Then why are you looking at me like that?!" Ialso raised my voice, immediately clamping my mouth shut after the sentence. I swallowedhard, trying to regain my composure.

I lowered my eyes to the floor. Phoebe came and wrapped herself around Anwar's legs,purring.

"I don't want to talk right now," I cut him off, intending to avoid Anwar. But Phoebe turned andpressed herself against my leg instead.

"Ah!" I yelped. I felt myself leaning forward, and in a fraction of a second, my face wouldhave slammed hard into the stairs. But Anwar moved faster. His arms caught me around mywaist, and he took a step back, so I ended up falling into his arms.

Phoebe, having narrowly avoided being trampled, scurried away. Anwar, seizing theopportunity, pulled me closer, his arms firmly around my waist.

"I'm not letting you go yet," Anwar said calmly, gradually loosening his embrace so I wouldn'tfeel suffocated, but still holding me close enough that I couldn't escape.

"Why..."

"I'm not letting you go to bed until you finish talking to me."

"I said I don't want to talk."

"But we need to talk."

I pursed my lips. A slight blush crept onto my face and lips. I no longer had the strength towriggle free from Anwar's arms. If I moved even slightly, I might end up vomiting on thefloor.

That clumsy fall was embarrassing enough. I didn't want to make myself look any worse rightnow.

"How did you know I didn't like you?" The same question again, as if he would keep askinguntil he got a satisfactory answer.

"Jordan."

"Jordan?"

"You talked to Jordan." Anwar paused. Silence fell between us. His arms tightened aroundme.

"You heard what I said to Jordan."

"I like a lot of people. No one in particular," I repeated his exact words, only seeing the darkwooden stairs and the white walls. Although I wanted to see Anwar's expression, I didn'tdare look back, just standing still.

"So you went on a date with Simon?"

"How did you know I went on a date?"

"People don't hug with someone they aren't close to, Blue. If you just happened to run intohim on the street, he wouldn't have pressed his cheek against yours like that." Anwar's voicewas sharp, but not menacing. "If you heard, what would you have wanted me to tell Jordan...did you want me to say I liked you more than everyone else?"

"Yes! I wanted you to say you like me more than anyone else, because I like you a lot."Who would want to be liked less than others? No one.

Anwar sighed, resting his chin on my head. Because Anwar is much taller than me, I feltcompletely enveloped in his arms.

"Blue, I like you very much."

But not more than anyone else.

I frowned. My frustration with myself surpassed my frustration with Anwar's words."Maybe your definition of 'liking' and mine aren't the same," I raised my hand to touchAnwar's arm. Self-pity welled up, even though I was the one who said it.

"Maybe we're too different. And I hate myself for saying this, but when I start to likesomeone, I expect more than what I'm getting now. But you're not..." I took a deep breath.Though I had my back to Anwar, I could clearly visualize his face.

The same expression he gave Helena—a cold gaze, a calm tone, and a gentle touch on herhand.

Isn't that what I'm not getting right now...?

"Deny it if it's not true."

I pursed my lips. The silence from behind me made my heart pound even harder, until it feltheavy.

"I'm not your type. Actually, you don't like my type. You find me annoying," I pushedAnwar's arm away. It moved easily, as if he wasn't trying to hold me back anymore. "I'malready annoyed enough with myself. Don't be annoyed with me too."

"I've never been annoyed with you."

"But that doesn't change the fact that we're different. Have you ever wanted to be withsomeone you've only casually dated?"

I blinked, aware of my racing heart and our shared breaths. Anwar must have found it funnythat I was suddenly saying these things. I didn't want to become like Helena, didn't want tothrow my feelings at him and make him uncomfortable.

This kind of silence is terrifying.

It's suffocating. It makes me overthink a million things until my head explodes because Idon't know the real answer. Maybe silence itself is the answer, but I can't bring myself toaccept it.

I have to accept it.

"See? We're not alike. And that's my problem, not yours."