EPISODE 1

LET’S PLOT TO RUIN A FORMAL MATCHMAKING SESSION!

Five forty AM. Time for Shiren Fuyukura to wake up.

She slowly poked her head out from under the covers. It was not for any laudable reason, like morning practice for a sports club or an early job or anything, however.

She wanted to bite and take a sip of her minion (candidate) Ryouta.

Her logic was that no good minion should wake up later than his master; therefore, this was a justified punishment.

“You’re going to let me take a big, juicy bite out of you today, Ryouta. That is your role as my minion. Don’t hold it against me.”

She silently made her way down the hall and opened the door to Ryouta’s room. Even though she was the emperor’s younger sister, she felt like a cat burglar.

She successfully snuck into Ryouta’s room. First she checked to see if he had any wasabi slathered on his neck. That had given her a real nasty surprise last time. He was getting smarter, so she couldn’t afford to be too cocky.

“Hmm, he does not appear to be having a very pleasant rest.”

Ryouta’s sleeping face was screwed up in pain. Perhaps he was having a nightmare.

“…Cu…half… Heh…”

“Cu-half? A…calf? Odd nightmare…”

“Gonna kill me… Gonna cut me in half… Help me…”

“Hmm? What’s happening in your dream?! Ryouta, hey!” Shiren reached out to shake Ryouta—but then stopped herself. “No, I should drink his blood first. That will help his dream end pleasantly. Yes, I’m sure of it.”

In the end, she prioritized her own gain over saving Ryouta.

“Don’t blame me for this, Ryouta…” With great vigor, Shiren swooped down to bite into him.

“Agh! Help!”

And that was right when Ryouta snapped up out of bed.

Ergo: Ryouta’s forehead →← Shiren’s forehead.

Thunk.

There was a dull, heavy sound.

“Owww! Did you hit my head with a rock?!”

“Hey, don’t sit up so suddenly! What an incredible counterattack!”

Both of them pressed their hands to their foreheads in pain.

“You deceived me, Ryouta… I cannot believe you’d even harm yourself to stop me…”

“I didn’t deceive anyone! I just woke up from a nightmare!”

“A nightmare? Well, you did seem to be having an unpleasant sleep. What were you dreaming about? Did you go to a convenience store late at night only to find that they were sold out of the Kairakuten comic magazine, but you feel awkward leaving without buying anything, so you buy some snacks you didn’t really want?”

“I’ve never bought that magazine in my life! And your dreams are way too specific! Where did you get that story?!”

“But what else is there? All I can really think of is discovering you hadn’t put the rice on after you finished making the curry.”

“Kinda mild for a nightmare.”

“Did you realize you hadn’t bought any tomatoes as you were making chirashi-zushi?”

“You don’t need tomatoes for chirashi-zushi! What would you even do with them?!”

“The acidity from the tomatoes makes it taste better…” Shiren got easily upset when someone insulted tomatoes.

“Nightmares are about all kinds of things. Like getting chased by evil people, or falling off a bridge, or—”

“—Or you run into a high school girl who’s running around with toast in her mouth.”

“Are nightmares just comedy tropes to you?”

Some people would be excited to have an encounter like that. She was surprisingly lacking in her knowledge about nightmares.

Or maybe you don’t have nightmares if your head is too empty? was a thought that crossed Ryouta’s mind.

“Then what kind of nightmare did you have? Be straight with me!” Shiren demanded, as though she’d realized he was making fun of her. Her long pigtails swung back and forth dramatically. “Oh, that’s right, you were talking about being cut in half while you were asleep. Okay, so after you went to the convenience store late at night and saw they were sold out of the Kairakuten comic magazine, you felt awkward leaving without buying anything, so you bought some snacks you didn’t really want, and then on your way home you got cut down by a rogue samurai?”

“What does the first half have to do with anything?! The only part that was relevant was the person cutting me with a sword! And by someone you know really well, Shiren!”

Shiren had an inkling of who he was talking about. It was easy to imagine which one of their mutual acquaintances might consider cutting Ryouta in half.

“Sasara almost killed me…” Ryouta’s face went pale, remembering the dream more vividly.

It sure was a realistic dream… When he woke up, his first thought was that he was in the afterlife.

“Remember that time you went full beast mode and practically left Sasara for dead? It was back then, and Sasara practically beat me to a pulp.”

“Ah… It was technically in self-defense, but I still did an awful thing…”

“I made her drink my blood then. Because I knew it could help her heal.”

“Yeah. That was an unbelievably shameless thing to do, but she was one wrong step away from death. It’s like CPR.”

It was abnormal for one human to lick another human’s blood, but to the Sacred Blooded, it proved to be an even bigger problem. In short, only people who loved each other very much did something like that.

“It was really an unbelievable dream…”

FLASHBACK MODE

SCENE: Empty school after classes are finished for the day.

“Um… Ryouta Fuyukura, I have something important to talk to you about…”

“You do? I do, too, actually…”

“To tell you the truth, my family found out I drank your blood… And now I am being forced to marry you…”

“To tell you the truth, Shiren and I are going to get married…”

“What…?”

“Er, well… I know it’s sudden, but it’s basically a shotgun wedding—”

“You will die by my blade.”

“Huh?”

“If you so choose to live in disgrace, then I will kill you and die myself!”

“Stop! Don’t kill me! You don’t have to die, either!”

“After I am dead, I will find happiness haunting Lady Ouka, so I do not care!”

“Don’t turn into a ghost! Please just rest in peace!”

“Then I shall settle for writing a letter of apology.”

“At least make it a real punishment! Is my murder really just worth one apology letter…?”

“Silence! Leave this earthly realm! I will hold a memorial service on the forty-ninth day after your death! Close your eyes! Yaaaaah!”

“She’s gonna kill me! She’s gonna cut me in half! Help me!”

“No help will come for you! You lady killer!”

“Agh! Help me!”

That was when he woke up and collided head-on with Shiren.

Even now that he was awake, the cold sweat still trickled down his face, and Shiren’s presence right in front of him was making him uncomfortable.

Why the hell do we have to get married…? And a shotgun wedding, at that? This whole thing is ridiculous and completely impossible…

Why had a dream of all things reached such a dire point…? That whole nightmare had probably taken a year off his life.

He was scared to look directly at her now.

“Hmm…?” Shiren asked. “Is there something on my face?”

“No! Your face is normal!”

“Sasara, hmm? How frightening… The scariest part is how realistically possible the whole scenario is.”

“Please, no… I’m not gonna take this as an omen.”

“No, it’s seriously possible. If the Tatsunami family finds out, then Sasara might not be the one who comes by. If they think you deflowered their daughter, they’ll send an assassin instead.”

“Oh yeah, she’s from a good family, isn’t she…?” All she ever did was moan about Ouka, so it was easy to forget.

“Yes. One of the most famous families in the army. They’re very particular about honor.”

“Oh god, that’s terrifying… I don’t want to hear any more!”

After all the trouble he’d gone through to save her, it was too much to think that he would have to spend the rest of his life watching his back.

“Making her drink your blood has huge consequences. S-so…don’t do it again, okay?”

“I—I know…”

Tamaki had also bitten him back at the festival, but he wasn’t about to bring that up now.

“Just don’t let anyone find out. I suppose the only ones who saw that were me and Big Sis, and Alfoncina. Kiyomizu…was passed out, so she wouldn’t know. Yeah, w-we…we’ll be a-all right…n-no…p-p-problem?”

“It sure sounds like a problem to me!”

“No, I was just thinking that Big Sis or Alfoncina might end up talking…”

“You’re right… Maybe we should send them some sweets to keep them quiet? No, but then they might want more and start blackmailing us…”

Both Ouka and Alfoncina were at the center of the empire, so that would be borderline corruption. Ryouta and Shiren often found themselves dancing in the palms of their hands anyway.

“We should be fine, since no one else has found out…probably? Neither of them would talk; they know it would lead to a big incident.”

“That’s also true… And it was still just a dream.”

Okay, time to recalibrate and start the day. Ryouta went to go make breakfast, talking to himself.

“That dream couldn’t be a sign of what’s to come, can it…?”

With an ominous feeling still in his chest, Ryouta went to school with Shiren and found things out of sorts there, too.

Sasara sat there staring, or at least that was Ryouta’s impression when he entered the classroom. She was just sitting in her seat instead of staring feverishly at Ouka or occasionally shooting spiteful glances Ryouta’s way.

Instead, she appeared to be simply lost in thought. She wasn’t paying attention to people coming into the classroom, at any rate.

“She’s been like this all morning. It’s a black Monday, I suppose,” Ouka said.

“What? The stocks aren’t crashing!”

She probably meant something more along the lines of the post-weekend Monday blues.

“Let’s test to see just how off she is today.” Ouka waved her hand in front of Sasara’s face.

“Oh, a hand is moving…” She wasn’t very responsive.

“I’ll give you a kiss if you follow my orders.”

“…How delightful.”

“Isn’t that strange? Her energy is so low today. I’d usually expect her to react with a stereotypical shonen manga nosebleed and then faint.”

“If you were expecting that, shouldn’t you have tried a less extreme test?”

“Once, she did almost bleed out. I increased the amount of reserve blood used for transfusions at each hospital.”

“Her nosebleed changed the healthcare system?!”

Though Sasara was just her personal guard, Ouka still went all out for her.

“I wonder if something shocked her. It’s like the time when Shijou got robbed.”

When that had happened, Tamaki had exuded a powerful negative aura. But they did catch the thief, who now worked at the convenience store.

“She won’t tell me what’s wrong. She’s been like this all morning. Come on, Sasara, tell us what you know.”

“…I know nothing.”

“Do you like me? You just want to get naughty with me, don’t you?”

“……I do, of course. And I believe the emperor should not use such language.”

“Ugh, what an infuriating response! You have no idea how angry this makes me! I can’t explain it, but I feel spurned!” Ouka glowered at Sasara.

Sometimes, when you say something suggestive as a joke, the worst possible response is to be ignored.

“Calm down! We get that something’s off with Sasara!”

This was bad. There was no doubt now that Sasara was not herself today.

“In a way, hasn’t she matured if she’s acting like a normal high school girl now? I think our class will be a lot more peaceful. We already have lots of problem students in our class, after all.”

“Shiren, that is refreshingly sound logic, but it just makes you look more guilty when you say it.”

“What?! I stay sound asleep during lessons so that I don’t bother the other students!”

“You’re just slacking; you can’t pretend it’s to benefit someone else!”

Shiren slept through almost all of their classes. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that she basically only came to school to eat lunch.

“No, it’s the other way around. The classes are so boring that they put me to sleep, and that’s the real problem. The best teachers would conduct a class where the students who want to sleep would stay awake and listen!”

“You’re already planning to fall asleep! At least act like you’re making an effort to stay awake!”

“Seven words in our math textbook is enough to put me to sleep.”

She couldn’t even last one line.

“No, no, we’re not worried about you, Shiren. It’s Sasara that we need to worry about.”

It was as though Sasara’s original personality had up and vanished. She was nothing but a shell of herself.

“This is bad news for me, too. Who’s going to protect me if one of my own guards is indisposed?” Ouka sighed, tired and a slight bit uneasy.

She’s right. Sasara has been working with Ouka since before coming to the school. She can be real blunt sometimes, but she’s surprisingly ni—

“Oh, if a bullet comes flying my way, I want you to take it for me, Ryouta.”

“You’re not being very nice to me!”

Standing in for Sasara and putting his life at risk for Ouka was standard fare.

“I’ll talk to Alfoncina about your posthumous Buddhist name, and we’ll give it to you for free.”

“Not comforting at all, thanks!”

“We’ll have it be the Genuine Haa-rem Boi. How about that?”

“Why do you have to humiliate me after death, too?!”

“We’ll have the best patisserie in the Empire prepare the ceremonial food for your funeral.”

“Even better, let’s imagine me surviving!”

“This certainly is a grave situation. Ouka without Sasara is just as vulnerable as a hero who has changed out of armor to regular clothes. What a mess she would be in if an assassin were to show up!” Kiyomizu interjected.

Everyone stared at her coolly.

“Wh-what? Did I say anything that might harm public order and morality?”

“Everyone was thinking, That’s rich, coming from you.”

Kiyomizu Jouryuuji was originally an assassin for the Virginal Father, an organization formed to strike down the Sacred Blooded.

She had also come to the Empire to take down his companion Shiren (or so she claimed, but in actuality she had just come to see Ryouta). Now she’d changed her tune and was attending a Sacred Blood high school like it was no big deal.

“But what Jouryuuji says is correct. We can’t leave Sasara like this,” Ouka said.

“Let me take a look at her.” Kiyomizu came to stand in front of Sasara and stared right into her eyes.

Her expression was gravely serious, like a sumo wrestler standing before the ring.

“I see. There is nothing physically wrong with her, but she should be all right if she emotionally relaxes a bit.”

“What? That was enough to tell? Kiyomizu, are you trained in medicine or fortune-telling or something?”

“Ryouta Dearest, I have gone through some very serious training in the past.”

“Yeah… I forgot, considering how you normally act. So can you do something about her?”

“I don’t have the tools to conduct a restorative prayer in this country. I cannot procure all of the various items my esoteric practices require.”

“Right. I’d assumed you had everything you’d need, but that’s obviously not true.”

“It might be possible with another religion. The religious head of this country might be able to do something.”

Well, she does go to school here, Ryouta thought.

Finally, lunchtime rolled around.

They gathered in the nurse’s office.

“I heard what happened~. I’ll be sure to help Sasara recover safely~.”

They decided to go with a ritual to revive Sasara with Alfoncina’s help.

Ouka had brought Sasara to the nurse’s office, and Ryouta, Shiren, and Kiyomizu had tagged along.

“Why the nurse’s office?” Ouka looked doubtfully at Alfoncina.

“Because the nurse’s office has beds. And it’s easier to do when she’s lying down.”

Sasara was resting quietly on one of the beds, although her mind was still somewhere else.

“Okay, but why are you wearing that?”

Inexplicably, Alfoncina was dressed as a nurse. “This is a ceremonial outfit in the Holy Church of the Sacred Blood. The white cloth symbolizes purity and lack of falsehoods.”

“The embroidery on your chest says MEDICAL CORPORATION SACRED BLOOD COUNCIL SACRED BLOOD HOSPITAL.”

She must have borrowed it.

“This is a ceremonial outfit in the Holy Church of the Sacred Blood. The white cloth symbolizes purity and lack of falsehoods.”

“Hey!” cried Ouka. “You repeated yourself! You always start acting like an NPC once things get inconvenient!”

“I understand how you feel, Ouka, but that isn’t helping us! Let’s just listen to what she says!” Ryouta interjected, knowing they might never leave if he didn’t. They wouldn’t be finished by the end of lunch if Ouka kept commenting on every little thing.

“So what is it you’re planning on doing, Alfoncina?” asked Shiren. “Explain it in a way that we can understand.”

“In short, her brain has jammed, thanks to too many thoughts taking over her mind. I suppose it would be like stuffing a room so full of cushions that it’s impossible to push open the door.”

“So we just need to remove the cushions, then.”

“Exactly~. Which means Sasara will return to her old self if she can discharge some of those pent-up feelings. Of course, we must do something about whatever caused her to enter this state, or we’ll soon be back where we started.”

Ouka didn’t completely buy this. “But with that metaphor, how are you supposed to open the door to get all the cushions out? We’ve tried talk therapy all morning, but she doesn’t react.”

“It’s the same idea, Ouka~.” Alfoncina grinned. “I’ll temporarily open the door with a much, much stronger shock. I’m going to bring Sasara’s excitement to unthinkable levels~.”

“Uh-oh…” Ouka’s face went bright red, probably because she sensed something terrible coming. “Let me say this now…that I’m not going to kiss her. I—I know I joke about it a lot, but I haven’t had my first kiss yet…and no matter how dear a friend she is to me, I’m not so sure about giving it to her…”

“Ohhh? Your face tells me you have a specific someone in mind that you want to give your first kiss to~.” Alfoncina’s grin widened.

“N-not really… Kisses are so important to the Sacred Blooded… And I’m the emperor, so my kisses have political repercussions…”

Alfoncina must have hit a sore spot; Ouka’s usual mischievous spirit was gone.

Shiren and Kiyomizu acted a bit huffy at seeing this side of Ouka.

“I don’t like that expression on you, Big Sis. It’s not fun,” Shiren said.

“What a coincidence. I also feel a bit unsettled,” Kiyomizu said.

“You’re the emperor; have some majesty! The infatuated teen bit doesn’t suit you.”

“I think the same. Please just hook up with some prince of another land, already.”

Shiren and Kiyomizu have really been on the same page recently, Ryouta thought absently to himself in the back. Nothing would make him happier than to see them get along.

“No need to worry~. You won’t be touching Sasara at all, Ouka~.”

“That’s a relief to hear. An emperor has enough to worry about, you know. A lot…”

“That’s why I plan on using an avatar of you instead.”

An avatar?

Everyone there was wondering what that could possibly mean.

“You could call it a copy, in a sense, that has some of Ouka’s characteristics~.”

You can do that?

“What are you using for that? I haven’t brought anything special to school.”

“Oh, it’s all right~. Sasara already had the avatar of you, and it was in the school.”

“Wh-what? Out with it! Tell me!”

“I have it just behind that curtain. What, oh what, could it be~?”

Now that she mentioned it, there was an outline of something pressing against the fabric.

“I’m sorry you’re all into it now, but I’m not in the mood for a quiz. Show us!” The emperor whipped back the curtain.

There sat an Ouka body pillow.

“What is THIS?!!!!!!!!!!”

“A body pillow.”

“I know what it’s called! Sheesh… This is a sight I won’t soon forget. Ugh…”

“You didn’t even try to hide how you felt about it. Especially the part about it being gross.”

Ryouta had never seen such a raw reaction from her before.

It was even rarer to see her flinch so hard at the sight of something.

“Why am I wearing a gym uniform and bloomers?! Our school uniform doesn’t even have bloomers! None of the schools in the Empire do! And it’s so tight. You should have picked a looser-fitting outfit. And my shirt isn’t tucked in, so for a second it doesn’t look like I’m wearing anything underneath…”

Ouka was trembling—full-on shaking, really.

Ryouta wasn’t sure if the emotion was anger or fear.

“Oh, and here’s the back, by the way~.” Alfoncina turned the body pillow around.

This image was of Ouka in her underwear. Lingerie would be a more apt word, if anything—and the mostly black ensemble was a titillating sight. Her expression was somehow sensual, somehow bewitching; her cheeks were a pale crimson, as though she wanted something from you.

Ouka was frozen for a short while.

“………………………………………………I sentence you to death.”

“Ouka, calm down! I know how you feel, but killing her is too much! Don’t abuse your power!”

“Then I shall do it legally through court-martial! E-even if I did allow this body pillow, this expression is forbidden! I-I-I’ve never looked at anyone like this before!”

“This avatar is powerful, isn’t it, if it can send the real thing to pieces so easily. Yes, yes.” Alfoncina seemed satisfied. Why, exactly, no one could say.

“A single piece of cloth can heavily damage one’s life. How terrifying.”

“I think the one who made this is damaged.”

“We’ll be doing another run of the Rouko body pillows.”

“You’re the archbishop! Is that allowed?!”

Alfoncina was also a manga artist under the pen name of Kin Hayashimori. You’re Rouko, I’m Kouko!, on sale now!

“There is no greater joy to an author than seeing her characters beloved by all.”

“Please, do you really think an archbishop should be doing all this?!”

“Well, let’s put the jokes aside for now.”

“I have no idea what’s a joke and what isn’t anymore…”

“I’ll use this avatar to pry open the door to Sasara’s heart.”

“This is worse than I thought…” Ouka groaned. Ryouta imagined she must be exhausted.

“As Sasara is lying on the bed, I’ll place the avatar on top. I’m certain the shock will open her door.”

“Just call it a body pillow! But will it really have any effect?”

“It’s all right. You could even call this a ritual. Don’t you think so, Kiyomizu?”

“Oh, yes. In Buddhist terms, this would be like the rite of becoming one with Vairocana, creator of space. If this girl worships the emperor as she would the gods and Buddha, then those things together could cause a miracle.”

“I dunno, listening to you talk makes me want to stop believing in Buddhism,” Ryouta quipped.

“I have often used a Ryouta body pillow to—”

“Okay, Kiyomizu.”

“So we just need to put this body pillow on her, then. Fine, I’ll do it. We’ll put the underwear side facedown…” Reluctantly holding the pillow, Ouka did the honors.

“Oh… Ah…” The catatonic Sasara finally reacted.

“Oh god, it actually worked…”

“Now we just need to wait for her door to open.”

“Ah… Haa… Ahhng… No… Ahn! Hng… I… Ahhhh…”

“She’s just making raunchy noises… Are you sure about this…?”

“Yes, that is the power of the avatar.”

“You mean the power of the body pillow! But she’s a lot more expressive now. Well, more lewd than expressive, really…”

Sasara’s expression certain made it clear what she was imagining…

Gulp.

Ryouta’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Oh, Ryouta, you’re not allowed to look at her! Turn around!”

“She’s exactly right, Ryouta. Go look at the shelves over there. Read the medicine labels or something.”

“Indeed, you mustn’t be flustered listening to these lewd noises. You cannot look this way.”

Shiren and Kiyomizu worked together to pull Ryouta away.

“Fine… There’s a lot that’s wrong with this situation…”

“And cover your ears.”

“You should cover your ears.”

“I get it, I get it!”

And then, thirty seconds later—

“Ah… Haaaugh… HaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Hmm? What have I…?” Sasara awakened.

“You’re back, Sasara!”

“I feel as though I was in the middle of a long dream… But my head is so clear right now. I feel as though I’ve become a sage. I’ve come to understand true wisdom.”

“You’re just having postcoital clarity.”

“Post…what?”

“…Nothing.”

“Why is this body pillow on me?”

She really did get her consciousness back with that. A body pillow wasn’t to be underestimated.

“There’s something I need to ask you, Sasara.”

“L-Lady Ouka…what might it be? You aren’t confessing your love to me, are you? I would gladly embrace a romance across the lines of class. Or if you would rather we run away, I will go with you to Abashiri or to Siberia—”

“What is this body pillow?”

“It depends on how many I get produced at one time, but one usually goes for roughly five thousand to six thousand sacred yen. One place has been making me batches of twenty at a time. I am spending quite a bit of money, since mine are a special order for personal use, but the high-quality fabric is worth the extra money.”

“I’m not asking about the production side of things!”

Everyone else in the room needed to watch Ouka closely in case she decided to strike Sasara for this.

“Ouka, I understand how you feel, but please hold it in!”

“I’ll get answers about these body pillows out of you next time… Ahem.” Ouka cleared her throat and shifted gears. “Sasara, something big’s been weighing on your mind, hasn’t it? That’s the reason you’ve been so distracted, right?”

“W-well…” Sasara hung her head.

Yeah, something was up.

“Say it. We can’t have you freezing like this again. I don’t want to fire my own personal guard.”

“No, please do not! Oh… Ryouta Fuyukura is here, too…”

When Sasara and Ryouta’s eyes met, Sasara seemed even more pained.

“Should I not be here…?” Ryouta asked. Really, he should have left when the whole avatar business started, but it was too late for that.

“I do not think so, since this is a private matter…” Sasara’s face went even redder. She couldn’t hide it anymore. After a few moments of silence, she sighed. “Actually… I am to attend a formal marriage matchmaking meeting.”

Time seemed to stop—most high schoolers didn’t talk about this sort of thing at all.

“Aren’t you a little young for that?” Ryouta asked. “Well, you are a noble. Is this normal?”

“More or less. It is not unusual for nobility to settle on a marriage partner before they reach adulthood. But a formal wedding would be held at a later date. The earliest being after graduating from university.”

“Huh… That’s hard for a commoner like me to imagine…”

If he’d had that news dropped on him out of nowhere, he might end up freezing from the shock, too. This very thing had happened to Sasara anyway.

“I am still not ready…” Sasara hung her head again. She really hated this idea, more than he’d thought.

“Sasara.” Ouka clapped her hand on Sasara’s shoulder. There was a divine smile on her face.

“Are you going to save me, Lady Ouka?! Oh, yes, you would never abandon me, Lady Ouka!”

“Go to the matchmaking meeting.”

“…L-Lady Ouka?”

“It’s perfect. You are a noble, and for those of your status, it’s best to settle on who you’re going to marry sooner rather than later. I think it’s best you find a nice boy to keep now, and just forget about this unrequited love of yours. Feel free to find a partner. Oh, I’m so thoughtful of my retainers.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t do that! That’s like rubbing salt in the wound!” Ryouta stepped in. This would be too much for Sasara.

“What? I haven’t said anything strange. If she was being forced when she was already dating someone, that would be another story. But Sasara isn’t dating anyone.”

“Lady Ouka, let’s—”

“Right? You have no one.”

“You just ignore her when it’s convenient for you, don’t you…?”

Sasara/Ouka was rapidly sinking, which wasn’t much of a surprise.

“It’s not like you’re holding a wedding. It’s just a meeting. If you don’t like him, then you can say no. Maybe he’s only into figurines and body pillows, and you can throw him out.”

“I know what you’re trying to say, but Sasara would be kind of a hypocrite if she refused for that reason…”

The Ouka body pillow was still on the bed. Please, someone take that thing away.

“But you can say no, so it’s not a bad idea just to meet him. Explore all your options.”

“I wouldn’t be so upset if I could say no that easily…” Sasara was not being cheered. Her head drooped lower and lower…and straight into the body pillow.

“Sasara! What on earth are you trying to do?!”

“Please help me, Lady Ouka. Hnnng…the smell of sweat on your gym uniform is so sweet… Hnnng…”

“Stop talking to the pillow! Why are you pretending this is happening after gym class?! You do not have the right to profit from my image! Give me royalties!”

“Royalties are not the issue here! Calm down, both of you! This conversation is getting way off track! Is there a reason why you can’t just say no, Sasara?” Ryouta righted the course.

“There is. It isn’t just a meeting. My father fully intended for me to marry a nobleman from the beginning… I remember hearing about it before…”

“Well, it is matchmaking for the nobility, after all… That’s probably a part of the whole thing…”

Though it was compulsory for her, the meeting was considered a formality to gain both parties’ consent.

“My father told me that if I wanted to cancel the meeting, then I should bring along another prospective partner. The one I’m meeting is their top contender, and he plans on pairing me up with him since no one else is as good…”

“Oh, that is a nuisance. The inability to choose must be so troubling. How awful he would be if he turns out to be the type to moan into body pillows. I would run away from home if I were paired with a pervert who moaned into body pillows.”

“You really hate that body pillow, huh?”

“Should I not? Would you rather I say, Wow, thanks for making me into a body pillow? I could never. That would be like Shiren getting fifty percent on a math test.”

“Don’t insult your little sister! I bet she could get fifty percent if she put in the work! C’mon, Shiren, say something!” Ryouta complained.

“Yeah, that would never happen.” Shiren acknowledged the impossibility in a snap. “Some things simply aren’t meant to be. You’re so wise, Big Sis.”

“Does she have no idea she’s being mocked…? She is an honest-to-Buddha fool…” Kiyomizu flinched back from Shiren a bit as well.

“Oh yeah, I just thought of something. Why don’t we take a picture of Sasara all over this body pillow and then show it to the guy? He might even call off the meeting.” Ryouta smiled confidently. It was a pretty slick idea, if he did say so himself.

“That would not be enough… He is the type to say I will love you through all your faults.”

“I’ve got a feeling this is going to be a good, openhearted guy… But there’s no point if Sasara’s not happy with it. I guess our only choice is to ruin the meeting itself. Oh, and that’s easy, too.” Ryouta came up with another great idea. “We could just cancel it on Ouka’s orders. Sasara’s father would have no choice but to obey if the emperor herself commanded it.”

Ouka snorted. “Ha. Commoners never think things through.” She didn’t pull her punches.

“Was…what I said that embarrassing?”

“If this were a matter of national importance, I would step in, of course. That is the emperor’s job, after all. But a matchmaking meeting is a domestic problem for the Tatsunami family. The emperor has no right to meddle. The only case where I could interfere would involve a marriage to someone from an enemy country.”

She had a point; it was terrifying to imagine the state commanding A and B to marry, or C and D to start dating.

“It’s normal for noble families to discuss matchmaking, and the boy is a noble, too, isn’t he? I have no grounds to cancel it.”

Then the only other option was—

“That means we’ll have to find another candidate. You just need a stand-in, right? Someone can just act as Sasara’s boyfriend for a short period.”

“That would be difficult…” Ouka frowned. “First, the candidate would have to at least be a noble. He won’t be considered at all otherwise. And Sasara—”

“The people of this world can be divided into me, Lady Ouka, and others.”

“—As you can see, Sasara has never thought about boys at all. She is not close to any male nobles. And even if we ask one to act as a stand-in, he’ll just end up running away. This whole thing is a truly life-threatening situation.”

“Life-threatening? How?”

Were these meetings really that dangerous? Was there a rule that matchmaking in the Sacred Blood Empire had to take place in a war zone?

“Nobles have all sorts of rules and etiquette, but I’m not inclined to go to the trouble of explaining.” Ouka sighed. “We really don’t have anyone…” She sighed again. Not even Ouka the tactician could come up with a perfect plan.

“It’s all right. This is fate. I shall go to the meeting. I won’t be marrying him straightaway, so I’ll find a way…” Sasara’s lips were trembling. She was frightened—so frightened that she had to hide her fear behind the word fate.

“I apologize for making you worry. Lunch will be over soon, so I should also return to the—”

“W-wait! Just let me think a little longer! Trust me!” Ouka was panicking. She seemed conflicted. “We just have to send in some noble boy for the matchmaking, right…? And a member of my personal guard would have an especially suitable position… And in that case, I do have some ideas. That’s all right so far.” It sounded like Ouka had already picked someone out for the job. “But it’s still a matchmaking meeting. If we present him as a candidate, you might marry him immediately… Maybe I should quietly change the law…” Whatever her idea was, she was hesitant to take that option.

“I understand what you’re thinking, Big Sis. But I don’t think that’s a good idea…? See, I’d say it would be…unnatural, or something, to send a human that’s essentially someone else’s minion as a candidate… I’m…I’m certain you can come up with a better idea. Why don’t we keep consulting right here!” Shiren had a lot on her mind, too.

“Can’t the both of you just say who you’re thinking of? We can’t do anything without—”

““Shut up, Ryouta!””

“Agh! Shot down in perfect unison!”

Somewhat cowed, Ryouta turned his gaze away—and his eyes suddenly met with Sasara’s.

Her expression was anxious, like a swimmer flailing for something to grab on to; it was entirely unfitting for a warrior.

I can’t just leave her when she’s so obviously upset. We have to help her.

He couldn’t ignore someone in pain, and his hand rose on its own. “What if I do it?”

Everyone there turned to look at him.

“Ryouta, are you sure you’ve thought this through?” said Ouka. “This is a big decision, you know? You’re not just going to hang out for a bit.”

“Consider it carefully, Ryouta!” added Shiren. “I’m sure a great idea that will neatly solve this whole thing and benefit all of us and all of society will fall right into our laps!”

Both sisters seemed pretty desperate to stop him.

“There is no need for you to do such thing, Ryouta dearest! You simply need to live for me! I know you are kind, but please just ignore everything else!”

“Kiyomizu, aren’t Buddhist families supposed to be more, y’know, selfless…?”

If they were, those Buddhist values hadn’t been instilled too deeply into her.

“O-of course, I’ll offer charitable donations—lending a hand to someone in need is a laudable practice. But…”

“Right? Shiren’s also told me that I should serve people in trouble, and I figured this counts… So I just…”

“Oh! You may be right…”

“Yeah! And aren’t I technically like one of Ouka’s personal guard? That’d be perfect for a temporary candidate, then. I’m also one of Sasara’s classmates. It’s not like you could call up some random master swordsman she’s never met, right?”

Ouka and Shiren stared scornfully at him.

Wait, did I say something wrong…?

“You’re right, Ryouta. That is a good, sound argument… It’s such a good argument that it pains me…”

“I suppose we have no choice… Go on, serve someone in need, then…”

They both seemed to hate the idea, but they did give in.

“Okay, Ryouta, let me remind you of one thing as your master.” Shiren pointed at him sternly.

“What is it?”

“Don’t you dare, don’t you dare, make a mistake!”

“A mistake? What do you—?”

“I mean a mistake. There is no other word for it. Your role is to obstruct the marriage matchmaking. That is all. Be aware that you do nothing more than that!”

“I know that…”

And so he got his master’s permission.

“—Well, there you have it, Sasara. I’ll go stop this meeting.” Ryouta pointed to himself.

“What…?” Sasara, who had been absently listening to their conversation, inhaled sharply.

“I may not look like much, but I am technically a noble. Ouka even formally gave me a sword. I know it’s not traditional, but that does make me qualify, right?”

“Y-you misunderstand… I do not like you at all, not-one-bit…” Sasara’s mumbling sped up as her face went red.

Ryouta couldn’t remember seeing her so nervous.

“I know that. But you need a guy to go with you to ruin the meeting, so, y’know, it’s better than nothing,” Ryouta said.

If she was going to cry, then she should at least do so knowing she’d put up a good fight.

Ryouta had escaped plenty of sticky situations by stubbornly refusing to throw in the towel. He just needed to do the same this time.

“Are you truly sure about this?” Sasara asked.

“I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.”

“Why would you go so far to help me…?”

“I mean, you’re my classmate, so I gotta lend a hand, right? I think you’d do the same for me.”

“Have you made up your mind? This isn’t just carrying my books to class or something.”

“Well, obviously. But I still plan on carrying out my job.”

“This is the point of no return.”

“You don’t have to remind me so many times; it’s getting annoying… I’ll do it! I’ll take care of it!”

“Very well. But victory will be terribly hard-won. You will have to do battle with the other man.”

“Huh? Battle?”

“Another man will be coming to the matchmaking meeting, and your presence will be an insult to the other noble. You will be unable to call off the meeting if you cannot defeat the other and prove your superiority.”

“See, life-threatening.” Ouka stared hard at Ryouta. “That’s why I wasn’t sure if I should single you out. After you volunteered yourself, so there’s not much else I can do.”

Ryouta was beginning to suspect that he’d signed his own death warrant. “Who is the other guy anyway? I mean, I’ve still participated in a few fights, so if he’s a novice…”

“Masatsuna Toraha—my cousin and martial arts master, said to be the strongest swordsman of the younger generation. I believe he won first prize in the under-twenty division in the last sword fighting tournament.”

“What…?”

“Ah, he was also a kendo champion in Japan before the Empire was established. They called him Masatsuna the Tiger.”

“What…?”

“And he’s very serious. He values his honor, so he will be very cross if he hears of another man coming to the meeting. And the battle will be a serious affair. No one will be tried for a crime if the outcome is fatal. I hope you are ready.”

“I don’t want to be ready…”

Pat, pat.

Ouka patted Ryouta on the shoulder.

Pat, pat.

Alfoncina did the same.

“What is it, you two?”

““A posthumous name will cost 500,000 sacred yen.””

“Don’t assume I’m going to die! And you said it was going to be free this morning, Ouka!”

How selfish were they?!

It was Kiyomizu’s turn to put a less-than-reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I will, of course, give you a free posthumous name, a free funeral, and build your grave in the best spot.”

“Thanks, I appreciate the sentiment! Could you all do something about this while I’m still alive?!”

Ouka placed her hand on her chin to think. “Then perhaps I’ll collect the funds to build a memorial hall honoring you just in case something happens, Ryouta. It’s not like we’ll be able to build it right after you die.”

“I’m not talking about plans for my death! I’ll survive! I will survive, just you watch!”

“We’ll place all the copies of your Kairakuten magazines on display.”

“You’re just doing this to spite me! And I’ve never bought any of those! I don’t buy porn mags!”

Poke, poke.

It wasn’t a pat this time.

Shiren was jabbing her fingers into Ryouta’s eyes. “Owwwwwwwww! Why did you pick then to poke my eyes?!”

“Sorry. My anger just flared up, and my fingers went right into your eyes. I regret it now. I’ll carry this guilt with me for at least the next two or three minutes.”

“Instant noodles take longer than that!”

Shiren was oddly upset. She pulled on his collar to bring him closer. “Whenever you’re around girls, you… Agh! I’m so mad!”

Sasara watched Shiren guiltily.

“My, you certainly have your hands full~,” said Alfoncina. “I must do what I can as your archbishop to alleviate your worries~. Depending on your donation, of course.”

“Everything comes down to money with you!”

“Hmm, well, part of that wasn’t actually a joke…”

“Indeed. It was not a very good joke,” Kiyomizu agreed before approaching Alfoncina and whispering to her.

“So it’s happening, then? It must be dangerous,” Alfoncina mused.

“Calamity approaches.”

“Will we be able to avoid it?”

“That depends on how much effort we put into averting it, but… No, I will protect Ryouta dearest!”

“You’re right, I suppose nothing is set in stone yet, is it?”

Alfoncina and Kiyomizu nodded to each other.

Ryouta, still entirely clueless, just hoped the pain in his eyes would go away soon.