EPISODE 2

LET’S ESCAPE THIS ENEMY-RIDDLED HIGH SCHOOL LIFE!

“Oh, welcome back from your trip to the bathroom, Ryouta, my dearest!”

When Ryouta got back to the classroom, Kiyomizu gave him a crisp salute.

“Stop, that’s embarrassing…”

Rumors that back in Japan, Ryouta Fuyukura had brainwashed a girl who looked like a little kid were starting to spread throughout one part of the class. They were totally baseless. But if the “brainwashing” was actually due to the curse, maybe it was true in a way?

“I was praying for your peace at my desk. You should now be completely safe for the day! As thanks, I would like a kiss—”

“If you want me to have peace, just do nothing. Please live each day as mundanely as possible.”

“By the way, Ryouta dearest. Have you forgotten about the promise?”

“What promise?”

He was getting a bad feeling. He had no recollection of ever making a promise to her.

“Remember when I was fighting with your self-proclaimed master? She said, and I quote, ‘You may do what you wish with him for a full day, for twenty-four hours. Give him a lifetime’s worth of wooing.’ Oh, and just before that, your self-proclaimed master also allowed me ‘the rights to **** [you] for a whole day.’”

Oh, right, that had happened.

Sasara had challenged Ryouta and Shiren to battle, even joining forces with Kiyomizu, all so she could keep Ouka to herself. Now Ryouta could think back on it and laugh, but he had been a mere inch away from death when it was actually happening. That could have been really bad.

Then, when the battle between Shiren and Kiyomizu reached an impasse, Shiren had made that promise without his permission.

“If possible, I would like to borrow you for a day so that we can do all sorts of wonderful things together, but I thought you might have forgotten. Which is why I asked.”

“Oh, no. I definitely remember.”

“Great! And now I have that on record.”

When did she start recording?

“Sorry, I need to check with my master, so just wait a sec.” Ryouta called Shiren over and then dragged her to a corner of the room. “Hey, what are we gonna do about that promise? You’re the one who made it, so do something about it!”

Shiren and Ryouta quietly worked out a plan.

“Hmm… I thought it would be like in a manga where she would conveniently lose her memory from the shock of the attack and the situation would neatly resolve itself.”

“She remembers every word and phrase. It’s like someone copied and pasted the promise right into her brain.”

“But what else was I supposed to do…? I had to, or we would’ve died…” Shiren groaned, cradling her head.

Ryouta knew she’d had no choice.

Shiren had had to put something on the table, even if it was just an empty promise; otherwise, she would have been in danger. But Ryouta was in danger this time.

They ruminated for another twenty-five seconds before Shiren clapped her hands together.

“Okay! I just had a great idea! Hop aboard—everything will be smooth sailing from here on out! I’m not going to point out that that’s probably what they said on the Titanic, though.”

“You just did!”

These comments were the opposite of reassuring.

Shiren turned to face Kiyomizu and waved her arms with confidence. Her pigtails, which were much too long, swayed back and forth.

“Jouryuuji, I did say that you can borrow Ryouta for a day to boil him or fry him or steam him or broil him or dry him or deep-fry him or strain him or freeze him or pickle him or whatever else your heart desires.”

“Are you a gourmet now?!”

Ryouta interjected from far away. Pretending like everything was going to go smoothly didn’t mean that everything was going to go well, so he was keeping a close eye on what was happening.

It was clear that Shiren was thinking only about eating again.

“Then hand him over, and be quick about it. If you do not, I will take civil action over your inability to pay your debt. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. What’s yours is mine.”

That last part didn’t have anything to do with civil proceedings.

“Well, no need to rush. At this rate, you’ll be operating on a loss. Your potential time of enjoyment will be cut in half.”

“Mm, I cannot ignore that. I would like to know more. Tell me more.”

“In the Rights to Ryouta system, the allotted time doubles every thirty days. So counting the day the rights were administered, if you postpone your claim for another twenty-nine days, then you can have him for two full days!”

“That’s the first I’m hearing of this!”

Obviously, since she’d just made it up on the spot.

“You can accomplish much more in two days than you can in one. Like taking a trip to the hot springs, for example.”

“Ooooh! How exciting!”

It was unclear if there were any hot springs in the Sacred Blood Empire territory, but Ryouta decided to ignore that.

I see. So this is how she plans to wait Kiyomizu out… Hang on. If you think about it, this is really bad for me…

For a second, Ryouta had believed he was out of the woods. But then he noticed a problem.

“Come here a sec. There’s a huge flaw in your plan.” Ryouta pulled Shiren back.

“What do you think? We overcame the problem of the day!”

“Yeah, we made it through today— So what happens when the twenty-nine days are up and she claims two full days’ rights over me?”

“………It’s only two days. Hang in there.”

“Thanks for nothing.”

It was abundantly clear that if he spent two days with Kiyomizu, it would devolve into the kind of situation one couldn’t talk about in mixed company.

“I-indeed, my minion would be sullied. We need to squeeze out a plan. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeeeeeze. Oh, but I hate slimy things, so I’ve never eaten anything that would require any sort of squeezing out.”

“I can’t really tell how serious you are, but please think of something. Seriously.”

“Apparently, if you stir natto three hundred times, the nutrients that make it delicious multiply and the flavor really pops. I don’t eat natto, though.”

“Then stop talking about it.”

But then Kiyomizu pulled Shiren over. “Come here for a moment.”

People were pulling her all over the place.

“Um, I would like to confirm that you said the days double with each month, right?” Kiyomizu’s eyes were glinting like a cat’s in the night.

“Oh yeah, I did. I don’t go back on my word.”

“Which means that, of course, after one month, I’ll have two full days.”

“Yes, of course. That’s easy multiplication.”

“Then after two months, it doubles into four days, correct?”

“Um, it would…yeah.”

“Then after three months, eight days; in four months, sixteen days; in five months, thirty-two days; six months, sixty-four days… I shall write the rest on the blackboard.”

Seven months, 128 days

Eight months, 256 days

Nine months, 512 days

Ten months, 1,024 days

Eleven months, 2,048 days

One year, 4,096 days

“This means that after a year, or in three hundred and sixty-five days, that would come to roughly eleven years’ worth of days. If I wait a year, I could be with my dearest Ryouta for eleven years!!!!!”

““Ahhhhhh!””

Oddly enough, Ryouta’s and Shiren’s reactions were in perfect sync.

“Oh, no, that would be if I used my right all at once. Once I’ve reached sixty days, I could use a month’s worth of days—those remaining thirty will double and refill the deficit. This means I can use my ‘rights to **** Ryouta for a whole day’ forever. Oh-ho-ho-ho… Oh dear, my nose is bleeding…”

Kiyomizu made triumphant pose after triumphant pose, like a high school baseball player who would be competing at Koshien. She was even hopping in place, so high you might think there was an invisible trampoline at her feet.

It would have been heartwarming if the circumstances hadn’t been what they were, but it was inevitable that it would have a tremendous impact on Ryouta’s life.

“Oh no… This is pretty serious…”

Shiren’s face was white as a sheet, but Kiyomizu was no longer paying her any attention.

“Well then, I’m off to the restroom. Oh, and if you fail to fulfill your promise, I fully intend to destroy you, so be ready. Excuse me.”

Kiyomizu was on cloud nine (she might have actually been floating) as she left the classroom.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay! What’re we gonna do?! My life’s gonna be over soon!”

“Hold on, wait, wait! Calm down! If we think about this backward, as long as we have six months, I’m sure time will solve it for us, right?”

“Time will just end up killing me anyway!”

“Don’t give up. There should be some kind of secret trick like a bases-loaded home run in order to turn this around. Give me thirty seconds!”

……… (Ten seconds passed.)

……… (Then another ten seconds.)

……… (And then another ten seconds.)

“I got nothing.”

“Which is what I expected!”

“The entire staff did everything they could, but it just wasn’t enough.”

“It doesn’t need a neat conclusion like that! We’re just screwed, aren’t we?! Or I am…”

He needed to start doing everything he could to think of a way to save himself. He had been in huge predicaments before, but this was on another level. All the strength left Ryouta’s knees, and he dropped to the floor.

“On your feet.”

Someone patted him on the shoulder. He looked up and saw Ouka.

“This is nothing. Solving a problem like this is well within my power as emperor.”

“Wh-what are you going to do?”

She always seemed to be scheming, but that was why Ouka probably had a good idea.

“Kill her.”

“Isn’t there a nonviolent solution?!”

“I’ve hired the perfect assassin. I’m not sure who’s stronger between the two of them, but I do want to pit them against each other at least once. For real.”

“It doesn’t have to be for real.”

He had a hunch that the world would be a more peaceful place if Ouka abdicated.

“But you have an assassin? I guess maybe it’s a given when you’re a ruler.”

“D-don’t get the wrong idea! It’s not like I hired one because I wanted to!”

“That’s not something to act all shy about!”

And from the context, that would mean she’d hired one because she wanted to.

“They just fell into my hands, so I picked them up. Assassins are surprisingly useful, aren’t they?”

“You can’t treat them like you just picked them up off the street!”

“It’s okay. My hands are clean!”

“You sure are gung ho about getting your assassin’s hands dirty, then!”

“Silence. I’ll cut in the night!”

“What happened to the object in your sentence?!”

After that exchange, Ouka patted Ryouta on the shoulder one more time.

“Well, it’ll work out. This’ll be smooth sailing.”

“I hope so…”

“I won’t point out that’s probably what they said on the battleship Yamato.”

“You and Shiren really are related.” They shared traits in the most insignificant ways.

Ouka’s gaze slid from Ryouta to Shiren.

Shiren’s expression was still troubled.

It struck Ryouta that their relationship was like that of a bride and her mother-in-law.

“And I’m wondering if you don’t lose your right to be a master if you can’t manage your own minion. Isn’t it still a little early for you to have a minion at all?”

“N-no, of course not. I know everything about Ryouta, from the top of his toes to the tip of his toenails.”

“That’s not a lot.”

Didn’t the phrase go, from the top of his head?

“Then I’m going to quiz you on how well you know Ryouta. Question one. What is his favorite flavor of Umaibo?”

It was pretty useless knowledge, but it was probably an essential question.

She would have to be pretty close to him in order to know something like this. And how she brought it up as a question meant…

“Ouka, I can’t believe you remember…”

The two of them had often hung out in elementary school.

When they were buying snacks, she’d once said to him:

“Ryouta, all you ever eat is the corn chowder flavor.”

That was when he realized that he only ever bought one kind.

But who cared? It was the best. He seemed to have an affinity for salty-sweet flavors. His other favorite snacks were Happy Turn and Yuki no Yado, two brands of rice crackers that had a pleasant balance between sweet and salty.

Man, I didn’t think she’d remember something like that, though…

One probably could chalk the answer up to Ouka having a remarkable memory, but for Ryouta, having his first crush remember such a minute detail about him was an honor.

Suddenly, their eyes met.

He was probably imagining the look in her eyes that said, Obviously I’d remember something like this.

Wait, don’t tell me that Ouka… Wait, wait, this is too convenient.

Right now, it was more important to see how Shiren would respond. She was his master, so he wanted her to be right.

“Hmm… Ummm, Umaibo, right? So that would make it…”

He had made chowder plenty of times, so the only problem was if she would think hard enough to figure it out. The most popular flavor was officially mentai, apparently. It’s not takoyaki, it’s not cheese, it’s corn chowder. Please get it right!

“All right, got it. I definitely know the answer.”

“And what will it be?”

“Marine beef!”

“…That was a product of the early eighties.”

Ryouta, of course, had never eaten or seen it. Why did the two of them even know about it anyway?

“Hmm, it would seem that your bond with your minion is nothing to write home about. Though I guess the contract between you two is only provisional anyway.”

“That’s not true! I know everything about him, from the top of his head to the tip of his nose!”

That was only half his face.

Even Ryouta could tell that Ouka was putting a lot of pressure on Shiren.

What Ouka wanted to say was this:

It’s time you let your minion go.

Even if she didn’t mean it too harshly, she was wondering if Shiren was even qualified to have Ryouta as a minion.

“Shiren, I think you should stop fussing so much over your minion and start studying. You’re failing Japanese, English, math, science, social studies, music, PE, and home economics.”

That was almost every class.

He knew she slept through school, but he didn’t know it was that bad.

“Studying isn’t the entirety of one’s education. A person is more than an adjusted standard deviation score. I think we need an educational system that puts more value into our humanity.”

“That’s not convincing at all…,” Ryouta had to interject.

“And you, too, Big Sis. You have official business to attend to; should you really be wasting time here?”

“I am not wasting time. I’m actually thinking about how I can import some top-quality bread loaves from overseas. Be quiet.”

“You can’t just casually mention that during an argument!”

He could easily imagine her letting slip national secrets during a diplomatic affair, so that was dangerous.

Since arriving in the Empire, Ryouta’s experiences had gradually turned him into the type of person who had a retort for everything.

Thankfully, the bell rang. It was time for second period.

“That’s enough, you two,” he said. “Give it a rest.”

“Okay, I’ll back off for now. Shiren, it’s time to be a good girl and get some sleep.”

“Yes, I think I’ll do just that.”

“Shiren, don’t you realize she’s making fun of you for sleeping in class so much…?”

*Tamaki had also been watching and waiting to join the conversation, but it ended before she got a chance.

It didn’t seem like Shiren and Ouka were getting along.

Even Ryouta could tell—when he paid attention.

Why did things end up this way? As Shiren’s minion as well as Ouka’s vassal in name, he could never get a moment’s rest. And to make matters worse, when he faced forward during class, he could barely concentrate because he was always looking at Kiyomizu.

He was relieved when lunchtime finally rolled around.

“All right, Ryouta, it’s lunchtime! Let’s head to the roof at once. We brought our lunches today!”

“No need to get so excited. You look even more like a little kid.”

Eating in the student cafeteria every day would have heavily impacted their finances, so Ryouta had been making lunch more often recently.

Today was one of those days; he had made two identical lunches and packed them in their respective boxes.

It was fairly typical, with a small fried omelet, bacon-wrapped potatoes, kinpira, boiled spinach, and (store-bought) tofu patties, but all things considered, this array of dishes was the most delicious.

“Mm, simple is best. It’s on another level of refinement from the cafeteria!”

Shiren dug into her food straightaway. Ryouta couldn’t see the point in wolfing it down.

The sky was clear, and the sunshine felt nice and warm. As long as he could eat his lunch in peace, he felt like he could restore some of his sanity.

But—

“Ryouta, my dearest, I brought you a special lunch handmade by yours truly! Please enjoy it!”

Kiyomizu approached holding a cute pink lunch box. Was everyone coming to disturb him…?

He already had his own lunch, but he couldn’t just return it to her without even looking at it.

He decided to take a peek inside.

It featured many side dishes like sausages, scrambled eggs, natto inside fried tofu, burdock salad—and all of it was topped with a strange purple liquid.

He threw the food in a nearby garbage bin.

“No! You threw it all away without even tasting it! Please! Have one bite! Just one bite is enough for it to take effect!”

“You’re making it way too obvious that you drugged the food!”

The purple stuff was definitely some sort of aphrodisiac.

“At least bring him something that isn’t drugged! If you don’t take making lunch seriously, then it’s out of the question! How inconsiderate can you be to the farmers?! Go home! Leave!”

Surprisingly, Shiren chased Kiyomizu away with logic.

“Now, Ryouta, we can finally eat al—”

“Oh, hello, you two. Lovely day we’re having.”

It was Alfoncina this time.

Alfoncina XIII was a (third-year) high school girl who just so happened to be the archbishop, the highest-ranking clergy of the Holy Church of the Sacred Blood, which was the national religion of the Sacred Blood Empire. Even though she was essentially the second most powerful person in the country, she was just an older girl whose level of influence wasn’t readily apparent.

“Oh, Archbishop. Honestly, I didn’t really want you to come by today…”

There was a look of annoyance on Shiren’s face.

“Oh my. It seems I have some lunch left over. I can’t let it go to waste, so I was wondering if you would take it off my hands.”

The archbishop’s lunch was mixed vegetable tempura, daikon boiled with yuzu peppers, simmered mushrooms, and fried tofu vegetable fritters called ganmodoki.

It wasn’t that unique, but it was still a lot of effort for a boxed lunch.

“You sure made something time-consuming, as always.”

“Home cooking comes from the heart, after all! Now please try some of the vegetable tempura first, you two. Oh, I haven’t added any aphrodisiacs or anything weird. A chef must not play around when it comes to real cooking.”

“The last time I visited, you put something in the juice—”

“Home cooking comes from the heart, after all! Now please try some of the vegetable tempura first, you two. Oh, I haven’t added any aphrodisiacs or anything weird. A chef must not play around when it comes to real cooking.”

“Whoa! She repeated herself perfectly, just like an NPC in a video game! Am I not supposed to point that out? I get it! I’d be fine if you said juice isn’t cooking or gave some other excuse!”

“I’m sure you’ll get into heaven, Ryouta.”

“That’s a cheap promise!”

If that was all it took to get into heaven, then he wouldn’t want to go; it didn’t sound like they had very high standards.

“I have to warn you, I’m very picky about flavor.”

He spent every day in the Fuyukura kitchen. Even though Alfoncina was older than he was, he had no intentions of giving her an insincere assessment.

Ryouta took a bite…

“………I—I lost.”

…and fell to his knees after a mere three seconds.

“Why do you look like you were burned to ash in the wrestling ring? Hey, you’re supposed to be like the underdog in an action manga. You’re overreacting.”

“Have a bite, Shiren… Then you’ll understand…”

“What should I try? I’m very picky about food, you know.”

Shiren took a bite, too. Tears immediately started pouring from her eyes.

“This…this isn’t…fair…! To think you could fry vegetables to such perfection… What is this sweetness?! Is this how sweet vegetables are supposed to taste?! The texture is so light and crispy, and the freshness is perfectly preserved even after being fried! This isn’t flour… It’s wheat flour! Wheat flour! The more I chew, the more the flavor of the vegetables spreads throughout my mouth!”

“Cooking is a tool used to bring joy to the hearts of others. One cannot cut any corners if she doesn’t want to utterly fail as a cook.”

“So you’re the archbishop, right? Is that your real job?!”

“Okay, Archbishop, that was quite tasty, but could you leave soon, please? Ryouta and I…”

“Oh my, that’s a commoner’s lunch.”

At some point, Ouka and Sasara had started eating beside them. At a table with chairs. When did those get there? It was a mystery.

“You never try to fit in at school, do you?”

“I can’t be stingy with lunch. In the rom-coms, the rich kid always brings lunch in fancy boxes, right? Those are cold and unrealistic. There’s no way anyone could eat all of that.”

“That is exactly right, Lady Ouka.” Sasara instantly agreed with her.

“That’s why I called in a chef to use the home ec classroom to make something for me. Now I can eat hot, fresh food. Oh my, am I a genius?”

“There’s no need to second-guess yourself.”

“Too true—my apologies for stating the obvious.”

“Lady Ouka, which brand of wine would you like for after your meal?”

“Shut up! You’re underage!”

He had to interject at some point. They could drink at home whenever they wanted, but they couldn’t drink at school.

“Lighten up. Yelling during our meal will give us away.”

“Because you’re trying to drink out in the open at school!”

“It’s all right. I won’t be driving after.”

“You don’t even have a driver’s license; you’re not old enough!”

“Hmm? But I do have one.”

He wasn’t expecting that.

“Sasara, turn to the corresponding page in the Sacred Blood Compendium of Laws.”

“Yes, Lady Ouka, it is right here.”

He wasn’t sure where she pulled it from, but Sasara immediately produced and presented the thick, dictionary-like compendium of law.

“It’s written right here and here on these pages, see?”

Sacred Blood Empire Road Traffic Law Article 23

From birth, the emperor has the right to drive, and no one may revoke this right. However, the emperor will typically have servants drive her around in lieu of driving herself.

Sacred Blood Empire Alcohol Consumption Law Article 3

The emperor is a divine being and may consume any alcoholic beverage regardless of her age. However, in the event that the emperor’s servants have deemed it to be unhealthy for the emperor to drink, the servants may discourage the emperor from doing so.

“…That sure is a convenient law.”

“Of course the emperor has this authority. I can drive whenever I like with this.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking alcohol anyway. It’s bad for your health.”

“Oh, Ryouta, are you thinking about my body?”

Ouka’s expression returned to a neutral one. Her large eyes caught his immediately.

“Of course. I am your vassal, after all. And even if I wasn’t, I’d still be worried about my classmate’s health. I’ve known you for a long time, too.”

It was a little more embarrassing than he’d intended, but he hadn’t said anything weird. He didn’t think he had, at least.

“Huh. Well, I thank you for your concern. Would you like a bite of this steak?” She stuck a cut of the meat on her fork and held it out to Ryouta.

“Y-you shouldn’t try to win people over with your status.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. This is the highest-quality Kobe beef. You’ve probably never tasted meat like this before.”

“H-highest quality…?”

He swayed slightly at the temptation. No matter how much he loved cooking, financial reasons barred him from obtaining the highest-quality ingredients. What would it taste like?

“Whether one will experience joy in life is decided entirely by whether they can seize opportunities as they present themselves. You are definitely losing out in that regard, Ryouta. I suppose your life won’t be all that happy, and you’ll spend your days blaming others for your own weaknesses.”

“Fine! I’ll have some! You don’t have to say all that!” Just one bite couldn’t hurt. He bit into the meat on her fork. “I-i-i-it’s so goooooood!!!” It was Ryouta’s turn to burst into tears. “What is this? What is this meat? It melted the moment it hit my tongue. It melted! And then the flavor spread through my entire mouth! Oh man, oh man, oh man! Beef is a flavor to be reckoned with!”

“What do you think? This is the meal of a ruler. The quality of the ingredients is so different that no matter how hard you work, Ryouta, you’ll never taste anything quite like it. Not even your skill can overcome that barrier.”

“Sorry, but I guess I’m better than you, too.” The archbishop scratched her head.

“I lost. In everything. Completely… I can’t believe I called myself good at cooking… Who cares if it’s just one of my few hobbies…? I’m like a kid playing house…”

Ryouta’s Cooking: Part 1

The End

“Calm down, Ryouta! You’re not a chef or anything! It wasn’t like we were having a food battle to begin with! It’s just lunchtime on the roof!”

They had gotten off point, true.

But why did it end up like this anyway?

“Oh, perhaps you got all grumpy because we bothered you during your time with your precious minion? Sorry, I’m such a clueless big sister.”

Ouka looked at Shiren with a face that read, Heh, all according to plan!

“I-I-I-I’m telling you, that’s not it! You’re reading too deep into it…”

There was that air between the two of them again.

It really did seem like Ouka was getting in the way of Ryouta’s and Shiren’s daily life together.

He didn’t know why she would do that, but there was no doubt about it.

“Hey, Ryouta, it must be rough having to make lunch every day, right? Then why don’t you let me prepare lunch for you? And for Shiren, too, of course. I mean, just one or two extra boxes isn’t a big deal.”

“Could you not make it sound like stuffing one or two extra bodies in your closet isn’t a big deal? It is really tempting, honestly, but I can’t imagine it being good for you eating that every day…”

“Then shall I make you lunch every other day?”

Alfoncina raised her hand. Was this heaven? Alternating days between the food of extraordinary chef Alfoncina XIII and palace cuisine…? Not only that, it would save him a ton of time on food prep.

“Oh, but I can’t; you’re probably busy…”

“But I caused you so much trouble last time, Ryouta. It would be a piece of cake if this was enough to have you forgive me. Or…do you not want to eat my food?”

Alfoncina placed a finger on her lips, her expression darkening.

It was so seductive, it almost made him sigh. He knew, he knew it was just a part of her persona, but he couldn’t look away.

“I could never not want to eat your food! I’d actually want to eat it every day for every meal!”

“If you say so, then I’ll have to do just that.”

“Yes, please!”

Rub, rub.

Something was rubbed onto the back of his neck.

Right afterward, an indescribable pain shot through his body.

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!”

The shock was so intense, it was almost like the great human revolution had occurred within him.

“Wow, it really is impressive to watch what happens when I put mustard on the part of your neck that I bit this morning. How interesting.” Shiren lightly voiced her opinion, a tube of mustard paste in her hand.

“Why do you have something like that…?”

“I carry seasoning around with me for lunch. Over eighty percent of the reason I come to school is for lunch. I cannot compromise.”

It was practically only for food.

“Th-this is bad enough to take you up to the Human Rights Commission…”

“That’s because you were shirking your duty as a minion!” Shiren puffed up her cheeks. “You will serve me, and you will not slack off on making lunch!”

“I wasn’t really trying to slack off…”

“Do you not want to be my minion?!”

If this went any further, she would end up in tears. He remembered that he was an irreplaceable element in Shiren’s life.

“You’re right. I can’t forget that.”

“Hmph, even if Alfoncina’s food is much more delicious…”

That was a gut punch.

“And even if palace food is much more refined…”

Another blow to the gut.

“Come on—can’t you show me more support…?”

“One must judge the flavor of food fairly. It is rude to the chef otherwise.”

No one was interjecting with comments on how Alfoncina was the archbishop anymore.

“Sorry, as Shiren’s minion, I have to make her lunch; and I’ll make my own, too.”

“And that’s that!” Shiren, beside him, puffed her chest out with a smile. “And, Big Sis, you’ll need to stop making moves on your little sister’s minion, okay?”

But Ryouta thought he heard Ouka reply, “I won’t lose to you, Shiren.”

They were still at odds with each other. It was only going to get worse. That was the feeling he got.

“Well, now that we’re done eating, we’re heading back, Sasara.”

“Of course. Lady Ouka, you might slip down the stairs, so please take my hand… Hff.”

“No. Your hands are sweaty.”

“Oh. If everyone’s leaving, then I will, too,” said Alfoncina.

“I need to talk to you later about the future political climate and your CD debut, Alfoncina.”

Ouka, Sasara, and Alfoncina—everyone with power—left one after another.

Until Ouka stopped short.

“Oh, right. It doesn’t seem like you’ve noticed at all, so let me just tell you.”

“Tell us what…?”

“You ate the steak off my fork, didn’t you?”

“I won’t be paying for that even if you order me to. The Fuyukura household doesn’t have any money.”

“You ate it off my fork, didn’t you?” A vicious grin crept onto her face. “In a way, couldn’t this be an indirect…you know?”

Ryouta’s face turned bright red in an instant. Maybe he had just done something totally unthinkable.

“I—I think you’re just exaggerating… Ha-ha-ha…”

His thoughts couldn’t keep up, so he tried to brush it off with whatever came to mind first. Rather, that was his only choice. He couldn’t let it affect him any more without things getting really bad.

But there was someone who was reeling several times more than Ryouta was—Shiren.

“Yeah! You’re exaggerating! It’s no big deal, the wound is shallow, and that’s why I’ll forget it all, I won’t call it an indirect you-know-what, it’s just a broad interpretation, an arbitrary use of the law, I want some steak.”

“Calm down, Shiren. And why did you mention steak at the end?”

“Desire for meat. That is true carnal desire.”

“Don’t add fuel to the fire, Ouka!”

But there was also one other person reeling from this.

Vwoom!

Something whizzed by Ryouta’s face. When he turned around, he saw an arrow sticking out of the concrete. Sasara stood in front of him, bow at the ready.

“A-an indirect you-know-what? Outrageous!”

“Crap! The biggest handful heard us!”

“The most I’ve been able to do is secretly lick plates that Lady Ouka has finished eating from, yet this knave has already reached such perverted heights!”

“Wait, wait! Secretly licking her plates is way more perverted!”

Her bow and arrow locked on to Ryouta.

“Ryouta Fuyukura, it would be terrible if I was to kill you, so I shall offer options for your final plea. Please choose from the following.”

GET SHOT

GET SHOT

GET SHOT

“You’re not planning on letting me live at all!”

“Of course not. Firing!”

Sasara pulled back on the bowstring, but then someone hit her on the shoulder. It was Ouka.

“Oh, Lady Ouka, could it be that you have recognized my services, and you will give me a direct kiss—?”

“You’ve been licking my plates, so we have to talk. I was thinking about holding a court martial, and I want you to appear. It’s the death penalty if you say no.”

With an eerie smile on her face, Ouka took Sasara away. The reason behind her expression was a mystery, but she smiled all the same.

“It’s finally peaceful again.”

“Yes. We can relax and eat.”

Ryouta and Shiren started on their lunches again. At the end of the day, relaxation was the best thing they could ask for. And it was thanks to Sasara that they almost forgot about the indirect you-know-what.

“All right, I’m finished. Ryouta, we’re leaving!”

“Hey, you’ve got some rice on your cheek.”

“Oh.”

Shiren was about to reach up to take it off, but she then immediately brought her hand down.

“As part of your service…you take it off.”

“Sure, I can do that.”

Though he grumbled, he took the grain off her face. And put it in his mouth.

“Wait, I didn’t tell you to eat it…”

For some reason, Shiren looked at him like she hadn’t anticipated this.

Her face slowly grew red.

“But tossing it out would be rude to the farmers.”

“Y-you’re right… I knew it! My minion has a fantastic spirit for service.”

As they chatted, both of them went back down.

No one noticed Tamaki eating her lunch in a corner of the roof.

“Everyone’s lunches had such well-defined characteristics, I couldn’t just bring over my regular lunch to eat with them…”

Beside the lunch box Tamaki was eating from, there was another box of a different color.

“I thought I would be able to give this to him and say, Um, I brought lunch for you today… Why am I so unlucky…? No, I’m not unlucky. I’m just hopeless. Luck is always impartial, but it’s my fault for not being brave or skilled enough… I know, the moment I blame luck, that’s when it’s all over. Such people will never grow. They will spend their entire lives as useless whiners. I am more suited to the shade anyway. I could never stand in the spotlight…”

*Tamaki continued talking to herself, but we will cut it short there.

They somehow managed to safely make it through the school day.

Well, maybe it wasn’t as safe as it could have been.

“I’m way too tired… I want to get home and relax as soon as possible.”

“No, we have to do our shopping today. We’re going to Freshmart Warakia.”

“Let’s just deal with what we already have…”

On the other hand, Tamaki still had the lunch box out and was staring at it even after classes were over. She had two portions, so she couldn’t eat it all.

If I take this home, my seventh mother will scold me. You are a terrible child for not eating all your food, Tamaki. I’m sure you’ll find yourself in hell! she’ll say… But I can’t eat this… I suppose I have to throw it away…

Her eyes met with Ryouta’s as he was heading out.

“Wait, you’re still eating your lunch, Shijou?”

Oh…how embarrassing. I’m sorry…

“Oh, I just made a little too much, ha-ha… I was thinking about how much of a waste it would be to throw it away…”

Her eyes swam. There was no way she could tell him she’d made it for him.

“Hey, I’ll take it if you can’t finish it. What you have there should be able to fit in mine. You look like you’re in a lot of pain, Shijou,” Ryouta said, scratching his head. He was the type to tentatively extend a hand if he saw someone else in trouble, and Tamaki’s expression said she had a particularly complicated problem.

“I—I, that’s, um…”

“Oh, but obviously, if I’m bothering you, then I’ll leave you alone…”

“Th-th-th…tha… No, I’m sorry! I’m sorry that someone as useless as myself is causing you trouble!”

She was so happy for Ryouta’s suggestion and sorry at the same time; her heart was so full of emotions that she started to cry.

“Ooh…ooh…sniff…”

There were so many feelings jumbled up inside her that she couldn’t help but cry.

“Wait, hold on! Why are you crying?!”

“I’m sorry! I’m crying over how small I am…and how great you are… Ooh…ooh… I will be sure to grow up to be someone who won’t cause problems for anyone else… I will pay my taxes on time; I will separate my garbage properly… When the newspaper salesman comes by, I’ll be sure to sign up for a month’s subscription… If I get a fraudulent distress call, I’ll pretend not to notice and pay the fee…”

“You don’t have to force yourself to sign up for the newspaper, and don’t pay the fee.”

Tamaki seemed to be the type who would have five different papers sent to her house.

“It’s nothing to cry over anyway! Stop!”

“I’m sorry… Ooh…sniff… Now it looks like you made me cry… I’m sure that’s even more trouble for you… I’m sorry, I’m sorry… It’s all my fault…”

“I—I know you’re just telling me the truth, but it sounds like I’m a really bad person here…”

“I’m so, so sorry for causing you all this trouble—I’m sorry! I’m sorry that you pinned me down back then, too!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! People will misunderstand, so don’t talk about that!”

“No, it’s all my fault… And I’m sorry for biting you! It was just on a whim!”

At some point, everyone around them had started staring with blank expressions.

It was clearly because she had said “pinned me down.” He had a feeling that at this rate, people would start losing their trust in him. People’s trust in him was already at an all-time low; was he going to be okay?

But that wasn’t all.

Some of the boys in the class were gathering.

“Fuyukura made Shijou cry…”

“And she said she bit him…”

“He’s finally started making girls cry even when they have nothing to do with him…”

“The die has been cast… We have crossed the Rubicon… The enemy is in Honno-ji—no, right here in our class!”

All their expressions and postures and attitudes were vastly different. But there was one thing they had in common.

Glinting under the fluorescent lights were the twelve-inch rulers in their hands.

“Ryouta Fuyukura, your acts have been causing problems with the girls in our class, and we can’t let you carry on any longer! We will defeat you, vile dictator, and bring freedom and reform to this classroom! Everyone, follow me, Kotaro Yamahara!”

Yamahara, the boys’ leader, stepped out in front.

This was probably Yamahara’s shining moment of the school year. Behind him, there were even voices that said, “Who is this guy?” He didn’t particularly stand out. Not even Ryouta remembered his name right away.

“This is a mistake, guys! I’m innocent! I didn’t do anything!”

“Heh! It’s not like we’re jealous of how popular you are or anything!”

Oh, he was annoying and a liar.

“Hey, come on, Shiren! Say something!”

This was bad; he turned to Shiren for help. It was a cheap tactic, but maybe if a girl said they were wrong, the boys wouldn’t be able to do anything to him.

“You want me to say something?”

“Yes. Please, as repayment for all my service to date! I’m clearly in a pinch right now!”

“Huh, okay.” Shiren looked around at the class for a moment.

Everyone held their breath.

He couldn’t imagine what Shiren might say, now that she had been put on the spot.

After thinking it over for a bit, she said, “I have your answer,” and pushed Ryouta forward slightly. “I believe in you, Ryouta.”

“What?! You’re not gonna cover for me?! This is not the kind of help I had in mind!”

“There’s a superstition that lions drop their children into ravines to raise them. This is the same thing.”

“If you know it’s a superstition, then don’t buy into it!”

“No, actually, you’ve been getting a little more rebellious recently, so I think this is perfect. It’s fine; they’re weaker than Sasara. It seemed like you were going after Tamaki, too, so consider this your punishment for that.”

Given they were attacking him with the intent to kill, this seemed a little excessive.

But if he said anything to bring up Tamaki again, the situation would probably only get worse, so there was really nothing he could do.

“All right, men, we’ve gotten permission! Attack! Don’t stop until he’s ready to scream at the sight of a ruler! After we’ve caught him, stab him with the thirty-degree side of a right triangle! Stab him until the corner’s blunt!”

“““Yeeeaaahhh!!”””

The boys all raised the rulers in their hands and rushed at Ryouta.

“This is the worst!”

Now that his opponents were coming at him with force, he had no choice but to run for the hallway.

“Crap, he’s fast! Don’t fall behind!”

In an odd case of luck, he was a fast runner. His life had left him with many opportunities to hone that particular skill.

“I knew this would happen one day! I’m innocent!”

“Dammit! He’s going to get away at this rate! Get Takashima or Miyoshi from the track-and-field team!”

“Captain, both of them have girlfriends and lives, so they are not a part of our group!”

“Those damn track-and-fielders! I’ll put jelly and thumbtacks in their shoes!”

“What should we do? Are any of us secretly good at sports?”

“I’m good at bowling!”

“That doesn’t make you good at sports!”

Ryouta wasn’t sure how, but he had a feeling that things would work themselves out.

On the other hand, he was outnumbered.

The gap between them wasn’t closing, but he was being chased into a part of the school with little traffic.

“Crap. Things will just get worse over here…”

“Men, let’s keep this up!”

“Yeah, I’m gonna smack him with my ruler!”

“I’ll get him with three at once!”

“I’ll stab him with the edge!”

“I think the only thing this way is the nurse’s office… After that is just a dead end, I’m pretty sure…”

If it was closed or empty, then it would be the end for him.

The anxiety was weakening his stride, and they were getting closer to him.

He couldn’t turn back, so all he could do was put his faith in the nurse’s office.

“Please be open!”

Then he placed his hand on his only hope.

—Krk.

It was the heartrending sound of a locked door.

“Why is it locked…?!”

The subjugation crew was coming up right behind him.

“Today isn’t your lucky day. Now this is where we take sanctions against him, men.”

“We’ll make sure you change that rotten personality of yours!”

“Our revolution with rulers!”

“Ruler Revolution!”

The group raised their rulers above their heads and surrounded Ryouta. Visually, it sort of looked like it was some kind of legendary festival, except less tasteful, obviously.

But then—

—Ka-lack.

The door to the nurse’s office unlocked from the inside.

—Rata-ta-ta-ta-ta…

And the door slid open.

“It’s not pleasant to watch a crowd of people ganging up on a single person!”

A girl gallantly stood in front of Ryouta, her long ponytail trailing behind her.

“Sasara…”

Sasara Tatsunami had become Ryouta’s shield.

She was wearing her school uniform instead of her knightly attire, and she exuded the air of a warrior as she held a bamboo training sword. But he wasn’t sure why she would appear from the nurse’s office with a training sword.

“Apologies, I locked the door from the inside. I thought it was noisy out here, but I didn’t expect this.”

Sasara glanced behind Ryouta, and then faced front again.

“Are you not ashamed of yourselves? Well, I understand how unforgivable you find this man, and if I had to choose, I would rather assist you. I would rather take five rulers at once and smack him senseless with them.”

“Wait, you’re not here to help me?!”

“But in that case, I would just invite him to battle, fair and square. I grow irritated watching how cowardly you act—it’s like I’m looking into a mirror at my past self.”

It was a simple but weighty sentence.

Sasara had been the very one to put together a surprise attack to defeat Shiren. That might have been the disgrace of a lifetime for a warrior like her.

That was why she couldn’t ignore others who were trying to do something just as reprehensible.

“You’ve gotten a lot stronger, Sasara…”

It was almost like she had gained more dignity and beauty.

“And I cannot allow Ryouta Fuyukura to die in a place like this—I will be marrying him, after all.”

An awkward silence fell over them.

“Sorry, Sasara—I think I went deaf for a second. Did you say ‘marrying’ or ‘mauling’…?”

“I m-made no mistake. ‘Marrying.’ That is what I said.”

His excuse that he’d misheard was roundly destroyed.

“There might be a future where you kill me, sure, but I don’t think there’s a future where we get married in any possible reality!”

“It’s your fault! You made me lick your blood! Licking the blood of a man I have no intentions of marrying is unacceptable in the distinguished Tatsunami family!”

Her face was bright red, almost as though she was going to cut him down right there and then.

And if those extras behind her with their rulers hadn’t been there, she probably would have.

“What?! Why did Fuyukura make her lick his blood?”

“These high school kids sure are acting mature for their age!”

“I knew he was our enemy—no, the enemy of all women!”

The news was causing a significant stir among the boys.

“Drinking blood really is that embarrassing for the Sacred Blooded…?”

“Y-yes…”

The typically bold Sasara nervously looked down. Her feet had even started pointing inward.

Was what he’d done like making moves on a girl from a noble family?

But if he hadn’t done it, then she probably would have broken down and died…

“I thought you were only interested in women…”

“It seems there’s been a misunderstanding… I only love Lady Ouka, but that does not mean I am only romantically interested in women.”

It was an unnecessary question, and he now felt like he’d gotten himself stuck in quicksand.

“I—I hope that you don’t misunderstand me; I would only be doing it out of necessity… Of course, the one I love most in the entire universe is Lady Ouka…and I barely care for you at all; I would marry you in form only. Do try to understand.”

“I get it! You don’t have to spell it out!”

“Good, as long as you understand. Now, which one of you would like to fall to my sword?”

“What should we do, men?” Yamahara asked his friends.

“It is disgraceful for a man to raise his hand against a woman…”

“But it’d be disgraceful if we ran away now.”

“I don’t wanna get hurt.”

“I really don’t think we can win with rulers here.”

None of them wanted to step forward in a situation like this.

Until one of them did with a single ruler in hand. “…Leave this to me. I am a masochist. I will graciously fall to Tatsunami’s blade! Ohhhh, Tatsunami, prepare yourself! Dowahhchagralmee!”

One young man with a bright future fell to her sword.

“Dammit, you guys, we can’t lose until we crack down on all the guys who actually get girls!”

“““We apologize and humbly accept defeat.”””

The rest of the boys surrendered.

“Guys! Where’d your hatred go?!” Yamahara was the only one shocked by the situation.

“Fighting begets nothing, after all. I hope the world knows peace one day. I love Lady Ouka.”

“Your fantasies are slipping through, there.”

Her last sentence rendered everything that came before it worthless.

“By the way, why were you in the nurse’s office? Are you under the weather?”

She had seemed fine and healthy in the morning. Was it that thing that happens only to women…?

“No, I wouldn’t say that… But yes, let’s say I was under the weather…”

That sounded fishy.

The door to the nurse’s office slid open again. “You forgot this, Tatsunami,” the nurse called, holding something large.

Maybe he was imagining it, but he thought it looked like an Ouka body pillow.

“Ahhh! I’ll come collect it later, so please just leave it there! I still don’t have copyright permission from Lady Ouka, so I can’t have her learning of this!”

“What on Earth were you doing in there?!”

“Nothing shameful at all. I was in the nurse’s office because I felt a bit under the weather. But I cannot sleep without my own special pillow, so I was using that one. I was fortunate that I happened to bring it along today. The design may make it seem like she is in her underwear, but that is just the way it looks.”

She spoke incredibly stiffly, as though she was reading from a prompter.

“I feel like I understand why you locked it from the inside now, but I’m way too scared to point it out.”

Sasara squeezed the stuffed Ouka doll on her belt.

“Silence! I am the law! You will never be in a position to talk back to me!”

“Don’t brush me off with the recording!”

Behind her, the nurse (Marina Yano, thirty-two, married) emerged. “Allow me to speak as the nurse—we were doing exercises for health and physical education.”

“That’s way too blunt!”

Was the nurse okay? Well, she had accepted a student and her body pillow, so probably not.

“Well then, I am going home… I need to return to Lady Ouka’s side.” As if her business had concluded, Sasara turned to leave.

“Sure, take care. And…” He was a little embarrassed to say it, but he had to. “You saved me. I owe you.”

“Wh…? Why did you say that?!”

Sasara twisted around, her expression bewildered. There was a tinge of red to her face, too.

“Hey, it’s not something to get upset over.”

“Once you say that, then it means I must say my part, too, does it not…?” She readied herself, lightly inhaled, and said, “Thank you for saving me before.”

Sasara smiled bashfully and then left.

Oh no, she’s super cute when she smiles genuinely…

She was typically a little slow, so he’d almost forgotten, but Sasara was a real gentlewoman. A beautiful young lady.

If she had said Let’s get married with that smile, then he might have fallen into a dangerous pit.

But first, he needed to meet back up with Shiren—

“Tatsunami left.”

“Ryouta Fuyukura’s the only one left.”

“Let’s do it.”

“Yeah!”

The boys, who had been groveling on the floor a moment ago, stood back up.

“You guys are awful losers! Just give up!”

“We can’t do that.”

“We must satisfy our grudges!”

“Watch your back, normie!”

Ryouta dashed straight down the hall, but he was probably nearing his end. Sasara’s overwhelming might had just managed to dampen their rage, but without anything that could match her, how was he supposed to pacify them?

Was there anything open to him that could let him mediate between both those things?

Oh no, he was coming up on another dead end…

A door that said HOME ECONOMICS CLASSROOM stood at the end of the hall. He could rush inside and ask for help if clubs were active today, but it was closed now.

“We will be victorious this time!”

“Even if I don’t have a life, I still won’t be sad about it!”

“You can spend your teens with other guys; it’s still fun!”

“If it stays this way until I’m thirty, I’ll become a monk!”

The ruler gang closed the distance one step at a time.

Was it finally time for his public execution…?

But then the door on the right—the home ec prep room—slid open with a rattle.

“Oh my, a fight! As the archbishop, I am greatly saddened by this sight.”

“Alfoncina!”

Alfoncina, dressed in an apron, emerged from the side.

“I was just about to bake a cake. Oh, but I’m sorry, Ryouta.”

“Why? There’s nothing to apologize for…”

“I’m wearing an apron now, but I’m unfortunately not nude underneath.”

“Please remember that you’re part of the clergy!”

“I’m only half kidding.” Alfoncina stepped forward to cover Ryouta. “Come now. Fighting is bad! Fighting will put you all on the path to hell in the Holy Church of the Sacred Blood. I’m the archbishop, and if I say so, it’s true.”

That’s right! The archbishop could use her religious authority to mediate! If war itself is bad, then that would help me, too…

“See, it’s on page fifty-three of the scripture: Fighting only begets sadness.”

One of the boys seemed to be pious, and he immediately pulled a mini scripture from his uniform pocket and opened to the page she had mentioned.

“Archbishop, that page is an illustrated page and doesn’t have any words. Look, it’s a picture of a panty shot.”

The boy showed them.

And just as he said, it was a picture of a panty shot.

“Oh, you’re right. Alfoncina, you need to be— Wait, this is a light novel!”

Having illustrated pages in the holy scripture was a strange enough concept already.

“But more people will read if it has pictures, and more copies will sell… But some hesitated to buy it because the cover and illustrations were too risqué, so we played it safe with the cover…”

“That is a weirdly vivid way to put it.”

“And the serialized comic adaptation drawn by Bluh D. Dee is being published in the monthly Comic Vamper.”

“Wait, I heard that name before, in history class!”

He thought that name didn’t matter; he certainly wasn’t expecting to hear it again…

“Well anyway, fighting only belongs on the court. Otherwise, it’s to hell with you. As the archbishop, I declare that there is a hell. According to our doctrines, there are ten levels of hell, and you’ll taste the pain and pleasure of misery in each…”

“Pleasure?!”

“Oh, there might be some masochists about.”

“Hell can’t cope with masochists, either… By the way, what kinds of levels are they?”

Sometimes, Ryouta got very uneasy over whether or not Alfoncina was really doing her job as the archbishop.

“Oh, don’t you believe me? I remember what they are. The first level of hell is curry hell: a place of regret where you realize that you’ve forgotten to cook the rice after making curry. This repeats for eternity.”

“I see you started from a very mundane place.”

That was probably because it was still only the first level.

“The second level of hell is train hell: a place where you run to catch a train, but it always leaves right as you’re about to make it. This repeats for eternity.”

“That’s still pretty mundane.”

“The third level of hell is bicycle hell: a place where you try to leave with your bike from the parking lot where you left it, but then a couple starts making out right in front of you, which makes it difficult to pass them, and you have trouble undoing the lock, and your bike falls over and causes a domino effect that topples the other bikes. This repeats for eternity.”

“That’s awkward! That’s super awkward! I mean, it doesn’t really matter, but I’m noticing all these hells are taking place in the modern day.”

“The fourth level of hell is diner hell: a place where you give your order to the restaurant staff, but they always, without fail, bring out a different dish. No matter how many times you mention it, they always bring out the wrong one. This repeats for eternity.”

“You even put diners in hell?!”

“By the way, the hourly rate of the staff in hell is three hundred and fifty yen.”

“That’s so low! That really is hell!”

“The fifth level of hell is camera hell: a place where you feel like you’re forgetting something before you leave on a trip, but you can’t remember what. Then, when you finally arrive at your destination, you realize you forgot your camera. You’re disappointed, but you have no choice but to continue with your travels. This repeats for eternity.”

“We’re halfway through, but it’s getting hard to tell them apart…”

“The sixth level of hell is toilet hell: a place where you go into the bathroom when you can barely hold it, but they’re all occupied. It doesn’t seem like any will open anytime soon. This repeats for eternity!!!”

“Okay, that’s hell! And you’re emphasizing it more!”

“The seventh level of hell is mom hell: a place where you’re watching TV and the scene starts to get a little steamy just as your mom walks in. This repeats for eternity. I’m sure you’ve experienced this before, Ryouta.”

“Urgh… I’d say that never happened, but I’d be lying…”

Why did parents always enter at the absolute worst time? It was a mystery.

“I’ve gotten tired of doing this, so I’ll give you the abridged version. The eighth level of hell is jigsaw hell, where you’ll never be able to find the last piece of your puzzle. The ninth level of hell is last episode hell, where you’ll always miss the last episode of an anime or drama. And the tenth level of hell is missing square hell, where you will constantly do well but never get a full bingo. If you live a wicked life, you will find yourself in one of these hells!”

“I’m gonna get right to the point and say that’s a really low-stakes hell.”

“It was much bloodier long ago, but there was a regulation that said it was bad for children’s upbringing, so now it’s like this!”

“Are you okay with this, Archbishop?!” Ryouta retorted.

Just then, he could hear the soft slapping of Yamahara hitting his ruler against his hand.

“Don’t ignore us! Talk about hell all you want, but don’t blatantly ignore us like that!”

“Crap, he found me out!”

Apparently, ignoring Yamahara had been added to his growing list of crimes.

“Anyway, you should never chase a single person as a group. I’ll always side with the weaker one!”

Then Alfoncina grinned like a cat—or so he thought.

In the next moment, a soft, squishy sensation engulfed Ryouta’s arm.

“Let’s all have a nice group hug. Tee-hee~.”

Alfoncina wrapped her arms around him.

Which meant she was hugging him. Which meant that soft, squishy sensation was…

“Alfoncina! What are you doing?! Please move! They’re touching me!”

“Hmmmm? What’s touching you?”

At present, the only thought he had for this member of the clergy was You demon. She was definitely getting enjoyment out of this.

The subjugation crew grew agitated.

“Man… I’m jealous…”

“He’s even enticed the archbishop; what a godless deed…”

“Wish I was him.”

“Wish I was him.”

“Wish I was him.”

“Wish I was him.”

Of course they’d be jealous.

“As long as you all stay here, I’ll protect the weak. I am the archbishop, after all. Oh, Ryouta, no one’s in the prep room. Do you want to go in with me?”

“And do what, Alfoncina? Do what?!”

If he casually agreed, then she’d probably make him her minion.

“What should we do, men?”

“There’s no point if we don’t put a stop to this enviable situation!”

“We have no choice but to make a strategic retreat!”

“But what about his punishment?”

It sounded like the boys were at odds.

Hair brushed against Ryouta’s face. Alfoncina’s body was almost flush with his.

“Heh-heh… Things will only get more and more intense unless they go away… Oh no~.”

“S-stop! Seriously!”

He felt like he was in a game of chicken with his own reasoning. All his blood had rushed to his head, and he felt like he was going to faint. He really did wish she would stop acting so suggestively. He had to take all her jokes seriously. That was how high her base stats were.

“Stop! Jealousy and envy are problems of a totally different caliber, and we can deal with those! But you’ll be expelled!” Yamahara was yelling, having lost his cool, but Alfoncina wasn’t listening at all.

“It seems they’ll be staying here, so perhaps I should kiss you? It is also the job of the archbishop to spread the philanthropic spirit…”

“You’re not planning on doing that at all! Come on, guys—you need to get out of here! Logic and reason go right out the window when she gets like this!” Ryouta desperately begged Yamahara. If he ended up expelled over this, he wasn’t sure what kind of punishment Shiren would have waiting for him.

“Men, pull back! We’re not running; this is a tactical retreat! Don’t look at the embrace any longer! Our eyes will rot!”

“Everyone, out!”

“Dammit!”

“Down with war!”

“But normies should die!”

“Die in the rom-com war!”

The subjugation crew finally left.

He was safe now, but it didn’t seem like their hatred had abated; if anything, it was worse now.

“And that settles it!”

“Yeah. And since things are settled now, could you let go…?”

It would be embarrassing if someone saw him locked in Alfoncina’s embrace. Not just embarrassing but bad for his social life at school.

“Where should we continue, Ryouta? The prep room is open, and it would be so immorally exhilarating if we went to the student guidance room, wouldn’t it?” she whispered in his ear, and he grew light-headed.

“Please don’t strive for immorality, Archbishop!”

He was a meek kid and, at the end of the day, a high school boy.

“Awww~. But I didn’t say I’d save you for free… Why can’t you just let me have a little sip?”

Alfoncina said “sip,” clear as day.

“So that’s what you’re after…”

“You don’t mind, do you? It would be fine for just a minute. You won’t completely turn into a minion!”

“No.”

She said “just a minute,” but she was definitely planning on drinking his blood until he was a total minion.

She had almost made him her minion in the cathedral when they first met, too.

“Oh, are you going against me? Even when I’m roughly twenty percent your master?”

Don’t disobey me.

Her voice echoed in his head. It didn’t just happen once; it repeated over and over again.

Yes—Ryouta was ever so slightly under Alfoncina’s control.

It wasn’t like he was being brainwashed, but he couldn’t summon the strength to refuse.

“Okay, it should be fine if it’s only for a minute…”

“Oh yes. It’s just like faith. You don’t need to be so serious; just take it nice and slow, little by little…”

“Oh, I see.”

The voice sounded like his own, but it felt like someone else was talking.

“And if you like it, then we can just keep going. Right?”

“That’s true. As long as you respect my free will—”

Then something latched on to his neck—a familiar ropelike object.

He had a terrible feeling, but it was already too late.

This wasn’t a rope; it was a chain. The chain of his collar.

“Ahhhhh!”

Something was pulling him in with the chain around his neck.

At the end of it was Shiren, furious with rage.

“I thought you’d gotten away, only to find you two hugging here. I see, I see.”

“Hold on! Cool down a second. There’s no real mea—”

“Don’t waste your breath. None of it.” Shiren poked him in the eyes.

“Again?!”

A pain more dangerous than the rulers ran through his body. Why did his whole body hurt even though he only got poked in the eyes? Maybe she knew about a unique pressure point or something.

“Now then, you’ll be ending your treatment of Ryouta right there, Alfoncina! You were trying to make him your minion again, weren’t you?! Give me a break!”

Shiren glared at the taller upperclassman in protest.

“Sorry~. I’m not playing around with Ryouta anymore.”

“That’s not the problem! Someone at your level could easily manipulate other people’s feelings, so you need to stop—now!”

“Oh, sorry~.” Alfoncina bowed her head quickly. “I didn’t think Ryouta would waver as much as he did…”

“Huh…?”

Something in what she said caught his attention. Alfoncina wasn’t being malicious. That was why he felt like there was a great big problem hidden somewhere in there…

Then a third voice butted in.

“I knew it—your master-minion relationship is awful… Sigh.” Ouka folded her arms and stood beside him. “Shouldn’t you just break up at this point? I mean, like a band does.”

“No, no, that’s not happening. Ryouta and I are bound by deep ties!”

“Pfft.”

“She snorted at me! You might be the emperor, but you’re still mean for snorting at your little sister!”

“Okay, we’ll leave it at that,” she said in a monotone. “By the way, change of topic.” Ouka turned to look at Ryouta. “Tomorrow’s Saturday, Ryouta, and I’ll be showing you around the palace then. Please be sure to come.”

“What?”

How was that related to anything?

“See, you are one of my subordinates, so you should know the layout of the castle. If there’s an uprising, you’ll have to rush to the castle and die in my stead, you know.”

“I have to die?! And there’s no way I could ever pose as you! Am I supposed to wear your clothes?!”

“Nothing is impossible if you work hard enough. You could even walk around naked on the seafloor.”

“Thanks for the words of motivation, but no! And it’s not like I can walk naked on the seafloor anyway!”

But it was still a problem that one of her own retainers didn’t know the inside of the castle.

“Then your little sister should take a good look around, too.”

It didn’t seem like Shiren knew the interior of the castle, either.

“Right. I barely know what it’s like in there. Big Sis, I ask that you take me along as well.”

“Oh, no, there’s no oversight here. You have to go to school for makeup lessons that day, Shiren.”

Ouka grinned.

It was the kind of smile that would send a pure-hearted child into tears.

“Oh…right, I have makeup lessons for Japanese and English and math and social studies and world history and biology and chemistry…”

“That’s almost our entire curriculum! That’s because you’re always sleeping in class!”

He wouldn’t be able to go to the castle on Saturday like this.

Would she even be able to finish all those lessons in one day anyway?

“Then you’ll be coming to the castle tomorrow, Ryouta. This is an Imperial order.”

“F-fine…”

When she put it like that, he had no choice but to agree.

“I will show you every nook and cranny, so be ready. See you later.” As Ouka left, he heard her quietly add, “I will have no blind spots.”

Shiren, on the other hand, was standing there, shivering.

“Wh-what should we do…?”