36.

I think this is Blue's POV

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

I'm so lucky today's a holiday. I'd look terrible if I had to drag myself to classes for hours likethis. My head aches, feels heavy, like someone's tied a weight to it, and my eyes are so sorethat even blinking is irritating.

I woke up a little after nine, showered, brushed my teeth, and walked out of my room. Thesmell of bacon and eggs hit me immediately. Chen looked up from the pan, grinned widely,and beckoned me closer. He was wearing a black short-sleeved t-shirt, dark pants, and ablack apron.

"Just in time. I just finished," he said. Once I sat down, Chen used a spatula to arrangeeggs, vegetables, bacon, and toast on a plate before handing it to me.

"Did you sleep in?"

"Not really. Someone slept in longer. Milk or orange juice?" Chen glanced at the wall clock."Milk," I mumbled, watching Chen turn to pour water and milk, serving them right in front ofme. "Thanks."

"Go ahead. No need to wait to eat together."

I nodded and started eating. I'm much calmer than last night. At least I can think straightnow.

"Anwar called last night," Chen said after I'd eaten for a while.

"Hmm... really?" I replied, surprise mixed with a twinge in my heart. "What did he say?""He asked if you'd contacted me. I told him you had a place to sleep and that you wereasleep."

"Hmm."

"Has he contacted you at all?"

"No idea. My phone died; I just charged it before coming out here." Chen's words answereda question that had been bothering me since last night. Would Anwar call or text again? If hecalled Chen, it meant he couldn't reach me, right? Our conversation stopped there becauseEllis walked into the room. He was still in his pyjamas -a long-sleeved shirt and silkydark-green trousers. His blond hair was a little messy, but it didn't make him look bad at all.It felt strange seeing a Hollywood star like this. Normally, I only see him on movie screensand posters.

"Good morning," Ellis greeted softly, still seeming sleepy. He sat down in the chair oppositeme while Chen got up to bring him a plate. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you for letting me stay here."

"Make yourself at home," Ellis gave a small smile, nodding slightly at Chen and silentlythanking him as he was served. After that, Ellis didn't say anything else. He picked up hisiPad and started reading something, sipping coffee and occasionally grabbing a bite of toast.Chen told me to get up from the table if I wanted to do something else or go out.

That's when I went back to the bedroom, grabbed my fully charged phone, and checked it.There were three messages from Anwar-a surprisingly large number compared to usual.He's not one to send repeated messages if I don't reply. In fact, Anwar rarely texts unless it'simportant. He's not the type to chat casually or randomly text asking what I'm doing or if I'veeaten.

Blue, where are you?

Are you awake? Please reply. I want to talk.

Please.

I pursed my lips, tracing my fingertips down before stopping at two missed calls. The firstwas last night, and the second was less than an hour ago.

He said, "I want to talk..."

I didn't know what Anwar would say this time, or if I even wanted to talk. Last night, I mighthave refused to speak or listen to anything. But after sleeping, I realized we had to talkeventually. Running away wouldn't solve anything; it would only prolong the problem. I didn'twant to go back to Thailand with unresolved feelings, with something hanging over my head,lingering as Ellis had said.

My heart pounded for a few minutes before I decided to send a short message back: "I'mawake."

Anwar read it almost instantly. His name appeared on my screen, and my phone vibrated inmy hand.

"Hello," I answered.

There was a brief silence; I heard him exhale softly before he spoke. "Blue, where are you?""At a...friend's place," I frowned slightly, knowing it wasn't entirely truthful, but I didn't need toreport every detail to Anwar.

"Just woke up?"

"Hmm."

"Can we meet?"

I glanced down at my suitcase on the table. I knew we had to talk, but being asked directlylike that cleared my head.

As Chain said, even if Anwar had rushed off to Jamie, he was the one who told me to waitand tried to contact me that same night, until now. There must be something really importantgoing on, but I don't know how I feel or what to think after hearing his explanation.

But I couldn't not listen...

"Okay, I'll be there." (Blue, istg)

"Should I pick you up?"

"No, I'll go myself," I refused. With no one speaking, the line fell silent for several seconds. Itook a deep breath and threw a question back, "Where do you want to meet?"

..

..

I was back here again. The clean white building with a Mercedes parked in front. Theheavier my steps became, the more my thoughts scattered. The house was very quiet. It'susually quiet because there are only a few people here, and large gatherings are rare.Part of me wanted to run, to turn back, to bury myself in the thick, softly scented blanket inEllis' room. But another part of me knew I couldn't, shouldn't do that, so I forced myself toclimb the stairs to the second floor.

The room wasn't brightly lit, but enough light from the slightly opened curtains and a smallceiling lamp illuminated everything clearly. I looked at the other person in the room: a tallfigure sitting still, arms crossed on the sofa. I couldn't see his face until I got closer.

His handsome face looked weary, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, as if he didn't even realizehe was frowning. He looked so exhausted, I wondered if he'd even slept. Anwar looked up atme, as if snapping out of a trance. He made a move to stand, but I raised my hand to stophim and sat down on the sofa instead.

"You didn't sleep in Chen's room," he began in a flat tone. It wasn't an interrogation or aquestioning; it sounded like a casual remark, almost as if he wasn't sure if he even wantedan answer. But I replied,

"Hmm."

"Why not?"

"Because..." I hesitated. Every answer died on my lips. I didn't even know what to say. "Ijust couldn't. I couldn't sleep."

"..."

"You told me to wait, but I didn't know what I was waiting for, or how long I had to wait," Iadded, my emotions from last night welling up in my throat, choking me. I met his sombergaze.

"I'm sorry."

"Hmm," I accepted his apology easily, feeling no better. My eyes still hurt, my head stillached behind my temples and eyesockets, and my heart still beat heavily.

Nothing had changed.

"Going to Jamie at first without telling you, going back to him again without sayinganything... the short timeframe isn't a good excuse. Maybe I just did a lot of things wrong."I sat silently, watching Anwar slowly shake his head and raise a hand to rub his face. Histhumb and forefinger massaged his eyelids. His expression hadn't softened; he still lookedtroubled and weary.

"You didn't sleep?"I changed the subject.

He hesitated at the question. Looking into his eyes, I already knew the answer.

"No."

"Why didn't you sleep?"

"I just couldn't sleep. Too much to think about," his answer mirrored mine, except I hadmanaged a few hours' sleep. I was fairly sure my overall condition was better than Anwar'sright now, ignoring the swollen eyes from crying.

"Such as...?"

"You, us, Jamie, all the problems crashing down," Anwar took a deep breath. He kept hiseyes closed tightly before opening them and meeting my gaze.

There were so many things to think about. I didn't know how I felt about being one of thosethings on his mind, a thing that bothered someone like Anwar."Our problems are making you worry too?"

"Definitely... more than anything else." Anwar offered a small smile.

"More than anything else, yet you left," I smiled faintly, trying to keep my voice from cracking."I asked you to stay with me, but you left without saying anything. Do you see the answer towhy I couldn't stay here, couldn't sleep?"

"I didn't know if it was the right thing to say, if it was something you should or even wanted tohear at that moment. Initially, I foolishly thought everything would be over in fifteen minutes;it was just a quick check-in and then I'd be back with you all night until now. But I never knewthe problem was so big, so deep, and could hurt someone so much."

"What happened, Anwar? You let me cry for hours. I deserve to know what my tears andheartbreak were for," I said, finally unable to contain myself. I didn't know how much mypressing question was stressing Anwar.

The other person hesitated slightly at the question. Looking into his eyes, I already knew theanswer.

He licked his lips nervously. His already serious face became even more strained. His handtrembled slightly before he quickly grasped it with his other hand, forcing it to remain still.The atmosphere around him felt heavy with the emotion.

My heart sank, almost stopping. I couldn't predict what would come out of his mouth.Fear.

Fear that it would be a goodbye, or something I wasn't prepared to hear.

"He hurt himself... he tried to kill himself." The words sent my heart plummeting to my feet.

My body froze, as if blood stopped flowing; my thoughts stilled. I was completely petrifiedwithin seconds. "His friend rushed him to the hospital. He was bleeding profusely and wasn'teven focusing on his surroundings, even when he was safe."

Anwar chuckled softly; it sounded bitter, like self-pity.

"I didn't know what to do. I really didn't know if I should tell you this and leave you with it, orkeep it to talk about later. Even after having time to think things over, I still couldn't answerthat question."

I blinked, then blinked again several times, trying to regain my composure. It was just a fewsentences, but it felt like a huge hammer hitting my temple, making me dizzy, haltingeverything.

"And how is he now?"

Anwar raised an eyebrow. His handsome face was blank, as if he was about to speak,hesitated, and ultimately just shook his head. "I don't know how to answer that."

"What does he want?"

"Love, I guess? If not, it's probably that I disappeared from his life, that we're apart." Anwargave a small, wry smile, lowering his eyes to look at his hands slowly separating from eachother.

"And if it's the first one, would you give it to him?" My throat felt tight, and my voice strainedas I spoke.

Anwar met my gaze. Beneath the weariness and frailty, I saw a spark of seriousness, ofunwavering conviction, and it was even clearer because of his calm expression.

"I can't," he replied briefly. But just that alone felt like it lifted a heavy weight from my chest.

"Why can't you?"

You once liked him the most. He was once the one who almost had what he was asking for."If there's ever going to be someone close to that... it's you, not Jamie. And he knows thattoo," Anwar said as if reading my mind. "But do you know that too?"

I pursed my lips. As the atmosphere grew heavier, I looked away, avoiding his intense gaze.He was waiting for an answer again.

"I don't know, Anwar. Should I believe what I know?"

"I want you to believe. You don't have to believe in me, because what I'm doing... I know it'stoo much to ask that from you. Just... believe in the feelings I have. It's not something Iwould lie about, pretend, or casually say without being sure."

"You said Jamie's friend called and asked you to go. If he hadn't called, what would you bedoing?" I didn't know where that question was leading. I just wanted an answer, and Iexpected something from it, even knowing it would never actually happen.

"I would have driven to see you, watched a movie together, and then cuddled you until now,"Anwar chuckled dryly. He knew, as did I, that it was just a fantasy. "But she called, and Iwent. I can't lie and say I wasn't worried about Jamie. Hearing those signals made mefrantic, almost insane. But it didn't stem from romantic feelings. It's something I can't quiteexplain. What happened a few hours ago is something I prayed wouldn't happen. It twistedand crushed me as much as seeing your tears."

"Are you going to see him today?"

"No. I went to the hospital, then I saw Jasper before coming to wait for you here." Jamie wasclose with Jasper; I had almost forgotten that.

I nodded lightly. The fact that Anwar had gone to see Jamie didn't sting more than it alreadydid. Perhaps because I hadn't expected anything to begin with. Upon learning about whathappened, what I felt wasn't resentment, anger, or sadness, but emptiness. It felt too heavy;I hadn't yet found a way to react to it.

I couldn't go back and undo my sadness, disappointment, and hurt feelings.

Knowing didn't change that.

I was still sad. My eyes were still swollen. I still felt hurt. And it was as Anwar said. Even Ididn't know if I could handle it if Anwar had told me this last night, especially when I wascrying uncontrollably like that.

I don't know anything...

"Can I come closer?"

I didn't answer, knowing what Anwar was referring to because he glanced at the emptyspace beside me. We held each other's gaze for a while, neither of us moving or speaking.Anwar remained silent, waiting for my answer. Only after I nodded slightly did his tall framerise from the sofa. He stepped closer, sinking down beside me, his warmth immediatelyapparent. He leaned in, and I didn't move away or stop him as his well-defined foreheadtouched my shoulder.

"Tired?" I murmured softly. He hummed in response, a low sound in his throat.

"Hmm."

"Me too."

"Yes, I know." Anwar shifted slightly, pressing a kiss to my neck through my black t-shirt.Before he could do anything else, he pulled me into a tight hug. His warm breath grazed myneck.

This embrace wasn't suffocating.

But it felt heavy, as if I were helping Anwar carry a burden.

"I'm sorry," his deep voice whispered faintly.

"I never wanted an apology, Anwar. I don't want you to apologize," I raised my hand to hughim back, slowly stroking his broad back. My head ached, a dull, agonizing pain. "I wantedan explanation, a justification, a heads-up... anything but a belated apology."

"..."

"Strong, cowardly, stupid, naive, stubborn, unreasonable, or wailing - I want to be the one todecide," I pulled back to look him in the face. Ellis' words echoed in my mind: Because painand sadness fade, but regret stays with you forever.

"Can you give me that?" I asked.

Anwar pursed his lips. He was silent for a long time before slowly nodding. "I'll tell youeverything. After this."

"There will be no more secrets."

"Yes, no more secrets."

I smiled, raising my hand to touch his soft hair and gently stroking it.

Only a few days left. Let's try our hardest, until we feel nothing is left unsaid.

Let's try our best.

To make letting go easy, without regret getting in the way.

"Thank you," I murmured, and this time I was the one to hug Anwar first, absorbing thewarmth and the touch that felt deeply embedded in my heart.

I will love you to the very end, until all the time runs out.

And when that day comes,

I hope I won't feel anything for you anymore.

..

..

"Come back here, to me."

He asked like that, on the soft bed, under the thick blankets, while I was half-asleep,half-awake after we'd spent almost the whole day out together. The game center, then toanother of Anwar's friend's house to play board games and eat pizza. It was all so ordinary,yet it drained all my energy. When I collapsed onto Anwar's bed, I felt disconnected fromeverything around me.

"Why?" I asked back, though I already had an answer in mind. Because time was runningout. Because this was the last chance to cuddle.

Anwar mumbled something I couldn't quite hear; my consciousness was fading. The nextthing I knew, Anwar was waking me up at 7 PM, suggesting I collect all my clothes and bringthem back here. Only then did I realize I had unconsciously agreed to him. He hadn't saidanything when he took me back to Ellis' condo. Chen wasn't there; only Ellis, who let me into collect my belongings.

Anwar was surprised, but didn't question anything.

I thanked Ellis so many times that he finally shook his head, refusing to accept it any longer.He said it was probably the most dramatic New York experience ever - heartbreak, tears,and then resting in the condo of a Hollywood celebrity.

With each step away from the luxury building, each step back into the black Mercedes, everykilometer closer to the white building...

I kept thinking about the words two weeks, seeing it coming to an end, seeing myselfwillingly stepping into it.

Two weeks before everything ends. How can I make the most of it?

Will it end the way I expect? Hugs, holding hands, a final smile?

But the best memories and the greatest sorrow of my youth...

Will it be as simple as I hope?

Sunday night...

We spent almost all our time together. Anwar had finished all his work. This was the first timeI saw him put his phone down, turn it off, and leave aside all the important things that mightinterrupt, just to get up, microwave popcorn, pour beer, and have a Star Wars marathon withme.

Jordan came home around 11 PM, while we were halfway through Episode III. He peeked atthe TV screen, raised an eyebrow, and then shuffled himself onto the empty sofa. "Mind if Iwatch?"

Anwar didn't answer. He looked at me, as if throwing the decision to me. I didn't have anyproblem with having someone join us, so I nodded slightly. Jordan didn't look as happy asJasper when I invited him to play games. He just grabbed a beer bottle, opened it with alighter, and slumped onto the sofa with a deadpan expression, making no sound. He onlymoved when he used a small bowl to ask for some popcorn from the bucket on my lap,mumbling "delicious" after eating some of the dim sum we'd ordered.

My eyelids started to feel heavy less than half an hour into the Han Solo part. I rested myheavy head on the sofa armrest. If this was a real marathon, I was the first to lose. Anwarand Jordan had drunk a lot, judging by the number of beer bottles on the floor around thecoffee table.

My face got hot when Anwar gently pulled me until I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Sleepy? Want to go to bed?" he whispered.

"You haven't finished watching."

"We're never going to finish if we want to watch it all you'll have to skip class tomorrow,"

Anwar chuckled softly, tossed the remote onto Jordan's lap, and used one hand to gentlymassage my neck. "Sleep or keep watching?"

"Sleep is better," I replied.

I got up and led the way back to the bedroom. This time, I was moved to the same room asAnwar because Jordan had reclaimed the upstairs room. I'd stayed here overnight manytimes, but it still felt new. Knowing I could come and go from this room as my own for theremaining time...

We brushed our teeth together, Anwar behind me, making the difference in our heights veryclear.

Back in bed, Anwar pulled me on top. Our bodies were pressed together almost everywhereas he held my hips to keep me from sliding down.

I don't think of myself as particularly fleshy, especially around my stomach, but pressedagainst his six-pack abs, I felt like something soft and liquid, like jelly or donut dough left ona rock. Maybe I should sign up for a fitness class in Thailand this time.

"I'm glad to have met you, you know."

I lifted my head from his strong chest, looking up at Anwar who was staring at the ceiling."Why are you glad?"

Anwar's gaze dropped to meet mine. His expression was calm and unreadable before asmall smile played on his lips, and he gently stroked my cheek with his index finger.

There was no answer to my question.

He rolled me onto my side, then snuggled close behind me, his warm arms wrapping aroundme. The sound of Anwar's heartbeat, which I'd heard earlier, was still vivid in my memory,just as I was absorbing everything in this moment.

His steady breathing, his hand lightly stroking my hip, then moving up to my bare stomachunder my shirt.

The touch was slow, not intended to arouse, but to soothe.

My buttocks, my back, my waist; the kisses lightly placed on my shoulder and neck lingeredbehind my drooping eyelids.

Two weeks.

I hope I don't get addicted to this touch before returning to Thailand.

Otherwise, it will be terribly painful... the day it's gone.

..

..

"I'm going to the hospital to visit Jamie."

On Tuesday morning, I parted from Anwar with that knowledge. No matter how hard I tried toshake it off, it clung to me throughout my classes, incredibly annoying. Simon's voice andthe other teacher's words didn't register. From morning to afternoon, the text on the pageflickered as if distant; I barely comprehended anything.

My wandering thoughts were interrupted stepping out of the building. Anwar was standingthere, a cold chocolate drink in his hand. He smiled at me and started a conversation assoon as we got into the car.

"How was class?"

"Same as usual," I nodded. "How about you? How was it?"

Today was Anwar's first visit to Jamie since the last time.

"He's about to be discharged, and he'll probably go back to his room." Anwar looked at theroad ahead, finished his chocolate drink, and put the cup in the cup holder. We both knewnothing was the same anymore.

"Okay."

"Do you want to talk about all this?" Anwar glanced at me. I smiled back.

"Hmm, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear about it too."

"Yes," Anwar seemed slightly relieved.

"Anwar," I hesitated over the question forming in my mind. It was something I'd beenwondering about, but didn't think was appropriate to ask.

"Yes?"

But I'm really curious, and I don't want to be worrying about it alone.

"Do you think Jamie will do that again?"

Anwar hesitated. He looked at me directly before quickly turning back to the road. Hisbeautiful eyes were fixed ahead.

"I can't say for sure, because I'm not him. But he doesn't want to go lower than thisanymore," Anwar frowned slightly. "He's talked to doctors and many others. I wasn't allowedto listen in, but from what I gathered, I don't think he'll do it again... he doesn't want to do itagain. It's difficult to say, for others or even for me, to easily summarize him, but from whathe did while he was out of his mind..."

I listened without offering any personal opinions.

"There's something I haven't told you..." The introduction made me glance at the speaker.Worries were clearly etched on his handsome face.

"Haven't told me what?"

"I... if I were to take Jamie to Northern Ireland, would you be uncomfortable?"

I froze, feeling everything in my body stop working except my heart, which ached with aconstricting pain. My mind was completely numb, even while trying to find my voice to ask.

"Why?" I tried to find a reason from the emptiness in my head. "What kind of trip?"

"It's the last thing I intend to give him. I don't know, to release both him and me from thisrelationship for good. I want you to know that it won't involve sharing a room or having sex.Not in that way."

"Then what way?"

"More like sitting and talking about various things."

"No sex?"

"Yes, no sex, not sharing a bed, not sharing a room," Anwar summarized. "If you want, I'llcall you every night."

"And after that?"

"We'll probably... go our separate ways. Just become acquaintances. That's what heneeds."

After listening to the story about Jamie, I didn't think about anything else. The only thingcircling in my head was the shrinking amount of time left.

A month ago, I might have asked the question I hadn't dared to ask: what will happenbetween us after that?

But I know the direction of this relationship now. I don't want to ask many more questions.Time is running out.

Am I satisfied with what's happening now?

I can't answer that.

Because I didn't have high expectations, I was surprised and smiled broadly without thinking."What's this?" I chuckled softly. Anwar put his arm around my shoulder and led me forwardinto a dark room filled with loud music and a throng of people.

"Our date." I raised an eyebrow at his answer, glancing around. The tuning of instrumentsmingled with the laughter and chatter of the crowd. "I couldn't find a good concert, so Ibrought you here instead."

"A bar?"

"To hear live music. I don't know if you'll like this genre, but the band isn't amateur. They'realmost professional." Anwar pointed to a thin, red-haired man setting up a drum kit. "That'sLewis, Jasper's friend."

Anwar chose my beer for me. When Lewis looked in our direction, he gave a wave. Wechose to stand towards the back, but not at the very back. It felt like a concert, just shiftedfrom a big venue like Madison Square Garden to a cramped bar where people could barelypass each other.

I never imagined I'd spend a Wednesday night drinking beer, standing shoulder-to-shoulder,and listening to live music at a bar. Since moving to New York, I'd never done anything likethis. When I drank, it was usually at someone's studio or house, or else a restaurant with abar, not a full-blown bar packed with people like this.

Initially, the darkness and the atmosphere made me think it would be rock music, but themellow guitar that started playing quickly changed my mind. The guitarist sat on a tall barstool while the singer stood at the front.

'She said, "Baby, I'm afraid to fall in love'

'Cause what if it's not reciprocated?"

'I told her, "Don't rush girl, don't you rush'

'Guess it's all a game of patience'

It was a song I knew and had on my phone, so I hummed along. Anwar glanced at me. Heheld back a smile, then hid it by raising his beer to his lips.

The lights in other parts of the bar dimmed, leaving only the lights around the small stage atthe front, along the walls and the bar. I met Anwar's gaze, silently listening to the soft vocals.'I told her, "Thinking is all wrong'

'Love will happen when it wants'

'I know it hurts sometimes, but don't let it go'

Someone bumped into me from the right, causing me to stumble, but Anwar quickly put hisarm around my waist, holding me close. A cold beer bottle lightly touched my cheek, makingme flinch. Anwar smiled wider when I looked up. His arm moved to rest on my shoulder andcollarbone, and with the slightest pressure, I leaned back into his chest.

I drank my beer much faster than usual. A pint disappeared quickly, leading to a brief feelingof lightheadedness. When Pink Sweat$'s "Honesty" ended, the singer chatted with theaudience for a few sentences, eliciting some chuckles before the guitar began a new song.

We remained standing like that until the end of the third song. Anwar spotted an empty tableat the back. He whispered in my ear before leading me to sit down, getting us more beers. Iwas already on my third pint, despite only being there for less than an hour. I understoodwhy he hadn't driven.

"You're trying to get me drunk. I have class tomorrow," I protested, but still reached out totake the beer he offered.

Anwar smiled faintly.

Both he and I knew that tomorrow was more than just a day I had classes. It was the dayAnwar was flying to Northern Ireland.

The blue light from the wall sconces illuminated his well-defined face. I gazed at his features,feeling slightly adrift.

His brown eyes, darkened by the lighting, long eyelashes, prominent nose bridge, highcheekbones that complemented everything about his face...

A sharp jawline.

His lips... the lips that taught me what a truly good kiss was for the first time in my life.'Because I can't make you stay if you want to go.'

'But I'll wait for you to say, Let's go home.'

I released my beer, raising my hand to touch his warm cheek. Anwar let me continue withouta word.

He even turned to make it easier for me to touch him.

'This might not be our time right now.'

'But know that what we have will last forever.'

I moved closer, so close I could feel his warm breath on my skin. I pressed my foreheadagainst his.

"Are you really leaving tomorrow?"

"Hmm, it'll only take a few days," Anwar replied softly. "I'll be back soon."'Time is my friend until the end of my life.'

'Nothing is unsolvable.'

"Okay."

"Okay..."

'Everyday I wonder if you ever miss my love.'

..

..

I wrapped my arms around him, my lips meeting his soft lips, which carried a faint scent ofcigarettes. My vision blurred, but even so, I could clearly see his expression.

His eyes conveyed a feeling of deep affection. The touch of his hands caressing my body.

His soft whispers in my ear, his pleas, his body pressed against mine on the bed.

Everything scattered - our clothes, our senses, our awareness.

"Mmm..." a soft moan escaped his lips.

We spent a long time talking and laughing, drinking more beer until my head spun, as if I'dfallen into a pocket of thin air. I initiated the next move.

I took a deep breath. A thrill surged through my body, making my toes curl and bringingtears to my eyes.

Anwar's face contorted, his brow furrowing before he pressed his forehead against my chest,his presence overwhelming me to the point I involuntarily tensed my stomach.

The darkness, the silence in the room... was this the first time we hadn't played music? Wejust listened to each other's breathing, the shifting of bodies, the rustling of clothes againstskin.

The sound of flesh against flesh and the sound of saliva felt raw, making my face burn.

"Hold me tighter," I whispered hoarsely, my head tossed back. When I opened my eyes, all Isaw was a tangle of brown hair, the ceiling, and the completely extinguished lights.

My mind was a blank. There were no thoughts, no images. Nothing about Anwar, Jamie,Northern Ireland, or even anything back in Thailand. I just held him, begging him to hold me,to pay attention only to me.

"Can you wait for me?" Anwar murmured, his lips nibbling lightly on my ear. He lowered hishead, burying his face in the crook of my neck, then kissing his way down my bare shoulder.I offered a small smile. "If I don't...?"

My body was turned over, lying on my stomach. Warm lips showered kisses across myback. The thick blanket was discarded in my hand; I crumpled it as fiercely as Anwar waspressing against my backside. My head remained empty, even when asking that question.

I hadn't expected an answer.

But the whispered "Please," that he murmured, sent a tremor through my heart.

I pressed both hands against the bed and pushed myself up until my back was pressedagainst Anwar. He quickly caught my hips as if he knew exactly when to do it. I turned backto kiss the person behind me.

The feeling was so intense that tears fell from my eyes.

"Anwar..." I whispered, pulling away and pressing my chest against the bed, which bouncedwith the rhythm of our movements.

It was sex that filled me completely, but at the same time, it felt like it was taking everythingaway.

I moaned, my body trembling uncontrollably, grasping for and clinging to his large frame,desperate to absorb every feeling, every sliver of memory my mind could possiblycomprehend. I don't know how long we spent trying to hold each other.

But however long it lasted, sooner or later, the time would end.

"Will you miss me when you're in Northern Ireland?" I asked into the silence after everythinghad calmed down.

Anwar raised an eyebrow slightly, without opening his eyes. He just offered a small smile atthe corner of his mouth and tightened his arms around me.

"I'll only miss you."

"Really?" I laughed softly, avoiding his handsome face, gently stroking his soft hair untilAnwar fell asleep. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table.

Time was running out.

The time before he flew to Northern Ireland.

All our time together.

And if he came back and didn't find me, would he still miss me?

I kept that question to myself because ultimately, the answer wasn't something I needed toknow that badly.

I lightly touched his hair, paused, and then used it to touch his warm face.

A final touch and a final look.

The man who had brought me such heavenly joy and such devastating sorrow that I almostlost my mind.

The man I both wanted to possess and wanted to let go of at the same time.

In the end, time had to run out anyway.

"Goodbye, my first real love."

..

..

Anwar's pov:

"I think this area will work, we can stay here." As soon as the cameraman said that, I quicklyresumed a normal posture. Two stylists strode over to help remove my blazer and largenecklace before I went back to the dressing area, removed my trousers and shoes, andchanged into my own black trousers.

It was the second day, but I only started shooting today. Not counting the time on the plane,I completely wasted the first day because of the overcast skies; there wasn't enough light toshoot anything.

I've lost a day, but luckily, the cameraman was as professional as Helena and I. Thephotoshoot progressed smoothly and quickly, with hardly any hiccups.

Jamie excused himself three hours into it. "I'm not deathly ill, I can manage things myself,"he said when I offered to send someone from the modeling agency to be with him. "But, I'mgoing to find a quiet place, somewhere without this annoying wind, and get a good cup ofcoffee," he added.

There were many limitations to choosing this kind of location. The atmosphere was normallyquite gloomy, and if the sky didn't clear, we could barely continue shooting. It's not that I wasfussy, unable to have my feet touch the earth or sand and only wanting to work in a studio,but with so little time left, if I could, I'd go back in time and reject this job from the start.I grabbed a cheese sandwich and took a bite, glancing at Helena in another corner of theroom. She looked up and met my gaze as the stylists adjusted her dress to fit her smallwaist. Jennifer was also there, and Matthew was looking at recently finished photos on alarge MacBook, casually chatting with the camera crew. Less than half an hour later, Jenniferclapped her hands, urging everyone to finish up and prepare for the next look.

The shoot progressed smoothly, with a few minor snags, each resolved in under fiveminutes. Outfits were steadily cleared from the rack until nearly all were used. Today wasjust 26 outfits from the collection for the website; tomorrow, we still had many scenes toshoot: short videos for the storefront display, a lookbook, and shots for fashion magazines.At 5 PM, the cameraman surrendered to the fading natural light. I changed back into my ownclothes. Leaving the dressing area, I found Jamie sitting cross-legged on the stylists' foldingchairs, scrolling on his phone. Even in a simple white, short-sleeved t-shirt with the sleevesrolled up twice, the shirttail covering half his backside and grey trousers, Jamie blendedseamlessly into the fashion crew, despite never having liked or been involved in this world -except perhaps for his pale gold Maison Margiela sunglasses.

"Finished?" he murmured, looking at me through his greyish-blue lenses.

"Finished. Want to grab something to eat, or head back to the room?"

"Want to go back to the room and shower," he raised both arms in the air. "I'm absolutelysticky."

"Okay, let's go back to the room then." I concluded, leading him back to a car, one ofMatthew's people driving us back.

"How was the shoot?" he asked as we headed to the hotel.

"You've never shown interest in photoshoots but keep asking about it endlessly," I teased.Jamie twitched the corner of his mouth into a small smile before turning his gaze out the carwindow.

"I was just looking for something to talk about. I've never liked this world, never wanted toknow anything about it, but I enjoy listening to you talk."

I already knew that.

A sense of stillness gradually floated into my mind, and I smiled, turning my gaze away fromthe handsome profile of the other person.

"It's nice. The wind is strong, making my hair messy almost all the time, and with the whitesuit, once it got hit by the black sand, I could only shoot a few frames. Luckily, that look didn'tneed any retakes."

"I like white the most-paper, canvas-but ironically, you dislike it the most."

"White fabric is difficult to work with," I remembered complaining about that in front of himbefore. It's hard for both a model and a designer who has to create it.

It's challenging to make white not look dull, too simple to the point of boredom, and hard tokeep it from getting stained or muddied until it becomes something else entirely.

"Because you like to control many things, you don't like when things slip out of control,"

Jamie's words made me turn to look at him. He still wore a small smile, contrasting with hisexpressionless eyes. "Have I slipped out of your control?"

A brief silence filled the space between us, creating a tense and uncomfortable atmosphere,so thick that it almost seemed cruel to the driver who had to pretend not to hear anything."I never intended to control you in the first place."

"That hurts even more," Jamie let out a soft laugh.

Our conversation stopped there until the car came to a halt in front of the hotel. Jamiepushed the car door open and stepped out first. He briskly walked to the elevator withouteven glancing back at me. Sensing his irritated mood, I simply followed quietly withoutsaying anything.

"I'm going to shower," he said casually before walking into his room and closing the door.My room was next to Jamie's. He didn't comment on us sleeping separately. No questions,no comments at all. He just replied with a curt "Okay" almost every time.

Was it different from what I expected? No. I didn't expect anything from the start.

Jamie wasn't trying to be happy on this trip, and I wasn't trying to make him happy either.That wasn't the purpose of bringing him here.

To make him stop liking me? I didn't think that was the most accurate answer either.

I went back to my room, quickly showered to wash off the sand clinging to my body, changedinto comfortable sweatpants and a black t-shirt, slumped onto the sofa, and made a call tosomeone else. The ringing lasted less than a minute before the other person answered.

"Hello?"

"Miss you," I said briefly before grabbing a bottle of water and taking a sip. I heard a softchuckle from the other end.

"Miss you too."

That was enough to make me smile.

We didn't talk at all on the day I flew in. Blue wasn't around when I woke up. Six hours onthe plane and another three hours of travel; we were busy scrambling to find a hotel andfixing a problem with the online booking system. That's why Jamie and I had to find a newhotel ourselves. Blue didn't answer my call the first night. He texted back after I fell asleep,saying he was reading with Gia.

On the second day, our first workday, Helena and I were dragged out of the hotel early in themorning, waiting for the sunlight while the crew set up. We waited until late afternoon beforewe were sure the weather was okay. I spent the rest of the day taking Jamie to a restaurant,and then we went for drinks at an old bar decorated almost entirely with wood.

I couldn't drink much because I had to work the next day. So that night was just casualconversation with Jamie, avoiding the "us" topic altogether.

The atmosphere that night was coated in honey. We had fun, laughed like old times. But inthe blink of an eye, the second the laughter stopped, Jamie's eyes returned to their usualstate: empty, unreadable.

The same went for mine.

We avoided eye contact until we went to our separate rooms. After that, I talked to Blue forthe first time since arriving.

He wouldn't tell me when exactly he was going back to Thailand, leaving me to guess.It felt like that day was drawing closer. Blue was busy studying for his final exams. Whenhe's coming back... I don't know, but I hope we still have a couple of weeks left after I returnto New York.

"How was your day?" I asked.

"I read all day until my head exploded," the sound of a book closing interrupted, followed bythe sound of someone collapsing onto a bed.

"Tough team?"

"I'm just slow. But after reviewing the vocabulary again, it's okay. How about you?"

"Got a lot of footage today. Made up for yesterday. Tomorrow shouldn't be too much more."

"Then you'll be back soon,"

"I'm so lonely sleeping alone. I want to cuddle with you like before." I unconsciously noddedat my own words; they sounded far too clingy for me.

"You're being so sweet," Blue chuckled softly. "Sleeping alone, really?"

The laughter gradually faded into silence.

"I slept alone. The first night, the second night, and tonight too," I confirmed softly."How's he doing?"

"Better. I think he's doing a lot of self-reflection." Jamie wasn't wallowing in sadness. He wasactive, going out to different places without me having to worry. This Jamie was more likethe Jamie I've always known.

I don't know what to do for the best, so I just spend as much time with him as he needs, asmuch as I can give. In a couple of days, this lingering relationship between us will becompletely over.

"Before you go back to Thailand, do you want to travel to other states?"

"Hmm... I don't know where to go," Blue's voice trailed off as he thought before answering."Are you going to take me sightseeing?"

Take him sightseeing?

Actually, I want to do so much more. I want to do everything for him before time runs out. Doso many things without any lingering doubts in my heart. I haven't thought this seriouslyabout anything before, not even during my dates with Jamie. So many things about mehave changed; I wonder just how much I've changed.

Time is a friend to those trying to come to terms with things, but it's a cruel enemy tosomeone like me.

Someone who needs answers, who needs to do so many things in the little time left."I want to take you many places, I want to be with you for many more days"...and so on.

"Anwar, I..." Blue's voice trailed off. I waited on the line for a moment, hearing only a sighand soft movements.

"Yes?"

"Nothing. Just wanted to say we should go to bed. I have to wake up early tomorrow tocontinue reading with Gia."

"Okay. Goodnight then," I unconsciously nodded.

"Work hard tomorrow."

"Study hard yourself," I replied, hearing his goodnight before the call ended.Two days... or maybe a week? If that's all the time I have left, how can I make the most of it?Everything needs to be rushed.

I opened my eyes, looking at the ceiling above before gently massaging my eyelids to relievethe fatigue. The bedroom door knocked three or four times. When I got up to open it, I foundJamie in his pyjamas. He held up a bottle of liquor, raising an eyebrow.

"Got it from the supermarket," he said, holding a green bottle of Jameson between hismiddle and index fingers. A bottle opener was between his index finger and thumb, alongwith a bag containing sliced limes precariously balanced on his pinky finger. "You didn't thinkI'd let you get away with that, did you? We came on this trip together, and you didn't touchany alcohol."

"Okay," I stepped aside to let his slender frame enter. Jamie wore a plain black t-shirt, thesleeves rolled up haphazardly to just below his elbows, and short shorts that were almostinvisible beneath the shirt. It was his usual sleepwear; I often saw him in this outfit when hestayed over.

"Still like it?" he murmured, placing the bottle on the coffee table and returning to get somehotel glasses.

"I'm still drinking it."

"Good. I thought you'd changed your tastes completely." Jamie gave a small, sly smile,lounging back with his legs crossed, and began pouring drinks. I watched the liquor pourover the ice in silence until I moved to sit on the other sofa and poured myself a glass ofJameson.

"But the time we have left..." Jamie raised his glass high, his face still wearing that sardonicsmile before he downed the entire drink in one gulp. "Did you ever guess how I'd decideabout...this?"

I met his gaze, not answering the question, but simply raising my glass to take a sip.

Tonight...will we talk tonight?

"Chanel calls me an idiot with a flawed decision-making system. But what would she know?"Jamie chuckled softly, his shoulders shaking with laughter before he leaned his head backagainst the sofa. "It feels damn good to make a decision for myself. To know things Ishouldn't, like cheating...it feels good."

"..."

"Chanel doesn't know anything. Olivier doesn't know anything. Jasper doesn't knowanything...you don't know shit either. Who could possibly know me better than myself?Even though I want you to understand me most of all." His beautiful eyes fluttered open,gazing at something above, as if he were lost in his own thoughts but still sharing them withme.

"What exactly do you want me to understand?" I asked.

"It's more than just understanding what. I want you to understand everything about me,"Jamie shook his head and laughed again, as if his own thoughts were incredibly ironic.

"What's so funny?"

"The thought that we almost loved each other... that you almost loved me... it's almostlaughable," Jamie nodded slightly, leaning forward to pour more whiskey. "Almost, almost... itwas all almost. I spent months trying to convince myself it wasn't your fault. No one was atfault. Feelings are uncontrollable. The frustrating thing is, I understand everything, but I hatethat word, 'uncontrollable,' because I couldn't control myself from stopping feeling for youeither. It led to so many questions. Why not me? Why is it uncontrollable? Why couldn't Istop feeling this way? Why are our feelings so contrary? I suppressed those thoughts until Imet your new boyfriend, and then even more questions arose, uninvited and unwanted. Whyhim? Why is he special? Why do you feel more for him than you did for me? Why am I stillhurting because of that arrogant man? It never ends."

I remained silent as he poured out his heart. If you asked me, I wouldn't have had an answereither.

Why Blue, instead of Jamie?

Why do I feel more for Blue...?

Because ultimately, feelings are something beyond our understanding and control.

Jamie kept sipping his whiskey. We sat in silence. I didn't try to defend myself or explainanything. Jamie already knew. He knew everything he just said.

I'm always like this when I comfort someone, especially Jamie. I usually sit quietly, drinkbeside them, and listen to them talk about themselves, venting until they feel better. He likesit when I don't offer opinions, and so do I.

But the atmosphere tonight is heavier than before. I've never had to comfort Jamie aboutsomething concerning himself. We've never argued to the point of a serious situation likethis.

"You know, tonight, I'm determined to let go. At least, I'll try," Jamie pressed the glass againsthis cheek. His sweet eyes, glazed over with alcohol, fixed on me without blinking. "It has toend tonight. Tomorrow, we'll be friends."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Jamie chuckled, his smile widening, almost a genuine laugh, but a melancholic glintin his eyes stopped it. "Nothing is okay, Anwar. Not since that night. Nothing has been okay,no matter how hard I try. You shouldn't have called me out of that room. You shouldn't havemade me follow you to that stupid kitchen. You shouldn't have said those things to me."He raised the back of his hand to his lips, hiding a twisted, tense smile before his facebecame impassive again.

"Your eyes make me want to cry, make me want to stop everything. But at the same time,they make me want to do something worse. How can a simple gaze hold so much power?"

"Jamie..."

"Listen to my thoughts, my feelings. They're making me lose myself," Jamie took a deepbreath, releasing it slowly. The tip of his nose was reddening, as were the areas under hiseyes and on his cheeks. "Even when I held onto you... you changing, and me realizing it...that was the worst... it shattered me. It broke me more when you left so quietly, so casually,than when you came into my room."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry. That's not what I want," Jamie shook his head, his hand trembling slightlyas he finally placed the glass on the table.

"Then what do you want?"

"Can you make the pain go away?" Jamie retorted instantly. He looked at me defiantly.Seeing my hesitation, he smiled again. "Make the pain go away. Make me numb. Can youdo that?"

"How?" I asked, feeling increasingly pathetic.

Jamie fell silent. He lowered his gaze to the whiskey bottle, then to my Jamesons, finally justpicking up his whiskey and sitting there drinking in silence.

picking up his whiskey and sitting there drinking in silence.

Time crawled by. I was lost in my thoughts, occasionally observing Jamie's demeanor andexpression. Jamie didn't look at me again after I asked him that.Click.The sound of glass against the wooden table. He looked deep into my eyes before softlyasking, "If you could grant one last request, would you?"

"One last request? What do you want?"

He offered a slight smile, shifting his legs until his feet touched my knees, then slowlymoving higher. The action sent everything into disarray, completely unexpected.

"If I asked for one last time, tonight, our last night-forgetting about love or not loving eachother. If it's just done out of longing, to help us let go, a last memory... would that be toomuch to ask?"

His toes moved higher, making my heart flutter. His foot, lightly, brushed against my thighsthrough my pants, stealing my breath. As his slender legs rose provocatively, his shirt rodeup, revealing his smooth legs.

"Your body's responding," Jamie remarked calmly, his expression suggesting he'd expectedthis.

That touch brought back memories of our sex; we were incredibly compatible in that regard.But enjoying sex didn't mean everything else would work out.

Blue's face swam back into my mind-his tears, his smile, his sleepy mumbling before hehung up, and my own words: I'm sleeping alone. The first night, the second night, andtonight too. It should be that way.

"I can't do this," I interrupted, gently pushing his foot away.

"Why?"

"I made a promise," I replied shortly. It was a complete sentence in itself; I had made thatpromise.

Jamie stared at me, his back straight, his sculpted face lifting slightly.

"Now I see what's changed," he sneered, pulling his foot back to a crossed-legged position.

"You, the one who enjoys sex the most, are rejecting me, the one who's best for you, the onewho brings you the most pleasure."

"You don't really want sex, do you?"

"How do you know? In the end, if it has to end, adding a few good memories and intensepleasure won't change much. It will still hurt just as much. Why not take what we can?"

"That's true, but do you really want to do it? Right now, we're talking about your truedesires," I said seriously, the atmosphere between us shifting. "Do you understand what I'masking, Jamie?"

"I understand, but do you understand me, Anwar?" Jamie retorted, his voice low andstrangely sweet, a sound he quickly covered by pressing his lips together.

A single tear rolled down his smooth cheek.

Then another.

It was a familiar scene, one I'd witnessed several times recently, yet seeing it repeatedlydidn't make it any easier.

"It's not sex I want. I want something I can't possess. Sex is insignificant, worthless incomparison. Do I love you? Yes, more than anything. At one point, I loved you more thananything, truly. Do I want you to be stuck with my pleas, with someone like me? No. I wantto possess you, but if you stay with this expression, this look in your eyes, this demeanor... Idon't want it either." Jamie bit his lower lip until it was crimson. He stood, his foot lightlybrushing against mine.

"It hurt my heart, it hurt my whole body when you turned away. But when you turned back, itwas the ultimate violation of my dignity. Do you understand me, Anwar?" he repeated, tearsstreaming down his face. He tried to stifle his sobs, taking slow breaths. His whole bodytrembled, so I reached out, taking his soft hand and squeezing it gently.

I tried to comfort him until he calmed down.

A tear fell onto my pants.

"Come here." The image I saw, the sound I heard, echoed in my heart, a soft tug that pulledJamie closer. He stumbled and fell onto my lap, before I gently stroked his back.

He cried hard, then reverted to the Jamie I once knew - the young boy who used to cry untilhis eyes swelled shut after receiving criticism on his work, only to transform into a completelydifferent person the next day. He became someone driven to win, spending countless hoursworking until he earned praise from the same professor.

"Which wound should I tend to first, when it hurts this deeply, this much?"

"I appreciate your feelings so much," I began, sensing his trembling body through his legagainst mine and the trembling in his hand I held. "But you love yourself the most, right...you've always loved yourself the most. The love you have for me is incomparable to thefeelings you have for yourself. You love and cherish yourself above all else, and that's what Ilove about you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Jamie nodded rapidly. He lowered his head, hiding his face, only the occasional sob and histightly gripping my hand betrayed his composure.

"I don't have an identity, I don't matter. You are the important one. The pain you feel from mewill eventually fade, just... try to allow yourself to truly heal. Can you do that?"

He nodded again.

He was drunk, and he was crying... we were back in this situation again. It was differentfrom the night he got drunk alone in his room. This Jamie listened to what I said, much likehe did in the past.

"Why can't it be us, Anwar... why can't it be us?" His slender body leaned against me beforehe rested his arms on my shoulders, in a kind of half-hug.

It was a question he knew had no answer, and it wasn't important.

"I love you, like a close friend, like a younger sibling. I love you as an amazing human beingon this earth. I love you in many ways, but it's not that kind of love. And just because it's not,it doesn't mean you're not good or that you've done anything wrong. You are the best, inyour own way, for being yourself. You're too amazing to beg for love from someone like me,from anyone who causes you pain. One day you might find someone who will adore andpraise you wholeheartedly, but that person isn't me. And whether that person exists or not, Iwant you to see your own worth first. That's the most important thing." I continued strokinghis back, then stopped and gently ran my fingers through his soft hair. "Because you... youare the best."

Jamie nodded lightly a few more times. He sobbed heavily, then coughed violently."It's not your fault, okay? You didn't do anything wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong either," he replied, his voice thick with emotion. He sat quietlyon my lap for several more minutes, his crying gradually subsiding.

"You already know all this. You don't need a fool like me to tell you, right?" Jamie chuckledsoftly at my words. He shook his head, wiped away tears with both hands, and took anotherdeep breath.

We held each other's gaze for a long time.

The weight of his body on my lap didn't feel heavy compared to the emotional burden Icarried at that moment.

"I'll live my life so well that you'll regret letting me go," he said firmly, his voice still hoarsefrom crying.

"You shouldn't dwelled in that feeling for the rest of your lives," I said softly, gently wipingaway another tear. "Make everyone envious, make me regret it the most. Live your best lifewithout thinking about me."

Jamie clenched his jaw so tightly his temples bulged. Tears welled up in his eyes again.Despite my attempt to maintain a stoic expression, I knew he was about to cry again.Jamie gently cupped my face in his hands, his fingertips lightly tracing the contours of mylips, chin, cheeks, ears, and neck.

He continued to caress me, saying nothing.

Then he pursed his lips and leaned closer, meeting my gaze as if checking my reaction.

Seeing my stillness, he moved closer still, without closing his eyes.

His soft, warm lips pressed down lightly, moving slowly before deepening the kiss as Iwrapped my arms around his slender waist.

The kiss intensified, becoming deeper, but it didn't last long before he pulled away, quicklyrising from my lap.

He was crying.

He kept wiping away his tears.

He seemed hesitant for a moment, but in a flash, that hesitation transformed into confidence.Arrogant, just like that day when he confidently took his project to his professor.

Even though he'd worked himself to the bone, his face haggard, dark circles under his eyes,and he'd cried many times from exhaustion and discouragement, but that same day, heactually received praise from his professor.

"You might see or sense that I'll cry for a week, a month, maybe even a year. It's just mybody choosing to react that way,"

Jamie said calmly. He took another step back, then looked up at me.

"But in my heart... I've let you go."

He finally did it himself.