35.

"Blue, are you okay?"

"Not at all," I shook my head, admitting it frankly. I handed back the key. Chen took it, hisgaze lingering on me inquisitively. "Thank you so much for letting me borrow the room.""Are you going back to your old place?"

"No, I have to go back to Thailand soon... I doubt anyone would rent a room for half a month,so I'll probably just get a hotel." I shook my head and turned to finish stuffing my foldedclothes into my large bag. Knowing I couldn't hide my expression or anything from Chen, Ididn't bother trying to suppress the tears welling up.

"Did you have a big fight?"

"I don't even know if it counts as a fight. It's like I went crazy, all by himself."

"Why's that?"

"He went back to his ex." I tried to organize my thoughts, my mind feeling muddled, finding itincredibly difficult because I couldn't even sort out my own feelings. "I don't know. It's like...he said he couldn't let go, said he'd come back, but then he just left... I don't know either."

"Couldn't let go?" Chen echoed.

"I don't know if you know him, but it seems Anwar used to really like this person. Maybeeven the most he's ever liked anyone." I looked up and met Chen's eyes, revealing the otherperson's name when I saw him raise an eyebrow slightly. "Do you know someone namedJamie?"

"Jamie? Yeah, I've seen him a few times at parties months ago. Anwar brought him here acouple of times too."

"I'm completely beaten, aren't I?" I asked, smiling faintly, wiping my face quickly, and thenstanding up. "And it's so late now. I probably won't find a hotel tonight; I'll have to leave in themorning, right?"

"Which hotel will you stay at? Have you looked yet?"

"Not yet. I'll probably just have a taxi take me somewhere." Or maybe I should search first."Come with me."

"Go with you? Go where?" I chuckled softly. "You let me borrow this place; I feel bad."

"Hey, don't feel bad! We're friends. I have a spare room. And it's only a few days," Chenwaved his hand dismissively. "But let me call first."

I'm not sure where Chen would want me to go with him. Maybe his house? And needing tocall first probably means his parents. If that's the case, it might be good. Chen's parentsaren't home much. They spend almost all day at their restaurant, so we don't get to see eachother often, and I don't have to force a smile and pretend to be cheerful.

"Okay?" Chen picked up his phone, raising an eyebrow one last time before seeming to startdialing.

"Okay," I replied simply. Chen nodded and moved towards the kitchen area. He turned hisback to me, speaking quietly into the phone for a moment. Finally, he turned back, nodding afew times.

"Let's go."

We went downstairs and saw Chen's usual large black motorcycle. We stopped to buygroceries before he drove straight to downtown, parking the motorcycle on the roadside nextto a tall, light-colored building. He reached out to help me take off my helmet.

"I thought we were going to your house," I commented, my short legs having just landed onthe floor.

"No. I've been staying here a lot lately...it's a condo. A penthouse, on the top floor," Chengestured upwards. I nodded, following him through the large glass doors into the building.

The interior was simply decorated but luxurious and incredibly quiet; you could hear everymovement. It felt like a different world from the noisy streets outside.

The elevator carried us higher and higher. I didn't know what floor or when it would stop, as Ispent the time looking down at my feet, lost in thought. Chen gently touched my arm, pullingme back to reality, and stepped out first. Exiting the elevator, we found only one door,making it clear that this apartment occupied the entire floor.

I started to feel nervous, while Chen seemed perfectly relaxed as he led me inside. It was ahuge apartment, divided into distinct sections. Upon entering, there was a large windowoffering an expansive outside view. Fashion photographs covered half the right-hand wall.Further in, a hallway branched off: the right led to a door, while the left led to a sitting areawith white walls, light-colored wood floors, and a modern black fireplace recessed into thewall opposite the window. A large, pristine white sofa sat alongside two smaller beige-greysofas. A white fur rug with a black border and a glass coffee table completed the scene.

This place didn't feel warm and homey like Chen's house. It felt like...a scene from a movieabout the rich, or a very expensive hotel. The only thing that confirmed it was a realresidence was the slender figure of someone in a white bathrobe descending a spiralstaircase. His sculpted face was impassive, though he did raise an eyebrow slightly whenhe saw Chen and me.

Just making eye contact with him made me tense because I recognized him immediately.Wasn't he that actor? That big Hollywood movie star? I was used to running into celebritiesin large department stores in Bangkok, or occasionally sitting near them in fancy restaurantswhen dining out with my family. But a Hollywood star? I never imagined I'd have the chanceto meet one, especially not under these circumstances. Meeting him practically straight outof the shower was even more unexpected.

"This is my friend, Blue. And this is Ellis Gilmore, someone I respect," Chen hesitatedseveral times, once during the introduction of the surname, and again afterward, as ifsearching for the right words.

"Hello," I nodded, offering a smile. "Sorry to bother you."

"Not at all, please feel free," Ellis offered a small smile, glancing briefly at Chen beforelooking down at himself. "Oh, sorry, there was a slight problem with the bathroom, so Ishowered upstairs."

"Did you just wake up?"

"Mm-hmm. Let's show your friend the apartment first," Ellis said in a calm, yet somehow soft,tone. He smiled at me one last time before moving away.

"Chen...is it really okay for me to stay here? Maybe I should find a hotel," I turned to Chenimmediately, now that it was just the two of us. I didn't know if it was the place itself or theowner that made me feel this way—tiny and incredibly nervous.

"It's really okay. He gave permission," Chen glanced behind him before turning back to meetmy gaze. "He might seem aloof on the surface, but he's actually very kind."

"He's...an actor, right?" I asked.

"...He used to be."

I pursed my lips. My already throbbing head felt even worse. I wondered about theirrelationship, but dismissed the thought in a fraction of a second. It wasn't important, and itdidn't concern me. What mattered was that Chen had let me stay here. He'd helped meagain.

"Have you showered yet, Blue? Want to take a shower first? Might make you feel better,"Chen led me into a room next to the stairs. It was a bedroom, not very large, with a raised,king-size bed. The room was decorated in whites and soft beiges, accented with wood. Chengently pushed open the bathroom door, turned on the light, and stepped aside, gesturing forme to enter. "Soak in a warm bath, it might help. I'll make you something to eat afterward."

"Okay...thank you so much, Chen."

"No problem. If you get hungry or need anything, I'll be on the sofa outside."

"Okay."

That was the end of our conversation. Chen left the room, carefully closing the door behindhim. I walked back to the bed, dropped my large bag, and then myself onto the bed, lettingthe silence envelop me for a while as I tried to sort out my thoughts.

'Did you have a big fight...?'

Even though a part of me didn't think it was a fight, why did I still feel this way? Why was I soheartbroken that I wanted to run away, even though Anwar told me to wait? Why didn't I wantto stay there?

I couldn't find the answers. The only things that came to mind, from all the questions swirlingin my head, were "because I'm heartbroken" and "because I can't do it." They were simpleanswers, but that's all I could come up with.

I'd promised Anwar I'd deal with my feelings, but I'd never really thought about what thatentailed. I'd only prepared myself for the possibility that we might not be together, that Anwarmight not feel anything more than a strong liking, and that it would end when I left.

I might be heartbroken, regretful about missing out on many things with him like before. Butafter a while, I'd gradually forget him. Maybe we'd talk occasionally if he posted a story and Imessaged him, or maybe it would just be liking his photos.

It was this kind of heartbreak I'd imagined, but because I never considered what had justhappened, I had absolutely no resistance to it.

I never thought about how I'd feel if one day I was slapped in the face with the truth thatAnwar chose to go back to Jamie.

I was so confident in his "I like you a lot" and "You're the most important" that I didn't take thetime to prepare myself for this scenario.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or if Anwar is underestimating this situation.

The "wait for me" he said... how long do I have to wait? How many hours? How manydays...? How long will it take him to finish talking to Jamie, hugging Jamie, and then comingback? And if Jamie doesn't let go, and Anwar can't let go of Jamie either, how many moreweeks will I have to wait? Or do I have to wait until I go back to Thailand?

And how can I wait, when my mind keeps replaying their embrace?

He left in a hurry, less than a minute... yet he tells me to just keep waiting, without any endin sight.

How am I supposed to do that?

My phone screen shows midnight. There's a message from Anwar, sent about half an hourago, repeating the same sentence he said before he left: "Wait for me. I'll be right back."

I chuckled softly, ran a hand over my numb face, feeling nothing, and decided to turn off thescreen. I grabbed a towel, got up, and went into the bathroom. I soaked in the warm bathuntil my fingertips were wrinkly. It helped, a little. It helped to let time pass slowly, to try andthink things through, even though my mind was blank. When I couldn't think of anything, Iclosed my eyes and rested my face against the white tub. I sat there, passively surrendering,until the fatigue in my head and body slowly subsided.

I really did feel more comfortable, as Chen said. But what could ease my mind at a time likethis?

I got dressed, decided to leave my phone on the bed, and walked out of the roomempty-handed. Chen and Ellis were sitting together on the sofa. Ellis was sittingcross-legged. He was already in a fresh outfit: a smooth, light white shirt and almostfull-length black trousers. He glanced at me, as did Chen, who gave a small smile.

"Feeling better? Come sit with us."

I nodded, murmuring softly, "Better now, thanks," before seating myself on the empty spaceon the sofa.

The scent of cologne in the air made me even more relaxed. I was acting awkwardly, so Ellissmiled slightly. He softly placed his teacup on the coaster on the table.

"Am I making you nervous?"

"No... uh..." I stammered. He just raised an eyebrow slightly, still smiling faintly. "So...Blue? Have you eaten yet? Should I get Chan to make something for you?"

"Hmm, are you hungry? We just bought some meat. Or would you prefer shrimp congee?""An omelet would be enough..."

"An omelet? I'm just about to cook some rice. Then, I will come," Chen nodded slightly toEllis as if asking for permission before quietly leaving.

"Tea?" Ellis raised the teapot slightly, meeting my gaze.

I'm not a tea drinker by nature. In my life, the only two places I drink tea are at MK and aHainanese chicken rice restaurant. But something about the person in front of me made meunable to refuse, even though he wasn't forcing me in a loud or demanding way.

"Thank you," I said. He proceeded to pour tea from the empty teapot, sliding it across to me."Perhaps this will help clear your mind."

"Thank you... for letting me stay tonight."

"Stay as long as you need. You're Chen's friend, after all... and..." Ellis softened his tone,looking down at his teacup calmly. "I know what it's like to feel heartbroken and lost."

I responded silently, unsure what to say. He didn't seem inclined to continue theconversation. He simply sat cross-legged, occasionally lifting his cup for a sip.

He's something to Chen... but I couldn't say for sure what.

"Did Chen tell you?"

"Chan only said a friend needed a temporary place to stay. The rest is just my owndeduction."

I hadn't realized my distress was so apparent, so clearly visible, until that moment. I gave asheepish smile, raising a hand to slowly caress my face.

"Love problems, huh?"

"Yes... I guess you could call it that," I mumbled, unsure of the word, but it was the closestthing.

Closer than just "liking" someone.

"Have you ever been hurt by love?" After dwelling on Ellis's previous statement, I blurted thatout.

"Hmm," he seemed surprised before regaining his composure. Ellis offered a small smile."Love is absurd. When you fall in love, you rush towards it without fear of getting hurt. Andthen it makes you cry, leaves you disappointed, heartbroken, weary... until one day you feelso afraid of it that you want to retreat or leave. The funny thing is, ultimately, you can't livewithout it. Love makes you pathetic, but it also makes you alive."

I listened. Ellis held my gaze, but it felt like he was lost in his own thoughts. He blinkedslowly and set his teacup down.

"Have I been hurt by love? ...It nearly killed me."

"Then what do people do? What should I do when it hurts this much?"

"Do something you won't regret later... whether it's regretting not doing it, or regrettinghaving done it," Ellis said gently and calmly. The smell of the savory omelet didn't distractme; I felt captivated, completely focused on his words. "Because pain and sorrow fade, butregret stays with you forever."

"..."

"Sadness isn't scary. Regret is... regretting not trying harder, regretting not talking enough,regretting not loving more when you had the chance, regretting having waited. It's thoseregrets that stop us from moving forward."

My heart pounded heavily in my chest. Hearing that felt like a constricting cage, tighteningaround me, forcing me to think, to make a decision without a moment to spare.

I still didn't know what to do, which direction to go.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Hmm?"

"Between 'regretting not trying harder' and 'regretting having waited'... which regret causesmore heartache?"

Ellis was silent for a moment. He looked away from the teacup in his hand, watching the faintsteam rise and dissipate before shifting slightly. "The answer is different for everyone, butfor me... it's regretting having waited... because I tried my hardest during that time. I tried sohard I couldn't try any harder."

"..."

"And it took almost three years for my heart to change that initial answer." We both remainedsilent until Chen returned. Tall and slightly bewildered, he didn't ask anything. Ellis broke thesilence, smiling softly at me.

"I hope you won't need that long to find your answer."

"Shall we eat? I've finished."

"Let's eat." I nodded, glancing at Ellis one last time. He offered a small smile and a slight nodbefore standing.

"I'm going to review my lines. Stay with Chen." Ellis briefly touched Chen's chest as hepassed, lingering for a second before letting go and disappearing upstairs.

"Yes," Chen mumbled, before turning to me once we were alone. "So?"

"So... what?"

"Ellis. Here. Did either of them make you uncomfortable?"

"Not at all. He's quite quiet, but... not uncomfortable at all." That was my honestassessment. Ellis seemed like a cold, aloof person, with his haughty expression andcomposed demeanor like some old-money aristocrat. But his tone of voice and mannerismsmade him instantly kind the moment he spoke.

Chen led me to the dining area. Looking at the size of the place and the building's location, Ididn't want to even imagine how much this penthouse cost. Just like I didn't want to imaginethe cost of our building, Anwar's building.

"Want me to sit with you?" Chen asked.

"Go ahead." I nodded towards the empty chair opposite him. He sat down, and I started toeat the omelet rice in front of me, even though I wasn't hungry or particularly wanted to eat.Nothing tasted good; everything felt bland. But a stomachache in this emotional state wouldbe far worse than enduring this tasteless meal.

"You don't have much of an appetite?" Chen propped his chin on his hand. He'd beenwatching me, alternating his gaze between me and my plate for several minutes withoutmaking me feel uncomfortable. "No need to force yourself. As the cook, I wouldn't feel bad ifyou didn't finish it."

"Hmm," I mumbled, having only eaten half. At first, I thought I'd force myself to finish, butsince Chen said that, there was no reason to continue. He reached out, took my plate, andput it in the sink before returning to his seat.

"Want to talk?"

"Hmm, I don't know what to say."

"Anything you feel like talking about. Sometimes, just venting helps."

"Do you know Anwar well? Are you close?" I asked. Even though I'd already concluded thatChen and Anwar were merely acquaintances leaning towards friends, not particularly close."I wouldn't say I know him well, but I know him somewhat."

"I... really like Anwar. I don't know why I like him so much. I just realized I felt this way.Actually, I shouldn't like anyone here. The fact that I'm only here for a few months beforehaving to leave is a pretty good reason."

"Trying to find a reason why someone likes Anwar is like trying to find a reason why we feelcold in winter," Chen smiled faintly. "Besides, you can't control your feelings."

"That's why I'm sitting here like a crazy person, isn't it?"

Chen raised an eyebrow. He lowered his gaze to something on the table. "Forget it. We allgo crazy because of love. Love makes us like this. It's one of its duties." He paused for amoment, as if thinking, before glancing up at me again. "You said Anwar went back toJamie?"

"Sort of."

"Said he was going back to be with Jamie?"

"No. He said... he just said to wait." I shook my head. The memory of the recent events wasstuck behind my eyelids; I didn't even have to try to remember, but everything was hazy,fragmented, requiring time to piece together. "Said to wait, that he'd come back, and then heleft."

"Does he know you're not waiting there anymore?"

"I don't know." I shook my head. "I couldn't keep waiting there. I couldn't stop thinking, I feltlike I was going crazy. I can't wait without purpose."

"Has Anwar contacted you since?"

I pursed my lips, unsure whether to include his last message. "He sent a message."

Chen raised an eyebrow, nodding slightly without comment. Something in his expressionmade me muster the courage to ask, "What do you think, Chen?"

"Me?" Chen asked softly, pausing for a moment. "I don't know that much, but from what Ihear... I don't think Anwar actually went back to Jamie."

"..."

"I don't know if I can say this, but I've never seen Anwar tell anyone to wait. It's quite strangeto hear. You said he left, but Anwar said he'd come back, and told you to wait. I don'tknow..." Chen sighed softly, tapping his fingers lightly. "And if Anwar came back to talk toyou now, would you talk to him?"

"My head's all fuzzy. I don't know what to talk about right now." I blinked slowly. The dullache remained, though the tears had stopped, my eyelids still felt hot. Meanwhile, I keptreplaying that moment over and over in my head.

'Blue, this is really important. Please...'

'I'll be back soon. Wait for me...'

'I like you the most. You heard that, right?'

I sat silently, as did Chen, who didn't say another word. Eventually, Chen moved first.

"I don't know if I can say this, but I was there the day Anwar broke up with Jamie. Can Ieven use the word 'broke up'?" Chen furrowed his brows before quickly smoothing them out."What I overheard... it seems impossible that Anwar would go back to Jamie like that.
Maybe it was an emergency, or something. But if you're talking about going back to howthings were... well, I could be wrong, but from my perspective, it seems really impossible."I pursed my lips, didn't nod, didn't answer, didn't ask anything back, except to keep thatsentence in my head.

Chen stood up after he finished speaking. He gestured towards the kitchen counter. "Blue,should you go upstairs and rest? I'll take care of the dishes."

"I can do it myself."

"It's okay. I have to wash the rest anyway. Go to bed, Blue."

"Should I tell Anwar I'm here?"

"I won't tell Anwar. If you don't want anyone to know, I won't tell anyone." He smiled andpicked up the empty glasses on the table. "You're staying with Ellis, not my place. Just thinkof it as you're talking to him directly, without me knowing."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Do you know the way back to your room?"

"Yes, it's just over there." I nodded towards my room. I waited until Chen changed thesubject, then went to wash the dishes. Only then did I go into my bedroom. I hesitated at thedoorway before finally summoning the courage to grab my phone and check the time.

Since Anwar's last message, he hadn't contacted me again.

"Maybe it was an emergency, or something..."

I took a deep breath.

I found myself hoping for an incoming call or another message from him. Even though I saidI didn't want to talk right now, the emptiness...

I wanted to cry again.

Damn... I'm so weak. So stupid.

Stop thinking. Stop thinking about him.

It's okay if he's gone off with someone else. It's okay.

Don't cry... don't cry.

I collapsed onto the soft bed, raised my hand to cover my face, and squeezed my eyes shut.
A warm, wet sensation touched my palm, mirroring the agonizing tightness in my chest.
"I told you not to cry..."






..







..








Anwar's pov:



'Where are you? I want to stop. This pain, this selling myself... it's torturous, I really want tostop. So, can we meet one last time?'

'Heh heh. I hope you'll make it on time.'

My memories are fragmented. My hands were ice-cold, as was everything in my body, mythoughts frozen. I don't know how fast I was driving, but the words "on time" were like anorder, forcing me to forget everything and focus only on that. I don't even remember who Icalled or what I said. I don't remember how many times I tried calling Jamie, just to hear theringing before it went to voicemail.

I hoped it was a lie, something he said only because of the alcohol before he went to sleep...or anything but self-harm. I repeated the words "please" countless times during the drive.The flashing blue and red emergency lights only heightened my anxiety, and I prayed thiswas the last ambulance I'd ever see on this earth.

It was like a deep-seated fear being ripped from my subconscious and thrust into realitywhen I got out of the car and saw Olivier huddled on the steps in front of the building, herface streaked with tears. She rushed towards me.

"Where's Jamie?"

"He's gone. To Valley. Chanel's there too. I just got here. Are you coming?" She wiped awayher tears, sobbing violently before coughing.

My heart ached. I nodded slightly, stepping back towards the car.

"Get in the car."

The car ride was deathly quiet. We didn't speak, only Olivier's choked sobs and lowmurmurs punctuated the journey to the hospital.

I didn't dare ask what she knew, what Jamie had done, or how he was.

The closer we got, the heavier my body felt. Chanel stood arms crossed in the hallway, hereyes red-rimmed. When she turned and met my gaze, her eyes narrowed before sheunleashed a powerful punch to my chest. She shoved me backward, yanking at my shirt,then grabbing and shaking me violently.

"What did you do? What did you do to him?!"

"I..." The words caught in my throat. It was a suffocating feeling, consuming everything. Ithought back to the last thing I said to Jamie:

'No! Don't go!'

'You're incoherent. If you want to talk, we'll talk later when you're sober. Now sleep.'

'It's not that I'm incoherent, Anwar. It's you who didn't want to talk from the start.'

'You know that's not true.'

'Are you that serious about someone else? About him?'

I was serious.

"What are you saying?"

"Chanel, calm down," Olivier intervened. Chanel pulled away, roughly wiping her tears.

"Do you know? He wouldn't do this. He wouldn't be like this. He wouldn't take those drugs,wouldn't raise that glass, wouldn't be here... unless you said something to him."

"..."

"Chanel, come here, that's enough," Olivier looked at me one last time before takingChanel's arm and pulling her to a chair some distance away. Chanel continued to mutter andcry, and Olivier started to cry harder.

I pressed my lips together.

Everything felt empty. The beating earlier didn't even hurt; only a crushing weight presseddown on me, leaving me utterly exhausted.

I took a deep breath. It felt like something was lodged in my chest. I looked towards theemergency room door, then down at my clasped hands.

I'd never wished Jamie wrong. Never doubted his words, his thoughts, his desires.This was the first time I truly wished his words weren't true.

You have to stay. Regardless of your selfishness, or whatever it was.

This can't be our last meeting.

You're wrong.

Please...

Jasper arrived a while later, rushing towards me with an anxious and irritated expression. Ibraced myself for a punch or a harsh scolding, but when he reached me, Jasper simply ran ahand roughly over his face, glancing at Olivier and Chanel before fixing his intense gaze onme.

"How is he?"

"They'll let us see him soon, but he's still... unstable."

"And you?"

"I don't know," I replied flatly. I hadn't expected anyone to ask that, so I hadn't prepared ananswer.

I didn't know what to say. No words could describe how I felt.

"Olivier said you were the last one with Jamie."

I nodded slightly, just as Olivier approached us.

"Jasper."

"Olivier, how did he get into the room?" Jasper asked Olivier calmly.

"I called him."

"Why?"

"Jamie was drinking and vomiting constantly. He'd been a mess for a week, barely touchingfood, no matter what we tried. He kept saying it would be good to talk. And Chanel'sgrandfather had just passed away. So we planned to go back, clear things up at home, takecare of everything, and we thought it would be good if they could talk... you know, Jamie'sbeen listening to Anwar all along."

"Go be with Chanel," Jasper cut her off, gesturing towards Chanel, who had only stoppedcrying five minutes ago.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled when we were alone.

"Don't apologize," Jasper retorted quickly. "I didn't come here just for Jamie. I came here foryou, too. I don't know what you talked about or what happened in that room, but you knowwhat? It's not your fault."

"How would you know?"

"It's not your fault. It's never been your fault, not from the start, not for not loving Jamie."

"Maybe, but I made it worse," I sneered, turning my face away and closing my eyes. Thosewords made me feel even worse. Jasper gently touched my arm a couple of times.

"You're one of my closest friends. I know you didn't mean for this to happen."

"..."

"None of us meant for this to happen." Those words helped lighten the burden slightly. Inodded, humming in agreement.

"Forget it."

No excuses. No recounting the whole story.

I nodded, keeping everything to myself as I glanced up at the ceiling.

It wasn't intentional, but I couldn't deny it had happened, and I was part of the reason.Whether it was Belle, Jamie, or Blue.

Even if it wasn't intentional, everyone was hurting because of me.

Jasper's arrival was like a switch, releasing me from a small box filled with exhaustingpressure. I took a deep breath, lowered my gaze, and looked at the still phone in my hand. Iwas so exhausted, my brain could barely think, yet it wouldn't stop thinking.

I wanted to call, I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted a hug.

I wanted to do everything until all this exhaustion went away.

But was it selfish to want comfort from someone I had just hurt?

I want to ask for so much, even though I just made him cry.

I'm such a mess.

Wait for me. I'll be right back.

When I reached Jamie, I was the last to arrive. My feet felt heavy, I couldn't move, and Icould only stop far away, with Jasper standing beside me.

His face was pale as paper, his eyes were swollen and red, his lips cracked.

He seemed out of it, even when he offered a weak smile as Chanel rushed to hug him. Hiseyelids fluttered faintly, slowly, until his gaze drifted past Chanel and stopped on me. Justthat one glance brought tears rolling down his cheeks. Jamie was crying weakly, as if hissoul was leaving his body.

I stared at him without blinking, feeling Jasper's hand squeezing my shoulder.

Other sounds faded from my awareness. Everything was muffled, feeling like I was sinkinginto deep water.

I continued to stare at him, even after he turned away. I stared until Chanel and Oliviermoved to block us from each other. I stood frozen, as if I had forgotten how to move.Olivier stepped away from the hospital bed and came towards me, her face looking just asbad.

"Can you come back later? Chanel thinks you should stay until Jamie wakes up, but I think itwould be better if you came back tomorrow morning."

"Go home and rest. I'll stay with him," Jasper nodded in agreement.

"Is he okay?"

"No, but he'll be better."

Jasper ruffled his hair and started to move. "Don't worry. If he wakes up, I'll be the one totalk to him."

"Then..." I slowly backed away. "See you in the morning."

"See you in the morning."

The white door and the silence from within.

What would he be doing?

Would he still be crying? Or would he be asleep already?

I didn't know.

I lightly tried the doorknob. Seeing it was locked, I took the spare key I got from Jordan andunlocked it. Pushing it open, I saw the darkness of the main living area. Something tuggedat my chest. I switched on the lights. There was no sign of Blue on the sofa or in the kitchen.Rome's bedroom door was slightly ajar; it was pitch black inside, as usual. Chen's door wasclosed.

I walked softly, stopping in front of the door, hesitating between opening it directly orknocking first. In the end, I just opened it and let the light from the main room flood inside.What I saw stopped the turmoil that had been churning in my head for hours, replacing itwith emptiness, a stark white.

I chuckled softly in my throat. It was strained and sounded strange.

Blue wasn't here. There wasn't even a trace of him in the room.

I went back and slumped onto the large sofa. My phone was empty; no reply, not even aread receipt.

For hours, I'd been stuck in something, like being sucked into mud, unable to move, unableto think of anything else. It was a feeling that made it hard to breathe, a feeling of stress,exhaustion—a feeling that made me wish time would speed up so I could escape it.

But returning to this emptiness...

It felt different. It felt like I'd lost something more than just energy.

I called Blue, only to hear his phone was switched off. I hung up, took a moment to composemyself, then called the apartment owner instead.

Where could he have gone in the middle of the night? The image of him walking alonemade me even more uneasy.

"What?" Chen answered gruffly.

"Hello, Chen. Sorry to call so late. Has Blue contacted you?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Something came up. Blue isn't at the apartment, and I'm worried."

"Oh, he said he was going to stay somewhere else."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Just that he had a place to stay and that he fell asleep. Try calling him in themorning."

"Okay. Thanks." I waited for Chen to acknowledge before hanging up.

A few more hours until morning.

I raised both hands to my face, then held them there, until all I could see was the blur ofknives in my palms. I let out a soft breath, a small sound against the expanding emptiness.I spent several dozen minutes sitting silently, absorbing the truth that I was utterly alone inthis place.

'Anwar, don't go.'

'Wait for me.'

Everything that had been constricting me all day came crashing back, squeezing me until myhead and chest ached. A numb, searing pain gripped my fingertips, a burning heatspreading across my skin.

"Ha...ha..." I chuckled, not even bothering to try to stem the tears blurring my vision.Wait for me.

Never in my life had I ever waited for someone, only to have them not wait for me in return.This is what that feels like.

After leaving the hospital, I went home, showered, and tried to rest my eyes. Jordan wasn'thome. No one was. I was so exhausted I wanted to just shut down, but once my head hitthe pillow, I couldn't sleep at all. My thoughts kept circling back to Jamie, to the expressionson his face, to his tears, and to Blue's as well. I replayed every word, every conversation,including the ones I'd had with Belle.

I'd never received the words, "You're not wrong for not loving her" from Cora. Not even fromJasper during the time I broke up with Jamie. Back then, he hadn't said something like that;instead, it was, "I told you so. Look how heartbroken he is now." Hearing this now, it left meutterly speechless.

Trying to simply close my eyes while my mind raced incessantly didn't allow my body anyreal rest. I drifted off for about half an hour before my phone alarm blared at seven o'clock,yanking me back to consciousness.

I quickly changed clothes and drove back to New Jersey. Jasper was the only one awake,slumped in a wooden chair next to the bed, while Jamie lay still on the white sheets, theblanket pulled up to his chest.

Jamie met my gaze the moment the sliding door opened. His perfectly sculpted face waspale; his lips were slightly pursed as he watched me until I stood beside Jasper withoutsaying a word. I looked down at Jasper and gently shook his shoulder until he startledawake.

"Oh, you're here already?"

"Just now. Did you get any sleep?"

"He slept all night," Jamie murmured quietly. "He should go home and sleep like he said."

"And leave you alone? Nah. Thanks for the advice," Jasper retorted immediately. He movedwith a sluggish, lazy grace before standing. "Good you're here. I'm going to get something toeat, and then I'll probably go home if I get too sleepy. Chanel should arrive around nine."

"Okay,"

"Then I'm off."

Jasper looked at Jamie again. He leaned over the chair, messing up his soft hair roughly.Jamie's muttered curse was swallowed by Jasper's laughter.

"Keep an eye on him. I'll come back this evening."

"Just go already. Wasting your time here is tempting fate with Thelma, you know," Jamiesaid, pushing Jasper's hand away and crossing his arms tightly.

"Even if I didn't take it from you, I wouldn't blame you," Jasper laughed, nodding at me. Hegrabbed his shoulder bag and left the room. Once his laughter faded, only silence remained.Jamie shifted slightly. "You look terrible."

"Hmm." I replied quietly. He pursed his lips, frowned, then sighed deeply.

"I don't like being treated like I'm sick."

"Are you well?" I asked softly.

"Physically, yes."

"And otherwise?" This time Jamie was silent. I pulled out a chair and sat down, studyingevery detail of his pale face. "Why did you do that?"

"Another interviewee. Excellent," Jamie chuckled dryly, letting silence flood in like a tide. Ididn't rush him to answer what he didn't want to, but before we could change the subject,Jamie softly spoke,

"It would sound incredibly stupid if I said I don't remember much. It's disjointed, like a jigsawpuzzle that's been smashed and the pieces randomly reassembled. You can't tell what itlooked like before." Jamie went still. He blinked rapidly before tilting his head up, staring atthe ceiling. "I've never wanted to die."

The first tear fell, followed by a second and a third, until it became full-blown sobbing. Jamieclutched the sheet tightly, his knuckles white, while his other hand, bandaged in white, wipedaway the tears haphazardly as he shook his head.

"It hurt so much I wanted to feel something, anything else. I wanted to feel pain somewhereelse, and then it turned into wanting to feel nothing at all. It's easier, really, to just turn awayand pick up something else. Why did I do that? I don't know how to explain it. At the time, Ijust wanted it to stop. To stop feeling."

Jamie's words, his expression, tears, voice—everything suffocated me. He sobbeduncontrollably, his hands clenching the sheet until it trembled. I almost reached for hisslender hand; I would have in the past, without hesitation. But now, all I wanted to do was sitthere, talk to him, without touching.

There was an invisible barrier preventing me from doing that.

I shouldn't, even if for a split second I considered it out of habit.

I clenched my own fists instead. Jamie glanced up before closing his eyes and letting out achoked laugh. A twisted smile stretched across his beautiful lips.

"You know, it hit me completely unexpectedly. Your demeanor, your attitude... it changed ina way I wasn't prepared for. When you spoke to me that night, I thought that would be theworst pain. At most, just that pain. But waking up in the morning and realizing I couldn't textor call you like I did the day before... that was worse than the pain of crying uncontrollablywhile still holding your hand." Jamie raised his hand to wipe away his tears. "And just when Ithought that was the worst pain, I became numb to it when I found out you slept with others.But it hurt even more to know someone had replaced me. It hurt so much I wanted to knowthe absolute worst pain, the ultimate limit, but at the same time, everything I was feelingmade me not want to know anything else. I don't want to feel it anymore."

"I'm sorry."

Jamie shook his head, looking deep into my eyes. "Sorry for what? For causing me tobecome this pathetic thing?"

"Don't talk like that."

"Describe me in one word. If you can't, what else would you do instead?"

I hesitated. The emptiness in my head prevented me from thinking of a single word. Finally,I breathed out and asked, "What do you want me to do, Jamie? What do you want?"

"You ask, but you don't intend to do it," Jamie offered a small, wry smile, licking his lips andwiping away fresh tears before turning away. "You know, I value my pride more thananything. I sacrificed it countless times for you. Now your question is making me considerabandoning everything I have. If I answer..."

"..."

"It's a conflict I can't reconcile. I know so many things, yet simultaneously choose not toacknowledge anything. Because of the love, the loss that came unexpectedly, because I stillwant to do many things together... that's why it hurts so much. What do I want? You knowwhat I want. I want... it's awful, but I can't erase what I've experienced when I look into youreyes. Can you bring back the look in your eyes, the feelings, your expression, yourtone—the way you were when you liked me most? If not, you shouldn't ask what I want,because it's frustrating, heartbreaking. Your silence and rejection..."

Jamie fell silent, looking down at his lap, lost in thought for a long time. Finally, he shook hishead slightly, biting his lip so hard I feared it would break. The tears that had stoppedmomentarily flowed again without pause.

Jamie began weeping again heavily in the silence that formed between us.

I felt like I'd forgotten how to speak. My mind was a blank; I couldn't formulate coherentwords. Everything I thought of sounded nonsensical, things I shouldn't even say. Jamie'saccusation of silence was making me feel increasingly inadequate, but saying anythingmight make things even worse.

Jamie dug his fingers into the sheets, pressing down so hard his knuckles turned white. Hisgrip was so tight, I reached out and gently pried his fingers loose, letting him clench my handinstead.

He didn't look at me as I did that; only his grip tightened, as if searching for an anchor.

My mind raced through everything hanging in the balance: Blue's tear-stained face, his mostbeautiful smile, our conflicting schedules, and Jamie sitting right in front of me.

I had no idea how to fix things, nor if what I was thinking was truly what I wanted.

"I need to go to Northern Ireland next week," I leaned in, my forehead almost touching hishand, listening to his sobs above me. I considered my thoughts once more beforecontinuing, "Will you come with me?"

Jamie squeezed my hand tighter, making it hurt, before releasing it. His crying subsided tosoft sobs, a faint chuckle escaping his throat. When he looked up, I saw a skepticalexpression on his face.

"What brought on this sudden generosity, Anwar? Don't tell me you're trying to use this tripto rekindle things. I know you better than that," Jamie pursed his lips. He wasn't evenbothering to wipe the tears from his face anymore, letting them stream down, reddening hiseyes. "Are you going to try to make me stop liking you there?"

"I can't control your feelings. I'm not that awful," I pulled my hand back when he released it,placing it gently on my lap. "You know everything, whether I say it or not. I tried back then.Even if I once thought it was love, if it wasn't, I can't force it. You know I can't go back to howthings were. I don't know what to do to fix everything for you because nothing I do will beenough."

"..."

"But now I'm truly falling for someone else. I can't control my feelings the way you can. If yougo to Northern Ireland with me this time, it will be the last time I give you my time, whetheryou accept it or not. The goodwill I have for you will never change, but I want you to knowthat after I return, there will be no one else. No matter what happens with Blue and me, hewill be the most important person to me."

Jamie's eyes widened before he squeezed them shut and took a deep breath. He wasshaking with sobs. Seeing him in so much pain made me feel it, too.

But if I knew how to make everyone hurt less, I would have done it without hesitation.

"You're so cruel, Anwar, so cruel," Jamie whispered repeatedly. He leaned forward, hisforehead resting on his knees, his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

He was right. He knew me as well as I knew him.

His answer hung in the air. I saw it clearly without needing him to say it, even amidst all hiscrying and accusations.

The sliding doors opened, and I turned to see Chanel and Olivier standing in the doorway.They both looked at me with similar expressions; one with a softer look, the other with cleardisapproval.

I couldn't speak. Carrying the weight of two people's feelings was already too much to bear,let alone someone else's.

"I'll come back another time. You're better off with your friends now," I stood up from thechair. Jamie still didn't look up. I walked toward the door, each step heavy, as if weights weretied to my ankles.

Even now, I question my decision, but I see that this path, however difficult, is better than theothers.

It's too late to back down now.

I stopped in front of them. Chanel looked past me at Jamie, who was sobbing uncontrollablyon the bed. Her gaze was hard, even as I spoke those final words before walking past themout of the room.

It wasn't a request for permission, anyway.

"I'm taking him to Northern Ireland... I wanted you both to know."