30.

After that abrupt separation, I lay awake the entire night, wrestling with guilt over what I saidto Anwar, confusion about my own feelings, and the mounting anxiety that I'd finallyconcluded I truly liked Anwar, a liking that wouldn't progress, only regress, especially aftermy stupid behavior.

I spent hours agonizing over a decision. Maybe it would be better if I started distancingmyself from Anwar now, at least to salvage our superficial relationship. If we weren't havingsex, if we weren't living together like this, would Anwar still want to be friends, still want me inhis life? That question was quickly dismissed as another thought occurred to me: I wasn'tstaying in New York; I was going back to Thailand, and we might not see each other again.Even if he wanted to remain friends, even if I managed to maintain this relationship, it wouldbe over within a month anyway.

I was drowning in solitary silence until I finally decided to message Chen to chat casually.Chen always stayed up late; at this hour, he was probably just closing his kitchen orwatching something on TV. Chen is one of the few people I can completely and comfortablyconfide in, much like Anwar, though the emotions involved were different.

Because of that, my playful conversation with Chen quickly turned to the problem that hadbeen plaguing me for hours, within fifteen minutes.

Chen didn't interrupt or react when I revealed that Anwar was the person I'd had sex with.He didn't tease, laugh, or even ask any dumb, validating questions like, "Really?" or "Whydid you do that?" Chen read my message silently; only the rapidly updating "read" receiptshowed he was attentively reading. At one point, Chen simply typed, "Call?" and weswitched to a voice call.

Chen knew Anwar to some extent, but not well enough to know all of Anwar's quirks. Hecouldn't definitively say whether Anwar would be upset about our recent fight.

"He probably won't be angry. He doesn't seem like the type to get mad over something likethis. He comforted you after all."

The conversation continued until Chen casually mentioned, amidst the silence, "Want tocome sleep at my place?" I almost refused because I wasn't that close to Chen.

"I'm hesitant, Chen."

"Hey, it's fine. I haven't been sleeping in my room lately. Mostly I sleep at my house.""What about Rome?"

"Rome's been sleeping in Gia's room for a week now. If you're okay with it, you'll have theroom to yourself."

"Are you sure...?"

"Yeah. Just clean up after yourself. Don't be like Cole, leaving his dishes everywhere. That'sall."

It didn't take me long to decide. Perhaps because I'd been considering distancing myselffrom Anwar for hours before talking to Chen... when it came down to it, I readily agreed. If Iwas going to distance myself, if I wasn't sleeping at Chen's, I'd have to book a hotel roomanyway.

Once our conversation ended, Chen said goodnight. Jazzy music faintly played in thebackground—the last sound I heard before the silence returned to the room.

I'm either simplifying things or making them more complicated. I'm not sure, but I know onething: if I stay here longer, the awkwardness between us will only grow, as will the badfeelings. Even though Anwar promised that while I'm in New York, he won't bring anyone tothe apartment and won't go on dates where I can see him...

But I don't know...

I just know I should protect my feelings and move on the moment I realize this—especiallynow that I'm certain what I hoped for from Anwar is impossible.

In the end, no matter how much I deceive or comfort myself...

Silence is a kind of answer, really.

I woke up at six in the morning after sleeping less than two hours. I don't have much clothinganyway, and the same goes for my personal belongings. I didn't intend to avoid Anwarcompletely, to the point where we'd never see each other again, so I wasn't frantic aboutgetting everything out of the apartment in a single day.

Coming downstairs, I found Jordan sleeping on the couch under a thin blanket, scrollingthrough Instagram on his iPhone. He only glanced up when I approached.

"Morning."

"Morning... Where's Anwar?"

"He went out for something work-related. He'll be back in the afternoon."

I nodded slightly. Seeing Jordan staring at the large bag I was carrying, I explained, "You cango upstairs and sleep in the bedroom if you want."

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "You mean Jasper's room?"

"No, I mean your room."

"With who? With you?"

"No," I quickly shook my head, placing my hand on the black bag. "I'm going to sleepsomewhere else, but I haven't finished packing. If you need to use any space and there'sstuff there... um, just move it somewhere else."

Jordan raised his eyebrow again. This time, he stared at me strangely, flicked his tongueacross his lips, seeming about to say something, but finally only said, "Yeah, Okay."

I nodded again. This time it felt like we were taking turns nodding slightly, with Jordan'sstrange expression still present.

"Don't... don't tell Anwar about this," I blurted out without thinking about how strange it mightsound. But Jordan and I aren't close, and he didn't seem like the type to interview me aboutwhy I was fighting with Anwar or anything like that.

Maybe I need a day or two to myself, to gather my thoughts and fully come to terms withthings. Then I can apologize to Anwar and promise I won't be the same way again.

Jordan gave a sheepish grin, his eyes crinkling. He raised a finger to his lips in a zippinggesture. "I'll keep it quiet."







..









..









Anwar's pov:


Although I wanted to stay home and wait to talk to him, the modeling agency called me fromearly morning. Jennifer, the brand director and Helena's mother, wanted a summary of themeeting because it was our last one before our trip to Northern Ireland for the photoshoot.Because she had a flight to Rome in the afternoon, we had to start the meeting early in themorning. It took hours of listening to discussions about feminist concepts and the fine linebetween portraying models as sex objects and showcasing sexual attractiveness. And then,after the meeting ended, I spent another half hour listening to Jennifer rave about AlexanderMcQueen runways and Dolce & Gabbana advertising campaigns.

Actually, I didn't think I needed to be in that meeting at all. I'm a model, not a designer,marketer, or anyone involved in decision-making. They could have just summarized themood board and everything and emailed it to me directly... I don't understand why they hadto make such a big deal out of it.

"Stay for dinner," Helena called out to me as soon as we left the meeting room.

"Don't you have to go to the airport with Jennifer?"

"She's going to a work event that doesn't involve me, and then she's stopping by her usualspa. I'm not wasting my time on something that boring with her," Helena rolled her eyes,lightly twirling her car keys with her index finger. "So, what do you say? Peter Luger steak?""I have important business to attend to."

"More work? Matthew said you have no schedule today..." Helena narrowed her eyes,looking suspicious. Perhaps because of our last conversation.

"I swear, Helena, I'm not avoiding you or anything like that. I really do have importantbusiness to attend to." My words made Helena raise her hands in a gesture of surrender. Afaint smile appeared at the corner of her mouth.

"Okay. Then... see you next week."

"Yes, see you next week."

I hurried straight back home without stopping anywhere else. Even though I knew Blue hadleft for class, the lingering feeling from our conversation last night left me without the energyto do anything else. The only thing I could do was try to think of a way to talk to Blue whenhe got back.

Every word Blue said still echoed in my memory. I've heard a lot of sarcastic and cuttingremarks, seen a lot of tears. Blue didn't do any of those things. He didn't scold me, didn'ttaunt me, didn't cry. But what he said made me feel undeniably like a total screw-up.

"Why didn't you tell me he was back?" As soon as I got out of the car, my eyes metAudrey's. She was hurrying out of the house. She rushed toward me and fired the questionrapidly.

"Who?"

"Who else? Jordan," Audrey whispered in a low voice.

"Oh, I didn't expect him to be here so soon," I improvised, starting to walk towards thehouse. She quickly stepped in front of me, blocking my way, forcing me to stop. "Aren't youglad? Come in and sit down."

My invitation made Audrey frown, looking like she wanted to give me a good scolding.

I hadn't thought about this before. Actually, it's common knowledge. Audrey used to likeJordan, and she was pretty down for a while after he started dating Vanessa.

"I've already been inside. No thanks. I'll go to the library and stay there until it's time forclass."

"You don't want to talk to him?"

"I don't want to hear him talk about Vanessa," her perfectly shaped lips, under pink lip gloss,pressed together. What was with this defensive attitude?

"He won't," I shook my head. Jordan might have a playful image, but he's not stupid enoughto do anything reckless. Of course, he knows Audrey has a crush on him. He probablynoticed it before anyone else, he just hasn't said anything.

"Okay, but Jasper might be back the day after tomorrow. We could order something fordinner – Picha, the Chinese food he and Jordan like. Maybe you'd like to stop by."

"Has he gotten over it yet?"

"Seems so. Check it out yourself the day after tomorrow. It's not Vanessa he keeps talkingabout, it's all the caves he toured."

"Got it," Audrey hesitated, stepping aside to let me pass, slowly backing down the walkwaywhile still making eye contact. "Okay, the day after tomorrow I'll come for dinner...or maybepizza."

I nodded, waiting until Audrey turned away before going inside. I could hear the televisionchanging channels. Going upstairs, I found Jordan on the sofa, remote in one hand, theother constantly reaching for popcorn from a bowl on his lap.

"You're back later than I thought. I expected you to be more flustered," he said before I evensat down. His dark brown eyes glanced at me before he fired a direct question, letting theremote fall onto the sofa beside him and turning to listen intently. "What did you fight aboutlast night?"

Last night, after Blue went to bed, I sat drinking the liquor I'd bought until Jordan cameinside. "Want to talk?" he asked, and all I said was, "No." After that, we just drank silentlyuntil the bottle was empty and then went to bed.

"I don't know," I rubbed my face hard. The more I tried to figure it out, the more I felt like Iwas lost in a thick fog-covered maze. It was frustratingly obscuring everything. "He just wenton a date with Simon."

"Which Simon? Simon, Simon? Simon Moro?"

"Yes."

"And then what?"

"That's it," I replied tersely. This is where I felt the most screwed up. Blue didn't do anythingwrong. He just went on a date. It's his prerogative to go out with whoever, wherever, withouttelling me. Before that, everything was great. We went out together. Blue showed noinclination to accept Simon's invitation. Maybe it was the unexpected suddenness of it allthat made me feel this way.

But regardless of whether it was sudden or not, I shouldn't be this annoyed...The words "Ilike him" shouldn't cause this much irritation.

"That's it."

"Look at you," Jordan laughed. "You're ridiculously funny."

"I know I'm screwed," I grabbed a glass of water and took a swig. His mocking gaze mademe flustered, forcing me to look away and mutter to myself, "I'm so fucked up."

"Yeah, it's funny. If I could go back in time and bring you here three years ago, he'd belaughing at you too."

I just smiled, saying nothing, and checked my phone. He should be back soon. I didn't knowwhat to say to make sense of things – Simon, Blue, the word 'like,' or myself.

It's hard. It kept me up all night because he didn't ask for anything or hint at wantinganything. The only thing I saw during our conversation was Blue constantly backing away,insisting firmly, "I don't want anything." It's not something I'm used to. I usually see that kindof reaction from someone I don't like that much.

Seeing it from Blue...I'm completely lost.

"How about I pay you a hundred bucks to go get a drink after Blue comes back?" I offeredcasually after some thought. We might have a long conversation otherwise. If I sent Jordanout to smoke, he'd probably smoke himself to death before he got back in.

"Generous," Jordan laughed. "I'll go if he actually comes back."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked immediately.

"I don't know. Maybe he's already sick of your face," Jordan glanced at the wall clock. "Whattime is it? Seven PM already. A little late for class, isn't it?"

Silence.

"What do you mean?" I repeated, narrowing my eyes at Jordan.

"I'm just saying...maybe today's class will be really intense."

"..."

"Sorry," Jordan raised his hands, grinning widely, revealing his white teeth. He got up andwent to the counter, started making a steak, grabbed a can of beer, opened it, and sat backdown on the bar stool.

The waiting made me increasingly restless. I grabbed my sketchbook, having beensketching for almost two hours, but all I had were drawings of figurines and outfits crossedout. I sighed heavily, decided to close the sketchbook, tossed it carelessly onto the coffeetable, and picked up my phone instead, trying to calm myself down. Jordan finished hissteak. The delicious aroma made me hungry, but I didn't feel like getting up to eat anythingright now.

If Blue comes back and I invite him to order some food or go out to eat, will he come withme?

I'll have to see how he acts first.

"You're really worked up," Jordan muttered, raising an eyebrow.

"It's bothering me."

"Have you ever been this bothered by someone else?" No. Never.

I licked my lips, trying to recall if I'd ever felt this way before, but found only emptiness. Myfingers scrolled through the messages I'd sent Blue: one at four PM, another at seven PM.The more I waited, the more restless I became, just as Jordan had said. Especially this kindof waiting, not knowing the destination.

"Maybe he's not coming back," Jordan said again, as if he knew something.

"Do you know something?"

"I don't know." I stared at Jordan's face; he seemed utterly unconvincing, that cheerful,smiling response.

"If you know something, I want you to tell me."

"What would I know?" I held Jordan's gaze, trying to find some clue. Jordan looked backdirectly, without averting his eyes. "What do you want me to know? I know you're so anxiousyou can barely sit still, and that's pretty new."

"..." Even though I dislike violence, I swear I've never wanted to punch Jordan more thanright now.

"Maybe he's with someone else..."

"Who?"

"I don't know. I'm not his friend."

"..."

"Maybe..."

"God, Jordan, please!" I blurted out, my last thread of patience snapping. "I like him somuch, and I'm about to go crazy trying to figure this out. If you know anything, please tell me.I don't want to sit here like an idiot wasting hours."

"This is intense," Jordan said, eyes wide with mock surprise. "Look, I'm not just messingwith you. You know you'll look even more like an idiot if you talk to him without knowinganything. But if you're saying you like him so much you're about to lose your mind, I have tochoose my best friend over some stranger I barely know. He checked out this morning."

"Checked out?" I asked, my voice rising in shock. I was completely caught off guard.

"He's not coming back here. What else can I say? He gave me my room key back."

"Where did he go?"

"Chen's place.: The moment he said that, I jumped up from the sofa and strode back to mybedroom to grab my car keys.

"I'm going out."

"Just to beg or confess your love?" Jordan didn't stop teasing, shouting louder when Iignored him and walked away. "Don't do anything stupid. I don't hang out with idiots."








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..










Blue's pov:

I went straight to Chen's room after class. No one was there except Chen, who let me in.Chen was dressed in a black shirt over dark slacks and sneakers. I couldn't remember everseeing Chen in this kind of outfit before, but he looked mature and very attractive.

Chen and I chatted for almost an hour. Since I'd already bought burgers from outside, I didn'taccept his offer to cook. He didn't ask about Anwar or mention his name once. He didmention Jordan a few times, as if he already knew he was back. At one point, someonetexted Chen. He stood up immediately after reading it, telling me to make myself at home; Icould use the room, kitchen, store things, or even use his clothes if I needed to.

Chen felt like a close friend, even though we'd only known each other for a few months andhad only gone out a few times. Maybe it was because he had such an approachablepersonality.

After Chen left, I spent the rest of the time lounging on the sofa, watching Netflix, andreading one of Chen's books to pass the time. No matter what I did, I couldn't focus.

Instead, Anwar's face, words, and touch kept replaying in my mind. Time crawled by. Bynighttime, I paused the movie, decided to shower, and let the cool water wash away some ofthe tension.

Even now, I'm not sure what I'm doing. How can I get back to normal in a few days? Should Itry to stop thinking about Anwar and focus on other things until I get used to it? Or should Iallow myself to think about him, but try to accept those feelings?

When I tried to distance myself from P'Phim... how did I do it?

Even though Chen said Rome might come back for his things, I haven't seen him. MaybeGia's relationship is going better than we talked about, even though Gia didn't seem seriousor invested in it. Maybe I should do that too – not be serious, not expect anything, so I won'tbe disappointed in the end.

Everyone who likes Anwar... did they start with expectations from the beginning, or did theexpectations develop later? I keep wondering about that.

The more I try to ask questions, the more frustrated I get at not finding the answers.

I sighed, putting on a white short-sleeved t-shirt and soft brown pants. I shook my still-damphair lightly. I don't know how many times I've thought about getting a haircut, but I haven'thad the chance yet. My hair is now getting quite long, reaching the back of my neck.


Knock knock...


The knock on the door pulled me towards it. I thought it was Rome, coming back for histhings as Chen had said, but when I opened the door, it was someone else—someone whohas been swirling in my thoughts for hours since last night. He was standing right in front ofme, less than an arm's length away.

Anwar raised a hand to hold the door open, as if afraid I would shut it in his face. He wasdressed similarly to me, almost like we were matching outfits, except his t-shirt was black,and his pants were the same color as mine.

I remained silent, not knowing what to say. Anwar seemed hesitant, unlike his usualconfident self.

"Where's Chen?" He finally spoke.

Oh... maybe he's here to see Chen, not me. How would Anwar know I'm here?

"Chen's not here."

"And who are you with?"

"No one." I replied briefly. A slight awkwardness crept into our conversation.

"Just finished showering?" As I let go of the doorknob, Anwar released his grip on the doorand stepped closer. "Can I come in?"

"If you're waiting for Chen, I don't know when he'll be back."

"It's okay," Anwar replied softly, moving closer until I stepped back, giving him space to enter.His warm hand touched my back, lightly. "Should I dry your hair?"

I'd never imagined anyone offering to dry my hair, especially not Anwar. Hearing that, I feltflustered. Before I knew it, I let Anwar take the towel from my shoulder. Thinking about ourfight last night made me even more awkward. I'd been so mean to Anwar, I didn't know whatto apologize for first.

Anwar sat on the sofa while I was pulled down to sit on the floor, between his long legs. Mymind was blank as I felt the towel gently rubbing my hair.

"Why are you here?" Anwar asked softly.

"I... what are you doing here?" I stopped myself from answering and asked instead. Anwarwas silent for a moment. The only indication that he was still there and time hadn't stoppedwas the weight of his hand and the towel still blotting my wet hair.

"I came to take you home." Those words surprised me and made my heart race.

Anwar? He drove all the way here just to dry my hair and take me home... It felt like I wasdreaming.

"I don't want to go home." I wasn't sure how appropriate that response was. Anwar might getangry, but I genuinely meant it. I didn't want to go home, especially not now, when I haven'tbeen able to solve a single problem I'm facing.

Anwar didn't say anything else. He gently massaged my head, alternating with using thetowel until my hair was dry. We sat in silence for several minutes, until Anwar tossed thetowel carelessly onto another sofa. Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders before heleaned down, almost enclosing me in a half-hug.

"Then, can I come see you?"

I froze. His deep voice was close, slow, and slightly coaxing.

"Every day."

"Why?" I sat stiffly, not daring to turn my head, knowing how close he was.

That's right, why? Why would Anwar come see me here every day?

When others confessed their love to him, did he offer to comfort them every day until theygot over it?

"Blue, what did I tell you?" Anwar leaned in, his nose brushing my temple. "I like you a lot,didn't I say that?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"And I'd ask to visit someone I like a lot. Does that sound strange, or do you need morereasons?"

I pursed my lips, my heart pounding so hard I felt it might burst out of my chest. I was tryingdesperately to suppress the fluttering in my stomach, telling myself he was just saying it...like he might say to others for comfort or to ease the situation.

"What are you doing, Anwar? I don't like this," I inhaled deeply before standing up. Anwareasily let me do so, but he wouldn't let me escape, grabbing my wrist. His grip wasn't painful,but it clearly stated he wasn't letting me go.

"You don't like that I like you?"

"No. I don't like this, I don't like how I feel." He pulled me to face him. Anwar looked up at mefrom below, while I stood still, not wanting to get any closer.

"What are we doing?"

"What we're doing right now. I told you, your 'liking' me isn't the same as mine. You agreewith that," Anwar's face was impassive, but I saw a trace of anxiety mixed with tension in hiseyes, in the slight furrow of his brows. "I'm trying very hard not to become annoying andclingy. Your kindness, your care, your actions... they're making me think more, making melike you more and more. Anwar, I'm trying really hard. I want you to help me."

"Help you how?"

"Start by letting go of my hand," I tugged gently, but Anwar raised an eyebrow and tightenedhis grip.

"So, you want my help to make you like me less?"

"..."

"Come sit here. I want to talk." He patted the empty space beside him. Seeing me remainstill, he spoke more softly, "Please?"

I'm not sure what made me relent—Anwar's voice, or his pleading expression.

As soon as I sat down, Anwar propped one leg up on the sofa to face me directly. "I want totalk, but you have to promise you won't lie to me."

I pursed my lips. The request felt like a huge pit, and Anwar was asking me to jump in."I won't lie either," he added, making me nod slightly.

"Did it feel bad when I said I like you?" Anwar began with his first question. It was differentfrom what I expected. My fear had made me imagine hearing, "Do you like me?" or "Do youwant to date me?" first. If that had been the case, I would have retracted everything and runaway if I could.

"It's...it's not good or bad," I struggled to find an answer that was honest to both him andmyself. "It's just...I know your 'liking' me is different from mine."

"How is it different?"

"I'm not used to the kind of relationship you're suggesting. You know I'm not used to casualdating, dating without serious intentions. It's not that I dislike it, but I...I'm just not comfortablewith it. And I can't control myself. I..." My words trailed off. I couldn't think of anything else,and I didn't know how to explain my thoughts. "I've never dated anyone like this before. You,on the other hand, don't get serious with anyone you date."

Once I put it that way, I felt how childish and demanding my words sounded.I didn't like it one bit.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"No, we are going to continue this conversation," Anwar interrupted calmly. His expressionwas so serious I didn't dare argue. He sighed. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but Ijust want to make sure I understand correctly."

"Understand correctly?"

"Let me summarize. You like me, and you're starting to get serious, at least expectingsomething more from this relationship, something beyond just casual sex." Anwar's wordswere like a sharp knife slicing my skin. I lowered my head to hide my face, feeling atightening box around me, making it hard to breathe. Anwar didn't touch me, even thoughwe were sitting so close, as if he was deliberately leaving a small space between us.

That's good...because if I were pressured any more, I might lose it completely.

"I said I like you a lot, but you think it means nothing coming from me. You think I say 'I likeyou a lot' to everyone I sleep with."

"Don't you?" I silently argued, glancing up at him. I quickly averted my gaze again whenAnwar met my eyes directly, unwavering.

What kind of situation was I in? I didn't know, and I couldn't guess.

What did Anwar want by grilling me with these questions? To end things? To comfort me? Totell me to give up hope because it wouldn't work out? I dared not guess anything morepositive. It felt like I was playing in a flower garden, a fool indulging in daydreams.

"Am I understanding this correctly?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I sound like such an asshole that saying 'I like you a lot' sounds worthless, right?" Anwarchuckled awkwardly.

"I didn't..." I lifted my head, then hesitated. The rebuttal died on my lips as I realized it wasactually what I thought. Even if I didn't think Anwar was an asshole or bad, his conclusionwas something I truly believed.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to express this better," Anwar licked his lips nervously. His darkeyes intensified, making his handsome face appear stern and serious. "Blue, I want you tobelieve me. I like you so much that I want to give you everything you want, but even I'm notsure I can give you what I want to."

"What does that mean?" It was hard to understand. With my mind blank like this, his wordsmade me feel even more lost.

"I want to..." Anwar frowned, as if his thoughts wouldn't cooperate. He took a deep breathbefore rephrasing, his low voice a barely audible curse against his lips. "Fuck..."

I unconsciously held my breath as Anwar looked deep into my eyes. His brown eyes held mecaptive, forcing me to listen intently to what he was about to say.

"I'm going crazy because I want to love you, but I don't know how."