Chapter 6: Wataru, Confusion! The One and Only Literary Critique Battle!

The day after the hard battle against Wolfman, the party slept in until the afternoon to rest up!

“All right, that should do it!” Wataru urged the others on, primed to set off on their journey! “Let’s go!”

“Okay!”

“Let’s.”

Aria and Résistance began packing up their things!

“Hey, Résistance!! How much farther to the Demon Lord’s castle!?”

“Let’s see... At least two more days of travel, I’d say.”

“All right!” Even though Wataru had defeated all of the Four Masters, it seemed there would still be a tough journey ahead before they would reach the Demon Lord’s castle! But that small fact did not daunt Wataru in the slightest! “Okie dokie!!! Let’s get back on track and head for the Demon Lord!!!” he proudly declared, thrusting his trusty right arm towards the heavens!

The trio began climbing the dune before them! They treaded carefully, so as to not trip and slide back down the hill! As the afternoon sun beat down on them, the party carried on! When they crested the hill, they were all astonished by the view!

“...What!?!?” What could have Wataru, Aria and Résistance been so shocked to see at this moment!?!? Take a moment to think of something shocking, and once you have a well-formed guess, go ahead and read the next sentence, Dear Readers!

“...Isn’t that the Demon Lord’s castle!?!?”

“It sure is,” confirmed Résistance.

“The Demon Lord’s castle!” repeated Aria.

It was the Demon Lord’s castle! Much to their amazement, the Demon Lord’s castle was standing before them, engulfed in a vile aura! Had their view not been obscured by the hill they’d just climbed, they would have known that the Demon Lord’s castle was right under their noses!!

“That’s closer than I thought,” Résistance muttered, unconcerned.

“What do you mean ‘than you thought,’ Résistance!? You weren’t even close!”

“Chill out, Wataru. It’s been a while since I’ve come here.”

“Why’s that, though?” Aria interjected. “Don’t the Four Masters get summoned to the castle all the time? ...Unless you were being bullied by the others!”

“Never!” Résistance rushed to answer! “To be honest, there’s nothing to do around here. Whenever he’d have birthday parties or shoot fireworks or something, we always gathered at a more convenient location. So it’s been awhile since I’ve actually come all the way here.”

“I’ve been meaning to say this, but it sounds like the Four Masters have some fun office gatherings,” Aria remarked.

“I bet you guys had great health care, too!!”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Let’s go.” Résistance stepped forward. “Not even I know what traps lie ahead. Wataru, Aria, you need to be very careful.”

The castle before them was very impressive in size, at least five stories tall! Steel double doors that appeared to be tightly sealed held the castle’s front gate. Naturally, infiltrating the castle would not be easy! Wataru imagined that the Demon Lord, the strongest being in this fantasy world, waited inside the fortress-like castle! He couldn’t contain his excitement!!!

“Aaaaghh!! I can’t wait!! Let’s go in!!!” Wataru began to jump-squat straight towards the castle gate!

Résistance grabbed him, using all her strength to hold him back! “Wait, Wataru! That’s suicide!”

“Why??? Is it the jump-squats!?!?!?”

“The Demon Lord’s castle is protected by a special magic barrier. The doors won’t budge for anyone without permission to enter the castle.”

“Oh, okay... Well, you’re the ex-Master, Résistance! Can you get in!?!?”

She shook her head! “I doubt it. Wolfman tried to kill me without question, too... As you’ve suspected, Wataru, the Demon Lord is trying to get rid of all of us, including me.”

Wataru’s party had already hit a roadblock! Infiltrating the Demon Lord’s castle, as expected, was not going to be an easy task!

Suddenly, Wataru found something standing beside the castle gate!!! “Hey!!!!! Look at that!!!!!”

The other two followed his outstretched finger to find a little kiosk with a large sign above it!

“What does the sign say!?!?” Wataru implored!

“‘Demon Lord’s Castle Gatekeeper...’” Aria read.

Résistance crossed her arms and looked dubious! “Strange. There was never a weird kiosk like that before...”

“They must have improved their security, knowing that Wataru would be coming.”

“All right, let’s check it out!”

“It’s a trap, Wataru. Don’t.” Résistance stopped him once again.

“She’s right, Wataru. Let’s look for another way in.”

Wataru completely ignored their pleas for rationality! “I’ll see what they have to say!!” Wataru resumed jump-squatting towards the kiosk! The other two reluctantly followed, each jump-squatting to the best of their abilities...!!

“Excuse me!!! Is anyone here!?!?!” Wataru called!

The kiosk attendant popped his head out! “Shut up! I’m not deaf, you know!”

The attendant had green skin, pointed ears and nose, and a short stature of four foot four! The angered attendant was a male goblin!

“Um, are you the gatekeeper of this castle?” Aria timidly asked!

“That’s right,” the goblin attendant admitted!

“All right, then let us in!” Wataru begged, with the expression of a Nio!

The attendant mercilessly shook his head! “No.”

“What!? Then what are we supposed to do!?!?” Wataru cried!

“My Demon Lord has told me all about you. Wataru, Aria, and Résistance, the ex-Master... If you want to get into the castle, you’ll have to go through me.”

“Bring it on! I’ll never turn down a fight!!” Wataru said, cracking his neck! His eyes burned bright with the fighting spirit of a challenger!

“Ooh, you have enthusiasm, I’ll give you that. But the rules of this game ain’t a simple fist fight!” The goblin attendant stepped out of the kiosk, and stood before Wataru’s party! He crossed his arms and declared: “I challenge you to a literary critique battle! We will each read a particular novel, and whoever writes the better review, wins!”

“????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????” Wataru’s confusion was audible! The sheer ridiculousness of this “battle” the goblin proposed nearly caused his mind to explode, and all Wataru could do was stand there and make that noise!

“Snap out of it, Wataru!” Aria shouted, violently shaking Wataru by his shoulders!!

“...Snp! That was close! My brain nearly suffered permanent damage... But a literary critique...!? I really didn’t expect something like this!”

“But how is the winner determined?” Aria asked!

“Don’t worry. We got a bona fide judge right here,” the goblin said, turning to Résistance!

“M-Me again...?”

Once again, the knight-in-armor with the long blue locks, Résistance, would serve as the judge in their contest!

“Who else but Résistance could pass fair judgment in a battle between human and monster!?”

“I guess you have a point...” Résistance reluctantly accepted!

“Now, allow me to introduce myself before we do battle. Name’s Booker! Booker the goblin! I read over a thousand novels a year! I eat, sleep, and read! Of course, critiquing a book ain’t nothing but a thing to me!” Booker proudly declared!

Wataru’s confidence seemed shaken in light of this introduction! “Erm. I read as many books as the next man, but I’ve never critiqued any of them... This is bad!!”

Wataru was at the edge of a proverbial cliff!

“The novel we’ll be reading is this.” Booker scuttled around the kiosk, and brought out a book!!

The cover prominently featured a drawing of a female orc in very revealing clothing!! With ginormous boobs!!

“What the hell is that!?”

“This is the high-fantasy novel that’s all the rage in the Wind Continent this year! It’s called It’s Me, a Shy Orc Loner with a Heart of Gold (Notice Me, Senpai!) Who Got Reborn In Another World, a.k.a. ‘Isekai,’ Where I Am Getting Into All Sorts of Troubles, Hijinks, and Shenanigans, Oh My! Or Me, Oh My! for short!”

“That title is so long! It’s stupid!!!!!” Wataru unleashed his wrath!!!!!

Aria stopped him! “I’m sorry, Wataru! That’s the trend in the Wind Continent right now!”

Alas, we are all slaves to trends! Wataru had no choice but to accept the challenge as-is!!

“There are four hours on the clock!” Booker declared! “We will each read the first chapter of this novel, and write a review of it!”

“Damn...! I gotta do what I gotta do! Aria, I can’t read the language of this world! Read the chapter out loud for me!”

“No problem! We’re almost at the Demon Lord! We can do this!”

The dramatic contest of literary criticism between Wataru and Booker began...!

The party (and Booker) had moved away from the Demon Lord’s castle to a stage that had been built specifically for this contest. Despite that grandiose description, it was no more than a simple platform of sun-bleached wood that stood open under the glittering sun of the wasteland. There only things on the stage were two desks, each one with a stack of paper and a quill. Nevertheless, the destinies of Wataru and his allies would be determined here. The party stepped up to the platform with intense expressions.

“...Let us begin. Are you ready?” Booker prompted. Wataru nodded. “We’ll have Résistance give the go-ahead.”

Résistance nodded. “On your marks... get set... Review!”

The moment Résistance said the final word, Aria and Booker both immediately opened their copy of the book. Booker rapidly began to flip the novel, turning page after page and reading just as quickly.

“We can’t fall far behind...! Let’s do this, Wataru!”

“Rvw!!!!!” Wataru shouted, crossing his log-thick arms.

Aria began reading It’s Me, a Shy Orc Loner with a Heart of Gold (Notice Me, Senpai!) Who Got Reborn In Another World, a.k.a. ‘Isekai,’ Where I Am Getting Into All Sorts of Troubles, Hijinks, and Shenanigans, Oh My! (Or Me, Oh My! for short) out loud:

“‘My name is Tatsuya Gi-orc-vanni Sat-orc. As you can probably tell from my name, I’m an orc. I’m average-looking, I guess, but I really can’t deal with people. I prefer just being all on my own. Oh my. In short, I’m a sensitive O-boy with a heart of gold that’s locked in a cramped cage. Oh my...’

“‘And so, just when I was working my bandit shift in the woods with my childhood friend, Yuko Mylene Kurat-orc, who is totally a girl and the only person I’ve ever opened my heart to, I got (who would’ve guessed?) run over by a runaway high-speed carriage. Oh, my. I’d really stepped in it this time. It looked like my life had come to an early c-orc-clusion. Hold your laughter, chums, because the stuff that happened after that is going to blow your mind.’”

“I don’t know where to start!!!!!!!!!!” Wataru had lost all hope!!!!! Just a few paragraphs in, and he had already given up!

“Don’t give up, Wataru! It’s not easy reading it out loud, either!”

“Every single sentence hurts!”

“You can’t give up yet! The summary says that Tatsuya the protagonist and Yuko, his love interest, are both transported to another world from the impact of that carriage!”

“That story is ridiculous!!!! How does it make any sense that they’re transported to another world just from being run over!?!?!?!?!?” Wataru exploded without a shred of self-awareness!!!!!

Even as Wataru anguished, Booker was steadily reading ahead! There was no time for Wataru to wallow in cringe!

“Dammit, I just gotta do it! Keep reading, Aria!!”

“Okay!” Aria continued reading the novel!

“‘After this and that, I woke up in a calm field in a strange world. Good grief. Give me a break. I thought being run over by that carriage would have killed me, but apparently I was transported to a world completely separate from my own. Good grief. What a bizarre turn of events. Whatever. No sense moping around this place. First things first, I had to find my childhood friend, Yuko. She was such a bothersome friend (she never was and never will be more than that). I recalled her outgoing and energetic yet somehow soothing face, and I let out a deep sigh. Good grief...’”

“Crrrrrrrraaaggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!” Wataru’s soul was breaking!!!!!

“A-Are you all right, Wataru!?”

“How can I be all right!? How many times does he have to repeat ‘good grief’!?”

“That’s just the way it is, Wataru! The ‘good-grief protagonist’ is the current trend in Wind Continent literature right now!” Aria explained in tears! Curse those almighty trends!

“Besides, he’s way too quick to accept that he’s in a different world! What is with this guy!? Stupid millennial!!” Wataru fumed, once again utterly failing to self-reflect at all!

“Wataru, you can’t think about it! Readers will get bored if every book spends a lot of time exploring that!”

“Dammit, you have a point!!!” Wataru conceded, setting his expression into the stony rage of a Nio statue! It was obvious that spending too much time on the inter-world transition would only slow down the tempo!

“We just have to keep reading! We can’t even challenge the Demon Lord if we don’t win this contest!”

“Grr...!” Wataru’s fists shook in helpless fury! Aria was right! All he could do now was focus all of his mental strength on continuing to read the novel!

“Rrrraaggghhh! I won’t stop you anymore! Aria, keeping reading that first chapter, no matter what!” It was do-or-die for our hot-blooded fighting teen, Wataru!

“I won’t let you down!” Aria agreed, and resumed reading the novel out loud...!!

An hour had passed!

“Wataru. That’s chapter one...” Aria declared, panting. “We did it...!” Beaten to her core, she turned to Wataru!

Wataru lay motionless on the ground, all of his life force drained out of him...!!!

“W-Wataru! Are you all right!?” Aria ran to him!

“N-No... The protagonist rescues a girl from some thugs in an alley, then the girl immediately falls for the guy and follows him around before he reluctantly lets her join the party... The same thing happened three times in one chapter...!!! The author has short-term memory loss!!!” Wataru was at his very limits! “That... has... to be... it...!!!” he squeezed out!

But if he were to fall now, all his agony would be for naught!

“Stay with me, Wataru! You’ll never make it to the Demon Lord if you give up now!” Aria desperately pleaded!

“Th-That’s right... I can’t give up...! I have to find some redeemable qualities about this book...!” Wataru stumbled to his feet and took up the quill!

“There you go, Wataru! That’s it! There’s still plenty of time on the clock!”

“Rrrrrraaaaaaaaagggghhhh!!! I’ll make my fists black with ink!!!” Wataru began writing his review with the last drops of his strength, his face twisted in wrath! Was there any other fighter in history who had risked his life to review a novel like this!?!? No, there was not!! Of course not!!!

“...Time’s up!” Résistance called, just as Wataru had finished scribbling out his review!

Four hours had passed since the commencement of the contest!! The sky had already darkened above them!!

“I... finished... it...!” Wataru said, beaten to his very bones!

Booker watched him with a smug grin! “Heh heh heh... This battle’s in the bag! I’ll start with my review!”

“Go ahead,” Résistance allowed.

Booker began reading the review he had written, his voice flat and steady!

“Here is my review for the first chapter of It’s Me, a Shy Orc Loner with a Heart of Gold (Notice Me, Senpai!) Who Got Reborn In Another World, a.k.a. ‘Isekai,’ Where I Am Getting Into All Sorts of Troubles, Hijinks, and Shenanigans, Oh My!, or Me, Oh My! for short! The biggest appeal of this piece is definitely the manliness of Tatsuya, our protagonist! He’s usually a shy orc, but once a girl’s in trouble, he becomes a totally different man! He’ll knock out any Isekai opposition with his overwhelming powers! All of the girls are so kawaii, too! Everyone is bound to find a character they’ll fall for! For me, it’s Hanako the slime, hands down! Thoroughly enjoy the fun, fast-paced adventure that is Me, Oh My!”

“...What was that revolting review!?!?!?!?!?” Wataru shouted in anger!!!

“Hold on, Wataru. While his delivery in reading it was uncomfortably disgusting, the content of that review is perfectly sound,” Résistance calmly explained! “It showcases the good points of the story that would appeal to a broad audience.”

“Heh heh heh... Looks like I’ve won, huh, Wataru?” Booker taunted!

“Grr! I’m not going to lose to that abomination! It’s time to read my review!”

“Go ahead.” Résistance nodded to Wataru.

With Résistance’s permission, Wataru passionately began reading his review!

Behold, Wataru’s penmanship!! “When I flipped through the book, it had that good paper smell, which made me smile. And the drawing on the cover was very good. The story was thinner than the paper it was written on, but the book itself is heavy enough to use as a weight, which makes it useful. 2/5 stars. Won’t read again.”

“Booker wins!” Résistance ruthlessly declared the victor!

Wataru was not happy with the decision! “Why!?!?!?!?!?”

“Wataru, there’s no use!” Not even Aria could defend Wataru! “You never stood a chance with that review!” How could this be!?

Booker guffawed, victorious!! “Gwa ha ha ha ha! Read ’em and weep, Wataru! I win!”

“Shut up!!!!!!!!!!”

Wataru immediately folded his review into a paper plane and threw it straight at Booker!

Whhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr!!!!!

The paper plane stabbed into Booker’s temple at a speed of 400 km/h!!!!!

“Graaagh!” Booker fell to the ground with an ugly cry, unconscious!

“All right! Now’s our chance! Let’s storm the Demon Lord’s castle!!”

“W-Wait! That was a dirty trick, Wataru!” Aria protested, pointing out Wataru’s behavior unbecoming of his hot-blooded fighter status!

“I know! But we need to save your parents from the Demon Lord, Aria! I can’t be picky about how!”

“Wataru...!” Aria was moved to tears! I can feel your tears, too, Dear Readers! Who among us can contain our tears at Wataru choosing to save human lives over his identity as an honorable, hot-blooded fighter! “Okay! Let’s go!” Aria ran after Wataru!

At that very moment, an ominous voice boomed out through the area! “...Hm hm hm... I’ve waited a long, long time for you, Wataru!”

“Who’s that!?!?!?” Wataru stopped in his tracks! He looked all around him, ready for anything!

“Th-That’s... Deus, the Demon Lord!” Résistance answered, shaken!

Aria was frozen in astonishment, too! “The D-Demon Lord...!?”

A cloud of green fog erupted before Wataru, and a purple-skinned figure elegantly emerged from within it!

“You’re... the Demon Lord!?!?” Wataru demanded, with the face of Enma, the ruler of the underworld!

Deus the Demon Lord, because that was indeed who this newcomer was, answered with a confident grin! “Correct. I am Deus, the Demon Lord. I had been waiting on my throne for your arrival, but I could no longer contain my excitement. I had to come and see for myself.” He flourished his pure-white cape! Everyone had forgotten that up until now the Demon Lord had been practically a joke in this book! This was a serious moment! “Wataru... It’s been long since I last battled a worthy foe...!”

“You’ve got your wish now, Demon Lord! Fight me, right here, right now!! When I win, release all the humans you have captured in the castle!!!”

“Hmph. If you win. Now, Résistance...”

Résistance jolted at suddenly being addressed by the Demon Lord! “Wh-What...?”

“According to my messenger, you have resigned as a Master and become... ‘neutral,’ if that’s what you want to call it. Is that right?” Deus demanded! His voice was as threatening as a knife to her throat! His solemnity and charisma were unparalleled!

“Y-Yes, that’s right...” Résistance admitted, her voice cracking as cold sweat trickled down her face.

Deus grinned! “Really... Well, you’re free to do anything you want now. I had intended to eliminate you, but I’ve lost my interest in a human like you.” He licked his lips, and stared condescendingly at Wataru! “...Now that I have such an appetizing human within arm’s reach.”

“F-Fine... I’ll do exactly that.” Résistance meekly backed off, understanding that her own strength was infinitesimal compared to that of the Demon Lord.

“Now, Wataru...” Deus proposed. “Why don’t we fight a little closer to my castle? You’ve come all this way.”

“Bring it on...!” Wataru countered confidently, undaunted by the Demon Lord’s oppressive aura!!

At last... the battle between Wataru and the Demon Lord was about to begin...!!

To be in continued in the next chapter, “Holy Crap! This Demon Lord is BAD!!!”