~Bonus Episode~: EX: What a Kind Goddess! …Or So I Thought, but She Was Actually Useless!

“YOUR WISH SHALL BE GRANTED!!!”

My fading consciousness awakens in the darkness to a loud voice.

“Huh?! What the—?!”

I try to collect myself, but I’m still a bit dazed. My nose and lips hurt where I smacked them on the company floor when I collapsed.

They really hurt. My front teeth are broken. I’m sure they are.

“…Huh? Wait a sec. I don’t actually feel any pain.”

I don’t feel anything at all; I also don’t have a body.

I try to put my hand on my banged-up face, but it’s not there. I’m a spirit floating in midair.

“What is this? What’s going on…?”

The pure-white floor below me expands as far as the eye can see, and a blue sky, so vast I feel I could fall into it, spreads out over the horizon.

It’s an incredibly beautiful sight, but shouldn’t this be the slightly dirty company floor where I dropped dead?

Where in the world am I?

“Routa Okami.”

“Yes?”

A voice suddenly calls out to me.

It must be the woman’s voice I heard before.

How can I put it? She has an “If you would like to make a deposit, please enter your four-digit PIN number” kind of voice.

I see. She’s a scammer.

“Am not.”

She refutes as if she just read my mind. At the same time, a ring of blinding light carves a hole in the sky, and someone appears from within. The figure slowly floats down as if possessed of wings. The ring of light shrinks, then hangs above the person’s head.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Routa Okami. I am sure this must be a shock to you, so please allow me to explain what happened.”

The smiling woman looks soft and warm. Her hair is soft, her clothes are soft, her expression is soft. She’s like an affectionate big sister. She exudes a nurturing aura.

“That is because I am a goddess. I am the mother of all life on earth.”

A soft, smiling goddess big sister.

Ugh. If I had a body, this would be when I’d rush forward and hug her, saying “Mama!”

“If that is what you desire, you are more than welcome. Would you like a nice big hug?”

“Oh, um, sorry. I’m not brave enough for that… Wait, goddess?!”

“Yes. Or rather, I am a single low-ranking god who has finally been assigned souls to take care of.”

“Ohhh… You’re different from what I had imagined.”

I had envisioned some wizened old fogy with a white beard and a scary face.

“Some of my superiors look like that. But they say that the most important thing is to show dignity, otherwise humans will start to disrespect you.”

Sorry, but that’s exactly how I feel right now. I never thought God would be a soft, mature woman with a full chest.

So the gods’ society is ruled by hierarchies, too. I can’t say if that’s efficient or messed up.

And I feel like she’s been reading my thoughts for a while now.

“Well, I am a goddess.”

Please stop reading my thoughts! That’s a breach of privacy!

“I am joking. It’s written all over your face. You are a very honest person, Routa.”

I don’t have a face. I’m just a floating soul here.

“Now that you seem to have calmed down, I shall explain the situation to you.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Seems like that was just a pep talk to get me to relax. But considering this space apart from reality, a woman who says she’s a god, and myself being a spirit-like thing…I have a pretty good idea of what happened.

“Routa Okami, you are dead.”

“Ahh, I knew it. I thought so…”

I knew that had happened, so it wasn’t as much of a shock as I thought it’d be.

So I did die back then.

I don’t have any regrets about dying.

I only have distant relatives, so I wonder what they’ll do about my funeral and savings.

I just wish someone would take the chance to dispose of my smartphone and computer as well as a few select items in my room.

Please sympathize with me. Boss, you’re my only hope. As the only person who ever talked to me, a nerd like you must surely empathize with someone like me who has no friends. Just go in there with a hammer and drill and destroy all my stuff before they take it away.

“Oh yes. It would be nice if someone would destroy those things before any embarrassing information was leaked.”

“Can you really read that from my face?”

You’re really reading my mind, aren’t you?!

“No, no, your face looked like it was pleading for someone to destroy some evidence.”

What does that even mean? I don’t even have a face.

“Oh yes, about that. As you have died, we would normally have you return to the cycle of death and rebirth, but right now, we are holding a special promotion.”

Promotion. That sounds very earthlike. Heaven is just like earth.

“Well, you see, in recent years, we have had a lot of people who have refused to return to the cycle of death and rebirth. Previously, everyone wanted to be reborn because they did not want to die, but now, so many people would rather vanish than live another hard life.”

Yeah, I know how they feel. I hate the idea of becoming a corporate slave again.

So there are loads more unhappy people in the world besides me? Does anyone have a strong enough desire to keep living?

I don’t care about that! My misfortune will decide for me!

I don’t want to work! I never want to work ever again!

“There are a lot of people who think like that.”

“You really are reading my mind, aren’t you?! Aren’t you?!”

“Oh, no, it shows on your face.”

I don’t have a face.

“So about our promotion. If you cannot bear the reality of this world, then perhaps you would like to try being reincarnated in a different world. We’ve only just begun this promotion, but there have been a lot of people taking this option.”

I get it. I understand that. I understand being influenced by pop culture at a young age all too well.

This is “being reborn in another world.”

“Thank goodness you caught on fast.”

“You’re reading my min—”

“—Your face.”

Let’s just get back on topic.

“Very well, Routa Okami. I heard your wish for rebirth when you died. You want to be a dog, correct?”

“Yes!”

“All right, then. Let me make some preparations…… Huh? A dog? Like a puppy?”

“Yes!”

A dog! A dog belonging to a rich family! The type of dog who’s soft and flabby and gets fed lots of fattening food!

“Wh-what a strange request… A lot of humans ask to be reborn as different creatures, but it seems that most of them are close relatives to humans.”

I’m guessing things like elves and vampires. I can understand why some people would want to be reborn as a fantastical being. They’re being reborn in another world. They probably want to be beautiful or get a bunch of cheater abilities to take with them.

“But I want to be a dog. A rich family’s dog.”

I mean, after all, getting reborn as a creature that looks like a human would still come with lots of work, right? And I don’t want to have to deal with human interactions, either. I’ve had enough of that struggle.

I want to spend my days lazing about, not thinking about anything, being spoiled by my owner, and not having my stomach hurt from anxiety over worrying about the next day.

If someone could grant me that, then I’d be happy to be reborn in any world.

“R-really? If that is your wish, then I shall grant it.”

Yes! Hell yes!

“Becoming a nonhuman species means your spirit shall also change shape, meaning I have to make a number of adjustments, but you will essentially still be you, with all your memories. You may feel some slight instability until I can place you in a physical body, but your memories and personality should return to you.”

“Okay. That sounds fine to me.”

I didn’t realize how lucky I’d be when I died of overwork. Nothing particularly good happened in my life, so I was never expecting this plot twist at the last second.

Thank you, goddess. Now I can be a happy dog.

“You wish to be reincarnated as a pet dog to rich owners. Is that correct?”

“Yes!”

That’s exactly what I want. Nothing more.

Oh, although it would be nice if my owner was a cute girl.

Being the pet of a filthy-rich, hairy, fat guy is a little…

I’m sure I’d live a lavish lifestyle, but I don’t imagine being the pet of some gangster would come with much coddling.

“Very well. Just relax and let yourself slip away.”

“Understood.”

I close my eyes as my chest swells with the desire to pass on to the next world. Not that I have any eyes.

“Everything is in constant flux. This being shall be liberated from his previous world and be reincarnated in the next. The goddess Aphrodite commands it.”

She spreads out her arms, and I am bathed in a dazzling light.

It’s finally time. I’m kissing my human world good-bye and getting reincarnated as a rich dog.

The pet life I’ve only ever dreamed of is finally here!

“But you know, I am a little worried about leaving it at that.”

“Huh?”

The goddess speaks up just as I’m about to be reincarnated.

“What is there to worry about?”

“Well, lots of other people wished for overpowered physical or magical abilities in preparation for the journeys ahead. You won’t have anything at all, though, and I don’t think that’s fair. You are so modest that I feel compelled to grant you a few small boons.”

“Huh? Um, goddess…?”

I don’t need any boons.

I’m just happy being the dog of a rich family.

“Let’s see. Regular dogs only live for about fifteen years. That is rather pitiful. Let’s increase your life span.”

Okay, that’s not so bad.

A few extra days to laze around should be more than enough.

“Let’s add an extra thousand years for now.”

“Huh?”

A thousand?! Why?! A goddess’s idea of standard is way too huge!

“Also, the next world is full of monsters, so it might be quite dangerous. Let’s have you be reincarnated into a powerful creature closely related to a dog.”

“Huh?”

Closely related to a dog?! I want to be reincarnated as an actual dog, though! Not something that just looks like a dog!!!

“Oh, this one looks good. It is a particularly powerful variation called a Fen Wolf. It’s the King of the Fen Wolves known as Fenrir. It’s a bit big, but since it does look a lot like a dog, it being huge is a trivial matter.”

“Huh?”

Goddess?! What are you summoning from that huge book of yours?! What is that catalog?! What’s written in there about the recommended reincarnations?! And it being huge is not a trivial matter!

“It comes with a lot of magical powers. Oh, wow. It’s the strongest ranking creature here. It’s so strong, you can destroy it seven times without killing it.”

“Huh?”

Why’s it so strong? Wait—that’s not the issue here!

“Yes, yes, you would have a difficult time when you get into a fight because you have lived in such a peaceful country. I shall install some half-self-activating offensive magic. One that will destroy a mountain in a single shot. I am sure that you will find some use for such powerful magic.”

“Huh?”

That sounds terrifying. That’s not what I want! I don’t need any of that!

“Oh, no, no need to thank me. It is my job to ensure that your reincarnation goes smoothly, after all.”

That’s not it! That’s not what I want! I’m happy being a simple pampered pooch!

Why do you have to add all these unnecessary features?!

“Well then, have a nice afterlife!”

“Just listen to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

Can you see my face telling you to stooooooooooooooopppppp?!

“Arwf?! (N-wha—?!)”

I snap awake.

That was a memory from before I was reincarnated. I was able to remember it clearly in my dream.

“Arww. (Ohhh…right. That’s it. I remember now.)”

It’s all that dumb goddess’s fault. It’s thanks to all these unnecessary features she gave me that I’m the King of the Fen Wolves.

It’s her fault my pet life is a colossal mess.

I never asked to be targeted by a knight, or to have a bunch of Fen Wolves make me do those reckless things, or to have a death battle with a dragon.

“Bark! Bark! (I won’t forget this, you useless goddess…! I’m gonna give you a piece of my mind the next time I die!)”

I swear to the blue sky above me.

“What’s wrong, Routa? Why are you howling at the sky?”

Lady Mary looks up from the book she’s reading and strokes my cheek.

“Arww. (It’s nothing. I’m just getting ready to complain to a goddess.)”

I rub my face against her cheek, and she squints her eyes as it tickles her.

We were having a break in the shade of the large tree in the garden, but I must have dozed off at some point.

She leans against my body and resumes her reading.

Once more, I’ve taken on the role of the sofa.

“Arwf. (I suppose I’m thankful that I ended up with my lady somehow.)”

I’m pretty sure I hit the owner jackpot.

There’s no doubt about it. She’s the best mistress ever.

“Arwoo! (But I still won’t forgive you for giving me this Fenrir body! I refuse to! I won’t forget this, you worthless goddess!!)”

As I bear this grudge against a goddess who refused to listen to me, I howl at the sky.

Meanwhile, in the heavenly plane.

A goddess managing the departed souls in the cycle of rebirth is taking a break from work.

“I wonder what Routa is doing right now? He was the one who made that odd request to be turned into a dog.”

I gave him a lot of unique features as a special service. I wonder if his life is going well?

The worried goddess decides to take a peek.

She spreads out her arms, and a hole appears in the white floor.

She sees a young girl and a dog snuggling under a large tree.

The dog is so huge and its face so ferocious, you can’t really call it a dog anymore, but that’s a trivial problem for the goddess.

The human and creature seem incredibly happy.

The dog looks up at her as if he notices he’s being watched from the heavens and lets out a wild howl.

The goddess looks at him and chuckles softly.

“Hee-hee, I’m happy you’re happy. I hope you enjoy your second life, Routa, or would that be your ‘dog life’?”

The dog’s howl sounded rather angry, but the goddess just took it as a howl of thanks.

The dog’s rage never reaches the goddess. In her mind, she doesn’t need to hear words of praise. She gets embarrassed easily, so she’s a bit shy.