Chapter 33: Hors d’Oeuvres

Chapter 33:
Hors d’Oeuvres

Tedd, the halfling adventurer, waited impatiently for the ethereal food.

“C’mon, c’mon.”

He kicked his legs back and forth, resisting the urge to listen to his empty stomach and order something else.

When Tedd last visited the restaurant seven days ago, he was shocked to find a great deal of his kind present. He got swept up in the excitement and spent far too much money on that visit, resulting in his current conundrum. Tedd’s stomach was empty, and his wallet was in a similar condition. He had borrowed just enough money from a friend to be able to pay for “that” and some drinks, but absolutely nothing else.

Seven days ago, Tedd ordered what was considered to be a legendary dish among the halflings. A single plate was the most expensive item on the Restaurant to Another World’s menu, but it also provided the most food. Not only was it not ordinarily listed on the menu, it took a great deal of work to prepare, so it was impossible to eat on the day it was ordered. Instead, one would come by seven days later to pick up the order.

Truth be told, it didn’t actually take a full seven days to prepare. If a customer made an order two days before they intended to eat, the master could have it ready. But because the residents of the other world only had access to Nekoya once every seven days, there wasn’t much anyone could do about it.

As halflings were rarely able to stay in one place, due to their immense curiosity for the world, most spent their entire lives hearing about the legendary dish from other customers.

Fortunately for Tedd, his predecessors were the wisest of foodies.

Halflings rarely gathered together in large groups, but these specific ones not only did so, but did immense research and mapping. Over one hundred halflings ultimately came together to plot a course between two doors that was exactly seven days’ travel by foot. By using the path between those doors, even halflings had a way to access the legendary dish that so many spoke of. Fortunately for them, the food was so delicious that it was absolutely worth all the hard work the halflings put into trying to eat it. It satisfied both their stomachs and curiosity.

That was how the halflings of the Eastern Continent began traveling the path between the two doors just so they could grab a bite of the dish in question. Tedd was indeed one of those very people. While adventuring with his comrades, he discovered they would be passing along the path, and so, seven days prior, he made his order.

“Thanks for waiting. Here’s your number two hors d’oeuvre set.”

“Wahoo!” Tedd cheered. “It’s finally here!”

Hors d’oeuvre, a plate filled with both the flavors of the mountains and ocean. Tedd needed to use the fingers on both his hands to count the quantity of dishes sitting in front of him. Truly a legendary meal.

“Oh me, oh my. This is incredible.”

The master had set down a strange plate that was neither metal, wood, or ceramic. It carefully divided the different foods from each other, making sure they didn’t mix. Tedd delicately caressed the container.

It was still hot; the master must have just finished preparing it. Tedd looked through the translucent cover at the various delicious colors, tempted to immediately start digging in. But he wanted to go ahead and enjoy the beer he bought with it.

He nodded to the master. “I’ll be on my way then. Cheers!”

“Thank you! We’ll be looking forward to your next visit.”

Tedd somehow managed to hold himself back, thanking the master and exiting the restaurant.

“Righty-o! I better hurry home before this gets cold!”

The halfling man began dashing, careful not to spill the contents of the strange dish he was given. In order to get his hands on the hors d’oeuvre plate, he had to borrow money from his friend. He hurried to them to fulfill the promise he’d made when he first took their money.

***

The group of adventurers had just finished preparing for the evening at their campsite, erecting a rain-resistant tent that stood tall on the grounds. The adventurers were waiting for the return of their comrade, who had gone off in search of food.

“Geez. Where the hell did Tedd get off to? That dummy.” Galius angrily stomped his stubby feet on the ground. He was a dwarf warrior clad in metal armor, and he was clearly operating on an empty stomach.

“Now, now. Have some patience,” said Albert, the leader of this merry band of adventurers. “It’s all thanks to Tedd that this journey has gone so well in the first place. I’m sure he’s thought of something.”

Albert came from a family of knights. His body was clad in leather armor, with metal plates covering his vitals. At his waist was a magic sword that he had been given when he left his home to begin his journey.

“Hmph, I can’t imagine he’s got anything lofty going through that head of his.”

Galius snorted and went quiet, one of his habits. It wasn’t as though he didn’t recognize Tedd’s achievements and talents. The tiny man recommended they take this “Hors d’oeuvre Road,” popular among his kind. As it turned out, it was an incredible shortcut. While they had to navigate their way through several dangerous dens of monsters and beasts, it took them less than two weeks to travel across an area that would normally take a month or more.

Zack, a skilled fighter, leaned forward. “Well, we do have Tedd to thank for this nice and relaxing journey of ours, no? I mean, I knew Tedd was on the up and up when it came to travel routes and the like, but I didn’t think he had something like this up his sleeve.”

The demon warrior’s body was covered in hard, red lizard scales. He was more than aware that halflings, Tedd included, were all tremendously skilled with their hands and with the various foibles of travel, but this was well beyond what he expected.

“But I wonder why Tedd specifically wanted us to set up camp here? Is there something around these parts?”

Rydia surveyed her surroundings as she spoke up. She was a half-elf from the forest capital and was a talented swordswoman and magic-user. Over her normal clothes she wore a thin mantle infused with magic, and at her waist was a mythril rapier. As far as she could tell, there were no dangerous monsters in the area. There was, however, a source of water nearby. All things considered, this was a great spot for camping out. The only problem was that by the time they settled here, the sun had yet to begin its trek westward. If they hurried, they should’ve been able to reach the nearest town with little effort.

And yet Tedd had insisted on camping in this specific spot. Since so much of this journey’s success was thanks to Tedd’s guidance, they decided to let him have his way, but that didn’t make the whole thing any less confusing.

“Beats me,” Sash chimed in. “All I know is that before he ran off, he came and borrowed six silver coins from me. He was all, ‘I’ll treat you all to a feast beyond your wildest imaginations, so please lend me some cash!’ Weird, right?”

Sasha was a priestess of the Lord of Water and wore his silver seal. She had thick, straight black hair fitting of someone from the Western Continent. She wore a strange set of clothes made by a diviner there.

Sasha couldn’t imagine that there’d be anywhere to spend money in a place like this, but she could tell by the look in Tedd’s eyes that he was serious.

“A feast?” the other four adventurers had replied in unison. There were no settlements even remotely nearby. How could he treat them to a feast?

Albert gave it some thought before voicing his opinion. “Maybe there’s some sort of delicious food that can only be harvested around here?”

“But then that doesn’t explain the coins,” said Rydia.

“Hrm, good point.”

Rydia’s interjection easily derailed Albert’s hypothesis. If there were a food like that around these parts, they’d have heard the rumors.

Zack decided to change the topic. They could theorize all they wanted, but they wouldn’t get a proper answer until Tedd returned. “A feast, eh? What do y’all think of when you hear that word?”

“Ain’t it obvious? Since the beginning of time that’s meant meat and booze!”

Galius stated his opinion as if it were fact. Fatty meat and booze. It didn’t matter the time or the place, so long as you had those two things, you had yourself a feast. And then there was that new whiskey stuff that had the dwarf world talking. It was supposedly delicious and strong as hell. One of the dwarves he met not too long ago on the road shared a cup of the stuff with him, and it was indeed incredible. He’d love some of that right about now.

“You’re so boring! This is why dwarves are so frustrating… I’d personally love some fresh vegetables. Oh, and young elf beans would be delightful around this time of the year.”

Rydia dismissed Galius’s answer and went on to suggest her own idea of a feast. Despite both of her parents being full elves, she was a half-elf changeling. Compared to the other elves who lived in the capital, not only were her magical powers weaker, but she had a shorter lifespan as well. It didn’t take long for it to become difficult for her to stay in her homeland, so she eventually left. Nearly ten years had passed since then, which meant she’d had ample time to grow used to eating meat and fish. She still wasn’t terribly fond of them, however, and often found herself reminiscing about the taste of her homeland.

Unfortunately, there were barely any people in the human world who grew elf beans.

Sasha recalled the scent of the ocean from the fishermen’s village she called her home as she stared off into the distance. “I’m all about that fresh fish from the sea! Oh, and shripe are delicious as well.”

The only way to get one’s hands on fresh and fatty fish that were light on bones was to live in a town near the ocean. Sasha’s favorite dish, a red-hot soup made from boiled shripe and chili pepels, was increasingly rare outside of the small island she called home in the Ocean Nation. Much time had passed since she’d left for the Eastern Continent for her training, but she had only stumbled upon the dish a handful of times.

“A feast, eh…? Actually, when I was a kid, I always used to look forward to the sweets I got to eat on days of celebration and the like.” Albert recalled a distant memory from his childhood.

The treat from his memories was made of wheat, milk, and eggs baked together with a plentiful amount of honey. It then had a dash of sugar sprinkled atop. Albert remembered it being so sweet he thought his teeth would melt. As the third son of a noble family, he rarely got the chance to eat it himself. This made days of celebration that much more exciting for him.

“I’m all about eggs. When I was just a brat, I would drop by this stand in the imperial capital that sold croquettes. Those were the best!”

Zack was the last one to give his thoughts on what he felt a feast was. He merrily spoke of the food he enjoyed when he lived in the imperial capital, a city in one of the very few nations that allowed the presence of demons: an egg dish that was only made on special days, and croquettes, a delicious food made from mashing cobbler’s tubers into round balls and frying them in wheat crumbs. Even as an adult, Zack struggled to forget these two great flavors.

“…Haha, not even one of us mentioned the same food. How ’bout that?” Albert was amused by how the five of them each had their own idea of what a “feast” was.

Sasha nodded in response to the group’s leader. “We all hail from different places after all.”

They’d worked together as a team of adventurers for five years now. The group had seen some members come and go, with Tedd being the sixth person they’d welcomed into their ranks. Every single adventurer on the team had a unique history, so of course their concepts of what a feast constituted would be different.

The group shared a laugh over this.

“I’m back! Sorry about the wait! I hope y’all are ready for one helluva feast!”

And so Tedd finally returned from his little side quest, his voice bright and energetic, a far cry from the nostalgic tone of his team’s previous conversation.

This marked the beginning of their party.

***

The five adventurers locked their eyes on the plate. They had no idea how, but Tedd had gotten his hands on a proper feast. The halfling set it down atop a rock for all to see.

“Whoa, whoa, hey now. Am I dreamin’ or something? Tedd, what the hell kinda magic did you use to get your hands on this?” Galius asked the question the rest of the team had on the tip of their tongues.

“Mm, I can’t give you the details, but if I had to describe it in a few words…teleportation magic?”

Tedd delivered his answer with bizarre levity. If word of this location ever got out, some jerk would inevitably try to take control of it. Then nobody would ever have access to hors d’oeuvres ever again. It was imperative that the halflings kept the “Hors d’oeuvre Door” a secret. This was a rule shared among his people, and Tedd had no intention of breaking it.

Rydia asked, “So what is this stuff? It’s all pretty weird looking.”

She looked at the strange plate in front of her. It was oddly thin, made from some sort of material she’d never seen before. All manner of food was piled atop it.

“Oh, well, it’s called hors d’oeuvres. It’s got meat, fish, vegetables, and all kinds of other different foods. Apparently, it’s used primarily for big parties,” Tedd explained with a smile, almost as though he’d been waiting for the opportunity to explain his find to his friends.

“And this stuff here is called beer. It’s a type of ale. Lemme tell you, it’s cold and delicious. Ah, and I got you some whiskey, Galius.”

Tedd took out his trusty knife and used it to pop open the brown glass bottle of ale. He then proceeded to pour its contents out into each of his teammate’s mugs. Finally, Tedd handed Galius a small bottle the size of his hand filled with brown alcohol.

“Now c’mon, folks, let’s dig in! Hors d’oeuvres are best hot!”

With the drinks out of the way, Tedd passed out paper plates and white forks made of some unknown material to his friends. He opened the translucent cover of the meal plate.

And just like that, the party found themselves in the center of an amazing aroma.

It was impossible to tell who had just gulped, but it was clear that every single one of them wanted to dig in immediately.

“Th-then I suppose we should just go for it, yeah?” Albert spoke up as the representative of his party, and the five adventurers each reached out toward the plate.

Galius took a sip of the alcohol that Tedd had handed him and happily cried out, “By my axe! Th-this is that new-fangled whiskey, ain’t it?!”

As the liquid spread through his mouth, he found it was just as strong and uniquely aromatic as the liquor the traveling dwarf shared with him on that fateful day. If anything, its flavor appeared to be even higher in quality.

“Ain’t nothing better than meat and booze!” he said.

Tremendously grateful for this chance encounter with the delicious drink in his hands, Galius reached for some meat off the plate. He grabbed a ball of chicken meat fried in oil and some sort of fried food with minced meat and oranie stuffed inside of it. He brought them both to his mouth.

The skin of the fatty and gingery chicken meat crumpled into pieces with each chew, leaving behind the delicious meat juices in its wake. Meanwhile, the fried minced meat tasted of pork and slightly sweet oranie. These two flavors fused with that of the aromatic skin and spread throughout the dwarf’s mouth. As the meat juices made their way across his tongue, he took a swig of his whiskey, washing out the flavor of meat from his mouth. It was scrumptious. No matter how many times he tried this combination out, he showed no signs of growing tired of it.

“Ah, Galius. If you’re gonna be digging into the fried chicken and the mince pork cutlet, you should try putting on some of that juice from that yellow thing over there. Oh, and the pork cutlet goes amazing with that black sauce.”

“Mm. Mmmm?!”

Galius did as his friend instructed and poured some of the yellow juice on top of the fried chicken before taking another bite.

He was rendered speechless (not that he could speak with his mouth full). The juice added an unspeakably fresh, sour bite to the chicken. Meanwhile, the black sauce transformed what Tedd called as mince pork cutlet dish into something else entirely. Both toppings had completely changed the flavor profiles of their respective foods.

“This be unbelievable!”

The dwarf man downed some more whiskey and continued shoveling food into his mouth. He wouldn’t stop until there was nothing more to eat.

***

Meanwhile, Sasha focused entirely on eating the fish in front of her.

This is tremendously good, but what sort of fish is it?

She couldn’t recall having ever tasted a fish like this. It was fatty like tuna, but it was also like tilapia in that it lacked a strong scent. The meat itself was uniquely pink-ish, tasting as though the red and white fish had been fused together to create a single new flavor.

It paired amazingly with the milky-white, sour sauce.

Where could this fish have come from…?

Sasha continued munching on her food as she pondered the origins of Tedd’s feast. It was then that she heard his voice.

“Whoa now! This is shripe?! Dang, so not only can you fry ’em and make a gratin out of ’em, but they even go great with spicy seasoning!”

Did he say shripe?!

Sasha instinctively reacted to the word and reached over to grab some of what Tedd was eating. It was a square surrounded by some sort of fried wrapping. At first glance, it didn’t appear to be anything special. Sasha stabbed her fork into it and brought it up to her mouth.

“…Oh my gosh, this really is gosh dang shripe, ain’t it?! E-er…pardon me.”

In her excitement, Sasha briefly slipped into the same verbiage she used when she used to live in her small fishing village. Her face turned bright red as she tried to focus on enjoying the food in her mouth.

And boy, was that food something else. It was undoubtedly the flavor of fresh shripe, and it had soaked up the hot seasoning of the chili pepel as well. This meant that every bite allowed her to experience the flavor of the crunchy skin as well as the spice. Sasha felt as though she had returned to her hometown for the first time in years.

“I can’t believe this…” she said. “It’s so delicious. It truly is incredible!”

Sasha was unable to hold back tears. This was the nostalgic flavor of her homeland, a taste she had yet to experience since leaving on her adventure so many moons ago. She refused to let anyone else indulge in the food in front of her.

***

Elf beans. These were undoubtedly elf beans boiled in salt.

I never thought I’d run into these out here of all places.

Rydia kept her surprise to herself as she reached over and grabbed elf bean after elf bean, dumping them into her mouth. These were young elf beans with just the right amount of salt, and they went harmoniously with the ale Tedd had poured for her and her companions.

There wasn’t much of a drinking culture in the forest capital, which meant ale was hard to come by. On the other hand, boiled elf beans were pretty much impossible to find outside of the forest capital or woods with elven communities. Needless to say, the combination of ale and elf bean was entirely unknown to Rydia until this very moment, so she was genuinely stunned by how well they went together.

I could eat this forever, she thought.

There was only one, huge, problem. The plate of food Tedd brought back simply didn’t have that many beans on it. It didn’t take long before Rydia had nearly made her way through all of them.

I guess that’s it for tonight’s dinner then. Too bad.

Rydia couldn’t get herself in the mood to eat meat or fish after indulging in her people’s food. While it pained her to admit it, her part in this feast was over.

…Or so she thought.

“Mm, kucumber and miso is the way to go, no doubt.”

Rydia’s sharp ears twitched as they caught Tedd speaking to himself.

Miso?

The half-elf looked toward Tedd upon hearing the strange word. Her eyes settled on the halfling man and the food he was merrily chewing. It was a green kucumber with some sort of brown paste topping on it. Seeing Tedd eat any kind of vegetable was odd, considering he wasn’t much of a fan of the stuff.

He said “miso,” right? Is that this paste?

Rydia replicated Tedd’s actions, taking a fresh piece of kucumber and topping it with the brown paste.

It has a strong scent, but the adventurer confirmed there was no sign of meat or fish in the “miso,” and took a bite. With a satisfying crunch, the fresh kucumber shifted around inside her mouth…

“What is this stuff?! It’s delish!” she exclaimed.

Rydia was the next of her party to raise her voice in stunned surprise. The mysterious miso substance was intensely salty but also incredibly delicious. She could sense the tang of fermented vegetables mixed in with the taste of the elf beans. It hit her like a ton of bricks.

The combination of the salty miso paste with the refreshingly light, watery flavor of the kucumber made for a feast in and of itself. It was only further amplified by pairing it with the rich flavor of the ale. This was by far the most delicious feast Rydia had ever had in her life, and that included her time spent in the forest capital.

Rydia shoveled kucumber after kucumber into her mouth in silence. She had to hurry; if any of her companions discovered this ultimate combo like she had, they’d start taking from her portion of the plate.

***

Huh, this has a slight sweetness to it. Oh, and this sausage is delightful as well.

The first thing Albert reached for was a mysterious, light brown food on a skewer. It was pork sausage of some kind, wrapped in a fried blanket of soft dough made from eggs and milk. The surface was thin and crunchy, a pleasant contrast to the soft and slightly sweet insides and carefully cooked juicy sausage. The sausage itself was well prepared, with a variety of spices that mixed well with its fatty flavor. As it turned out, this wonderfully complemented the faintly sweet dough. By applying some sauces—one red and sour, the other yellow and spicy—the entire flavor profile of the food shifted. This new combo went elegantly with the ale Tedd brought Albert and his companions.

There’s no doubt about it, Albert thought approvingly. This is the good stuff.

Albert reached for a second skewer, then a third. It didn’t take many bites for him to finish the small portion and wash it all down with some ale. He greatly enjoyed the faint sweetness to it all.

Then he overheard something.

“Ah, these are rum raisin sandwiches, eh? Yeah, they’re dang sweet. Mmph, and they go real well with alcohol.”

Tedd’s words reached Albert’s ears.

Did he say “sweet”?

The leader of the adventurers glanced over at what Tedd was munching on and found it on the main plate. Sandwiched between two pieces of brown, tough, baked treats were dried blackberries and some sort of white cream. Tedd had been eating them with his bare hands, so Albert did the same.

Albert’s eyes widened. Wh-whoa! It’s so sweet! My word, this is scrumptious!

The dried blackberries were both sweet and bitter, while the white cream tasted of sweet milk. The baked treat that surrounded these flavors was only lightly sweetened but nonetheless tasted of wheat. It worked wonders to bring out the alcohol-tinged flavor of the berries.

This is better than any of the sweets I had when I was younger. Let me see, just one more…

Satisfied with the flavor of the first sandwich, Albert began reaching for even more baked goods.

***

“Aaah! These eggs are top class!”

The first thing Zack reached for was some sort of fried egg. It was bright yellow and cut into portions just large enough for a single bite. It wasn’t just made of eggs however. Mixed inside of it was diced cheese, light pink meat, and thick green vegetables. They fused with the gentle flavor of the egg to produce something truly magnificent.

Zack took a moment to express his thoughts after taking a sip of his ale. “This is damn good.”

Where exactly did Tedd find a feast like this? Everyone, including Zack, was currently head over heels for the platter of food, leaving them with little energy to focus on anything else.

Let’s see, next up is…

“Ooh, Zack!” Tedd called. “Those are imperial-style croquettes! I recommend trying them with ketchup.”

“What? There are even croquettes?!”

Upon receiving confirmation from Tedd, Zack immediately began his search for the croquettes. He stabbed his fork into one of the round and light brown balls, then topped it with the red sauce as instructed.

“The hell is this?! It’s definitely a croquette, but the flavor is outta this damn world!”

Zack raised his voice in shock at the somewhat familiar yet wholly new flavor of the croquette. The red and sour sauce fused majestically with the steaming hot food. Unlike the usual ones Zack was familiar with, it appeared to have had milk and cheese mixed into it, lending it a smooth texture.

At the center of the croquette, and mixed into the core of the cobbler’s tubers, was a great deal of cheese.

“The hell is this, Tedd? Where did you find all this stuff?!” Zack’s voice was a mix of joy and surprise as he shouted out to Tedd, who was blazing a path of destruction through his share of the food.

Zack was filled with gratitude for this day and for this meal. The five adventurers couldn’t possibly have been more satisfied by the feast of hors d’oeuvres he bought for them. Their little party was filled with smiles.

***

A brief period passed before the joyous occasion turned into a vicious hellscape.

“Yo, wait! I’ve only touched the eggs and croquettes!”

Zack was the first one to notice. After finishing with the eggs and croquettes, he had decided to finally try something else on the plate. That’s when he realized everything else was nearly gone.

“Huh? But I only got to eat the shripe and fish!” said Sasha. “Wait, Zack! You ate all the croquette, ya gosh dang…er, you jerk!”

“Excuuuuse me? You’re telling me there was some kinda fried food with sausage and everything?! Why’re you the only one who got to eat ’em?!”

“I-I’m sorry… Wait, Galius! What about you?! You pretty much annihilated all of the meat dishes!”

“Now, now, everyone,” said Rydia. “Let’s calm… HEY! Take your hands off my kucumbers!”

As one might expect, the entire party only thought to try the rest of the foods on the plate when they found themselves satisfied by their first picks. And so, by the time they decided to move on, all that remained were a few pieces of each type of food.

A black wind howled through the campgrounds.

They ate my portion!

That was the only thing running through the adventurers’ minds.

Just like that, cracks appeared in the once strong bonds that held the group of adventurers together for so long. They were on the verge of drifting away from one another.

“Oh, c’mon!” said Tedd. “We just got to enjoy something super delicious, didn’t we? We shouldn’t be fighting!”

The relaxed halfling was the first one to try and break the awkward silence building between them all.

“Say what you will, Tedd, but… Wait a second.”

Just as Albert was about to respond to his halfling friend, he noticed something strange.

Tedd was the biggest foodie in their party, capable of eating far more than any of them could individually, and yet he wasn’t participating in their brawl. That made no sense. He should’ve been the loudest of them all.

Just as Albert arrived at the answer, so, too, did the other four. All five adventurers turned their sights toward Tedd.

“TEDD?!” they yelled in unison.

“Mm, mm. Delicious, right? I can totally see why it costs three whole silver coins.” Tedd nodded to himself in satisfaction, having enjoyed an entire plate of hors d’oeuvres all by himself. “The best part is that there are over ten different foods, and all of them are great. Hell, I should’ve bought another plate!”

The halfling continued nodding to himself, shoveling more food into his mouth. Tedd was quite satisfied with the variety of the hors d’oeuvres and his delicious beer… In fact, he was so satisfied that he didn’t notice the cold stares his party was aiming at him. By the time about half the plate had disappeared into Tedd’s stomach, the remaining five adventurers’ hearts had come together as one.

The halfling looked up and tilted his head in confusion at his comrades.

“Eh? Wha? What’s wrong, everyone? Y’all got such scary looks on your faces! H-hey, wait a sec?! Why are you reaching for my food?! No, back! Back I say! This is all mine! No! Noooooo!”

Tedd’s mortified screams rang out from the campground that night.