31.

The sentence left me stunned. My body reacted; my heart pounded, a flush spreadingacross my ears. My mind, however, was even more confused, as if I were standing at acrossroads with countless paths. What did he just mean...? It seemed both clear and vagueat the same time.

"I want to... but..." I frowned, irritated by how slow my brain was at processing things.

"Want to hear it or not?" This time, he gave me a choice, and what else could I do but nod?

Anwar sighed with a serious expression, falling silent for a moment as if he was organizinghis thoughts. Finally, he began to speak. "I once had a girlfriend I dated for many months.Belle. She was the person I liked the most at that time. She was simple, cute, and the leastfussy. I didn't overthink anything, only wanting to make her smile widely, laugh happily, andget everything she desired."

It sounded close to love, an enviable love life, until Anwar spoke the next sentence.

"Many times, I felt what we had wasn't love, but something always stopped me frombreaking up with her. She was upset about her family, stressed about school, about to takean exam, working on an important project and losing sleep. I felt so damn unlucky, takingtime off just so her already bad times wouldn't get worse because of me. But doing thatmade me feel like the biggest asshole when she asked me, 'How long have you felt thisway?' And I couldn't answer because it had been more than half of our relationship."

"Anwar..." I murmured his name softly. Whether it was his story, his expression, or his tone,something made me feel awful too.

"It's easier to stay than to break up, you know? She was lovely, we got along well, I washappy with Belle. I didn't want to hurt her. Many times I thought, 'not being in love' was just ahasty conclusion based on a fleeting emotion, on who I was at the time. And the result ofself-deception was that I also stole Belle's time. In the end, she got hurt because of meanyway." The guilt was evident on Anwar's handsome face. He looked away from me, up atthe ceiling, before taking a deep breath and furrowing his brow. "Even if it wasn't love aslovers, I loved her deeply in other ways-as a friend, someone who knew me best, someoneclosest to me, another human being in the world. I thank God for sending her to me... shemight even be God's compensation for causing that to happen," he whispered the last part,but I heard it clearly.

Anwar now seemed different from the Anwar I had always known. The atmosphere washeavy, and Anwar himself was lost in his own thoughts, casually recounting all the mistakeshe had made.

"After we broke up, I decided to go back to how it was before-not serious with anyone, nodating, no giving anyone hope, just casual relationships. It's stressful when someone likesme, but the guilt I feel isn't as heavy as the guilt I feel towards Belle because I think I didn'tdeceive anyone else."

"Didn't you ever meet someone you really liked during all those casual relationships?" Iblurted out my question. Anwar raised an eyebrow slightly.

"I liked everyone I had a relationship with. I didn't just pick up anyone walking by and sleepwith them without liking them; it wasn't like that. There were times I liked someone a lot - somuch that I didn't want to develop the relationship for fear of losing them, so much that itirritated me to see them interested in others more. But it was all easily manageable. Justremembering the awful feeling of having to break up with someone was enough to make menot want to develop any more relationships. This current situation is easier. That sentencehas a huge impact, you know."

"..." I fell silent, unsure what to say.

"Then someone else came along. Jamie was Jasper's acquaintance, and that's why Jasperwarned me to stay away from him. We both laughed at the warning, thinking it was absurdbecause at that time, I liked Jamie the most. I liked Jamie more than I liked Belle when wefirst met. We got along so well that it was easy to think, 'This is the one I love...'" Anwarpaused, licking his lips and running his hands over his face, holding them there so I couldn'tsee his expression.

I could guess where this was going, and I couldn't describe how I felt about it.

"I still remember his face to this day. The sound of his crying, too."

An awkwardness settled around us. I hesitated for a moment before placing my hand on hisstrong thigh, noticing his stillness. Anwar lowered his hands; his beautiful brown eyesglanced at me calmly.

"You mean like this, not knowing how to love?" I asked.

Anwar's definition of love seemed far more complex than mine. It was so complex, it washard to understand. It was like each word was separate from the meaning I knew.

"You said you liked me."

"Yes."

"What kind of liking...?" I continued, hope rising uncontrollably just because I saw a smalllight at the end of the tunnel. Could I chase after it? Even if I didn't know if that light was real,and how far away it was.

My hand was gently enveloped before Anwar lifted it to his lips. His warm breath caressedmy skin.

"I like you...in a way that I never want to let go. I like you so much that I can't think aboutanyone else. I like you so much that I'd want you to ask me for something, and I'd pray I'dhave the courage to accept it."

I squeezed his hand before releasing it, then gently touched his warm cheek. My thoughtsdrifted back to Simon and his story. "And when you said you wanted to hug me every day,it's okay for others to hug me too, right?"

"Why do you ask that?" His dark eyebrows twitched slightly. His beautiful eyes hardenedwith a feeling before he quickly masked it.

"Because you act like you really think that way. Like other people who sleep with both youand Simon. You can watch them have sex without feeling anything, right?"

"I've thought and felt that way for a long time, but believe me now, just the thought ofsomeone else hugging you would drive me crazy."

The confession was so easily delivered. I tried to breathe slowly to control my rapidly beatingheart. Anwar put his hand over mine, turning his face until his lips touched my palm beforeclosing his eyes.

"I don't want to make a mistake, but I don't know..." he whispered, as if talking to himself.The confusion was evident even though he didn't open his eyes.

I couldn't stop my own hope anymore.

As I decided to step back and gather myself, I was just stuck on all the impossibilities. Theidea that Anwar didn't feel differently about me than others. But what I was hearing, theAnwar in front of me right now, was shaking that belief severely.

Should I risk running towards that small, real light I see?

Even if that light leads me to stumble into a large, dark pit in the end, would I still want to runtowards it?

It might be an advantage for me. I've always been the one waiting for love from others.Taking a risk and running towards hope is something I'm good at. Sadness,disappointment-I'm used to it all because I've never been the one to choose before."If you want to love me, why don't you try?" I said, a self-centered sentence, but I couldn'tthink of anything more eloquent right now.

Anwar immediately opened his eyes and looked at me. As I propped myself up to sit on mylegs, I raised both hands to touch his beautiful face, tracing my thumb slowly across hisdelicate skin.

"I won't be angry if you don't feel that way about me in the end. So, if I ask you to stopworrying, stop overthinking that I'll be hurt, can you do that for me?"

I took a deep breath, a slight tremor contrasting with the bravest words I've ever spoken."If I get hurt, I'll take responsibility for it myself." I felt restless and shifted, letting my kneesrest against the soft sofa before Anwar put his arms around my waist, pulling me closer.I looked down at his handsome face, which was below mine.

I leaned in until our noses touched, knowing I've gone too far to turn back now.At most, it'll just hurt. That's all.

"Love me. Until I return to Thailand. Love me without fearing the outcome. If this is what I'masking, can you do it for me?"

We held each other's gaze. His strong arms tightened around me before his warm handmoved to rest on my back. Anwar lowered his eyes, his dark eyelashes visible as he leanedin.

"You make me want to kiss you."

"Do it then," I whispered, before all sound disappeared as he pressed his lips against mine.A warmth spread through my abdomen and chest. I pressed my body closer, straddling hisstrong thighs. I felt his hand caress my buttocks as I used both hands to cradle hishandsome face.

The kiss was deep and long. I let Anwar savor and taste my lips. His warm tongue intruded,teasing the inside of my mouth. He nibbled on my lower lip, then my upper lip, his tongueentwined with mine, our breaths mingling.

We'd kissed many times before, and each kiss had been wonderful, but this one wasdifferent. It made my heart swell, my body light and almost weightless, feeling nothing but hislips and breath.

The soft sounds of the kiss were vivid, even though I had closed my eyes. The sounds ofour tongues against each other, the slurping, the sucking sounds as Anwar kissed my lowerlip, and our ragged breathing - I didn't know how long the kiss lasted. Just as I began togasp for air, Anwar pulled away, kissing the saliva from the corners of my mouth. He thentrailed kisses across my neck, shoulder, jawline, and behind my ear while I caught mybreath.

Before I knew it, I collapsed onto him, completely limp. I saw a faint smile appear on hisusually stoic face. Anwar still looked slightly tense, but the pressure in the air was gonecompared to before.

"I have a photoshoot in Northern Ireland next month..." Anwar brushed the hair from myface, tucking a strand behind my ear. "Will I still find you when I get back?"

I smiled. "Wouldn't it be better if I didn't tell you my return date?" At least then I wouldn't feellike there was a deadline looming.

"So, are you coming home with me tonight?"

"Hmm..." I murmured, a low sound in my throat. Anwar held me tighter. My legs brushedagainst his side. "We gave Jordan back his room."

"Then sleep in my room."

I narrowed my eyes. "No, thanks."

"Why?" Because I didn't want to wait for Anwar in that room. I didn't like the anxious feelingwhen Anwar came home late or stayed overnight elsewhere. When I slept on the third floor, Icould simply go back to my own room if I didn't want to be aware of him. Sleeping in Anwar'sroom meant I'd be aware of his every move.

"I don't want to bother you," I said evasively.

"I don't see you as a bother. You don't seem to mind staying in Chen's room, but you'rehesitant about mine. What's that about?"

"I want some space to think. I imagine you want that too," I placed my hand on his broadshoulder. "Is that so bad?"

"It's good, but I also want to cuddle with you."

I didn't know what he was playing at. Suddenly, he was acting all sweet and needy. Not that Idisliked it, but it felt strangely ticklish.

"Then ask me to stay over, and we'll take it night by night," I saw a sparkle in his brown eyes.He chuckled softly and nodded in surrender.

"If I ask you tonight?"

I raised an eyebrow, gently extricating myself from his warm embrace before pretending toget a drink of water. "It depends on what kind of cuddle you're offering."

Because it felt good to be in control sometimes, like I could control the situation.

Anwar stood behind me, his hands bracing against the kitchen counter, effectively trappingme. He rested his chin on my shoulder, gently. "Can I choose what kind of cuddle we have?"I hid a smile, pretending to be intensely focused on pouring water into a glass. Even thoughwe'd clarified things, many questions lingered. Maybe because Anwar hadn't explicitly saidwhether he'd do what I'd asked, even though the kiss he'd requested and given was a goodsign.

There was too much to think about for both of us. He needed more time to think, I knew thiswell, because I needed to think too.

Less than a month remained before I returned to Thailand. Would that be enough time forAnwar to make up his mind? And even if he truly loved me, being thousands of kilometersapart would be a huge obstacle, especially for Anwar who'd never lacked sex before. Wouldhe love me enough to break things off with everyone else and wait for me?

There was just too much to think about. Even though impulsiveness had led me to answerhim so easily, my anxieties didn't lessen.

Had I been too bold?

Should I have planned ahead, or just let things unfold and be unpredictable, just as I'd toldAnwar to do?

"Anwar," I called his name before deciding to face him, leaning my hips against the counter."In the remaining month, don't force yourself for me."

Anwar remained silent, listening intently. He nodded after a few seconds of contemplation."I want you to think of this as us creating memories, memories that will be valuable whetherthey're good or bad, successful or disappointing. I don't want you obsessing over defininglove," I wasn't just saying this to Anwar; I wanted to engrave this understanding into my ownmind as well. "Let's make this a memory: a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet, toexperience."

Anwar lowered his eyes, his lips pursed, but finally he nodded slightly. Even now, he seemedto be wrestling with a thousand thoughts. His dark eyebrows furrowed slightly before I liftedmy index finger, gently stroking them smooth.

"Stop thinking, whatever you're thinking. Let it be. Don't think, don't force anything," I movedmy hand to clasp the back of his warm neck, rising on my tiptoes, though our eyes stillweren't level.

My lips brushed against Anwar's, lightly, without entwining tongues. I let Anwar put his armsaround my waist for support. A deep ache remained, but a thrill kept me from letting go."I know sex doesn't solve problems or make things better, but... right now, I really want youto hold me."

Anwar's face showed surprise, while I laughed, even though our lips were still close. Iquickly added, "But we're in some else's room. That's probably not very good, and I don'twant to go home tonight either."

"Are you trying to be cruel by saying that?"

"I'm teaching you to be patient... Can you wait?"

"I can wait," Anwar smiled, a slightly strained smile. He tightened his grip around my waistbefore leaning down to whisper in my ear, making the hairs on my neck stand on end. "Foryou, I can always wait."

It felt strange, sleeping elsewhere, even though Anwar was with me.







..






..









I rested my chin on my hand, watching Anwar busily making me breakfast. We'd gone out tobuy some simple ingredients, and he'd volunteered to cook because my culinary skills werefar inferior to his - we dared not risk my cooking.

The meal was simple, our conversation light and casual. The tense atmosphere hadcompletely dissipated, as if we hadn't just had the most serious conversation of our lives. Idid the dishes while gently urging Anwar to shower, after he firmly insisted on staying thenight.

He hadn't even brought a change of clothes, and he stared at me when I offered him one ofChen's t-shirts.

"You can't sleep naked, and you can't sleep in the same clothes on Chen's bed," Iemphasized, firmly pressing the shirt into his hand, avoiding the gaze at his attractivesix-pack, and escaping the bathroom.

"You know, I never thought I'd be annoyed by someone offering me another man's shirt,even if the owner is my friend," Anwar murmured, following me out. "At least, not in my lifeas a model."

Anwar seemed more familiar with this room than I was. Naturally, being friends with bothRome and Chen, he'd been here many times. After I finished washing my face and brushingmy teeth, I found Anwar sprawled comfortably on the large sofa. He put away his phone assoon as he saw me.

"Are you sleepy?" I shook my head. I usually stay up late.

Anwar didn't say anything, but held up three of Chen's DVDs. I raised an eyebrow,approached, lightly touched the one I wanted to watch, before sitting down on the sofa whileAnwar got the player ready.

It felt like a dream...what we had talked about just hours before.

"I like this... this feeling of not wanting to let go. I like it so much that I can't think aboutanything else."

It felt like a dream, unbelievable that I'd actually heard those words from Anwar. And now wewere back to doing something so comfortable together, like cuddling and watching a moviebefore bed.

My body was pulled against Anwar's as he sat back down, his arm loosely around me, notconstricting at all. I soaked in the warmth, aware of my rapidly beating heart and thefluttering butterflies in my stomach. We didn't speak, letting the silence fill the spacebetween us, punctuated only by the sounds of the movie I'd chosen. Occasionally, Anwarshifted as if he was uncomfortable, and once he easily lifted me onto his lap as if I weighednothing. Our bodies were almost completely pressed together. Anwar's warm hand tracedslow, aimless circles on my thigh, a mixture of comforting me and indulging himself.

The gentle touch relaxed me unconsciously. I only made it halfway through the movie beforemy eyelids grew heavy and I started yawning, causing Anwar to look down at me.

"Sleepy?"

"Mmm, yeah, I'm tired," I murmured, resting my head on his shoulder, feeling a kiss pressedto my temple before I was lifted effortlessly into his arms.

"Then let's go to bed."

"You make me feel so light."

"I thought you'd be heavier," he replied, using his foot to push open the bedroom door beforestepping inside. The room was dark, lit only faintly by the light spilling in from the living room.Anwar laid me on the bed, arranging everything as if I were a patient needing care. Withinfive minutes, his tall frame was nestled under the same blanket, lying on his side, gazingsilently at me.

"If you're not sleepy, you don't have to sleep with me."

"Okay."

"Yes?"

"I'm not sleepy, but I don't want to do anything else," he replied curtly, leaving the rest for meto infer.

I fell silent, lifting a finger to lightly trace his prominent nose, then following the line of hiseyelids, which were subtly closing, down his smooth cheek, sharp jawline, and soft lips.Anwar was handsome... unbelievably handsome, almost unattainable.

I unconsciously held my breath as he gently took the tip of my finger into his mouth, his teethlightly grazing it. That alone was enough to send a shiver down my spine, forcing me to pullmy hand away. The action brought a faint dimple to his smile-not as pronounced as othersI'd seen, but charming and perfectly suited to him.

My fingertips moved slowly downward, tracing his throat, Adam's apple, and the soft hollowbetween his collarbone and the neckline of his plain black t-shirt-a simple short-sleevedshirt I'd chosen for him. He seemed to own countless such shirts, making me forget he everwore anything else.

Anwar watched my actions silently, a faint smile still playing on his lips, until my fingersreached his stomach, feeling his strong six-pack through the thin fabric before slipping underthe shirt to touch his bare skin.

Even a light touch made him tense.

"Changed your mind, or just a coincidence?" his husky voice murmured. I didn't answerimmediately, spending a moment longer caressing his abdomen before I heard Anwarexhale softly.

"Just a coincidence," I finally replied. "But if you don't want me to touch..."

"As you wish," he responded briefly, closing his eyes with a slight frown.

As for me, I found this even more exciting. I moved my hand higher, lifting his shirt with it.When it got stuck, Anwar shifted onto his back, giving me access to his strong chest, whichrose and fell with each breath.

He pulled my leg up and over his body, my knee resting near the stomach I'd been caressingmoments before. He then slowly caressed my leg, mirroring the way he'd touched me whilewe watched a movie, except now our focus was entirely on our physical touch.

"Tell me more about you. I want to hear," I requested, rolling onto my side to get a betterview of him.

"What do you want to hear about?" Anwar seemed entirely at my disposal. He wasn't one tooften share personal details; I didn't know much about him unless I saw it or asked.

"Where is your ex-boyfriend, Jamie, now? Do you still keep in touch?"

"Occasionally. When he post stories on Instagram or message me when I post something,but it's not often. We haven't seen each other in a long time, not face-to-face anyway."

"What if you liked someone, but they didn't want a casual sexual relationship?"

"There's nothing I can do," Anwar paused for a moment before answering simply. "I can'tforce anyone into bed. If they're not ready for this kind of sex, and I'm not ready for a seriousrelationship, we just can't be together. That's all."

I listened, my fingers still moving on his chest, lost in thought before bringing up a topic I'dnever spoken about with anyone before. "What's your family like? Do they know you datemen...?"

"Yes. It's not like I've brought anyone home to meet them, but I've never hidden who I'm withif they ask." Based on my assumption, Anwar's family seemed easy-going, a stark contrastto my father.

"At home, there's only my mom who I can talk to about many things. My dad really dislikeshomosexuality. Actually, I didn't just come here because of P'Phim; I also argued with mydad about this." A gentle touch moved from my thigh to my calf, then wandered across mylegs as he listened intently. "I haven't talked to him in months. I don't know if he's actuallygotten over it, like mom said."

Anwar offered no comment, neither guessing whether my father was still angry or not, normentioning my father's love for me or the reasons why my father might dislike gay people. Iliked him for this; he never said anything he didn't know or wasn't sure about.

"Let's change the subject... you have a really great physique," I complimented, touching hishard chest and then his sculpted stomach. "I'll never have a body like that."

Many other lingering questions in my mind were shelved. I didn't want to ask anything thatmight ruin the mood between us right now. All the stress, all the worries-I just wanted toforget them, even if only for a little while.

"If you work out, you'll get a body like this," Anwar chuckled softly. "Do you like it?"

I smiled. Something spurred me to sit astride him. The light from outside allowed me to seevaguely, but once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, things became clearer. I traced myfingers across his body, creating gentle sensations as he tensed his stomach in response.

"I don't know if I'd like it on myself, but I like these muscles on you."

Anwar smiled gently. "Remember? You wouldn't even dare touch my stomach at first."I only remembered because he mentioned it. Back then, everything felt so awkward. Butafter we touched each other often, after having sex many times, that initial awkwardnessgradually faded away.

"Things are different now than they were then," I countered softly, leaning in until our lipsalmost touched. I paused for several teasing seconds before shifting to kiss elsewhere-hisjawline, neck, clavicle, over the shirt that had ridden up, down to the warm skin of his chest."Now I'm bolder. Bolder than just touching."

Anwar raised an eyebrow, unconsciously tensing his stomach, making his six-pack moreprominent as I pulled back and playfully blew on him. "Blue, you've gone too far."

"Hmm, I thought you liked it when I went too far," I raised my eyes to meet his, lingering as Ipressed my lips against the waistband of his elastic-banded shorts. "Didn't you...?"

Anwar didn't answer. He frowned slightly, biting his lower lip. He threaded a finger into myhair and gently tugged. When I ran my hand down the waistband of his shorts and touchedhis lower body, I felt him growing harder and harder.

The feeling of knowing I aroused him was always incredibly good.

"We can't do this on Chen's bed," I whispered. Anwar's eyes darkened, intensified. Helooked at me like he wanted to aggressively seize me, but because he remained still, Iallowed myself a wide grin. "Then let me help soothe you."

"Soothe me how?"

I didn't answer, only gripping Anwar's fabric shorts. He lifted himself to allow me to pull themdown easily. His large body was revealed. I reached out and touched him before lying downon my side next to him as before.

"Soothe you by relaxing you. Sound good?"

"Let's see." That kind of permission again-it sounded half-permission, half-challenge.

I caressed the warm flesh slowly, leisurely exploring it until finally I enveloped it completely inmy hand, then began to stroke it slowly. Anwar moaned softly in his throat.

"Do you like this?" I asked, using my thumb to gently massage the head.

"Yes."

I hid a smile behind a composed expression, moving my hand slowly, more like the soothingI'd promised than something designed to rush him to climax.

"I want to know..." I began, watching as Anwar gradually lowered his eyelids until they wereclosed.

"Hmm," he responded, a low sound in his throat.

"What kind of lover do you like?"

"I don't know. I like many types. Maybe someone a little stubborn, defiant?" I filed thatinformation away.

"And normally, do you prefer rough or gentle, romantic sex?"

"I can do rough and romantic at the same time," Anwar smiled slightly. "Romantic doesn'talways mean slow."

"Simon told me you were in the room while he had sex with your partner. Weren't youjealous?"

"No. We weren't together."

"You didn't feel anything?"

"I didn't feel anything and I didn't think anything of it."

"What if I were the one lying there instead?" As soon as I finished speaking, Anwar openedhis eyes and stared directly at me.

"Want me to have sex with someone else for you to watch?" he countered, licking his lipsslightly as I deliberately tightened my grip.

"No," I replied, but Anwar continued to stare intently, as if checking every subtle movement Imade.

"Good. You're better for me to do it to."

"Jealous?"

"Yes, jealous." His straightforward answer left me flustered. When I tried to pull my handaway in embarrassment, Anwar quickly covered it with his own. "Don't stop. I'm enjoyingthis."

Not only did he not stop, he took control, moving my hand even though I was the one who'dstarted teasing him. But now I couldn't control the heat spreading across my skin.

"Y-you," I stammered, reverting to my usual clumsy self. My hands felt all wrong. WhenAnwar chuckled softly and released my hand, I quickly turned my back to him. This gave himthe opportunity to press close behind me, his warm breath on my neck, a husky whisperseeming deliberately provocative.

"Not doing it anymore?" he murmured, his arm wrapping tightly around my waist as hepressed himself against me, leaving almost no space between us.

"I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sleepy."

"Leaving it like this is no good..." I flinched slightly as his lips lightly grazed my neck. I felt hishand slide down my stomach.

"You said you could wait, didn't you?" I retorted calmly. I heard a soft chuckle from behindme before I dared to turn around and meet his eyes. "Then you have to wait."

Anwar inhaled deeply before releasing my hand and hugging me again, without reachingunder my shirt. His well-defined lips curled into a smile that contradicted the fiery desire inhis eyes.

"I can wait. I told you I can wait... but when the time comes, don't ask me to stop."

Even though I was blushing furiously, something inside me urged me to respond.

"Are you going to punish me for teasing into you earlier?" I raised my hand to touch his warmcheek, tracing it down to his chest, which he'd already modestly covered with his shirt. "I'mnot afraid."

He grinned instantly, his beautiful brown eyes sparkling. He then grabbed my hand andkissed it forcefully.

"It's good if you're not afraid..."

"..."

"That way, if I accidentally make you cry, I won't feel as guilty."